To Love Her is to Conjoin with Her
Report 2
By: Xuying Zhang
Co
Authors: Praew O’connell, Sumiyo Ishikawa
Psy 409b, Spring 2008, Generation 27
Dr. Leon James, Instructor, University of Hawaii
Section 1
Lecture Notes
By: Xuying Zhang
3. Three
Levels of Unity in the Marriage Relationship
Click Here
for Lecture Notes
In this lecture, we focused on how men and women are different from inside and how to overcome difficulties to reach the unity of marriage.
In today’s society, boys are brought up to put girls down, and not respect them. When they grow up, their attitude toward women sometimes turn them into physical or/and mental abusers. Men can only reach his true self by unite with his women who were made for him by God. He has to practice self-witnessing in order to reach the unity of marriage. By self-witness means you must monitor what your mental organs are doing: your feelings (A-Affective), Thoughts (C-Cognitive) and sensations and actions (S- Sensorimotor).
There are TWO steps of reaching his true
self:
1. With her external will (A) joined to his external understanding (C) (natural environment);
2. with her internal will (A) joined to his internal understanding (C) (spiritual environment)
Before
the conjoint self is born, his understanding is joined to his own will, but
after the conjoint self is born (Step 1), his understanding is joined to her
will (no longer to his own will).
There
are THREE levels of conjunction relationship.
The first level
The
initial or first level of conjunction between married partners involves the sensorimotor portion of their threefold self. For example, couples like to share their
interests with each other, like dancing, watching movies, etc. These external actions
involve sensory and motor interactions, including verbal, which is an overt
motor activity. Couple must have unity
with their inner and exterior selves, because if they do NOT, the inner self
will constantly be in opposition, and the couple will eventually disagree with
each other and conflicts may take place in the relationship.
The second level
The Second level of conjunction- it’s deeper more intimate and involves the cognitive self of both partners. A couple’s attitudes, judgments, and beliefs should not contradictory to each other both inner self and exterior actions.
For the unity couple:
Mental intimacy = agreement
Disagreement = lack of mental intimacy
It’s always easier for women to achieve the cognitive conjunction because that’s women’s second nature. On the other hand, men usually see the conjoint self as giving up selfhood which is not true. So they automatically resist this cognitive conjunction. They want to be able to take control of his woman and his household. Men have to give up this attitude in order for them to reach cognitive conjunction.
The third level
The third level of conjunction involves the partners' affective self -- their feelings, motivations, and goals of happiness and togetherness.
Affective conjunction is the basis of the inmost level of intimacy between husband and wife, or of boyfriend and girlfriend, when they are thinking of themselves as a permanent couple.
Affective conjunction is weakened if one partner reserves an area of their mind or involvement that excludes the other partner. The wife or girlfriend should not be excluded from the man’s life. For example, when a husband or boyfriend hanging out with his male friends, if he doesn’t want the wife or girlfriend to come, this means he is excluding her from getting involved in his life. And this is not affective conjunction.
The Three Phases in Marriage
The
Male Dominance phase:
NO
Affective Conjunction; NO Cognitive Conjunction; Sensorimotor
Conjunction
The
Equity phase:
NO
Affective Conjunction; Cognitive Conjunction; Sensorimotor
Conjunction
The
Unity phase:
Affective
Conjunction; Cognitive Conjunction; Sensorimotor
Conjunction
Unity Through Reciprocity and
Differentiation
There are three principles in the unity model of “Conjugial love” which described by Emanuel Swedenborg. They are differentiation, reciprocity, and Eternity.
By definition differentiation means no spiritual or mental part of a woman is like any part of a man and vice versa. Reciprocity means the perfection of unity in marriage increases with the diversity of its composing elements when integrated into a conjoint self. For example: a screw and a screw driver. They have different forms, and because of their particular way of different which makes them work together reciprocally. The same principle also applies to interactions between partners. A perfect example would be a dancing couple. If the women step on the right foot, then the men has to step back his left foot, otherwise, they will definitely fall. Unity by definition means the unity marriage relationship is eternal, continuing in the afterlife of heaven.
In the sensorimotor domain of gender interactions, women and men act together to form a unit through differentiation and reciprocity of physical form or shape. Symbolic representation would be Yin/Yang emblem.
Nothing of the male mind can be like anything of the female mind or else they could not conjoin into a perfect unity. When a woman falls in love, she felt compelled by her love for him to conjoin his attitude, humor, and style of thing to her thinking. But this feeling doesn’t come naturally for man. Men tend to spontaneously resist the process of unification. For men to achieve the unity of marriage, they have to give up their cognitive and affective independence. They have to transform their independence to interdependence. Even when a couple apart physically, each partner has to act and think as if the other are present. To achieve this unity of marriage, the husband has to learn his wife’s preferences in all things.
Personal Reflection
I was born and raised in a very
typical male dominance family and society (
By: Praew O’connell
Chapter 3: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (p.85-104)
At the beginning of this chapter, Dr. Laura discussed about many people complain that marriage is not what they expect. She listed the 3 questions to both men and women concerning whether or not marriage truly has anything to offer them.
1) What was your biggest surprise to learn about marriage?
2) In what way(s) has marriage made you a better person?
3) What are the benefits of being marriage vs. single?
1) What was your biggest surprise to learn about
marriage?
The most common answer Dr. Laura got from her listeners had to do with everyday not being full of happiness or excited and it takes works to stay committed. One of her caller, Jake, he said that he has an affair because “ their closeness was unreveling”. Dr. Laura replied that the excitement could not come out on it own. They have to create it. The key of success is to give and give more and then the reward would come on it own.
2) In what way(s) has marriage made you a better person?
The most common has to do with 1) learning not to be selfish, self-centered 2) a man and women complement each other and become on. Dr. Laura gave examples from the 3 letters written by wives talking about their husbands. They said that they were proud to be a maiden for their shiny armor knight husbands. They were glad to serve him by taking care of housework and children while their husband were out there working hard for them
These responses seem to fit with male dominance model because these wives see their husband as a main provider. Although they sound like they were happy but somehow I agree with Dr. Laura’s opinion at the end when she said, “Do those women really sound oppressed or depressed? (p.94)
3) What are the benefits of being marriage vs. single?
The overall answers were positive and fulfilling. Dr. Laura said that married life has both up and down. If you think negative, you feel negative but if you think positive, you feel happier and become more patient and compassionate about life, love and marriage.
1) What was your biggest surprise to learn about
marriage?
Dr. Laura compares the answer between men and women. Women require more communication and to be pleased. When their husband cannot please them, they feel insecurity. For men, they try to please women and communicate simple facts.
2) In what way(s) has marriage made you a better person?
Research studies has demonstrates that marriage improve men’s life in every ways because they have to settle down and do less risky behavior. Also, they become better men when their wives treat them well.
3) What are the benefits of being marriage vs. single?
The most common answer from men was fulfilling of their lives after they married. It was good to have someone who loves them and care to share life together.
Dr. Laura concluded that marriage fails when both partners turn away from each other when things get taught. She reminded her callers their vows concerning for better or worse. I agree with Dr. Laura that every relationship has up and down side. Everything is not going to be perfect and smooth all the time. When 2 people live and share their lives together, they have to try to work things out together. These things can also apply not to only married couples but any types of relationship can fail if they can turn away from each other when they have problems.
Chapter 3:
Gender Differences in Conversational Coherence
In this chapter, Tannen reports a study in gender differences in conversational coherence. She conducted experiments by using both genders across four ages group from second grades to adults. There are two elements of emergent coherence in conversation; physical alignment and topical cohesion.
1. Physical Alignment
In the experiment, they watch the video of pair speakers with the sound turn off because they want to observe only body postures, movements, and eye gaze during conversation.
Grade two For boys, they look at each other occasionally and do not really sit still. Their eyes are wondering around the room and mug the video camera. For girls, they sit closer to each other and they grace at each other more directly. They also do not move around like boys.
Grade six For boys, they do not move around that much same as second grade boys but they still follow similar pattern. They hardly look at each other when talk. For girls, they sit face each other and closer than boys. They also change position less often.
Grade ten For boys, they become more relatively still than younger boys. They are less in changing position and posture. However, they still rarely look at each other in the eyes. For girls, they are similar with six grader girls.
Twenty-five-year-old For men, they face each other same as ten grade boys. They look at their partners when one talk but not for extended time. For women, both of them maintain steady and rarely broken eyes contact throughout conversation.
Discussion: are males disengaged?
There are similar pattern from across all age groups. Male and female show difference in physical alignment when engage in conversation. Male do not look directly at their partners but female are closer and more eye contact. Tannen concluded that although make do not look at each other directly does not mean they are disengaged in conversation. However, it could involve with cultures and norms. In some cultures, looking at each other directly is rude. Also, it could that men do not support to get closer and look at each other directly when they talk according to masculine trait. Women are more physically still and direct proximity.
2. Topical Cohesion
Grade two For boys, they feel uncomfortable when the experimenter tell them to find something to talk. They do not really know what to talk about. They look at things around the room to find something that they can talk about it or make noise. They also jump from topic to topic. For girls, they agree with each other first about the topic and then they stick to that topic. They do not jump from topic to topic like boys.
Grade six For boys, in 20-minutes conversation, they touched on 55 topics. They talk about variety of topics and do not stick to one topic for a long time. They do not agree on the topic and they just say whatever comes in their minds. Also, they do not really talk about interpersonal relationship. For girls, they talk more stories. They talk about emotion and intimacy in the family and their friendship.
Grade ten For boys, although they do not look at each other, unlike younger boys they do not use topic from around the room. They talk at length on each topic. Their friendship alliances are the main concern. They have more concern in their own topic than their partner by down playing his problem. For girls, they are more concern at each personal problem. Tannen found the most frequent verb they use in conversation are “go” and “be + like” and follow ed by not so much what someone said but what someone was feeling likes.
Twenty-five-year-old For men, they have difficult time finding topic to talk and they are no longer giggling or joking around like younger boys. They talk about marriage but not in personal ways. They focus more theoretical way. Although, they talk about some personal topic, these are kept in fairly abstract. They also talk in slow pace. For women, their topics cover more on their personal life and relationship.
After looking at the reports from the generations 26 for the unity model of marriage. There are some similarity and differences between generation 26 and 27. I pick on topic disjunctive vs. conjunctive because it seems interesting and we also have to learn it class soon.
Reports
From Generation 26 (Spring 2007)
This ennead chart ("ennead" = nine), shows that there are
nine succeeding stages or steps for achieving unity in marriage. The nine
phases are marked in the intersecting cells. This basic ennead chart clearly
shows you that the unity model (cells 7, 8, 9) cannot be reached without first
going through the dominance (cells 1, 2, 3) and equity
phases (cells 4, 5, 6). You need to remember this. A couple's interactions can
occur in any of the nine zones, depending on the situation.
|
PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
EQUITY |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
1 |
2 |
3 |
(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
Discussion between the movie Prime and 50 First Dates and relation to the
Ennead Chart
After reading several reports, it can conclude that Prime can be categorized as male dominance phase and 50 First dates is in Unity phase. In the movie Prime, the age differences are the main problem between couples. Raphael is 37-years-old driven profession and recently divorce. Dave is 23-year-old. The couple in Prime struggles in dominance phase because they are different in so many ways. Raphael is older and more mature than Dave. There were a lot of times they cannot compromise with each other. It is hard for them to move up to the higher layer because both of them have difference perspective. Raphael is older so she wants to have committed relationship but Dave is still young so he wants to more fun although he really loves her. Therefore, they are pretty much stuck in cognitive lever of dominance phase (zone 2).
In the movie “50 First Dates”, Harry works at the sea life park and frowns on commitment until he met Lucy. Lucy is involved in a car accident and now has short-term memory loss. After she fall asleep each night, when she wake up she can’t remember anything about the day before. At the beginning it seems that their relationship is impossible because she will never remember Harry after each day. However, Harry comes back to her the day after to make her falling in love with him over again. Harry does not give on Lucy and he is falling deeply in with love her when the day gone although she cannot remember him. Their relationship is escalated so fast to the higher level of unity because they do not have time to dominance or equal their relationship.
Section 3. Team Exercise
on
By: Sumiyo Ishikawa
(a) Summarize the main ideas presented by the team.
3. Three levels of unity in the marriage relationship
The first level of conjunction : involves the sensorimotor self between married partner.
There focus on at this stage is on the external activity of the other and self and there is less focus on what the other is thinking or feeling. The cognitive and affective self of each partner my not be in agreement with the other and the may competitive or hostile each other. They want to retain their cognitive and affective independence.
The second level of conjunction : involves the cognitive self of two partners. This include how they how they think, how they reason, how they justify things, what they consider acceptable or unacceptable, what information or knowledge they have, and what philosophy of life and religious beliefs they officially sustain. These cognitive behaviors and habits tend to be more resistant to mutual adaptation for achieving reciprocity in the relationship. When they are both spiritually committed to the unity mode, they will find ways of agreeing with each other to complete cognitive intimacy.
The third level of conjunction : involves the partner’s affective self their feelings motivations, and goals of happiness and togetherness. The basis of the inmost level of intimacy is affective conjunction between husband and wife, when they are thinking of themselves as a permanent couple.
4. Unity thought reciprocity and differentiation
The first principle: Differentiation -- The threefold self of men and women are biologically and spiritually different.
The second principle: Reciprocity -- The diversity becomes unified through reciprocity by which the traits of a woman can harmonize or fit together with the trait of a man and vice versa.
The third principle: Eternity -- Marriage is a spiritual union of mind and spirit that is not just for this world – “till death do us part” but is eternal, since the spirit or mental self of a person is immortal.
(b) Describe what they did and how they interpreted
it.
I think that they picked up the key points such as the three phases in marriage and the conjoint self to explain the main points from the exercise 3.1. For example, there are three phase in marriage, the first level is dominance phase that involves sensorimotor conjunction, the second level is equity phase that involves cognitive conjunction, and the third level is unity phase that involves affective, cognitive, and sesorimotor conjunction. The conjoint self is a very important way to achieve the perfection of unity through differentiation and reciprocity in the unity model of marriage.
(c) Describe some of the ideas that needed a better
justification or greater amplification.
I think that they tried to explain the main points such as the three level of conjunction in the marriage relationship from the lecture notes, for theses
reasons, this presentation is good way to explain the ideas that human beings involve the three level of unity model. I would like to recommend that they can ask to not only boyfriends or girlfriends but also family and friends about the three level of unity in the relationship.
(d) What was the success of the approach they used?
I think that they presented the
main ideas to explain the three level of unity in the marriage relationship.
For example, they explained the dominance phase, the equity phase, and the
unity phase, and after they focused on the three phases in the marriage
relationship, they gave examples from their experience. For these processes, I
am impressed with their experience between boyfriends or girlfriends in their
life-style to influence of my mind.
(e) What improvements are needed in the procedures or
in the instructions?
I think that we needed to ask
questions about the main points from the exercise to participate each other
after they made a presentation. For example, after presenters make a speech,
listeners ask a question to be able to be reciprocal in the class. Throughout
the presentation, I think that their presentation was great explanation because
they organized the lecture contents to present the three levels of unity in the
marriage relationship.
(f) What are the limitations of these types of
exercises?
I think that some exercises are good ways to share the different ideas from personal experience and some exercises are very important ways to understand the main points from the lecture notes. Throughout these types of exercise, although I think that there are limitations to make a own opinion, the presentation is very important ways to share a piece of information and different opinions, to understand the lecture material, and to interact with each other.
(g) Describe what happened when you did some of the
steps of the exercises.
I think that the exercise is very
help ways to think about what the main ideas want to give a message for us in
the lecture notes. When I try to find out an answer, I focus on the key wards
from the questions in order to understand the lecture contents. This time, I
tried to think back to the old days in my life experience to be able to relate
with the main ideas and tried to ask about the marriage relationship to my
parents and friends. In the lecture notes, I learned that there are the three
levels of unity in the marriage relationship, the first level of conjunction
involves the sensorimotor self, the second level of
conjunction involves the cognitive self and the sensorimotor
self, and the third level of the conjunction involves the affective self, the
cognitive self, and the affective self. For these main ideas, when I tried to
react the some exercise, especially No.4 or No.5 are very useful ways to
understand the main points about the conjoint self in the unity model because I
realized that we involve the cognitive intimacy the second stage of the equity
phase and we involve the cognitive intimacy and the affective intimacy in the
unity phase. In addition, these exercises have an effect to relate with our
life experience and to influence of my life how to involve the metal intimacy
in order to achieve the unity phase of marriage for the future.
Section 4: Annotated Web Links
By: Xuying Zhang, Praew O’connell, Sumiyo Ishikawa
1. Mental and
Emotional Abuse
http://marriage.ygoy.com/mental-and-emotional-abuse/
This website gives readers basic ideas about mental and emotional abuse in a marriage. The different forms of mental abuse take place in a marriage and some tips to recover and end mental abuse.
2. The Delights of Wisdom Pertaining to
Conjugial Love by Emanuel Swedenborg
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/11248
If you want to read more about Emanuel Swedenborg’s conjugial love, this is the place you should click. You can even download this whole book or read it online.
3. Conjugial Love (
http://heavenlydoctrines.org/static/d6295/128.htm
This website gives you all the definitions of "conjugial love”, if you wish to understand more about conjugial love, click the link above.
4. Stressed
Out? Grab Hubby's Hand
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/22/AR2006122200338.html
If you are interested in this study, there is more information about this study. Just click the link above.
5. Mental
intimacy
http://www.safemenopausesolutions.com/intimacy-gender-differences.html
There are gender differences between women and men in mental intimacy. The second level of conjunction involves the cognitive self and the third level of conjunction involves the affective self in order to achieve the unity model of marriage relationship. This web site is useful ways to share and to understand the differences about the mental intimacy between men and women.
6. Marital
intimacy
http://www.allaboutgod.com/marital-intimacy.htm
Human beings involve the threefold self in the three level of unity in the marriage relationships; sensorimotor self, cognitive self, and affective self. Marital intimacy is the best ways to share, to understand, and to interact with each other. This web site is very essential ways to consider about the partners what you are doing, what you are thinking, and what you are feeling.
7. Unity in
marriage
http://www.cbn.com/family/marriage/Anderson_FeelLoved.aspx
The tree levels of unity in the marriage relationship achieve the conjoint self because of the sensorimotor, the cognitive, and the affective conjunction. Men and women are different ways to express the feeling of the emotion because of the difference mental anatomy. Women need to know what men are really thinking but men’s goal is to have her know every thing, or everything she wants to know. This web site is very peace ways to think what the partner’s wish for the unity in the marriage relationship.
8. Married
vs. Single (women perspective)
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/webmd/200711/relationships_single_b2.jhtml
While Dr. Laura tried to prove that being married could improve lives in many ways on both men and women, this article from Oprah web site show the different view of being married vs. single. In this article, the author said that single is better than married because being married bring so much trouble to our lives such divorce, widowed and so on. The article is on women perspective in which the author said that when you are single, you can do many in life and more freedom and also you do not have to depend on men to be happy.
9. Salary
Comparison: Married vs. Single
http://blogs.payscale.com/ask_dr_salary/2007/05/salary_comparis.html
This article is also about married vs. single but it only focus on salary. This article was written by Dr. Al Lee. He said that married increase your salary. The reason that the salary increase because you have more motivation on work harder and saving money for family because when you are single, you only respond for your own life but you are married, you have to think more about future.
10. Conversational
Coherence
http://www-rcf.usc.edu/~billmann/WMlinguistic/dcoherence.htm
Coherence is a kind of impression that arises (or not) in a person who attempts to understand particular language use. Conversational coherence has pattern, form, structure, and strategy. It also said that Conversationalists' goals must play a central role in any adequate explanation of discourse production and interpretation in conversations.
11. Conversation
and Cultures
http://www.culture-at-work.com/conversation.html
There is some difference between cultures in conversational style such element structuring and ending conversation. American conversational style is like a tennis match. They have to move quickly on someone else get your turn or think that you do not want to engage in conversation. In contrast, Japanese conversation is like bowling. Everybody watches respectfully and quietly and takes turns.