Data Collection for Week One
11-12-01
to 11-18-01
|
Date: 11-13-01
Time: 10:30am I think the
fear that I went to bed with last night carried over and turned into straight
rage, rage at myself. I’m so angry I
can’t believe that I didn’t study enough. I woke up early to do some last
minute cramming done before class, but of course traffic had to be really bad
this morning and there were these funky looking work men next to me horning
their horn. I didn’t get anything
done, but all I can do is blame myself. I feel like
all the weight of my parents expectations of me doing well in school on my
shoulders, I feel like I’m disappointing them more and more. My fear reaction and anxiety is just sky
rocketing, what to do? My respiration
is erratic I can’t seem to get it under control. |
Date: 11-15-01
Time: 9:30pm The boyfriend
called and we ended up getting into an argument about today that just
exploded into a huge fight. We were
going at it on the phone for a while, I tried to keep my voice down in order
to spare my parents and my neighbors but I was going off. We were yelling at each other, I kept
saying “what do you want me to do,” and he just kept blaming me. I started to cry, I always get really
emotional when we fight. My family
kept walking by my bedroom and told me that I’m dramatic and I need to
relax. I felt like everyone was
against me, no one really cared about me it, was me against them. I kept crying and crying and only to shake
my head. I was so torn up inside it
hurt to say anything. |
|
Date: 11-13-01
Time: 12:00pm I can’t
believe that there are only four weeks left in school. I started worrying about my grades and
needing to increase my GPA in order for me to graduate. Anxiety setting in; I forgot I need to get
a loan to pay of tuition next semester since my parents won’t be paying for
it anymore. I realize that there aren’t
too many psych classes next semester, doesn’t look like there is much variety. I started questioning if I’ll be able to
graduate next semester, begin worrying about grad school, and credits. My head feels
like its going to explode there’s just too much going on how can I possibly
finish everything that I need to do?
I feel a headache coming on; my stomach is turning a little. |
Date: 11-16-01
Time: 1:00pm Went to work
to fill out papers, no one was there to help me find the papers that I needed
to fill out. Finally when the women
in the office came back, they walked pass me like I was invisible. It took
all the strength to not say something or get attitude to them. All of them don’t know the kind of work
that we do, they don’t understand that we take the backlash of parents as
well as children. All they really do
is make copies and answer phones, and they ignored me like I’m not even here.
I really don’t need they attitudes.
My blood pressure rises and rises, almost to the point to snap. They look at me like I’m speaking a
foreign language, I feel the need to slap them or give them a piece of my
mind. |
|
Date: 11-13-01
Time: 5:00pm Work was just
terrible today. My blood feels like
its boiling out of control. The
mother of the autistic boy I work with after school was giving me attitude
today. She talks to me like I’m a little
child, like I don’t understand or I don’t know what I’m talking about. I want to tell her off so badly or I just
want to quit this case, I don’t want to have to deal with all this extra
stress and worry. I don’t understand
why she continues to take out her anger and stress out on me. My blood pressure and respiration is so
high, I feel the need to scream or hit something. |
Date: 11-16-01
Time: 9:06pm My boyfriend
and I were at my house about to watch a foreign film that I assumed the rest
of my family wouldn’t like. My sister
comes and sits down and begins to make comments like this movie is stupid,
why did you rent this, only you guys like this crap. At first I tried to ignore her but she
continued to go on and on. Then my
boyfriend started making faces at me to tell her to shut up, which just
irritated and pissed me off more. Then she finally left which help to calm me
down and decrease my blood pressure and respiration. But then she didn’t clean up her mess and
left the door open that sent me fuming, it was worst then when I was first
bother. It made me feel like she has
no respect or regard for me. |
|
Date: 11-14-01
Time: 10:10am I was late of
class again, I don’t know how I forgot that I start class at 10:00am not
10:30am. I don’t know what’s my
problem anymore. It been like 3
months since I’ve been going to school and I all of a sudden forgot. I shouldn’t have taken my time strolling
to class and looking at the bulletin board, I missed fifteen minutes of class
because I wasn’t paying attention again.
I was even more upset because I was trying to walk quickly to class
and I started sweating and everything.
I blame myself for everything that happens to me sometimes. I think I’m lazy but I don’t want to
admit. My skin starts to crawl when I
allow myself to see that I’m the one responsible. It makes me feel nauseous and sick, I can’t handle it. |
Date: 11-17-01
Time: 7:15am I woke up
late, forgot that I had to take my cousin to take the Kamehameha admissions
test. I had to fight traffic on a
Saturday, which ruined the day, there were so many people trying to get up to
the school to drop off their kids to the test. It was like everyone was late, and the people weren’t nice, no
one let me cut in. I had to wait for
such a long time, and then my grandma and my cousin kept screaming that she
needed to be up there my 8:00am and it was 10 minutes to 8:00am already. I don’t know what they expected me to do. I was already freaking out at the other
people and all the other cars but they had to just add to my stress and high
blood pressure for good measure. |
|
Date: 11-14-01
Time: 1:23pm My boyfriend
is nothing but drama; I feel an enormous amount but rage and aggression
towards him. We are always fighting
about stupid things and he s always blaming me for starting it. Every time I say something he’s always
making faces or making some kind of remarks.
I couldn’t take his crap so I just stood up and left, I used the
excuse that I was going to be late for work.
I couldn’t believe that he let my leave without resolving the
issue. I was so hurt
when I was driving to work, I felt so hurt and sad. I felt like he doesn’t really love me or care about if he makes
me feel that way. I just started to
cry not because of what happened but because I felt so bad and didn’t
understand. |
Date: 11-17-01
Time: 12:45pm As soon as I
come home my Dad gets on my case and starts picking on me. He starts going on and on about how I’m
not as in shape as I used to be and basically that I’m getting fat and then I
really need to do something about it.
He thinks that its funny and it’s a joke, but it hurt me and I really
wanted to cry or punch him. I started
to feel really self-conscious and ugly.
I started question my boyfriend imagine of me, I wondered if he
thought I was fat too. My anxiety
totally sky rocketed as well as my rage because I was just about to go out
with my boyfriend. |
|
Date: 11-14-01
Time: 4:40pm Driving back
to town pushed me over the edge. I started
to panic because I was leaving Pearl City at 4:40pm and I need to be at Ala
Moana at 5:00pm. The traffic was
horrendous, people kept cutting me off and not using their signals, people
weren’t letting me cut in while I allowed others to do so. It was just a huge mess, I tried calling
the office to let them know that I would be a little late, but they were
already closed. My blood pressure kept increasing with every minute. I was meeting with my supervisor so I
wouldn’t look good if I showed up late.
I kept looking back and forth at the clock. I knew my stress level was bad when I started sweating and
saying bad comments under my breath.
Rage and anxiety definitely sum it all up. |
Date: 11-17-01
Time: 11:20pm My boyfriend
and I were driving home to my house, then all of sudden this sports car cut
right in front of us just as my boyfriend was about to accelerate. As it happened my boyfriend had to apply
the brakes quickly. Then we both
started yelling and swearing at the driver of the car. I was really mad and pissed off, I wanted
so much to bang his car and yell at him/her and tell them that they could
have killed us. I felt the need to
scare the driver like the way he/she scared my boyfriend and I. When continued to relive the event all the
way to my house. We were both really
angry and started feeding off each other’s and it just got us both really
worked up. My heart rate and
respiration definitely increased with what happened. |
|
Date: 11-15-01
Time: 9:30am Disgust and
Disappointment started the day. I went to my grad session where I thought I
would sign something and make sure I had the right amount of credits and am
allowed to graduate. But to my
dismay, I found out that I am 16 credits short of graduating despite
completing all core and psych requirements I don’t have enough credits over
the 300+ level, so I’m not eligible to graduate. I wanted to cry right on the spot, it was like all my hopes
were washed down the tubes. I had
already told my parents that I was going to graduate in the spring and they
had told their friends and the rest of my family. And now I am the one that couldn’t produce because I have to go
to school another semester. I was so embarrassed
I wanted to go home and spend the rest of the semester in bed. |
Date: 11-18-01
Time: 9:25am Got up late to
go to work again. The autistic child
I work with just was going nuts today.
He continued to hit me and slap me throughout the majority of my
session. The one time that I tried to
calm him down by rubbing his back, He hit me twice right smack in my stomach
knocking the wind out of me. It took
me a little while until I catch my breath again, I started shaking I wanted
to go there and hit him back. I began
scolding him and talking really loud.
He just kept trying to hit me but I retaliated by putting up my arm so
that he would hit my watch instead of hitting me. And then when he tried to get my attention I refused to give it
to him for an extended period of time until he totally stopped hitting
himself and me. |
|
Date: 11-15-01
Time: 11:45am I decided that
I needed comfort so I called my boyfriend to console me. But his reaction wasn’t what I expected he
wasn’t have supportive or responsive, all he really said was “that sucks.” I wanted to hang up on him or make him
feel the hurt that I was feeling. I
resented him and his reaction, didn’t he see that I needed much more that he
was giving me. I started crying and I
didn’t want him to know so I hung up on him and refused to answer my phone, I
just couldn’t handle. I couldn’t
understand why he didn’t know or feel what I felt. He didn’t help me feel any better; he just hurt me and made me
question his affections for me. |
Date: 11-18-01
Time: 1:15pm I was ready to
fight with my sister today. She was getting
on my case about not doing anything around the house and she started talking
about all kinds of crap. Then she
started teasing my boyfriend and making all kinds of mean comments about him
that was when I got all nuts and took off the gloves. I told her that she is lazy and didn’t
want to do anything, the only things she’s into is shopping and watching
TV. She kept going on and on at my
boyfriend I almost slapped her. I
felt my body wanted to hit her like it was an automatic reaction. My adrenaline was going nuts and I was
ready to fight with her but my mom told us to stop it. |
|
Date: 11-15-01
Time: 9:30pm The boyfriend
called and we ended up getting into an argument about today that just
exploded into a huge fight. We were
going at it on the phone for a while, I tried to keep my voice down in order
to spare my parents and my neighbors but I was going off. We were yelling at each other, I kept
saying “what do you want me to do,” and he just kept blaming me. I started to cry, I always get really
emotional when we fight. My family
kept walking by my bedroom and told me that I’m dramatic and I need to
relax. I felt like everyone was
against me, no one really cared about me it, was me against them. I kept crying and crying and only to shake
my head. I was so torn up inside it
hurt to say anything. |
Date: 11-18-01
Time: 6:30pm Every time I
got to my boyfriends house to have dinner he and I always clean up the dishes
because his grandma cooked and his mom worked all day. But today was my boyfriend’s birthday so
of course I didn’t expect him to get up and help with the dishes, but then
when I got up to start helping clean up I got stuck doing everything while
his family lounged around. I was so
pissed I started making comments under my breath and kind banging the pots
and pans around. My blood pressure
was getting high, I even started making eyes to my boyfriend. I was dying to say something but I waited
until my boyfriend and I were alone and I started saying things and pushing
things around. I felt the need to
break something or tell his family something. I mean it’s
not even my house and they allow me to clean it all up, yeah right. |