Three Perspectives on Marriage:
The
Trials and Tribulations of a Man, and His Willingness to Change for a Woman
Course:
Instructor:
Dr. Leon James: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/leon.html
Instructions for this Report: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy29/409b-g29-report.htm
Student Authors: Antonio
Ke‘ala Bale Jr.
Part I: The Three
Models of Marriage
To explain the objective of
this course and this report, one must first understand the process and
perspectives of the Unity Model of
Marriage. Emanuel Swedenborg developed this as his concept of marriage with
the positive bias in his writings on
Swedenborg’s Reports. The positive bias is to believe in an idea with an
open mind, yet this idea has no concrete evidence. They are
based on his observations, not on belief and religion. There are three
models, or phases, that a marriage or a relationship goes through. These three
models are dependent on the level of intellectual awareness and behaviors of
the husband (or the man in the relationship) towards his partner’s will;
her feelings, emotions, ideas, opinions etc. Theses domains of behavior are the
affective (A), Cognitive (c), and the Sensorimotor (S). These three elements
compose what we will call the Threefold Self. These three domains influence our
behavior and they act in synergy. There is no studying them individually. A
simple example: when you are cooking a meal, you are thinking of the recipe
(cognitive) and you are looking at what you are doing and how you are doing it
(Sensorimotor). You could not be thinking and looking at what you are if you
lacked the motivation (affective) to do so. The threefold self is involved in
every interaction and behavior that we experience. Table 1 shows how and what type of actions
a man possesses through the different marriage models.
Onward to the Unity Model,
starting from the bottom is the Male Dominance Model, followed by the Equity
Model, and lastly the Unity model, which resides at the very top. These models
depend on your Loves. These Loves determine where you end up in the
afterlife. The more negative or positive the things that you do will determine
which level in the afterlife you will attain. For example, if you live a life
of hurting people, doing drugs, and other bad things, you will fall further
down into the negative pit of the afterlife. It works vice-versa for those that
live the good lives.
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|
The
Male Dominance Model is the most basic form of a marriage. This model is also known as the traditional, natural marriage. The
focus is on the self; what one wants and how much one can achieve for
themselves in a relationship. The structure of this type of relationship has
been around for thousands of years. This model works because the husband
speaks for, and makes the decisions in the relationship. There is very little
or no input, care, or consideration of his partner’s ideas and
feelings. The wife is the submissive type and she is obedient to the husband
and the family. His actions are forced upon her. At
times, this model is emotionally abusive for the wife, as her emotions and
feelings are below that of her husbands. This model is what we see in physically
abusive relationships as well. |
|
The Equity Model is the second level model, and it is the most common or modern model form in natural marriages. This model illustrates the couple’s ability to negotiate consensual arrangement. It is rooted in the “equal rights” principles where the husband and wife come to a compromise with their issues. The man may or may not let himself become vulnerable to his wife’s emotions, limiting them to which he chooses fit, and sometimes reverting himself back to the Male Dominance model if he so chooses. The concept of marriage is “Till death do us part,” meaning that they are not unified as one being, and that they are set to be with other people after death. Morality, religions and the like are used in this category as an “agree to disagree” between the couple. The male feels that he is losing his autonomy, having to constantly battle his partner for equality rather than full domination. On the female’s perspective, she will defend herself with her wits and try to impose her feelings on a situation for the male to understand. This model can be seen as a stalemate; the constant struggles of the man trying not to give his full self to his partner. |
Resistance |
|
The Unity Model is the
model in which a relationship matures. It is the final and highest level of
intimacy for a couple. It is a spiritual marriage, one in which the
husband/man puts his wife/woman first. This type of relationship is known as a relationship being “Woman
Centered.” A husband chooses to act on his wife’s preferences,
rather than his own because it involves her input as well as her ability to
think emotionally. He will not make any rash decisions without considering
his wife’s feelings. The couple, in unity brings their being into one
“conjoint self” in eternity, which is the spiritual world. They
are no longer two separate people (as in both the male dominant and equity
models); rather they are unified as one person.
However, a couple can only achieve this model if they are duelists; they
believe that they are spiritually immortal, and that there is an afterlife.
Both the male and the female must believe that they can achieve true unity by
becoming a conjoined self and achieve a greater level of life. The conjoined
self can do things that others cannot do. You cannot achieve heaven as a
single person or with an external marriage. This is the level in which most
couples do not seem to achieve because it seems too much like a fairytale,
almost fantasy-like to perceive it in this reality. It is in the Celestial
heaven, the highest form of consciousness, that a
couple resides when they are in unity in the afterlife. A man can still be
dominant in certain areas of the relationship, only if he considers his
wife’s feelings, she agrees with him willingly, and he does not place
any selfish attitudes towards her. |
|
“True
Romance”With these things said, it is
odd to see the transformation of the unity model in a man when he is first
dating a woman to the point where his courtship actions are no longer a
necessity in his mind. When a man is first interested in a woman, he does his
best to listen and connect with her on an emotional and sometimes spiritual
level. As time progresses in the relationship, the man does not feel the need
to become so ‘unified’ with the woman because he feels as if he has
conquered her (as in the male dominance model). The act of courtship should be
continued throughout the relationship because it is at this level that the
couple connected and it is here that the couple needs to reside in order to
maintain a long and healthy, unity relationship.
Table 1:
The Levels of the Three Models of Marriage
|
|
Sensorimotor (External, physical) |
Cognitive (Internal, thoughts) |
Affective (Inmost, feelings and
desires) |
|
Unity (The spiritual
marriage, a focus on your partner) |
Tries to respect her by
not talking in unfriendly tones Tries never to interrupt
her Appears interested, as in
courtships |
Thinks that her views are
much more important than his own His views are influenced
by hers |
Loves and learns how to
become more woman centered in his mind and tries to adapt that type of mental
intimacy to match her |
|
Equity (Natural marriage, focus
on negotiations) |
Tries to talk/interrupt
her to defend himself Attempts and resists
‘giving-in’ to her with his arguments |
Considers his views to be
rational as opposed to hers Thinks that her views are
irrelevant |
Loves to and retains some areas of independence
for himself Incessant on resistance to her |
|
Male Dominance (Natural marriage,
focus on the self) |
Uses harsh vocal and body
language towards her Woman’s actions are
‘forced’ upon her |
Dismisses her views to
better suit his desires Thinks that his
intelligence is greater than hers |
Loves to be dominant in
the relationship and for her to be submissive Traditional views of
marriage are maintained through past societal expectations |
Part II: Help Yourself!
Literature on Different Marriage Perspectives
- Male Dominance Model : What’s more male dominant than a woman
siding with men? In Dr. Laura Schlessinger in her book, The Proper Care & Feeding of
Marriage takes on the male dominance perspective, and she advises that
women do the best that they can to please their husbands. Her book and her
radio show are popular with audiences whose relationships are troubled,
exposing both positive and negative approaches to the uniqueness of
masculinity and femininity. She usually deals with relationships that are
at the brink of disaster and relationships that are deadlocked. She makes
it a point to make sure that women understand that in order for a woman to
be happy in a relationship, she needs to work hard to make her man happy.
This excerpt is about Dr. Laura’s view on sex.
Good marital sex is when both are sensitive to the needs of the other. Sex is a
very important part of a marriage because it creates a physical and emotional
bond. As David, a listener, added: “Sex is like oil to
an engine. It can be the thing that helps to cool the friction and
stress that will naturally arise.” (Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The
Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage, page 129)
She states that good marital
sex is a necessity and is the glue to maintaining a close relationship. Sex
becomes the primary factor that causes emotional and physical bonds between
couples; the sensorimotor domain of behavior is the
key to a happy marriage. Interpreting David’s analogy that sex will
‘cool’ the friction is like saying that sex will make any and every
situation better. Sex is the magic deed can solve all of life’s
relationships problems.
The next excerpt is from a
letter written to Dr Laura
“My wife informed me earlier this year that she just
doesn’t have any interest in sex anymore (she is 36 and I am 40). I can’t remember a time of intimacy in the last 5 years
that she didn’t make me feel that she was ‘allowing’ me to
have ‘make it quick’ sex with her, and without making me feel
pathetic about the urge. Her refusal to do anything at all that she doesn’t ‘feel like’ doing has robbed me of
all the joy in my life, both in my marriage and motivation for work. It is
affecting my children in that they don’t get the chance to see love and
affection between their parents.”
“What
an amazing blessing it must be for men who have wives that actually contemplate
their husbands feelings and happiness and think about doing the simple things
that make a man feel like a man.
“I
am drudging through a day at a time, hoping that when my daughters are grown
and out, that I will still have the energy and desire to go out and find
someone who I might share my joy, achievements, and affection. That’s the
only hope for a man who will never spend a single day away from my girls as
they grow, and who has a wife that says, ‘get over it, you’re
married…go take care of yourself in the shower.’”
Frankly
I have been amazed at how blatant and cruel so many wives have become over the
issue of their marital intimacy. Women call me to complain about their
husband’s desire for them all the time. Complain! As if being desired
were some kind of intrusion or insult……(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage, page 130-131)
Dr. Laura is siding with the
fact that the woman is ungrateful for her husband’s desires for intimacy.
She slanders them with a list of excuses that a woman might have for the lack
of intimacy with their man. She does not take into consideration the
woman’s feelings and how emotionally connected the husband is to the
wife. The husband in this letter is thinking only about himself, on how much HE
is affected by his sexless marriage. He does not make
any mention to discover his wife’s feelings and the reasons for her
unmotivated sex drive. He even threatens to leave his marriage for another
woman that can satisfy his needs as soon as his children are grown. In
addition, Dr. Laura’s attitude is to tell the wife to ‘suck it up
and just do it.’ The lack of connection on the affective level (emotions)
is trivial because the man resides solely in the sensorimotor
level. It seems as if Dr. Laura is more of a man than a woman.
- Equity Model: Deborah Tannen is a professor of linguistics that studies the
ways that men and women communicate. Her book, You Just Don’t Understand dissects the way women and men
view conversations and how they answer questions.
She likes the concept that both men and women are right in their opinions
of intimate and societal relationships because they are hardwired
differently. This excerpt explains exactly how men and women differ.
Differences in how my husband and I approached the same
situation, which previously would have been mystifying, suddenly made sense. For
example, in a jazz club the waitress recommended the
crab cakes to me, and they turned out to be terrible. I was uncertain about
whether or not to send them back. When the waitress
came by and asked how the food was, I said that I didn’t really like the
crab cakes. She asked, “What’s wrong with them?” While
staring at the table, my husband answered, “They’re frozen! What do
you expect?” I looked directly up at her and said, “We just don’t
like them.” She said, “Well, if you don’t like them, I could
take them back and bring you something else.”
After she left with the crab cakes, my husband and I laughed
because we realized we had just automatically played out the scripts I had been
writing about. He had heard her question “What’s
wrong with them?” as a challenge that he had to match. He doesn’t like to fight, so he looked away, to soften
what he felt was an obligatory counterchallenge: he felt instinctively that he
had to come up with something wrong with the crab cakes to justify my
complaint. (He was fighting for me.) I had taken the question “What’s
wrong with them?” as a request for information. I instinctively sought a
way to be right without making her wrong. Perhaps it was because she was a
woman that she responded more favorably to my approach. (Deborah
Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand,
page 29)
Tannen communicates with the best
possible way not to sound so ‘bitchy.’ On the other hand, her husband
felt that he had to defend her and he has to have a concrete reason for his
answer. However, the husband does not assert himself too firm for his dislike
of the crab cakes because he doesn’t make eye
contact with the waitress. What he doesn’t realize
is that the waitress’s question of “What’s wrong with them?”
was merely a question about his wife’s dislike of them, but he
interpreted the question as what was the logical reason for them being bad.
Here is an example of a momentary gesture that led to
momentous frustration. Sandra was driving, and Maurice was sitting in the seat
beside her. When she had to brake suddenly, she did what her father had always done
if he had to stop suddenly, when Sandra was sitting beside him: At the moment she braked, she extended her right arm to
protect the person beside her form falling forward.
This gesture was mostly symbolic. Sandra’s right arm
was not strong enough to restrain Maurice. Perhaps its main function was simply
to alert him that she was stopping unexpectedly. In any case, the gesture had
become for her, as it was for her father, automatic, and it made her feel
competent and considerate. But it infuriated Maurice. The
explanation he gave was that she should keep both hands on the wheel for
reasons of safety. She knew she did not lose control of the car when she
extended her arm, so they never could settle this difference. Eventually she
trained herself to resist this impulse with Maurice to avoid a fight, but she
felt sadly constrained by what she saw as his irrational reaction.
Though Maurice explained his reaction in terms of safety, he
was actually responding to the framing implied by the gesture. He felt
belittled, treated like a child, because by extending her arm to break his
fall, Sandra was protecting him. In fact, Maurice was already feeling
uncomfortable about sitting passively while Sandra was driving, even though it
was her car. Many men and women who feel they have achieved equality in their
relationship find that whenever they get into a car together, she automatically
heads for the passenger seat and he for the driver’s; she drives only
when he is not there. (Deborah Tannen, You
Just Don’t Understand, pages 35-36)
Here is a classic example of
the equity model. Maurice feels the need to assert his dominance on Sandra because
of her framed behavior. He feels as if she is in control of the situation and
he is trying to gain that position by making her stop. Although it is logical
that Sandra’s efforts were futile in restraining Maurice, she felt the
need to protect what she cared for. This passage also states that Maurice is
not comfortable in the passenger seat of someone else’s car because he
feels the need to be in control. He combats her on the framing because it is
one more thing that he is not in control of. It is true that gender roles in a
car (the man driving and the woman as the passenger) are implied through social
conditioning, however, Maurice was not affectively
considering Sandra’s gesture. If Maurice were the driver, he would be in
control and feel the need to protect Sandra if he had to brake suddenly. He
resists the situation of and tries to retain some independence while in the
passenger seat.
- Unity Model: Barbara DeAngelis PhD is an expert on human relationships,
especially those dealing with men who have problems connecting to their
female counterparts. Her book, What
Women Want Men to Know is an astounding look at the tools and
techniques needed for a woman-centered relationship. She explains, in
detail, the reasons why women are the way they are and how beneficial this
information can be for their spouses. This passage is from her book and
deals with how men can be perfect lovers to their mates outside of the
bedroom.
No beauty treatment, no expensive outfit, no fancy jewels can
make a woman look as radiant as when she is feeling truly loved by the man in her
life. Nor can any of these things cover up the look of sadness, heartache and
emptiness a woman has when she is not feeling loved. (Barbara
DeAngelis, What Women Want Men to Know,
page 274)
In the unity model, the man
is on the spiritual level with the woman and he satisfies her on an
affectively. It is true that a woman looks truly beautiful when she is in a
loving and caring relationship with her man because she is satisfied on all the
levels of the threefold self. A happy and loved woman will create and
perpetuate happy and loving situations for her man. She feels appreciated and
valued in her relationship. A woman who has not reached this level of intimacy
with her man tries to find ways to ‘cope’ with her feelings of
inadequacy. However, such things in the sensorimotor
level only mask the problem either until she can find another way to cope, or
until she achieves the affective level with her partner. Some may say that a
girl is annoying because she is “starving” for attention. This
statement can be viewed as the woman being
‘love-starved.’
Love has an inexplicable power to nourish us at the deepest
level of our being. It feeds our soul, our heart, even our body. With it, we
thrive. Without it, we become love-starved. (Barbara DeAngelis, What Women Want
Men to Know, page 275)
From the time we enter this world,
we need more than food, water, and air to live a meaningful life – we
need love. When our heart is fed with intimacy,
affection, and communication, this primal hunger for love is satisfied. But when we are deprived of these things, our heart is
hungry, and we become ‘love-starved.’ (Barbara DeAngelis, What Women Want Men to Know, page 275)
How do you feel when you haven’t eaten for a long time,
and you’re just starving? I know how I feel:
cranky, irritable, impatient, and overractive. Well, guess what? When you starve your partner emotionally,
she is going to become cranky, irritable, impatient and hypersensitive. In
fact, you’re going to turn your partner into
everything you hate. (Barbara DeAngelis,
What Women Want Men to Know, page
277)
I believe that this works
both ways for men and women. We all get love-starved when our partners fail to
‘feed’ us. However, since we are explaining the unity model, the
man must feed his mate with love constantly or she will die (metaphorically
speaking). She wants her partner to value her, and make her feel appreciated.
If a man tries to consider his feeling of love-starvation, it could be viewed as the male dominance model because of his
focus on himself. A woman’s intention is to love her man and all that she
is asking for the same treatment.
Part III: Three Models of
Marriage in Practice
The Male Dominance Model
Scene 1: Brent and Jane are
in the office of their accountant who is filling out their tax forms. The
accountant has left the office for a few minutes and they are alone. They are
talking about their expenses and the changes in lifestyle they need to make in
order to make ends meet.
1. Brent: “See what
happens when you always want to eat out? We don’t have money now!”
(Raising his voice at Jane)
2. Jane: “Calm down
babe, we are still in her office!” (She
looks around)
3. Brent: “Does it
look like I care? What are we going to do about money?” (He is still raising his voice)
4. Jane: “We will
figure it out honey, just calm down! And what do you mean I always want to eat
out?”
5. Brent: “Well
who’s the one always saying, “Babe, why wont you be more romantic?
When will you take me out to a nice dinner?”” (Sarcastic and snobbish)
6. Jane: (in
a soft voice and with tears in her eyes) “I only say that around
Valentines Day and our wedding anniversaries”
7. Brent: “Whatever!
What are we going to do about money? You need to pack me lunch everyday from
now on; I am tired of eating fast food”
8. Jane: “Ok fine,
I’ll make you lunch, but don’t you think you should help out with
that?”
9. Brent: “HA! Me help with lunch…you know I can’t cook”
10. Jane: “Well than
you can make a sandwich or something!”
11. Brent: “Woman, I
need you to make me lunch so we can save money, stop with your nonsense about
who will make it, you know I work hard, so all I ask of you is to make my
lunch”
12. Jane: (whispers to herself) “as if I
don’t work hard!”
13. Brent: “What did
you say?” (Raising his voice again)
14. Jane: “Nothing, I
said I’ll make you lunch from now on!”
15. Brent: “Oh, and by
the way we can’t afford to buy you that new car you wanted, you’ll
have to drive the one you have for a while longer”
16. Jane: “I know, its
fine babe, don’t worry.” (Thinks
to herself about the new car he just bough for himself through their joint
account. The accountant walks in and their conversation is forced to end).
Scene2: Brent and Jane are
now driving home. There is more traffic than they expected, which causes Brent
to get into a bad mood.
17. Brent: “You stupid
Bitch” “GO! Learn how to drive” (he presses his horn for a few seconds and than switches lanes abruptly and
speeds past the vehicle in front of him)
18. Jane: “Oh my gosh honey,
calm down, we are not in a hurry for anything, you are really making me
nervous”
19. Brent: “I’m
making you nervous, I’m making you nervous!” (He begins to yell at her)
20. Jane: “Yes, babe,
you know I hate it when you drive like that!”
21. Brent: “When I
drive like what, like people are suppose to drive, but no some genius had to
decide that women should be able to have licenses, women are the cause of
accidents and road rage, and they should not be allowed on the road!”
22. Jane: (clearly upset and hurt) “You just
classified every woman as a horrible driver! You are so sexist! That really
hurts my feelings (on the verge of tears)
23. Brent: “God you
are so emotional! What is your problem? Are you on your period or
something? All I want to do is get
home, and it sucks because shitty female drivers are in my way!”
24. Jane: “No I am not
on my period you ass hole, and it’s not shitty female drivers it’s
people like you with no patience that cause accidents!”
25. Brent: (Steps on the gas and keeps switching lanes
carelessly) “Whatever!”
26. Jane: “Slow down!
I told you you’re making me nervous!”
27. Brent: (Mocking her) “Stop you’re
making me nervous! Wa, wa, wa, when have I ever gotten into a car accident huh?
That’s right never, so stop telling me how to drive!”
28. Jane: “It only
takes one mistake, one bad mistake, and we are history! Can’t you just
slow down, please?”
29. Brent: “Let me
drive ok, just let me drive” (He
turn on the radio, and continues with his reckless driving)
30. Jane: (Turns away with tears in her eyes as she
gazes out the window in disbelief)
Scene 3: They are now home
and going to bed. Brent proposes that they have sex, but she does not like the
idea. They have not really spoken since they arrived home, and Jane is still
very upset and hurt.
31. Brent: (Tries to grab her hand as they are in bed)
32. Jane: “Stop! Just
leave me alone”
33. Brent: “Why are
you being like that?”
34. Jane: “Why am I
being like that? Why am I being like that?”
35. Brent: “Well yeah,
I mean what the hell, isn’t a wife suppose to make love to her husband
every once in a while”
36. Jane: “I am still
very hurt by you, and I am not going to have sex with you tonight”
37. Brent: “Hurt about
what?”
38. Jane: “Are you
seriously going to lie there and ask about what?”
39. Brent: “OH jeeze,
are you still mad because I said women suck at driving?”
40. Jane: (rolls her eyes and turns around with her back now
facing him) “Never mind, you just don’t get it”
41. Brent:
“Don’t get what? That you women are so dramatic, and that you hang
on to worthless shit forever and won’t let it go?”
42. Jane: (Turns around to look at him with tears in
her eyes) “I can’t believe you, you are so heartless, and you
just don’t care about me or how I feel at all!”
43. Brent: “OH, now
I’m the heartless one! Well at least I don’t deprive my spouse of
sex!”
44. Jane: (Begins to cry and
leaves the bed with her pillow in an attempt to sleep in the living room)
45. Brent: “You are
such a drama queen!” (He rolls over in bed and goes to sleep frustrated)
Scene END
This
is one of the many textbook examples of the different levels in the male dominance
phase. Brent is angry at Jane because she spends all his money, not realizing
the fact that they are both the culprits in their financial downturn. Brent
finds excuses and places blame on Jane for their problems (lines 1 and 5) and
demands her to be responsible for fixing them (line 7). Jane asks Brent for help with their
situation but he refuses to do help. Brent could have not made such a scene in
a public setting (lines 1-3) and had been more concerned about the bigger issue
of finding ways to solve their problems rather than appointing responsibility
to the problem.
While
driving home, Brent is inconsiderate of any feelings that Jane has about his
driving, even when she pleads about her unease with the situation (lines 18,
26). He disregards her as if she is beneath him, and justifies his current
actions based on his past actions (line 27). There is an absence of any
emotional connection to his partner, other than anger. He has zero compassion
and regard to any of her feelings at this point, and any further efforts from
Jane would end in nothing but a bigger argument. This is why she cries at the
end of scene 2. If Brent had been a bit concerned with Jane’s fear (lines
18, 20, 26, and 28), he would had noticed that she was very concerned about
their safety. It was not about Brent’s driving record, rather the concern
for his misjudgments because he is such in an irrational and irresponsible
mood.
Brent
is confused at Jane’s lack of intimacy later that night (line 33). He
does not understand that his actions earlier that day had turned Jane off both
physically because of Brent’s lack of concern and understanding of her
feelings. Brent blames Jane for the way she feels because she is still angry
about earlier (line 39) and explains that Jane is being overly dramatic (line
41). If Brent had been a little calm and concerned about Jane’s feelings
earlier, his chances of being intimate with Jane would have been higher. He had
not once been concerned about Jane, and his ‘me first’ attitude is
not and will not improve their relationship.
The Equity Model
Scene 1
Narrator: Henry and Nancy are at the local blockbuster
for their Friday night movie night. They both have movies in mind that they
want to watch. However, they do not know this about each other and have mixed
feelings with the dilemma of picking the night’s movie.
1.
Narrator: She makes a b-line to the Sex and the City
display, grabs a copy and eagerly clutches it to her chest as if it were a long
lost childhood friend.
2.
3. Henry:
“Shit…really? Why can’t you just watch that with your
friends, you know have a girl’s night at the house?”
4.
5. Henry: “Well, I want
to watch, Ong Bak 2. It hasn’t released in US theaters and I really want
to see some bloody fights. It’s in Thai, so we got to read the
subtitles.”
6.
7. Henry: “Do you
honestly think I wanna watch 40 year old sluts talk about how much dudes they
banged? If I wanted that I would have just gone down to the bar.”
Narrator: Henry and Nancy continue to argue a little
more. They then agree to rent both movies so that they are both satisfied. They
quickly head home to watch their movies…it is going to be a long night.
Scene 2
Narrator: Henry and Nancy both rush to get into the
house, to start their movie night. They are befuddled to which movie they are
going to watch first.
8. Henry: “Since I
paid for them, we’ll watch Ong Bak first.”
9.
10. Henry: “Seriously,
what are you going to do? Turn the TV off when I’m watching it? You’re
being a little childish.”
11.
12. Henry: “How about
you watch it on the portable DVD player with some headphones, while you sit
next to me? That way, we both get to watch our movies.”
13.
14. Henry: “Well my
movie needs the big screen and in high definition and we don’t have a
portable high definition player.”
15.
16. Henry: “I’d
rather get kicked in the nuts than sit through that movie. I didn’t want
to watch it before, so what makes you think I want to watch it now?”
17.
18. Henry: “You
don’t think I don’t care about the things that matter to you? How
about the many times have I cooked dinner for you when you were busy? And
remember that time when Jen broke up with her boyfriend and we let her stay
over for a few days and I had to listen to her ALL of those hours crying and
complaining about her problems. I have problems of my own, but I don’t
dump them on everybody. We even missed sex night because of that. However, I
understood that she was your best friend. Don’t make it seem like I
don’t care about your feelings. What about my feelings? I FEEL like
watching this movie!”
19.
20. Henry: “Well most
of my work is done on a computer; I browse online to take a break from my
work.”
21.
22. Henry:
“They’re just short breaks? Besides what does this have to do with
watching your movie first?”
23.
24. Henry: (Rolls eyes)
“Fine, you can watch your movie first…this time. Since I’m
going to have to deal with this torture, you’re gonna need to heat up
some popcorn with some mochi crunch. Oh, bring some Tylenol too. Some cold beer
wouldn’t hurt either.”
Narrator: Henry and Nancy
begin to watch the movie and
Scene 3
Narrator: It’s
the next day, Saturday, and
25.
Narrator: Henry
is either too engrossed in his movie or is pretending he doesn’t hear
26.
27. Henry: (sigh) what do you want?
28.
29. Henry: You want me to do what now? I’m watching my movie that we
didn’t get to watch last night because you fell asleep. Can’t you
wait? It’s my day off!
30.
31. Henry: Yes, well, you don’t really
work. It’s not the same. Besides, aren’t these all things
that fit under your job description anyways?
32.
33. Henry: Oh, shut up. You don’t know what you’re
talking about.
Narrator:
34.
35. Henry: (sigh) I do value you. I just don’t see what’s so
hard about what you do.
36.
37. Henry: Well I guess that could be true. I’ve never tried to take on your
role. But, hey, you’ve never
taken on mine neither.
Narrator:
38.
39. Henry: Yeah, it does. Okay, I’ll help you with some of
the chores. I’ll mow the
lawn.
40.
41. Henry: Aww, how long do you think that’ll
take?
Narrator:
42.
Narrator: Henry
grimaces at the thought of wasting his Saturday doing housework.
43. Henry: Fine. But you owe me some extra good lunches.
44.
Narrator: Henry
turns off the TV and heads for the broom closet. While Nancy is a little disappointed
that Henry isn’t as eager to help her as she would have liked, and that
she is left doing more work than him, she is relieved that he is helping at
all.
Scene END
This
scene depicts Henry’s unwillingness to understand
The
equity battle continues the next day, Henry is watching his movie choice (which
they didn’t get to watch the night before) as
The Unity Model
Scene 1: Anthony and Charity are in a Woman Centered
Marriage. They are at home and Charity is walking around their living room
picking up trash and dusting the furniture. She is getting the house ready for
a surprise party for one of Anthony’s co-workers. Anthony is on the couch
slouching and watching T.V. Charity looks at him sitting there.
1. Charity: (Calmly) “Hey babe, can you help me
wash the dishes?”
2. Anthony: “Honey can
I do it in about an hour? I want to take a nap.”
3. Charity: (Starting to freak out) “Well, I
need to start preparing the meals and I need clean dishes!”
4. Anthony: “Calm down
honey, I just had a rough day remodeling the bathroom with your dad.”
5. Charity: (Very irritated, as she continues to pick up
around the living room) “Well I need you to take care of the dishes.
I can’t be expected to do everything on my own!”
6. Anthony: (He sits up on
the couch, looks at her, and says gently and sincerely) “its ok honey,
I’ll help you. What do you need help with?”
Scene
2
7.
Charity: “I need you to start washing the dishes.”
8.
Anthony: “Ok, baby.”
Anthony gets up and walks to the kitchen. He opens
the fridge and looks for something to eat
9.
Charity: (Irritated) “What are
you doing?”
Anthony puts a hot pocket in the microwave and turns
around
10.
Anthony: “What does it look like I’m doing?”
11.
Charity: “You are such an ass! I asked you to wash the dishes, what part
of that don’t you get?”
12.
Anthony: “Babe, I said I would, I just need some energy first. I
haven’t eaten anything since breakfast.”
13.
Charity: (sighs) “Ok fine.
I’m just irritated…I’m hungry too you know, I haven’t
had time to make me something to eat.”
14.
Anthony: “I made you one too babe! Look!”
15.
Charity: (She smiles) “When
will you wash the dishes?”
16.
Anthony: “Now.”
Anthony stuffs his hot pocket in his mouth, smiles,
and hands her the other one and starts to wash the dishes, while she sits down
and enjoys her hot pocket.
Scene
3: (Back in the living room) Charity is
happy that her husband has washed the dishes and that she was able to take a
short break. She is hanging streamers around the living room.
17.
Charity: “Ok, since you finished the dishes can you pick up some of the
food I ordered from Bucas? It should be ready by four and on the way there, I
need you to stop by Wal-Mart and pick up balloons, paper cups, and paper
plates. Oh and I also need more streamers, napkins, and ice.”
18.
Anthony: (sarcastic) “So…basically you want me to buy the entire
store. Do you expect me to remember all of this?”
19.
Charity: (Sassily) “No honey, I took the time to write it all out for
you. Here is the list. Oh and call me when you get there just in case I think
of anything else.” (She continues to work around the living room)
Anthony sits back on the couch in a comfortable
position
20.
Anthony: “Ok, can I go take my nap now? I’ll do it when I wake
up.”
21.
Charity: (Annoyed, she stops what she is
doing) “Are you serious? I’m trying to make everything perfect
for YOUR co-worker and you can’t even take this seriously!”
22.
Anthony: (He sits up immediately and
looks at her with an expression of love) “Alright,
alright…I’ll go now but I’ll be drinking some extra beers
tonight so don’t take advantage of me ok? (He smiles)
23.
Charity: (laughing) Ok, I’ll try not to…oh and don’t forget
to all me when you get to the store!”
24.
Anthony: “Don’t worry, I won’t. I love you too much to
forget.
Charity stops before she completely exits the living
room, smiles and blows him a kiss. Anthony catches the kiss and puts it in his
pocket.
Scene
4: After the party, Anthony and Charity
have finished cleaning up together and they sit at the dinner table. She has a
glass of wine and he is drinking his last beer.
25.
Charity: “So that went real well, don’t you think so baby?”
26.
Anthony: “Yeah, I though so, you did a great job with the decorations.
The salads and desserts were phenomenal.”
27.
Charity: “Thanks honey.”
Charity smiles and continues drinking her wine. As
Anthony finishes his last beer, he gets up and picks up the huge trash bags to
take them outside.
28.
Anthony: “I’ll be in bed as soon as I get done with this.” (He winks at her)
29.
Charity: I am so taking advantage of you. (Smiles)
End
The
being in the woman-centered model does not mean that no conflicts will arise
between couples. Charity is tidying up, and she asks her husband Anthony to
help with some cleaning. Anthony is on the couch and asks if he can help her
later. In line 5, Charity seems to find Anthony’s behavior as combative
as she is very irritated at his behavior. Anthony quickly tries to understand
her feelings and make them his own (line 6) and tries to help Charity. As
Anthony goes into the kitchen to presumably wash dishes, he instead grabs
something to eat (Narration lines between lines 8 & 9, and between lines 9
& 10) still with the understanding that he is going to wash the dishes.
Charity sees his action as being still being very resistant to her, not
realizing that there is an underlying reason for his actions (lines 9 through
13). Anthony was able to satisfy
one reason for Charity’s frustration by making her some food, and in turn
making her feel better (lines 14 and 15). Anthony sympathizes with Charity
where he felt as if he were to make the situation about him instead of his
wife, there would be much greater conflict and an equity battle could ensue.
Charity feels better because there is one less thing that she needs to worry
about.
Charity
instructs Anthony to help run some errands while she prepares what she can at
home. Her tasks are so numerous that it makes Anthony a little irritated (line
17). However, Charity had considered Anthony’s feelings by simplifying
his tasks by making a list instead of relying on him to do it all by himself.
Anthony is still tired as he had mentioned before and wants to be able to rest
first. In line 20, Charity explodes with frustration because she needs these
tasks done as soon as possible. She wants to make sure that she doesn’t
look like a failure to their guests. Anthony realizes that she is in need of
his understanding and needs to adapt a type of mental intimacy that is
compatible with hers. At the end of the party, Anthony appreciates all the hard
work that his wife did for that night and realizes that by helping her out,
those actions made her love and appreciate him more (lines 27 and 29). Charity
was also pleased with her husband’s attempts to cheer her up with food
and jokes (lines 21 and 28)
The
ways that this dialogue can be improved is the tone that Charity sets. I think
that she comes off as ‘bitchy’ and she is very impatient and
controlling. Anthony could be a little more assertive in the unity model
without sounding so passive-aggressive. Overall, I believe that the bulk of
this dialogue shows a true sense and meaning of the unity, or woman-centered
model of marriage.
Part IV: Understanding
the Models of Marriage…with videos!
(Click the titles to watch the video)
a.
This scene is
from the movie White Men Can’t Jump, where two of the main
characters, Billy and Gloria are in bed together. Gloria tells Billy that she
is thirsty, so Billy decides to get her a glass of water. Gloria then explains
that by her ‘being thirsty,’ was a metaphor for the way she felt
emotionally. She then went on to explain how she wanted Billy to sympathize
with her, by him getting in touch with her feelings (like in the Unity, or
women centered model). She then goes on to explain how men do not understand
women’s feelings, and how men are always trying to be problem solvers.
Billy then goes on to explain his viewpoint, that literal translation of
‘I’m thirsty’ means that he would like his thirst quenched,
and explains other statements that he felt validated his action. This scene can
be viewed as more of the male dominance model with a slight hint of the equity
model. Although at first the scene depicts Billy as being ‘helpful’
and had good intentions toward Gloria logically, (male dominance) he fails to
find a deeper connection to what was presented to him. Billy tried to
‘control’ the situation, as most men do in most situations.
Although Gloria tried to explain herself, there is resistance from Billy
(equity) in that both parties are struggling for power in their own ways.
a.
This music video
is a bit difficult to place in one marriage model. Although the song title is
about love and the chorus sounds beautiful, the underlying message is that she
‘needs’ the man to validate her feeling of inadequacy. However, the
video depicts a different episode. The video opens with Tyrese and Keyshia arguing
a bit in the car because they were pulled over by officers. The scene shifts to
the past and the couple is at their place, happy, having a party with some
friends. Tyrese gets a phone call from his friends and leaves to be with them.
I found this to be in the male dominance model because I perceived him as not
being close enough to her (emotionally and spiritually), to stay with her. The
video depicts a bunch of men involved in a heist of the night Tyrese left.
Keyshia suspects that Tyrese was involved because she notices that the people
in the news footage look similar to his friends. They go shopping and Tyrese
pays with a wad of cash, which leaves Keyshia a little suspicious to where he
got the money. Police officers question Keyshia on a suspect involved in the
heist, and shows her a picture of Tyrese. She denies knowing him. I viewed this
as instances of male dominance also because she is covering for his suspected
wrongdoings. However, I do believe that socially, we would all do the same for
someone we love. The video cuts back to the opening scene and they are in the
car. They were pulled over by officers for running a red light. The officers
recognize Keyshia as a singer, asks for her autograph
and lets her go. Meanwhile, Tyrese looks nervous in the car. Keyshia then asks
Tyrese what happened that night. He then explains that he left his friends that
night before the heist and he was not involved. I thought that this action
could be placed in the equity model because although they both resist on
telling each other about their suspicions, they are also aware of each
other’s feelings. The video ends with them hugging.
3) “Michael
Slaps Kay (The Godfather II)”
a.
This scene is
strictly a male dominance example. If you have not seen this movie before, Kay
is explaining to Michael that she wants to leave him because she has had enough
of her husband’s Mafia antics and wants to leave the relationship and
take their children with her. He tries to sweet talk her to become in control
of the situation. Kay refuses to listen to his words and explains to Michael
that her ‘miscarriage’ was really an abortion because she could not
bear the thought of carrying an unfit, evil seed from a man that does criminal
activities. After hearing Kay’s words, Michael, outraged, slaps Kay to
re-assert his dominance over her and the situation. This is an example of
extreme male dominance because it has escalated to the point where the
relationship is abusive.
4) “Married
with Children – No Ma’am”
a.
Classic examples
of the male dominance model are on numerous episodes of Married with Children. I
chose this episode because of its abundance of male dominance, and the focus of
extreme male dominant behavior towards women’s rights and anything out of
order in a ‘man’s world.’ Al Bundy is upset that his bowling
night was changed to accommodate a woman’s bowling night, thanks to a
local talk show host, Jerry Springer, the “Masculine Feminist.” He
and his friends are upset (his friends include his neighbor, Jefferson
D’Arcy), and are unsuccessful at taking back their bowling night. They
then try to find other things to do during their weekly guy’s night out.
They decide to go to a strip club, not knowing that it had been changed to a
coffee house. That was the last draw for the men, and they decide to take over
the Jerry Springer show to re-assert their dominance for their bowling night.
They make a list of demands on live television, but their airtime is short
lived because of Marcy D’Arcy (a female dominant character married to
Jefferson D’Arcy) who comes and battles wits with Al. Alas, Al loses his
battle with Marcy when the police arrive and take him away. A factoid about the
D’Arcy’s (if you have not already noticed from the video) is that
5) Everybody Loves Raymond
– Patricia Heaton Sexy Funny Scene
a.
I am sure many
will find this scene useful in their presentations of the Equity model. The
episode deals with ones willingness to ‘give-in’ to certain things
in a relationship. This scene in particular dealt with sex. Debra walks into
the room in a sexy negligee to tease her husband, Raymond. To her surprise, he
is not in the room. Raymond is seen in the doorway, he too wearing something
“sexy” with the same intentions as her. They are both trying to get
the other person to ‘give-in’ to assert who is dominant over whom
in the relationship. They both end up in a stalemate and angry at each other.
They both state that there will not be any sex for each other. Debra does not
give in to Raymond, as she would have if they were in the male dominance model.
Raymond stays his independent self, refusing to let Debra take control of the
situation.
6) “The
Bathroom Fight” Everybody Loves Raymond
a.
I have not been
able to find the entire episode, but this clip is enough to show an equity
fight that somehow (I believe) ends up in unity. Debra and Raymond are fighting
about the bathroom uses and how each other smells. This all starts by a
scoff/sigh, where Raymond is irritated by Debra’s annoying habit of
sighing (this episode is known as the “sigh” episode). They bicker
back and forth about why Debra ‘sighs.’
She explains metaphorically that it is like a pressure
release valve, and that if she did not sigh, she would explode. Raymond
then tries to pick another fight with Debra on her other habits that he finds annoying.
Debra rebuttals with things she found annoying about Raymond. Raymond then
talks about the way Debra sneezes and says that she controls her sneeze because
she is controlling. There is more bickering and name-calling. This results in Raymond trying to dominate the situation by
telling Debra to leave the bathroom, but Debra refuses. She says that he gave
her the bathroom and that he cannot take it back and she asks him to leave.
Raymond stands his ground and says that he is not going anywhere. Debra reaches
in the shower, grabs the removable nozzle head, and asks Raymond to leave one
last time. He calls her bluff and she sprays him with water. Raymond still
refuses to leave the bathroom and wrestles with Debra for the nozzle to assert
his dominance over her, but she puts up a fight. They both end up getting
soaked and come to a compromise to stop, but Raymond wants the ‘last
laugh.’ They continue to wrestle, but their children interrupt them and
they stop. They try to justify their actions to their children by saying that
mommy and daddy were talking about how they each
needed their own space. Raymond tries to say something, but decides to spray
the kids with water instead. The kids run away screaming. They both find the
situation rather silly afterward. The scene ends with Raymond calling the
children back, and Debra saying, “Don’t worry, daddy won’t
spray you,” as she holds the nozzle ready to fire. The unity part is very
subtle; they are both happy and satisfied with the realization that their fight
seemed silly. They found a commonality to having a mutual feeling that they
both share.
7) “The
Jeffersons – Locked in the Bathroom”
a.
George is locked
in the bathroom by accident with Tom and Helen Willis while trying to hide from
his neighbor, Mr. Bentley, to avoid going to dinner with him and his sister.
This starts with the Willis’ arguing about a publisher’s dinner
that they were to attend that evening. Helen states that she did not want to go
and Tom never listens to her. He interrupts her when she is talking, by saying
in a commanding voice, “let me tell you one thing…” to which
Helen puts up a defense. Tom avoids the confrontation by changing the subject,
mentioning that one of Helen’s fake eyelashes is coming off. They enter
the bathroom, still arguing while she tries to fix her eyelash, which ends up
stuck in the sink drain. George Jefferson is avoiding contact with his neighbor
and he hides in the same bathroom with the Willis’. The knob for the door
breaks and they are trapped in the bathroom. Time passes and the Willis’
are still arguing. Helen asks Tom for some help, but he refuses because he is
hurt by her words. He will not help her unless she apologizes for those crude
remarks about his publisher’s dinner. It is something that Tom considers
very important. Frustrated, Tom decides to blame the incident on Helen, and
states that he had never pressured her to go. She refutes and states that Tom
said that his whole career depended on it. In hindsight of this new
information, you can see that Helen was passive-aggressive in previous
situations because she gave in to her husband’s domineering choice of
words. The rest of the scene deals with their escape, but does not really
entail any other usage of any of the models of marriage.
8) “Compromise:
The Relationship Killer”
a.
This video is of
a man giving his thoughts about compromise in relationships and how they up
being unsuccessful. It is a video blog that I believe shows how people really
feel. This video is about life and its unscripted antics. He explains
‘compromise’ and generally relates them to the equity model. He
states the phrase, “both sides of the cake” meaning that people
want their independence and their security blanket in their relationship. He
then goes on to explain that it is not possible in a relationship because the
person is willing to take (emotional) things from someone else, but not give
any back in return. It is all about what and how much a person can get out of a
relationship. I guess in the end he is unintentionally mentioning that the
unity model can be a reason that relationships last. It is very vague, but
again I found this video interesting because it is a real person talking about
his opinions and feelings.
9) “Love
Advice – Is There A Right Way to Argue and Fight?”
a.
Ask Dan and Jennifer is an internet show on YouTube where they answer
viewer questions about dating, love and sex. The show is based out of
10) “Amazing Facts: Keys to
a Happy Marriage” (Part 1)
a.
This video is a
sermon about marriage in the spiritual realm. The goal in this video, as it is in
the Unity Model of Marriage, is to connect with your partner on a spiritual
level. The subject of marriage is the transformation of ‘holy
wedlock’ that turns into ‘unholy deadlock.’ The pastor goes
on to explain that the reason why relationships fail is due to what an
individual can do for you. He states that a relationship will flourish if both
partners do their best to do the most good for their partners. He also says
that the ‘home’ is the base of the marriage, that should be
privatized by the couple and that those who are not in that relationship should
respect it. It is also imperative to continue the courtship aspect of the
relationship, and to connect at the spiritual and emotional level (unity). At
some point in the relationship, (e.g., getting married, in this case) the
courtship aspect is considered useless since he has ‘conquered’ his
woman, and doesn’t feel the need to continue those actions. The pastor
then uses the analysis of men and women and their views of life with the uses
of different metaphors. Men tend to want to know the ‘headlines’
(male dominance) while females want to know the ‘fine print’
(unity).
Part V: Are You
Listening to Me? Pay Attention.
This
course is more than just a letter grade. It is more than a psychology course.
This course will be one of the most valuable lessons that any individual can
and hopefully, will learn. First thing to remember and accept is to have a VERY
open mind. I had my doubts taking this course because of my need to be the
dominant male in the relationship through logic, self-appraisal, and the fact
that I have previously taken a course from Dr. James involving quite similar
concepts. After reading the course materials, lecture notes and listening to
the voices of Dr. James and my peers, I now understand how and why
relationships either last or fail, especially the abundance of failed ones in
the world today.
I have always wondered how my parents
stayed together for the soon-to-be 25 years that they were married. I have
actually talked to my father about this course and his advice on the material
that I have learned. The interesting thing is that my father had gained the
experience of becoming a part of the unity model with my mother through their
trials and tribulations, and they have lasted. I guess I should explain to you
that my parents were very young when they got married. My mother and father
were straight out of high school, already expecting me to come along. When they
were first married, they had the most difficult time raising a child.
Fortunately, the morals and understandings that my parents learned through
family gave them the advantage of relying on the love towards one another
helped them throughout the years. I still see the passion and the flame in
their lives, as they both have become my best friends in recent years. I am 24
years old and I have only touched the surface of life as we know it. However, I
have gained the knowledge and understanding of what it means to be in unity
with your partner. Some people go through their entire lives with relationships
that are immature and stagnant. Some of these lives can be changed for the
better with simple adjustments. I am glad that I have learned ways to adjust my
thinking and behavior in my personal relationships. I am not saying that I am
an expert in the field of the Unity Model of Marriage, but I do have a lot more
experience and understanding than those of my peers.
I have been with my current
girlfriend for about 4 years now. I have evolved my way of thinking about
relationships in the past few months, through my understanding of this course
and through my own maturity. The theories and the opinions in this course may
seem very common sense, but it is more of the notion of practicing what you
have learned and what you have preached. I can sit all day giving relationship
advice to people on how they should approach their partners to better their
relationships. However, at the same time, in the privacy of my own
relationships, I was not following my advice and I was actually hurting my
relationships. I do not want to go into much detail because I do not feel
comfortable sharing the situation with you, the reader. I will tell you that
the journey for unity is arduous; I believe that I am in the equity model right
now, and my girlfriend and I are striving to be in unity. It is always better
to be at a level that is closer to your goals. I do believe that I would not be
on the path to unity as fast if I were not aware of all these “common
sense” things. As they say, common sense is not all that common.
If you take something from my
thoughts, remember this lesson: change is good when it is for the betterment of
not only yourself, but for the ones you love and care about while considering
their thoughts in a positive and involving way. I will not just tell you not to
procrastinate on this paper. Take the time to consider life itself, about the
one(s) you love, and the ability for ones consciousness to change for the better;
never consider the worst. Positivity is a key to a happy and
long lasting relationships whether it is with a partner, a family
member, or a friend. Loving others will in turn make others love you. I do not
want to sound too ‘preachy’ but the saying “Do unto others,
as they do unto you” is quite true to an extent. Rather think of it as to
“Do unto others, as if you cared for them.” I am not saying that
applying these theories to your relationship will change them overnight. It
takes time, hard work, and the willingness of the man (with the woman) to
explore. Also, remember that learning these does not make you into a ‘Love Guru’ but it
helps to understand what the problem is in a relationship and what options we
can consider to improve it. You will not regret taking this course; you
don’t want to be that guy that ‘Shoulda, Woulda,
Coulda’ done something about their past relationship(s).
On an academic note, please
do your best to read all the following materials before class, even if it is
not your turn to present. Dr. James may ask you to present part of the
materials for those who are not in class and it gives you the advantage of being
able to understand the course materials a little better. I believe that if you
do not know Dr. James and his theories, one may be discouraged in learning them
and may label him as a crazy man. I admit his theories are a little unorthodox,
but they make sense. His passion for unity in relationships is phenomenal.
There are terms that seem vague because you may not have heard them before, but
after much explanation and studying, you are better able to understand those
concepts. Ask many questions to your peers, but most importantly, ask questions
to Dr. James. Question things you do not agree with or you do not understand.
It is riveting to hear different opinions; sometimes you hear things that you
may have never thought of, or things that you were too shy to ask. I would say
vodka helps for the thought process of this paper, but it distorts time, so it
is not very good. This class will only benefit your love life if you let it. Oh
and lend your books out to your friends and family that are either in good or
bad relationships. It is never too late to learn, change, or to be aware of
things we think about each and every day.
Part VI: References
De Angelis, Barbara
(2001). What Women Want Men to Know
Schlessinger, Laura (2007). The Proper Care and
Feeding of Marriage.
Tannen, Deborah (2001).You Just Don’t
Understand.