G29, Spring 2009, Psychology 409b

Three Perspectives on Marriage:

Male-Centered, Equity, and Unity

Part I: The Three Models of Marriage

There are three models or phases of marriage. Many couples find themselves stuck in the Male-Centered Model, which is a model that favors the man in the relationship. This is commonly seen in many households across countries, as well as in the media as marriage in the “traditional” sense. The Male-Centered Model includes the male having little or no regard to his female partner. In the male-centered model, the male will automatically prevail in all situations, may it be a simple disagreement or a full blown domestic argument. The couple may be in sync physically, and sensationally (referring to sensory motors), but they lack cohesion in their thoughts and loves, that is their affective and cognitive selves. Many times in this model, it is easy to see men acting disjunctive affectively towards women. For example, if the woman wants the man to stop doing something, she tries to reason with him. She may even beg, but the man can still ignore all the pleas. This is because he is able to get away with it, given our societal norms. If we were to compare the different models to an egg, the Male-Centered Model would consist of only the shell, the outer layer, but not the egg whites nor the yolk, defining aspects of the egg.

Another popular model in popular culture, as well as reality, is the Equity Model. The Equity Model favors no particular sex, which most people refer to as marriage in the “modern” sense. This is what many may refer to as a “give-and-take” relationship. There is not one person clearly yielding towards his/her partner. In this situation, each party is looking out for themselves, negotiating against their partner. The eventual compromise is a result of negotiation. The couple may reach a compromise, but do not fully resolve the underlying problem. The compromise does not bring happiness to both parties, but instead, minor unhappiness because neither party is able to achieve what they originally wanted. In the equity model, there is no automatic triumph for any party, and the woman has no guarantee about anything in this model. Most times, we still see the man getting what he wants and the woman yielding, reverting back to the Male Centered Model. The couple may be in tune with each other physically, sensationally (sensory motor), and cognitively (thoughts), but do not share the same loves, that is their affective selves. Cognitive conjunction includes thinking about your spouse before you make decisions or plans; you include her in your thoughts. However, affective conjunction is not achieved in this model, because the man may still have hidden intentions, hopes, wants, desires. This will always cause a gap between the couple. If we were to compare the Equity Model in comparison to the egg, this would be the shell and the egg whites, but not the yolk. Therefore, the only way to achieve a spiritual marriage is through the Unity Model.

The Unity Model is the only way to attain a spiritual marriage, a marriage which lasts forever in the afterlife. The Unity Model is also based off of the Swedenborg Reports, as well as the Theistic Psychology of Emanuel Swedenborg (1688- 1772). A spiritual marriage is the ultimate goal of every couple. The united couple shares the same loves, thoughts and sensations— that is they are completely in tune in terms of their sensory motor, cognitive, and affective selves. They are never motivated to hurt each other out of negative feelings- that is, neglect, anger, resentment, etc. They are intent on never contradicting each other and remain place each other in the highest, most respectable role in each other’s lives. This means that if one is part of a conjoint self, he/she does not place anyone else, including children, family, friends, before their spouse. They are content and perpetually in love and passion with each other.

In this model, the man of the relationship realizes that in order to obtain a conjugial relationship with his wife, he must yield to her wants and needs, he must understand why, and most importantly, he must crave the spiritual marriage. This is the only way the spiritual marriage will succeed. In comparison to the egg, the Unity Model is the only model which is represented by the whole egg, that is the shell (sensory motors/ physical aspects of relationships), egg whites (cognitive/ thoughts shared within the couple), and the yolk (affective).

The first step to attaining a conjugial marriage is to accept dualism as fact- that is, that each person has two bodies: the mental body, which we occupy in the mental world of Eternity, and our physical body, which we occupy in this lifetime. The mental body is nurtured by the Spiritual Sun. Without releasing the monastic point of view, there is no way to enter the Heavenly realms. The external features pertain to the physical body- that is the social, ego, and psychological aspects of marriage as we know it. The internal aspects of a spiritual marriage pertain to soul mates. In the unity model, as opposed to the other models, where each party in the couple are separate beings, the couple is viewed as one being, a “conjoined self”. This is the ultimate achievement of a couple. If one person in the relationship is upset, so is his/her partner. If one person in the relationship is ecstatic, so is his/her partner.

After death, our bodies stay in a resuscitation zone which lasts for approximately thirty hours. Our mental bodies are tied to whatever we love and hold dear, therefore we essentially become our loves, they are absolutely a defining feature of our mental anatomy. During this time, our mental bodies decide which loves to cling to, may it be Heaven loves, such as unselfish acts towards your spouse, or Hellish loves, such as unwilling to floss and unhygienic practices. Every day, our physical bodies oscillate between hellish and heavenly loves. God separates the roots of these loves, and by the time we resuscitate, you have fully formed heavenly and hellish personalities. Whichever loves you cling to will determine where your mental body will stay, may it be Heaven or Hell.

Some people choose their Hellish loves over their Heavenly loves. The couples in Hell are referred to as Inferno Couples. These are couples which abide by the Male-Centered or Equity Models. They are not in love, but in domination with one another. However, if one chooses Heavenly loves over their Hellish loves, and has a soul mate whom he/she shares these Heavenly loves, they will ascend into Heaven. Those without partners, but still have Heavenly loves, are still able to enter Heaven. They can meet others in Heaven motels; it is still possible to achieve a spiritual marriage after death.

There are three levels of Heaven, each level depending on where you place your priorities with your loves. The first level of Heaven is the Spiritual or Natural Heaven. The couples in this level of Heaven place their interests in things that are not abstract, such as art, sports, government. The couples in the second level of Heaven have interests which are rational, such as science, doctrine, and truth. The couples in the third and highest level of Heaven place their interests in Love. It is the highest form of human consciousness. Therefore, wherever your loves and interests lie, determines which level of Heaven you will end up at.

There are many additional steps towards achieving a conjugial marriage, during this lifetime. The man must be passionate towards his wife, even though the extreme romance between him and his wife may have dwindled. Disagreement is very harmful towards the spiritual marriage because many times, it is hurtful towards the woman. It is difficult to understand why the man would try to be disconjunctive towards his spouse. In order to maintain conjunction, one must actively find new, creative, and fun ways to please their spouse. This will enrich and nurture the cognitive, sensory motor, and affective aspects of both partners. A great example of what a man can do to ensure his conjugial marriage with his woman is by performing Sweetheart Rituals. Sweetheart Rituals are little things that a man can do throughout the day or the week that will put a little spark in his woman’s day, these are things to show his woman that he really cares for her and that she is the light of his life. An example of a Sweetheart Ritual is to genuinely ask her if there is anything you can help her with or do for her that will help ease her day. Another is to physically touch her, may it be stroke her hair or face or give her a hug or a kiss, just to let her know that she is not only physically attractive and perfect to you, but she is your best friend and lover as well. By performing these Sweetheart Rituals and steering clear of unsexy or disjunctive actions, a spiritual marriage is definitely possible.

Part II: The Three Models as Illustrated in the Three books

Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s “The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage” is a New York Times Bestseller, which gives advice primarily aimed at couples striving to thrive in a Male Centered relationship. In the Preface, she gives an example of a seventeen year old girl named Michelle who was facing a dilemma- she really wanted to go to prom, but it was the same night as her boyfriend’s lacrosse game. Dr. Laura encouraged her to submit to her boyfriend’s wants, calling it the “Gift of the Magi”, to sacrifice her own wants and needs for his. Michelle did so, but in the end, thankfully, her boyfriend’s game was switched to an earlier time, so they could make it to both events. (Schellesinger, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, page xi)

Although it seems like a happy ending for both Michelle and her boyfriend, the exchange between the couple is very disjunctive according to the Unity Model. The Unity Model states that if a man and a woman are to be a conjugial couple, the man should be committed, ready, and willing to give up his loves for her loves. If Michelle and her boyfriend subscribed to the Unity Model, the boyfriend would have given up his big match in order to please Michelle. He would have understood and realized what an important event prom was to Michelle and that would have motivated him to make his decision to skip his game for her prom and therefore, happiness and conjunctivity in their union. Therefore, the advice that Dr. Schlessinger gave was clearly from the Man Centered Model.

In Chapter Three, “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly”, Dr. Schlessinger explains that it is common to have misconceptions about marriage before marriage, and after marriage, you realize it was not what you thought at all. She takes a caller who was angry because her husband told her that there was a woman who “came to the door in skimpy clothes and was acting flirtatious. Dr. Laura verbally reprimands her. She basically tells the caller that she is insecure. “You only had something to fear if he didn’t tell you. That would likely mean one of two things: he’s taking her up on it, or he can’t talk to you because of your insecurities and hypersensitivities.” (Schlessinger, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, page 98)” Dr. Laura is being insensitive to her caller’s feelings. The caller called Dr. Laura to seek advice, hoping that as a woman, Dr. Laura would understand and give her some insight as to what she could have done. However, Dr. Laura took the Male Centered stance, and told her that it didn’t matter how her husband made her feel by telling her that, that aspect is unimportant. When a woman’s feelings are belittled or pushed aside, it is a clear indicator of a Male Centered Model in place.

Deborah Tannen’s “You Just Don’t Understand” is a good reflector of the Equity Model, where each party in the relationship is encouraged to “talk it out”. Tannen is neither a psychologist nor a psychiatrist, she is a linguist and the purpose of the book is to decipher the differences of communication between men and women. For example, chapter two is called asymmetries. On page 51, she describes and exchange between a man and a woman.

He: I’m really tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.
She: I didn’t sleep well either. I never do.
He: Why are you trying to belittle me?
She: I’m not! I’m just trying to show that I understand.

Tannen says that the woman was confused and hurt by the man’s reaction. However, the man meant “belittle my experience” when he spoke back to her. He was not recognizing that she was trying to make a connection with him, and wanted to remain independent and avoid being insulted. This is a good example of how just the way we present our words and structure our sentences goes a long way into the minds of the other sex. However, this is wehre conflict may present itself.

Further in the chapter, Tannen describes how men and women have difficulty expressing problems and solutions. “Women are frustrated when they not only don’t get this reinforcement but, quite the opposite, feel distanced by the advice, which seems to send the metamessage “We’re not the same. You have the problems; I have the solutions (Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand, page 53).” I feel this illustrates the give-and-take negotiation of the couple well. As mentioned earlier, the equity couple negotiates with each other, fighting for their own wants and needs. A compromise is a result of negotiation.

Barbara DeAngelis’ book, “What Women Want”, is the book out of all three, which reflects the values of the Unity model most. In her book, she provides men and women advice on how to deal with conflicted situations couples may face. For example, in the first chapter, appropriately called “Women Put Love First”, De Angelis explains that “women define and value themselves by how successfully they love and relate, whereas men define and value themselves by how successfully they achieve and accomplish (De Angelis 39).” This coincides with the Unity Model, which says that women are more prone to a spiritual marriage than a man. Most men start off very unwillingly because they have not yet been enlightened of the joys of a conjugial marriage.

DeAngelis also promotes the Unity Model by including a plethora of lists of what and what not to do to make your marriage work. All of the lists are also applicable to sustaining a Spiritual Marriage. In chapter six, “Women Need To Feel Valued”, she writes the Four Secrets for making the woman you love feel valued (De Angelis 127).

1. Show her that her happiness is a priority for you.

2. Shower interest in her life.

3. Shower her you need her and value her input.

4. Shower her that you don’t take her for granted.

These may seem obvious, but these are all great tips for couples who wish to remain happy. They are parallel to Dr. James’ Sexy Conversational Style of Husbands, as well as the Sweetheart Rituals.

Part III: Couple Dialogs

Here is another example of a Male Centered exchange. Jane and Brent are experiencing money problems. Jane comes home from work at the restaurant to her boyfriend, Brent.

Jane: Hey babe. What do you want to do for dinner? I’m a little low on funds tonight- I made crap money this past weekend, it was so slow. We should probably do something super cheap.

Brent: Float you again?! Jane, you never have any money. Don’t blame it on a slow weekend, because I made just as much money as I did 3 months ago.

Jane reaches out to Brent in a stressful time, and he dismisses her and accuses her of making excuses for problems she has little control over. This is very disjunctive, cognitively and affectively and makes Jane feel very small.

Jane: Oh, well, I’m sorry. You guys were probably way busier than us. We were so dead all weekend. It really sucks to not have any money. I’ve been being frugal all week. What do you wanna do? We could make something at home with whatever’s in the fridge, I guess.

Brent: What the hell, Jane? Just cos you don’t have any cash means we BOTH have to suffer? I feel like eating Tony Roma’s, I’ve been craving ribs all day. You are always using MY hard earned money. You never have any money. Why is that? Oh, maybe it’s because you never work and all you do is think about where you want to eat or what you want to buy!

Jane apologizes and tries to explain that she has been working hard at saving money. She is very desperate to please Brent because she is stuck in the Male Centered relationship. Brent blames her for results of the bad economy and belittles her. This is cognitively disjunctive and hurts Jane. He is hurting her because he doesn’t care about how she will feel or react when he makes these types of mean comments.

Jane: You really feel that way? I was just making suggestions for dinner. I know I don’t really have money to spend freely and it can be a burden sometimes. I didn’t mean for you to feel like I’m just using you for money cos I’m not.

Brent: Well why do YOU never have any money? It’d be nice for you to help out every once in a while financially, but it seems like you can never hold on to your dollars. As soon as you get out of work, you either go downtown with your girlfriends or go to the mall and buy something.

Jane: Okay, I know. I’m sorry. I just feel like I work so hard and sometimes I deserve a little fun. I’ll try to be more financially conscious.

Brent: I’ll get dinner tonight, but you have to pay me back or take me to dinner tomorrow night or something.

Jane: Alright, thanks babe. Sorry that you feel like I’m using all your money, but I really am broke. I really do appreciate it though.

Brent: Yeah yeah, shutup.

Brent verbally abuses Jane and takes out his frustration out on her. He agrees to pay for dinner tonight, but keeps tabs on how much Jane owes him. This is disjunctive because he is valuing money (a hellish love) over his significant other, Jane. Jane listens to his reasons, and even apologizes to Brent after his verbal abuse.

2 weeks later and money is still a bad issue…

Brent: Fuck! I barely made rent. I have absolutely no food in the house. What are we gonna do for dinner tonight, babe?

Jane: Whatever you want, babe. I made decent money last night. Just no steaks, I ate steak last night for my employee dinner.

Jane complies to Brent’s whining about being hungry, because she is in love with him. She wants to please him. She is reaching out, trying to create a cognitive and affective conjunction between herself and Brent. She only gives him one stipulation, which he breaks, another disjunctive act committed by Brent.

Brent: Yeah? Well, you don’t have to rub in my face! Mmm, just the thought of steak makes me sooo hungry.

Jane: Yeah, it was good, but you KNOW my doctor said I can’t have too much red meat.

Brent: Whatever, your doctor’s a joke, you’re really gonna believe that guy? He doesn’t know what’s best for you, leave it up to me. Besides, I’m craving a juicy filet mignon, or prime rib.

Brent blatantly ignores Jane’s wishes to listen to her doctor. He does not care about what his girlfriend, nor what a health professional has to say about limitations on her diet. He is selfish and believes himself to override what anyone has to say about Jane or their relationship. He is a tyrant, which is very disjunctive, on all aspects- physically, cognitively, and affectively. Jane is very compliant because she loves him and is committed to a Spiritual Marriage with Brent, and wishes he were committed as well.

Jane: Um, okay. I guess I could just get something else. Where do you want to go? Do you want to grill at home or go out? I think Safeway had a sale on ribeyes.

Brent: I definitely want to go out! You’ve got me tonight, right? Let’s go to Ruth’s Chris! It’s the only place to go for steaks.

Jane: Ruth’s Chris? It’s so expensive!

Brent: Yeah, but they’re the best! It’s the ONLY place I want to go. Why should we settle for anything less? Okay or we could go to Morton’s at Ala Moana! And didn’t you say you made a lot of money last night?

Jane: I said I made decent money, not a lot. Definitely not the same as YOU on a good night. Morton’s is super expensive too!

Brent: Well, I bought you so much food and dinner and shit for the past months and did you hear me complain and gripe about it? NO! So shutup and stop being so fucking stingy. If the tables were turned, you’d be so bratty about going to get Yummy’s Korean bbq…

Jane: (Hesitates) You’re right. Okay, we’ll go to Ruth’s, you sound like you really really want to go so that’s what we should do. I guess I will make the money back another night.

Brent: Well, don’t sound so excited! Now you’re making me feel guilty. I mean, we don’t HAVE to, but I personally don’t like crappy steaks from Denny’s or whatever. Do you even want to go?

Jane: Yeah, babe, of course. Let’s splurge. I just want you to be happy.

Brent: Sweet. Thanks, babe. I love you.

Jane: Love you too.

During this exchange, Jane offers him several options for dinner, incorporating Brent’s craving for steaks. He suggests an expensive restaurant out of their budget, and when Jane hesitates, he accuses her of being stingy. He is not taking into consideration her feelings, or the fact that it is her hard earned money. He brings up that Jane owes him money, when in fact, if you are in a conjugial relationship, material things such as money and objects are of little importance. Jane succumbs to Brent because she is blindly in love with him and desperately wants to be in a Unity marriage with him.

Later that night, Brent and Jane come home from dinner at Ruth’s Chris. They are getting ready for bed.

Brent: That dinner was great. Hey, I was thinking since I’ve been buying so much lately, that I’m not going to pay you back for tonight since you basically owed me anyways.

Jane: (uneasy) I guess you’re right, you have been spending a lot on us lately.

Brent: So babe, are you ready to pay me back in the shower? We can spend some time in the Jacuzzi first, then make our way to the shower.

Jane: Mmm, I’m really full babe. I feel like my food needs to digest. Plus, I need to get up early because I open tomorrow.

Brent: Here we go again. You’re stingy about money and now sex? Great. Let’s just have a glass of wine and relax… see what happens from there.

Jane: Remember what my doctor said about wine? I really feel like you don’t listen to anything that I say, even important things. It may not be important to you, but it’s important to me and you should take that into consideration since we’ve been together for so long.

Brent: That’s bullshit. You’re just starting another fight so you don’t have to have sex with me. You’re always thinking about yourself and never my sexual needs.

Jane: you know that’s not true. I love you. I just don’t’ feel like you truly care about me lately with all the money fights.

Brent: I’m sorry. I know you’ve been really stressed lately. (Starts to give her a massage) Let’s change into our suits and get in the Jacuzzi.

Jane: Okay, I guess I could lighten up. You can be so nice sometimes.

Although it seems like Brent was trying to be nice, he was really thinking of himself and ways to make Jane give into having sex with him, an example of sexual blackmail. He did not think twice about her health concerns regarding red wine, nor her want to rest, to allow her food to settle. He places guilt on Jane when she does not feel like having sex, and ultimately figures out that by giving her some physical attention and sweet talk, she will do whatever he wants. He is chauvinistic and disjunctive towards Jane, yet Jane is so blindly in love with him, she is in denial of all the abuse he dishes out to her. Neither Jane nor Brent are truly happy.

The next dialog is an example of a couple who decides to employ the Equity Model in their relationship. Janet and Dylan are sitting around, deciding how to spend their next couple of days off.

Janet: What are you doing tomorrow?

Dylan: I’m going to have lunch with a friend.

Janet: Right on, with who? Anyone I know?

Dylan: Kim.

Janet: Who’s Kim? Did you ever date her?

Dylan: We did a while ago, but we’re just friends now.

Janet: How do you know she doesn’t just want to sleep with you?

Janet is starting to get a little flustered. Dylan is perturbed by Janet’s actions and question, as if it was stupid. This is disjunctive because if something is bothering your Janet, Dylan should be just as bothered. However, he does not see why Janet is upset.

Dylan: She is just my friend, and you are my girlfriend now.

Janet: Well, I’ve had boyfriends that have cheated on me before in this type of situation.

Dylan: Well that was the past! Besides, I’m different than those other losers that you dated.

Janet: That’s what they all say. Girls are conniving. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I don’t necessarily trust her. I bet she has an ulterior motive.

Dylan gets defensive regarding Janet’s last comment. He felt it was a cheap shot, reflecting his character. He felt Janet was being disjunctive, when in fact it is he.

Dylan: You don’t even know her! How do you know she’s like that?

Dylan walks out to calm down to avoid saying something he doesn’t mean, and cannot take back. This was a smart move, because he actually took into consideration the consequences if he did not, evidence that he was thinking about Janet, cognitive conjunction.

Janet: Well how about this: Can I come to lunch with you guys?

Dylan: Is that really necessary?

Janet: Please? It’ll make me feel better about the entire situation. And if you have nothing to hide, then it shouldn’t be a problem.

Dylan: (reluctant) I guess so, if you really want to. I’ll just let her know.

Janet: Okay, thanks, babe. I’m really excited to meet her.

The next day, after lunch with Kim, the couple talk about how it went.

Dylan: So what’d you think about Kim?

Janet: I still don’t trust her. You guys had a lot of inside jokes. It seems like you guys are still really close and that makes me uncomfortable.

Dylan: We dated for a long time and went through a lot of stuff together, but you are my girlfriend now.

Janet: I don’t want you talking to her or seeing her.

Dylan: Why don’t you trust me to talk to her? Why don’t we talk about this? She is my friend and I don’t want to lose her as a friend. I understand why it would make you comfortable but please try to see it from my end. Please trust me.

Janet: (Hesitates) Alright. Well, how about you let me know before you hang out with her.
Dylan: That sounds fair. I’m glad we talked through this.

This verbal exchange ended in a compromise. Although Janet wants Dylan to stop seeing Kim entirely, Dylan does not want to lose Kim as a friend. The couple reached a conclusion to where neither party got exactly what they wanted, but settled for something that was “good enough”, a key and common feature of the Equity Model.

The following dialog follows the Woman Centered Model. They are in the office of their accountant who is filling out their tax forms. The accountant has left the office for a few minutes and they are alone. They are talking about their expenses and the changes in lifestyle they need to make in order to make ends meet. The things they talk about include things suggested to them by the accountant namely: eating out less often, taking a lunch bag to work, fixing up his older car instead of buying a new one now.

Anthony: Well, okay, it sounds like we’re going to have to cut back a little.
Charity: I guess so.
Anthony: (puts his arm around Charity) Don’t worry, baby. I’ll make sure we’re okay.

Anthony goes out of his way to comfort and assure Charity that they will make it through these financially tough times, a sign of cognitive and affective conjunction. He also puts his arm around her, reaching out to physically.

Anthony: I’ll try not to go out as often during my lunch breaks at work.
Charity: Yeah, that’s a good idea. You do seem to eat out a lot. And you know what? You could probably also cut back on the drinking.
Anthony: (defensively) What do you mean cut back on the drinking?
Charity: (firmly) You know what I mean. You drink at least six beers a day. You need to cut back, and not just because we don’t have money. You’re probably killing your liver!
Anthony: Okay sweetheart, you’re right. I am being too excessive. But what about your shopping?

Anthony slips a little, is leaning more towards the Equity Model at this point. He is trying to negotiate with Charity regarding who needs to cut back on what. He does not realize that Charity is only looking out for him, she has his health and his well being in her thoughts. Charity is practicing cognitive and affective conjuction.

Charity: (stern) Oh so now you’re hurt and want to talk about how I spend money on things that I need, is that it? Okay, well let me tell you why I go shopping. I go shopping to look good for you! I don’t spend money on clothes just because I want to; I do it so you don’t complain about how I look. So don’t you start to complain to me about how I spend money. I spend money to make you happy. You spend money on yourself just so you can half fun!
Anthony: Ohh I’m so sorry sweetie. You’re right, you’re right! I need to be more considerate of you and your needs. I didn’t realize that you were doing all of those things for me. Thank you! Besides, I think we can save money another way by trying to fix up the van instead of buying a new one.

Anthony recognizes that Charity is upset. He immediately apologizes, in order to ease her frustration. He knows that he is defying the Unity Model by hurting her that way. By apologizing, it is his way of damage control. He does not want to ruin their relationship because of something trivial, because he is committed to the Unity Model.

Charity: Well, I have to attend a friend’s party this weekend at Sunset Beach and I need the van. I don’t want to have to miss my friend’s party this weekend, just because I’m too busy during the week running errands for the both of us. I’m going to need you to take the van into the shop during one of your lunch breaks this week to get it fixed.
Anthony: (reluctant) Well, I’ve only got an hour break, and I’m sure it’s going to take longer than an hour to fix the problem, babe.
Charity: I understand, but I’ve really got my plate full this week. Can you ask yoru boss for a longer lunch break”? Or take the bus back to work after you drop off the car and grab it after?
Anthony: Yes, dear. Of course. There are so many times you’ve done things like this for me that I don’t even realize. This will be a great chance for me to repay you.
Charity: Thank you, babe. I love you.

Anthony suggests they fix up the van, and Charity tells him when she needs to use the van. Taking what Charity said to heart, Anthony agrees to get the van fixed in time by going in during his lunch break, despite the time constraints. He wants to appease Charity and it works. These are all examples of Anthony realizing what is important to Charity, and him making those things his priorities as well. He is practicing affective and cognitive conjunction. The couple is happy.

Part IV: YouTube videos

“Under My Thumb (1966)” Rolling Stones
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XW2F8ZPOqVw

This is the video for the Rolling Stones’ “Under My Thumb”. The song is sung by a man who is in a male centered relationship. “It’s down to me—the difference in the clothes she wears, down to me, the change has come, she’s under my thumb.” He describes that he has full control over his woman, down to the clothes that she wears. In another verse, he sings, “Under my thumb, her eyes are just kept to herself. Under my thumb, well I, I can still look at someone else.” These are disjunctive and unsexy acts of the man singing. He is clearly dominant in this relationship and the couple’s future as a Spiritual Couple for all of Eternity is slim.

“M

arriage and Relationship Advice: How to be a Good Husband”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02EroOgIFSc

This video serves as a great resource for couples who are trying to transcend into the Unity Model. The first piece of advice that the host says is that being a good husband depends first on your wife. This is because each woman is different, therefore each individual woman’s needs will be different. He mentions the five pillars of a great relationship: love, trust, communication, respect, friendship. He asserts that these pillars must be established and in place in order to have a great relationship with one’s wife, which follows the Unity Model exactly.

“Tyrone (live)” Erykah Badu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teEm2toxBNU

This is footage of an Erykah Badu concert, her performance of the song “Tyrone”. The song is sung by a strong woman who realizes that her boyfriend, Tyrone, takes advantage of her. “Now every time I ask you for a little cash, you say no and turn around and ask me for some ass. Oh, well hold up, listen partner, I ain’t no cheap thrill. Cause Miss. Badu is always coming for real, and you know the deal.” The singer needs help financially, and her boyfriend cannot help her. Instead, he initiates sex. She recognizes this as sexual blackmail, and refuses, and indicator that she is a strong woman, and knows that she should be a main focus and priority to her partner.

“Sid and Nancy (1986 trailer)”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDbbb8UrZKs

This is a trailer to the movie, “Sid and Nancy”. It followed the turbulent career and romance of Sid Vicious, of England’s Sex Pistols, and his groupie/ girlfriend, Nancy Spungen. The film (as well as the trailer) demonstrates the equality in the relationship. It is no doubt the the relationship was an abusive one, but it is not clear who is abusing whom. They have really great times, and really bad times. Although they argue, they usually give into each other, alternating turns as to who calls the shots. Sometimes Nancy gives in to Sid, other times, Sid gives in to Nancy, common practices in the Equity Model.

“Love Actually”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Is9xHR11E3A

This is a scene from the movie Love Actually, which I think depicts the Unity Model well. This scene depicts a woman louging around with her husband. She gets a knock on the door, and it is a friend of her husband’s. In this scene, the friend arrives at the door and finally works up the courage to tell her exactly how he feels about her. “But for now let me say without hope or agenda, just because it’s Christmas (and at Christmas you tell the truth), to me you are perfect.” He does not ask her to leave her husband or anything as rash or dramatic, but he states his unrequited love for her. The friend believes that she is his other half. The friend wants to be in a committed and loving conjugial relationship with her, but realizes she already has a husband in this physical world.

“Married With Children- Weenie Tot Lovers and Other Strangers”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrHq_6Fq278

In this mini episode of Married With Children, Al and Peggy Bundy’s children, Bud and Kelly are each presented with opportunities that involve using $100 to participate. However, Al says there is only $100 left. He and Peggy decide to give Kelly the money because she would use it buy a new dress to impress the judges for the Miss. Weenie Tot competition. Making this decision together, it falls in line with the equity model. Also, if Kelly wins, she gets a year supply of weenie tots, which was the deciding factor for Al and Peggy to choose to give her the money.

“Pints of Guinness Make You Strong” Against Me!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wkZGMktFCw

This is song that reflects the Unity Model and a couple that has reached the level of conjugial love. It talks about a woman named Evelyn, who’s husband, James, has been dead for 37 years. It describes her undying love for him, and I believe she cannot wait to be greeted by James after death. “In all the years that went by, she said she’d always love him. And from the day that he died, she never loved again.”

“Lucky” Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iraoHE6JlY

This is another song that illustrates the Unity Model. It features both male and female vocals, and within the song, they are talking to each other expressing their love for one another. Despite being geographically separated, their love for each other surpasses all the miles that separate them. “Boy I hear you in my dreams, feel your whisper across the sea, keep you with me in my heart, you make it easier when life gets hard.”

“Blending Your Lives”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0F1ZEtiA60

This is a guide to compromising with your partner in a marriage, which is a main point of the Equity Model. The hostess uses the example of moving in together, and letting the man take over the garage, while she gets to take over the rest of the house. It seems like she is aloof, and this is what she wants, but in fact, her fiancé should approach her and really make sure it’s okay for him to decorate the garage. The expert says that compromise is not a competition, it’s about finding a solution that makes everyone happy. However, we know that compromise is really just a result of negotiation and no one is really truly satisfied, because they had to yield their original wants.

“Hey Boy” The Blow
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ND9A-icfpo

This is a video of the artist, The Blow, perform her song “Hey Boy”. The song is about a girl who felt a connection with a guy at a party, gave him her number, and he didn’t call. It reflects the Male Centered relationships. She is going through the events in her mind, and wondering what went wrong. “A- you’re gay, B- you’ve got a girlfriend, C- you thought I kind of came on too strong, or D- I just wasn’t’ your thing, no ring.” This is a song about a girl hung up on a guy, and this usually is most popular in Male Centered relationships. She is worried about why he didn’t call her back, which tells the viewer she is setting herself up to be in a Male Centered relationship.

Part V: Advice to Future Generations

I have several pieces of advice for future generations. Although the material presented in this class may be hard to understand or hard to follow, it is undoubtedly very interesting. Prior to this class, I have never heard of the Unity Model and knew very little of Emanuel Swedenborg. However, after taking this class, you will see and realize that the content is very captivating. Dr. James is not trying to convert you into the Unity Model, he is presenting to you an alternative to the norm. He is asking you to look at the model from a scientific point of view (because this is, indeed a Psychology class) the same way you would any other Psychology class. I really liked how the first class, he gives you a disclaimer regarding the content. That is, he explains and repeats vividly that in order to understand the Unity Model, you must understand duality. You must try to get yourself out of your conditioned way of thinking that there is only one life, and after you die that is it. You must understand (not necessarily believe, but just understand) that to accept the Unity Model, you must accept that there is more to life after death. There CAN be consciousness after death, in eternity. I know it sounds unconventional, some may even call it crazy, but you need to understand he is presenting to you a model and nothing more. You need to take this class like any other class. The readings are all relevant to class discussions, and as long as you read (it will sound like a lot but really, it is not!) you will be fine to engage in class discussions.

Another piece of advice is to actually look into the content that Dr. James is presenting. It is extremely fascinating. My favorite aspects of the class were the dialogs. They were easy to make up because there are so many examples (especially of the Male Centered and Equity Models) around us; many of us are probably in those models. The Unity Model may not be as popular, but it is like a drea

m for women! Creating the Unity Model dialogs were like creating the perfect verbal exchange between a man and a woman and there were times when I wished I had a man who was committed to be in a Spiritual Marriage with me. So, what I’m saying is the dialogs are relatively easy. The work load sounds like a lot, but if you keep up with it, it really is not. Also, be sure to save your dialogs, because you will need them to analyze in your final paper.

The assigned readings for this class supplemented Dr. James’ material online as well as the dialogs. The books are all relationship books, but based on each model. It is easy to tell which book follows which model. All the books are very easy reads, but more importantly, they give you perspectives from “professionals” on each model. For example, Dr. Laura Schlessinger clearly promotes the Male Centered Model versus Barbara De Angelis who endorses the Unity Model. Although the books may be big, the actual content is easy to follow and really gives you everyday examples that you can understand. Dr. James’ lecture notes are substantial and comprehensive, and sometimes it may be easy to get lost on the class homepage. If you read the books in addition to his notes, you will see parallels and you will be able to apply the examples found in the books to the lecture notes online. The books are great tools that will definitely ease your understanding of the models and will help you greatly throughout the semester.

This course challenged a lot of my ideas, because before coming to this class I did not think dualistically. I really liked the way Dr. James tells you straight up, this is HIS theory and he believes it but he does not expect you, the student, to. The only thing he asks of you is to study it and to know it and to learn it. The class’ content revolves around this model, and even though you may not believe in it, you just need to take it as any other class. Although there are obvious limitations to the model that I still do not quite understand, I really got a lot out of this class, because it taught me a lot about relationships. There are some things that guys can do to girls and girls can do to guys that are obviously wrong (or should I say disjunctive). But there are many layers to this onion. I learned that there are actually guys out there that WANT to please the girl. I thought that our society was comprised of guys that only know the Male Centered or Equity Models, but this class proved me wrong because there are examples of guys in the Unity Model! That is, there are guys that are wanting to be in a committed relationship with their significant other for a long time. This is promising and hopeful to hear, as a woman who has had her fair share of bad relationships. I believe these ideas of conjunctive and disjunctive behaviors and actions will stay with me when I am dating and even married.

A final piece of advice to you future generations: DO NOT PROCRASTINATE! Seriously. It can be very detrimental to your academic career. The report instructions and parameters are given around the halfway point of the semester. You will not want to start it until maybe two weeks before it is due. However, you need to get over that overwhelmingly strong urge to put it off because you will ultimately screw yourself in the end. The next thing you know, you have a 6,000 word paper due along with finals to worry about and other papers for other classes. This is what I am suggesting: start compiling materials for the paper early, things that you already have done. These include reading notes, Dr. James’ lecture notes, and class notes. At least once a week, you should work on at least one part of the paper. By spreading out your workload, the paper will be completed in no time and it will be a breeze. If not, you will be struggling. Also give yourself some extra time to figure out the FTP program and make sure you know how to upload the files. It is a little confusing but if you do it say a few days before the paper is due, you will be fine. Otherwise, you will be stressing out. Good luck and have fun with the class. It’s interesting and worth taking because this class will open your eyes to different perspectives.

Part VI: References
De Angelis, Barbara (2001). What Women Want Men to Know New York: Hyperion.

James, Leon (2008). The Unity Model of Marriage. Online Lecture Notes on the Web: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy28/409b-g28-lecture-notes-p1.htm

Schlessinger, Laura (2007). The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. New York: Harper.

Tannen, Deborah (2001).You Just Don’t Understand. New York: Harper.

Course: Psychology 459 University of Hawaii, Spring 2009, G29

Instructor: Dr. Leon James: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/leon.html

Instructions for this Report: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/elonj/leonpsy29/409b-g29-report.htm

Student Author: Rebecca To

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