Report 4: “Love & Marriage”

Nicole Salviejo

Lisa Ha

Tracey Nieto

Sumiyo Ishikawa

Psy 409b, Spring 2008, Generation 27

Dr. Leon James, Instructor, University of Hawaii

Link to class home page

 

Section 1: Lecture 7

By Nicole Salviejo

Link to: Lecture N16d: Characteristics of Husband’s Threefold Self during Discourse

 

 

The lecture notes offer a strong critique of Chapter 6 of Dr. Laura’s Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, as well as of Dr. Phil’s daytime self-help television series, and states that there are nine different assumptions that can be drawn from their male dominant perspectives:

 

1. Women use their bodies as tools in order to control their male partners

2. Married women have less interest in sex than unmarried women

3. Married women should not be sexually modest with their husbands

4. Unmarried women are "girls" who choose to wear clothing that emphasizes the shape of their thighs and breasts

5. Wives dress like Eskimos at home, hiding their thighs and breasts

6. Wives should think that when they say no to sex, they are hurting a good husband who wants to be faithful

7. When wives say no to sex they are depriving their husbands and are enforcing abstinence

8. It's mean for a wife to say no to sex--it is like a husband refusing to have a conversation with her

9. Men need more sex and wives should provide it

 

 

In terms of how Dr. Laura’s and Dr. Phil’s view of marriage fall under the Three-fold Self of the Unity Model of Marriage we will use the chart below:

 

PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREE-FOLD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR

COGNITIVE

AFFECTIVE

Level 3

UNITY

Rational Mentality

-------

Relationship at the INTERNAL LEVEL

(spiritual marriages)

zone 7

rational sensorimotor acts

-------

e.g., partners' movements are coordinated to each other to form a synergy

zone 8

rational cognitive processes

-------

e.g., partners discover and always strive to agree with each other's opinions and justifications 

zone 9

rational affective states

-------

e.g., the husband always strives to align his feelings or desires to match his wife's feelings

Level 2

EQUITY

Competitive Mentality

-------

Relationship at the INTERMEDIATE  LEVEL

(natural marriages)

zone 4

competitive sensorimotor acts

-------

e.g., partners' movements are competitive with each other

zone 5

competitive cognitive processes 

-------

e.g., partners often disagree with each other's opinions and justifications

zone 6

competitive affective states

-------

e.g., partners take turns giving in even if they don't agree

 

Level 1

DOMINANCE

Authoritarian Mentality

-------

Relationship at the EXTERNAL LEVEL

(natural marriages)

 

zone 1

authoritarian sensorimotor acts

-------

e.g., the wife's movements are directed by the husband using force, threat, or intimidation

zone 2

authoritarian cognitive processes 

-------

e.g., the wife knows the husband's prerogatives and strives to submit to them under fear of retaliation

zone 3

authoritarian affective states

-------

e.g., the partners' interactions are governed by the expectations of tradition and family

 

 

          Using the Three-fold self chart above from the Unity Model of Marriage, we can conclude that when a married woman is coerced or pressured to have sex with her husband, their relationship falls under Zone 1, or the dominance phase, where the husband displays authoritarian sensorimotor behavior with his wife.  When the couple has sex without striving to have mental intimacy, they then fall under Zone 2 or Zone 3 of the dominance phase. 

 

 

Male Dominance Phase

 

In the Affective level of Male Dominance, the husband dominates his wife rather than becoming intimate with her mentally. Instead, he is only being intimate with her physically through sex. He prefers company of men to women. For example, he might prefer to stay with men rather than stay together with his wife in a party or he would rather go out with his guy friends. In the Cognitive level, he thinks that women are less intelligent than men. He dismisses her view and thinks that his opinion is more important. It is a traditional mode of thinking in which women do not allow to have any opinion. The husband is always a leader so he is the one who make all the decisions. His wife has to listen and do what he says without any objection.  In the Sensorimotor level, he likes to interrupt her and intimidate her by using harsh tones, call her name, or use gestures.

 

Equity Phase

 

In the Affective level, he loves to retain himself to be independent. He does not want to dominate her; he instead listens to her opinion more than he would in the Male Dominance phase. However, he still insists on his independent and resists her. In this phase, although he listens to his wife he may disagree with and he might say that she does not think rational or relevant by reverting back to the Male Dominance Level. In the Cognitive level, he might to try to compromise with her but at the end he considers his view is more rational. He also hides his feeling in order to control her.

              

I think, the husband in the Equity phase wants to create a good relationship with wife. So he does not want take control directly. He hides his feeling so he can keep his own independence. When he is mad, he might walk out on her and does not want to listen and act coldly. Since he still wants his own space, he does not ready yet to conjoin with wife through Unity in the Threefold Self.

 

Unity Phase

 

This is the highest zone of the Ennead chart of marriage. In the Affective level, he loves to learn how to make his wife more central in his mind. He loves mental intimacy with her and he loves her feminist view. He likes to be her friend and interdependent rather than trying to control her. In the Cognitive level, he thinks that his masculine view does not matter as his wife’s feminist view. He adopts her view to become unity in eternity. He thinks that only single disagreement can interrupt their life in eternity. When he talks to her, he does not interrupt her and listen to her carefully when she expresses her feeling. He supports her opinions and does not upset or get angry with her. Also, when he listens, he listens attentively and be coordinate with his wife.

 

In the Unity phase, the husband is ready to conjoin himself with his wife in Affective, Cognitive, and Sensorimotor intimacy because Conjugial Love in eternity requires that both husband and wife have to conjoin as one. I think when the husband commits himself to unity phase; it allows them to become best friend, soul mate and lover at the same time because he accepts his wife’s femininity. He also learn to conjoin his masculinity with her femininity because masculinity and femininity are opposite and when both partner learn to conjoin both together, they become a perfect fit and lead them to happily marriage in both physical world and world of eternity.

 

 

Ultimately, male dominance oriented therapists, such as Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil fail to realize how the men themselves contribute to any conflicts that the couple may experience during their marriage, by solely placing blame on their women partners.  For example, if a husband commits infidelity, it is because his wife could not satisfy his needs, but when a wife has an extra-marital affair, it shows how much she disrespects her husband and has taken him for granted.  According to Dr. James, “What Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura and the other male dominance oriented therapists need to do is to start with the husband, not the wife. In other words, start objectively by going directly to the source of the wife's aversion towards having sex with him. If sex in marriage is to be intimate and loving, rather than exploitative and coercive, it is the husband who needs to find ways to make the wife feel like being sexually intimate with him.” 

Dr. James’ comment shows that in order for a couple to be more equal and harmonious in nature, husbands must look within themselves in order to change the nature of their authoritarian-like marriages.  Husbands must also realize, the rights of their wives and respect their choices to have/or not have sex with them.

 

In addition, Dr. James offers advice to husbands and wives (as well as marriage counselors) that serve as steppingstones in order for the couple to attain a marriage that resembles the unity phase of marriage. 

 

1. Help husbands to realize that conflicts arising from the couple’s lack of sexual intimacy can be solved by accepting the idea that he, himself, is the cause of his wife’s aversion to having sex with him. With this realization, men will become more conscious of the negative ways they interact with their wives and will learn how to curb such negative behaviors. 

 

2. Couples should openly discuss and respect each other’s turn-ons/turn-offs By having this open dialogue, couples are able to understand and respect one another’s choices. The couple will also solve conflicts involving sexual blackmail placed on the woman who is guilted or exploited into believing that it is her “obligation” to be sexually intimate with her husband even though it goes against her own wishes. 

 

 

Personal Thoughts

 

          While I find fault with the advice provided by male-dominance oriented therapists, such as Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil, I feel that the Unity Model of Marriage cannot go without its own critique.  I recognize that the Unity Model of Marriage has a more liberated view of women’s involvement within a marriage, but I also feel that it may be too harsh on the men in these same relationships.  Not all men are authoritarian-like, nor do they all wish to commit sexual blackmail against their partners.  When a couple experiences any type of conflict within their relationship, both partners must look within themselves to see how they have negatively contributed to each conflict and must both work together in order for their relationship to be more “harmonious”.

 

 

Section 2: Team Presentation on Readings

By Tracey Nieto & Sumiyo Ishikawa

 

The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage

By Dr. Laura Schlessinger

 

                  Mother Laura’s marriage tools

 

            In this chapter Dr. Laura addresses how to help “fix” broken marriages and gives ten suggestions on how this can be done. She believes that instead of giving up and throwing the marriage away, couples should do whatever it takes to fix it. This is also what the teams presented and gave their insights on each step. When I read this chapter I was quite surprised that I found almost all of her suggestions veered away from the Male Dominance Model and into the Equity Model, some even hinting toward the first stages of the Unity Model.

 

1) There Is No “I” In Team

 

         In this step she emphasizes the point that in a marriage you are a team. I strongly agree with this point. She states that when the going gets to feeling hopeless and way too ugly, it is time to remember the covenant and your earliest dreams and hopes for the relationship.

 

Personally, I see this as a very deceptive tactic and don’t agree that it’s acceptable to lie, just because you call it a ‘special kind of lie’, but I suppose I can see where Dr. Laura is coming from to a certain degree. The whole point here is that instead of focusing on why your partner is frustrating you or how they’ve failed, that you should instead, make a list of things you appreciate about them, and the good that they do for you. She also suggests that you make a list of all the things you plan to do for them.

 

2) Down Memory Lane

 

         Here, she gave an example of a couple who were older when they began their marriage. However, their relationship became more like brother and sister rather than husband and wife. When he saw her cooking for a sick neighbor one day, he stated that he fell in love with her when she cooked him dinner. Then she commented back that she fell in love with him while they were dancing. So a week later they went dancing. I enjoyed this small story because he listened to what she said and acted on it by taking her dancing. In turn she started cooking for him more often. In this step, I believe Dr. Laura brings her suggestions into the Unity Model because it shows that by the husband affectively listening to his wife, he was able to open her back up and bring love and happiness into their marriage again. Remember back to what made you “fall in love” and make that memory live today.

 

3) Mutual Forgiveness

 

         In this step, Dr. Laura speaks of a couple whose marriage just didn’t seem to fall into place after the first year. The stresses and unpredictable events of life left them with hard feelings between them very early on. How they eventually dealt with the impending explosion of animosity toward each other was that they forgave each other, and agreed to let the past die and start over. Although I do believe that this step is a good start, it is just that, a start. I think that in order for it to really work, and improve the marriage they would both have to agree on that point for the remainder of their marriage.

 

4) Dump Your Prideful Ways

 

When someone tells you that you’ve hurt them, it is easy to get defensive. You want to defend your actions and explain yourself. You want to feel justified with what you’ve done because of how you’re feeling and what they’ve done to you. Dr. Laura says that rarely when this occurs, can a person just listen. Just allow their partner to tell them why they’re hurting and what they’ve done. She says that in this situation it is important to just listen, in silence. Really take in what your partner is saying and find some part of it that you can agree with, even if it is small and own up to your actions of hurting them. Sitting there and trying to prove to them why you did it or that they are wrong does not solve anything, it does not make matters improve. This is where you have to just admit that you were insensitive and hurt them, even if that wasn’t your intention, it was the result.

If you can do this, your partner will be able to do with back. Dr. James said, when Lisa was discussing this in class, that the wife needs to be able to express herself without the husband feeling disrespected. In other words, she needs to be able to explain that he hurt her and own up to it, without feeling the need to justify his actions. I find this thought a bit hard to swallow. I understand the importance of it, but I think my pride gets in the way here because I am very stubborn when it comes to admitting I’m wrong.

 

5) Ignore the Sometimes Not So Small Stuff

 

Dr. Laura explains that everyone has bad things in their personality. No one is perfect and everyone has flaws. Here, she talks about a listener who wrote to her named Jim. He said that he and his wife were about to avoid divorce by taking responsibility for their own actions and focusing on how they could improve themselves instead of trying to change the things they didn’t like about the other person. Jim would get physically violent when he was upset. His wife would swear at him and hurt him with her words; this is one of the things that upset him the most. Jim decided to take responsibility for what he was doing. He wrote his wife a letter that said if he ever physically hurt her again, he would call the cops on himself. He learned better ways to divert his anger and would take time to cool off. His wife would use words to hurt him, but now if she swears (which it occurs much less often now) he will ignore it and then later she will apologize for it. Lisa explained that originally, Jim was in the male dominance phase but now he is in the equity phase.

With this one, I find it really hard to believe that a man who has been continuously physically abusive can just shut that off and do better. I don’t think that is something for the wife to just ignore. That is serious and unjustifiable in my book. I think Dr. Laura has a lot of nerve putting a story like this in her book. I feel like she is almost justifying his abusive behavior because he eventually fixed it.

 

6) You’re the Genius!... No, Honey, YOU’RE the Genius!

 

         Dr. Laura suggests trying to remember that two heads can be much better than one if you show some respect for the other’s head. It is better and healthier for a relationship to come up with a solution together than each of you separately. Instead of fighting your partners’ perspective, make the effort to find something good about it. That way they feel heard and appreciated instead of feeling considered stupid and useless. She calls it loving negotiation.

 

7) Nicer to Strangers

 

         Here, Dr. Laura states that it is easy to take advantage of love and your loved one, and love for granted. Don’t- you have too much to lose and the potential of too many people being hurt. She believes, as well as I do, that if you don’t treat your partner so poorly then they won’t either. Ideally, this is true. However, it is not always so in all relationships. That’s why I think this step would work well in the Equity and Unity Model.

 

8) It Is a Far Greater Blessing to Give than Receive

 

         Sometimes couples need, want, demand, or expect more from their partners but never communicate it with each other. Dr. Laura suggests that along with better communication, coming out of your self at times of your partner’s needs, while difficult, is better medicine. Do an errand for your loved one or something special and unexpected. That way you support them in their time of need, and with that, can expect the same in the time of yours. Personally I agree with that. When my boyfriend does small things for me when I’m feeling down or having a bad day, it not only makes me feel better to have his support and love, but it makes me want to do the same for him when he needs it. This makes our relationship more satisfying.

 

9) Forget Rewriting History

 

         In this example, a couple realizes that years of resentment in their marriage weren’t just going to disappear overnight. Neither of them were just going to spontaneously change the errors of their ways and heal their relationship. Especially if one or the other wasn’t up to facing their faults just yet. Dr. Laura suggests that the best thing you can do when you’ve messed up is do the right thing from this point on, and pray for the best.

 

10) Kings and Queens

 

It’s as simple as this: treat him like a king, and he will treat you like a queen”.

 

         If I wanted to follow the Unity model, I would want that statement to be the other way around. If you treat her like a queen, then she will make you her king. Dr. Laura states that if you give him/her what they want and need, then their affections and appreciation will make the relationship that much sweeter. In the Unity Model, this step would be true. If you physically, cognitively and affectively love her, then you will get the same in return. You will have achieved conjugial love and will be able to create a heaven her in the physical world and be together for eternity.      

 

 

The Lazy Husband

By Joshua Coleman

 

It’s a personality thing

 

A key par of creating change in a marriage comes from achieving an understanding of how your and your partner’s personalities

affect your marriage. We need to know how your past and to understand how your partner’s past. Understanding his personality because it can help you correct his misperceptions about you and help you communicate in ways that do not trigger his anxiety, negativity, and defensiveness. This chapter will present common personality types, how they can create problems and how they can change. There are 4 types of personality husband or wife; The boy-husband, The worried wife, The worried husband, The perfectionistic wife, The perfectionistic husband, The angry husband, and The angry wife.

 

 

The boy-husband

 

Bob was 26 years old and working at an electronics stores as a floor sales man. Bob was attracted to Lena who had all of the qualities such as being responsible and earning a good income. Bob grow up in a family with depressed and ineffective parents. Bob’s parents were not involved in any meaningful way to support him in his life. When Lena married Bob, Lena had no idea he was incapable of conducting an adult life. Lena mistakenly assumed that the increase in responsibility of parenthood would force Bob to grow up and change for Bob’s laziness.

 

Just one more child to take care of

 

Commonly women complain that living with their husband is like having another child. In Lena’s case, she complained that Bob was like another child. Consider the following the guidelines:

 

Work to feel less responsible for him

 

Become aware of the your feelings of over responsibility and work toward more detached from those feelings. Women are socialized to feel responsible for others, and many women have a hard time to feel happy if their husband or children are worried in any way. In Lena’s case, she was afraid that if she did not make Bob get out of bed in the morning, he would get fired. Lena had to decide whether she wanted to Bob to grow up or remain dependence. Also Lena had to let Bob know that she was not going to continue to parent him.

 

Gain an understanding of why you are overly responsible

 

Lena accepted of Bob’s behavior which was a dependent husband because of unregulated feelings of responsibility. Lena was the eldest child in a family of seven. She had to take equal responsibility. In order to determine how much your feelings of over responsibility contribute to your husband’s laziness.

 

Use nonjudgmental language to let your partner know of your change

 

If you have a new idea to manage, it is a good idea to give your partner attention without humiliating him. In Lena’s case, she had to take responsibility for the equality because of his inability to manage responsibility. Dr, Joshua advised Lena to organize conversation and he recommended that you slowly eliminate the tasks you want him to take over.

 

Make an honest assessment of whether some part of you likes or benefits from your partner’s dependency

 

It may make you focus on what he is doing wrong and ignore what he is doing right. If this is the case, you have to strive to recognize that part of yourself and begin to move your attention to the positive aspects of your partner’s behavior or contributions. Bob never leaned that how to be a fully functioning adult. Bob’s dependency was caused by his parental neglect.

 

Don’t expect overnight change

 

It is more likely to take some time for them to successfully change. What can change overnight is how much you do for your partner that he can rightly do for himself. This is important because you can have time to apply activities for your liking by eliminating your function of over responsibility. 

 

 

The worried wife

 

Worry is often at the core of overly responsible behavior. Liya refused to get baby-sitting because she terrified of leaving the children with a baby-sitter due to the occasional stories about child kidnapping or abuse. Liya’s husband got angry at her because she would never go out on a date with him without children. Liya needed to learn how to tolerate leaving the children with baby-sitters. Liya became more confident to go away for a weekend without being terrified within a year.

 

What to do if this describes you

 

Strive to understand the nature of your worry. Ask yourself the following questions :

 

1.    1.   Does it appear rational ?

2.    2.   Did something happen in my childhood or past that has left me feeling unsafe ?

3.    3.   If so, is it possible that it is interfering with my judgment and assessment of danger for my children,

4.    4.   or those closest to me ?

5.    5.   Do others tell me that I worry too much tease me about my excessive worry ?

6.    6.   Do the things that I worry over rarely come to pass ?

7.    7.   If so, am I able to integrate that knowledge or do I quickly move on to the next worry ?

 

If you answer yes in the several items, your worry is probably interfere with your life and may be interfering with your marriage.    

                                   

Begin to push back against your worries

 

Make a decision to push against one or two of the worries that are interfering with your life. Make a commitment to do small steps that are learning to tolerate worry.

                                   

 

The worried husband

                          

While women have a more common feature against excessive worry, many men also have this problem. Mark was raised in a family with parents who constantly worried about money. When he become parent, he constantly worried that something bad was

going to happen to his family. Early in his marriage, his wife experienced his worry over her and the children. When the children became older, she began to feel more weighed down by his constant worries and inability to relax and enjoy the many things.

                                   

 

What to do if this describe your partner

                                   

Don’t criticize him for his worry.

 People who worry excessively feel suffering and would gradually stop if they could. Express for him such as “It sadness me to see that you feel so tortured by these worried. It is okay with me if you do not do it exactly right.”

                                            

Tease him if he’ll let you.

People who are worries often know that they are out of control with it. If he has a sense of humor, you try to joke with him. This technique only works if he has a sense of humor and he appears to feel comfortable.

                 

Don’t allow his worries to rule the roost.

If he worries to much in front of the children, show them other option, without undermining him. People often control their behavior in response to their partner’s needs, desires, and insecurities, women especially.

                                            

Have him talk to his doctor about a medication evaluation.

Excessive worry may be due to a biological condition. There are a number of psychological diagnoses that cause people to worry, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, and a host of anxiety disorders.

 

 

The perfectionistic wife

                 

Perfectionists often have a hard time enjoying their lives or their marriage. Being a perfectionist is stressful because it makes you more likely to believe, often irrationally, that your partner is also holding you to this impossible standard. This is an important perception to gain control since both men and women feel unhappier in their marriages and communicate less effectively when they expect perfection of themselves.

 

Are you a perfectionisit?

 

1.    1.   I can not relax if something is incomplete.

2.    2.   Noting I do is never quite good enough.

3.    3.   I can never stop and take pride in what I have done. I am always off to the next task.

4.    4.   I can never please anyone.

5.    5.   I never can get anything right.

6.    6.   People are always looking for the chink in my armor.

7.    7.   If people get to know me, they will see how inadequate I really am.

8.    8.   I have to work extremely hard to maintain a good impression and it is really exhausting.

9.    9.   I take pride and pleasure in my hard standards but I drive everyone around me work on.

                          

Some examples of a perfectionistic orientation toward your spouse are :

1.    1.   He can never do things all of the way, it is always half-assed.

2.    2.   If he only tried a little harder, I would be happier.

3.    3.   I am always mad at my husband for one things or another because he never gets stuff right.

 

Do your husband or others frequently :

1.    1.   Say that you are misreading or mishearing what being said

2.    2.   Tell you that you are too sensitive.

3.    3.   Worry that you don not relax enough.

4.    4.   Complain that you are overly defensive or overly critical.        

                                                                                                                      

Strive to understand the origins of your feelings

What about your past or your childhood made you feel that something would occur if you were less than perfect ?

 

Examine your irrational beliefs

Go to the section titled are you a perfectionist ? Choose three or four of these examples to start actively.

                          

Examine your criticism about you husband

If you are a perfectionist, it is possible that your perfectionism interferes with your ability to look at the ways that he positively contributes to the family. Pick up one or two points what you will work to appreciate him, and two other points what you are going to stop complaining about him.

                                                                                          

                          

The perfectionistc husband

 

Perfectionists can be hard to live with. Living with a husband who has perfectionistic expectations of you may be cause you to feel controlled, dominated, or criticized. You may feel frustrated that he has a hard time relaxing or feeling good about himself. Men who are perfectionists are less like to be lazy husbands, perfectionists tend to hardworking and obsessive.

                                   

 

The angry husband

                          

Living with a hostile or abusive spouse can make you feel depressed, anxious, or afraid. You may need to know how to decreasehis authority before you can effectively strategize how to get him to do more with family. There are many reasons why women stop complying with their husband’s anger. Some common examples are as follows:

 

                                    In makes me feel terrible about myself when he gets mad at me

 

Children who grow up in abusive or neglectful family develop that they are not authorized to protect themselves from mistreatment. Gina took individual therapy because of feelings of depression and anxiety. She learned how her past was affected her present life. She wrote down her reaction about her emotion, behavior, and belief in the journal to become more conscious how she talked to herself. Cognitive-behavioral techniques.

                                   

                                    State your requests with an assumption of cooperation

 

This conversation should be an assumption of cooperation and a belief that he wants to make her happy. Greg and Gina could go a unproductive way in their conversation. The greater number task that he should choose – the harder, the fewer number of tasks.

                 

                                    Don’t let your intimidation rule you

 

People change slowly. The main idea is to commit to a new form of behavior for a set of time, such as six months to a year. Gina’s most serious problem was not just Greg and she also had her anxiety and lack of entitlement. That is why you should make a plan.

 

                                    I don’t want the children to witness conflict

 

Many parents worry that marital fight is potentially traumatizing for their children. Children clearly prefer if their parents never fight. However children are generally not harmed by parental fights. It may be better for you get strong to withstand him.

                                   

                                    It’s not worth it to me to see him so upset, so I just give in

 

If you live with a hostile spouse, you learn how to deal with your husband’s upset without freaking out. Women’s socialization is to be focused compromises in their dealing with a man’s out of control. Gina made list of behavior that she wants to change.

 

                                    I feel sorry for him

 

Women grow up with fathers who are weak, fragile, or dependent may feel so worried about hurting a man’s feelings that they never challenge. Winnie need to know that her husband could endure her resisting to him before she could start making demands.

 

                                    If you feel afraid your strength consider the following :

 

1.    1.   Examine where your beliefs come from.

2.    2.   Work to see that it is not your job to hold up your husband.

3.    3.   Examine your sense of guilt.

 

                                                      Going forward with the angry husband

 

Dr, Joshua recommended that you should begin to make change. People who live with an intimidating spouse often believe that it will change someday. Children benefit from watching their parents strive to have their needs without being too selfish or selfless.

 

 

The angry wife

 

Some women respond to childhood abuse by becoming submissive, others become aggressive. Unfortunately, these women interact with blazing every moment and women are more likely make their husbands feel resentful and resistant to change.

                                    

                                     Dealing with guilt

 

Angry behavior can make intense feelings of guilt. Guilt contributes to feelings of self-hatred. Self-hatred reduces your resilience.  Because your internal resources go showing wrong in your mind. Self-forgiveness and self-compassion increase your resilience.

 

                                     Exercise on guilt

 

Some common examples: List some behaviors that you feel chronically guilt.

1.    1.   I feel gilt that about losing my patience with my children and/or husband.

2.    2.   I feel guilty that I do not spend enough time with my children/husband/friends/parents.

3.    3.   I feel guilty bad about yelling at my husband or kids in the same way that I was yelled at when I was a kid.

4.    4.   I feel guilty about hitting my kids or husband.

5.    5.   I feel guilty that I do not do more with or for my parents.

 

                                     Pledge         

                          

Dr, Joshua wants you to seriously commit to accepting yourself for whatever you currently blame yourself of doing or not doing.  He also said that you should reduce self-hatred and move toward self-forgiveness, self-compassion, and a commitment to change.

 

 

Lecture notes N16d

                 

Table 16d. 1

Characteristics of Husband’s Discourse

(Chart read from the bottom up)

 

This chart is read from the bottom up

THREEFOLD SELF OF HUSBAND

SENSORIMOTOR (S)

COGNITIVE (C)

AFFECTIVE (A)

3

UNITY PHASE

focus on his wife

·        always talks in a friendly voice

·        doesn’t interrupt his wife

·        always appearing to be interested, involved in conversation

·        supportive of her thoughts

·        adopts his wife’s views

·        thinks his masculine view is not as important as his wife’s view (their view combined.)

·        makes his wife more central in his mind

·        wants mental intimacy with her

·        does not resist affective intimacy

2

EQUITY PHASE

focus on topic/task

·        talks like he is always out to defend his views,  rights, or conveniences

·        exaggerates and lies to control her

·        calls her bad names and criticizes her

·        thinks that her views are not as important as his

·        considers his views fair and rational

·        hides his feelings to control her

·        has areas of his own independence

·        tortures his wife by resisting her

1

MALE DOMINANCE PHASE

focus on himself

·        interrupts her

·        calls her names

·        uses harsh tones

·        uses gestures and his body to intimidate her or to punish her

·        thinks that women are less intelligent than men

·        dismisses her views when it’s convenient for him

·        dominates her rather than be intimate with her

·        Would rather hang out with his friends than his wife

 

Observation:

A wife experiences and hears her husband through their overt interactions (S). From her sensations, she can recognize what her husband is thinking and feeling.

 

Male Dominance:

If a wife is constantly being interrupted by her husband, she can feel it through her sensation and is unable to fully express herself (S). If a man physically or mentally abuses his wife, she starts to think (C) that he thinks (C) of her less. She will also think (C) that he loves (A) to dominate her rather than be intimate with her (A).

 

Equity Phase:

If a husband is always trying to defend his views, his wife will think (C) that he thinks (C) her views are below his. This means that he is not committed mentally (C) or personally (A). He wants to maintain his areas of independence.

 

**Sexual love in the dominance and equity phases begin below the belt and move upward into the chest.

 

Unity Phase:

If a wife sees that her husband is polite, considerate and thoughtful of her feelings, then her consciousness enters a conjugial sphere of heavenly peace because he wants to conjoin with her in all areas of his three-fold self. A couple has reached the final unity stage once the husband sees her views as more important than his own.  She will feel a sensation (S) throughout her body, which can lead to sexual feelings.

 

**Sexual love in the unity phase turns into conjugial love and begins in the chest and moves down below the belt.

 

 

Section 3: Team Exercises

By Sumiyo Ishikawa

 

(a) Summarize the main ideas presented by the team.

 

Dr. Laura who is famous woman as a therapist and counselor. She supports and promotes the male dominance phase of marriage. In the male dominance phase of interaction, the wife is coerced to have sex with husband without feeling mentally intimate with him. According the lecture notes, there are two steps; (1) Teach husband that things can fix if he accepts the idea that he is the cause of his wife’s aversion to having sex with him and  (2) Teach husband how to obtain facts from his wife concerning he turn her off and makes her feel sexually not attracted toward him. From the video “Care and Feeding of Marriage”, Dr. Laura says that the marriage always has trouble and she emphases that we create the marriage makeover. There are two main ideas; one is that reflects on touching and spectacular moments and the other is that think how to provoke good moments. From the book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage”, Dr. Laura approaches that man has the right to expect wife to have sex with him when he wants it.

 

 

(b) Describe what they did and how they interpreted it.

 

They presented about Dr. Laura promotes the male dominance phase of marriage which the wife coerces to have sex with husband. Also they explained about the male dominance phase of interaction how to involve each other without mental intimacy from the lecture notes. In addition, they described about the Dr. Laura’s video that talked about the book Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. 

 

(c) Describe some of the ideas that needed a better justification or greater amplification.

 

         I think that each person had great presentation speech to talk about the male dominance phase of marriage. One person focused on the

lecture notes to explain about the male dominance phase. The other person pointed out the Dr. Laura’s video to report the main ideas and content. Another person talked about the parents and friends couple relationship based on the unity model of marriage.

 

 

(d) What was the success of the approach they used?

 

                  I think that they succeeded the organization of the group presentation. After they explained each section, they made an opinion about the

Dr. Laura’s male dominance perspectives either agree or disagree. From the Dr. Laura’s video, they also picked up the Dr. Laura’s male dominance phase how to involve each other in the marriage relationship. In the presentation, they represented parent marriage relationship to relate with the material. Each person had great success to present the topic and to provide the information for classmates.

 

 

(e) What improvements are needed in the procedures or in the instructions?

 

I think that their presentation was success way to organize and to present the lecture material. This presentation had a great variety of opinion about the Dr. Laura supports the male dominance phase of marriage. After they presented the topic of the male dominance phase of marriage, classmates participated discussion to give an idea or opinion. In the male dominance phase, the wife pressures to have sex with the husband without mental intimacy with him, so they do not involve the cognitive and affective intimacy.

 

 

(f) What are the limitations of these types of exercises?

 

I think that they had various opinions to talk about the Dr. Laura’s male dominance perspective. However these exercises had limitation to discuss about the Dr. Laura’s the male dominance phase of marriage. Because there is the only way to focus on the Dr. Laura’s approach that we create simple significance what the wife or the husband wants to and needs to in the marriage relationship.

 

 

(g) Describe what happened when you did some of the steps of the exercises. 

 

Although Dr. Laura supports the male dominance phase which focuses on him-self and she also talks about the unity model which focuses on his wife in the video. I am impressed that Dr, Laura emphasizes that how much time does husband spend time to think about wife and to

make her happy. When I think about my friends in the marriage relationship, happy couples try to make the unity phase. Husband tries to support wife, to adopt feminine view, and to love mental intimacy with wife. So husband tries to think about how to make wife happy. Also wife tries to love mental intimacy what husband is feeling to make husband happy. However, unhappy couples do not try to consider each other what husband or wife doing / thinking / feeling. I believe that married partners start the male dominance phase but they can create the unity phase to involve the sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective intimacy each other to enjoy married life and to make husband / wife happy.

 

 

Section 4: Annotated Web Links

By Lisa Ha

 

         1. Emotional Effects of Marital Abuse

 

http://eaandfaith.blogspot.com/2006/05/my-journey-from-marital-abuse.html

 

This website provides a story from a woman who has experienced physical abuse from her husband and how it has affected her throughout

her life. As she stays and attempts unity with him, he forever stays in the male dominance stage.

 

2. Mental Abuse-The 7 Most Important Things To Know

 

http://ezinearticles.com/?Mental-Abuse---The-7-Most-Important-Things-To-Know&id=60849

 

This website provides the 7 different ways that men mentally abuse their wives and gives advice to women who are going through it.

 

3. Top 10 Marriage Mistakes

 

http://marriage.about.com/od/marriagetoolbox/tp/mistakes.htm

 

This website explains mistakes made in the sensorimotor, cognitive and affective stages of the threefold self by men.

 

4. How To Keep Your Sex Life Alive

 

http://marriage.about.com/library/howto/htsex.htm

 

This website tells you how to keep your sex life alive and how it goes wrong. The article is directed towards husbands who are in the

male dominance and equity phase.

 

5. Domestic Abuse

 

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

 

 

This website provides the warning signs and symptoms of abusive relationships, and men who are in the male dominance stage use it

to get what they want from their spouse.

 

6. Pull-Resist Relationship System

 

http://www.innerbonding.com/index.lasso?did=content&content.article=133

 

Dr. Paul gives her opinion on why marital sex often dies after marriage. She defines what the “pull-resist relationship system” is and

how it blocks a relationship’s sexual energy.

 

7. Why Dr. Laura is (Usually) Right

 

http://www.probe.org/faith-and-culture/society/why-dr.-laura-is-usually-right.html

 

Read other’s opinions on Dr. Laura’s advice and how they think she is right, most of the time.

 

8. Don’t Listen to Dr. Laura

 

http://www.secularhumanism.org/library/fi/presley_21_1.html

 

Read what others have to say about Dr. Laura and how they disagree with her teachings, compare and form your own opinion.

 

9. Achieving Intimacy In Life

 

http://www.mtnviewhospital.com/Health%20Information%20Library/PFF%20Achieving%20Intimacy%20in%20Life.htm

 

Learn the different types of intimacy, how to develop last relationships and how to reach the unity model of marriage.

 

10. Marital Intimacy

 

http://www.allaboutgod.com/marital-intimacy.htm

 

This article shows the women’s view on the unity model of marriage and how a man can achieve it. It also talks about what God’s role is in the process.