Three Perspectives on Marriage:

How to Achieve Perfect Happiness

Course: Psychology 459 University of Hawaii, Spring 2009, G29

Instructor: Dr. Leon James: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/leon.html

Instructions for this Report: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy29/409b-g29-report.htm

Part I: The Three Marriage Models

The three models of marriage include male dominance, equity, and unity. In the male dominance model, the man is in charge of everything. He makes all the decisions without consulting the woman. He does what he wants, when he wants to do it, and the woman is left trying to bend herself to his needs. There is no real connection between the two of them, and so their souls will not be joined together in the afterlife. In the equity model, the man and woman both jostle for the position of power. Both claim to want everything to be equal between them, but such equality is impossible. Instead of having equality, the man still dominates and the woman is left trying to establish herself as his equal. They constantly fight for control, and in doing so make any true bond impossible.

Of the three models, the unity model is the only one in which a true eternal union can be made. In the unity model, the man and woman are joined together completely. Their souls are so intertwined that they remain together in the afterlife. This model is the model of ultimate happiness, as the goal of both this life and the next is to find that perfect love. While the other two models can be used as a path towards the unity model, neither of them can offer the peace, comfort and satisfaction that come with the unity model.

The unity model is also called the wife centered or woman centered model because the woman is at the heart of the union. The woman is naturally geared towards the unity model, so it is easier for her to achieve it. The man must learn and change a lot in order to achieve unity. Societal teachings and pressures make it even harder for the man, for they often go against the unity model. Male dominance and equity are the norms in our society, and it can be difficult for a man rise above to unity. During his transition, he must pay careful attention to his wife and her needs, as this is his primary concern in the unity model. First he must be attentive to his wife and listen to her. Next he must understand what she needs. Then he must give it to her. In becoming one with his wife, he needs to do several things that, unfortunately, go against societal norms. One thing he must do is to love what she loves even more than what he had loved. In sharing these loves, their souls intertwine.

In the male dominance model the woman’s needs are not addressed, let alone met. The man only cares about himself, and expects his wife to do the same. In many instances the man supports the woman financially, but does not take care of her feelings or her thoughts. In fact, he cares about neither. He may tell himself he is being chivalrous by taking her out to dinner or suggesting she quit her job because he can support her, but he isn’t really taking care of her. By not knowing or even caring to know her thoughts, feelings, and opinions, he can never adequately provide for her. She may stay in this insufficient relationship out of hopes that eventually he will come around. While it is possible to upgrade from the male dominance model to the unity model, most men in the male dominance model remain in the male dominance model. If she cannot get her man to see how detrimental his behaviors are to their relationship, she is better off leaving him and finding someone who will want to take care of her properly.

In the equity model the man claims that he wants everything to be equal, but in reality he still dominates over his wife.

There are many benefits for following the unity model. One major one is that you will be able to go to heaven. Swedenborg tells us this because he’s been there and seen where the unity model will take you and provides empirical proof. God granted Swedenborg dual citizenship so that he could be in our physical realm and the afterlife at the same time. Swedenborg realized that those in each realm are constructed of elements that those in the other realm cannot perceive. Swedenborg talked to many people in the spiritual realm and was able to determine the necessary qualities for going to heaven. When we die, we are resuscitated thirty hours after death. After we are brought back to life, we go to the grand monster or the grand human. Hell is living with the grand monster. People who go to hell chose the love of bad mental states in the physical realm. This means that they opted out for the easier path in their first life. In the physical realm they had always put themselves first and didn’t care to establish the deep connection with anyone that is necessary in the unity model. In hell they will live with other selfish people like themselves. Also, their marriages that took place in the physical realm remain in the physical realm because only unity marriages can transfer over to the spiritual realm. Those who go to heaven go to a life with the grand human and become angels, a type of spirit. Everyone in the afterlife is called a spirit. They either found their soul mate in the physical realm or they have prepared themselves to find their perfect love in the spiritual realm. In the physical realm, marriage is necessary but not sufficient for achieving affective conjugation and intimacy, and therefore not sufficient for the unity model and heaven. Many people never find their soul mates in the physical realm, either because their soul mate lived far away or in the past. In the spiritual realm it is much easier to find ones perfect mate, as these obstacles are removed. The entire meaning of life is to find this perfect love, either in the physical realm or the spiritual realm. We know this to be true because God told Swedenborg this and let him witness the happy loves of those in heaven so that he could tell others what the importance of life is. Swedenborg called this endless eternity love conjugial love.

Here is a chart illustrating the prime differences between the three models.

Affective

Cognitive

Sensorimotor

Unity

Both Win

· Both husband and wife always show affection for each other.

· The goal is to always be one- to join together.

· Husband always tries to reduce his wife’s stress, never add to it.

· Husband loves what his wife loves more than what he originally had loved.

· Husband strives to connect with his wife mentally.

· Husband is constantly reassuring is wife of his commitment to her.

· Husband cleanses his thoughts of those his wife wouldn’t approve of.

· When in public, the husband does not say or do anything his wife wouldn’t approve of.

· Physically they try to stay close. Neither goes away for extended periods of time.

· Husband is always reaching out to touch her to show his affection.

Equity

Neither Can Win

· Physical affection is dolled out in “equal” quantifiable amounts.

· Instead of truly caring about each other they only help each other when it’s their turn.

· Husband does not care about how he influences his wife’s stress.

· Husband selfishly holds on to his own loves.

· Both try, and claim that they do, connect mentally.

· Husband has a mental connection to his wife, but keeps himself separate from her.

· Husband does not see what his personal thoughts have to do with his wife.

· In public, the husband says and does what he wants- when his wife isn’t present.

· Physically they are usually close.

· Husband sometimes reaches out to show affection, but usually when he feels he is obligated to.

Male Dominance

Man Wins

· Husband never shows affection purely for its own sake.

· Husband disregards when his wife needs his help.

· Husband not only refuses to decrease his wife’s stress, but also insists upon adding to it.

· Husband retains his own loves and demands that his wife forsake her loves for his.

· Husband makes no effort to connect with his wife mentally.

· Husband never reassures his wife, because he doesn’t care how she feels.

· Husband feels strongly that his wife has no business knowing his thoughts or feelings, and she should keep hers to herself as well.

· In public and in private, the husband says and does whatever he wants, regardless of his wife’s feelings.

· Physically they are close when he feels like it- usually meaning when he wants sex.

· Husband never touches her affectionately unless he has some goal in mind.

As this chart clearly shows, it is only in the unity model that all of the wife’s affective, cognitive, and physical needs are met. This is the only model where both parties can be truly happy and create an everlasting love. Male dominance is by far the worst model as far as the wife’s wellbeing goes, but equity is not that much better. Under the equity model the husband still has his way and expects his wife to acquiesce to his every need. The difference here is that in the equity husband’s mind he bends the circumstances so that they appear to be equal, when in reality he always has his way.

Part II: Different Perspectives: Literature on Marriage Perspectives

There are three different books that illustrate the three different models. Male Dominance is presented by Dr. Laura Schlessinger in her book The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. Deborah Tannen typifies the equity model in her book You Just Don’t Understand! Women and Men in Conversation. The unity model is beautifully described in Barbara De Angelis’ What Women Want Men to Know. While each author advocates her model as the best model for all marriages, it is only De Angelis’ portrayal of the unity model that can lead to an everlasting spiritual marriage.

Male Dominance

In her book, Dr. Laura doles out advice on how to have the perfect marriage. Of course, to her, a perfect marriage is one in which the husband is dominant, gets whatever he wants, and the wife is bound by their vows to do as he says and occupy herself only with pleasing him. This is not intended to be an empty existence for the woman, as serving her man is supposed to be a very rewarding experience. A woman also not expected to have a job or contribute to the household finances. Her job is to stay home. If she does work, she is supposed to be at home when the kids leave for and return from school, do the housework, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, and be pretty and cheerful when her husband comes home. Before her husband enters the house, dinner should be prepared and all the laundry and dishes should be finished so that he won’t be bothered by the loud noises.

In this excerpt from her book, Dr. Laura is advising a couple on her radio show.

I can see several problems with this advice. First of all, I don’t feel that Dr. Laura really listened to Dawn. She had no interest in hearing about Dawn’s concern for her husband. Perhaps Dawn was worried that her husband was working too much to spend any time with their baby. Perhaps her main motive was to get Craig more involved with their new family. Or maybe Dawn was truly concerned for Craig’s health. He could be sleeping and eating a lot less from all the stress and this could be a real problem. Dawn is also probably upset from not being able to spend much quality time with her husband. Instead of addressing this issue, Dr. Laura scolds Dawn for not appreciating her husband enough. Yes, it is wonderful that Craig is willing to go through so much in order to support his family. However, he seems a little arrogant to assume that he is the only one that can work in the family. Dawn could get a part time job to help for two months so that Craig doesn’t have to work and go to school at the same time. Yet this option isn’t even up for discussion- either with Craig or with Dr. Laura.

Dr. Laura’s insistence on calling Craig a “real man” is sweet, but can have dangerous negative implications. By saying he is a “real man” by killing himself with work, she is implying that if he were to ask for his wife’s help he would not be a “real man”. Real men are not allowed to ask for help- no matter what, even if there are serious consequences for the relationship and the family as a whole.

After giving her advice, Dr. Laura didn’t even ask Dawn if it helped her. Dawn was not given a chance to voice her feedback. Dawn was the one with the question, yet it is Craig that Dr. Laura turns to for confirmation. Clearly Dr. Laura has determined that it should be Craig who makes the decision as to when their call is over. The fact that Dawn initiated it doesn’t mean anything. Since Dawn doesn’t protest or speak up, I am assuming that this is the typical treatment that she is used to receiving at home from Craig.

I feel that Dawn’s problem was not solved. There is no real resolution for her. Instead, she is silenced by a woman with a degree and a radio show- she is unable to counter in anyway. Dawn doesn’t have a marriage counseling degree or any books to her credit. All she has is her feeling and desires- both of which have been discounted by Dr. Laura.

Equity

In her book, Tannen describes how men and women have different conversation styles. She argues that these differences lead to misunderstandings , confusion, and hurt feelings. Her goal is to have men and women understand each others styles, as well as their own, so that they can communicate with each other better. Tannen contends that children are raised differently depending on their sex, and so they learn different ways of communicating. Tannes stresses that men need to listen to what women say, and not simply try to solve all of their problems. Much of what Tannen says about how men can communicate with women better coincides with the unity model. Where Tannen strays is her persistent emphasis on equality. This power struggle is what leads to a healthy relationship’s demise.

In this expert from her book, Tannen reveals a letter a woman wrote to Ann Landers:

Personally, I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be this woman. My boyfriend talks more than I do. I don’t know how she’s endured 38 years of silence. In this situation, Tannen would advice both this woman and her husband to work to understand each other’s communication styles. Hopefully this would result in the husband talking more, and the woman not feeling as hurt when he doesn’t want to talk. While I don’t think this solution is the best, it is much better than the advice I can imagine Dr. Laura giving. Dr. Laura would probably say how the woman hasn’t been a good wife, and that’s why he isn’t talking to her. Maybe she’s withholding sex or not having his dinner ready on time. Or, maybe Dr. Laura would say that this woman should be counting her blessings that she has a husband that has stuck around a provided for her for so many years. Maybe he would be another “real man” fighting in the jungles of New York City for his woman. Either way, it’s the woman’s fault.

The unity model would have a different approach. While it would be acknowledged that the husband and wife do have different styles of talking and should work on trying to understand these styles better, there is something else that needs to be done. What needs to be done is that the husband needs to communicate to his wife more. Even if he feels like he has nothing to say. With practice, it will get easier for him, and he will even take pleasure in recounting his day to his wife.

Unity

In her book What Women Want Men to Know, De Angelis shows how true unity is achieved. So that she can be clear in what she means, De Angelis has included many lists on various topics. These lists are also convenient for men who do not want to read a 483 page book on what they should know. At least these men are making the effort, but if they really cared about women they would take the time and effort to read the entire book. I’m hoping that those who only read the lists become so inspired that they go back to page one.

In this excerpt from her book, De Angelis has created a list about what women want men to know about how to make a woman feel safe.

What a lovely list! While I was reading this book, I read many lists such as this one aloud to my boyfriend. And with each list, he was astounded that it wasn’t common sense. I think it is common sense; it’s just that many men don’t care to think about such issues as making a woman feel safe. They dismiss the issue as the woman being too needy or irrational. If they were to seriously consider how to make a woman feel safe, I’m convinced they would come up with a list similar to the one compiled by De Angelis.

If a man can follow this list, he will make his woman feel safe. Only then will they be on the path towards a unity marriage. Unity is impossible to achieve if the woman doesn’t feel safe. Therefore, if you want to achieve unity, you MUST make your woman feel loved, safe, and treasured.

Part III: Marriage Theories in Dialogue

Male Dominance Model

The following three scenes illustrate the differences in the three marriage models. First, in the male dominance model, Brent insists on his complete dominance over Jane. Jane allows him to dictate her life in the hopes that one day he will change and treat her better. Unfortunately for her, Brent will most likely not change his selfish ways. First Brent tells Jane she is incompetent, and then he tells her she’s controlling, then he gets angry at her for not wanting to have sex with him. Jane is able to express how she really feels to her friend Kim. Kim reacts to Jane’s feelings in way Brent never does- she shows Jane that her feelings are valid and that it is okay to feel the way she does. Kim never dismisses anything Jane says, and listens instead of simply telling her what to do.

Narrator:

1. Brent and Jane are visiting their accountant who is doing their taxes. The accountant tells Brent and Jane that they should cut down on expenses and suggests several methods. The accountant then leaves the room.

Brent:

2. We’re just going to do what the account says, ok? We’ll just have to eat out less to save some money.

Jane:

3. (Shyly) But I like eating out and spending time with you. Couldn’t we just fix up your old car so we wouldn’t have to buy one?

Brent:

4. (Annoyed) You know I don’t have a lot of free time on my hands. Besides, I’ve had that car for such a long time now. I think I deserve a new one.

Jane:

5. (Hurt) Well, what about if I start making you lunches? That could also save us some money.

Brent:

6. (More annoyed) But I don’t like your cooking.

Jane:

7. (Hurt) I know my cooking isn’t that good, but home lunches would be enough for us to still eat out.

Brent:

8. (Angry) Why are you trying to offer suggestions? You know I’m the one that handles the finances. Just do what I say and we’ll be fine, ok?

Jane:

9. Sorry.

Brent:

10. It’s ok. You just have to trust me.

Narrator:

11. Brent and Jane leave the accountant’s office and encounters traffic on the way home.

Brent:

12. (Angry and pounds the horn) Get out of the way!

Jane:

13. (Concerned) Honey, could you please stop driving so dangerously? I’m really scared.

Brent:

14. I’m only driving like this so we can get home faster.

Jane:

15. I want to get home fast too, but we might get into an accident.

Brent:

16. We’re not going to get into an accident. Stop trying to change the way I do things. The way I drive is perfectly fine.

Jane:

17. (A mixture of angry and hurt) I’m just concerned about our safety.

Brent:

18. (Angry) My driving is a lot safer than yours; so don’t criticize me.

Narrator:

19. The rest of the drive home is in silence. After they arrive home, they have a short dinner and then prepare to go to sleep.

Brent:

20. (Moves closer to Jane) (Sweetly) It’s been such a long time since we’ve had sex. Don’t you think?

Jane:

21. (Shyly) I don’t think it has been that long. We’ve had a really tough day too…

Brent:

22. (Angry) Are you still mad about what happened earlier? I told you that I can handle our problems.

Jane:

23. It’s not that. . .I just . . .I don’t know

Brent:

24. I can’t believe this. I work all day and handle all the problems of this house while you do nothing. You can at least be intimate with me.

Jane:

25. We can be intimate in other ways too.

Brent:

26. Don’t try to change the subject. Just say what you need to say so we can settle this.

Jane:

27. Look, I’m not angry with you. I’m just not in the mood.

Brent:

28. (Almost yelling) Not in the mood? I do a lot of things I don’t want to do. I wake up every morning and go to work for 8 hours a day and come home to an unclean house and a crappy dinner. You’re absolutely worthless and you can’t put in the effort to be intimate!

Narrator:

29. It’s the next morning, and Brent is at work. Jane is at home and upset from the day before, and calls her friend Kim on the phone to vent her frustration.

Jane:

30. It’s like he doesn’t even see me as a person. Like I’m an insignificant peon that he deigns to associate with. Yesterday was just awful.

Kim:

31. What happened that was so bad?

Jane:

32. We went to our accountant to discuss ways to save money. Brent dismissed all of my suggestions and criticized me for even trying to contribute. I know he’s the man of the house and makes the money and the big decisions, but I wish he would just let me do something. I try to help and then he says that I don’t do anything.

Kim:

33. My Tom is the same way. He gets angry when I try to help out and then he gets angry and yells that I do nothing. I know being a housewife isn’t the same as working out in the “real world” but I don’t think it’s nearly as easy as our husbands think it is. I wish we could trade places for a day.

Jane:

34. I don’t think Brent could survive without his power for a day. Oh! On the ride home yesterday he was driving like such a maniac I was sure we were going to crash! I tried to tell him to slow down but he just said that his driving was safer than mine so I had no right to criticize him. I wasn’t even trying to criticize him! I was just honestly concerned about our safety!

Kim:

35. All men hear from us is criticism. They think that we just like to harp and complain all day just to make them miserable. I wish they could see that our suggestions come out of love and actually take us seriously. I’m not even sure Tom listens to what I say anymore. It’s not like he takes anything I say into consideration.

Jane:

36. Well, Brent listens to me but his response is never pleasant. Sometimes I feel like I should just stop talking completely. And then after such a terrible day and an awkward dinner (he also said that he hates my cooking, seems like I can’t do anything right) he thinks it’s a good time to have sex!

Kim:

37. (sarcastically) Well of course! After such a romantic day how could he not? Tom is exactly the same way. I don’t understand how they can be in the mood when there’s no connection? After he yelled at you all day, called you ungrateful, a terrible cook, too dumb to make any sort of contribution to anything, and an awful driver, how could he expect you to want to have sex? I don’t understand how he can rationalize that.

Jane:

38. (sighs) I don’t know. Now I’m cold and withholding. He was still upset when he left for work. I know he cares about me and I am thankful for him supporting me, but I feel like my role in this marriage keeps getting smaller. Thanks for listening, Kim. It’s such a relief to talk to someone who understands.

Kim:

39. I know what you mean. It gets hard when the only person you talk to puts you down all the time.

In lines 4 through 6, Brent consistently puts down all of Jane’s suggestions on how they can save money. Not only does he dismiss all of her contributions, but he also manages to insult her as well. When Jane offers to pack Brent lunches for work, he announces that she’s a bad cook. Even if Jane isn’t skilled at cooking, Brent should at least acknowledge that she is offering to do something for him that will help them save money. Instead, Brent chastises Jane for trying to contribute. He basically says that Jane is too dumb to be able to come up with any suggestion worth mentioning. Thinking is not one of Jane’s skills. She should remain silent and enthusiastically do whatever Brent tells her to. Brent doesn’t see this relationship as male dominant. Instead, he considers it sensible. Both him and Nancy each have their own position in their marriage, and Brent’s job is to make all the decisions and tell Jane what to do. It’s Jane’s job to cater to Brent and do everything he says.

In line 16, Jane voices her concern for Brent’s driving. Again, Brent dismisses her concern as if it were invalid. He even gets angry that Jane is voicing her opposition to the way he is driving. In this relationship, Jane is not allowed to have any thoughts or desires that run counter to Brent’s. Everything is always done Brent’s way. Brent does not consider this to be selfish or unfair- it is simply the way it is. This is how a marriage is supposed to be. The man is the head of the household, and the woman must do what she is told. This is the only way the relationship can work. Besides getting angry for Jane’s discomfort at his driving, Brent goes so far as to lash out at her, saying that her driving is awful by comparison, so she has no right to say anything at all about his driving. Jane was only concerned for their safety, and for voicing this concern she gets yelled at and criticized. How can Jane hope to have an everlasting marriage built on trust and friendship when she can’t even say one thing about Brent’s reckless driving without being attacked?

In line 20, Brent is finally talking to Jane sweetly. This is the tone of voice he should have been using all day. Instead, he reserves it for only when he wants sex. Jane, physically and emotionally drained from such a rough day, tries to gently rebuff him. Brent immediately switches back to his usual tone, angry with Jane for withholding affection. But it was never affection that he wanted- he only wants sex. He isn’t interested in forging a deep commitment and understanding between them. Brent only wants Jane to do whatever he want, which invariably entails keeping her opinions to herself and having sex whenever Brent wants. Just as Brent must wake up in the morning and go to a job he doesn’t like for eight hours a day, so much Jane strive to make him happy. Part of her job is having sex with Brent when he feels like it, even if she doesn’t want to. Poor Jane. What a miserable life she must have, to have to deal with Brent everyday. But Brent always overlooks Jane’s selfless commitment to their marriage, and an always find something to criticize her with.

In line 33, Jane finally receives the validation and understanding she has been missing from Brent. Kim listens, doesn’t interrupt, asks questions to get Jane to reveal more, apologizes for what Jane has to endure from Brent, and says that she has similar experiences. Jane doesn’t feel alone anymore. In the unity model, Brent would do everything that Kim had done. Kim could have simply offered a solution, such as get a divorce, but she knew that that’s not what Jane wanted to hear. Unfortunately for Jane, Brent cares neither about Jane nor about their marriage. He only cares about himself.

Equity Model

This dialogue between Nancy and Henry illustrates the equity marriage model. Following the unity model, they both jostle for the position of power in their relationship. Both Henry and Nancy constantly fight to get what they want; they both feel that to “give in” to their partner is to completely surrender, and in doing so they will lose a key part of themselves. Their relationship is full of selfish loves- they are far from the unity model. Henry has not realized that the only way to have a perfect union is to denounce his concept of marriage that he learned from modern society and embrace the unity model. He claims that he wants his and Nancy’s relationship to be completely equal, but not only is that not possible, but his actions do not coincide with his profession of equality. Henry still makes all the major decisions that affect their lives without consulting Nancy, and he still expects Nancy to act like the traditional wife. Nancy has to keep asserting herself as his equal, and this constant fighting wears both of them down. Both sides think that they other is taking them for granted, while neither of them really appreciates the other person. As is to be expected, this marriage is full of conflict. Neither Henry nor Nancy is ever really satisfied. They can’t seem to stop being selfish and join together in their marriage. They don’t think of themselves as a single identity, man and wife joined together, instead they think of themselves as people who have their own separate identities.

In the scene that follows, Henry and Nancy struggle to both have their way. Nancy is the loser in this relationship. As a woman, she is naturally inclined to want a unity marriage. Unfortunately, Henry is clearly not ready to embark on such a journey. Her only options are to wait and hope that Henry will come around some day, or to divorce him and find someone who is ready to commit to treat her right and commit to the unity model.

Narrator:

1. In the late evening, Henry comes home from work to see his wife, Nancy, talking on the phone while busily trying to prepare dinner.

Nancy:

2. (Concerned) Is everything ok mom? Do you want me to come over?

Henry:

3. (Somewhat annoyed) How come dinner isn’t ready yet?

Nancy:

4. (Covering the phone and whispering) It’s my mom. She’s not feeling well.

Henry:

5. Well, I think she can take care of herself. I was really busy today and I skipped lunch. How much more time until dinner is ready?

Nancy:

6. (Annoyed at the lack of concern) Just wait a few more minutes.

Henry:

7. (Grumbles) I guess I’ll just grab a beer and wait. (Reaches in the refrigerator, grabs a beer, and sits down at the dinner table)

Nancy:

8. Mom? I’m going to have to call you back. Just try to take some medicine and get some rest ok? Bye. (Hangs up the phone and returns to preparing dinner) So anything interesting happened today?

Henry:

9. (Bored) Nothing really. Just more paperwork and typing.

Nancy:

10. Well, guess who I saw today at the supermarket? My old friend Susan from high school.

Henry:

11. (Uninterested) Oh, how is she?

Nancy:

12. She’s doing fine. She’s a lawyer now and is working at one those big law firms downtown. I wonder what it must be like to have a job like that.

Henry:

13. (Defensive) Why would you say that?

Nancy:

14. Say what?

Henry:

15. What it would be like to have a job?

Nancy:

16. I was just wondering what a day as a lawyer would be like.

Henry:

17. Our life is just fine. There’s no need to change anything.

Nancy:

18. (Defensive) I know that. I was only being curious ok?

Henry:

19. (Somewhat frustrated and bored again) Whatever.

Narrator:

20. The room becomes silent and Nancy finishes preparing dinner. She makes two plates, carries it to the dinner table, and sits down with Henry.

Nancy:

21. Honey, do you think you would be able to pick up the dry cleaning tomorrow during your lunch break. I’m going to take my mother to the doctor.

Henry:

22. (Angry) I’ve already skipped lunch today because I was busy! Now I got to skip lunch tomorrow?

Nancy:

23. (Irritated) I only need help for tomorrow. I wish you would be more concerned about my mother!

Henry:

24. And I wish you would be more concerned about me! You’re always trying to control me like that. Are you even going to be that busy tomorrow?

Nancy:

25. (Angry) Just because I don’t work it doesn’t mean that I have a lot of free time! You expect so much of me and I try my best to live up to those expectations.

Henry:

26. (Frustrated) Alright! Alright! I’ll do it. Dinner better not be late again tomorrow.

Nancy:

27. Fine.

Narrator:

28. After a short period of silence, Henry’s cell phone starts to ring. Henry answers it.

Henry:

29. (Enthusiastic) Hello? Hi Karen! Long time no see! Yea, I’m doing fine, how about you? Oh? Yea, I remember that restaurant. We had such a good time together. That place sure brings back a lot of memories. You’re going to be in town next week? How about we get to together and have some lunch?

Narrator:

30. Henry turns around and sees that his wife is angry with him. Henry turns back and leaves the room with the phone. After a short while, he comes back and hangs up the phone. He sits back down with Nancy.

Nancy:

31. (Irritated) Who was that?

Henry:

32. (Innocently) Just an old friend.

Nancy:

33. (Defensive) Don’t lie! I heard you say Karen! She’s your ex-girlfriend isn’t she?

Henry:

34. (Defensive) That was a long time ago. And I wasn’t lying! She is an old friend.

Nancy:

35. Why would you even make a date with her. How do you think it would make me feel?

Henry:

36. It’s not a date! It’s just lunch! You’re always overreacting. I didn’t say anything when you went out with Brad last month.

Nancy:

37. Brad isn’t my ex-boyfriend! I would never do that to you.

Henry:

38. It’s the same principle.

Nancy:

39. It’s not.

Henry:

40. I just said that I would skip lunch for you tomorrow and you can’t even let me go see an old friend? Why can’t you trust me?

Nancy:

41. (Frustrated) Fine! Do what you like! It always ends up like that anyways!

Narrator:

42. Angrily, Nancy picks up the dishes and starts t\o wash them. Henry turns around and sees Nancy washing. He walks midway as if he was going to help her but stops and pauses and turns around to walk to the other room.

Poor Nancy! When reading this dialogue, it is probably pretty obvious what is wrong. In fact, a couple may have this same conversation and not be able to figure out what’s wrong, yet when they read this it may be clear. Somehow, those who are in this equity limbo stage are unable to see what’s really going on.

In line 5, Henry dismisses Nancy’s concern for her mother, saying she can take care of herself. He immediately switches the focus to himself, emphasizing how difficult his day was and how hungry he is now. The only thing concerning him is his stomach. If this was an equity couple, the husband would express his concern for his mother-in-law, ask how he could help Nancy with her mother, and offer to finish making dinner so Nancy could focus on her mother. He would do this because he truly cares about his wife, her feelings, and her family. When she’s upset, he does what he can to alleviate her troubles. He listens to her and helps make her life easier. It’s clear that Henry is not an equity husband. Not only does he not help make her life easier, he insists on making it harder! Instead of helping her with her concerns about her mother, he complains that dinner is not ready. Apparently to him, his temporary hunger is infinitely more important than his mother-in-law’s permanent health. How selfish. This is a good example of how the equity model does not represent true equality. Henry places all of these demands on Nancy, yet he is not obligated to reciprocate. Of course, he thinks he is reciprocating, and will make up excuses claiming that he is. But in reality he is not.

In line 12 Nancy wonders what it would be like to have a powerful job. She is probably doing so because she feels so powerless in her relationship with Henry. Henry snaps that she doesn’t need to work, because things are fine the way they are. If Nancy were to get a job, especially a powerful one, she would upset the current balance of their marriage. Henry doesn’t want this because he is currently the sole provider for their family, and this places him in the position of power. If Nancy were to work, she would be on more of an equal footing with Henry, perhaps even above him. In order to keep his status, Henry must ensure that Nancy does not work outside the home.

In line 21 Nancy makes a simple request of Henry. All he has to do is pick up the dry cleaning. Henry protests, as if Nancy’s request is a huge burden that she is unfairly demanding him to carry out. Henry does not show the slightest concern for Nancy’s mother; not once does he even ask what is wrong with her. His lack of worry about his mother-in-law shows his lack of concern for his wife. Henry simply doesn’t care about Nancy’s feelings, and he doesn’t respect her as a person. All he can think about is that he will have to miss another lunch. Surely he’ll have a few minutes to eat something so it’s not as if he’ll starve. And even if he doesn’t, going a few extra hours without food will not kill him. Nancy’s mom not going to the doctor might kill her.

In line 29 Henry enthusiastically answers his cell during dinner- already a slap in the face to Nancy who worked so hard to prepare it. This is the time for the two of them to be together after a long day, and instead Henry welcomes the chance to interact with someone else. When this someone else turns out to be an ex-girlfriend that Henry is eager to make plans with to see, Nancy becomes very hurt and angry. When she expresses her hurt, Henry again dismisses her feelings, claiming that she is being irrational and controlling. He claims that it is only fair that he gets to see his ex because Nancy met up with a male friend before. When Nancy explains that it’s not the same because he wasn’t an ex- boyfriend, Henry says it is the same. He refuses to listen to her, ignores her protests and her feelings, and insists on doing whatever he wants- regardless of how much it hurts her. Nothing is equal in this relationship. Nancy eventually gives up, knowing that Henry will win everything anyways. Henry claims that this is equality because he reluctantly agreed to pick up the dry cleaning. Because he agreed to this, he has the right to hurt Nancy as much as he wants.

Unity Model

This dialogue between Charity and Anthony truly captures the unity model. It can be very difficult for the man to be successful in achieving unity. As a result, there are little hiccups in the relationship when the man starts to go astray. If the wife is able to remind him of his commitment and what is truly important (their everlasting union in heaven) then he may realize his errors, apologize, and work harder to stay on track. The following dialogue is a good example of this. Nobody is perfect all the time, and even good unity husbands can make mistakes. The important part is for him to realize when he’s wrong and quickly make strides to correct himself and sufficiently apologize and make it up to his wife.

Narrator:

1. Anthony and Charity are in the living room. Charity is cleaning while Anthony sits on the couch watching TV. Charity asks Anthony for help with some of the household chores, but Anthony continues to watch TV.

Charity:

2. Honey, did you mow the lawn yet?

Anthony:

3. Not yet babe.

Charity:

4. It’s starting to look like a jungle out there!

Anthony:

5. I’ll get to it soon.

Charity:

6. That’s what you said last week and you still haven’t done it.

Anthony:

7. I promise babe, I’ll get on it…after the game is over. My favorite team is playing and they’re winning.

Charity:

8. (Getting annoyed) Honey, don’t you want to impress your boss with a nice, clean house tomorrow night? If you want to get that promotion, you need to show him that you’re a dependable and organized person.

Anthony:

9. (Still watching TV) He knows that already.

Charity:

10. (Still annoyed) Fine. If you’re not going to get up and mow the lawn, could you please fold the clothes in the laundry basket next to you? You could do it while watching the game at the same time.

Anthony:

11. I don’t want to get distracted, honey. I’ll do it…when the next commercial comes on. Okay?

Charity:

12. (Starts getting upset) I’m trying to clean the house so you can make a good impression on your boss and hopefully get that promotion, but it seems like you don’t care! You don’t care that I’m doing all this for you!

Anthony:

13. (Getting annoyed) I told you that I’ll do it in a minute! Could you please let me finish watching the game?

Charity:

14. Upset) That’s all you care about?! The stupid game!? Are you even listening to me?

Anthony:

15. I just want to finish watching this game. This is really important for me.

Narrator:

16. Charity gives up on trying to convince Anthony to do chores. Hurt and very upset, Charity walks away, goes to the bedroom and calls her friend, Stephanie, and tells her what happened.

Charity:

17. It’s like he wasn’t paying attention to me and that he doesn’t care that I’m doing this for him. I really want him to get this promotion and he just doesn’t see that.

Stephanie:

18. I’m sorry. You just need to give some time for him to get use to that you two are in a unity model relationship and he needs to realize that he can’t do the things he would do before. Wasn’t it only a few months when Anthony committed to having spiritual marriage?

Charity:

19. Yeah, it was. I mean, he was really caring at first, but lately he’s been losing it and ignoring how I feel.

Stephanie:

20. Maybe you should remind him about your feelings and talk to him. I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten about what it means to be in a unity marriage.

Charity:

21. Yeah. Sometimes I just feel so frustrated. I’ll go talk to him.

Stephanie:

22. Have patience, Charity. It took my Nicholas a while till he finally stopped being disjunctive with me. Don’t worry, I know you both can do it.

Charity:

23. Thanks Stephanie. You’re a great friend.

Stephanie:

24. No problem, that’s what friends do.

Narrator:

25. After Charity hangs up the phone, she went back to the living room to talk to Anthony. To her surprise, she saw the clothes neatly folded in the laundry basket. As she walked into the kitchen, she saw Anthony just about to take the garbage out.

Anthony:

26. I folded the clothes and put it in the basket. I’m going to take the garbage out then mow the lawn. I’m sorry honey if I made you upset earlier.

Narrator:

27. Anthony takes Charity’s hand and put his arms around her.

Charity:

28. Thank you, honey. The house looks a lot cleaner now. I’m glad you realized that this promotion really means a lot to me.

Anthony:

29. I know. I felt really bad about putting the game before your feelings. If you ever feel hurt, you can talk to me and I’ll do whatever I can to make you feel better.

Charity:

30. That’s really sweet. I want what’s best for us babe, and I think this will really help us.

Anthony:

31. I will try my best to commit myself to being united with you and having a successful, happy, spiritual marriage.

Charity:

32. Do you promise that you will commit more into having a spiritual marriage?

Narrator:

33. Anthony looks deep into Charity’s eyes

Anthony:

34. Yes, honey I promise.

In line 7, Anthony places the game at a higher importance than his wife. Charity is hurt and insulted that he would place anything above her, let alone a silly game on television. Anthony should have mowed the lawn when it had first started to look overgrown. Instead he waited for Charity to ask him to mow it. Then he waited a week without completing his task. Now when Charity asks him to mow the lawn again he says he’ll do if after his game. Anthony’s actions are telling Charity that he does not care about what she wants or how she feels. He is showing that doing what she asks and alleviating her stress is not important to him. It is no wonder that Charity is so distraught.

In line 17, Charity expresses her frustration with Anthony to her friend Stephanie. Stephanie, who is also in a unity model marriage, urges Charity to be patient with Anthony. She reminds Charity that it is harder for Anthony to stick to their marriage goals and that he needs more reminders second chances to do and say what is right. Men are not naturally inclined toward the unity model like women are, so it takes more time and effort for Anthony to stay committed than it does for Charity.

In line 26, Anthony has turned the television off and has started doing the tasks Charity asked him to. While Charity had been talking to Stephanie, Anthony realized that he was being disjunctive and falling off track. Instead of allowing himself to continue down this destructive path, Anthony was able to pull himself out of it and reestablish his commitment to his wife. Charity is very lucky to have a husband who cares so much about her and her feelings. Anthony realized how much he was hurting her and immediately began to change his behavior to make her feel better.

In line 29, Anthony acknowledges how he had been hurting Charity and vows to only make her feel better. He also holds her, and this intimate touch conveys intent to protect her. Charity is relieved that Anthony has remembered their unity commitment to each other.

In line 31, Anthony again confirms his commitment to Charity and his desire for a unity marriage. He is reassuring Charity that he is still in love with her and wants to be together with her for all eternity. Charity needed to be reassured, especially after Anthony had acted out by not doing his chores. Overcoming this obstacle has made their marriage even stronger. The more Anthony places Charity above everything else, the closer they will be. Reassuring Charity also decreases her stress about their relationship. More men should be like Anthony. Instead, women are all too often anxious and scared about the state of their romantic relationships, all because they don’t receive the confirmation they need.

Part IV: Marriage Theories on YouTube

Examples of these three models are everywhere. I see them on a daily basis in the customers that come into the store I work at.

Watership Down Thank You Stars http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsP5GJGHO2A

This clip from the television show Watership Down (an animated version of the book by Richard Adams) shows the sweetness between Hazel and Primrose. Hazel is taking Primrose to her old home, even though he knows that everyone is dead. Primrose doesn’t believe him, and insists on seeing it herself. Already knowing that it is useless, Hazel agrees to accompany her. When Primrose falls into the fast-paced river, Hazel runs along the bank shouting encouragement. When Primrose can’t go on any longer, Hazel jumps in after her, risking his own life, and manages to pull them both to safety. He does all of this because he loves her and wants to protect her. Not just her physical body, but her mind as well. This is why he agrees to make the long journey to her old home.

Labyrinth – Jennifer Connelly David Bowie End Scene http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmgmXgoBZFo

“Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave.” Next to David Bowie’s tight pants, this is probably the most memorable part of the movie. Not only does this line not make sense (how can some be a slave and a ruler at the same time?) but it is pretty creepy to say it to a girl less than half your age. Anyway, this is one of my favorite movies and I love this line. But I don’t love it because I wish to live it. Living in a dominated relationship does not sound like fun. Throughout the movie, the goblin king has been trying to thwart Sara’s efforts to save her baby brother. He wishes to keep the baby to raise as his own, and win Sara’s heart. It’s a strange way to go about doing it- kidnapping her brother and all- but Jareth manages to twist the events so that he is only doing what she wanted him to do. Sara can only break free when she realizes that she is here on her own accord, and tells Jareth, “you have no power over me”.

Shallow Hal – Tony Robbins – Jack Black http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6USW2hOVEoc

Hal is only interested in young, extremely attractive women. He himself, by our society’s standards, is not exactly Mr. Sexy himself. He’s short, chubby, and is rude to women. He feels that he should be entitled to a beautiful girlfriend who does whatever he wants. When he gets trapped in an elevator with a counselor, they get to talking about Hal’s past relationships. When Hal describes his “type,” the counselor says “Hal, don’t you think you’re being a little bit shallow here on the ways you look at women?” Hal replies, “Well, uh, no I mean, you know, I’d like her to be into culture and shit, too.” Unfortunately I think this style of thinking is rather prevalent in our societies. The way in which women are portrayed in movies, television, magazines, music videos, and advertisements suggests that any man can and should expect to have a very attractive, young, skinny girlfriend to dote upon them.

Neutral Milk Hotel – The King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYOx43j9pRI

This video was made by a fan, not by the band Neutral Milk Hotel. The beginning of this song is about how the mom and dad are always fighting. They take jabs at each other, even in front of the children. They do not respect each other and they are not concerned with creating a unity marriage.

Matchbox Twenty – Back 2 Good http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-psblA8x3Q&feature=PlayList&p=EBE70F1A037B1677&index=25

This song is about the anxiety felt when you’re in a relationship that is unsafe and inadequate. Many women feel this way, usually because their husband does not care about their needs and neglects the importance of making them feel safe. Men in both the male dominant and equity phases do this, in the case of the former they do so because they don’t care, in the case of the latter they do so because they claim ignorance. Both have the same result.

Jimmy Eat World ‘Always Be’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLlOxxfWXxw

This is song that has personal meaning to the singer/songwriter Jim. This song is about him always trying to catch up to and be good enough for his wife. She is the light that he is always chasing. He knows that much of our society doesn’t support him in his quest, so he also sees himself in this sort of rebellion. This message is adorably captured in their music video, in which a girl and boy get separated form the rest of their class, and run around the museum together, looking at all of the marvels, going where they’re not supposed to go. Through their own journey in the museum, they learned much more than their classmates who stayed with the tour.

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus – Face Down http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmfasWzdyHs

This song is about a girl who is stuck in a more extreme form of a male dominant relationship- a physically abusive one. The song is trying to get the girl to see that he is not going to change. He is not suddenly going to wake up one day and treat her like a princess. There is no unity marriage happy ending for her if she stays in this relationship. But still she stays. She puts up with everything until she realizes that her situation will never improve unless she gets rid of him.

1 in 4 Women Victims of Domestic Violence http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVFaEJDO_zs

Robin Givens opens up to show her abuse from Mike Tyson. She recounts the tale of domestic violence in her own family, from her grandmother to her mother to herself. In her book she covers the shame and guilt that she felt and he struggle to overcome.

Part V: How to Get the Most Out of This Class

Now I get to give you advice about how to excel in and learn the most from this class. Of course, it goes without saying that you shouldn’t procrastinate. There’s a big project at the end of the course that has to be at least 6,000 words in order for you to receive that coveted writing intensive credit from a level 400 course. But you should have learned by now that procrastinating is never the way to go. So I’m taking it for granted that you’ve learned this lesson already and don’t need me to go on about it and go on to more relevant advice.

Read all of the reading assignments before class. Don’t simply read the chapters that your group will present. If you are a rater or a commentator you still need to read all of the assigned chapters. Not only will it better prepare you for discussion and your written report, but Dr. James may reassign you to another group if others are absent. And besides, the point of school is to learn. If you aren’t willing to read the material, why are you in school?

Please, please, please have an open mind when it comes to the unity model. I know I almost didn’t, and I would have lost an excellent opportunity to learn about a model that I actually embody. It may seem a little crazy at first, but if you make the effort to overcome the relationship restrictions imposed by our society, I’m sure you’ll find that it makes a lot of sense. Just keep reading and asking Dr. James all of your questions, and I’m sure you’ll come around.

I have to admit that at first I was very skeptical. How could I, as a psychology major, accept Swedenborg’s accounts of living in the spirit realm and speaking with angels about their soul mates as empirical evidence proving Dr. James’s unity model theory? I almost dismissed Swedenborg as a schizophrenic who heard voices claiming to be God.. However, the more about Swedenborg I read from Dr. James, the more I began to believe in Swedenborg and the unity model.

At first, I misunderstood the wife-centered model as wife-dominant. I think this is a common mistake. I denounced this model in my mind, because I didn’t want to be in a relationship that was dominated by either party. I didn’t see the sweetheartness in the wife as she makes her requests. All I saw was a crazy bitch making insane demands on her poor husband. As I began to understand the unity model, these misconceptions melted away and I began to become a supporter.

I had thought that I had the perfect relationship with my boyfriend, Jesse. We have a deep connection and understanding between us. We don’t need to fight or withhold affection to make a point. We enjoy spending time together and our love has become the center of our lives. I didn’t think that Jesse and I fit into the unity model, so I rejected the unity model as the ultimate form for relationships. I thought that the unity model was about the man submitting completely to the woman, with the woman telling the man what to do every step of the way. I didn’t see how Jesse and I fit. I never told him what to do. But as I thought about it, I realized that he did everything I wanted him to, and more, without me needing to say anything. He says I do the same. So now I believe that we do follow the unity model- we’re just fortunate enough to understand each other so well that we’re already clear on each other’s needs. Through our love we’ve learned to read each other very well. Once I realized that we fit into the unity model, I finally came to fully support Dr. James theory.

I hope that you can see the wonderful benefits of the unity model. Try not to focus on the woman’s power- she only has that power to help guide the man into the model. The goal is for him to understand his wife completely and not need her to tell him what to do or how to fulfill her needs- he does it automatically. The wife needs to help him achieve this because the unity model does not come as easily to the man as it does to the woman. Much of this is because the man must unlearn everything society has thought him about his role in an intimate relationship with a woman.

The only limitation I can see with the unity model is that many men will not want to achieve this unity with their wives. I’m afraid they won’t achieve unity because they don’t see the value in a soul mate and don’t want to give up their selfish loves. I wish there was an easy way for these men to realize how much better off they’d be in a unity marriage. How much happier they’d be in heaven with their true everlasting love than in hell with other selfish people. Unfortunately, I don’t think trying to reason with this group would bring about much success. Perhaps if our society changed its values to coincide more with the unity model it would be different. It would certainly be easier to find a soul mate here in the physical realm.

If you ever are confused about anything related to the course- ask Dr. James! He provides thorough answers that are very helpful. Much of his theory can be confusing at first, but it is imperative that you fully understand. There is a lot going on in this model, but that makes sense as it encompasses this life and the next. It’s important to understand the spiritual realm and all of its levels. And again- give the unity model a chance. Don’t simply dismiss it as unscientific militant feminism. Because it’s not. And, you will learn how to have the ultimate relationship and find your soul mate. What could be better than that?

Part VI: References

De Angelis, Barbara (2001). What Women Want Men to Know New York: Hyperion.

James, Leon (2008). The Unity Model of Marriage. Online Lecture Notes on the Web:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy28/409b-g28-lecture-notes-p1.htm

Schlessinger, Laura (2007). The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. New York: Harper.

Tannen, Deborah (2001). You Just Don’t Understand. New York: Harper.

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