Course: Psychology 459 University of Hawaii, Spring 2009, G29

Instructor: Dr. Leon James: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/leon.html

Instructions for this Report: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy29/409b-g29-report.htm

Student Author: Joe Secor (pseudo name)

Go to:

· Part I: How can a relationship be domineering, a compromise, or bliss?

· Part II: De Angelis, Schlessinger, and Tannen

· Part III: Analysis & Dialog of Male Dominance, Equity, and the Unity Model

· Part IV: The Three Models of Marriage Through the Lens of Youtube

· Part V: “My 2 Cents” on Taking this Course

· Part VI: References

Part I: How can a relationship be domineering, a compromise, or bliss?

When I say the words domineering, compromise, and bliss are the words that come to my mind when trying to explain the three models of marriage as proposed in Dr. James’s lecture materials on Male Dominance, Equity, and Unity models of marriage. First thing to realize is that these descriptions of the different phases of relationships are not based on the physical things. Instead, when we talking about the three different relationship models for a marriage we are comparing/ examining the affective and cognitive relationship and effects that in-turn influence the sensorimotor or physical.

These three models of marriage can be thought of as phases of marriage or steps that almost all married couples experience at one time or another. The Unity model is the last phase or the goal that all couples should strive to achieve and for most couples the dominance model is where we begin. And so we want to progress from one phase to the next; the male dominance model to the equity model and then the equity model to the unity model preparing to spend eternity together as a couple.

The “Male Dominance Model” is sadly what America has portrayed as the social norm. This model is the traditional concept that most people have ingrained in their minds as children growing up. As its title suggests, the male dominance model describes a relationship in which the male is domineering and selfish. This is a relationship in which all of the attention, both affective and cognitive, are focused on the man in the marriage with no concern for the wife. When most people think of this model they may think of a marriage in which the husband has a fulltime job and the wife is a stay at home housewife. People may think of this type of scenario as a male dominance model because the husband is controlling what the wife does by forcing her to do all of the physical house chores (washing the dishes, making the meals, cleaning the house, etc). But in fact, this scenario does not describe a male dominance model because of these things alone it is more importantly considered an example of a male dominance model because the husband does not care at all if the wife is happy or not; he only cares if he is happy (coming home to a clean house).

When the husband in the relationship acts, speaks, or makes decisions without considering how his wife might feel, he is being selfish and ultimately his actions, attitude, and words become disjunctive and damaging to the relationship. When something is disjunctive, it means that it repeals one spouse from the other because they are not connecting affectively and/or cognitively. When a spouse does something that causes the couple to connect affectively and/or cognitively this is called conjunctive.

So when we look more closely at what a male dominance model entails it becomes much more clear that the male dominance model is not simply the scenario where the husband works a full-time job and the wife is a stay at home house mom. Male dominance models can occur in a marriage where both the wife and husband work or where the husband and wife are so wealthy that they do not need to work or any number of different scenarios. The male dominance model/ relationship can be present in any type of scenario where the male is unconcerned for or unconscious of his partner’s well being and happiness.

The good news about this model is that anyone who finds themselves in this kind of relationship can change or progress to the next phase: the equity model of marriage. Although, there is one thing that is very important to keep in mind that is you will often find couples going back and forth between these different marriage models sometimes for the better and sometime for the worse. But the way I see it is if you the man really love your wife you are always going to remember how happy she makes you and will want to make her happy, that’s what keeps me going when I realize that I have fallen short of my responsibilities to keep my wife happy.

With that said, we will now discuss the part I like to think of as compromise or also known as the “Equity Model.” The equity model in appearance gives the wife more power to do things. In this model the husband tolerates his wife and on occasion permits his wife to do something that she might really enjoy. But again this type of relationship is restrictive on how strong of a bond can form between spouses. The husband is merely displaying an outward attempt to appear as a sweet husband when in fact he is still thinking about himself and his reputation. He may think that he has given his wife what she wants but he still has not connected with her affectively or cognitively. He does not know what she enjoys and why she enjoys it and has no interest in enjoying it with her.

I like using the term compromise because I see this model as the husband giving in to one or two of his wife’s demands just so she will stop bugging/pestering him about it. It can also be thought of as a phase where there is a power struggle, where the wife wants more and the husband gives her more but not enough (he is still ultimately calling the shots). This is where the big problem is, the husband still wants to be independent and in control not only over himself but also over the marriage. He thinks that if any final decisions have to be made they should be made by him and if he is not around to make those decisions wait until he gets back or becomes available to make them.

Now you may be asking yourself how is that an improvement from phase 1 (the male dominance model)? The answer is although there is not much of an improvement in terms of connecting on an affective and cognitive level the husband is hopefully beginning to understand that he cannot control everything in the relationship and that changes are a necessity. One of the main things the husband is still lacking is the proper frame of mind or perspective that will properly motivate him to progress to phase 3 the “Unity Model” of marriage.

As just mentioned, the unity model of marriage requires the husband to think of his marriage differently than that of a traditional marriage where it is “till death do you part” instead he needs to come to the realization that his wife is his eternal soul mate. If he understands, accepts, and embraces this concept then he will want to achieve the unity model of marriage and will experience the term I used to describe this model: “bliss.”

A husband in the unity model will strive to enjoy the things his wife enjoys, try and be an active part in her daily life, and most importantly will become her best friend. He will want to talk to her about how her day was and he will want to want to watch the television shows she watches. The husband must feel what his wife feels, think what his wife thinks, and do what his wife would do, and he will enjoy doing all of these things because he loves his wife. By doing these things he will bond with her in ways that goes far beyond physical intimacy or physical attraction.

The unity model of marriage truly describes a relationship in which the husband unites with his wife in every aspect; he merely becomes physical extension of her. This model of marriage is the full intended potential for every marriage and although it may sound like a relatively easy concept or easy thing to do it is not something that can happen overnight it usually takes years to achieve.

I have provided a table displayed below that provides a quick summary of the contrasts between the three relationship approaches:

Scenarios or Descriptions	Male Dominance Model	Equity Model	Unity Model
Husband is very controlling	X
Husband enjoys doing all of the same things as his spouse			X
Husband makes decisions without consideration of spouse	X
"Fine, I'll help put away the dishes but after the game is over"		X
Husband does things because he wants to	X
"Honey, can you drop my mother off at the airport tomorrow during your lunch break?" "Sure thing dear, I would love to."			X
"I expect a clean house and hot food on the table when I get back from work."	X
"Sure, we can watch your chick flick but only if we can watch my movie first.		X
Husband leaves after dinner to hang out with the guys unannounced to his wife.	X
Husband buys his wife a gift to say he is sorry but does nothing else.		X
Husband is sad, upset, or happy when the wife is sad, upset, or happy.			X
"Sure I'd love to go with you guys hiking this weekend." "What about your wife?" "Nah she would only slow us down."	X
Husband connects with wife affectively and cognitively.			X
Husband compromises and allows wife to win some arguments but still has the final say.		X
"After I finish washing the dishes honey, is there anything else you would like me to help you out with?"			X
"Babe, where are the stakes at I told you to pick some up for dinner tonight, and why aren't my clothes laid out for tomorrow.	X
"Honey you know that concert of yours I said we could go to, well it turns out we can't I've got a game that day."		X
Husband has an eternal perspective about his marriage.			X
Husband thinks he is being fair but is only doing something for his wife because he will benefit from it.		X
All of the behavior and decisions the husband makes are focused on making his wife happy.			X

Part II: De Angelis, Schlessinger, and Tannen

In this section of my paper I will further describe and illustrate the differences between the three models of marriage by referring to three relationship books written by three different authors. Each author of each book promotes or prescribes one of the three models or phases of marriage. These three books are Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s book The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage representing the Male dominance model, Deborah Tannen’s book You Just Don’t Understand representing the Equity Model, and Barbra Deangelis’s book What Women Want Men to Know describing the Unity Model (see Part VI: References).

Dr. Laura’s book The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage promotes the male dominance model marriage or relationship for several reasons. The biggest of these reasons is because Dr. Laura does not tell her readers that they need to create a relationship based on cohesion of cognition and affection between couples. Instead Dr. Laura takes the strong stance that men and women are different and one spouse should not expect the other to think, feel, or behave the same way he or she does but instead accept their spouse’s differences and move on with their lives. One example taken from Dr. Laura’s book is a quote of a house wife who makes a suggestion as to how to handle a relationship in these regards:

“My husband is a wonderful man, but he is not concerned about housekeeping or making social plans. I think to make marriage work, men and women need to respect their gender differences and personality differences.” (Schlessinger pg. 88)

And of course, Dr. Laura was in full support of this view. Again the reason why this does not work is because it promotes or endorses a couple to invest their interests in other things other than their spouse which will ultimately drive the couple apart. They can never achieve a unity model relationship as long as they develop more and more things dissimilar to one another. This is a disjunctive action. In a male dominance model the man is only concerned with himself and does not see any need to change. Often the rationale expressed in this model of a relationship is “you knew I was like this when you married me.”

If couples are lead to believe that there is no need to be unified in what they do, and by this I mean in everything not just big things on like how many kids they want to have but also on the little things like the type of television programs to watch, then they will lack a desire to be together for eternity. Motivation which will be touched upon again in this paper is not only the force that helps progress a relationship from one phase or model to the next but it also keeps the couple together. And if a couple cannot see the importance in being in agreement about everything then they will always be stuck in a superficial relationship.

Dr. Laura’s book also doesn’t attempt to address the little problems that couples have with one another instead, much of her advice to solving marriage or relationship problems seems to be to over look these problems. Again in quoting one of her listener’s she supports the idea of ignoring problems that in actuality prevent couples from connecting cognitively and affectively:

“Let the little things go. Let it roll off you and be grateful for your love and friendship.” (Schlessinger pg. 59)

Another characteristic of the male dominance model in Dr. Laura’s book is how Dr. Laura often makes the women or wife in the relationship feel as though she has done something wrong because her man is unhappy. Dr. Laura always views the women as having something she needs to overcome when in fact it is the opposite; it is the man who needs to change to make his wife happier. One of the many complaints that Dr. Laura receives from her female listeners is that their significant others are always complaining that they are not receiving enough sex or that they are being deprived of sex.

I am often challenged by an angry woman with the question “Am I obligated to have sex with my husband? Even when I don’t feel like it?” My answer has always been the same. “Yes, the same way he is obligated to go to work and support the family even when he doesn’t feel like it.” (Schlessinger pg. 132)

This piece of advice is so far from helpful that it is actually damaging to the relationship. This idea of giving into sexual blackmail (give me sex or I’ll keep complaining) only makes the female feel as though something is wrong with her for not wanting to have sex whenever her partner wants to. This will also reinforce the man’s position to keep abusing the relationship in order to “satisfy” his hormonal urges. Again Dr. Laura’s advice to her readers is to do what will make him happy. Unfortunately it seems as though Dr. Laura is convinced that if the man in the relationship is kept happy then the women in the relationship will be happy as well but this just is not true.

By looking at Deborah Tannen’s book You Just Don’t Understand we are provided with several examples of what constitutes as a equity model marriage or relationship. Again, the equity model involves a struggle for power in the relationship. In this model often times the male appears to be trying to make the wife happy or seems to be thinking about his wife when in fact he only does things for her to make himself look good in front of others. In this phase the man’s intentions may even be to help his wife but unconsciously he still strives to be domineering and in control. Perhaps it is easiest to think of some of the major differences between the male dominance model and equity model as being that in the male dominance model the man in the relationship has not made or does not attempt to make any outward/physical as well as internal (affective & cognitive) changes to unite himself with his spouse. In the equity model the male begins to correct his physical outward behaviors but still does not align himself internally with his wife.

Deborah Tannen promotes this equity model in her book one way by discussing the roles that men and women take in conversations. Tannen explains that men communicate for totally different reasons than women and expect different things from their communication partners. For example:

Women use “yeah” to mean “I’m with you, I follow,” whereas men tend to say “yeah” only when they agree. . . . When a man is confronted with a women who has been saying “yeah,” “yeah,” “yeah,” and then turns out not to agree, he may conclude that she has been insincere, or that she was agreeing without really listening. When a woman is confronted with a man who does not say “yeah” – or much of anything else – she may conclude that he hasn’t been listening. (Tannen pg. 142)

By taking this stance and attempting to teach her readers how to adjust and “thrive” in a communication dyad as illustrated above. Tannen is not encouraging the man to truly listen to what the woman has to say. Deborah Tannen is not challenging her male readers to conjoin themselves with the thoughts of their significant other, instead she is merely justifying the differences. Tannen is teaching couples how to compete with one another to communicate; she wants each spouse to be able to understand one another but not necessarily form any bonds of deeper understanding. For a true unity model relationship to exist the male must strive to think the same way his partner does and enjoy it not rationalize why she says the things she says.

Even looking deeper into Tannen’s text the reader can become aware of how much she believes that a relationship is about compromises. In the following quote taken from a section entitled “Intimacy and Independence” Tannen explains that women strive for intimacy and men for independence but then goes on say how these things must be balanceDaughter:

Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. To survive in the world, we have to act in concert with others, but to survive as ourselves, rather than simply as cons in a wheel, we have to act alone. (Tannen pg. 27)

A relationship is not a balancing act! Spouses should not be treated with contempt. Tannen is teaching that it is acceptable to outward display one thing but inwardly feel the opposite. Going back to what I mentioned earlier about the equity model overcoming outward or physical behaviors that keep couples apart but that there is still an inward conflict of interests between the couple is made very evident here. This feature characteristic of a equity model relationship will keep the couple from being honest with one another. The woman will not be able to trust her man which may lead to her feeling unsecure or unprotected when those are things that women wants a man to make her feel (secure and protected). And the male unconsciously will feel as though his partner is the enemy, having to lie to her and keep secrets from her. This equity model of a relationship is doomed to failure because a relationship must be more than just an appearance for it to endure eternity.

A relationship that is going to last for eternity consists of much more than the man allowing the women to do what she wants occasionally and vice versa. It cannot consist of one sided decisions or compromises. A relationship that is going to last for eternity is a relationship in which both partners are focused on the same goals. They must both want to belong in the unity model. They must both understand what it means to be in a unity model, be committed to it, and understand that it is not something achieved overnight.

Barbra Deangelis’ book What Women Want Men to Know most closely exemplifies the type of relationship that is necessary to have a unity model marriage. Deangelis focuses on how important it is for men to make that cognitive and affective connection with their partner. She explains that women have the natural urge for their men to understand them not for the sake of getting information across but because they want their men to understand them; to truly understand them. They want me to understand why they enjoy talking about the things they talk about and be involved in the things they do because they love them. As a matter of fact Deangelis from the very beginning of her book mentions thins point.

“We want men to understand us, to truly grasp why we are the way we are the way we are and why we need the things we do. And we feel frustrated and upset when it appears that you [men] don’t understand us.” (Deangelis pg. 31)

Deangelis recognizes that women are always trying to create a sense of connection in the relationship because as she so accurately points out that men do not really know what it means to connect, not in the same way it means to a woman. She says:

“Connecting is about creating an experience of intimacy, bridging the gap between oneself and someone or something else.” (Deangelis pg. 139)

She continues to say in her book that this urge to connect is something innate to women because they are the ones that give birth to newborns and use this connection in the process of nourishing those children into full adulthood. Where as men in nature tend to be much more hesitant to connect. So you see it is up to the man to recognize this need to connect and to follow the woman’s natural lead. I think Deangelis describes why there is this need for a connection both cognitively and affectively between a man and a woman so perfectly and beautifully when she says:

“…When a woman feels connected, she feels safe. She is aligned, she is supported, she is not alone. And the reverse is true as well – the sense of disconnection creates a feeling of fear and loss.” “Women crave emotional connection with the men we love. It allows our minds to relax and our hearts to open.” (Deangelis pg. 142)

The descriptions of how to really develop your relationship and connect with your spouse or significant other in her book are totally in agreement with what is required in a unity model relationship. Men need to align themselves with how their partners feel, think, and behave and not for any other reason other than to make his partner happy. Making these connections with our spouses is the only way we can experience what I like to call “bliss.” To me this bliss that we can achieve through the unity model means creating an environment/relationship in which everything is at perfect peace and the love you and your spouse feel and express for one another is boundless.

With the examples given from the other books we can see that many people over look what is really important in a relationship. Some people think that a real relationship should be about control (male dominance model) and some think it should be about balance (equity model) but what is really necessary to build a relationship that will last for eternity is based on unity, where both partners are cognitively and affectively conjoined. If both man and wife are conjoined affectively and cognitively than there is nothing that keeps them apart not even when they experience physical death. A couple that achieves the unity model of marriage is bound together for eternity because they have the same loves, they have the same desires, they want the same things, they complete each other.

Part III: Analysis & Dialog of Male Dominance, Equity, and the Unity Model

This section of my paper is dedicated to illustrating the three perspectives through an analysis of couple dialog. These dialogs were created by the collaborative effort of class members of five different teams. Prior generation student reports on dialog analysis were referenced in the creation of these soaps. Each dialog will have numbered lines as to allow the reader to follow the analysis exactly. Commentary will also include discussion how each dialog can be improved or strengthened, or which lines are weak in expressing the perspective.

Male Dominance Model Dialog:

 (Driving back home from visiting the in-laws parents are sitting in the front and daughter in the back seat talking on her cell phone)

1. WIFE: Honey, I’m getting worried about my parents they’re getting pretty old. My dad won’t change how he eats and he doesn’t even try to lose any weight. I’m afraid if he doesn’t start taking care of himself he’s going to die soon. And my mom is really dependant on him for almost everything I don’t think she could live on her own.
2. HUSBAND: C’mon babe, I think you’re over reacting a little. I mean sure your dad could lose some weight but he’s not going to die any time soon. So stop your worrying. Besides if your dad does pass away I’m sure your mom can take care of herself.
3. WIFE: Well I always thought that we would take care of my parents.
4. HUSBAND: Are you kidding? We can’t do that. Your sister and her husband can take care of your mom.
5. WIFE: But we have that little guess house and my sister just had her second child two months ago plus her husband is always gone at work.
6. HUSBAND: Sorry it aint happening. Anyways, my brother and I are going to convert the guest house into a little billiards hall and maybe even put a little wetbar in there. Oh it’s gonna be great!
7. WIFE: What. . . a billiards hall? What are you talking about? You never mentioned this to me.
8. HUSBAND: Why would I need to? My brother and I have got it all worked out. And you know what depending on how big and nice it is I might even try to charge admission. We can make some money here.
9. WIFE: But were talking about my family.
10. HUSBAND: Relax, like I said if anything does happens to your dad, which I doubt, your mom can stay with your sisters family, her husband is going to be a doctor they’ll have tons of money.
11. WIFE: But that’s not fair. What if it was your parents we were talking about, I’m sure you would act differently then.
12. HUSBAND: Honey I’m not going to get into this what if debate with you.

(Daughter in the back seat of the car starts to speak to parents)

13. DAUGHTER: Dad Stephanie wants to know what time we’re going to pick her up.
14. HUSBAND: Sweetie can you tell Stephanie you’ll call her back later.
15. DAUGHTER: Ok dad. Hey Stephanie I’ve gotta go I’ll talk to ya later . . . . . I know isn’t it going to be awesome (excited squeal).
16. HUSBAND: Ssweeetiee!
17. DAUGHTER: (on phone) Gotta go bye. (hang-up cell).
18. WIFE: Don, what was all that about?
19. HUSBAND: Oh nothing you know teenage girls.
20. DAUGHTER: (excitedly) Dad’s gonna take me and Stephanie to a Smashmouth concert isn’t it totally awesome! Sorry daddy I could help it I’m so happy and excited. You’re the coolest dad ever!
21. WIFE: Don what does Jill mean you’re going to take her and her friend to see a concert?
22. DAUGHTER: Mom don’t be mad at Dad.
23. WIFE: Jill don’t worry daddy and I are just going to have an adult conversation about this.
24. HUSBAND: Now honey
25. WIFE: (interrupting) Don, she is only 14 years old and there are all kinds of weirdoes that go to concerts to try and take advantage of little girls just like Jill.
26. HUSBAND: I knew you were going to react like this. This is exactly why I wasn’t going to tell you about it. You always blow things out of proportion making a big deal out of nothing.
27. WIFE: Nothing? This is not nothing. We’re talking about our only daughter here.
28. HUSBAND: Just relax and listen for a minute. I’ll be escorting the girls to the concert and it’s not like they will be the only teenage girls at the concert.
29. WIFE: Don’t you think you should have brought this up with me first before buying tickets to this concert?
30. HUSBAND: Don’t worry I planned everything out. It’s on a weekend and Stephanie’s father approved of her going along.
31. WIFE: That’s not what I’m talking about. We’re suppose to make decisions together.
32. HUSBAND: Now C’mon honey if we had to talk to each other before making any decisions nothing would get done around here. Listen lets just relax and enjoy the rest of the drive home ok. (husband turns up the radio).

Analysis:

In line 2 when the husband responds to his wife’s comments about her parents he shows no empathy or concern. The husband actually kind of shrugs it off and acts as though he does not take his wife’s opinions or input seriously. When the husband says “I think you’re over reacting” he is putting her down and telling her indirectly that she has poor judgment skills.

In line 4 when the husband says “Are you kidding” he again subconsciously telling her that he is not going to take any of her ideas as serious because he has already made plans. In the same line he offers what he thinks is a quick solution to the problem instead of trying to understand her concerns and make a plan together about what they should do about her parents.

In line 6 the husband tells his wife that he has already made plans without her. This demonstrates one of the characteristics of the male dominance model because he does not discuss things with his wife; he wants to be independent and feels it is un-necessary to make decisions together. In line eight he states that he doesn’t even see the need to talk about big decisions like this with her.

In line 10 he tries to tell her to “relax” as though there is nothing to worry about but he is only saying this because he is not concerned with her problems. The man in the male dominance model only cares about himself ultimately and sees others as tools to help him achieve what he wants.

When the husband in line 12 says that he is not going to get into a debate over the topic with his wife he is again asserting control not only over the decisions made regarding what to do with the guest house but also the conversation. The husband in this model feels as though he must be in control of all aspects related to him including what his wife does and how they spend their money.

Then there is another part of the scene where the husband has not told the wife that he has bought tickets for his daughter to go to a concert (lines 21 – 32). This is again what a husband/ father should not do. What he should do is always discuss things with his wife first before anyone else including children.

Overall, I think this dialog does a great job of showing how a couple in a male dominance model would behave. If I had to make any adjustments I might try to develop the characters more to show how disjunctive their cognition and affect really is, but that would talk a lot longer of a dialog.

Equity Model Dialog:

1. WIFE: What are you doing tomorrow?
2. HUSBAND: I’m gonna have lunch with a friend.
3. WIFE: Right on, with who? Anyone I know?
4. HUSBAND: Kim
5. WIFE: Who’s Kim?
6. WIFE: Have you ever dated her?
7. HUSBAND: We did a while ago, but we’re just friends now.
8. WIFE: How do you know she doesn’t just want to sleep with you?
9. HUSBAND: Cause she’s just my friend, and you’re my girlfriend now.
10. WIFE: Well, I’ve had boyfriends that have cheated on me before in this type of situation.
11. HUSBAND: Well that was the past, and I’m different than those guys.
12. WIFE: That’s what they all say. Girls are conniving. I bet she has an ulterior motive.
13. HUSBAND: You don’t even know her. How do even know she’s like that?
14. WIFE: Well how about this: Can I come to lunch with you guys?
15. HUSBAND: If you really want to.
16. WIFE: Are you sure? I don’t want to make it uncomfortable for you and Kim.
17. HUSBAND: It’ll be cool. You guys will get along.
18. WIFE: Ok, I’m excited to meet one of your lady friends.

(After Lunch)

19. HUSBAND: Oh, so what did you think about Kim?
20. WIFE: I still don’t trust her. You guys had a lot of inside jokes. It seems like you guys are still really close and that makes me feel uncomfortable.

21. M: We dated for a long time and went through a lot of stuff together but you’re my girlfriend now.
22. WIFE: I don’t want you talking to her or seeing her.
23. HUSBAND: Why don’t you trust me to talk to her? Why don’t we talk about this. She’s my friend and I don’t want to loose her as a friend.

24. WIFE: Ok, well how about you let me know before you interact with her.
25. HUSBAND: That sounds fair, alright.
26. WIFE: Love you.
27. HUSBAND: Love you too.

Analysis:

In this dialog we can see that the couple is struggling with some trust issues and perhaps full disclosure issue as well. Beginning at line 5 of the dialog when the wife asks who the husband is going to have lunch with we can begin to speculate that the husband did not feel the need to inform his wife about his current relationships with other people. This in turn, gives her reason to be concerned about this other female that her husband has never mentioned before but is not going out to eat lunch with.

When spouses are not forth coming about information concerning past, present, or future events it is the same as keeping a secret. And keeping a secret can be considered dishonesty. I believe this gives the wife reason to question her husband as she does in line 6. Then when the wife suspects that the female friend, Kim, may want to sleep with him she expresses more concern by telling him in line 10 about how she has been cheated on before. The husband dismisses her concerns in line 11 with a superficial comment instead of trying to understand things from her perspective and relate to her. The husband is failing to conjoin himself affectively with her.

I think perhaps one of the main characteristics of the equity model that my group was trying to make evident in this dialog was how the couple compromised on how they are going to handle the husband going to lunch with an ex-girlfriend. In line 14 the wife suggests that she goes with her husband to meet his friend Kim and he agrees but later on in line 22 she becomes opposed to him meeting with Kim again. At this point it becomes clear that this an equity model relationship because the husband wants it to look like he is trying to please the wife by taking her along to meet the friend but never intended to stop see his ex-girlfriend as found in lines 23 – 25. A person in the unity model would have realized that his wife was right and that he should not be hanging out with ex-girlfriends.

Now unfortunately I do see some things that I think could have been done better when writing this dialog. Firs I think the wife in the dialog is made to seem a little too aggressive or bold although I’m sure someone in this same situation could be just as aggressive. Then there is the fact that the dialog has a happy ending with lines 10 and 11where the couple basically makeup and say they love each other. This is a problem because in the equity model there really shouldn’t be a resolution that either couple is truly happy with because they compromised. The last lines give the reader the impression that the equity model provides couples with happy endings to arguments such as this one.

Unity Model Dialog:

Scenario: This couple is in the office of their accountant who is filling out their tax forms. The accountant has left the office for a few minutes and they are alone. They are talking about their expenses and the changes in lifestyle they need to make in order to make ends meet. The things they talk about include things suggested to them by the accountant, namely eating out less often, taking a lunch bag to work, and fixing up his older car instead of buying a new one now.

1. HUSBAND: I guess this means we’re going to have to make some changes around here.
2. WIFE: Yes, it seems that way honey. Maybe you could start ridding your bicycle to work instead of driving.
3. HUSBAND: You know what dear, you’re right that’s a great idea. I’ll probably even lose a little weight by riding my bike instead.
4. WIFE: Another good idea would probably be for us to stop eating out so much.
5. HUSBAND: Not a problem, I can make us lunches to pack for work in the morning before I leave for work. And you know what it would probably be healthier for us to start bringing home made lunch to work anyways. You’re really thinking of some great ideas honey not only are we going to be saving money but we’ll also be living a healthier lifestyle.
6. WIFE: Well thank you sweet-heart, but what are we going to do about our old car I really need a dependable car to get around? What do you think?
7. HUSBAND: I could take the car in one of these days during the week on a lunch break to see a mechanic about getting it fixed to try and save money instead of buying a new car.
8. WIFE: Ok that sounds like a good idea but just remember you’re going to have to do that next week because I’m going to need the car all this week I’ve got tons of things I need to do all over town.
9. HUSBAND: Not a problem honey, I’ll wait until you are done using the car. Well, I think all of these ideas are really going to help us out.
10. WIFE: I think so too, thanks for being so supportive. I love you.
11. HUSBAND: I love you too dear.

Analysis:

In this dialog we can see how the husband and wife strive to make things work out not only for themselves for their partner as well. For example in line 2 when the wife suggests that the husband start riding a bike to work to save money on gas the husband in line 3 realizes that he will benefit from this physically as well. The husband takes these suggestions from his wife and doesn’t debate or argue over them but instead finds benefits to these suggestions. The fact that he also complements his wife for her ideas, line 3, also can show us that he is not afraid to acknowledge his wife’s abilities to plan and budget. He does not feel authoritatively threatened by and does not see it as a command.

The husband in this model is also demonstrating the fact that he wants to help her any way he can as shown in lines 5,7, and 9 when he goes out of his way to accommodate his wife’s schedule. A man in the male dominance model would never offer to do something like this for his wife, instead he would be telling her that her ideas were dumb and that she is to blame for their financial situation. In an equity model the husband would complain and try to weasel some kind of deal in exchange for doing these things. But in the unity model we can see that the husband’s intentions/ motives are purely to please his wife.

I do think this dialog does a wonderful job of showing what the unity model of marriage can look like. The only reservation or thing that I could suggest in improving it would be is to add more dialog. Although at the same time, I think that our group wrote such a short dialog for the unity model because looking at the other model’s dialogs half of the lines consist of arguments or disjunctive quotes whereas in our unity model dialog we tried to avoid any thing that would be considered disjunctive.

Part IV: The Three Models of Marriage Through the Lens of

In this section of my paper I am going to use the one of the many wonderful facets of the internet, namely YouTube, to illustrate some of the different qualities between the three models of a marriage or relationship. In addition to each link of an example of one of the models I will provide a description/explanation as to why the clip portrays the specific type of model. Enjoy.

1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHxo4vvbRLw

This link will take you to a video which seems to promote the equity model of marriage. Why do I say this? Well, the older person in the video comes out and says that it’s ok to disagree. Now does that sound conjunctive (something that brings a couple closer together) to you? I would hope not. While it is true that men and women are “wired differently” it does not mean that a relationship should be built upon differences. A couple that truly wants to spend eternity together will understand that differences are something that must be resolved not ignored or looked upon as ok. The older person thinks that having different opinions and different ways of doing things are something that will not hurt a relationship, actually he advises the viewer to overlook these things. To me, I don’t understand how a couple could stand being around each other if all they do is continue to create more and more things that their partner is not interested in at all.

This video also talks about compromising when coming to an argument for the sake of children if any present but in truth compromise is not a solution at all. Compromise really equates to buried resentment and a struggle for power that has come to a stalemate. The advice given of “just let it go” would be great except for the fact that people are pretty much incapable of this. A man and woman in a relationship need to be united their ideas, judgments, and desires and if not then they are in disagreement and will never really make much progress as a couple. While the creators of this video had good intentions in mind when they gave this advice the concept of true unity seems to have eluded them.

2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH9_dOufy2E

This video clip is an example of a male dominance relationship. From the very beginning of the conversation the male is asserting his dominance on his partner by telling what to do (eat this … don’t eat that…). Your spouse should not be controlled like a pet or piece of property. All of the actions taken by the male are done without consideration of the how his spouse might feel. In addition, even though it may seem like he just wants her to be healthy, it is not because he cares about her he is only concerned about the unborn child. This concern for the unborn child is more than likely due to how he views it as another piece of his property that he must control even before it is born. He is making all the decisions independently. Then when he does something for her it is only to get her to be quiet. There is no attempt to align himself with her mentally or emotionally.

3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mRW7YhA0Ok

This video clip is an example of how a unity model should be. First of all the guy on the right cares enough about his partner to be concerned that they don’t have that much in common. This means he has a desire to connect with her cognitively, he wants to enjoy doing the same things she does and vice versa. The other guy on the left advises his conversational partner to talk with his girlfriend about this issue, which is a big “must do” for a unity model relationship. The advice about trust is also vital but at the same time you cannot just trust that everything is alright and put no work into maintaining a unity model relationship. The unity model takes a lot of work to achieve and men will always have moments where they falter but that is ok. The goal is to be in the unity model a majority of the time but people do fluctuate between models at times. The guy in this video is genuinely concerned for his partner more than himself. I think it’s a good clip.

4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AW1sl4dNemI&feature=related

The advice the woman gives in this video is totally based on a male dominance model. For starters it makes the woman in the relationship feel as though if there are any problems in the relationship that it is her fault. Then these rules that she gives are things that men want women to do. This is a one sided perspective taken from the males point of view on how to make him happier not how to create a relationship that will last eternity. The questions: “when will I see you again, why didn’t you call, where were you, where is this going, we need to talk, did you sleep with her, and did you miss me” are really signs to the man that he is not doing a proper job of keeping his woman happy. If she is asking these questions she is more than likely feeling lonely, abandoned, unprotected (vulnerable), and unwanted.

5. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAMlJr4J7sE&feature=related

I think this video gives good advice on how to create and maintain a relationship based on the unity model. Sure the advice she gives seems simple and old fashion but these things truly do open the door way to establishing a good relationship and good habits. By listening to what your partner has to say and keeping a conversation balanced, not one sided, you begin to create that cognitive bond with your partner. Asking questions also lets your partner know that you are interested in what they have to say. All of these etiquette rules mentioned by the speaker in the video are also a ways of showing a woman respect. When you open or door for a woman or don’t start eating until she has started eating you show her that you are willing to put her before yourself and are truly concerned about pleasing her. This kind of behavior gives all the focus to the woman which is ultimately what is necessary to create a unity model of marriage.

6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVPpYxogEfY

I know, or at least hope, that this video is presented as being something to laugh at but unfortunately it rings true for some relationships out there so for the purposes of this paper this video will obviously serve as a demonstration of the male dominance model. The “9 ways to treat a women” as presented/ suggested in the video are to treat her like she is a: “maid, a mother, a Christmas tree, a Nintendo cartridge, like she has a black hole in her chest, a mother dressed up as a bowling pin, like she’s E News, like she doesn’t believe in magic squirrels don’t exist, and ‘like she is a lady’.” Throughout the whole video there is not one possible way that any respect or affection can be shown for the woman in the relationship. This video should probably be titled “9 ways not to treat a woman.” Above everything else I think this video really subjectifies how many men in today’s society objectify women as someone there to serve on them hand and foot. It can be thought of like a play where the male is the only actor so all of the attention is given to him and the woman is merely a piece of the background un-noticed and neglected.

7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aq9Dgf42uPE

This video clip clearly portrays a relationship that can only be described as a male dominance model. The man in the video ignores the woman completely as if she is saying nothing or not even there. Then the man goes through her things and tells her what to wear. Throughout the whole video he does not stop once to first of all if he can come in, but he also does not attempt to make any conversation not even a hello. I think what is totally crazy is that the woman actually does what he tells her to do. Obviously this is a scene from a fictional television show but they portray this woman as if she secretly enjoyed being told what to do. The man even demands sex from her after she has made him dinner. Sex is part of a process that a couple participates in to bond affectively and is not something that should be done simply because you are told to do it.

8. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLoJ_0R_TS8

The marriage counselor in this video gives sound advice that is most closely related to developing a unity model relationship. She talks about how important it is for spouses or partners to understand one another’s values by talking and listening to your partner. She also advises against criticizing or passing judgment on your partner. Let your partner know that when you spend time together he/she if safe from all of the scrutiny and dangers of the outside world. A unity model relationship is all about feeling safe and secure with your partner.

9. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6YrgAwPx-M&NR=1
Although this video starts out with great advice and contains some aspects of a unity model it seems to lean towards an equity model. I say this because first of all when a man forgets about himself and puts the concerns of his spouse before his he is not “whipped”. This video seems to suggest that men should put on the front that they are caring, thoughtful, to pay attention to detail, and be generous but for only one reason . . . to be “rewarded.” If you do all of these things you need to be doing them for the right reasons, because you are committed to creating a unity model relationship. Intentions are how men can determine if they are taking appropriate steps to building a unity model relationship because the only intention the man should have is to ensure his partner’s happiness.

10. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02EroOgIFSc

This video definitely seems to give the right kind of tips that will lead to a unity model relationship. First of all there is the acknowledgment that men need to know what makes their partners happy. They need to sit down with their spouse and try to understand what she wants. I think that actually sitting down with your partner is a huge point in this video. Too many times men want to make their women happy and will make several attempts to do so before coming discouraged and giving up and all because he failed to communicate directly to his spouse about how he can be a good partner. Communication is key, it will ultimately lead to creating connections cognitively and hopefully affectively.

Part V: “My 2 Cents” on Taking this Course

During my studies in college I’ve been challenged by a lot of different things but have also learned that by exposing myself to these things I have increased in my capacity to reason, study, and learn new materials. This is a course that has required those things of me. The concept of dualism, the mental world of reality, and how the unity model of marriage works were new and challenging ideas to me. More than likely most students when they first hear about these terms or started the course were thrown off by how much these new concepts differ from what we have learned thus far in college. The material presented in Dr. James’ course will require students to open their minds to other possibilities that challenge the traditional.

Students in the course must be willing to entertain the theory of dualism that there is not only one physical world but instead there is a physical world and a spiritual world which Dr. James calls the mental world of eternity. Everything taught in his course is based upon these principle concepts and if a student fails to understand how these concepts work then that student will struggle throughout the class. Understand that Dr. James does not require his students to automatically grasp his whole theory in the four months that you are enrolled in his class, after-all he has spent over 20 years developing these theories. Dr. James just expects of his students the effort to test out and reason out his theory.

One of these key concepts mentioned, the mental world of eternity, is something that the student must understand in order to follow the reasoning or logic proposed by the three different models of marriage. All three of the models are based on the premise that we continue to exist after physical death in our mental bodies. And by studying dualism and the mental world of eternity one finds that in order for a person to continue to dwell with another person for eternity these two people (couples) must form bonds (cognitive and affective). Many of the relationships we see common in society today such as the male dominance or equity model relationships do not allow a couple to spend eternity with one another because they are not conjoined.

Something else students need to be aware of is the need to get past the physical or monistic perspective. For anything to make sense in this course you need to be able to analyze things that are non physical; students need to be able to analyze the cognition, the intention, and the emotions that often create the sensorimotor reactions that we see. Students need to keep in mind that any one of these three models can take place in any kind of physical environment or any kind of physical condition because these models are mental (non-physical).

Reading the posted notes provided by Dr. James is also something strongly advised and for a good reason. By reading the lecture notes on the unity model of marriage students are not only better equipped to participate in class discussions but also gain a deeper understanding of its importance. The content presented in the course is not only designed to educate but to assist couples at a personal level. The goal is to help couples and future couples to achieve that bliss or happiness we all want. By learning about each phase or model the student learns how to identify what mistakes to avoid and what things to strive for.

Participating in class discussions are something else I would highly recommend. I myself try to be involved as much as possible because I’ve come to realize this is the best way I learn things. If students become involved in the class discussions then they engage themselves and are more prone to take the concepts discussed and give them deeper contemplation. I’ve also found that participation forces me to play out the scenarios in my mind and become involved in the reasoning of why certain behaviors are typical of one model versus another model. The opportunity to involve yourself in class discussion will also aid you in becoming a better public speaker and increase your ability to convey concepts that may not be regularly expressed. In addition to all of these benefits participating is a requirement and a part of your grade.

Perhaps one of the greatest things about this class is the fact that you get to act out these three different models of marriage with fellow students. These performances referred to as “soaps” are not only educational because they force the students to show what the differences are between the models but also because the students can really have fun with these scripts that they create and enact. During these performances, students have the opportunity to step out of their usual selves and experience first hand what it would feel like to be in that specific type of model they are enacting. It is almost like teaching someone about the ocean and then allowing them to swim in it to experience all the things that could not be explained or conveyed other wise.

Lastly and most importantly I think students in this course need to realize two things. First off, the content of the class is proposed as a theory that Dr. James has worked out and developed over several years and is not something one must adopt into their own belief system in order to do well in class, they just willing to listen, learn, and do your work. I believe that collage is designed to challenge our way of thinking and force us to develop old ideas in to new ones. With that said no one in collage expects you the student to lay down and accept whatever you are told as truth, instead it is our job to question, analyze, and develop thoughts/concepts of our own. This class is no exemption to that principle. You as the student should listen, read, study, learn, and then ultimately take what you want from the class. Secondly, don’t be afraid to have fun! Explore the possibilities that dualism proposes. Don’t be afraid to speak up if you don’t understand something you come across in the lecture notes or something you heard in discussion. And chances are if you didn’t understand something you’re not alone. Dr. James is very good about making himself available to listen to questions, comments, concerns if any about the course materials. And chances are if you didn’t understand something you’re not alone.

Part VI: References

• De Angelis, Barbara (2001). What Women Want Men to Know New York: Hyperion.

• James, Leon (2008). The Unity Model of Marriage. Online Lecture Notes on the Web: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy28/409b-g28-lecture-notes-p1.htm

• Schlessinger, Laura (2007). The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. New York: Harper.

• Tannen, Deborah (2001).You Just Don’t Understand. New York: Harper.

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