Course: Psychology 459 University of Hawaii, Spring 2009, G29

Instructor: Dr. Leon James: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/leon.html

Instructions for this Report: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy29/409b-g29-report.htm

Student Author: Mailly Lopes

Part I: The Unity Model of Marriage

(Word Count: 1,719)

The Unity model of marriage is a theory by Dr. Leon James that describes the ultimate goal for all couples is to achieve a constant level of connection as defined by the Unity Model. Women have an innate tendency to strive for this connection with their partner, but men have an innate tendency to resist this level of intimacy. In order to truly understand Dr. James’ theory, one must first understand how it was developed. The Unity Model of Marriage is based on the Swedenborg Reports, which is an accumulation of observations and reports conducted in the 18^th century by Emanuel Swedenborg, a Swedish scientist. Emanuel Swedenborg was able to become conscious in his spiritual mind and his natural mind simultaneously, allowing him to observe and report in both worlds, the physical world of time and the mental world of eternity. The Unity Model also requires a positive bias approach to logic, meaning that one must accept the possibility that a spiritual world exists, also known as dualism, and that humans are immortal in the spiritual world.

Since the Unity Model is based on the research of Emanuel Swedenborg, I will first describe the required information from the Swedenborg Reports that allows one to fully understand Dr. James’ Unity Model. In reference to the figure illustrating the 12 Layers of Mental Anatomy (in successive order), layers 4, 5, and 6 represent the spiritual mind and layers 7, 8, and 9 represent the natural mind. The afterlife in eternity is experienced through the spiritual mind; and our consciousness here in the physical world is experienced through the natural mind. Most of the Unity Model covers the natural mind because the Unity Model describes how a couple conjoins in the physical world in order to achieve the highest level of human consciousness, also known as the Unity Model (layer 7).

The Unity Model focuses on three levels of consciousness in the natural mind (layers 7, 8, and 9). Each level of consciousness has its own mentality which is characterized by 3 interactive organs called: affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor. The affective organ is ones loves, values, and morals. The cognitive organ involves one’s intelligence, logic, and thoughts. The sensorimotor organ includes ones sensations. Keep in mind that our Mental Anatomy in the spiritual world reflects our physical anatomy in the physical world, so it entails complex interactive systems. Just as the physical anatomy of men and women differ in the physical world, the mental anatomy of men and women differ in the spiritual world. The difference in the mental anatomy of men and women results in the difference of how each approaches the physical world. Women approach the world through their affective organ, while men approach the world through their cognitive organ. Furthermore, each level of consciousness in the natural mind (layers 7, 8, and 9) refers to a relationship phase of the Unity Model. The interaction between the affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor organs in each layer create a mentality in which behavior is exhibited. The Unity Model explains the dynamic of a marriage or exclusive romantic relationship according to the mentality in which the man is in. Layer 7 is the mentality required to achieve Unity. Layer 8 is the mentality in which the Equity Model exists. Layer 9 is the mentality that results in the Male-Dominance Model.

The physical world in which we live today is described as a man’s world. Society is structured by men and for men. This is reflected by society’s traditions, values, and design. Men are born into this physical world and through the process of socialization are taught by society to adopt the male-dominant mentality (layer 9), which comes natural to men because the male-dominant mentality encourages men’s innate tendency to value intelligence, competition, dominance, and control. Women are also born into the physical world and socialized into adapting the male-dominant mentality by accepting their inferiority to men, being sexually exploited, and accepting their duties, but women cannot suppress their innate tendency to conjoin with a partner and to love, be intimate, and nurture. In a Male Dominant Model marriage the woman’s loves are being ignored. Women who are in a relationship that is Male Dominant are being exploited. The woman is giving all of herself in ensuring that her husband is kept happy and that all of his feelings are being met while her own feelings are overlooked by her husband. If the woman tries to address the fact that her needs aren’t being met in the relationship, the man will insult her, ignore her, make her feel guilty, or simply walk away. The fight, flight, or freeze reaction of the husband leaves the woman in a helpless position in which she has no power or say in the relationship. An example of how a man (who is in the Male dominant Model) would insult his wife who is attempting to address the lack of fulfillment she feels in the relationship is by calling her a nag, or a bitch, or too emotional. A man could also simply ignore her or devalue her by using examples of the sporadic occasions in which his behavior was somewhat affectionate. Men in the Male dominant Model induce guilt onto their wives by reminding their wives that they work and make money; therefore the woman is expected to cook, clean, take care of the kids, run errands, and have sex with her husband. Ultimately, a woman’s needs are not being considered in a Male Dominant marriage and the woman is not being appreciated. The woman is craving intimacy with her husband while her husband is resisting intimacy and holding on to his independence.

However, there is hope for the men who are stuck in the male-dominant mentality. Human beings strive to grow and improve. Human beings never stay the same over time, as people gain information and grow, their mentality evolves. As a relationship grows, the man may potentially mature and evolve his mentality into including new values such as equality and fairness which would lead him into adopting the equity model. In the equity model the man begins to recognize that he is being unfair to his wife. He begins to realize how he hurts her and disrespects her when he behaves according to the male-dominant mentality. His guilt and his desire to be an honorable man who does not abuse women and take advantage of women causes him to attempt to establish equality in the relationship. He then begins to acknowledge the things that she does for him and in return he begins to do things for her. The equity model may sound appealing in theory, however it simply does not work, because it leaves both, husband and wife, unsatisfied. They begin to fight a lot to maintain equity. Instead of the man and the woman each giving 100% of themselves to each other; an equity couple is trying to meet each other at a 50% level of effort. This idea of giving 50%-50% usually leaves both partners unsatisfied. They are constantly in a power struggle in which the man allows the woman to have some power, but not too much, because he still wants to hold onto his independence. The man continues to resist inter-dependence with his wife. This causes them to look out for themselves in the relationship and argue all the time about who’s putting in the most effort, instead of them looking out for each other. The woman wants more; she wants to be able to give all of herself and her love to the man, however the man continues to resist by attempting to maintain equity.

Unity is possible only if you are a dualist, and believe that you are immortal and that there is an afterlife. Must believe that you can achieve true unity. Be a conjoined self and achieve a greater level life. The conjoined self can do things that others can’t do. You cannot achieve heaven as a single person or an external marriage. It is about being self-less rather than selfish. A husband in the Unity Model wakes up every day and thinks to himself, how can I make my wife’s day better.

In the Unity Model of marriage there’s no room for selfishness. Each partner is completely devoted to the happiness of the other, and each other’s happiness is dependent on the happiness of the other. Neither man nor woman would ever intentionally behave in a way that would hurt or disrespect the other, regardless if the other is present. The man is honestly trying to be sensitive and aware to the woman’s needs. He always appreciates her efforts to help him and to participate in his life. The husband is no longer trying to maintain his independence, but instead, he embraces his interdependence with his wife. The man and wife are unified mentally, spiritually, and physically. They share the same likes and dislikes. He loves what she loves. For example, he loves to shop with her because she loves to shop and he loves to do what she loves with her. The wife is always the main priority of the husband. He puts nobody and nothing above her, not even his friends, family, hobbies, or career. He helps cook, clean, take care of the children, run errands, do laundry, and anything else that would make her day easier. He does not help her out of a sense of duty or obligation or guilt, but instead he helps her because he loves her and wants to relieve her stress and keep her happy. His happiness directly depends on her happiness. He cannot be happy knowing that she is in a state of distress. Their mental interdependence results in conjugial love.

The Threefold-self Approach to Achieving Conjugial Love

Unity	Affective	love, conjunction, unity, peacefulness, altruism, romance, self-sacrifice, communication, interdependence, intimacy, compassion, receptiveness, cooperation, eternity
	Cognitive	Consideration, Appreciation, Understanding, Admiration, Dedication
	Sensorimotor	Conjunctive and sexy conversational style, relieve stress of your partner, Sweetheart rituals
Equity	Affective	Competition, independence, freedom from obligation
	Cognitive	Equality, fairness, Egalitarianism
	Sensorimotor	Negotiation, Argument, Disjunctive and unsexy conversational style
Male Dominant	Affective	Competition, domination, independence, freedom from obligation, tradition
	Cognitive	Thinks that men are superior and that women are inferior
	Sensorimotor	Disjunctive and unsexy conversational style, neglect partner's emotional needs, tell lies, have secrets

Part II: Male Dominant, Equity, and Unity Model in Pop-Literature

(Word Count: 1,702)

“I recently received this e-mail from Michelle:

“It seems like your book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands should have been titled Have Sex With Your Husband…so he won’t leave you; so he’ll pay attention to the kids; so he’ll fix the bathtub; so he’ll buy you something nice. I’ve heard it all on your show. It makes me very sad. It sounds like marriage is a lot like prostitution, using sex to get something to have power. No woman should have to get it on all the time so her husband will participate in the family. There is so much more to life than getting naked and doin’ it.”

I emailed her back: “Prostitution is receiving money for anonymous sex. Marital sex is about love and bonding.”

Some women expected to be cherished, protected, and provided by a man without enjoying the depth of passion that makes him feel loved, needed, wanted, adored, and ultimately accepted; that doesn’t work for long. A man needs the physical to feel connected emotionally to his woman, and by extension, the family. Any woman who dismisses that truth about her man will lose her man—even if he doesn’t walk out the door until the children are in college.”

-(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, page 44)

Dr. Laura’s book, The Proper Care and Feeing of Marriage, supports the mentality of the Male Dominant Model. Here, she is clearly endorsing the practice of sexual blackmail. As Michelle was attempting to explain in her e-mail, Dr. Laura tells women that they must have sex with their husbands in order to receive his attention and his help. Dr. Laura goes on to suggest that women are wrong to expect their man to love, adore, and appreciate them without giving their husband sex in return. This is obvious because Dr. Laura deliberately italicized the word, Expect, in order to imply that women shouldn’t expect love from their man without giving him anything in return. Dr. Laura goes on to state that men need sex to have an emotional connection with their wife and family. This statement is a perfect example of the layer 9 mentality (Male Dominant) which is also described as concrete materialism in the diagram of the 12 layers of mental anatomy. Dr. Laura is promoting sexual blackmail by telling women that the only way to emotionally connect with their husbands is through sex. This is clearly a concrete materialistic way of thinking that only considers the physical world. Therefore, by having sex with their husbands women are simply connecting with them physically and there is no mental connection between the husband and wife. Dr. Laura is not acknowledging the woman’s needs. She mentions nothing about how a man should establish and maintain mental intimacy with his wife. Insufficient mental intimacy interferes with a woman’s sexual drive. Instead of explaining to her readers and listeners that men damage the sex life in their marriages by resisting interdependence and by acting disjunctively, Dr. Laura ignores the needs of the woman and pressures her into having sex with her husband by threatening her with her biggest fear, which is abandonment from the man she loves and craves mental intimacy with. This is an example of the use of sexual blackmail in a Male Dominant marriage.

“I had one such call recently from a woman with two small children who wanted to know what she should do with her husband. It seems he’s told her that he needs more attention. It is difficult, with two small children and a trying day to always be sensitive and accommodating to one’s spouse; however, the spouse becomes hopeless when their plea is dismissed.

Try as I might, I couldn’t get through to her, She and I ended with this sad exchange:

Caller: Well, I need time for myself.

Dr. L: If you refuse to acknowledge his loving need for you, then—if he’s a decent man—when your youngest is eighteen, he’ll be gone—and you’ll have lots of time for yourself.

That relationship was going to hell.

-(Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, page 171)

Once again Dr. Laura is supporting the Male Dominant model by expecting the woman to take care of two small children and adhere to her husband’s demands, with no regard for the woman’s needs. She goes on to threaten the woman with her greatest fear, the fear of losing the man she loves. Instead of condemning the man for being selfish and recognizing that his wife is obviously exhausted from caring for their two young children, Dr. Laura condemns the woman for being selfish and not giving enough attention to the man. The man should have helped the woman and done everything in his power to reduce her daily stress so that they can have time together. Notice that the man told the woman that he needs more attention from her, which is disjunctive. He may have received a very different response had he expressed a desire to spend time together, which would’ve been a conjunctive approach. Dr. Laura could not help this woman because she promotes the Male Dominant model which ignores the woman’s perspective. Dr. Laura should have realized that the man was wrong to allow his beloved wife to be so stressed. The Male Dominant Model has no answer to the issue in which this woman has encountered because the Male Dominant model disregards the needs of a woman. Dr. Laura expects this woman to realize how selfish she is being and to give her husband the attention he demands. This will obviously leave the woman even more stressed and she will probably begin to resent her husband for ignoring her needs while demanding that his needs be met. According to the Male Dominant model and as Dr. Laura so brutally put it, if his needs are not met, he will leave. The Male Dominant model leaves the woman with no options when her needs aren’t met.

“A woman I will call Rebecca, who is generally quite happily married, told me that this is the one source of serious dissatisfaction with her husband, Stuart. Her term for his taciturnity is stinginess of spirit. She tells him what she is thinking, and he listens silently. She asks him what he is thinking, and he takes a long time to answer, “I don’t know.” In frustration she challenges, “Is there nothing on your mind?”

For Rebecca, who is accustomed to expressing her fleeting thoughts and opinions as they come to her, saying nothing means thinking nothing. But Stuart does not assume that his passing thoughts are worthy of utterance. He is not in the habit of uttering his fleeting ruminations, so just as Rebecca “naturally” speaks her thoughts, he “naturally” dismisses his as soon as they occur to him. Speaking them would give them more weight and significance than he feels they merit. All her life she has had practice in verbalizing her thoughts and feelings in private conversations with people she is close to; all his life he has had practice in dismissing his and keeping them to himself.”

-(Deborah Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand, page 83)

Deborah Tannen is a professor of linguistics and has studied the differences in which men and women use conversation. Here is an example of why the equity model does not work. Rebecca is quite happily married, but is still dissatisfied. Rebecca is attempting to conjoin her affective organ to Stuart’s cognitive organ so that they conjoin. A man and a woman conjoin when her affective organ conjoins to his cognitive organ and his affective organ conjoins to her cognitive organ; the result is their union into the conjoint self. For that reason, she wants to know what he is thinking, and he unknowingly resists. The Equity Model does not work because it does not account for the difference in the mental anatomy of men and women, which is clearly demonstrated in the differences in which men and women communicate. Therefore, even if a man and woman believe that they can make their marriage work by establishing equity and all the materialistic aspects of the marriage (such as the finances, domestic work, etc.) are accounted for; the woman will still be left unsatisfied, because the man must change the way he thinks (cognitive) and feels (affective) in order to truly conjoin with his wife. Rebecca wants to achieve mental intimacy with Stuart. Deborah Tannen explains that Rebecca has been practicing conjunction all her life while Stuart has been practicing disjunction all his life. Stuart must find the motivation to actively practice sharing his thoughts with his Rebecca in order for them to achieve Unity.

This next example demonstrates the universality of this issue.

“Women’s dissatisfaction with men’s silence at home is captured in the stock cartoon setting of a breakfast table at which a husband and wife are sitting: He’s reading a newspaper; she’s glaring at the back of the newspaper. In a Dagwood strip, Blondie complains, “Every morning all he sees is the newspaper! I’ll bet you don’t even know I’m here!” Dagwood reassures her, “Of course I know you’re here. You’re my wonderful wife and I love you very much.” With this, he unseeingly pats the paw of the family dog, which the wife has out in her place before leaving the room. The cartoon strip shows that Blondie is justified in feeling like the woman who wrote to Ann Landers: invisible.”

-(Deborah Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand, page 81)

Cartoons are funny because they demonstrate a scenario in which many people have experienced and can relate to. Many women are deeply hurt by their husband’s resistance towards mental intimacy. Meanwhile, many men are frustrated as to why their wives are so disappointed. This is an issue that occurs in many relationships and the equity model does not address this issue. Everything might seem to be fine and functioning in the relationship, but in order for a couple to achieve their highest potential, the man must stop his resistance to mental intimacy. In doing so, the man would be practicing unity rather than equity.

Taking into account that this is a common problem in many relationships, Deborah Tannen gives people advice in how to make adjustments.

“Such impasses will perhaps never be settled to the complete satisfaction of both parties, but understanding the differing views can help detoxify the situation, and both can make adjustments. Realizing that men and women have different assumptions about the place of talk in relationships, a woman can observe a man’s desire to read the morning paper at the breakfast table without interpreting it as rejection of her or a failure of their relationship. And a man can understand a woman’s desire for talk without interpreting it as an unreasonable demand or a manipulative attempt to prevent him from doing what he wants to do.”

-(Deborah Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand, page 85)

Deborah Tannen begins her advice by admitting that it may never leave both parties completely satisfied. She is suggesting that they keep each other’s differences in mind so that the woman does not get hurt and the man does not get mad. Deborah Tannen knows that this won’t work because as is a linguist and she is completely aware of the women’s innate tendency to crave mental intimacy with her partner. Deborah Tannen is equally aware of the man’s innate tendency to resist interdependence and maintain independence through dominance and competition. As much as an equity couple may try to keep in mind their spouses perspective, conflict will occur because the man is resisting conjoining with his wife.

Deborah Tannen claims that conflict in inevitable, but that is because Deborah Tannen is endorsing the equity model. In the equity model, conflict is inevitable.

“When two people’s paths cross, there is bound to be conflict of interest: We can’t both stand on the same spot without one of us standing on the other’s foot. If no one steps aside, someone will get stepped on. You and I are not the same person, so some of our wants will be different and conflict is inevitable. Because we can’t both get our way, we may find ourselves in a power struggle.

It may seem at first that conflict is the opposite of rapport and affiliation. Much of what has been written about women’s and men’s styles claims that males are competitive and prone to conflict whereas females are cooperative and given to affiliation. But being in conflict also means being involved with each other. Although it is true that many women are more comfortable using language to express rapport whereas many men are more comfortable using it for self-display, the situation is really more complicated than that, because self-display, when part of a mutual struggle, is also a kind of bonding. And conflict may be valued as a way of creating involvement with others.”

-(Deborah Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand, page 149-150)

The first paragraph of this excerpt is a great summary of the dynamic of a relationship that is in the equity model. Conflict is inevitable in the equity model. Deborah Tannen explains that “You and I are not the same person, so some of our wants will be different and conflict is inevitable.” In the equity model the man and woman are still acting as individuals, because the man is still holding on to his disjunctive behavior. The title of this chapter is “Community and Contest: Styles in Conflict.” Deborah Tannen explains that women are avoiding conflict and attempting to maintain a sense of community in the relationship when she says, “females are cooperative and given to affiliation.” In other words, women are trying to conjoin to their partner. Therefore the quote, “You and I are not the same person, so some of our wants will be different and conflict is inevitable,” might as well be interpreted as, “the couple is not conjoined, because the man resists conjoining his loves (affective organ) to his wife’s thoughts (cognitive organ), and so they are both left unsatisfied.” Deborah Tannen goes on to rationalize the inevitable conflict in a logical way so that both partners may convince themselves that conflict is a form of establishing intimacy, or in her words, involvement. This is especially problematic for the woman who is suppressing her desire to establish mental intimacy with her husband and she is also suppressing the pain she feels from his resistance.

Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D. addresses the same issue through the unity mentality.

“A woman is sitting on the couch with her sweetheart after dinner. He picks up the remote control, ready to turn on the television, and she turns to him and says, “Honey, let’s just talk for a while.”

Instantly tensing up, he asks, “Why is there a problem?”

Does this exchange sound familiar? If you’ve ever been in a relationship, I know it does! For many men, “Let’s talk” are dreaded words. They hear the, and immediately sigh, grunt, grit their teeth and prepare for the worst. Whether they respond with “What’s the problem?” or “Do we have to?” or “Oh boy, what’s the matter now?” or “Let me sit here in peace, I worked hard all day,” the message women receive is the same: “I don’t want to talk to you.”

No matter how much we understand about men, no matter how many times we go through this, women still feel hurt and confused when a man responds this way. Why? Because we love to talk, especially to our partner. When we talk with you, it creates intimacy, it creates connection. We don’t have to have a reason to want to talk other than this—the desire to feel close to the man we love. “

-(Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D., What Women Want Men to Know, page 315-316)

In this example, Barbara DeAngelis is illustrating the same problem that Deborah Tannen was trying to solve. Barbara De Angelis recognizes that women use conversation to establish intimacy and men do not. The key concept that Babara De Angelis acknowledges (and Deborah Tannen ignores) is that women will be hurt by men’s resistance to mental intimacy no matter how much they understand men. This example shows why the Unity Model is the only way that a husband and wife will be truly happy. As long as the husband resists mental intimacy, the couple is unable to achieve the conjoint self. The husband must recognize that his disjunctive behavior is prohibiting their marriage from achieving its full potential.

In the next example, Barbara goes on to appeal to men’s logic in order to have men understand that they must participate in talking with their wives so that the couple can have mental intimacy.

“I once heard an amusing analogy to how when a woman says “Let’s talk,” a man wants to know what the purpose is. Imagine a man says to his wife: “Let’s make love.” And she answers: “Why, do you want to make a baby?””

-(Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D., What Women Want Men to Know, page 317)

All men can understand this analogy. Just as men enjoy having sex with their wives even if it isn’t for the purpose of procreation, women want to talk with their husbands for the sheer joy of connecting with the man they love. Now that Barbara has put it in a way in which all men can relate to, she gives men advice on how to communicate with their wives and stop being disjunctive.

“What Men Can do:

Guys, we know we like to talk more than you do. We know you aren’t always comfortable with emotional topics. We know you’d often rather just be quiet. But we love you and need to connect with you through communicating.

1. Even if you don’t think you’re very good at talking about feelings, it’s better to do it poorly than to not do it at all. It’s just like anything else: The more you practice, the easier it gets.

2. When a woman wants to talk, ask her if there is anything in specific she wants to cover. If there is, you will now know the agenda, and can feel comfortable. If she says that there’s nothing in particular—she just wants to talk—believe her! She’s simply trying to create some intimacy, and perhaps even feel closer so she can be more in the mood for some physical loving.”

-(Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D., What Women Want Men to Know, page 323)

Barbara gives great advice to men because her advice motivates men to practice the unity model mentality. She recognizes that this behavior does not come naturally to men and so she encourages them by explaining that it gets easier with practice.

Part III: Male Dominant, Equity, and Unity Model Dialogue

(Word Count: 1,762)

Male Dominant Dialogue:

Scene 1: Brent and Jane have been dating and are in the beginning of their exclusive romantic relationship. Tonight they have planned to go on a date together for dinner and a movie. Brent has just picked up Jane from her house and they are discussing what restaurant to go to…

1. BRENT: So where do you want to eat dinner?

2. JANE: I don’t know. It’s up to you. I kind of wanted to try the new Italian place down the street, but it doesn’t matter.

3. BRENT: Well, Have you ever been to Jose’s, they have the best Mexican food in town.

4. JANE: No, I’ve never been, I don’t really like Mexican food but if that’s where you want to go…I’ll try it

5. BRENT: You’ll love it!

In line #1 Brent is asking Jane where she wants to eat because he’s being polite. He doesn’t care where she suggests, because he already has a place in mind. Brent is expecting Jane to be passive and leave it up to him. In line #2, Jane begins by telling Brent that it is up to him, because she doesn’t want to disagree with him. Jane is being conjunctive. Even though Jane is telling Brent that it is up to him, she is also answering his question and telling him where she would like to eat dinner. Brent doesn’t recognize how sweet Jane is being by allowing him to make the decision even though she has a restaurant in which she would like to eat. Jane is being selfless. Brent is being selfish and ignoring Jane’s suggestion in line #3. Brent is definitely in the male dominant mentality; he is only looking out for himself. Brent is taking advantage of Jane’s selflessness; therefore Brent is taking advantage of Jane. In line #4, Jane expresses her distaste for Mexican food. However, Brent dismisses Jane’s comment in line #5, and assumes that Jane will love what he loves.

Scene 2: Brent and Jane arrive at Jose’s and sit at a table…

6. JANE: So do you come here often?

7. BRENT: Yeah, I used to work across the street so I used to come here all the time. But I haven’t been here in a while. It’s a shame because they really do have the best Mexican food!

8. JANE: So what do you usually order?

9. BRENT: That’s easy; I always get the Grande Burrito. It pretty much has everything you can think of inside of it.

10. JANE: Sounds very filling!

(She continues to look at the Brent…The waitress comes along to get drink orders)

Waitress: Hi welcome to Jose’s! Can I get you two anything to drink to start with?

11. BRENT: Yes! Can we have two Patron Margaritas on the rocks with no salt? And we’re ready to order… (Jane looks surprised/confused)…we’ll start off with some Nachos with Kahlua Pig. No olives. And we’ll have two Grande Burritos with extra cheese.

Waitress: Is that all for you two?

12. BRENT: Yes. Thank you! (Turns to Jane) Anyways, what were we saying?

13. JANE: I was just saying how big and filling the Grande Burrito sounds.

14. BRENT: Oh yeah, it’s huge! I hope you’re hungry because I just ordered us a lot of food!

15. JANE: (Smiles as if pretending to be excited) I’m excited!

Brent does not ask Jane what she wants to eat or drink. Brent orders for the both of them. He orders a lot of food and very specific drinks for the two of them with no regard for Jane’s preference and opinion. Unlike line #1, Brent doesn’t even bother to seem polite this time around. He assumes and expects Jane to go along with his decisions because that is the man’s expectations in a male dominant relationship. Brent ordered too much food for Jane, especially since she doesn’t like Mexican food.

16. BRENT: So how was work last night?

17. JANE: It was slow, but I ended up getting a big party of a military guys and their bill was huge and they tipped me well…so It all worked out.

18. BRENT: So they tipped you good huh?

19. JANE: Yeah, I deserved it. They were really difficult. They kept changing their minds after I already put orders in. They were really loud and they made a huge mess on the table. They shredded all the coasters with their hands. I hate it when people do that! And to top it off, there were like 20 of them and they all wanted separate checks!!! So, I would have been pretty pissed if they hadn’t tipped me well.

20. BRENT: Well if they were so difficult, then why didn’t you tell them off?

21. JANE: I can’t do that! It’s my job to be nice to the customers

22. BRENT: About that….I’m not really comfortable with you serving drinks to all kinds of guys in short shorts all night

23. JANE: I wear an apron and most of the people I serve are families and tourists

24. BRENT: Well what about the 20 army guys you served last night

25. JANE: That’s rare! There was some navy boat that just docked for the week

26. BRENT: I don’t want my girlfriend serving tables and flirting with guys to get tips. I know how it is.

27. JANE: So you want me to quit?

28. BRENT: Yeah. You don’t want to deal with that right? Serving tables sucks! You should work at a preschool or animal shelter? Doesn’t that sound like fun?

29. JANE: I guess. I just don’t think that I can make enough to pay my bills if I work at a preschool or animal shelter

30. BRENT: Don’t worry. I make enough to support us.

31. JANE: Okay

(Waitress comes by and drops off the drinks)

Brent asks Jane about how work was in line #16 and #18 because he has a hidden agenda. He doesn’t like Jane’s job and he doesn’t trust Jane. In line #19 Jane is sharing her experience from work with Brent to establish mental intimacy. Instead of Brent validating Jane’s feeling and admiring her patience for dealing with difficult customers night after night; he gives her advice that would get her fired (line #20). Brent then begins to suggest that Jane should quit her job. Brent is showing Jane that he doesn’t trust her (line #22, 24, 28) and he sees her as a sexual object that belongs to him (line #26, 28) and he doesn’t want her around any other men (line #22, 26, 29). Brent is being disjunctive by showing Jane that he does not trust her and by being possessive. He is hurting Jane by doubting her love for him and by trying to control her rather than connect with her.

Jane’s phone rings, she looks at it and turns the ringer off and doesn’t answer it

32. BRENT: Who is that?

33. JANE: It’s Jilly, she probably just wants to know what I’m up to

34. BRENT: I don’t know why you hang out with that slut

35. JANE: She’s not a slut

36. BRENT: (Gives a skeptical look) I’ve heard stories! I didn’t want to say anything but…I don’t get why you like to hang out with those girls! All your friends are so annoying, all they like to do is go out and find guys!

37. JANE: Not all of them! What about Michelle?

38. BRENT: Yeah Michelle’s cool. She likes to cook and stay home and read and stuff. You can hang out with her. But I don’t want you hanging out with all the other sluts!

39. JANE: But, what about your friends? All they like to do is go out and find girls!

40. BRENT: It’s different with guys. I’m not easily influenced by my friends and I don’t need to be protected.

Jane looks confused and disappointed.

Notice how loving and respectful Jane is by not answering her phone during dinner with her sweetheart. In the other hand, Brent is continuing to be possessive and expressing that he doesn’t trust her. He immediately interrogates her on who is calling her when her phone rings (line #32). Brent goes on to insult Jane’s friends with a word that objectifies and degrades all women (line #34 and #38). He insults Jane by verbally attacking her group of friends and by ignorantly stating that all they do is go out and find guys in line #36. Brent is indirectly insulting and verbally attacking Jane who likes her friends and enjoys spending time with them. Brent displays his desire for a traditional marriage in which the Jane will serve him food and take care of the home in line #38. He wants Jane to only spend her free time with women who will support the male dominant model and encourage Jane to be Brent’s domestic slave. He opposes Jane’s other friends because he is aware that they will encourage Jane to stand up for herself and not allow Brent to control her as his property. Line #39 and #40 illustrates the cruel dynamic of the Male dominant model by showing how Brent masks his control in the form of love. He controls her and if she protests he claims that she is vulnerable and he wants to protect her because he loves her. He is manipulating and brainwashing her into doing as he says.

Brent’s phone rings and he answers it

41. BRENT: (On the phone) Hey whats up? Yeah I’m down. No, no problem. So I’ll be there in 20 minutes. Yeah. Bye. (Hangs up phone and turns to Jane) Is it alright if we get this to go and skip the movie tonight? My boys are having a poker tournament and I gotta go.

Jane is silent. Brent waves to the waitress and when she comes over, he requests the food to go

42. BRENT: You sure that’s cool with you?

43. JANE: Yeah it’s fine. I think Michelle and Kyle them were planning on catching a movie tonight so I’ll just meet up with them

44. BRENT: So… who’s going to the movies?

45. JANE: You know…Michelle, Kyle, George, maybe Scotty

46. BRENT: Um…ok.(hesitantly)I’m not really comfortable with my girlfriend having so many guy friends

47. JANE: They’re just my friends from high school. We’ve been friends for so long they’re like brothers

48. BRENT: Yeah I don’t want other guys calling my girlfriend. You’re always getting calls from Kyle, George, Mark…

49. JANE: Mark’s gay

50. BRENT: So? Gay guys are the worst! My ex-girlfriends gay friend was so manipulative! He was always telling her rumors about me and putting these crazy ideas in her head like that I’m too controlling or that I don’t respect her enough. (Make a face like that’s ridiculous)

Waitress comes by and drops off the food and the check

51. BRENT: (reaches for the check and says in a very cocky way)I got it.

52. JANE: thanks

Brent leaves money and they both get up and walk to the car.

Notice how disrespectful Brent is by answering his phone in the middle of their dinner date. Brent immediately decides to abandon his date with Jane so that he can hang out with his friends (line #41). He won’t allow her to spend time with her friends (line #38, 46, 48), and he won’t spend time with her because he rather be with his friends (line #41). Jane is left isolated at home, abandoned by her boyfriend, not allowed to be with her friends, and with a giant burrito that she doesn’t even like to eat. Brent on the other hand is left having fun with his friends and gets to eat his favorite Mexican food. This night out is a perfect example of how men in the male dominant model controlling, demanding, and selfish; leaving women mentally and physically abandoned.

Equity Dialogue:

Scene 1

Narrator: Henry and Nancy are at the local blockbuster for their Friday night movie night. They both have movies in mind that they want to watch. However, they do not know this about each other and are conflicted with the dilemma of picking the nights movie.

1. Nancy: “Oh yes! It’s finally out!”

Narrator: She makes a b-line to the Sex and the City display, grabs a copy and eagerly clutches it to her chest as if it were a long lost childhood friend.

2. Nancy: “Babe, we can finally watch this together since you didn’t want to take me to watch it at the theater and have all your friends call you gay.”

3. Henry: “Shit…really? Why can’t you just watch that with your friends, you know have a girl’s night at the house.”

4. Nancy: “I’ve been waiting forever! I can’t wait another day. Everyone’s talking about it and I feel left out that I’m the only one of my friends that hasn’t seen it.”

5. Henry: “Well, I want to watch, Ong Bak 2. It hasn’t released in US theaters and I really want to see some bloody fights. Oh it has subtitles too.”

6. Nancy: “Are you honestly asking me to watch a foreign film, a bloody one at that? I hate fighting movies!”

7. Henry: “Do you honestly think I wanna watch 40 year old sluts talk about how much dudes they banged? If I wanted that I would have just gone down to the bar.”

Narrator: Henry and Nancy continue to argue a little more. They then agree to rent both movies so that they are both satisfied. They quickly head home to watch their movies…it’s going to be a long night.

Henry and Nancy are attempting to negotiate out the conflict. Henry has already been disjunctive by not taking Nancy to the theatre to watch Sex and the City, a movie that obviously means a lot to her. As Nancy indicates in line #2, Henry gave an excuse that he would be taunted by his friends if he got caught watching Sex and the City in the theatre. Nancy let it go and patiently waited for the movie to come out on DVD so that they could watch it together in the privacy of their own home where nobody would taunt Henry. Now Henry has an opportunity to make up for his past mistake and act conjunctively by watching the movie with Nancy, but Henry continues to resist (line #4). Henry is being selfish, forcing Nancy to look after herself. Henry is also being disjunctive by insulting Nancy’s movie choice (line #4).

Scene 2

Narrator: Henry and Nancy both rush to get into the house, to start their movie night. They are befuddled to which movie they are going to watch first.

8. Henry: “Since I paid for them, we’ll watch Ong Bak first.”

9. Nancy: “Well, I have the remote. You can’t watch it without the remote.”

10. Henry: “Seriously, what are you going to do? Turn the TV off when I’m watching it? You’re being a little childish.”

11. Nancy: “Childish? Why are you assuming that we’re watching your movie first? Don’t I get a say?”

12. Henry: “How about you watch it on the portable DVD player with some headphones, while you sit next to me? That way, we both get to watch our movies.”

13. Nancy: “Well I want to watch it on the big TV.”

14. Henry: “Well my movie needs the big screen and in high definition and we don’t have a portable high definition player.”

15. Nancy: “You just don’t get it. I want us to watch one movie together. I want us to enjoy our movie night.”

16. Henry: “I’d rather get kicked in the nuts than sit through that movie. I didn’t want to watch it before, so what makes you think I want to watch it now?”

17. Nancy: “You should want to watch this movie because it means a lot to me. It was my favorite TV show, and after it was cancelled, I wanted to see the movie that would bring closure to all the questions that were left unanswered in the last season. Why don’t you care about things that mean so much to me?”

18. Henry: “You think I don’t care about the things that matter to you? How about the many times have I cooked dinner for you when you were busy? In addition to that, remember that time when Jen broke up with her boyfriend and we let her stay over for a few days and I had to listen to her ALL of those hours crying and complaining about her problems. I have problems of my own, but I don’t dump them on everybody. We even missed sex night because of that. However, I understood that she was your best friend. Don’t make it seem like I don’t care about your feelings. What about my feelings? I FEEL like watching this movie!”

19. Nancy: “I’m not saying that you don’t care about me, I know you do. But I mean, I’ve done things like that for you too! You overlook my feelings a lot, every day. I hate when you are online, every day and night looking for deals on everything. You rarely take the time out to cuddle with me before I fall asleep. Sometimes it seems as if you’d rather be on the computer than spend quality time with me.”

20. Henry: “Well most of my work is done on a computer; I browse online to take a break from my work.”

21. Nancy: “Can’t you take a break from your work with me instead of browsing online?”

22. Henry: “They’re just short breaks? Besides what does this have to do with watching your movie first?”

23. Nancy: “EVERYTHING!!! YOU CONSISTENTLY PUT INSIGNIFICANT THINGS ABOVE ME, LIKE YOUR STUPID LITTLE BREAKS! I JUST WANT YOU TO REALIZE THAT I REALLY CARE TO WATCH THIS MOVIE! So can you just, this once, do this for me?”

24. Henry: (Rolls eyes) “Fine, you can watch your movie first…this time. Since I’m going to have to deal with this torture, you’re gonna need to heat up some popcorn with some mochi crunch. Oh bring some Tylenol too. Some cold beer wouldn’t hurt too.”

Narrator: Henry and Nancy begin to watch the movie and Nancy is happy about it. However, a little into the movie, Henry brings the laptop and begins to browse online. Nancy is irritated at his lack of effort to watch the movie and spend quality time with her, but she’s glad that the argument is over. In the end, they both got to watch each other’s movies together.

Henry is being increasingly selfish by demanding that they watch his movie first (line #8). As the couple bickers and argues their intimacy is diminishing. In line #15, Nancy attempts to end the negotiation by explicitly expressing her desire to be conjunctive with Henry, but Henry continues to insult her and her taste in movies (line #16). Nancy tries to reason with Henry by explaining to him how much this mean to her (line #17). Henry’s disjunctive behavior is sending Nancy a message that he doesn’t care about her, and so Nancy shares her thoughts and expresses her pain as she asks Henry how can he act this way if he cares about her (line #17). Henry answers Nancy’s question by trying to reason with Nancy through the equity mentality and show her that it is only fair that he should get to watch his movie choice because of all the things he does for Nancy (line #18). However, there is no exact measure for the amount of love and effort one puts into a relationship, so the two of them could go back and forth all day about who does what for whom. Nancy does not give into participating in this competition. She tells Henry that he overlook her feelings every day (line #19). The equity model does not work because men don’t realize that love and intimacy is not measured by the amount of tasks each partner does for each other. Men have difficulty recognizing that every interaction they have has an effect on the relationship and every time they behave disjunctively, the will be hurting their wives sand showing that they do not care about their wives. The argument goes off topic as Nancy tries to get Henry to see the big picture and realize that intimacy is not about balancing acts of kindness towards each other, but instead it is about every loving, peaceful and conjunctive interaction that they share (line #19-23). Henry finally gives in (line #24) but in his mind things are still unfair so to level the playing field, Henry demands snacks and treats from Nancy. Both Henry and Nancy are left unhappy. Henry is upset because he is selfish and he didn’t get his way. Henry puts no effort into watching the movie as an act of rebellion towards Nancy for not allowing him to get his way. Nancy is left upset because she never wanted to argue or make Henry upset, all she wants is for him to put some effort into taking an interest in her. Henry continues his selfishness and disjunctive behavior through his rebellion.

Unity Dialogue:

Scene 1

Accountant: Your finances seem to be in order for now, but you must consider the unpredictable nature of the current economy and save for a rainy day. As of now you don’t have enough savings and that makes you vulnerable, because one financial emergency can lead to big problems. The best way to save is to make a budget and stick to it by prioritizing you’re spending. Here is a budget sheet that I offer my clients to help them design and stick to a budget, you may find this helpful. Single out the expenses that you can live without. I’m going to go make an extra copy of this for you two, I’ll be right back.

1. ANTHONY: He sounds really serious, what do you think we should do?

2. CHARITY: Well, I think we should talk about and agree on the areas that we are going to cut back.

3. ANTHONY: Okay…. How about you start making me lunch for work instead of me purchasing lunch

4. CHARITY: Yeah I could do that.

5. ANTHONY: I also think that you should definitely stop shopping for clothes and accessories that you don’t need.

6. CHARITY: (irritated look on her face) I don’t think that you are approaching this the right way.

7. ANTHONY: (confused) It just makes sense that you should stop shopping because that is a completely unnecessary expense because you already have so much clothes.

8. CHARITY: I get what you’re saying but I don’t like the way that you are saying it.

9. ANTHONY: I’m sorry…. (Confused)….Does that mean you agree with me?

10. CHARITY: How about we have a garage sale and instead and I can sell my old clothes and you can sell the sporting goods that you don’t use anymore.

11. ANTHONY: Yeah, that’s a great idea! But what do you mean by “sporting goods that I don’t use”?

12. CHARITY: There are lots of surfboards that you never use anymore in the garage. You also have old fishing lures, fishing poles, and dive gear that we could sell.

13. ANTHONY: (Hesitantly)….Yeah…but I still use all that stuff.

14. CHARITY: Really? I feel like there are a few surfboards in the garage that you haven’t used in the past few years.

15. ANTHONY: (Almost sarcastic)…. I’m emotionally attached to those boards. I have a lot of memories with them.

16. CHARITY: Okay…well….what about the fishing lures….I know you have like 100 of them. I’m sure that there’s some you can live without.

17. ANTHONY: (concentrating)…. I don’t know…It’s going to be tough!

Accountant: Okay…here you guys go. (hands over a few papers) Alright…well good luck. I’ll see you guys later.

Couple says goodbye and head home.

Anthony’s suggestions seem to involve Charity making all the effort while Anthony’s budget and lifestyle goes unchanged. Anthony is acting selfish (line #3 and #5), and Charity tries to give Anthony cues that he is being disjunctive (line #6 and #8). Charity is hoping that Anthony will come around and realize that he is straying from the Unity Model. Charity makes a suggestion that includes Anthony and her own participation so that they can have a fun activity together and save money (line #10). However, Anthony continues to be selfish and refuses to find a way to participate in the garage sale (line #11, #13, & #15). Charity gives Anthony many options as she tries to help him find a way to participate in the garage sale (line #12, #14, & #16). As Anthony is straying from the Unity model, Charity is supporting him and helping him get back on track.

Scene 2: In the car….

Screetch noise….

18. CHARITY: Anthony can you please stop tailing the car in front of us…I’m starting to get sick

19. ANTHONY: It’s this asshole…he obviously can’t drive. The speed limit is 35 and he’s going 30.

20. CHARITY: Please…I’m getting sick.

21. ANTHONY: Gotta be a tourist….He keeps slowing down and turning his blinker on like he’s going to turn….(Grunts)….Get out of my way…….I don’t know why there’s only one way….this is ridiculous. (Looks over at Charity and realizes she’s upset)….. I’m really sorry Charity. I’m just really frustrated. Is this better?

22. CHARITY: Yes, this is much better.

Anthony is acting particularly aggressive and dismissing Charity’s pleas for him to drive more cautiously (line #19). Anthony momentarily lets his aggression get the best of him until he realizes that he is hurting Charity (line #21). The realization that he is hurting Charity by dismissing her feeling motivates Anthony to apologize and be conjunctive by driving the way that Charity is asking him to (line #21).

Scene 3: At Home…..

23. ANTHONY: We just got a new movie in the mail. You want to watch one?

24. CHARITY: Yeah.

(They both sit down to watch a movie)

25. ANTHONY: Is something wrong Charity?

26. CHARITY: I jus t haven’t really felt connected to you today? I feel like you were being selfish and aggressive with me.

27. ANTHONY: I’m so sorry! I think that I took it really personal when the accountant found a problem in our finances.

28. CHARITY: But the accountant said that our finances are fine. He just suggested that we save more.

29. ANTHONY: I know… I just felt like it was my fault….I’m sorry I didn’t mean to take it out on you. I think that your garage sale idea was great. And you’re totally right….I have a lot of valuable stuff that I can get rid of.

30. CHARITY: Thank you! And you are right…I will cut back on my shopping.

31. ANTHONY: I don’t want you to feel pressured. It was just a suggestion, but it is totally your decision to cut back on whatever you see fit.

Charity is still hurt by Anthony’s disjunctive behavior in the accountant’s office (line #26). Anthony and Charity are both aware that their union has been disrupted (line #25 and #26). Anthony apologizes for disrupting their union and he re-establishes their mental intimacy by self-disclosing his personal feelings to Charity (line #27 and line #29). Anthony realizes his error and corrects it by conjoining with Charity. In the end, Anthony shares his thoughts and emotions with Charity furthering their union and leaving both of them happily together in love. In the Unity model, men might temporarily stray and act disjunctively, but the Anthony’s motivation and the Charity’s assistance united their minds back into conjugial love.

Part IV: The Analysis of Videos According to the Male Dominant, Equity, and Unity Model

(Word Count: 1,907)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFSJh9sJilU

I picked this video because this poem represents the Unity mentality and this video provides the words of the poem “I Carry Your Heart With Me” by E.E. Cummings. This poem demonstrates how a couple will never be apart if they reach conjugial love. “Anywhere I go, you go, my dear.” Demonstrate that once a couple reaches conjugial love, their minds and spirits are so conjoined that they feel each others presence even though their partner is physically not there. The negative bias of science has no explanation for why some couples have this sensation, however the Unity model explains that the couple’s minds are conjoined in the spiritual world and so they feel each others presence despite the physical absence. “And whatever is done by only me, is your doing, my darling.” This line shows the man’s deep appreciation of his wife. This man is completely aware and accepting of their union and he knows that everything he has accomplished is due to his wife’s love. They are one, and this line is very representative of that concept. The next line, “I fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet,” is such a beautiful line. This man is completely aware of his eternal destiny with his wife. As the poem goes on, E.E. Cummings’ words capture the essence of how a man that’s in the Unity model thinks and loves. They are one, and she is his world, his everything. E.E. Cummings illustrates the secret of life and the meaning of life as the act of carrying his wife’s heart in his heart. This is synonymous to the Unity Model in that the goal of humanity is to achieve conjugial love, and carrying the heart of your wife means to have the same loves (affective organ) as your wife.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiV_HcNTL-Q

In this scene, Aiden has moved into Carrie’s apartment and he is trying to make some room for his stuff. He begins by being disjunctive as he say by sarcastically asking how many shoes a person needs. He is insinuating that Carrie has too many shoes and should get rid of some. Shoes are very important to Carrie, she considers herself a collector of designer shoes. Aiden knows this about Carrie but still suggests that she get rid of some shoes so that he can have space for his stuff. Carrie jokingly warns him that he is not approaching the problem the right way. Aiden should have taken her cue, however he goes on to tell her that he is going to need half of her closet. Aiden is trying to maintain equity in there relationship. Aiden’s claim of needing half of Carrie’s closet and his attempt to establish equity sounds unimaginable for Carrie who loves her close, shoes and closet. Aiden tries to make his point by insulting some of Carrie’s clothes. He is being disjunctive. Carrie expresses her love for the outfit to Aiden, but Aiden ignores her pleas to keep the outfit. Carrie then realizes that she might be acting a little selfish and makes a selfless and loving act of getting rid of one of her favorite outfits. Carrie then sees Pete, Aiden’s dog, chew and ruin one of her all time favorite shoes. Aiden shows no sympathy to Carrie and then suggests that it is her fault because her shoes were lying around. Aiden is being very rude and hurtful by not recognizing that Carrie is sacrificing things that are very important to her like her clothes, shoes and closet. Aiden is being insensitive to the emotional pain that Carrie is undergoing. He is showing sympathy or comforting Carrie so that she feels better. Aiden is adding to Carrie’s distress by telling her that it’s her fault. All of these disjunctive acts by Aiden throw Carrie off the edge and she begins to be disjunctive as well. Carrie begins to point out that Aiden isn’t getting rid of any of his stuff. Aiden tells Carrie not to go through his stuff when he is so willing to go through her stuff. This is an example of how there is no equity in the equity model because the man seems to be the judge of what’s fair. Aiden wants half the closet and he has the power of delegating what things need to go in order for there to be more space. The argument escalates as they usually do for couples who are in the equity model. Aiden tries to leave, as men usually do in arguments, but Carrie leaves instead. In the end Aiden and Carrie are left separated and hurt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw9SE315GtA

This one of John Gottman’s lectures on his research with married couples. He is considered an expert in his field and has studied the interactions between married couples for many years. His research has led him to find what he calls the magic relationship ration which is the number of positive behavior compared to the number of negative behavior. He found that in happy couples the ratio is 5:1 meaning that there are 5 positive acts for every negative act. He found that for couples who divorce, the ratio is .8:1. John Gottman’s research can be used to support the Unity Model Theory, because Gottman’s use of the word positive is synonymous to conjunctive behavior and negative is synonymous to disjunctive behavior. Gottman’s research shows that marriages in which both partners are conjunctive, will last forever. Meanwhile marriages in which both partners are disjunctive will result in divorce. Gottman’s research is scientifically valid evidence that the equity model does not work, because according to the equity model the ideal ratio would be 1:1 which would lead to divorce. In an equity relationship, the husband would assume that he can make up for one disjunctive act by doing one conjunctive act. However, as Gottman demonstrates in the video, disjunctive acts are so hurtful to the relationship that the husband must do 5 conjunctive acts to make up for each disjunctive slip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5k0Z3DB5N0

This is Donna Barnes and she is giving advice to women about what men want. She is an example of the recent socialization movement in which women are adopting masculine loves and suppressing their own feminine loves because this is what society has been encouraging. Donna is telling women that men want a woman who is independent and loves herself. By doing this women would be mirroring the behavior of men. If women were to suddenly want to be independent and truly love themselves then they would be acting as men and resist conjunction through selfishness. As the Unity model shows, this is horrible advice. Donna is instructing women to distance themselves from femininity. As horrific as this advice might be, women tend to take it because they want a partner to conjoin with and they are being told that this is what men want. A woman who behaves this way will most likely be in an equity relationship because she will be acting as the man acts, selfishly, because they love themselves instead of each other. The couple will fight and both partners will be unhappy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xj61D0VVA3A

Sometimes men unknowingly behave disjunctively towards their wives. This is a man who is giving advice to other men on how to be conjunctive. He is describing the communication differences that men and women have. According to the unity model, men and women have a different mental anatomy so it isn’t surprising that they have different conversational styles. This is a common theme in Deborah Tannen’s book, You Just Don’t Understand. This is great advice for men who are committed to practicing conjunctive behavior so that they can reach conjugial love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-PEkfBLm3k

This video has dialogue between a husband and a wife, and the husband is being disjunctive, insensitive, and hurtful as the wife is trying so hard to be included in his life. He comes home late from work and doesn’t tell her where he’s been. He hurts her feeling by telling her that he has to drink in order to put with her. He is breaking her heart, as so many men do to the women that love them. The picture’s in the video show how common it is for women to be emotionally abused by the men they love. It’s a universal feeling for women.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hjwilo8TWxQ

Here are two women discussing their frustration with men’s resistance to union. They list all the ways in which husbands/boyfriends deceit their wives/girlfriends. The men these women are describing are most likely in the male dominant phase. These men are leaving their girlfriends at home alone and lying to the girlfriends about where they’ve been. This video is an example of the perspective of a woman that is in a male dominant relationship. The women are expressing their need for men to act accordingly to the Union model. Both women state multiple times that, men should act the same way they act when their wife/girlfriend is around than as when their wife/girlfriend is not around. Men who are in the unity model always behave in a manner in which they would in front of their wife/girlfriend, even in their absence.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VTAZ6SnwbI

This video is a part of Chris Rock’s comedy routine. He is addressing love, relationships, and marriage. Chris Rock is catering to his male dominant audience. He is very degrading to women and uses horrible derogatory words to describe women. He imitates women and portrays them as nagging and controlling. This is a very popular view of women in the male dominant model. This video captures the male dominant mentality. Chris Rock acknowledges that in order to make a marriage work, the husband must make his wife happy and cater to her needs. However, Chris Rock manipulates the concept by demonizing women as being needy and never satisfied.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DptmPTQQXkk

Donna Barnes is once again giving advice to women on how to be a good girlfriend. She starts off by telling women not to be a drama queen. This is a hurtful stereotype that men in the male dominant and equity model label women as. She tells women that their emotions are not about what the man is doing but how you feel about it. She doesn’t acknowledge the fact that men’s actions directly affect the emotions of the women they love. These are not two separate issues. Donna Barns is giving bad advice to women and she is telling women to allow the behavior of men who are in the male dominant and equity model.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cm2YyVZBL8U

This video is representative of a man who has deep appreciation, love, and admiration for his wife. I believe that having a child and starting a family with his wife has helped him realize what an angel his wife is. He is amazed by the endless love and compassion his wife has. His wife is inspiring him to be a better man, and he is now ready to practice the unity model. He is accepting his interdependence with his wife; he’s not afraid to tell her that he needs her. He acknowledges that he is in the middle of something that he doesn’t really understand and that his wife is the only woman that could ever help him really understand. He is ready to follow his wife’s lead and allows her to right him when he’s wrong. He is ready to allow his wife to have the power in the relationship so that she can guide him to true conjugial love.

Part V: Comments, Suggestions, & Advice for Future Generations

(Word Count: 1,079)

In order to succeed in this class, you must realize that the course is not based on religion. The Unity Model of marriage is a theory based on the objective evidence of the Swedenborg Reports. You must realize that you are not being asked to believe in the afterlife or in the scientific validity of the Swedenborg Reports, or in the unity model of marriage. You are not being asked to believe in anything, because this class has nothing to do with religion or belief. However you should approach this class with an open mind and accept the possibility that concepts which are not proven wrong are potentially right. The Scientific validity of the Swedenborg Reports cannot be rejected because there is no evidence to disprove the Swedenborg Reports. However, there is no evidence to prove the scientific validity of the Swedenborg Reports. Rejecting an idea before you have tried to understand it refers to the negative bias in science. The negative bias in science refers to the fact that the scientific community rejects the possibility of the existence of the afterlife despite there not being any evidence to show that refute the existence of the afterlife. The positive bias in science refers to accepting the possibility of the existence of the afterlife, because after all there is no evidence to refute its existence. Ultimately, students would benefit from adopting the positive bias approach in understanding the concepts of this course. Dr. James offers a different perspective on love and relationships, and it is up to each individual student to interpret and understand his theory, views, and ideas. In order to interpret and understand his theories, views, and ideas each student must approach their analysis with an open mind. You don't have to believe in the theories, views and ideas presented in this class just merely accept the possibility of the information that is given to you. All students are welcome to discuss their opinions and thoughts so that the class as a whole works together to truly understand unity model. Every student is encouraged to voice their questions, opinions, ideas, and interpretations.

Since we have all been socialized into thinking through the negative bias of science, some people’s natural reaction might be to refute Dr. James’ theory and attempt to argue the concepts discussed in this course. All students must be aware of the distinction between a healthy debate and an argument. I suggest that students discuss, deliberate, question, ponder, and contemplate the ideas that are presented to them throughout the semester. However there is no need to be disruptive, rude, or insulting during class discussions. It may be hard at times to understand Dr. James’ theories because we were socialized into the negative bias of science. Students might also encounter some difficulty accepting the possibility of the Swedenborg Reports’ scientific validity because there have been so many weirdoes in the past who claim to have spoken or seen God. Even if you decide to reject the validity of the Swedenborg Reports and the validity of Dr. James’ theory, there are many concepts discussed in this course that are applicable to everyday life and relationships. Ultimately my biggest suggestion to the future generations would be to keep an open mind throughout the entirety of this course.

Other than the potential conceptual issues involved with Dr. James’ Unity Model of marriage course, there are also some potential technical issues in which future generations might encounter. This course requires frequent access to a computer and the internet so make sure that you have a fully functioning computer and internet connection if you are planning on taking this course. In order to make sure you are on task about the assignments and activities that are expected of you for each class, check the class schedule online frequently, because it changes often and without notice. Explore Dr. James’ websites and become familiar with all the web pages and what information is on which page.

This course will help all students grow as a person. I think that this course is valuable in presenting an alternative to the scientific and data-based courses available in psychology. Being exposed to different ways of seeing the world will benefit all students in their everyday lives and as potential future mental health professionals. This course has made me less ignorant and more aware of the importance of being unbiased and open minded. This course has also been very insightful on the complex dynamic of love and relationships. My biggest realization in this course is that most (if not all) women have the same goal of achieving conjugial love. I have felt guilty before because I wanted to have an interdependent relationship with my boyfriend, but society has implies that being interdependent is a synonymous to being weak and needy. This class has made me realize that relationships take a lot of work, but that everyone has the potential to reach conjugial love. Throughout the course of this semester, I’ve learned that I have a lot in common with each of the girls in this class. The women always understood each other. When certain topics came up such as Barbara De Angelis’ lists about what women want men to know, all the women would give each other a familiar kind of eye contact that suggests that we were all in agreement. All the women in the class have either had a personal experience with a disjunctive boyfriend or been in a position of comforting one of our girl friends whose hurt by her boyfriend’s disjunctive behavior. I’ve also noticed the men in the class grow increasingly aware of how they can actively improve their own romantic relationships. Even though there is certain concepts of the class that maybe challenging at times, there are many concepts that are part of our everyday lives. I began to notice disjunctive and conjunctive behavior in all the relationships that I saw in the movies, television, songs, and at work. I began to particularly notice the couples that would come to dinner to eat at my restaurant. Some couples would spend their entire dinners on their cell phones and barely even talk to each other. Drawing connections between the connections between the concepts from the Unity model to examples in everyday life really helped me realize how many unhappy relationships there are. I wish all future generations good luck and I hope they find this class as challenging and rewarding as I did!

Part VI: The References

De Angelis, Barbara (2001). What Women Want Men to Know New York: Hyperion.

James, Leon (2008). The Unity Model of Marriage. Online Lecture Notes on the Web: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy28/409b-g28-lecture-notes-p1.htm

Schlessinger, Laura (2007). The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. New York: Harper.

Tannen, Deborah (2001).You Just Don’t Understand. New York: Harper.

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