Report
5: “Mental Intimacy”
Psy 409b, Spring 2008, Generation 27
Dr. Leon James, Instructor,
Link to class home page
Section 1: Lecture
N. Salviejo
Link to: Lecture Notes (Section
6)
This week’s
lecture notes focuses on ways that husbands and boyfriends can improve their
relationships with their wives and girlfriends.
One way that husbands and boyfriends can do this is by developing a
deeper level of mental intimacy with their partners, which in turn will help
their relationship to reach a higher level in the Three-Fold Self as
characterized by the Unity Model of Marriage.
In order for
husbands and boyfriends to develop a deeper level of mental intimacy with their
wives and girlfriends they must first do two things, which include: stop adding
to their partner’s mental distress and, secondly, men must learn ways that will
ease their partners’ mental distress.
Husbands who
truly cherish and love the mental intimacy provided by their wives will easily
be able to do these two things.
According to Dr. James, for the husbands who only love their partners on
a shallow level (i.e. loving their wives physical appearance and not the mental
intimacy provided by partners), they will continually refuse to practice these
two rules on a daily basis. In the end,
the husbands who do not wish to become more mentally intimate with their wives,
they will not become soul mates in eternal marriage.
“Anti-intimacy
Practices”
Below is a
list of common behaviors, or “anti-intimacy practices”, that husbands and
boyfriends must refrain from doing, in order to ease or not add any more mental
distress experienced by their wives and girlfriends:
1. Insulting
or embarrassing their wife in public.
2. Ignoring
her when she walks into the room.
3. Refusing
to help her with household chores.
4. Pressuring
her to have sex even when she says no.
5. When
a husband lies or hides things from his wife.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Husbands must
monitor their interactions with their partners and must take note of the types
of disjunctive behaviors they partake in, which may result in their wife’s
unhappiness or mental distress. In order
to do so, they must allow their wives to point out these disjunctive behaviors
and then must try to stop these negative behaviors themselves.
Dr.
Laura and Disjunctive Behavior
One example of
a disjunctive behavior explained in the lecture notes was found in a radio
conversation Dr. Laura Schlessinger had with a woman
who was upset that her husband accused her of not loving him because she chose
to teach Sunday school at a Christian church than accompany him to mass at the
same church.
Under the
Unity Model of Marriage, the husband is displaying a selfish disjunctive
behavior in which he is choosing to not respect his wife’s choice to
teach. According to Dr. James, this is a
form of mental abuse and this mentality and level of moral reasoning stems from
the male dominance phase of the Unity Model of Marriage. A solution to this would be for the husband
to accompany his wife while she teaches Sunday school. He doesn’t necessarily need to know the
subject matter; he can just sit there and help her manage the children in the
classroom. By doing this, the husband
will show his respect for his wife and her choices.
By
discontinuing these disjunctive behaviors, men will come to discover that they
can experience great pleasure from this—they will discover that they actually
enjoy trying to become more mentally intimate with their wives. In turn, wives will feel more fulfilled,
knowing that they have helped their husbands discontinue such destructive
behaviors. The wife’s desire for
conjunction will be realized and the couple will both experience a level of
happiness they have never experienced before.
Eventually, the couple will become soul mates and will be well on their
way of achieving conjugial love in eternal union in
the immortality of their heaven.
Bill
of Rights
If
husbands choose to they can also draft a “Bill or Rights” in which he is
choosing to not respect his wife’s choice to teach. According to Dr. James, this is a form of
mental abuse and this mentality and level of moral reasoning stems from the
male dominance phase of the Unity Model of Marriage. A solution to this would be for the husband
to accompany his wife while she teaches Sunday school. He doesn’t necessarily need to know the
subject matter; he can just sit there and help her manage the children in the
classroom. By doing this, the husband
will show his respect for his wife and her choices.
A bill of rights or list of human rights that they owe their wives
everyday. By having this list, it portrays for husbands
in specific terms what his ideal is as a practitioner of the unity model of
eternal marriage. In addition, the
couple can encourage one another to develop a deeper level of mental intimacy
as characterized under the unity phase of the unity model of marriage.
For example the Bill of rights could
include the following:
1. Placing
the wife at the top of the husband’s agenda and daily effort.
2. Giving the wife total loyalty, taking precedence over
children, career, and hobbies.
3. Husbands
preferring to spend time with their wives over time spent with friends.
4. Husbands
showing their wives that they enjoy their wives’ humor and intelligence.
5. Husbands
will show that they enjoy speaking with their wives and will respond to her in
a kind and caring manner.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
How
to keep your marriage strong
Here are some
other tips on how to have a more successful and meaningful marriage as stated
by Dr. John Gottman from his research on successful
marriages:
• Express more positives than negatives.
In Gottman’s research, he found that those happily
married showed a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative statements to each other and
about their relationship.
• Accept each other’s influence. In
strong partnerships neither spouse is too rigid to consider the requests or
input of his or her mate.
• Maintain high standards. Those who
regularly accept disrespectful behavior from a partner are likely to see their
relationship deteriorate over time.
• Learn how to exit an argument. This can
include expressions of humor, compassion or appreciation; a time-out until
cooler heads prevail; or even backing off from your position in the
disagreement.
• Edit your angry thoughts. Just because
it’s normal to feel anger doesn’t mean it’s useful to express all of it. Those
rated as happier couples learned to manage angry thoughts and share them
judiciously.
• Consider your opening. Pay attention to
your tone and wording. Couples can avoid, soften or de-escalate differences
through the manner in which they raise sensitive issues.
• Don’t hesitate to seek professional
help. Gottman reports that the average couple waits
six years before reaching out for help with a troubled marriage. The earlier a
couple addresses problems the easier it is to make positive changes.
(Source: parenthood.com)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Section 2
J. Garcia and A. Valenzuela
The Lazy Husband by Joshua Coleman
Chapter 8 For the Husband pages 182-202
Chapter 9 The Lazy
Husband Campaign pages 203-206
In Chapter 8 of his book, Coleman addresses the husbands, and gives tips
on improvement under the following areas: Housework and Sex, Childhood,
Parenting, Daily Appreciations. In this section I’ll look at his
suggestions and see where they fall within the Unity Model. Coleman states “the
best way to change your partner is to change yourself.” I usually think
his point of view is Equity, but this comment sounds more Unity to me. Other
topics covered in this chapter also places Coleman in both Equity and Unity.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Housework and Sex
Coleman points out the different views of males and females on the importance
of sex in the marriage. He mentions studies on Marriage by John
Gottman, and gives tips on how to
lower a wife’s stress by helping with the housework, in turn increasing her sex
drive.
Here are the three tips he gives:
·
“Write out a list with her of what she’d like you to do.” I think this could
fall under the Unity Stage, as it shows the husband’s desire to understand what
the wife wants and needs, and is trying to be that for her.
·
“See if there are bargains that can be made.” This falls back into the Equity
Stage, the give and take that isn’t always equal.
·
“Don’t fight with her so much.” This is Unity, putting the wife’s needs first
and understanding her rather than fighting with her.
Examine Your
Childhood
This is just a short section on looking at how your childhood affects your
marriage. This portion is in the Equity stage, and states the husband
should “assume you are half the problem.”
Parenting
This is also
a small section, encouraging fathers to be just as involved as mothers in the
parenting process. I think it is more and more common these days for dads
to be involved in the parenting. This is once again in the Equity phase.
Daily Appreciations
This chapter falls under the Unity Model. It opens with this
sentence:”…appreciate everything that your wife does for you, the kids, or the
house. I mean every freaking thing.” It also encourages the
husband to not be defensive and to talk about feelings. The tips in this
chapter lead to mental intimacy, and affective conjunction.
I liked this chapter, and found that none of it falls into the Male Dominance
stage. I think it takes couples in the right direction moving from Equity
to Unity. I also am very interested in Gottman’s
research, and think it could be very useful for husbands really trying to
improve their marriage. However, I also think that the husbands most in
need of these tips are probably not going to be willing to read this
book.
In Chapter 9 Coleman brings his book to a conclusion in an Equity
standpoint. He encourages men to be willing to change, and women to be
patient and let them change in their time. I think this can lead to a
healthy marriage if both are willing to contribute t the change and
improvement, however, I also believe it’s okay to walk away if no change is
being made where it is truly needed.
Lecture Notes 16e: Monitoring Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Discourse
This portion
of the lecture notes is a field activity that looks at discourse between
couples and then categorizes it as conjunctive or disjunctive based on Table 16d.1. It covers four ways
husbands and boyfriends are disjunctive with their wives and girlfriends.
1. “Negation Denial and Refusal”
Disjunctive replies in a conversation
occur often in the Male Dominance and Equity stages, and less often in the
Unity Stage. Disjunctive replies in a conversation are for example:
“no I don’t want to do that” “I didn’t do/say that” “let’s do this, not that.”
Conjunctive replies, most common in the Unity Stage could be for example:
“I would like to do that” “I may have said/did that” “yes, let’s do what you
suggested.”
I think a lot of men reply in these negative ways to women’s suggestions. I
also think in order to “keep the peace” a lot of women accept these replies
rather than argue for what they really want. It may place me in the
Equity phase, but I think compromise is the key to a good relationship. I think
sometimes the woman should give up what she wants for the man, just as I think
the man should sometimes give up what he wants for the woman.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. “Disloyalty, Secrecy, Lies”
Disjunctive acts in this section
included the husband discussing things with others that he had not discussed
with his wife, or discussing his wife with others in a manner she would not
approve of, keeping things from her and lying to control her. Conjunctive
acts in these situations would be to not discuss things with others without
discussing them with her first, speaking about her as though she were
listening, being open and honest with her about everything. These
things occur most often in the Male Dominance and Equity stage, and rarely in
the Unity stage.
I value honesty above all else in a relationship. In my last relationship my
boyfriend and I had an agreement that we would never lie to each other about
anything. It was hard sometimes, but even if the truth hurt, we were
honest. I think without honesty you can never have a real relationship.
This would be conjunctive with the Unity stage.
3. “Abusiveness, Swearing, Yelling”
Both physical and verbal violence
are disjunctive. This covers degrading and prejudiced language, swearing,
physical abuse, throwing or breaking objects out of anger and yelling or harsh
tones rather than speaking respectfully to each other. Conversation is key in relationships; these practices are most common in the
first two stages, Male Dominance and Equity. They should be very rare if you
are in the Unity Stage.
Many woman and even men sometimes stay in
abusive relationships. I believe being verbally abusive is just as bad as being
physically abusive, and think it’s sad so many people put up with it.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4. After Disturbing His Wife, Not Making Up Adequately Enough
A man must humble himself and make
things right after his disjunctive behavior. This is not easy for him, but it
shows he is moving toward mental intimacy if he does. A woman must make
her feelings know, so the man can understand how his disjunctive behavior hurts
her. If he really cares about her, he will want to make things right.
I think it is equally important for a woman to be conscious of her man’s
feelings in regards to her actions. This is usually easier for the woman, but
something I think both men and women need to continuously work on.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
C24
Link to: Generational Reports (C24)
Tracey Nieto presented C24 using two of the provided Generational Reports
by previous students Buchner and Montague. Anti-Unity Values (AUV) were
discussed in these reports, which consists of values that inhibits a couple
from gaining Affective conjunction found in the Unity model of marriage.
|
2) Having children out of wedlock 3) Making each other jealous on purpose 4) Adultery for various reasons 5) Promiscuity and bi-sexuality 6) Sexy dressing for men other than one's partner 7) Having a same sex best friend who is placed
ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things 8) Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed
ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things 9) Same sex friends going out as a group for fun
and entertainment without their partners 10) Flirting with other gender as retaliation
against one's partner (or other reason) 11) Separate interests and activities accepted for
partners 12) Manipulating partner through deception 13) Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree
to disagree" about some things 14) Promoting the idea that one should not try to
change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc. 15) Girls only or boys only entertainment 16) Acceptance of the idea that men are more
important 17) Promoting the idea that men are more rational
than women 18) Promoting the idea that women are generally
frivolous as part of their gender 19) Making it look normal for a man to exploit
women 20) Making it look normal for a man to abuse women 21) Making it look normal for a man to have
prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men,
doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.) 22) Making it look like what women say and think as
less important 23) Accepting the idea that a man does not need to
"grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the
minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are
still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.) |
Examples of Anti-Unity Values can be seen in the
media through television shows which we watch in our everyday lives. We adopt
these characters to enter into our homes each afternoon or night, and we follow
their stories and feel their heartaches or joyous experiences through their
shows. We become their friends, their families, their sisters and daughters as
we live and share each story line with them. Like our friends and families,
these characters go through trying times, in pursuit of finding happiness and
structure in their lives. They may have ups and downs which may follow them
through these AUV’s that arguably everyone has tried
or experienced at least once.
Everybody Loves Raymond
•
Encouragement of Male Dominance
•
Promotion of women’s servitude and duty to her husband
-
Ray’s mother serves dinner and cleans the home, while encouraging the men to
rest and relax.
• Husband and wife’s
relationship is not exclusively intimate in that Raymond’s family member are
always involved
•
AUV # 9, Ray’s golf trips with his
male friends
-
Exclusion of his family to be with his friends
Sex and the City
•
Living together unmarried (AUV # 1)
•
Promiscuity and bi-sexuality (AUV # 5)
-All
the girls dated and slept with many men to satisfy their emotions and
sexuality.
•
having a child out of wedlock (AUV # 2)
Desperate Housewives
•
Adultery (AUV # 4)
-A wife cheated on
her husband purposefully because he was not giving her the attention that she
wanted.
•
Making each other jealous on purpose (AUV
# 3)
Personal
Opinion
I feel that some of these AUV’s are an
understatement of ones relationship. Perhaps if the couple lived together (AUV
# 1) they could learn how to deal with problems that they experienced and
strengthen their passion for each other, or discover that they are not meant to
be together. I feel that it is acceptable for couples to cohabitate before they
are serious enough to get married and discover these faults later; it can be a
step that they can take to decide if they are right for one another.
However, in the lecture notes, it describes it being harder for the
couple to move from Equity to Unity since it would be difficult for the woman
to change or motivate her man to agree with her wishes. Other AUV’s such as #4 and 5, adultery and promiscuity can not be
acceptable to either partner because it is morally wrong and threatens their
union of reaching Unity. Being exposed to hurtful attacks at one another by
lying in bed with another partner can only push the man and woman further apart
from each other- widening the gap for which their relationship may fall
through.
I believe that couples should
follow the “Golden Rule” do unto others as you would want them to do unto you.
If you cheat, or don’t treat your significant other well, then expect them to
do the same- to cheat and treat you poorly as well. This is because if you disregard
someone else’s feelings, how can you expect them to give you love and care,
they should not because it will only enforce Male Dominance, not Equity or
Unity: which are what is needed to reach spiritual Unity in marriage.
Section 3: Presentation on Exercises
A. Valenzuela
a) Summarize the main ideas of the team.
In
this weeks exercise presentations, Josie Garcia, Lisa Ha, Angela Washington,
and Sumiyo Ishikawa presented Exercise 10.2.They
analyzed and compared the views given from the website of Achieving Intimacy In
Life Learning to Develop Lasting Relationships and the Unity Model of
Marriage. The main concepts given were
separated into Spiritual Intimacy, Emotional Intimacy Mental Intimacy, and
Physical Intimacy.
b) Describe what they did and how they interpreted it.
I don’t know why, but the
presentations were given on separate day. However, Sumiyo
and Josie presented on the communication portion of the exercises, being the 5
secrets to a healthy marriage according to Gary Smalley, and the 5 A’s of
Relationships, respectively. Angela and
Lisa presented on the 4 intimacies. The first
presenter I will summarize is Lisa Ha. Lisa reported on physical and mental
intimacy as provided by the previously mentioned website. According to the
website:
Angela presented on spiritual
intimacy and emotional intimacy.
Spiritual Intimacy
According to spiritual
intimacy, the partners have the deepest level of bonding, comparable to the
unity phase in the Unity Model of Marriage.
Similarly in both models, this phase is where the partners are no longer
individually a “me” but are one together as a “we”. In this spiritual intimacy each has to make
the commitment to each other, as well as the commitment to God. The commitment to God helps to develop the
spiritual intimacy between partners
Emotional Intimacy
She described emotional
intimacy as where both partners put themselves "out there" for each
other. They share their thoughts,
feelings and experiences openly and place themselves in vulnerable positions.
Reaching the levels prior to this one permits for emotional intimacy to
rule. She also named “vital signs” from
the web site that keep LOVE alive.
Mental Intimacy
Lisa Ha described mental
intimacy as the development of two minds working together as one. It can also
be described by the acronym L.O.V.E. Listen, Overlook and
forgive, Value each other, and Express love. This intimacy grows through communication,
creating an understanding of each other. Lisa proposes that these two concepts
must be reached to arrive at the unity phase. She also included in her
presentation 4 situations that we engage in during sexual activity.
Phase (0)
Sex without mental intimacy, not trying to achieve marital unity,
Phase (1) Sensorimotor system of partners is
the central feature. They each think of their own thoughts and feelings.
(DOMINANCE PHASE)
Phase (2)
Cognitive and Sensorimotor phases of conjunction
occur. Becomes more intimate, knowing of each others
attitudes, values and being familiar with each other’s sense of humor and
understand each other. (EQUITY PHASE)
Phase (3)
Affective, cognitive, and Sensorimotor
intimacies all occur. Sexual pleasure is more personal, more meaning and
satisfying. (UNITY PHASE)
Sumiyo presented on Gary Smalley’s 5 secrets to a
healthy marriage:
1. Get rid of anger and keep
it at the lowest possible level.
2. Strive to shed bad habits
you learned as a child.
3. Do not set unrealistic
expectations for your marriage.
4. Accept your spouse as a
flawed human being, the same as yourself.
5.
Commitment
c) Describe some of the ideas that needed a better
justification or greater amplification.
These
ladies did a great job on presenting the material. They helped me understand it because they
broke down the material and explained it piece by piece.
d) What was the success of the approach
they used?
I
think their success in presenting was how they split the information between
the four so they weren’t overly burdened with the material and bale to pick out
the more important points to present.
e) What improvements are needed in the
procedures or in the instructions?
I
have absolutely no complaints, I was very impressed.
f) What are the limitations of these
types of exercises?
I
see no limitations to the presentations other than the time limit. It was a lot of material to cover in just 10
minutes for each.
g) Describe what happened when you did
some of the steps of the exercises.
I
tried to discuss the subject matter of the exercises with my partner without
actually mentioning it was material I examined in class, and my partner agreed
with them. I didn’t mention it was from
class because I don’t think my partner would want to have a relationship
according to what my class says it should be.
Even though he is open-minded, I don’t think he would take the material
with the positive bias and that’s why I approached it covertly while I
discussed it with him.
However,
because he had no disagreements with the material I chatted about with him,
when this course is over, I can point out how all the concepts we had
conversations about were presented in this class. Then he can’t argue how valuable the
information really is. I found that
these exercises bear concepts similar to the Unity Model of Marriage, showing
that other people find taking steps comparable to the Unity Model of Marriage
are beneficial to making relationships work.
Section 4: Annotated
Web Links
N. Salviejo
Chris Rock:
View on Love & Relationships
Comedian, Chris Rock, shares a comical
perspective on love and relationships that relate towards Dr. Swedenborg’s
description of men and their refusal to have conjoined intimacy with their
female partners. In order to transcend to the next level of unity, a man
must be more open and more flexible towards his partner.
Emotional
Effects of Marital Abuse
This website provides a story from a
woman who has experienced physical abuse from her husband and how it has
affected her throughout her life. As she stays and attempts unity with him, he
forever stays in the male dominance stage.
Author, Kara Oh, talks about how to get a
man to open up and share from his heart, creating more intimacy and love.
This video can serve as an example of the male dominance model where women want
intimacy from their male partners, but men are unlikely to give the women what
they want during this phase of the Unity model.
The following is a video of jokes that
make fun of the type of disjunctive behaviors displayed by husbands in marriage
that often times displeases their wives.
Mental
Abuse-The 7 Most Important Things To Know
This website provides the 7 different
ways that men mentally abuse their wives and gives advice to women who are
going through it.
The “Nagging Wife” is a commercial that
serves as an example of the first two levels of conjunction as described by Dr.
Emanuel Swedenborg, in which the husband displays cognitive disjunction by
ignoring his wife and her needs. The husband in the commercial doesn’t
wish to be bothered by his wife while he is working on his laptop, so he
presses a button on his computer to get “rid” of her.
A musical poem about Soulmates.
This video can serve as an example of the last phase of the Unity model, where
husband and wife have conjugial love for one another
even in the afterlife.
Successful Marriage Secrets
Revealed
Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz reveal
the seven secrets of successful marriage as discusses in their new book
entitled Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage.
The Secret to a Successful
Marriage: For Men
A youtube video
blogger shares his perspective on marriage by
providing viewers a secret to a successful marriage that every man needs to
know.
The Secret to
a Successful Marriage: For Woman
In response to his first video, “The
Secret to a Successful Marriage: For Men”, A youtube
video blogger creates a second video providing women
viewers a secret to a successful marriage.