Stop Blaming
and Just Listen
Report 4
By: Brandi Schmeling
Co-Authors: Rebecca Alexander, Caitlin Botelho, Praew O’Connell,
Psy 409B, Spring
2008, Generation 27
Dr. Leon James, Instructor, University of Hawaii
Class Home Page
Section 1: Lecture Content
By : Praew O’Connell
This lecture note discuss about
characteristics of Husband’s discourse according to Ennead chart of threefold
self. When we talk, the threefold self of the person is involved. Affective
dictates what we think. Attitude categorizes in cognitive lever and what we say
is in sensorimotor. Therefore, we have to look at how
the husband’s thinking and feeling work together and how these things control
his sensorimotor self to understand the ennead chart.
Characteristics
of Husband's Discourse
(READ
TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL HE USES |
THREEFOLD
SELF OF HUSBAND |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
3 UNITY |
** tries to never
talk in an unfriendly tone |
** thinks that his
masculine views don't matter as much as his wife's views (which include his), since he is trying to adopt her feminine views for the
sake of unity in eternity. Recall that the wife's views are influenced by the
husband's views to begin with. |
** loves to learn how
to make his wife more central in his mind than himself |
|
2 EQUITY |
** talks like he is
always out to defend his views, rights, or conveniences |
** thinks that her
views are not as relevant to the specific situation |
** loves to retain
for himself some areas of independence |
|
1 MALE DOMINANCE |
** interrupts her |
** thinks that women
are less intelligent than men |
** loves to dominate
her more than to be intimate with her |
In affective level of male
dominance, the husband loves to dominance his wife rather than intimate with
her mentally. Instead, he is only being intimate with physically. He prefers
company of men to women. For example, he might prefer to stay with men rather
than stay together with his wife in the party or loves to go out with his guy
friends. In cognitive level, he thinks that women are less intelligent than
men. He dismisses her view and thinks that his opinion is more important. It is
a traditional mode of thinking in which women do not allow to have any opinion.
The husband is always a leader so he is the one who make all the decision. His
wife has to listen to him without any objection. In sensorimotor
lever, he likes to interrupt her and intimidate her by using hash tones, call
her name, or use gestures.
In affective level, he loves to retain himself independent. He does not
want to dominance her that much. He listens to her opinion more than male
dominance phase. However, he still insists on his independent and resists her.
In this phase, although he listens to his wife but it is ok to disagree with
and he might say that she does not think rational or relevant. In cognitive
lever, he might to try to compromise with her but at the end he considers his
view is more rational. He also hides his feeling in order to control her.
I think,
the husband in equity phase wants to mention good relationship with wife. So he
does not want take control directly. He hides his feeling so he can keep his
own independent. When he is mad, he might walk out on her and does not want to
listen. Since he still wants his own space, he does not ready to conjoin with
wife in threefold self.
Unity Phase
This is the highest
zone of the ennead chart of marriage. In affective level, he loves to learn how
to make his wife more central in his mind. He loves mental intimacy with her
and he loves her feminist view. He likes to be her friend and interdependent
rather than trying to control her. In cognitive level, he thinks that his
masculine view does not matter as his wife’s feminist view. He adopts her view
to become unity in eternity. He thinks that only single disagreement can
interrupt their life in eternity. When he talks to her, he does not interrupt
her and listen to her carefully when she expresses her feeling. He supports her
opinions and does not upset or get angry with her. Also, when he listens, he
listens attentively and be coordinate with his wife.
In the unity phase, the husband is ready to conjoin himself with his
wife in affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor intimacy
because conjugial love in eternity requires that both husband and wife have to
conjoin as one. I think when the husband commits himself to unity phase; it
allows them to become best friend, soul mate and lover at the same time because
he accepts his wife’s femininity. He also learn to conjoin his masculinity with
her femininity because masculinity and femininity are opposite and when both
partner learn to conjoin both together, they become a perfect fit and lead them
to happily marriage in both physical world and world of eternity.
The husband who what to be unity
with his wife has to learn to accept to love the 8 principles of good behavior.
1.
Not
express disagreement through sensory motor self expression
2.
Not
express disagreement in verbal express (affective)
3.
Not to
perform act disloyalty from e.g. cannot take the children side from her.
4.
To be
support because she needs men’s support (never criticize her)
5.
To be
protective her vulnerability, security (cannot attack her weakness)
6.
To be
useful to her in various ways to make her life more comfortable
7.
To
learn how to touch and arose her and to keep himself clean
8.
To
learn how to make up when he creates disjunctive
Section 2: Team
Presentation on Readings
Proper
Care and Feeding of Marriage
Chapter
6 “Mother Laura’s Marriage Tools” pages 181-189
Dr.
Laura Schlessinger
By: Brandi Schmeling
This chapter was discussed in class by Lisa
Ha. She went over each of Dr. Laura’s tools and gave an example from the book
of a couple that was able to successfully use the tool in their own marriage.
1)
There is no “I” in Team
Here,
Dr. Laura discusses how when marriage is on the brink of divorce, when
communication is shot and both parties are hurting, most of the time; they just
don’t know what else to do, so they get divorced. She basically says you’re not
sleeping with the enemy, you are a team; so work on the marriage, make it work.
She
uses an example of Aaron, Moses’s brother and how he
mended a relationship between two that used to be best friends by telling each
of them, separately, what she claims is a ‘special kind of lie’. He told both
of them that he had talked with the other and that they had said really nice
things about them. Dr. Laura claims this is a special kind of lie because the
two friends had nice things they thought about each other, even though they did
not say them.
Personally, I see this as a very deceptive
tactic and don’t agree that it’s acceptable to lie, just because you call it a
‘special kind of lie’, but I suppose I can see where Dr. Laura is coming from
to a certain degree. The whole point here is that instead of focusing on why
your partner is frustrating you or how they’ve failed, that you should instead,
make a list of things you appreciate about them, and the good that they do for
you. She also suggests that you make a list of all the things you plan to do
for them.
2) Down Memory Lane
Here
Dr. Laura suggests that you, as the title eludes, go down memory lane. It is
important to remember why you fell for each other in the first place, what you
loved about them when you first met, and the things you used to do together. It
is so easy to forget these things as years pass on.
There
is an example in this section that Dr. Laura talks about two of her listeners,
a married couple, Tommy and Coral. They were an older couple who, in their
seventies and eighties, they had been together fifteen years and were both on
their second marriage. They said they felt like brother and sister, just living
in the same house together.
One
day Coral cooked for a sick neighbor. She never cooked any more and when Tommy
saw that she had cooked he brought up how he fell in love with her when she
cooked him dinner in that same pan. She brought up how she fell in love with
him when he took her dancing but made the comment “ I
don’t cook anymore and we don’t dance anymore, so we both got gypped” However,
the next week Tommy wrote dancing on Corals to do list.
Coral
talked about how going dancing made her fall in love with Tommy all over again
and remember why she fell for him in the first place. She says they are madly
in love again and she is cooking more as well.
3) Mutual
Forgiveness
Here,
Dr. Laura has an example of a couple, Kimberly and her husband. They had an
amazing engagement, wedding, honeymoon, etc. When it came to married life,
however, things weren’t exactly as incredible. They had a lot of hardships, job
losses, difficult pregnancies, unplanned events, car accidents, deaths,
financial problems, etc. All of this put a big strain on their relationship.
When
it came to their five year anniversary, they ended up getting into a huge
fight. Yelling, screaming, crying, and the idea of divorce was
put on the table. They said that they immediately realized that was not what
they wanted. They said that once this happened, they both decided to forgive
each other, let the past be behind them, and move forward. They then renewed
their vows to each other and recommitted to making their marriage work.
I
think mutual forgiveness is essential. I don’t agree with Dr. Laura on a lot of
things, but this I most definitely agree with. You can dwell on the past
forever. It can take over and forbid you to move ahead. There will always be
what if’s and if only’s but there comes a point where
you have to say “what’s done is done, the past cannot be changed and from here
on out we have to move forward”.
4) Dump
Your Prideful Ways
When
someone tells you that you’ve hurt them, it is easy to get defensive. You want
to defend your actions and explain yourself. You want to feel justified with
what you’ve done because of how you’re feeling and what they’ve done to you.
Dr.
Laura says that rarely when this occurs, can a person just listen. Just allow
their partner to tell them why they’re hurting and what they’ve done. She says
that in this situation it is important to just listen, in silence. Really take
in what your partner is saying and find some part of it that you can agree
with, even if it is small and own up to your actions of hurting them. Sitting there
and trying to prove to them why you did it or that they are wrong does not
solve anything, it does not make matters improve. This is where you have to
just admit that you were insensitive and hurt them, even if that wasn’t your
intention, it was the result.
If
you can do this, your partner will be able to do with back. Dr. James said,
when Lisa was discussing this in class, that the wife needs to be able to
express herself without the husband feeling disrespected. In other words, she
needs to be able to explain that he hurt her and own up to it, without feeling
the need to justify his actions.
I
find this one a bit hard to swallow. I understand the importance of it, but I
think my pride gets in the way here because I am very stubborn when it comes to
admitting I’m wrong.
5) Ignore
the Sometimes Not So Small Stuff
Dr.
Laura explains that everyone has bad things in their personality. No one is
perfect and everyone has flaws. Here, she talks about a listener who wrote to
her named Jim. He said that he and his wife were about to avoid divorce by
taking responsibility for their own actions and focusing on how they could
improve themselves instead of trying to change the things they didn’t like
about the other person.
Jim
would get physically violent when he was upset. His wife would swear at him and
hurt him with her words; this is one of the things that upset him the most. Jim
decided to take responsibility for what he was doing. He wrote his wife a
letter that said if he ever physically hurt her again, he would call the cops
on himself. He learned better ways to divert his anger and would take time to
cool off. His wife would use words to hurt him, but now if she swears (which it
occurs much less often now) he will ignore it and then later she will apologize
for it. Lisa explained that originally, Jim was in the male dominance phase but
now he is in the equity phase.
With
this one, I find it really hard to believe that a man who has been continuously
physically abusive can just shut that off and do better. I don’t think that is
something for the wife to just ignore. That is serious and unjustifiable in my
book. I think Dr. Laura has a lot of nerve putting a story like this in her
book. I feel like she is almost justifying his abusive behavior because he
eventually fixed it.
6) You’re
the Genius!...No, Honey, YOU’RE the Genius!
Dr. Laura says that it is important to remember that you are
not always going to agree with your partner. You two will have different ideas
and opinions on things in life. Instead of fighting their perspective, and
trying to prove why they are wrong, you should attempt to find good in it.
In
the lecture notes, this idea is discussed. The wife wants to know what he
thinks about things, and he needs to have a friendly way to say his opinion,
without her feeling attacked or unheard. Dr. Laura brings up a good point, that
you need to make sure the focus is on the problem at hand, and that it is not
personal. Bringing up past mistakes in a current issue does not resolve anything
or improve anything. It is taking giant steps backwards in regards to progress.
I
think Dr. Laura is on to something here. It is so easy to take current issues
and make them personal and compare them to other issues you disagree on, etc.
It is easy to forget the task at hand when you get so wrapped up in trying to
prove the other person wrong.
7) Nicer
to Strangers
I
find this part to be very true. Dr. Laura talks about how we tend to be far
nicer, more sensitive to strangers than we are to those who we love. This is
probably because we know we can push the limits with our loved ones. We know we
can get away with much more with them without fearing rejection from them. It
seems to be about taking love for granted, because we feel we can.
Dr.
Laura says this is clearly not the right way to go about it. You should treat
your husband or wife with more respect and love than you do strangers because
you have a commitment to them, and they to you. They are committed to loving
all there is to you, including your flaws. Instead of taking this for granted
and thinking it is gives you free range to treat them however you please, you
should appreciate that they are willing to tolerate you at your worst, because
a stranger would not.
I
definitely see myself doing this, and often. I never really thought about it
before reading this but I think Dr. Laura definitely has a point. I don’t think
we should stop how we are treating strangers, but I think we should most
definitely reexamine how we treat out loved ones.
8) It
Is a Far Greater Blessing to Give than Receive
Dr.
Laura points out in this section that when we have stressful days or are upset,
we tend to just expect and feel we need attention. The one big problem we all
have is that we don’t verbalize this, or if we do get some TLC, we criticize or
refuse it and allow ourselves to continue to feel bad.
Dr.
Laura says that when we feel this way, when our day has been stressful or
upsetting, instead of expecting attention, we should instead turn our attention
to our spouse. Her suggestions include getting a little gift for your spouse,
writing them a cute note, running an errand for them, etc. She believes this
will in turn, boost our mood. Her last suggestion is that if you still feel
bad, to ask for some attention but in a clear and respectful way.
I
am a bit on the fence about this one. I do think that sometimes, when you’re in
a bad mood the quickest way to get in a better one is to do something nice for
someone else. This does not always work, however. Sometimes when you do this
and the response from that person is not what you were hoping for, you end up
feeling worse off than before. I think Dr. Laura is on the right track with
this idea though.
9) Forget
Rewriting History
I think this is one of the most important things for anyone to
understand in relationships. Healing takes time! Dr. Laura says that people
waste so much time on the past and resenting their spouse that they can never
move on.
It
is important to keep in mind that, things aren’t going to happen overnight.
That people need time to repair themselves and to repair trust. Dr. Laura makes
a very good point, she says “you can’t take the temperature of a marriage every
five minutes in order for you to feel safe, while forcing your spouse to feel
something they’re not up to yet”.
Dr.
Laura says when you’ve messed up, the best thing you can do is “DO THE RIGHT
THING FROM THIS POINT ON…and pray for the best”. I couldn’t have said it better
myself. I think with this point, Dr. Laura is dead on. It is the hardest thing
for us to remember but the only thing that can mend a broken heart or broken
trust is time, it is the slowest, but most effective method.
10) Kings
and Queens
In this section, Dr. Laura talks about a
listener that wrote in, Tracy. Tracy had been married for ten years and said
that although she was not unhappy in her marriage, she was definitely not happy
either. She said she went to her grandma’s one week to think about things. Her
grandma gave her this advice, ‘treat him like a king and he will treat you like
a queen’. She said that they have now been married twenty three years and she’s
very happy now.
Dr. Laura claims that if you married a
good person, that they will return the favor. I think this idea is a bit
simplistic. I understand the golden rule, treat others as you want to be
treated, but I feel like there is a bit more to it that just that.
Lazy
Husband
Chapter
6 “It’s a Personality Thing” pages 112-149
Joshua
Coleman
By: Caitlin Botelho
Sumiyo Ishikawa said that according to Joshua
Coleman, a key part of creating change in relationships is through
understanding how your partner’s (and your own) personality affects your
marriage. She talked about the different types of common personality
types in marriage as defined by Joshua Coleman: The Boy-Husband, The Worried
Wife, The Worried Husband, The Perfectionistic Wife,
The Perfectionistic Husband, The Angry Husband, and
the Angry Wife.
The
Boy Husband
Joshua Coleman uses the example of Bob to
explain the Boy-Husband. Bob grew up with depressed parents who were
uninvolved in his life. While working as a salesman Bob met his wife
Lana. Bob was incapable of conducting an adult like and Lana constantly
felt like she was taking care of a child. She had to wake him up in the
morning for work otherwise she worried he would get fired if she didn’t.
Joshua Coleman says Lana needs to detach herself from the feeling of
being responsible for him and gain an understanding for why she feels so
responsible. I quote Joshua Coleman “A dependent husband can only
continue his dependence if he’s being supported by his husband.” Once a
woman decides she will not support her husband, he will have to learn how to do
things on his own. Lana had to decide on a way to talk to Bob that would
not make him feel like he was being judged. Finally, she had to ask
herself if part of her liked the fact that Bob depended on her so much. A
good thing to note is that if change is going to happen in your spouse, it will
not be overnight, but very gradual.
The
Worried Wife
Joshua Coleman refers to a woman named Liya who refused to get a baby sitter for her children because
she had heard so many horror stories about child abuse/abductions.
Coleman says that “being a worrier can cause your husband to tune you out.”
In order to overcome this worry, Liya needed to
start pushing back against it in small steps. After a year of working at
this, Liya was able to spend more and more time away
from her children without worrying. After a year of “practice,” Liya was able to spend the weekend away from her kids
without being terrified or guilt-ridden.
The
Worried Husband
The worried husband is just like the
worried wife, but he worries that something terrible will happen to his wife
and children. The example in the book is a man named Mark. From the
time Mark was a young boy, his parents put the burden of adult responsibilities
on him; asking him for advice, worrying about paying the rent and treating him
as if he was much older. In the beginning of his marriage, his wife found
this constant worry as a sign of care, but as their children got older she felt
weighed down by his constant worrying and inability to relax. Joshua
Coleman gives a list of things you can do if you are in a relationship with
someone like this: don’t criticize him for his worry, tease him if he’ll let
you (if he has a good sense of humor), don’t allow his worries to rule the
roost (household), and if his worries are extremely bad, have him talk to a
doctor about being evaluated.
The
Perfectionist Wife and Husband
Perfectionists often hold themselves at a
high standard. Frequently, perfectionists come from families where
nothing they did was ever good enough. The problem with being a
perfectionist in a marriage is that you may feel like your husband is holding
you at this hard to reach standard. A study done by Michelle Haring and
Paul Hewitt found that wives who had perfectionist expectations of their
husbands did not enjoy their marriage as much as wives with moderate
expectations. If you are the wife of a perfectionist husband you may
constantly feel controlled, dominated, or blamed; this can cause women to feel
anxious, guilty, or depressed.
The
Angry Husband
An angry husband may treat his wife very
bad; he may be controlling, domineering, and make his wife feel belittled.
He may also limit the time you spend away from him; time with friends or
family members. Also, he may sexually blackmail his wife; use
intimidation to get his wife to be sexual with him. Joshua Coleman says
that “…some of the happiest marriages are those where couples fight.
However, for every fight, these couples have at least five positive
exchanges afterward.” If the relationship is mostly made up of fights and
not enough positive exchanges, this is not a happy marriage. In order to
get your husband to behave, you need to get strong enough to insist that he
treat you better.
The
Angry Wife
The angry wife is the complete opposite of
the angry husband. Women that are angry tend to make their husbands feel
belittled, resentful, and resistant to change. A common mind-frame from
conflict-ridden children is “better to hurt them than to let them hurt you.”
It is impossible to change through anger…instead change to make the other
person happy. People in distressed marriages underestimate the amount of
work their partners do by about 50 percent.
Personal Opinion
Sometimes I feel as if my fiancé is more a
boy-husband than anything else. Every since he was younger he always had
a hard time waking up to go to school or work. He loves to sleep
in. I feel just like Lana because I set my alarm and wake him up in the
morning, make sure he gets ready, and leaves on time. If I do not do this
he will not look good at work and he may get fired. This is very
detrimental for us because he is the only one working right now to support me
and our daughter. I’m trying to follow the steps that Joshua Coleman gave
in the chapter to change his ways. Now I am not perfect by far…I consider
myself the Worried Wife (sometimes). I also relate to Liya
because I am very paranoid about sending my daughter to a baby-sitter. I
always told people that I will never trust her to be with someone that I do not
know personally. My daughter means the world to me and I would rather
stay home with her (and have no life) than have something happen to her under
someone else’s watch.
Section 3: Team
Presentation on Exercises
Exercise 8.1
(a)
Summarize
the main ideas presented by the team.
The exercise team discussed Dr. Laura’s
view on gender, how women must dress
and act sexy to appeal to their men’s wishes and sexual blackmail. The bottom
line is that the team disagreed with Dr. Laura’s thoughts that women should
cater to men’s requests. They described that thought as being a double edged
sword; women should not be the only ones that are to “improve” themselves in
the relationship; men should place effort and emphasis into their appearance
and attitude in order to make women feel happy as well. There is more than one
person in the relationship and many couples do not realize this.
(b) Describe what
they did and how they interpreted it.
Chloe Yogi discussed how Dr. Laura proposes that women should keep up with their
appearance by keeping in shape, keeping her hair and makeup in style, having
nice clothes- anything that will make her man happy. She should greet her
husband at the door welcoming him into a quiet and clean home, taking his coat
with a warm smile. Male Dominance radiates from Dr. Laura as she addresses her
gender views, women are just barbies- everything should be perfect, tidy and to
his liking, without expecting the same outcome as men. Chloe stated that she
did not aggree with Dr. Laura on this view that the woman should be well kept
while she makes no statement on the man keeping himself well and trim, which is
consistant with the Male Dominance point of view.
Chloe was upfront upon her disagreement with Dr. Laura
stating that she felt that there was a double standard in Dr. Laura’s views
upon men and women. Men should equally keep their style and self upto date to
please their woman, to make her feel as though her husband hasn’t given up
after their honeymoon is over. What is more disappointing than a person
involved in a relationship who does not wish to pamper themselves to make
themselves and their partner look good.
Tracey Nieto introduced the topic of marriages regarding Dr. Laura’s youtube
interview. She quoted an AOL poll that was conducted which asked: “Would you
marry your huband again?” 44% of woman said Yes, 36% said I Don’t Know, 20%
said No. Dr. Laura said that women who are unhappy in their marriages are bad
wives because, they keep secrets from their husbands which allows questions and
uncertainty to provoke husbands thoughts.
Women are also considered by Dr. Laura to be bad wives if they do not
pamper their husbands and routinely thank them for the hard work that they have
done to support their family.
Dr. Laura stated that marriages are in trouble because people
put themselves before their partners. They do not ask themselves what they
could do to brighten their partners day, they think what can he or she do to
brighten my day. In Dr. Laura’s opinion, women should shut up and just do what
men want to make their marriage work, but this is just repressing women’s
thoughts and values, having to put up with men without taking care of their
needs first. Tracey addressed her disapprovement with Dr. Laura. Tracey
exclaimed that Dr Laura is a woman, so she questioned Dr. Lauras intentions of
staying on a male perspective; does she do so to make men feel that they are in
power over women, or does she truly think that women should serve and honor
their partners? Why do women have to routinely address their thankfulness to
men, where are their hugs and kisses for cleaning the house or taking care of
the children all day?
Nicole Salviejo explained Dr. Lauras view on the idea that
women should cater to mens needs, giving him whatever he asks for without
hesitation; meaning sex. It is the womans “job” in her view to grant him this
need whenever he wants, because he works hard all day and he deserves to have
sex . This thought can lead to sexual blackmail if the woman disagrees and does
not give or act like she wants to have sex with her man. He may act “coldly”
towards her, by leaving the room and not asking her how her day was or helping
her prepare dinner. Women might see this
act by men and turn their attitude around so that she acts like she wants to
have sex to not escalate the situation into a fight or bad feelings. This will
strengthen mens ego by having her crawl to him and fulfill his wants.
Men
partake in sexual blackmail, being cold to the woman, disregarding her feelings
and just keeping silent while she is still taking. When this occurs many women
jump up and try to resolve the situation-believeing that it is their fault that
men are now ignoring them. Men’s cold attitude should not be regarded with
sympathy from the woman. Nicole discussed that Sexual Blackmail depicts women
as being sex dolls: they have no brains, just figures posed to do whatever he
wants. Her sympathy and attention to the man influences and encourages his
behavior. Women should be able to stand up and put their foot down if they do
not want to partake in that act. It is important for men to realize this is a
hurtful strategy and that no relationship should be subjected to this
treatment.
(c) Describe some of
the ideas that needed a better justification or greater amplification.
Some ideas that I
felt needed to be discussed in greater detail were what men could do to make
women feel appreciated. The group presented clear ideas that the men could put
down their work and take notice in their wife when they enter the room, but I still
feel that women are still being subjected to jump up and run to their husbands,
while men can take their time. Dr. Laura emphasizes a Male Dominance
relationship, I would like to see her discuss what a couple could do together
to make each other happy, instead of “What can I do to brighten my husbands
day?” I would like to see her engage in a discussion about equity relationships
to place emphasis on both members of the couple working hard to help please one
another.
(d) What was the
success of the approach they used?
The team was successful in reporting Dr.
Laura’s views on gender. They held a positive bias while reading Section 8
Lecture Notes and disclosed their opinions until they had finished reading
their sections. Their presentation was well; they introduced Dr. Laura’s views
first, explaining everything that was to be said about her thoughts before
diving into their objections of Dr. Laura. I enjoyed hearing each group
member’s personal accounts of their opinions as they introduced their topics.
Expressing ones thoughts is a great way to connect and create a rapport with
the audience; to let them know that you are able to hold your own feelings
which are not influenced by anyone else.
(e) What improvements are needed in the procedures or in the instructions?
There are no real improvements that are
needed to be conducted in these procedures. My group members and I were able to
clearly follow along with what was being asked of us. I followed the positive
bias and read the lecture notes and instructions before I let any conflicting
thoughts enter my head. The procedures and instructions are very clear, very
well written and precise. I understood completely what was being asked of me
and I did not have trouble concluding my opinions and thoughts in relation to
this project.
(f) What are the limitations of these types of exercises?
The limitations that are present in these
exercises are that Dr. Laura does not go through life with a positive bias. She
has her own bias against women apparently, which I do not understand since she
is one!! She should be enlightened into
this course, and learn how great it is to be apart of a marriage that is equal.
In our case, there are no limitations for these exercises in this course. We do
hold a positive bias as we integrate the lecture notes into lecture and
exercises and it allows us to ponder and think of how it relates to our own
lives. I enjoy open ended exercises which allow one to be able to think
critically and in depth of what the question is really trying to have us get
at.
The group was able to take these questions
and exercises and make it their own, able to elaborate their perceptions,
giving us a chance to be able to take a quick peek into what they think and how
they feel of the material that they are presenting. It is very interesting to
see if the presenters hold the same views that I hold, and if not, it is
important to be able to obtain a positive bias and respect others opinions.
(g) Describe what happened when you did some of the steps of the exercises.
After watching her youtube
clip, I felt very strongly that Dr. Laura was centered on the Male Dominance
perspective of marriage. She explains that men and women should put their
relationship first before themselves to nurture their marriage. I disagree, I
feel that you must put yourself before others; you need to love and take care
of yourself before you can love and take care of someone else. This is because, if you are feeling down and
not happy, how would you have the patience and energy to cheer someone else up?
Dr. Laura descried a couple rolling over and greeting each other in bed in the
morning: she explained that the couple should tell themselves “What can I do
today to make this person happy, and love life?” I feel that this is too idealistic; it is
putting the woman in a situation that she should follow the man’s wishes,
blatantly addressing what the woman should do, while not what the man should
do.
When she was pressed by the interviewer Dr.
Laura did suggest things that men could do, such as coming up to the woman and
touching her hair and giving her compliments. In my opinion, I think that is
far fetched- most men would not take the effort to compliment their woman, let
alone touch her in a warm way, because it should be “known” by the woman that
he cares about her, without him having to say so. I feel that woman, including
me, have tried to address men’s wishes; to do what they want or else they their
relationship would fail, since she is not making him feel like a king, like a
real man. This is really sad. Why should women feel that they must pamper her
man, give him sex whenever he wants, dress up sexy, have the home in order,
while she may have a full plate of school or work as well as kids, while he
works or goes to school as well. It is a double standard that says women should
do this extra step to fulfill his needs while she may have the same or even more
work to do.
As I mentioned, I have fallen into that
trap of Male Dominance. In my prior relationship I felt as if I had to dress
nice when we went out; including having my hair done, perfect makeup, dressing
sexy with heels, while he just wore regular pants and a t-shirt. He told me
that he wanted me to dress that way because I was “his.” I did this because I
felt that he would not love me anymore and I felt that I would lose him if I
did not follow what he wanted. This was a trap that I was involved in. I
realized that women should dress and act as they want regardless if men agree
with them or not. In true relationships, the men should love the woman for who
she is, if she decides one day that she just wants to wear sweats and not have
her hair done, he should realize that she does not have to dress nicely all the
time, she should dress as she wants to be comfortable. He should appreciate all
of the things she does for him, the little things that make all the difference.
When
I asked my friends what they felt of Dr. Laura, both men and women agreed with
me. I told them to hold a positive bias as I explained to them Dr. Laura’s
views, so that they would not make judgments until they heard all of the
descriptions. My girlfriend and guy friend both felt that men do hold this view
point, that they can control their woman to act in a certain way to his liking,
and if she does not, he would become emotionally distant which is the ultimate
disgrace for woman. They felt that there should be a reciprocal balance; men
should be able to help out as well, tidying the home and helping with parenting
while the woman relaxes and has a beer, not only requesting the women to be at
his beck and call every moment of every day.
Section 4: Annotated Web
Links
1) Ten
Commandments for Husbands and Wives
http://www.bible.ca/f-10commandments-husbands-wives.htm
This website gives Ten Commandments
that both husbands and wives need to follow. I think Commandments 1, 3,
4, 6, 7, and 8 for the husbands reflect the unity model of marriage very
well. However, Commandments 6, 8, and 9 for the wives reflect the male
dominance phase of marriage.
2)
Dr. Joshua Coleman’s Blog
http://drjoshuacoleman.com/blog/?p=3
Dr. Joshua Coleman, author of The Lazy
Husband, has his readers write in with questions or comments about topics
relating to his book(s). Some of the topics discussed revolve around
housework, chores, money, and parenting
differences.
3) The
Husband is the Head of Wife?
http://www.orthodoxresearchinstitute.org/articles/family/george_khodr_husband_wife.htm
This article discuss about the
questions about “Is the husband the head of wife?” This question relates to the
model of male dominance in which the husband is the one who controls everything
in the family.
4)
Discourses of Opposition to Marriage Equality
http://www.aaanet.org/press/an/0406if-comm5.htm
This article discuss about the
equality between men and women and their role in marriage. They said that the
society has been struggle with equality between sexes.
5)
How to
Attract and Create a Lasting Relationship With the Kind of Person You Have
Always Wanted
This article presents several tips
for couples who would like to strengthen relationships with the one that they
love. It is important to be a good listener and always stay positive when
talking with your partner.
6)
Making Marriage Work
http://www.lovegevity.com/marriage/expertadvice/makingmarriagework.html
This article provides 7 steps in
recommendation to help make marriages work. They give examples of how happy and
successful couples cope with problems and work to resolve their differences.
7) Men,
Women, and Gender Roles in Marriage
http://www.xenos.org/books/mythmw.htm
This article speaks of relationships
and their role with God. Spiritually insightful helpful hints are given to
couples to work together and be happy with one another under God’s Will.
This is a great example of a Male Dominance fueled relationship, and the
positive steps that the woman makes in order to reach equity to have her
husband understand her. She resists sexual blackmail and cold hearted
resistance.
“A wife who submits to her husband is free to suggest directions or to question
and challenge his direction. She is obligated to point out when she believes he
is violating God's will. But she would turn away from self-willed resistance or
manipulation.”
8) Steps to Healing a Marriage
http://www.leaderu.com/offices/stoll/marriage.html
This is a website that talks about steps
you can take when you are attempting to heal your marriage after trust is
broken.
9) Evaluate Your Marriage
http://www.maritalhealing.com/conflicts/evalselfgiving.php
This is a site where you can fill out
different check lists, etc to evaluate your marriage. There is a self giving
section, narcissism and mistrust checklists, anger inventories, etc.
10) Trust and Marriage
http://www.crosswalk.com/marriage/11568594/
This website discusses the importance of
trust in a marriage. It also discusses how deception is the biggest destroyer
of trust and how to rebuild it.
Back to Class Home Page Back to My Home Page