Three
Perspectives on Marriage:
Male Dominance, Equity, and Unity.
Course: Psychology
409, University of Hawaii-Manoa, Spring 2009, G29
Instructor: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/leon.html
Instructions for
this report: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy29/409b-g29-report.htm
Student Author:
Asia Kupa’Alii Botelho
PART I: THE
THREE PHASES:
The Male Dominance
Phase: The dominance phase usually happens
when the couple first starts dating. Normally, this is the stage in which
courtship of the man is present; he brings her flowers and gifts, as well as
takes her out on dates. Couples in this stage share the same interests and like
spending time together. Couples in the male dominance phase are connected at
the sensorimotor level, consisting of sensations and
perceptions between the two partners. They are not conjoined at the cognitive
and affective levels yet because the man still wants his cognitive and
affective independence.
Couples in this phase reflect male dominance and female
submissiveness. She learns never to overtly display her disagreement, to not
displease him. The man on the other hand, takes precedent and expects her to
adjust to him. She is pressured to submit and go along with anything he wants,
since he has more power being financially stable. In this phase, the couple
does not argue about anything (sex, finance, religion) because his perspective
dominates in all areas, there is no room for discussion. Her role is to be
domesticated, take care of the home, the children, and her husband. Like
previously noted, the woman may not outwardly express her feelings with her
husband, however while out with her woman friends, she is able to vent and
share frustration about her man. If a woman in the male dominance phase wants
something, she must phrase it indirectly. She never challenges his authority,
since he decides everything. In the male dominant phase, the man’s family
members and friends always come before his woman. While this may not seem fair,
she let’s this happen even if she feels lonely and ignored because she feels
constricted by the expectation of being a good wife. If she rebels against the
man and expresses disagreement he is able to punish her with ugly, cold words,
and threaten her with the possibility of leaving her. When the couple speaks,
the man takes the leading role woman drops back to take the supportive role.
When a disagreement happens, he is the final authority. The man is able to take
to his woman in harsh tones using condescending words, while she is expected to
take this verbal abuse without showing disagreement. When the woman challenges
his authority, again she is shown much disapproval not only by him, but from
society. She is expected to conform to his needs and follow his lead. Women in
the male dominance phase also feel compelled to submit to sexual intimacies she
has no interest in. She feels compelled to have sex with her man even if she
does not feel like it, this is called sexual blackmail. Men in this phase do not
care about their woman’s feelings or needs; they feel that providing her with
financial support is their job and nothing else. If she asks him to do a
household chore, he won’t not only because he is lazy and feels it isn’t his
job to help around the house, but he is always focused on himself, and nothing
else. He doesn’t care if her feelings are hurt when he refuses to help. The
women as well as other family members go along with the man’s perspective of
male dominance because they view it as normal. It’s extremely common for women
not to know they are in the male dominance phase because they adopt the view as
their own and do not see any wrongdoing on his side. Traditional psychology
practices normally are man centered; the woman dropping everything to take care
of her man who in return goes to work to support her.
The Equity Phase: After the couple leaves the male dominance phase
behind them, they are able to move onto the equity phase of marriage. Though
this phase sounds “equal”, this phase is still unfair to women. Although she
may now negotiate and argue with the man, he still may not do what she asks.
When she brings it up again, he puts her down and says she’s “nagging”. In the
equity phase, the couple is connected at the sensorimotor
level as well as the cognitive level; which includes the thinking and reasoning
in a couple’s relationship. The woman wants to understand her man’s feelings
and cognition, as well as learn everything about him. She wants to live in an
equal environment where they can work together. However the husband is still
focused on himself. In this phase the woman has no guarantee about anything,
but she is now able to make herself less sexually available to her man in order
to fight his injustice. Couples in the equity dialog alternate between peace
and war frequently. They tend to argue and negotiate frequently about who needs
to do what. Their dialogue shows arguing for who will do less, while struggling
to define equality and fairness. They are always negotiating and arguing for
themselves. One person always wants more than what they are putting into the
relationship and in their dialogue there’s a constant battle to see who is able
to get more out of a situation, like household chores for example. In
comparison to the male dominance phase, the couple now argues about sex,
finances, and children. They are also able to argue about friends and
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends. They both practice sexual blackmail by holding back
affection when the other isn’t acting in a way the other wants. This phase does
not fully satisfy either partner fully. However there are times where they will
be supportive of each other. A woman in the equity phase is always hoping that
her man will become spiritually enlightened and will move into the practice of
the unity model.
The Unity Model: In the Unity Model, the man conjoins with his
woman in all levels- sensorimotor, cognitive, and
affective; he has conformed himself to his woman’s wants and needs. The
affective level involves the motivation and feelings of the couple. It is only
at this level where the man’s feelings align with his woman’s feelings. In
order for this to happen, he has to surrender his male needs that he attained
from society in order to conjoin with his woman and become one. It does not
mean he needs to give up his independence, but he now must show he is devoted
to her unconditionally.
In
order for a man to adopt the unity model, he must be spiritually enlightened
(when his thinking changes from material to rational). He needs to think of his
relationship as never ending and eternal, not “til’
death do we part.” If a man loses this idea from his woman, he can’t adopt the
unity model. The man must also be a dualist, in which he believes in the
afterlife. If not, he won’t care who his partner is in the afterlife, because
he will not believe in it. In the afterlife, the anatomy of the relationship
will evolve and the couple’s mental bodies will achieve unity, while also
practicing being the conjoint self. The conjoint self binds the man and woman
together forever, they depend on each other. With this conjoint self, a couple
will achieve a high quality of life because it is able to do things the single
self can’t do. But like the unity model, it needs to be developed.
When he
is able to accept and love the idea that his woman will be his eternal soul
mate, he will find the motivation to follow the unity model and give his all to
achieve it. The adoption of the unity model is all at once, but attaining it is
a progressive development. The woman will keep bringing up the point that they
are spiritually bound to one another, she has to put motivational pressure on
him since she has almost no power otherwise. His commitment to the unity model
is embedded in the idea that his relationship with his woman will continue into
the after life, forever. This new ability flows in the conscious mind of the
man from his unconscious spiritual mind. He can compel himself to think and act
from the unity model even when he feels tempted to regress in the male dominant
phase or equity phase. A man doesn’t have affective power to prevent himself
from regressing into a past model without the idea that he and his woman will
be together forever in Heaven. This man becomes his full human potential in
eternity when he loves conjugial unity. Their
dialogue reflects the man constantly trying to adjust his thinking and behavior
to make his woman happy and agree with her. If they get into an argument, the
man needs to realize it’s his job to end the disagreement. If she realizes she
needs to end the argument before him, they are in the equity model. While
fights tend to happen in the unity model, they are different from fighting
styles in the past two models. A couple in the unity model must have fights
that are in the sexy conversational style and their trust must not be
scratched. Continuous fighting ruins and destroys relationships; couples must
learn how to resolve disagreements. Even the smallest disagreement is seen as a
threat to their unity. Although the man may fall back on man centered
practices; for example, getting mad, yelling, acting defensive, not being fully
honestly, he must quickly catch himself and give into what his woman wants. A
man in the unity model is committed to comply to his woman’s motivations and affections, instead of his own. The woman-centered man practices “sweetheart
rituals” on a daily basis, that include going shopping with her or offering to
drive her. He learns how to talk to her so she is more relaxed in the
relationship which will allow her to enjoy his presence and fully confide in
him.
Many
people think the unity model sounds like the “female dominant” model in which a
man is being dominated by the woman against his will. This is not true at all;
in the unity model the man goes along voluntarily and always knows this
distinction. The unity model is totally the man’s voluntary focus. No one can
make him feel this way about his woman because it involves his emotions,
feelings and intentions, and his thoughts and reasoning process. Because these
are mental, nobody can make him feel this way except himself.
|
Sensorimotor level. |
Sensorimotor and Cognitive levels. |
Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective levels. |
|
The
couple doesn’t argue about sex, finances, or politics. The man’s perspective
automatically dominates. |
The
couple argues about sex, finances, and children. They also argue about
friends and exes. Use sexual blackmail when the other reacts in a different way. |
Man
adopts woman’s view on the situation if there is a disagreement. |
|
Woman
pressured to have sex with husband without feeling mentally intimate.
“Coercive” sex. |
Cognitive
intimacy to support sexual activity. “Negotiated” sex. |
Affective
intimacy to support sexually activity including cognitive intimacy. |
|
Woman
is “sex slave” She needs to have sex with him whenever he wants. Her fault if
she doesn’t want to. |
Both
are at fault for not wanting to have sex. |
Man’s
responsibility entirely what his woman feels about her mental intimacy. |
|
He
will blame it on his woman for not reciprocating her man’s sexual advances. |
Both
are at fault. |
Man
at fault for not preparing the woman to being mentally receptive. |
|
Traditional
male dominance deals with power sharing. |
Modern
Equity deals with negotiating who does what. |
Organic
Unity deals with reciprocity and mutuality. |
|
Whatever
man says goes. He decided everything. |
They
argue and negotiate who does what. Man still reserves right to say NO. |
He
recognizes she is always trying to promote unity. He voluntarily submits to
needs, urges, demands, and expectations. |
|
Dominant
role for man and submissive role for woman. |
Ideally
assigns equal power. Couple negotiates decision making. |
Lead
role to woman in the area of the relationship. Not the same as the dominance
in the MD phase. |
|
Don’t
argue. He makes all decisions. |
She
realizes she needs to end the argument. |
He
realizes he needs to end the argument. |
|
Cognitive Processes. |
1 MALE DOMINANCE |
2 EQUITY |
3 UNITY |
|
Man allows and accepts psychological
pressure from woman. |
NO |
NO |
YES |
|
Engage in and prefer activities separate
from one another. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
Man expects partner to conform to him and
his beliefs. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
Man believes arguing and negotiating are
the only way to solve problems. |
NO |
YES |
NO |
|
Couple argues about sex, finances,
children, politics, etc. |
NO |
YES |
NO |
|
Man believes it’s OK and engages in outwardly
showing anger such as treating her badly, calling her names, threatening her
and embarrassing her. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
Man “hates” female femininity by
disrespecting the female body. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
Man wants to make his woman happy. |
YES |
YES |
YES |
|
Man engages in and thinks “sexual
blackmail” is OK. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
Man blames his woman when she doesn’t want
to have sex with him. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
When the woman has a request for her man, he
does it because he CARES and wants to make her happy. |
NO |
NO |
YES |
PART
II: THE PHASES OF MARRIAGE PRESENTED IN TEXT.
“The Proper
Care & Feeding of Marriage”: Male Dominance.
“The main problem with these cultural influences is that they
result in a constant IV drip of negativity into the veins of women who then
treat their men with reflexive, almost unconscious disdain- and then they call
me nonplussed that their husbands ignore Valentine’s Day and anniversaries. I
tell them, “Happily married men always remember sentimental holidays.” Silence,
I add “So tell me why your husband is unhappily married?” (Schlessinger,
34-35)
Once
again male dominance is apparent when Dr. Laura blames the woman for being a
bad wife if her husband forgets special occasions. In this model the woman’s
feelings do not matter to the man. Even if she wants something (like to
celebrate an anniversary) she may not directly request this. She also has no guarantee
about this because the man has the final decision on everything. If he does not
want to go out and celebrate, and she does, his decision will ultimately trump
hers. She also may not show and express any overt disagreement with his
decision, because he is the man and knows best.
“She respected her husband’s needs were not
irrelevant, simply because she had pain, she took care of her man.” (Schlessinger, 22)
The male dominance model
strongly believes that women need to cater to their men at all costs. This
selection demonstrates a wife in pain, mourning the death of her father and
focusing entirely on her mother, putting her husband on the side. The listener
heard Dr. Laura’s advice on the air and came to the realization that she needed
to focus on her husband no matter how torn she was inside. According to the
unity model, the husband should realize how important this time is for his wife
and her mother and change his views. The husband would alter his way of
thinking to truly please his wife and take the emotional pressure off her,
allowing her to relax. However, the male dominance model dismisses the wife’s
feelings and pressures her to place them aside to cater to her man. If the
tables were turned and his father had just passed away, it would have been
acceptable for the man to emotionally abandon his wife to grieve with his
family, since the man’s family and friends automatically take precedence over
his wife.
“I am often challenged by an angry woman
with the question, “Am I obligated to have sex with my husband? Even when I don’t feel like it?” My answer has always been
the same, “Yes the same way he is obligated to go to work and support the
family even when he doesn’t feel like it.” (Schlessinger,
132)
This passage not
only shows male dominance, but also sexual blackmail. I don’t care for this
quote at all because it feels as if Dr. Laura is hinting that it’s a wife’s JOB
to have sex with her husband, against her will. The man goes to work, to
provide for his family so in return the woman’s job is to “thank” him and show
appreciation for that grueling task by having meaningless sex. If the woman
refuses sex with her husband, she is a bad wife and something “must be wrong with
her”. Even if the real reason the wife doesn’t feel like having sex with her
husband is because they have no mental intimacy. In the unity model, it is the
man’s responsibility for the woman’s feelings of lacking mental intimacy.
However, in the male dominant model the woman’s feelings don’t count and
whatever the man decides is what they will do. Women in this male dominance
model also submit to sexual intimacies they do not welcome.
You Just Don’t Understand:
Equity.
“Eve
wanted the gift of understanding but Mark gave her the gift of advice. He was
taking the role of problem solver, whereas she simply wanted confirmation for
her feelings.” (Tannen, 50)
Many couples in the
equity model have trouble understand each other’s needs, most of the time it is
because they are still focused on their own. Eve was venting to Mark about her
breast augmentation, wanting compassion and understanding about her
insecurities. Mark thought she wanted a solution and gave one to her, one that
ultimately hurt her feelings. This passage hints that neither party is fully
satisfied with what happened, which is much like the equity model. When men
talk it’s for information, when women do the main goal is interaction.
According to the equity model, Eve should acknowledge the fact that men are
problem solvers, and when presented with a situation which needs solving, they
will solve it instead of sympathize. Mark needs to accept the fact that Eve
just endured a life-altering operation and instead of hearing answers, she
needs to hear compassion.
“The culprit, then, is not an individual man
or even men’s styles alone, but the difference between women’s and men’s
styles. If that is the case, then both can make adjustments. A woman can push
herself to speak up without being invited, or begin to speak without waiting
for what seems a polite pause. But the adjustment should not be one-sided. A
man can learn that a woman who is not accustomed to speaking up in groups is
not as free as he is to do so.” (Tannen, 95)
This selection shows
a nice example of the equity model. Tannen is talking
about how men prefer to speak in public, while women feel more comfortable
speaking in private settings. She goes on to describe how women get angry with
their husbands for having so much to say to outsiders, and not speaking word
when he’s at home with her. In order for the man to seem not as “dominating”
and allowing women to get a chance to speak in public discussions, Tannen proposes her solution. If the woman would like to
speak, she should. She shouldn’t feel guilty if she speaks without being
invited to. In contrast, the man should innately know his woman is not
comfortable with speaking in groups, like he is. With him knowing this, he can
adjust himself to make it more comfortable for her. Both sides need to make
adjustments in order to make changes and come to an agreement.
“Men should accept that many women regard
exchanging details about personal lives as a basic ingredient of intimacy, and
women should accept that many men do not share this view.” (Tannen,
122)
In order to get
along and understand each other, both men and women need to make compromises.
Couples in the equity model are constantly making compromises and negotiations
in their relationship. The message here is men and women need to meet halfway
in order to understand each other and get along. Another theme in the equity
model is the fact that in arguments, couples negotiate for themselves. So if he
listens to his wife, it will make her happy, in turn maybe he will get something
from that.
What Women Want Men to
Know: Unity.
“Know
what’s important to your woman and go out of your way to do those things. For
instance, if you know your wife tends to get stressed out putting the kids to
bed at night, offer to help before she asks you. If you know your partner loves
chocolate chip cookies from a particular store, surprise her with them every
once in a while. If your girlfriend enjoys a particular TV show, offer to watch
it with her (at least once in a while!)” (De Angelis, 164)
A man in the unity
model always practices sweetheart rituals for his wife. He should aim for “a
surprise a day”. These are important because when a man is in the unity model,
his perspective is on his woman, and he is no longer self-centered. He is
constantly alternating his way of thinking to please her. Lastly, the unity
model man understands that his wife is always forming ways to keep their unity
strong, which is why he doesn’t object to watch her favorite TV show with her.
“Guys imagine for a moment that you own a
beautiful sport car, once you’ve wanted for a long time. Would you ever
complain: “this car is so much work-it needs gas every few days, and I have to
check the oil and tires frequently, and if I don’t wash it, it looks awful. Why did I ever buy it? It’s demanding too much from
me.” Of course you wouldn’t say these things, because you have the
understanding that a quality vehicle needs quality care in order to run
properly. Well, it’s the same with relationships. They need attention and work
and maintenance in order to run properly. Women intuitively know this, and
that’s why we are always encouraging you, asking you, and yes, sometimes
bugging you to connect, communicate, be intimate, and all the rest.” (De Angelis,
194)
De Angelis is
illustrating a creative, simple way men can understand why relationships may be
so high maintenance. No quality and fulfilling marriage is easy, you need to
put things into the relationship to get something out of it. The overall
meaning of this quote explains how women are always in the unity model in their
mind. They are just waiting for their man to become spiritually enlightened and
change his view on marriage and relationships. Once a man becomes enlightened,
he is able to adopt the unity model.
PART
III: THE THREE PHASES OF MARRIAGE THROUGH DIALOGUE.
Male Dominant Dialogue:
SCENE1: Brent and Jane are in the office of their accountant who is
filling out their tax forms. The accountant has left the office for a dew minutes
and they are alone. They are talking about their expenses and the changes in
lifestyle they need to make in order to make ends meet.
B1: “See what
happens when you always want to eat out? We don’t have money now!” (raising his voice
at Jane)
J1: “Calm down
babe, we are still in her office!” (She looks around)
B2: “Does it look
like I care? What are we going to do about money?” (He is still raising his
voice)
J2: “We will figure
it out honey, just calm down! And what do you mean I always want to eat out?”
B3: “Well who’s the
one always saying, “Babe, why wont you be more romantic? When will you take me
out to a nice dinner?”” (Sarcastic and snobbish)
J3: (in a soft
voice with tears in her eyes) “I only say that around valentines day and our wedding
anniversaries.”
B4: “Whatever! What
are we going to do about money? You need to pack me lunch everyday from now on;
I’m tired of eating fast food.”
J4: “Ok fine, I’ll
make you lunch, but don’t you think you should help out with that?”
B5: “HA! Me help
with lunch, you know I can’t cook!”
J5: “Well than you
can make a sandwich or something.”
B6: “Woman, I need
you to make me lunch so we can save money, stop with your nonsense about who
will make it, you know I work hard, so all I ask of you is to make my lunch.”
J6: (whispers to
herself) “As if I don’t work hard.”
B7: “What did you
say?” (Raising his voice again)
J7: “Nothing, I
said I’ll make you lunch from now on!”
B8: “Oh, and by the
way we can’t afford to buy you that new car you wanted, you’ll have to drive
the one you have for a little while longer.”
J8: “I know, its
fine babe, don’t worry.” (Think to herself about the new car he just bought for
himself through their joint account. The accountant walks in and their
conversation is forced to come to an end).
SCENE2: Brent and Jane are now driving home. There is more traffic
than they expected, which causes Brent to get into a bad mood.
B9: “You stupid
bitch! GO! Learn how to drive!!!” (He presses his horn for a few seconds than
switches lanes abruptly and speeds past the vehicle in front of him)
J9: “Oh my gosh honey, calm
down, we aren’t in a hurry for anything, you are really making me nervous.”
B10: “I’m making
you nervous! I’m making you nervous!!!” (He begins to yell at her)
J10: “Yes, babe,
you now I hate it when you drive like that.”
B11: “When I drive
like what, like people are suppose to drive, but no some genius had to decide
that woman should be able to have licenses, women are the cause of accidents
and road rage, and they should not be allowed on the road!”
J11: (clearly upset
and hurt) “You just classified every woman as a horrible driver! You are so
sexist! That really hurts my feelings.” (On the verge of tears)
B12: “God you are
so emotional! What is your problem? Are you on your period or something? All I
want to do is get home, and it sucks because shitty female drivers are in my
way.”
J12: “No I am not
on my period you asshole, and its not shitty female drivers, its people like
you with no patience that cause accidents!”
B13: (steps on the
gas and keeps switching lanes carelessly) “Whatever!”
J13: “Slow down! I
told you you’re making me nervous!”
B14: (mocking her)
“Stop you’re making me nervous! Wa, wa, wa, when have I ever gotten into a car accident huh? That’s
right never, so stop telling me how to drive!”
J14: “It only takes
one mistake, one bad mistake, and we are history! Can’t you just slow down,
please?”
B15: “Let me drive
ok, just let me drive” (he turns on the radio, and continues with his reckless
driving)
J15: (turns away
with tears in her eyes as she gazes out the window in disbelief)
SCENE3: They are now home and going to bed. Brent proposes they have
sex, but she doesn’t like the idea. They haven’t really spoken since they
arrived home, and Jane is still very upset and hurt.
B16: (tries to grab
her hand as they are in bed)
J16: “Stop! Just
leave me alone.”
B17: “Why are you
being like that?”
J17: “Why am I
being like that? Why am I being like that?”
B18: “Well yeah, I mean
what the hell, isn’t a wife suppose to make love to her husband every once in a
while”
J18: “I am still
very hurt by you, and I am not going to have sex with you tonight.”
B19: “Hurt about
what?”
J19: “Are you
seriously going to lie there and ask about what?”
B20: “Oh jeeze, are you still mad because I said women suck at
driving?”
J20: (rolls her
eyes and turns around with her back now facing him) “Never mind, you just don’t
get it”
B21: “Don’t get
what? That you women are so dramatic, and that you hang onto worthless shit
forever and won’t let it go?”
J21: (turns around
and looks at him with tears in her eyes) “I can’t believe you, you are so
heartless, and you just don’t care about me or how I feel at all!”
B22: “Oh now I’m
the heartless one! Well at least I don’t deprive my spouse of sex.”
J22: (begins to cry
and leaves the bed with her pillow in an attempt to sleep in the living room)
B23: “You are such
a drama queen!” (He rolls over in bed and goes to sleep frustrated)
This dialogue shows
Brent and Jane in the Male Dominant phase. The dialogue starts off in the
couple’s accountant’s office while they discuss current money problems. As soon
as the couple is faced with a hardship and potential changes in lifestyle to
accommodate their money crisis, Brent become dominant and verbally attacks his
wife. In the first line (B1) Brent confronts his wife with their money problems
and puts the blame on her. He makes her feel as if it is entirely her fault for
wanting to eat out all the time, and makes her feel extremely guilt with the
phrase “we don’t have any money now.” In the male dominance model, the man
expects the woman to accommodate him and adapt to his lifestyle, meaning Brent
feels he has the right to spend his money the way he wants and expects Jane not
to spending his money excessively. She replies back in J1 trying to calm him
since she does not want to get into an ugly argument with him in public. In
order to save money he proposes she makes him home lunch every (B4), after
mocking her about her love of going out to romantic dinners with him. When she
agrees to make him lunch (J4) and asks for help, he laughs in her face and
doesn’t even consider the idea (B5 and B6). Since he has the final decision,
Jane submits and takes his order (J7). At the end of scene one, Brent tells
Jane they can’t afford a new car for her, even though he recently bought a new
car himself (B8 and J8). This is a clear example of how men in the male
dominant phase don’t care about their wife’s feelings and are always focused on
themselves. Scene two displays Brent’s aggression while they are stuck in
traffic. Not only does Brent use derogatory words towards all woman as seen in
B9, but he classifies all women as bad drivers, really offending Jane. When she
tells him “that really hurt my feelings” in line J11, he calls her “emotional”
and blames her tears on PMS. Again in line J13 when Jane expresses her feelings
of fear with his reckless driving, he mocks and teases her (B14). Again we see
him dismissing her needs and feelings. He continues on with his reckless
driving and in attempt to ignore Jane, he turns on the radio, leaving her
feeling inadequate and hurt. Scene three takes place in the couple’s bedroom.
They haven’t spoken since they arrived home and Brent suggests they have sex.
When he makes a move, Jane dismisses his attempt which fuels another argument.
It is common in the male dominance phase for the man to expect sex. It doesn’t
matter to him if she doesn’t feel like it because she’s not mentally intimate with
him. Evidence of this is in line B18 where Brent is clearly confused why Jane
isn’t advancing his sexual offer. When she expresses her feelings to him, he
shuts it down and blames her feelings on her, telling her she holds onto
“worthless shit” (B21). He also makes Jane feel guilty by saying she deprives
him of sex (B22), indicating she is not a good wife and doesn’t fulfill her
wifely duties. Jane finally has enough of his verbal abuse and leaves the room,
ending the dialogue.
In order to strengthen the male
dominant dialogue it’s important to show Jane not fighting back when Brent
orders her around. A lot of scene 1 is her fighting back and making comments
such as “as if I don’t work hard” in line J7. A woman in the male dominant
phase never challenges her man’s authority or expresses her feelings outwardly.
We could have also included a phone call scene in which Jane’s friend calls her
so she can vent and outwardly express her feelings to show the audience she
hates how he treats her, since she is not allowed to in front of Brent.
EQITY
COUPLE DIALOGUE
SCENE 1: Henry is sitting on the living room couch
watching T.V. while
Nancy1: “So you
know honey, my dad’s 50th birthday is in two weeks and my mom and I
are planning on throwing him a surprise party in our back yard!” (She continues
to stir the soup she is preparing for dinner, as she looks at him awaiting his
response)
Henry1: (looks away
from the boxing match he is watching on T.V. for a second and frowns at her)
“Why do you guys have to throw the party in OUR back yard? Why not at your parents’ house?”
Nancy2: “What is
wrong with throwing the party here?” (She starts to get upset)
Henry2: “Well I
don’t see the purpose of having it here if your parents have a backyard they
can use!”
Nancy3: “What is
your problem?”
Henry3: “What are
you talking about?” (He has once again turned his attention to the match on
T.V.)
Nancy4: “Why don’t
you want my family to celebrate my father’s birthday in our back yard? I
suggested it to my mom, so I can help her with the decorations and the cooking
and so she wouldn’t have to worry about the clean up. Plus we have more room in
our back yard!”
Henry4: “So why can’t they have it at your parent’s
house again?”
Nancy5: (Clearly
upset and raising her voice) “You are really starting to piss me off! Are you
even listening to me? This is important and all you can do is stare at the damn TV. like a zombie”
Henry5: “I just
think its better if they have it at your parent’s house, because then I don’t
have to go!”
Nancy6: (She is obviously appalled at his response “I
can’t believe you just said that! I know you don’t like being around my parents
that much but it’s my dad’s 50th birthday and you can’t even show
the slightest bit of respect” (she is on the verge of tears)
Henry6: (He turns
his full attention to her and puts the TV. on mute) “Listen, I am sorry I guess
I was just being selfish, we can have the party here, but only if I can throw
my co worker’s party here the following week”
Nancy7: “That’s
fine, but I am still upset. I can’t believe you could be so rude and senseless
sometimes”
Henry7: “I know
honey, I’m sorry; I guess my selfishness just gets the best of me sometimes. We
are still on for tonight after dinner right?” (He smiles and winks at her)
Nancy8: “Hell NO! Sorry
doesn’t fix anything babe, you blew it for tonight and for tomorrow night, and that’s
right the night after that too” (She serves dinner)
Henry8: “Ok, ok I
get it” (He looks like his pet just got run over by a car as he begins to eat
his supper)
SCENE 2: It’s the following day and
Nancy9: “Hey babe
I’m home”
Henry9: (looks away
from the TV. for a sec) “Oh, hey hun, how was work?”
Nancy10: “It was ok
I guess, same old! How was your day?”(She walks over to the kitchen to get a
glass of water)
Henry10: “It was
fine” (His attention is back on the TV.)
Nancy11: “Babe what
is that smell?” (She looks at the sink full of dishes, she than checks under
it, and sees that the trashcan is full of trash)
Henry11: “What
smell?”
Nancy12: (really
angry) “What the hell, you have not washed the dishes, or thrown away the trash
from last night. It stinks in our kitchen! Don’t you care?”
Henry12: “Oh babe,
it’s not that bad; I’ll do it as soon as the game’s over” (He focuses his
attention intensely on the basket ball game on TV.)
Nancy13: (Walks
over to him, snaps the remote from his hand and shuts the TV. off) “You are not
going to do it later; you are going to do it now! Do you hear me saying oh, ok
babe I’ll cook dinner when my movie is over? No, I don’t say that I cook as
soon as I get home, because I know you are hungry. I care about the way you
feel and you need to care about the way I feel or this is not going to work”
Henry13: “You are
such a drama queen! I said I will do it when the game is over, it doesn’t even
smell, it’s all in your head, now give me back the remote” (he reaches to take it
out of her hand but she pulls back, so he is unable to take it back)
Nancy14: “NO! We
talked about this. I cook; you wash the dishes and take out the trash. You dot
the laundry and I fold it and put it away! CAPISH! Now do what you said
you would, and I better not hear you call me a drama queen again” (She puts the
remote on the coffee table and goes in the other room to change)
Henry14: (takes the
remote and turns the TV. on once again) “Drama Queen” (he says this under his
breath so she doesn’t hear him.)
Nancy15: (returns
from the bedroom two minutes later to find Henry watching TV. again)
“Why do you insist
on making me angry? Don’t you care about my feelings anymore?”(She begins to
cry)
Henry15: “Why are
you overreacting? Are you on your period or something? I said I’ll do the
dishes and take away the trash in a little bit what’s the big deal?”
Nancy16: (still
really upset) “You are heartless, and the big deal is that you don’t put me and
my feelings first, all you care about is YOU, YOU, YOU!”
Henry16: “I’ll do
the dishes now, ok, and I’ll throw away the trash, sorry I that I didn’t do it
sooner and sorry I upset you. Do you forgive me?”
Nancy17: “This is
not going to get fixed that fast buddy; I am going to need to see persistency.
I do my fair share, and you need to do yours. I always put your feelings into
consideration first, and you need to do the same with me, if you want this
relationship to work. I mean I thought we agreed on sharing all the duties and
everything else in our relationship equally?”
Henry17: “Yes baby
you’re right, I’m sorry.” (He leans in to kiss her, bit she moves away, so he
goes over to the kitchen and begins his chores.
SCENE 3: Nancy and Henry are at a restaurant, Henry
has decided that he needs to make it up to her for the past couple of days, so
he had planned this nice romantic dinner at their favorite restaurant, and he
has also bought her flowers.
Nancy18: “Thanks
for all this baby its beautiful, but remember that these gifts won’t be able to
buy your way out of things!”
Henry18: “I know, I
know, there are other ways I plan to make it up to you tonight!”(He smiles and
winks at her across the table)
Nancy19: “I don’t
know babe, we’ll see”
Henry19: “What do
you mean we’ll see baby?” (He seems to be getting a little upset)
Nancy20: “I just
said we’ll see now stop talking about it and let’s enjoy our dinner”
Henry20: “You know
we haven’t made love in about a WEEK!”
Nancy21: “yeah, so what
are you trying to say, I can’t possibly feel like making love to someone who
could care less about my feelings”
Henry21: “here we go again; you know that I care about your feelings”
Nancy22: “well than
you need to show me more often, and you need to start paying attention to me
the way you used to, I mean you are always watching TV. even when I have
important things to discuss with you”
Henry22: “So you
want me to stop watching TV. and then we can make love?”
Nancy23: “That is
not what I said, do you see what I mean about you listening and showing that
you care? I mean I think this table understood me better!”
Henry23: “are you
calling me stupid now?”
Nancy24: “No, I am not calling you stupid, I just think you need to really
listen and actually care when I talk”
Henry24: “Ok, ok, I
get it, now can we please just stop this and enjoy our dinner. Sorry again if I
upset you ok baby?”
Nancy25: “Yeah, ok
and sorry that you thought I called you stupid” (She shakes her head thinking
he will never understand her and she fears that this will once again cause her
to withhold herself from making love, making their relationship even worse)
Henry25: “Oh,
that’s ok babe!” (He smiles and winks again)
Nancy26: (Fakes a
smile back)
In the equity
phase, Henry and Nancy fight and argue for themselves. They both attempt to get
more out of the relationship than they put in. Even in this equity phase,
The equity model of marriage show
the couple going through stages of peace and war, Nancy and Henry definitely
show this is the dialogue. However it seems as if in every scene Henry is
realizing his wrong and automatically apologizing, which may seem like the
unity model. What is different though is the sincerity that comes with the
apology and Henry shows none. But, in the equity phase it is important for the
woman to put out the fire as well, and show no resolution. In scenes one and
two, they fight; Henry apologizes and does what was asked of him in the first
place. Many times in this phase nothing gets solved and both sides are left
unsatisfied.
Unity Model Dialogue:
SCENE1: Anthony and Charity are in a Woman Centered Marriage,
preparing a surprise party for Anthony’s co-worker. They are at home and
Charity is walking around their living room picking up trash and dusting
furniture. Anthony is on the couch slouching and watching T.V. Charity looks at
him sitting there.
C1: (Calmly) “Hey
babe, can you help me wash the dishes?”
A1: (Carelessly)
“Oh, ok, I’ll do it in about an hour, after I take a nap.”
C2: (Starting to
freak out) “Well I need to start preparing the meals and I need clean dishes!”
A2: (Sarcastically)
“Oh poor baby… don’t worry daddy will take care of you.”
C3: (Very irritated
as she continues to pick up around the living room) “I don’t need you to take
care of me; I need you to take care of the dishes. I can’t be expected to do
everything on my own!”
A3: (He sits up on
the couch, looks at her, and says gently and sincerely) “Alright baby, what do
you need? What do you need help with?”
SCENE2:
C4: “I need you to
start washing the dishes.”
A4: “Ok, baby.”
Anthony gets up and walks to the kitchen. He
opens the fridge and looks for something to eat.
C5: (Irritated)
“What are you doing?”
Anthony puts a hot pocket in the microwave
and turns around.
A5: “What does it
look like I’m doing?”
C6: “You are such
an ass! I asked you to wash the dishes, what part of that don’t you
understand?”
A6: “Babe, I said I
would, I just need some energy first.”
C7: “Don’t you
think I need energy, that I need food? But no, you don’t think about that!”
A7: “I’m sorry, I
made you one too! Look!”
C8: (She smiles)
“When will you wash the dishes?”
A8: “Now.”
Anthony stuffs the hot picket in his mouth,
smiles, and hands her the other one and starts to wash the dishes, while she
sits down and enjoys her hot pocket.
SCENE3: Back in the living room, Charity is happy that her husband
has washed the dishes and that was able to take a short break. She is hanging
streamers around the living room.”
C9: “OK, since you
finished the dishes can you pick up some of the food I ordered from Bucas? It should be ready by 4 and on the way there, I need
you to stop by Wal-Mart and pick up balloons, paper cups, and paper plates. Oh
and I also need more streamers, napkins, and ice.”
A9: (Sarcastic)
“So…. Basically you want me to buy the entire store. Do you expect me to
remember all of this?”
C10: (Sassily) “No
honey, I took the time to write it all out for you. Here is the list. Oh and
call me when you get there just in case I think of anything else.” (she continues to
work around the living room)
Anthony sits back on the couch in a
comfortable position.
A10: “Okay, I’ll go
take my nap now and I’ll do it when I wake up.”
C11: (Annoyed, she
stops what she is doing) “Are you serious? I’m trying to make everything
perfect for your co-worker and you can’t even take this seriously!”
A11: (He sits up
immediately and looks at her with an expression of love) “Alright, alright…
I’ll go now but I’ll be drinking some extra beers tonight so don’t take
advantage of me ok?” (He smiles)
C12: (Laughing)
“Ok, I’ll try not to.. oh and don’t forget to call me when you get to the store!”
A12: “Don’t worry, I love you
too much to forget.”
Charity stops before she completely exits
the living room, smiles, and blows him a kiss. Anthony catches the kiss and
puts it in his pocket.
SCENE4: After the
party, Anthony and Charity have finished cleaning up together and they sit at
the dinner table. She has a glass of wine and he is drinking his last beer.
C13: “So that went
real well, don’t you think baby?”
A13: “Yeah, I
thought so. You did a great job with the decorations! The salads and desserts
were phenomenal.”
C14: “Thanks
honey.”
Charity smiles and continues drinking her
wine. As Anthony finishes his last beer, he gets up and picks up the huge trash
bags to take them outside.
A14: “I’ll be in
bed as soon as I get done with this.” (He winks at her)
C15: “I’m SOO
taking advantage of you.” (Smiles)
Even in the unity
model of marriage, disagreement will arise. How the couple handles their
argument, regarding what phase they are in usually determines the intensity of
the argument. In the Unity model, the man needs to realize it is him that needs
to stop the argument and most importantly, the trust must never be scratched.
The man in this model must try to adjust his thinking and behavior to make his
wife happy and agree with her. He must realize that everything she suggests is
an attempt to build their unity. Here Anthony and Charity are planning a
surprise party for Anthony’s co-worker at their house. The scene opens as
Charity is hurry around the house, cleaning and preparing for the party as
Anthony sits on the couch relaxing. When Charity asks for help washing the
dishes in C1, Anthony continues on watching TV and replies carelessly that he
will do it later. When she starts to panic and freak out in C2, he
sarcastically teases her in line A2 by saying “Aww
poor baby, daddy will take care of you.” In the unity model the man is expected
to do what is asked of him in order to make his wife happy, but by speaking
sarcastically to Charity, Anthony made her irritated as shown in C3. However,
he caught himself very quickly in A3 and sincerely offers his help to her. Like
previously stated, fights will happen even in the unity model but unlike the
past two models, now the man catches himself and adjusts his thinking to make
his wife happy. Anthony demonstrates this by seeing his wife, irritated
(because of his actions) and offers to help with whatever she needs, in a
sincere manner. This time when Charity asks for help washing the dishes, Anthony
complies and doesn’t even put up a fight. In scene 2, another fight happens
after Charity sees Anthony slacking off and making himself food, instead of
doing what she asked. She gets angry, seen in C6 and confronts him about it.
After expressing her feelings, Anthony quickly apologizes and explains to
Charity he made her a snack too. The scene ends with Anthony hard at work
washing the dishes as Charity enjoys the snack Anthony made her. In this Unity
Model the man is constantly thinking about ways to please his wife. As oppose
to the male dominance phase, where the man only focuses on himself, men in the
unity model focus on their wives needs above their own. Anthony shows this by
making Charity a snack and giving her a break from all the preparing as he
takes over. In the beginning of scene three, Charity asks Anthony if he could
pick up some things she needs for the party, he accepts but only after he takes
a nap. He once again sees he is irritating his wife and attentively comes to
her rescue. He sacrifices his own wants for the needs and wants of his wife.
Many men are often annoyed by the request “call me when you get there”, from
their wives because they feel as if they have been stripped of their
independence. However being in the unity model, Anthony always wants to please
his wife and does as he is told, with an expression of love (A12). The end of
scene three, Charity and Anthony engage in “sweetheart” rituals as the blow
kisses at each other. The last scene shows the couple sitting around after the
successful party. Anthony compliments Charity’s decorations and cooking, which
really flatters her.
There are some instances in the
dialogue where Charity and Anthony are not speaking to each other as
“sweethearts”. Instead she raises her voice at him and he acts sarcastically to
her, in order to strengthen these scenes, Charity and Anthony need to act more
loving towards one another. I think this dialogue did a good job expresses the
fact that arguments will happen in the unity model, but it’s the job of the man
to quickly catch himself and end the scuffle, as well as making everything
better.
PART
IV: YOUTUBE VIDEOS.
This is the trailer for the movie "The stepford wives". Joanna
Eberhart, a successful TV executive loses her job and suffers a mental
breakdown. Her husband, Walter then moves her and their two children to
There has always been
controversy when discussing Disney movies. The first video shows masculinity
and sexism in a few Disney movies. The first scene I noticed was taken from the
“Emperor’s New Groove”. Emperor Kuzco walks down the
line of woman, critiquing and insulting them in the process as if they are just
objects. They then go onto discuss in majority of Disney movies there is a
prince who recues his princess, evidence of male dominance. In the Mulan clip, the men explain exactly what they want their
women to be like; someone who will marvel at her husband’s strength and cooks
well. As a child I bet many of us never realized the message Disney was
portraying, especially of women. The second video describes how all the Disney
princesses are tall, thin, and physically attractive with tiny waists. Disney
also portrays the idea that girls should love to clean, as seen in Snow White
as she “whistles while she works”.
Pocahontas, Ariel from “The Little Mermaid”, and Jasmine from “Aladdin”,
in their respective movies are seen being controlled by their fathers. Both
Pocahontas and Jasmine are required to have arranged marriages with men their
fathers choose, while Ariel’s father forbids her from her own free will.
Lastly, as shown in Aladdin, the Disney princesses often use their sex appeal
and charm to get what they want from men.
3. Everybody Loves Raymond: The
Bathroom Fight
Everybody Loves
Raymond is a television with constant husband and wife bickering between Ray
and Debra. In this scene, they are fighting over their bathroom space and each
others annoying habits. Ray then calls out Debra on her “sneeze” and how she
tries to control everything, including him. By watching their fight it is
apparent that they are in the equity phase, both criticize each other, call
each other names, tease each other, and negotiate for themselves. Raymond even
admits in the beginning of the clip that he gave her the bathroom because he
was “trying to be nice”. The fight then escalates with Raymond yelling at Debra
to get out of the bathroom, she refuses and fires right back, trying to kick
him out of the bathroom. We know they aren’t in the male dominance model
because she is fighting back, not just complying with his every criticism and
demand. Things get more intense when Debra grabs the showerhead and sprays her
husband with it. They fight for control over the showerhead and finally
compromise to stop the spraying, until Raymond feels the need to “win” and
sprays her again. As typical in the equity phase, the couple is always
competing with each other. The fight ends with another compromise and they soon
realize how silly their fight was, even working together to team up against
their children.
“A Walk to
Remember” trailer quickly show and demonstrate the three models of marriage.
Jamie and Landon start off in the male dominance model, with him not respecting
her and holding onto his own independence. He disrespects her in front of his
friends, ignoring her and embarrassing her. However, an unexpected romance
between them buds when they are forced to work together. Landon starts falling
for Jamie, but quickly regresses back to the male dominance phase when his
friends don’t approve. As time progresses, Landon admits to Jamie how much he
has missed her and they start spending a lot of time together, both upsetting
his friends and her father. They don’t spend much time in the equity phase, but
it is demonstrated in one of their fights, both arguing about who needs to do
what and showing it’s normal to fight as long as they make up. heir love for one another grows stronger as she tells him
the list of things she wants to accomplish. He becomes selfless and helps her
fulfill each thing one at a time. Landon even protects Jamie, when his friends
pull a prank on her, proving how much she means to him. In the unity model, a
man’s friends never come before his woman, unlike the male dominance and equity
model. He is constantly performing “sweetheart rituals” for her, taking
interest in her hobbies. Soon Jamie discovers she has leukemia and quickly
becomes ill, Landon never leaves her side while she is in the hospital. When
she moves back home, he works day and night building her a telescope to view a
star she’s been waiting to see for months, to surprise her. He also fulfills
her number one goal in life- to marry in the church her parents got married in.
When Jamie passes away, Landon doesn’t remarry; he knows Jamie is still with
him.
When typing
“relationships” into the search bar on YouTube, this is the first video you’ll
get. Chris Rock is one of the most popular comedians in today’s media. He tells
his audience “it’s all about her” and that the man should always say “yes” to
his woman. Try your best to make her happy is the number one advice he gives
men, but goes onto say it’s impossible to make a woman happy and she’ll find
anything to complain about. This video portrays the equity model because the
man is doing what she wants him to do, so she stops complaining and bothering
him. He doesn’t really care about making her happy, he is negotiating for
himself.
6. The Notebook
Every girl swoons
at the love Noah and Allie shared in “The Notebook”. Although they fight and he
sometimes raises his voice, Noah is quick to catch himself and apologize and
make up. He also does anything to make Allie happy, he submits to what she
wants. They spend a lot of time together, engaging in activities each other
takes interest in, while he also performs “sweetheart rituals”. He looks after
her feelings and lets her rely on him, even after years of separation; they
come back to each other and love each other fully. In the end of the movie and
in their old age, we see the unity model. Even though Allie now has Alzheimer’s
disease, Noah reads to her everyday so she is able to remember. At the end,
when they pass away together, they are the conjoined self.
7. The OC
This scene from The
OC shows the equity model between Seth and Summer.
Seth wants to be acknowledged in public by her, but all Summer
wants is to engage in sexual activity. This is the equity model because they
are both arguing and negotiating with each other for something they want. They
are always competing and don’t want to be the one who “gives in” first. Summer
is also using sexual blackmail on Seth, trying seducing him into getting what
she wants. In the end, they compromise and Summer
decides to acknowledge Seth in school.
Naggin, by the Ying Yang Twins is a music video that is seen through the
male dominance perspective. It's no secret the number one annoyance men have with
women is their constant "nagging". Men consider it
"nagging" when their wives ask them to do something (like a simple
household chore) more than once, even if he chose to ignore her request.
However, through the Unity Model of Marriage, we know that the husband should
submit to his wife's requests, because she is always thinking of ways to built
unity. Women also get criticized for nagging when they are expressing their
feelings to their men. In the male dominance and equity phase the men do not
care about their woman's feelings and say she's "nagging" when he
doesn't want to hear her anymore. When a man says his woman is
"nagging", she feels guilty, for asking for help and hurt or taken
for granted. These men are not able to understand this perspective because they
have not yet been enlightened and adopted this view as their own, so instead
they degrade women with crude words. This video covers many issues found in the
male dominance phase. "A lil' more grip a lil' less lip before I pack my bag on you ass and dip/ At
the point of no return and you made it that way by the shit that you say every mothafuckin day/ Hope you paying attention 'cause I gots to mention/ Dissin' me in
front of your friends/ Tryin' to get a lil' laugh in your crack in/ Nigga
wanna woop ya ass then." In this selection alone we see how a
man in the male dominance phase talks to his woman, using degrading terms and
harsh words. We also see him threaten her with the possibility of leaving if
she doesn't comply to him. More importantly he puts
the blame on her, saying it's her fault if he leaves. The selection ends with
him wanting to get physical and hurt her physically.
9. Dr. Laura: Women responsible
for cheating husbands
This video is an
interview with Dr. Laura Schlessinger about cheating husbands. Dr. Laura
ultimately blames the wife for her husband commits adultery, unless he is a
jerk. She says the woman mistreats her husband by ignoring his needs, or the
feelings, personally or sexually to make him feel like a man or a success.
According to Dr. Laura if a man cheats, he is just feeding himself where he is
starving. Though the responsibility of the act of cheating is the husband’s,
the responsibility of mistreat falls on the wife. She then talks about a
conversation she had with an ex-call girl saying of all the married men that
come to her, rarely is it to have sex, most of the time it’s to have the
attention of a woman. Dr. Laura operates from the male dominance model and
believes the woman should do whatever she can to make her husband happy. If he
is hungry, she should stop whatever she is doing to make him a meal, and if he
wants sex, he should get it.
The trailer of
“What Happens in Vegas” portrays the equity model. Two strangers, Joy and Jack
meet and get married in Vegas. They decided it was mistake and needed to get a
divorce as soon as possible. After they win the jackpot, the divorce judge
orders them to live together as a married couple for six months, or else
neither of them would get the money. At first they despise each other and drive
each other crazy. Neither of them prevails while they fight for equality, and
neither if truly fulfilled. There is a scene in the movie where Joy invites
Jack’s parents over for dinner, not knowing their marriage was a drunken
mistake. She threatens to tell them the truth, however Jack proposes a deal. If
she doesn’t tell his parents about the drunken wedding, he’ll put the toilet
seat down all the time. In the equity model, the couple is constantly
negotiating which each other.
PART
V: TRUST ME! ADVICE FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS.
I can’t even begin
to explain how intimidated I was walking into Pscyh409 on the first day. I can
tell you it was a combination of the small class (indicating there was public
speaking involved) and the fact I had NO idea what love is, let alone the Unity
Model of Marriage. I won’t lie the first couple weeks were shaky, especially
getting acquainted with the lecture notes and alternating my way of thinking to
truly understanding them. Things like the “threefold self” and
“hellish/heavenly loves” blew my mind and I was starting to wonder if I was
ever going to successfully grasp these concepts. I had an easier time with the
three books and finished them in the first three weeks, not because I’m a super
geek with no life, but because I wanted to get a better understanding of what I
was getting myself into (plus the books were addicting and helped me better
understand my boyfriend, which is always a PLUS). I started looking forward to
class (for real!) to further my knowledge and see what my classmate’s views
were. The discussions were really the best part of each class, seeing how
different views arose from the same topic; especially explaining to the men of
the class, the women way of thinking, which to my surprise made a lot of sense
to them. Having these debates gave both sexes a better understanding of each
other which is the first step in the unity model of marriage.
I can honestly say
this is the most a class has altered my way of thinking. When first presented
with the Swedenborg reports, I didn’t know how to react (and by the puzzlement
on my classmate’s faces, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one). I still don’t know
exactly how I feel about the reports, but now after lots of lecturing and
discussing I find myself agreeing with a lot of the concepts in the text. I
find it fascinating how such abstract thinking can make such simple sense. In
similar ways, at first I couldn’t get my head around the three models of
marriage. I didn’t see differences in any couple while comparing them to the
three models at first. My thinking was, every couple fights, it just depends on
the couple as individuals and their fighting style, how long and intense the
fight will last. For a long time, I thought some girls were just “lucky”, you
know the ones with the perfect boyfriend who says the right things at all the
right times and never fails to make everything better. I thought guys were
either sweeties or jerks. Now I have a little more faith knowing men go through
these models and it may take them a while to realize and become “enlightened”.
It wasn’t until I finished all three books where I found myself fighting with
Dr. Laura and cheering when after all these years somebody understood
me—Barbara DeAngellis. Reading these books and
creating soap scenes were extremely beneficial to me in order to understand the
models correctly. It’s hard to grasp each model fully just by reading the notes
especially when there are so many gray areas. Reading the books put it into
real life perspective, especially when seeing how two best-selling doctors have
two very different views on the same situation. Now, every time I watch a
television show or movie, I find myself figuring which model the couple is in.
The soap scenes were similar to the books in which every group had the same
problem, but the outcomes were extremely different. The models also helped me
understand the opposite sex in relationships better, and now I have a group of
guy friends who run to me for help whenever their relationship is turning sour!
There is no doubt
in my mind that these models will affect my future, because they have already.
I think if everybody learns about the unity model that is something they are
going strive for. I mean, why settle for anything less? I feel as if I couldn’t
have made a better decision by picking this class. It has altered my thinking
for the better and given me a deeper understanding of spiritual relationships,
something I want to strive for.
I’m going to share
with you THREE secrets in order to get the most out of this class and get the
best possible grade on this report.
1. Always keep an
open mind and participate. The first couple of weeks are rough trying to
understand the unity model and especially the lecture notes. But further along
you’ll start to see proof of the three models everywhere you look, from the
media to everyday life. I mean, we’re human beings, nobody agrees on
everything, but if you’re able to look past all your judgments and
disagreements, I’m positive you’ll learn an important value. Like I previously
said, the thought of public speaking on a subject I had NO idea about, terrified
me. But, this class is nothing to be scared of; everyone is on the same
starting block. Believe it or not, a combination of the soap scenes and the
lecture note presentations improved my public speaking. So I will say it again,
participation is key!!! Asking
questions and making sure your views are heard during debates will give
everyone a deeper understanding of the topic.
2. Do the ALL the
readings beforehand and take notes on every discussion in class! The readings
play a major role in class, especially in the presentations. You’re not going
to fully understand a topic by just skimming the section; highlight, take
notes, reread sections, and fully understand the dialogue in the books. Trust
me, do these things and when it comes down to crunch time you won’t have to
scramble to find info, because like a good student you prepared ahead of time.
Every discussion has a hundred good points, so soak up as much of it as you
can. Everyone has different perspectives on a topic and I promise you will
leave with twice the amount of information if you listen and take into
consideration everything that’s said.
3. I realize you’ll
read the phrase “Don’t procrastinate” over and over again, and probably dismiss
it, like I did. However, realize everybody advices it not because it’s the
easiest advice you can give a person, but because it’s important! Trust me;
you’re not going to bang out twenty detailed pages in a week (or day for all I
know). Start early! Finish Early! You’ll save yourself many sleepless nights
and a load of stress.
Okay, so they
weren’t really secrets. But TRUST ME, if you follow these three simple
“secrets” this final report won’t seem so intimidating, and as sad as it may
sound you’ll actually enjoy going to class.
PART VI:
REFERENCES.
De Angelis, Barbara (2001). What Women Want Men to Know
Schlessinger, Laura (2007). The Proper Care and Feeding of
Marriage.
Tannen, Deborah (2001).You
Just Don’t Understand.
