Report 3: “Men Love Your Women!”
Psy 409b, Spring 2008, Generation 27
Dr. Leon James,
Instructor,
Link to class
home page
Section 1: Lecture 7
By Nicole Salviejo
This week’s lecture notes from Section 6 focuses on a
couple’s three-fold self and the different phases that governs their
interactions.
|
PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR
INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR (external) S |
COGNITIVE (internal) C |
AFFECTIVE (inmost) A |
|
|
UNITY conjunctive interactions |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
EQUITY negotiated interactions |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
MALE DOMINANCE coercive interactions |
1 |
2 |
3 |
*Note: Table 6.1 is intended to be read from the
bottom up.
As seen on this chart, there are nine stages of the
three-fold self or nine succeeding stages for achieving unity in marriage.
Male Dominance Phase
Cells 1, 2 & 3 represent the male
dominance phase of a couple’s relationship.
In these three zones, a couple’s relationship is characterized by the
coercive nature that the husband displays with his wife. According to Dr. James, “Husbands rely on the
coercive power of tradition and expectation to force their wife to be obedient,
regardless of her feelings.” The husband
and wife have a coercive relationship because the wife is not allowed to share
her thoughts and feelings freely with her husband. Instead, she is expected to be obedient and
submissive to her husband. If she
displays disobedient behavior, then she is punished through various ways
including: physical and verbal abuse.
Under this phase a husband is only physically
intimate with his wife. The couple has
yet to achieve cognitive and affective intimacy with one another.
Examples of men’s of behavior under these three zones
include:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Equity Phase
Cells 4, 5 & 6 represent the equity phase
of a couple’s relationship (most modern couples believe that they fall under
this category). Unlike the
male-dominance phase where there is much emphasis on the coercion between
husband and wife, the equity model emphasizes the couple’ s goal to negotiate
with one another to get what they want.
According to Dr. James, “responsibilities and duties of husband and wife
are shared through negotiation and agreement between each other.” Cognitive intimacy is gradually achieved
through negotiation, as long as both partners are sincere rather than
manipulative.
Under this phase, a couple’s intimacy has
shifted from the sensorimotor or physical intimacy to
cognitive intimacy, where the woman has a larger opportunity than the
male-dominant phase wife, to speak more freely with her husband.
Example’s of cognitive sensorimotor
habits acquired during this phase of the unity model of marriage include:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Unity Phase
Cells 7, 8 & 9 represents the unity
model of interaction or affective intimacy where the husband allows the wife’s
feminine intelligence or way of thinking to lead his own masculine
intelligence. This is a voluntary phase
on the husband’s part and can only occur when he chooses to become eternally
conjoined with his wife. Under this
phase, the couple has achieved all three levels of the three-fold self: sensorimotor, cognitive and affective interactions.
Under this phase, the husband must
constantly tell himself that he must listen and follow his wife’s way of
thinking or at least view things from her perspective. The goal for the husband is to discontinue
his selfish ways of thinking and to be more open to his wife.
One important aspect to remember when
viewing this chart is that the couple can jump from cell to cell and may
experience moments in their relationship that fall under the male-dominant
phase or equity phase. It is rarely the
case that a husband and wife can gradually move forward through each zone
without experiencing some moments of disjunction. Although a couple can experience disjunction
throughout their marriage, both partners must try to overcome their
disagreements and misunderstandings and must both place importance on wanting to
become more intimate with one another.
In other words, they must learn from their disjunctive mistakes to be
able to move forward.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
|
PHASE THAT
GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREE-FOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
Level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality ------- Relationship at
the INTERNAL LEVEL (spiritual
marriages) |
zone 7 rational sensorimotor acts ------- e.g., partners'
movements are coordinated to each other to form a synergy |
zone 8 rational cognitive
processes ------- e.g., partners
discover and always strive to agree with each other's opinions and
justifications |
zone 9 rational affective
states ------- e.g., the husband
always strives to align his feelings or desires to match his wife's feelings |
|
Level 2 EQUITY Competitive
Mentality ------- Relationship at
the INTERMEDIATE LEVEL (natural marriages) |
zone 4 competitive sensorimotor acts ------- e.g., partners'
movements are competitive with each other |
zone 5 competitive
cognitive processes ------- e.g., partners often
disagree with each other's opinions and justifications |
zone 6 competitive
affective states ------- e.g., partners take
turns giving in even if they don't agree |
|
Level 1 DOMINANCE Authoritarian
Mentality ------- Relationship at
the EXTERNAL LEVEL (natural marriages) |
zone 1 authoritarian sensorimotor acts ------- e.g., the wife's
movements are directed by the husband using force, threat, or intimidation |
zone 2 authoritarian
cognitive processes ------- e.g., the wife knows
the husband's prerogatives and strives to submit to them under fear of
retaliation |
zone 3 authoritarian
affective states ------- e.g., the partners'
interactions are governed by the expectations of tradition and family |
*Note: Table 6.2 is intended to be read from the
bottom up.
Table 6.2 is used to distinguish the kind of
relationship that married partners are in when they model their behavior in
accordance with the three levels of the Three-fold self.
The first level, or the authoritarian
mentality of the male dominance phase, occurs when a husband and wife are only
able to relate to each other in a general sense. They have physical and mental intimacy, but
only of the external or outward self.
Under this first level, there is no real freedom to share thoughts and
feelings. According to Dr. James, “When
tradition and family govern or dictate the interaction possibilities between
husband and wife, their relationship remains at the general level.”
The second level emphasizes how the
couple is able to interact on a more personal level, unlike the couple living
under the male dominance phase who must adhere to social and familial
traditions. The couple is able to gain more
mental intimacy with one another. According
to Dr. James, “They get to know each other’s opinions and preferences and they
take turns agreeing with one another as a way of maintaining peace and avoiding
warfare.”
When the couple achieves this, they then are
afforded the opportunity to transcend to the last phase of the Three-fold self,
or the unity phase of marriage. All of
the negotiated agreements and mutual allowances of independence experienced in
the equity phase are discontinued when the husband decides to move up to the
unity model of interaction. In other
words, the husband officially commits to the goal of never disagreeing with his
wife.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Personal Thoughts
While I may disagree with some parts of the unity model
of marriage, I cannot deny that it does have its good side. Ultimately, I find the disjunctive behaviors displayed
by men are also applicable to the women in a relationship. I agree that both partners must value the
other and must find ways to converse with each other respectfully. A relationship cannot grow if both partners
are unwilling to work with one another and speak with one another if they are
constantly criticizing or nagging each other.
Both partners must see each conversation as opportunities to become more
intimate with one another, thus they should both learn ways to converse with
their partners that doesn’t demean or put the other person down.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Section 2: Team Presentation on
Gender and Discourse – chapter 4 pages 137-173
“Conversational Strategy and Metastrategy
in a Pragmatic Theory: The Example of Scenes from a Marriage”
Author: Deborah Tannen
(By: Caitlin Botelho)
Deborah
Tannen and her professor from
Scenes from
a Marriage consists of six scenes
between husband and wife, Johan and Marianne.
Scene one is titled Innocence and
Panic; Johan and Marianne are seen as the “perfect couple.” Scene two, The Art of Sweeping Under the Rug shows
both Johan and Marianne unsatisfied with their relationship. Scene three is Paula; Johan tells Marianne about his affair with a woman named
Paula and announces that he will leave Marianne. Scene four, The Vale of Tears, shows Johan and Marianne meeting with each other
after their separation. Scene five is
titled the Illiterates; Johan and
Marianne meet to sign divorce papers and end up in a battle. The final scene is In the Middle of the Night in a Dark House Somewhere in the World; Johan
and Marianne meet secretly, both remarried, but have been having an affair with
each other for over a year.
Marianne and Johan use different conversational
styles; Marianne uses deference and camaraderie while Johan uses distance. Marianne wants to conjoin herself to Johan,
but he constantly pushes her away.
Although both are different, their conversational patterns show a
relationship between deep and surface structure on the pragmatic level. There are three levels of pragmatics: synonomy (different linguistic devices to achieve similar
results), homonomy (similar linguistic devices to
achieve different results) and identity (same linguistic device to achieve the
same result).
An example of pragmatic synonomy
in Scenes from a Marriage can be seen
in scene 3 where Johan tells Marianne he is leaving her. Both Johan and Marianne avoid confrontation
but through different linguistic devices; Marianne talks excessively and Johan
makes opinions and judgments. Pragmatic homonomy can be seen through excessive questions from both
Marianne and Johan. Marianne wants
information from her questions, but Johan uses his questioning as mockery. Finally, pragmatic identity is seen when Johan
and Marianne both propose sleep to avoid dealing with an unpleasant confrontation.
Like I mentioned before, Johan and Marianne connect
on deep and surface levels of pragmatics.
On the initial surface level, Johan and Marianne both ask questions;
they have a match. On the deeper level,
Johan’s questions are distancing and Marianne’s questions generate rapport;
they conflict. On the deepest level,
Johan and Marianne’s stylistic differences create noncommunication;
they have a match.
Author: Dr. Leon James
(By: Caitlin Botelho)
Brandi covered the lecture
notes in class about the rules of conjugial
conversation for men. The first rule of conjugial conversation that a man needs to follow is to be
reactive and friendly whenever his wife is talking to him. In the lecture notes, Dr. James says that men
know how to do and probably have done this before. He gives the example of a first date; men try
their hardest to convince the woman that he is a good man. He just has to revert back to this mentality
and understand the unity model of marriage.
The second rule of conjugial conversation for men is to deny himself the right to express disagreement with his
wife. Men follow this rule in the workplace,
doing whatever their boss tells them, however they have a hard time doing what
their wives say. Women find this refusal
hostile, unfriendly and very unsexy. The male dominance phase is shown when the
husband expects his wife to do whatever he says, yet cannot do the same for
her.
The third rule of conjugial conversation for men is to create a
conversational atmosphere where his wife feels unoppressed,
free, and safe. This shows that the
woman means the world to her husband; he cherishes everything about her. During this time, women should not worry
about starting a topic of talk, jumping to another topic, and then going back
to the original topic. If a man can
overcome the need to shut up his wife, he becomes enlightened and wise.
The fourth and final rule of
conjugial conversation is to use conversation as a
method of enhancing her mood and making her feel young in heart and stimulated
in mind. When men focus their attention
on their wives, they appear sexy and wise.
This is not to say that women do not want to know what they
husbands/boyfriends are thinking, she just wants to know this when he is in an
intelligent and rational mood. Men need
to find friendly and respectful ways of expressing what they think.
Generational Reports (G25)
(By: Lisa Ha)
**The following question summarizations were reported by Kim from Generation
25.
Referring to Generation 25, Section 21 in the lecture notes were used to
answer the following questions:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#unity-values
(a) It gives a selection from an article titled "Secrets to a Happy
Marriage." Read and discuss the article.
(b) Are these good instances of unity values or not? Explain.
(c) Search the Web using Google to find advice that
is given to couples. Evaluate the advice given in terms of what you know of the
unity model of marriage.
(a) Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne is a marriage and family therapist, who wrote an
article called, “Secrets to a happy marriage,” listing three secrets he finds
important in having a healthy marriage.
Secret #1: There are no hidden accounts. Spouses
should be open about accounts such as insurance, retirement money, savings,
etc. This is important because it makes partners equally empowered in the
relationship. When they disclose this information to each other, they feel
equal therefore their relationship will be much more intimate.
Secret #2: Good communication skills must develop in
order to have a happy marriage. Dr. Kuhne mentions
that what was considered good communication in the past, is not what it is
today. In the past, women had to keep silent in order to have a good
conversation between the spouses. Nowadays, women and men must be equal and a
woman’s opinion is just as important as her husband’s.
Secret #3: Learn to praise your spouse in public and
in private. Be impeccable with your word. If you use words that are insulting
and demeaning to your spouse, it will destroy their mental health and being. By
using words of affirmation, you can make your spouse feel loved and valuable.
These words should be used in public whether or not she/he is not there, and
also in their listening distance. Dr. Kuhne believes
that by praising their abilities, you will also start thinking of them in a
brighter light and the small things that can be irritating will become more
manageable.
(b)
I think that Dr. Kuhne’s
recommendations will help a couple reach the unity model. They are not there
yet, and are still exploring their pathway to reach unity. A couple that are
following these suggestions are most likely to be in the equity phase in which
the husband understands he needs to communicate, compliment and share his
thoughts and feelings while respecting hers to reach the unity model of
marriage.
(c) Search the web
The first website found was marriage advice given by
professional counselors. The article chosen was similar to Dr. Kuhne’s article and is titled, ”Mistake Proof Your
Marriage: Do you make these 3 common mistakes in your marriage?”
The 3 mistakes they wrote about criticized your
spouse and assuming that your work is done.
The article reflects on the unity model of marriage
in a broader, more basic level. The author states that making fun of your
spouse is obviously a negative thing and that criticizing them is disrespectful
and humiliating. The author also explains that your work of a marriage
relationship is not done once the “I Do’s” are said. Daily conversations about
things of interest, of importance, and your marriage are necessary. This aligns
with the unity model of marriage, in which having conversations is important to
the wife and will create a mental intimacy between her and her husband.
This article, “Why marriage used to work, but no
longer works,” is completely different than the one above, insulting women and
is against the Unity Model of Marriage. It illustrates how a “good wife” should
be reflecting the male dominance stage. Here are some quotes from the
guidelines and my opinion on it:
“Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night
before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way
of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned
about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a
good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.”
This statement disregards the wife’s needs,
suggesting that men are still in the dominance stage where it’s all about what
they want.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll
be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair
and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
In the unity mode of marriage, it is important for
both spouses to look good for one another.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for
him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
A woman’s duties should not including making herself
more interesting for her spouse. The word “duties” refers to an act that is
required to perform. When you say that your wife has duties, you are putting
her below you, and this does not apply to conjugial
love.
ü
Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace,
order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
ü
Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
ü
Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he
stays out all night. Count this as a minor compared to what he might have gone
through that day.
ü
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable
chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for
him.
ü
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in
a low soothing and pleasant voice.
This article uses the words “complain” and how a wife
should change her verbal behavior so her husband will feel more comfortable.
This suggests that a women’s opinion is useless and that communication is not
necessary.
Don’t
ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. He
is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with
fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
In the unity model of marriage, there is no master.
Although this magazine clip was from the 50s, some of
marriages are currently in this situation, in which the men are overpowering
their spouse with dominance and wives are completely submissive.
Question 5:
(a) Analyze the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger, summarizing its perspective, and discussing
the author’s philosophy or psychology of relationships between men and women.
How do you see Dr. Laura's approach and what is your evaluation of it?
(b) Find 5 brief quotes from what the husbands wrote, analyzing each
one, showing the character of their threefold self. Use the unity model in the
Lecture Notes to characterize the threefold self of the husbands that wrote to
her.
(c) Make up a few quotes of your own. In each case
pretend you are either a woman or a man emailing Dr. Laura. Then give a brief
explanation regarding what AUVs are exhibited in each
case.
Kim emphasizes on how Dr. Laura Schlessinger
believes that men need acceptance, approval and appreciation from their wives
and gives advice on how women can go about doing it. These suggestions can
range from bedroom manners to how to communicate to their spouse. The purpose
of the book is to show how women can save and heal her marriage if she follows
these simple guidelines.
She believes that Dr. Laura’s book demonstrates the
dominance model of marriage because it lists the things a women needs to do to
make her man happier, which will benefit their marriage. She states,” Women are
insensitive and oblivious to how destructive they are being to their men.” She
stresses how women need to give her man appreciation, respect, good food and
good sex. A woman can do so by having a warm meal prepared for him when he gets
home, letting him have guy time and providing him with sex whenever he wants.
In the dominance model, the wife is compliant to all
of her husband’s demands and doesn’t put in her opinion of what she wants. The
man is always striving to empower his wife and if she doesn’t do what he wants,
the husband will make her feel like she’s ruining the marriage.
It seems that Dr. Laura
feels women are ungrateful of their husbands these days and doesn’t appreciate
their hard work.
In my opinion, I feel that
Dr. Laura is trying to reach out to people in materialistic marriages and
trying to help them to reach a spiritual marriage. The book is directed towards
women who are looking for help and guidance. Instead of pointing fingers at the
man or at women for their failing marriage, she makes a point that we need to
start somewhere for a change to happen. And whether it starts with a woman or a
man, they will be eventually get to where they need to be, which is the unity
model of marriage.
(b)
Quotes from Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s book:
1:
“[My wife] feels that if
she doesn’t remind me again and again, something won’t get done. Bu the
fact is, it makes me feel like her child and that Mommy needs to check up on
me. It’s degrading. I want to be admired. I want to be
acknowledged for being the breadwinner and making sure that we are all taken
care of. My greatest pleasure is when I feel like her hero. Like
her ‘man.’ Not her boy.”
-Evan
Looking back at threefold
self, Evan is showing how his affective self is influencing his cognitive and sensorimotor aspects. His affective self is his feelings
towards his wife, and he feels it is degrading when she reminds him repeatedly
to do things. Assuming that his affective and cognitive self is reacting to this,
his actions (sensorimotor self) will react to her
negatively. He is creating an undesirable environment for his wife by making
her feel bad when she asks him to do something.
2: So my suggestion for your book on the care and
feeding of husbands? The number one thing I want from my woman is to stop
complaining. It’s easy to moan about how hard your life is. When I
do catch my wife in a ‘willing mood,’ I first have to endure twenty minutes of
her complaining about this, that, and the other thing before I get to touch
her. I figure if I help around the house to take some of the burden off
of her, I would win her affection. Wrong. It is never enough and I
am always wrong. A little kindness would go a long way toward making the
marriage better.”
-Bruce
Bruce’s cognitive self is
creating a negative outlook on his wife. He is referring to her communication
habits as “complaining.” His affective self feels that her behavior is ruining
their marriage, and his sensorimotor self is
disrespecting his wife by disrespecting her. She wants to communicate with him
first before they get intimate and Bruce still being in the dominant stage
doesn’t care how she feels. Bruce is not conjoined to his wife’s feelings and
desires; therefore they do not have affective reciprocity.
3. I don’t understand why women don’t understand that sex is a man’s
number one need from his wife. It’s not just the act and sensation of
pleasure, but it’s the acceptance by a woman of her man. There’s a
communion that happens during intercourse that will bond a man to his woman,
and he in turn will then begin to give of himself emotionally to her.
When that need isn’t met, the man begins to look at his wife as just a roommate
who doesn’t pay her share of the rent but continues to harp on him about
leaving the toilet seat up.”
-Chris
Chris’s cognitive self is
justifying that sex is necessary for the man or else they will feel that a wife
I nothing but a complainer. His affective self includes his feelings and motivations.
Chris refuses to conjoin with his wife, and will remain in the dominance stage
if he does not change his cognitive and affective self. He must ignore his own
feelings and take on his wife’s point of view and needs.
4: When I am feeling the most rejected, I as myself ‘Why am I here?’ and
‘Who cares for me?’ To me, I am still doing my job of protecting and providing,
but I get nothing in return. When months pass without sex or affection,
the message that I get is that I am undesirable and have no value. If I
were appreciated, I would be ‘loved.’ Caring and nurturing is what I need
to feel healthy and happy.”
-Mike
Mike is in the dominant stage of the unity model of
marriage. He doesn’t think about how his wife feels without affection and is
disconnected with her because of his affective self. He has not reached
cognitive conjunction either since his thoughts are not aligned with hers.
5: Wives want romance, hugs, kisses, and surprises. They would get
more of these things if they hadn’t just told hubby he was stupid or that a
night out with the guys was tantamount to abandonment… or that four hours out
of 168 to myself is overly selfish or self-indulgent.”
-Jim
Jim seems to want to spend time away from his partner
and excludes her from his activities. He has not reached the conjoint self
because he doesn’t involve her in his life. Jim does not display cognitive
reciprocity with his wife because he desires things she does not want.
(c)
My wife is always telling me I break promises but she doesn’t realize
that men just don’t remember everything a wife says everyday of his life.
Wives just say too many unnecessary information.”
-Bob
This is an anti-unity model in which Bob breaks
promises, disregarding how his wife feels. When a man breaks a promise in the
unity model he is committing mental abuse. He is suggesting that what his wife
wants is not important. For Bob to reach the unity model of marriage, he must
put his wife before him and acknowledge her thoughts and feelings.
“When I do something wrong, my wife will get on my case. I don’t
understand. I apologize and everything. Isn’t that enough?
She needs to just get over it.”
-Andrew
Here is another example of AUV, in which feels that
an apology should be enough to make his wife happy. He is not striving to
please her and looks at her in a negative way, making her out to seem
unreasonable and selfish.
Question 6
(a) Consider Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of the Sex vs. Love of One of
the Sex in the Lecture Notes http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm
- sexuality
Describe the difference between the two types of loves as explained
there.
(b) Compare this spiritual idea of sex to the idea of
sex promoted today by psychologists and sex therapists. Find some examples on
the Web (give links) or in books and journal articles (give full reference).
(a) Section 5.1 describes the differences of love of the sex VS. Love of
one of the sex. Love of the sex is non-exclusive sex and is derived from our
hellish thoughts. In non-exclusive sex, a husband and wife have sensorimotor conjunction but not conjunction since they are
not mentally intimate. Humans are able to have non-exclusive sex with others
without mental intimacy. We are also capable of have exclusive sex and enjoying
it while being mentally intimate. This is also called mutual exclusive love,
and comes from our heavenly mind. This is considered love of one of the sex.
Love of one of the sex occurs not only when a husband performs sensorimotor coupling, but conjunctive and affective
coupling as well. Their relationship is now based on a spiritual-sensual
sexuality level and this kind of love is considered conjugial
love.
(b) Juggling
Multiple Partners: This website claims it is a “man’s portal” into
knowing everything that a man needs to know. This article gives you advice on
how to juggle multiple relationships and the best way about doing it. It tells
men not to tell the truth because if they do their women will leave. It also
has a link that allows you to purchase their “player’s secret sex guide.” It
can tell a man how to improve his game and leave his women satisfied.
Kim believes this is what our society is promoting.
Women are seen as objects and it is their job to satisfy their man’s sexual
needs. This website follows the love of sex. It encourages men to engage in
non-exclusive sexual behavior.
Increasing
the Female Sex Drive
This site gives free online medical advice, and the experts are appointed
by the Commission of European Communities.
One of the articles was titled,” Female Orgasm”. How to give a female an
orgasm.” A guy wrote in to ask what was wrong with his girlfriend. She is never
in the mood and never has an orgasm. He gets frustrated and calls her lazy
because she doesn’t want to see a doctor.
The experts told him that he needs to stop treating her like a “service
provider”. In order for her to feel desire, she must feel the relationship is
good first, and then comes the orgasm. There are many reasons she can’t reach
that state, and it could be that she’s stressed, tired, or needs more foreplay.
By calling her lazy he is criticizing her. He needs to respect the fact that
she doesn’t want to see a doctor, and advised him to listen to her wants and
needs.
This is a good example of love of one of the sex. The
experts are telling him to put his wife’s wants and needs before his. This
article displays coupling on all three levels (sensorimotor,
cognitive, and affective), putting his needs behind his wife’s.
Question 7
(a) Consider Section 17a. Gender Discourse Within the Three Models in
the Lecture Notes at http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm
- 17a._Gender_Discourse
Explain in your own words how the conversational style between husband
and wife reflects what is going on in the intimacy of their relationship. Make
sure you discuss the three models in relation to conversational style.
(b) Create a conversation between them that exhibits several elements
mentioned throughout Section 17a regarding the conversational style of married
partners. Number the lines. Add whatever explanatory notes are needed for
readers to understand what's going on. (Note: you are allowed to use borrowed
parts of an actual conversation you heard or read somewhere -- but you need to
edit and adapt it so it fits with this answer.)
(c) Analyze the conversation, explaining to readers
what its elements exhibit. Use the line numbers to be specific.
(a) The conversational style can say a lot about a relationship between
a husband and his wife. The conversation reflects what you are thinking
(cognitive), which will affect and operate the feelings and motivations you
have in your relationship. Discourse and conversational style directly relates
to the sensorimotor self.
Unsexy conversation by the husband is displayed in the dominance
model of marriage. On the sensorimotor level, a
husband interrupts and calls his wife names, using nonverbal behavior to
intimidate and punish her.
A woman whose husband is in the dominance model may
feel insecure and unwanted by her husband because his conversation is
constantly putting her down. But in the unity model of marriage, their
conversation is focused mainly on the wife. The husband does not talk in an
unfriendly tone and doesn’t interrupt criticize or put down his wife. He is
interested in what she has to say and doesn’t have any secrets that he is
keeping from his wife. The conversation between spouses would display sensorimotor reciprocity because he is putting his wife
ahead of everything and engaging her in positive spiritual and healthy
conversation.
(b) This is a conversation that displays elements of unsexy
conversational style of married partners.
1. Maria: What do you want to do today?
2. Jack: I don’t know. I don’t care.
3. Maria: Okay, how about we go eat at that restaurant I’ve
always wanted to try?
4. Jack: Fine.
(After dinner)
5. Jack: You always choose crappy restaurants to eat
at. I don’t even know why I bother to do whatever you want to do.
6. Maria: But I asked you and you said you didn’t care.
7. Jack: Because I know you will whine and bitch if I don’t
do what you want to do.
8. Maria: That’s not true. You should have told me
what you wanted to do.
9. Jack: I am not going to argue about
this. I’m leaving.
This is a revised conversation that illustrates a sexy conversation:
10. Maria: What do you want to do today?
11. Jack: I really don’t care. It’s up to you.
12. Maria: Okay, how about we go eat at the restaurant I’ve
always wanted to try?
13. Jack: Sure, I wanted to try that as
well.
(c) In Line 1 she is asking what he wants to do, he says he doesn’t care
and goes against it as the dialog proceeds. In Line 5 he is blaming her for
what a bad restaurant it was. He then goes on to criticize her and says he
doesn’t like any of the restaurants she chooses. In Line 6 she wants to talk
about the problem and he replies with criticism. He uses name calling to get to
his point and intimidates her by telling her that her choices aren’t up to his
standards. In Line 8, Maria proceeds to talk about the problem and Jack shuts
her out and walks away from the problem. He obviously doesn’t want to talk to
his wife or talk about the problem. He thinks she makes bad choices and just
goes along with what she wants because he doesn’t want to hear her complain.
In the sexy conversational style, he is showing
conjunctive replies. In Line 11, he lets her make the decision. When she
suggests the restaurant, he agrees, putting his wife before him and displaying
it through his communication.
Section 3: Team Presentation on
Exercises
(By: Angela Washington)
(a)
Summarize
the main ideas presented by the team.
On
The Basic Ennead
Matrix: The Nine Zones in Marriage
|
PHASE THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
EQUITY |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
MALE DOMINANCE |
1 |
2 |
3 |
I replicated the chart on the chalkboard during
my discussion to give the class an imagery of the nine phases of the chart, and
also how a couples interactions can occur in any of the nine zones, depending
on the “situation” which I give an example of in the following paragraphs.
(b) Describe what they did and how they
interpreted it.
The
first presenter explained question 1 of exercise 6.1. Her question directed her
to explain the ennead chart and how each zone of the chart, helped her to make
objective observations about the interactions of couples and the concept of
“mental scripts.” She explained in detail that mental scripts are standardized
imprints by our cultures and socialization, meaning our everyday thinking,
justifications and fears can all be included in this script.
I
explained the conjoint self and the progressive growth using the ennead chart
of marriage. I focused on the fact that the conjoint self as a synergistic
unit, a fusion of two energies –the husbands and the wife. I then isolated each
level of the conjoint self with a level of the threefold self. The conjoint
self refers to a husband and wife who have achieved
unity at all levels of the threefold self (sensorimotor-cognitive
and affective). I gave an example of a couple who have not yet achieved unity;
and is living their marriage in zone 2 of the chart. I gave an example of a
couple with disjunctive feelings of cognitive intimacy. Wife says to husband
“Honey,, what do you think about my weight? Is there
something on your mind? Did I do anything wrong? Please share with me your
thoughts!” Husband replies “Woman get off of my back! If I had something to
tell you I would tell you on my own! Now bug off!” Clearly this is illustrates
the level of their relationship.
(c) Describe some of the ideas that
needed a better justification or greater amplification.
Our
ideas were pretty clear, concise and to the point. We answered each question
and the questions within the primary question as well. As presenters, it is
somewhat difficult to detect from the audience which ideas weren’t adequately
amplified or explained in more depth, simply because they hardly ever ask
questions or have comments. It would help the presenters to go more into detail
about certain concepts if the crowd was a tad more vocal. Otherwise, I believe
that we did a great job.
(d) What was the success of the approach
they used?
Both
Pearw and I decided prior to our presentation, that
we would use more personal and realistic examples to help the class digest the content
of the exercise, rather than just mirror the information (which they already
read) and repeat it back to them. That has always been my mental tool for
remembering vital information using relatable examples. As a result of our use
of real life examples, we got great feedback from our peers and even gestures
of interest presented by the crowd as we were presenting.
(e) What improvements are needed in the
procedures or in the instructions?
I
wouldn’t really change anything about the procedure or the instructions. Both
were explained thoroughly on the class webpage and easy to follow. We didn’t
have a difficult time presenting because the instructions allowed us to go as
planned without any confusion.
(f) What are the limitations of these
types of exercises?
As
I may have mentioned in my previous reports, it is always a challenge to fully
get a response from those whom we try to explain these ideas to at home being
that our friends and families, all have their perspective view points from the
negative bias in science. Beyond that minor discrepancy, there aren’t any other
limitations that I can conjure up.
(g) Describe what happened when you did
some of the steps of the exercises
Well,
when I discussed the ennead chart and the conjoint self to my boyfriend, I
tried to get him to elaborate a little about the points that I presented to
him, so that I would be able to tell if whether or not my presentation was
affective. Of course I didn’t have much luck with him because he is so darn
stubborn. Every time that I explain these ideas that I am learning to him, he
instantly tells me that “ It sounds good this “stuff” that your learning,
however, that’s not the way things go Angela.” He and I are both Christians,
striving everyday to get build a closer relationship with God, through studying
the sacred scriptures of the Bible. So he developed a strategy to refute the
ideas of the lecture content and the exercises, by quoting scriptures from the
Bible to disprove the ideas of the unity model. For instance, he refuses to
believe that a man should listen and submit to a woman. What I tried to explain
to him is that the unity doesn’t require the man to “submit”,
moreover it does require the man acknowledge the wife’s opinions and trust her.
When
I shared with the class that my boyfriend found a scripture in the Bible which
states that a woman should submit to her husband, Dr. James pointed out that
the following line to that passage is that a husband showed- RESPECT- his wife
as well. He refuses to believe, or even pretend that what theistic psychology
and the unity model of marriage, both offer is truths. I also let the class
know that my boyfriend is the son of Nigerian parents who both have strong
cultural values and ways of living as a married couple. What I tried to make
him see is, that if he can except and practice
Christianity and Nigerian teachings, then he could take some consideration of
some of the ideas that theistic psychology has to offer. Besides, his culture
and religion have conflicting views as well. Who knows, maybe by the end of
this course he will have a different outlook.
Section 4: Annotated Web Links
Active Listening:
Hear What People are Actually Saying: This site
provides tips on how to become an active listener. These tips can assist men stuck in the
male-dominance phase learn how to be better communicators with their
girlfriends and wives.
Dane
Cook - Why Woman Win Fights: Actor, Dane Cook, takes a humorous approach to
explaining the conversations that takes place between a romantic couple. He is an
example of a typical man coming from a male-dominated perspective that views
the woman as nagging and demeaning to their boyfriends and husbands.
Family
Guy - Peter and Lois fight: This is a short clip from an American cartoon
called Family Guy of a married couple, Lois and Peter, and their
dysfunctional relationship. The argument
between Lois and Peter is an example of how the male dominance model where Peter
has an un-sexy conversation with Lois.
Happy Couple: This is a short
video of a boyfriend and girlfriend singing together and looking very
happy. This couple is an example of how
partners should look like during the equity phase of marriage because of their
ability to laugh and enjoy the time they spend together.
How
can men communicate better? Listen!: This is a short video that
provides advice for couples on how to communicate effectively. The advice given in this short video mirrors
the advice given in the lecture notes on conjugial
conversation.
Scenes from a Marriage: Here is a clip from scene three (Paula) of Scenes from a Marriage. If
you click around on youtube, you can view other scenes, however this was the longest one I could find.
Secrets to a Happy
Marriage: Unlike the secrets to a happy marriage that we have heard about
in class, this website gives a different approach to having a successful
marriage. Some examples that seem far
fetched are: fight naked and don’t make love in the same place/position every
time.
Six Rules for Good
Communication in Marriage and Families:
Author, Joe Beam, provides married couples and families six key rules for good
communication. This article mirrors the conjugial conversation rules discussed in Lecture 7.
The Happy Couple: This short youtube clip is of a young couple discussing their
relationship. They serve as an example
of a couple during the equity phase of the unity model of marriage because they
both feel comfortable to speak with one another freely without feeling like
they are being attacked or criticized by the other.
Why Won’t He Listen to Me?:
Barbara Rosberg, offers advice to women who are involved in relationships
where they feel their husbands are not listening to them. This video is an example of
women stuck in the male-dominance phase in the unity model of marriage and are
trying to encourage their partners to be better communicators.