Data Collection for Week One

11-12-01 to 11-18-01

 

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Date: 11-13-01 Time: 10:30am

 

I think the fear that I went to bed with last night carried over and turned into straight rage, rage at myself.Iím so angry I canít believe that I didnít study enough. I woke up early to do some last minute cramming done before class, but of course traffic had to be really bad this morning and there were these funky looking work men next to me horning their horn.I didnít get anything done, but all I can do is blame myself.

I feel like all the weight of my parents expectations of me doing well in school on my shoulders, I feel like Iím disappointing them more and more.My fear reaction and anxiety is just sky rocketing, what to do?My respiration is erratic I canít seem to get it under control.

Date: 11-15-01 Time: 9:30pm

 

The boyfriend called and we ended up getting into an argument about today that just exploded into a huge fight.We were going at it on the phone for a while, I tried to keep my voice down in order to spare my parents and my neighbors but I was going off.We were yelling at each other, I kept saying ďwhat do you want me to do,Ē and he just kept blaming me.I started to cry, I always get really emotional when we fight.My family kept walking by my bedroom and told me that Iím dramatic and I need to relax.I felt like everyone was against me, no one really cared about me it, was me against them.I kept crying and crying and only to shake my head.I was so torn up inside it hurt to say anything.

Date: 11-13-01 Time: 12:00pm

 

I canít believe that there are only four weeks left in school.I started worrying about my grades and needing to increase my GPA in order for me to graduate.Anxiety setting in; I forgot I need to get a loan to pay of tuition next semester since my parents wonít be paying for it anymore.I realize that there arenít too many psych classes next semester, doesnít look like there is much variety.I started questioning if Iíll be able to graduate next semester, begin worrying about grad school, and credits.

My head feels like its going to explode thereís just too much going on how can I possibly finish everything that I need to do?I feel a headache coming on; my stomach is turning a little.

Date: 11-16-01 Time: 1:00pm

 

Went to work to fill out papers, no one was there to help me find the papers that I needed to fill out.Finally when the women in the office came back, they walked pass me like I was invisible. It took all the strength to not say something or get attitude to them.All of them donít know the kind of work that we do, they donít understand that we take the backlash of parents as well as children.All they really do is make copies and answer phones, and they ignored me like Iím not even here. I really donít need they attitudes.My blood pressure rises and rises, almost to the point to snap.They look at me like Iím speaking a foreign language, I feel the need to slap them or give them a piece of my mind.

Date: 11-13-01 Time: 5:00pm

 

Work was just terrible today.My blood feels like its boiling out of control.The mother of the autistic boy I work with after school was giving me attitude today.She talks to me like Iím a little child, like I donít understand or I donít know what Iím talking about.I want to tell her off so badly or I just want to quit this case, I donít want to have to deal with all this extra stress and worry.I donít understand why she continues to take out her anger and stress out on me.My blood pressure and respiration is so high, I feel the need to scream or hit something.

Date: 11-16-01 Time: 9:06pm

 

My boyfriend and I were at my house about to watch a foreign film that I assumed the rest of my family wouldnít like.My sister comes and sits down and begins to make comments like this movie is stupid, why did you rent this, only you guys like this crap.At first I tried to ignore her but she continued to go on and on.Then my boyfriend started making faces at me to tell her to shut up, which just irritated and pissed me off more. Then she finally left which help to calm me down and decrease my blood pressure and respiration.But then she didnít clean up her mess and left the door open that sent me fuming, it was worst then when I was first bother.It made me feel like she has no respect or regard for me.

 

Date: 11-14-01 Time: 10:10am

 

I was late of class again, I donít know how I forgot that I start class at 10:00am not 10:30am.I donít know whatís my problem anymore.It been like 3 months since Iíve been going to school and I all of a sudden forgot.I shouldnít have taken my time strolling to class and looking at the bulletin board, I missed fifteen minutes of class because I wasnít paying attention again.I was even more upset because I was trying to walk quickly to class and I started sweating and everything.I blame myself for everything that happens to me sometimes.I think Iím lazy but I donít want to admit.My skin starts to crawl when I allow myself to see that Iím the one responsible.It makes me feel nauseous and sick, I canít handle it.

Date: 11-17-01 Time: 7:15am

 

I woke up late, forgot that I had to take my cousin to take the Kamehameha admissions test.I had to fight traffic on a Saturday, which ruined the day, there were so many people trying to get up to the school to drop off their kids to the test.It was like everyone was late, and the people werenít nice, no one let me cut in.I had to wait for such a long time, and then my grandma and my cousin kept screaming that she needed to be up there my 8:00am and it was 10 minutes to 8:00am already.I donít know what they expected me to do.I was already freaking out at the other people and all the other cars but they had to just add to my stress and high blood pressure for good measure.

Date: 11-14-01 Time: 1:23pm

 

My boyfriend is nothing but drama; I feel an enormous amount but rage and aggression towards him.We are always fighting about stupid things and he s always blaming me for starting it.Every time I say something heís always making faces or making some kind of remarks.I couldnít take his crap so I just stood up and left, I used the excuse that I was going to be late for work.I couldnít believe that he let my leave without resolving the issue.

I was so hurt when I was driving to work, I felt so hurt and sad.I felt like he doesnít really love me or care about if he makes me feel that way.I just started to cry not because of what happened but because I felt so bad and didnít understand.

 

Date: 11-17-01 Time: 12:45pm

 

As soon as I come home my Dad gets on my case and starts picking on me.He starts going on and on about how Iím not as in shape as I used to be and basically that Iím getting fat and then I really need to do something about it.He thinks that its funny and itís a joke, but it hurt me and I really wanted to cry or punch him.I started to feel really self-conscious and ugly.I started question my boyfriend imagine of me, I wondered if he thought I was fat too.My anxiety totally sky rocketed as well as my rage because I was just about to go out with my boyfriend.

Date: 11-14-01 Time: 4:40pm

 

Driving back to town pushed me over the edge.I started to panic because I was leaving Pearl City at 4:40pm and I need to be at Ala Moana at 5:00pm.The traffic was horrendous, people kept cutting me off and not using their signals, people werenít letting me cut in while I allowed others to do so.It was just a huge mess, I tried calling the office to let them know that I would be a little late, but they were already closed. My blood pressure kept increasing with every minute.I was meeting with my supervisor so I wouldnít look good if I showed up late.I kept looking back and forth at the clock.I knew my stress level was bad when I started sweating and saying bad comments under my breath.Rage and anxiety definitely sum it all up.

Date: 11-17-01 Time: 11:20pm

 

My boyfriend and I were driving home to my house, then all of sudden this sports car cut right in front of us just as my boyfriend was about to accelerate.As it happened my boyfriend had to apply the brakes quickly.Then we both started yelling and swearing at the driver of the car.I was really mad and pissed off, I wanted so much to bang his car and yell at him/her and tell them that they could have killed us.I felt the need to scare the driver like the way he/she scared my boyfriend and I.When continued to relive the event all the way to my house.We were both really angry and started feeding off each otherís and it just got us both really worked up.My heart rate and respiration definitely increased with what happened.

Date: 11-15-01 Time: 9:30am

 

Disgust and Disappointment started the day. I went to my grad session where I thought I would sign something and make sure I had the right amount of credits and am allowed to graduate.But to my dismay, I found out that I am 16 credits short of graduating despite completing all core and psych requirements I donít have enough credits over the 300+ level, so Iím not eligible to graduate.I wanted to cry right on the spot, it was like all my hopes were washed down the tubes.I had already told my parents that I was going to graduate in the spring and they had told their friends and the rest of my family.And now I am the one that couldnít produce because I have to go to school another semester.I was so embarrassed I wanted to go home and spend the rest of the semester in bed.

Date: 11-18-01 Time: 9:25am

 

Got up late to go to work again.The autistic child I work with just was going nuts today.He continued to hit me and slap me throughout the majority of my session.The one time that I tried to calm him down by rubbing his back, He hit me twice right smack in my stomach knocking the wind out of me.It took me a little while until I catch my breath again, I started shaking I wanted to go there and hit him back.I began scolding him and talking really loud.He just kept trying to hit me but I retaliated by putting up my arm so that he would hit my watch instead of hitting me.And then when he tried to get my attention I refused to give it to him for an extended period of time until he totally stopped hitting himself and me.

Date: 11-15-01 Time: 11:45am

 

I decided that I needed comfort so I called my boyfriend to console me.But his reaction wasnít what I expected he wasnít have supportive or responsive, all he really said was ďthat sucks.ĒI wanted to hang up on him or make him feel the hurt that I was feeling.I resented him and his reaction, didnít he see that I needed much more that he was giving me.I started crying and I didnít want him to know so I hung up on him and refused to answer my phone, I just couldnít handle.I couldnít understand why he didnít know or feel what I felt.He didnít help me feel any better; he just hurt me and made me question his affections for me.

Date: 11-18-01 Time: 1:15pm

 

I was ready to fight with my sister today.She was getting on my case about not doing anything around the house and she started talking about all kinds of crap.Then she started teasing my boyfriend and making all kinds of mean comments about him that was when I got all nuts and took off the gloves.I told her that she is lazy and didnít want to do anything, the only things sheís into is shopping and watching TV.She kept going on and on at my boyfriend I almost slapped her.I felt my body wanted to hit her like it was an automatic reaction.My adrenaline was going nuts and I was ready to fight with her but my mom told us to stop it.

Date: 11-15-01 Time: 9:30pm

 

The boyfriend called and we ended up getting into an argument about today that just exploded into a huge fight.We were going at it on the phone for a while, I tried to keep my voice down in order to spare my parents and my neighbors but I was going off.We were yelling at each other, I kept saying ďwhat do you want me to do,Ē and he just kept blaming me.I started to cry, I always get really emotional when we fight.My family kept walking by my bedroom and told me that Iím dramatic and I need to relax.I felt like everyone was against me, no one really cared about me it, was me against them.I kept crying and crying and only to shake my head.I was so torn up inside it hurt to say anything.

Date: 11-18-01 Time: 6:30pm

 

Every time I got to my boyfriends house to have dinner he and I always clean up the dishes because his grandma cooked and his mom worked all day.But today was my boyfriendís birthday so of course I didnít expect him to get up and help with the dishes, but then when I got up to start helping clean up I got stuck doing everything while his family lounged around.I was so pissed I started making comments under my breath and kind banging the pots and pans around.My blood pressure was getting high, I even started making eyes to my boyfriend.I was dying to say something but I waited until my boyfriend and I were alone and I started saying things and pushing things around. I felt the need to break something or tell his family something.

I mean itís not even my house and they allow me to clean it all up, yeah right.

 

 

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