Report 2

My understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage

By Mario Villegas

Instructions for this report can be found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsyg21.htm

Question 1:

It is sometimes wrongly asserted that men have less feeling than women. Show that this is not true by discussing the threefold self and the role of the affective in relationship to the cognitive and sensorimotor. Illustrate your argument with examples that come from (a) your personal life and (b) from the media. Do men and women have the same awareness of (a) their own feelings and (b) their partner’s feelings- how do they differ? How does this difference affect the dynamics and progress of the relationship?

In this course we have talked about the different levels that both men and women operate through. This is what we call the threefold self. The three components that make up the threefold self would be the (a) affective self which is in command of the feelings that we have and the motivations that are derived from those emotions in our dating relationships as well as marriages, (b) the cognitive self, which acts as our reasoning or thinking aspect that takes place in our romantic relationships, and lastly we have the (c) sensorimotor self which dictates our perceptions of the events that happen in our relationship and the sensations derived from these events.

First, we have the outmost level, the sensorimotor level. As mentioned before this level is the one of basic function. It is shown in the activities that we engage in. During this stage, the men tend to take the lead. The couple engages in activities that both the man and the woman seem to enjoy, but the man establishes dominance. The man has the power in this level because the woman is trying to keep the relationship going. Her motive is higher than this and that of the man, but in order for the relationship to grow, she allows the man to take charge. For example, when deciding where to go on a date or for dinner, the woman allows the man to select where to go and where to eat. At the same time that the men and women are going through the sensorimotor level, there are also working to build to the next level, cognitive.

The next inner level is the Cognitive self. As mentioned before it includes the how we rationalize and justify the things in our mind. This is a level that is easier for women to reach because women are more intrinsically geared toward conjunction while men strive for independence and power. It is during the level of the threefold self that the woman starts to ardently examine her husband’s way of thinking. She observes the behaviors that her husband makes and seeks to try to understand the reasoning that he uses to get there. The wife may and often does find fault with the husbands thought process however she doesn’t adopt these faulty methods of thinking.

Once the wife understands the logical reasoning (or lack there of) of her husband she can then start to use that to win over the appeal and affection of her husband. She is able to use what she has learned to please her husband. While she has greater plans in mind, by pleasing her him in the ways in which he likes now, he more drawn to her, and in turn she is able to be closer to him as well.

After consideration of the relationships that surround me in the present and in the past, I also think that the cognitive self, must be true and applicable. In a majority of relationships it is the girl that seeks to be closer to the man. It is she that seeks to find a commitment or monogamist relationship. It is the man however that this does not appeal to. Men prefer to be in relationships where they can have a little space. Men tend to prefer women who do not appear to be “needy” or require a lot of time from the man. It is ideal for a man to have an affectionate relationship with a woman and still maintain their independence. Once you are able to come to terms with this concept, it becomes even clearer why women would choose to please there husband in this manner. The man is going to naturally pull away from the woman when he starts to get close. However, if the woman is engaging him in a way that he finds appealing, he will be less hesitant to commit. If he is being pleasured all the time, he will no longer find spending time with her to be a threat.

Starting with the in most level there is the affective. This is the heart and soul of a healthy and spiritually bound marriage or dating relationship. It is the foundation between husbands and wives of a unity that they will share for eternity. In this level of a marriage or relationship, it requires that both the man and the women put behind them their old ways and embrace a better and more mature way of being with each other. They leave behind them their old feelings of loyalty to other things both material and spiritual, and any associations that would hinder them from being completely devoted to their new love and relationship.

An example from the literature to support this topic would be the behavior exhibited by the husband. Many (not all) husbands enjoy having a guys night out. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but we must consider the reasoning behind the night out. For the most part what the husband is truly enjoying, whether they admit to it or not, is the time that they are spending away from their spouse. This is not to say that the husband is off doing something that he is not supposed to be doing, but it’s the fact that he is holding on to something that belongs to him and only him. To be in the affective self, you have to fully be committed to the other person. Having a guy’s night out is a way (indirectly or directly) of maintaining your independence from your spouse. It’s almost like an outlet from the commitment that he has made. If you are truly in love and connected as you should be, the reasoning behind the guy’s night out should not be to distance your self from your partner.

To me this only makes sense. If this “affective self” is a level of maturity that we are trying to achieve, it is logical that we would want to shed away all the possible threats to our relationship in order to obtain it. How can we expect to truly be devoted to someone and truly give them all of our heart, when in the back of our mind we are still attached to someone or something else? When you truly come to understand what it means to be in the affective self, realizations may surface that you are not at this level yet. This to me is ok. Being in the affective self is the highest level of the threefold self that you are trying to achieve, so remember that it all takes time and there is a lot(especially for the men) to learn and grown from.

In order to get a better interpretation of what it means to be in the affective self and have affective conjunction, here is a quote by Dr, James about affective conjunction:

“…This doesn’t just mean that the man has aligned his feelings with his woman. In other words he has given up his male prerogatives left to him by society and traditions…He is expected to provide for her needs, to support her in her endeavors, and to be decent to her. But he is not expected to become more dependent on her for his feelings, motives, and ambitions. He is expected to love her and be loyal to her, but not to give up his independent feelings and strivings…”

This best sums up the affective self.

Now that there is an understanding of what the threefold self is, we can answer the question of whether or not we can conclude that men assert lesser feelings than women. I have to say that this in not true. Both men and women are both born with the same set of feelings and emotions. God did not create on gender with emotions that he did not give to another. Men are aware of their emotions, just not as strongly as women are, but there is a major gender difference when it comes to expressing them. Women are intrinsically more in touch with their feelings and are more geared toward understanding what they feel and why they feel the way that they do. They tend to be more vocal, but once again, this does not take away from the men.

Look at the threefold self as examples of this. When men feel that they are being “smothered” in a relationship because of the neediness of their significant other, they want to have a guy’s night out. They’re feeling that they need to break free for a while, they need to feel independent, but all these emotions are not verbalized. It is often a popular communication tactic for a man to give a woman the “silent treatment” as a way of getting back at her. We can know understand that though he is not using any words, a lot is still being communicated non-verbally.

A lot of emotions are expressed in men through the mood and tone in the reactions that they make. As an example, when a husband accompanies his wife while shopping. The wife may frequently ask the husband for his opinion and just by picking up on his reaction you can feel or sense the emotion. If he comes off as bored, irritated, or hostile, chances are he is, and these are all emotions. The fact that women over look these signs act as an attributor to an unpleasant relationship. The wife will continue to push the husband to open up, and the husband, because he is not as verbal with his emotions, will continue to be pushed further away.

This concept is something that I can speak of first hand. I am the only son, and my sister is the only daughter. One would think that growing up in the same household and with the same parents that when it came down to emotions and morality, that we would have more similarities. However, the opposite is the reality. My sister was raised by both our mom and dad to be open about their feelings. If she got hurt, she was often met with long lasting emotional hugs and the reassurance that crying was ok. When I got hurt however, I was taught to not be so expressive with my emotions. “Big boys don’t cry!” is something that I was told many times. To me, it sent a message that because my sister was a girl, it was ok for her to cry when she was hurt, and because I was a boy, I could not show my pain, and I had to hold it in. I had to be macho. Men are also supposed to be the strong and stable ones. In a time of great emotional distress, women are known to get overly emotional and expect the man to “keep it together” and to be the voice of reason, despite whether or not they feel strong and stable. I believe that the media is also a contributor to this vastly, in my opinion, growing problem.

When children are growing into adolescence and then into adulthood, there are no real representations of reality for them to identity to. Men have sports, which is not a bad thing, but teaches them next to nothing about being emotionally expressive. They see macho men constantly being tested for their strength and ability physically, but hardly ever do they witness the inner struggle that a man faces emotionally. Women on the other hand have a plethora of accessible venues. Most of the day time talk show hosts are all women and more often than not, the guests will also be women as well. A popular television program amongst women is “Soap Operas”, which when boiled down to, is nothing but one dramatic scene after another where it is not at all uncommon to find a female character crying.

The media reinforces what should not be learned. It was what our parents were taught, it’s what they taught us, and sadly we will teach it to our future generation. It acts a mirror for people who think that what we see on television and in magazines is reality. It is important for me as a man to start seeing men that are valued by their great hearts through their expressiveness without being looked down upon or ashamed.

Question six:

Consider Table six in the lecture notes… it gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indications of One’s Relationship Model, along with YES/NO specifications for the three models. First, explain what the table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give a couple examples to illustrate concretely). Include brief explanations for what three models are. Second, create a similar table of 20 new items that you make up yourself, and fill in the YES/NO columns. Calculate the percent overlap. Third, Discuss what your results show and how such an approach could be explained to help couples be more aware of their interaction pattern.

Table six is the Behavioral Indicators of One’s Relationship model. It aims to show the contrasting elements that differentiate the phases of marriage that we go through. There are three levels that will be briefly explained. First there is the Dominance Model. As you can detect from the title, in this model of marriage there arises a particular “boss” or someone that takes control of the marriage. This particular model depicts the husband’s attitude toward his marriage and toward his wife. He thinks of himself as the boss, the one in control, and the one in power. It is what he wants and that’s that. Obviously this does not describe a marriage relationship that a person would enjoy so with patience and work, a couple aims to ascend to the next model which is the Equity Model.

This is still not the level that you would want your marriage to be at, but it is still better than the previous model. In the Equity model and with the help of the wife, the husband realizes that the choices that he makes are not just for his own life and relationship to himself, but of his spouse as well. He realizes that there is this connectedness that he has with his wife and the decisions that he makes will also affect her. A couple at this level seeks reciprocity and fairness from each other, but for themselves.

Saving the best for last it the Unity Model. In this model the responsibilities of man and women are both shared with each other. They are shared through the rationalization of both partners. Just like in equity, they seek out justice and fairness from each other, but this time it’s not because they want something back for themselves, but because it brings to their partner. All motives are pure.

Table six lists behaviors that can be found in different marriages. These marriages range from being starting off in the dominance level to the equity level and lastly to the unity model. When going over the list you can select behaviors that you recognize in the relationships that you are in, and the ones that are around you. With the citations of YES or NO, you can see whether or not that particular behavior is present in the corresponding marriage model.

For example: Each partner is tolerant of some of the other’s faults and tries to live with them. In the Dominance model, there would appear a yes because one partner is giving into the other partner even though they might necessarily agree. Only one person’s needs are being met. In the Equity model there could also appear a yes because, a partner could be tolerant of the other partner’s faults because they feel that their partner is tolerant of the faults they have. In the Unity model however there would be a no because of the reciprocal altruism that is taking place. They are not tolerating each other to make each other happy rather they are treating their partner nicely because that is the way in which they want to be treated them self.

The follow is a list of behaviors that I have compiled my self to help differentiate the three models.

Behavior	Dominance	Equity	Unity
Men use silence as a communication tool	YES	NO	NO
Letting your feelings diminish over time	NO	YES	NO
Spending time together	NO	NO	YES
Spending too much time apart	YES	NO	NO
Manipulation of the partner	YES	NO	NO
Thinking of the other person during the day	NO	NO	YES
Spouse taking high priority	NO	YES	YES
Belief that marriage continues in the after life	NO	NO	YES
Having a wiliness to change	NO	YES	YES
Not going out of you way for your partner	YES	YES	NO
Not meaning what you say	NO	NO	NO
Wanting to get to know your partner better each day	NO	YES	YES
Not having things in common	NO	NO	NO
Making your spouse happy	NO	YES	YES
Communicating well	NO	NO	YES
Often going along with the “flow”	YES	YES	NO
Catering to the other person’s needs	YES	YES	YES
Being a good listener	NO	YES	YES
Being able to understand your partner	NO	YES	YES
Waiting for your partner to say “I love you” to say it to them	YES	YES	NO

I think the process of creating a list of behaviors helps to determine what level you are at in your marriage. These can be behaviors that you have noticed your partner doing as well as yourself. This process forces to have an understanding of the dominance, equity, and unity model. More importantly it requires you take closely examine how your marriage is surviving. A phrase that I hear frequently helps to cement this concept. The phrase in which I speak is “There is great bliss in ignorance.”

I think this very much applies to this table. Often times, especially in the equity model, people may have been engaging in what they view to be harmless behaviors. If they are not educated they might not be as able to reach the unity level of marriage as people who willing try to work on their marriage goring through each phase and taking what they have learned with them. It can also help get people out of an unhappy marriage cycle. If they find themselves not being happy with each other, maybe they can make a list or read the one presented in the literature to maybe identify or pinpoint areas in there marriage that are problematic.

Question seven:

Analyze the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. Use the unity marriage model in the lecture noted to characterize the threefold self of the husbands that wrote to her. Find 10 brief quotes from what they wrote, and analyze each one, showing the character of their threefold self. Discuss the author’s philosophy or psychology or relationships between men and women. How do you see her approach and what is your evaluation of it?

From the title of Dr. Laura’s book, conclusions can be drawn that it is a book about nurturing that it takes to make a marriage happy and long lasting. While this is true, the main focus of this book is the husband and the needs that he needs to have met by his companion. The following are quotes from men that I have selected from her book to talk about.

QUOTE ONE

From chapter one: The Improper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Page 5

“What ever happened to sweetness? If you act like a Bi*ch, you will be treated like a Bi*ch. I asked my wife once if she wanted something, as she was being unusually nice. She angrily said to me ‘I would never be nice to anyone to get them to do something for me. That is sucking up!’

So, what is the alternative? Treat them like sh*t? A man takes care of his woman and a woman should take care of her man! What a concept.”

Based on what was sent in to Dr. Laura and the judging by the language used, obliviously this marriage is not one existing in the Unity Model, but rather the Equity model. The husband appears to be living the “Golden Rule”, treating others the way you want to be treated. He is saying if you are going to act in a way in which I dislike, then I am going to treat you in a way that will reflect my dislike. Reading between the lines, we can infer that if the wife where to act in a way in which he does like, in turn his behavior will too show signs of his approval.

Another comment worth concern from this quote would be why the husband questioned the wife’s kindness. It says a lot about a marriage when the showing of affection or kindness to your partner warrants suspicion. It is almost as if the only time this man’s wife shows affection is because she wants something. Lastly we take a look at the last line. “A man takes care of his woman and a woman should take care of her man!” In this line, we observe the concept of reciprocity. A man should take care of his woman because a woman should take care of her man. They are taking care of each other because they want to be taken care of themselves, not because they have a pure goal of just taking care of their partner for their needs.

According to the threefold self, this couple would be stuck in the cognitive self. They are trying to understand the other person’s thought process only to determine how they should in turn behave. Dr. Laura identifies the situation as a fault of the wife. She simply admits that the problem lies within the way that the she interacts with the husband. If she was naturally and often gave and showed her husband the affection that he needs, her motives would not be questioned. The husband would not feel conflicted or confused when it would come down to how he would treat her. He would naturally act better around if this were to happen.

I do not necessarily agree with this. I think that Dr. Laura resides too much in the equity and dominance models. In this book, you can see her strong support for the husband when really it is the wife that should be supported. When it comes to relationships women take the lead, knowledge wise. She talks about how women should show their husbands respect because they are the bread winners and the guardians of the house. I think the views and advice that she bestows upon her callers and listeners it very one sided and narrow minded. It’s no wonder why they keep calling in.

QUOTE TWO

“[My wife] feels that is she doesn’t remind me again and again, something won’t get done. But the fact is, it makes me feel like her child and that mommy needs to check up on me. It’s degrading. I want to be admired. I want to be acknowledged for being the breadwinner and making sure that we are all well taken care of. My greatest pleasure is when I feel like he hero. Like her ‘man’. Not her boy.”

Page 31

Once again this is a marriage that does not exhibit one of t a Unity model. It seems that they are still in the equity phase. What it would appear that the husband is communicating distress over his needs not being vindicated and respected enough for the work that he does. There could also be hints of the dominance model coming through. Some the distress that the husband is having may be coming from the fact that he thinks himself to be the boss. He may have a thought process which tells him that he needs to be respected because he is the man, the king of the house hold and the wife’s attitude and unappreciative attitude does not support that.

It would appear as well, that the husband may be stuck in the sensorimotor self. Obtaining the skills that one acquires to move though this phase would definitely contribute to this couple getting over this obstacle. In the sensorimotor phase the couple would engage in activities that they both enjoy for the benefit of each other. The wife should take note of the mood that the husband is in when he comes home from work. Maybe at that time, nagging is not an activity that she should want to engage in. On the other hand, the husband should also be noticeable to his wife and realize that after the day she has had, she might not be in the best of spirits to praise him on his work efforts. Realizing this could help them progress to the affective level. The husband should not come home with expectations of his wife praising him for the things that he has done at work. Instead he should look forward to being able to come home and spending time with his wife.

Dr. Laura’s outlook on this situation would be the wife not giving attention to the right subject matter. According to Dr. Laura, the husband is having a problem because the wife chooses to exhort her energy into “whipping her husband in to shape.” She focuses on the all the negative things that the husband does in attempts to make him change. She is finding the faults in his behavior and is trying to “correct” them. She feels the wife should take pride in her husband and respectful that he has spent his day working to provide for his family. This is where I have to disagree.

I do not find it appropriate to want and or expect a wife to wait for her husband to come home only to have to stroke his ego. I believe that a woman encounters an equal share of stress during her day just as her husband would. She deals then what I feel to be the more important issues of a marriage. The husband’s job, on a basic level, is to provide financial security for his family, but it is the wife’s job to actually be the one to take care of that family.

Just as most men and Dr. Laura would prefer the wife to be the one to greet the husband with great enthusiasm when he gets home, it to me should be the other way around. The husband should be the one to exhibit signs of excitement to come home to his wife and family. Just the though alone of the being able to leave work which is hardly enjoyed, and return home should give a husband an elated mood. I think that understanding this would help this couple a great deal. If a husband where to behave in this manner, the next step would naturally be the wife modifying her behavior as well. She would be conditioned to be excited when she knows her husband is coming home because she knows what is coming ahead. She knows that her husband is coming home to see her and she anticipates the time that they will spend together.

QUOTE THREE

“Honey, it is part of your job as my wife to remind me of any duties I am not fulfilling, just as it is my job as a husband to remind you of your duties. You know I try my best, but if I don’t know what I’m not doing how can I do it, much less do it right? There is a difference between complaining and informing, between criticizing and reminding.”

Page 37

This is a quote from a man that is stuck in cognitive self of the threefold self concept. He and his wife are not able to rationalize and interpret what and how each other are thinking. It shows that the husband is still putting in an effort to try to find out what she wants from him as a husband. He claims that there is a difference between the complaining and reminding. He blames the wife for not reminding him of what his responsibilities are. What I think he can learn from then ascending through the cognitive self is the ability that knows that it’s not a matter of her nagging or reminding him of his duties, but rather he should know what his responsibilities are already. Why would a wife find the need to complain if what she was asking for, within reason, is already being done?

From this quote is also appears that the couple is stuck in the equity model of marriage. We get this from the first sentence. It’s your job-my job. They are relying on the other person to remind each other of the duties that both a husband and I wife should already know. Do we not have to commit to our partner if our partner does not commit to us first? If I am not reminded of my duties, does that mean that I am unbound to those duties? The fact is whether or not we are reminded; we still know what we are supposed to. Waiting to be told is not the answer.

According to Dr. Laura the wives are at fault. She says that women constantly complain and nag their husband. She feels that these are almost personal attacks wives make to their husbands which ultimately leads to the decay of their self esteem and worth. She claims that when wives nag they are being overly critical of their husbands. The next quote works hand and hand with this very issue.

QUOTE FOUR

“My wife still doesn’t get it. I would be by much more willing to do the chores she wants me to do if I got some show of appreciation of doing them.”

Page 45

In This quote we have the feelings of a husband who does put forth the effort and tries to do the things that his wife wants him to do. However he still remains in the cognitive self because his focus is on being shown gratitude for the things that he has done, and not because he loves his wife and wants to make her happy. That would be the affective. He is willing to do things for her but she has to give him something in return. Obviously this has been a problem for this man for some time because of the connotation of the word still. He says that she still doesn’t get it. This implies that this is something that he has been feeling for some amount of time.

Dr. Laura would say that this is one way of controlling their husband. For these types of men who need the attention and approval from their wives for the things that they do, their wives control them by withholding form them what they really want. These wives know what their husbands want. They want to be shown appreciation, and they will keep putting forth the effort until they get it. I however do not view the situation from this view point.

While I do understand how far a “please” and “thank you” can take you, I think the area of man concern is why the husband only feeds the need to do things when he is complemented for doing them. Existing in the affective self and in the unity model, a husband would want to do these things to make his wife happy. That would be his thank you, and her happiness would be the way that she shows her gratitude. What better way can a wife show her gratitude to her husband. When the wife is made happy by her husband she will show it. She will feel the desire to want to show him affection. The love and affection that she will show him is much more meaningful and special than just a simple “thank you”. This is how the husband will get the gratitude that he desires. It’s ironic that they can not see it.

QUOTE FIVE

“If I had to summarize, I’d say, ‘Please ladies, realize that we men do love you, and although you may not think that we do much around the house, we do the ugly stuff like change the oil and mow the lawn and get up early when it snows to shovel a path to your car and start the car so it will be warm when you get in. We would walk through fire for you to get you a quart of cookie-dough ice cream in the middle of the night, because we love you’.”

Page 47

It would seem as if this husband was in the affect self, but I think he is still stuck in the cognitive. This was a husband that had an affair with another woman. He then ended it and decided to work on things with his wife. This quote was the ending of a letter that he wrote to Dr. Laura. The reason why I think that he is still stuck in the cognitive level is because he first doesn’t understand where the wife is coming from and second he had an affair. These are things that couples in the unity model and of the affect self no longer do.

First, if this couple was truly connected and happy with each other, the affair wouldn’t have taken place. Two people of the unity marriage model and of the affective self are mentally and spiritually connected. People of this caliber would not feel the need to commit acts such as these. Second, a person learns in the affective self to be aware and responsive to the other person’s feelings and emotions. There must be something wrong if the husband is getting the impression that his wife doesn’t know that he loves her, and if a man is doing all these things than the woman should know that he loves her for doing them.

From Dr. Laura’s perspective it’s almost as if the wife’s behavior “forced” him into the arms of another woman. It’s almost as is Dr. Laura is justifying what the husband has done. She concludes that men do put forth an effort, but it is the woman that is not satisfied. The husband does what he is supposed to and when they do, the wife finds something else that they are not doing. This is why Dr. Laura thinks this man cheated. If the wife is not going to be satisfied by all of the things that he does, he is going to want to find someone that will. She doesn’t mention that the husbands behavior is unfaithful or immoral, rather that it’s the woman’s behavior that drove him to do it.

QUOTE SIX

“Despite our rugged outward appearance, most men tend to have delicate psyches. I know four very happily married men. In each case their wives make a point of stroking their egos and making them feel that they approve of them. Consequently, these men practically worship their wives.”

Page 73

I think that this husband has the components of what it takes to move to the affective self, but just is not there yet. He is in touch with his emotions and that is a great step in his regeneration process into becoming a better husband. According to the threefold self model, this husband would be coming to terms with his cognitive self. He is trying to understand his own thinking and rationalization. Why I think he is still in this level is because it would appear that he is focused on him self. It is almost as if he is saying that

QUOTE SEVEN

“When I am done with my personal time and come back upstairs, I am relaxed, and I am open to ‘hear’ what she is saying, and everyone is happier. She has also come up with a catchphrase. When she prepares to tell me something, she reminds me that she doesn’t need anything fixed or solved and that cues me that I’m just supposed to listen, which is what she really wants.”

This is one of the better quotes that I have come across in the reading of this book. This is a husband that knows what he is supposed to do, and more importantly he actually does it. What is impressive is that he states nothing about his complaint of doing it either. He knows that listening to his wife in the evening makes her happy, so he does it. During these conversations it is made known that wife doesn’t know what the husband to do anything about the problem, just listen. The husband fights his natural impulse to want to give her advice or solve her problem for her because he knows that is not what she wants. It would appear that this husband has come full circle.

The only main areas of concern that I would have is the need for his “personal time”. If he is using his personal time as a way of maintaining his independence over his wife, then I would say that he is not ready to be of the affective self. He would then need to find the will to shed his desire of wanting to be independent. This is logically. Men and women should not get married when deep in their minds and hearts they still want to be independent. However I do not believe that this is the case for the husband of this quote. I think it will just take time for him to get over his urge of wanting to solve his wife’s problem. This is a learning process and it takes time. It shows that even though the husband wants to do something about the wife’s distress, he will not because he knows that it not what she wants. I think that this is a good sign. This time Dr. Laura doesn’t seem to disagree as much.

The only cause for concern for Dr. Laura is that she has it allowing the husband time to come home and unwind for a while. She believes that by allowing the husband time to unwind and relax for a certain amount of times allows them to be more talkative and attentive in conversations later in the evening. I have to agree with this. If someone had a bad day and returned home after work only to listen to the trials and tribulations of their partner, they wouldn’t be of much help. They need this time to relax and prepare themselves physically and more importantly mentally. This would benefit both the husband and the wife. The husband has his unwind time, and in return for the wife allowing him to unwind she gets a more attentive husband to listen to her.

QUOTE EIGHT

“Women don’t forgive well. They never forget –and stack disappointments up like cordwood. Women tend to blurt out, at what seems to be ‘out of the blue’ moments, being upset about what seems to be unrelated issues.”

This is a concept of a husband who is stuck in the cognitive level of the threefold self. However, from this quote it would appear that he is making the effort to try to understand his partner. This particular husband is not yet ready to understand why the wife can not forget, but through anger he is still trying to rationalize. What I think is important for him to understand is not the fact that the wife will not forgive, but rather why she is not forgetting.

I think that it is unreasonable for anyone to complain about a person that does not forgive. To me, the real matter is what action where committed in the first place that upset the wife. It seems like the husband has done several things over the course of their marriage that the wife hasn’t appreciated or disliked, and instead of the husband showing remorse for the situation, he blames the wife for not forgetting about it.

According to Dr. Laura, this situation is caused yet again by the wife. This is another tool that she uses to gain dominancy over her husband. The wife is aware that the husbands feel bad for the actions they have done in the past. She uses their remorse as a way of keeping the husband pleasing her. The husband will continue trying to please the wife until she shows them that they have genuinely forgotten and forgiven them. Dr. Laura goes on to state that there is irony in this scenario. A lot of the wives that call her always complain about or talk about wanting a “happy” marriage. She finds this ironic because most women, just like the one in this scenario don’t forgive their husbands for the things that they do. They may say they do, but they still harbor feelings of resentment. The happy marriage that they long for, according to Dr. Laura will never happen if then continue to think that way.

I agree with Dr. Laura in the sense that you can never have a happy marriage if all you can think about it all the bad things that has happened. I still maintain however, that cutting the problem off at the source is the best way to go. Instead of the man putting time and energy into trying to make his wife more forgiving, he should try to change the behaviors that he does to make her mad.

QUOTE NINE

“I am tired of women putting all the men down for wanting and needing affection. Aren’t people in love supposed to want to kiss and make love? That just makes sense to me.”

This to me is a may be a positive struggle. This is a husband stuck in the nearing the end of the cognitive level. He is coming to terms with the truth that men too need and like affection, no matter how mainly they assume themselves to be. I think this could be a good thing because it can lead to the realization that the husband is coming to terms with his relationship with his wife. He may start to realize the connection that he could have with his wife. This train of thought will lead him to the affect self where he and his wife can ascend into the unity model of marriage.

The downside to this situation would be if the husband was speaking out of a selfish need and desire. This could be the dominance model squeezing through. The husband may be speaking about the attention that he should be getting but is not. In this respect I would say that he has a lot to learn. A husband cannot expect a wife to want to show affection and give sexual favors to her husband if she does not feel the connection. She should have to commit the act of sex, if she is not mentally in the mood.

Dr. Laura comments that sex should be given freely and eagerly in good marriage. She believes that it’s a way of releasing deep emotion and closeness. Where I think Dr. Laura went wrong is that she thinks that the wife should not withhold the act of sex from her husband. She views it as something that can bring hem closer together. To me the issue now lies in whether or not the marriage is “good.” Naturally the husband is going to say that the marriage is good, because he wants to have sex. He will want to have sex no matter what is going in the marriage. If the wife isn’t happy, there should be no reason for her giving the husband any kind of pleasure.

QUOTE TEN

“A woman would do well to understand that an honest, faithful husband who goes on a three-week hunting trip is not telling her he doesn’t love her. He just wants to kill something. Nothing more complicated than that.”

This is a husband that is stuck in the dominance model. He still finds the need to have his independence from his wife. He is not ready to fully commit to her. He uses these camping trips as away of keeping an identity of his own that is separate from his wife. Just as in the sensorimotor level of the threefold self, a couple should be doing things that they enjoy together to in turn bring them together. In this situation however, the husband enjoys activities that only distance himself from his wife. It’s the time that he has away from his wife that he is enjoying. A couple in the unity model of marriage would not enjoy the time they spend away from each other in this sense.

What Dr. Laura has to say about this situation actually goes hand in hand with what we been covering. He doesn’t view this husband as a man because he is able to stand up to his wife and tell her that he needs to go out with his friends and do macho things. Instead, what she views to be the manlier thing, is to stand up to his friends and tell them that he does not want to go. To me, there should be no shame in telling your peers that you want to spend time with your wife, after all that is why you married her.

Question 2

Contrast the three views of gender relationships expressed by Deborah Tannen in Gender Issues, Laura Schlessinger in the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and Leon James in The Doctrine of the Wife. Give a summary of your analysis by creating a chart or table that shows the difference between them in a systematic way. Give your opinion on the elements or entries in your chart. How do you your own views compare to what’s in the chart? How are your ideas influenced by these three different perspectives on marriage?

This three books offer differing opinions of gender and relationships. There is a lot to learn from each from each of them. To better understand the main concepts of each book, I have made the following chart to which breaks down the differences between the roles of the man or husband and that of the wife. I will start with the first book, The Doctrine of the Wife.

THE DOCTRINE OF THE WIFE

The Role of the Husband

• One of the first things that this book speaks about is the fact that men are not born of love, women are. This is one of the reasons why it takes longer for the man to commit to a relationship. It requires that the man use his inner wisdom in order to tap into the woman’s ability to love. Women learn the ability to learn through God, and in turn the men learn how to love through the women.

• As mentioned before, men are not born of love. What they are considered to be born of is natural narcissism and careless (when it comes to relationships). In other words, men are stupid.

• In order for the man to get over these cognitive behaviors, he must start to act of and from his wife. He must come to the realization that while he has the potential to love, it is his wife that is truly going to give him the ability to actually love.

• A man being able to commit is very important. Without acquiring the necessary steps in commit to a relationship, the marriage of a man and woman will never be able to exist in the Unity Marriage Model.

• The husband can do this by committing acts that prove his selfishness. He must learn to think from the woman’s point of view. This is logical because as mentioned early it is the woman who has the wisdom of love, so it is imperative that men like them. As we learned in class when a man can think like this, he gets more out of his marriage.

• This can only happen if the man sheds his egotistical male macho-ness or the desire and keep his independence from his wife.

• Once the husband does this, the chances of their marriage obtaining the unity model have bountiful.

The Role of the Wife

• The role of the wife is the most important role, and one that can be difficult. In benefit of the marriage, the wife must know and acknowledge that patience will pay off.

• The wife needs to have patience because women have that intrinsic ability love. It is important that they wait and help guide their husbands to the level that they are on. It is their job to help them obtain their same wisdom of love.

• This puts the wife is a “couching” position. They are the experts and it involves training the men and embedding in them the necessary skills.

• The most important point from the wife’s role is to not let the husband take over her role of teacher. A man’s “manhood” or ego is one of the hardest things for him to give up. In the course of a marriage the wife has to remain patience when going through the dominance model, where the husband tries to gain control and power over the relationship. In a sense, she is waiting for her husband to come around. Through her waiting can constant teaching, the marriage will be able to reach the Unity Marriage Model.

My Analysis of The Doctrine of the Wife

I think that reading is this material will be easier for women to understand. A large portion of this is because of the perception that men have to give up a lot. At first glance of this material, one may assume that to make a marriage work that the husband has to give up a lot. If he renders power to his wife, then he is seen as being too feminine.

He would be what popular culture refers to as being whipped. I think that we can blame this largely on society.

In modern day society, the man has to be the one in control. This is the dominance model. The man is the breadwinner for the family and therefore needs to be the one in control. As the provider and protector of the house, he is therefore the guardian or man of that house. If the man is to assume this role, then according to the dominance model this has to place someone in a more acquiescent role. This role is given to the wife. She is expected to be subservient to her husband and to take care of his needs.

According to The Doctrine of the Wife, giving into this kind of dominance will only hinder a marriage from being all that it can be. Just as a man has the large task of giving up his so called “manhood”, a woman has to make sacrifices as well. As tempting as it could be for her to try to control her husband and push him into the ideas of marriage, she has to wait until he is ready to come around to it at his own time. If she tries to push him before he is ready, he will miss the valuable lessons that he needs to learn. He may then develop the tendency of saying things he doesn’t mean or “going with the flow” in order to keep the wife happy.

Gender and Discourse

In this book, Tannen focuses manly on behavior. She writes about the ways, in which men and women talk. While she does focus on the ways in which they both communicate, she also writes about the ways they communicate nonverbally.

The Characteristics of the Husband

These characteristic can be found in the book, but a lot was taken from our in class discussions.

• During conversation men tend to:
• Make less eye contact with whom they are speaking
• Interrupt more than women
• Communicate more so verbally than nonverbally which would include not using as many hand or facial gestures
• Have in increase in the distance between whom they are speaking.
• Tend in speak in blunt and sometimes under minding overtones.
• Communication is a large part of relationship, and as you can see by some the precious points made, men are very different than women. This builds problems in the relationship.

The Characteristics of the Wife

• During conversation women tend to:
• Make more eye contact than their partner
• Interrupt less
• Communicate with better verbal skills which may often includes sending many nonverbal cues.
• Have in increase of closeness between who they are speaking
• Tend to speak in more carefully thought words and speak in greater detail than their partners.
• Women are better communicators, and because of this ability they tend communicate more than men do. They find it more necessary to talk more. Men tend to think it is unnecessary, and that is another reason why communication is a problem.

My Analysis of Gender Issues

I do recognize through the conversations that I have in my relationships and the relationships of the others round me that these points do hold up. I agree with Tannen that people need to be aware that there gender issues between men and women that cross over in the way that we think and feel. It is imperative that we learn to recognize these differences. This is not to say that we must learn to live with these differences but learn to be more tolerant of them. In order for our marriages and relationships to grow we must be able to rationalize and empathize with our partners. Know that they have their own method and way of communicating.

This would also involve the ability to speak up when we feel the need to talk about something to our partner. We don not have to stand by and allow our partner’s to do things that upset us. Instead, keeping a clear path of communication always open, and have nothing off limits.

The Proper care and Feeding of Husbands

Dr. Laura has a view that may be hard for women to relate and identify to. In her opinion, the wife should take on a more submissive role in a marriage. In other words she should take a back seat to a man when needed. Because Dr. Laura has this view, the only chart that will be listed will be that of the wife.

The Roles of the Wife

· The most important job that a wife will have is to take care of her husband and family. Even if this means not having an outside job.

· The wife wants to communicate more

o This would mean acknowledging when the husband is not in the mood, and to keep the verbal banter to a minimum.

o Realize that men are “problem solves” and minimize conversing with him about problems that you don’t want him to fix

· Not complain about the husband not “working” around the house as much. He has just as stressful a job.

· Allow him time to himself. “Guy time” is an important time for a husband.

· The wife should exhibit all these points because the husband is the provider for the family, the breadwinner, and therefore deserves to be treated in this manner.

My Analysis of The Proper Care and Feeding of husbands.

As a man, it would naturally be easier for me to agree with Dr. Laura. She believes that men are the strong and sturdy foundation of a family. Men provide the financial security and protection of the family. This, unarguably, is the most important thing for a family. Since this great responsibility is being carried out by men, to Dr. Laura, they should be treated as if they where the king of the jungle.

I do agree with Dr. Laura but only to a certain extent. I do think that there should be a great deal of respect for the husband as the breadwinner but in my opinion, I do not think that the wife has to take a subservient position to the man. I think that the stresses of being a stay at home mom could also bear just as much stress if not more, than the having an outside job. As because of that I would have to disagree. I think that Dr. Speaks of the Equity Marriage Model instead of the Unity Model. I interpret her reading as trying to equalize the marriage. Do for the husband because he does for you and the husband should do for the wife what she does for him. I don’t think this is how a marriage should work. The goal of a marriage should be to do for your partner because you want to.

Analysis of the Three Charts

I think that to really gain a strong educational perspective on marriage, it is useful to acquire the knowledge of different view points. I do not think that I would have the knowledge and new found perspective that I have on the topic of men, women, and the relationships formed between the two. I believe that there is a lot that people can take from each of these books. It may work out that you learn something from one that you never knew before. For me, reading these books has allowed me to identify and understand behaviors and emotions that I have experienced before. The difference for me now is that I am able to recognize them when they happen and understand why in fact it did happen. I think that I took each concept even though different, and modified it to make sense for me.

In Dr. James’s book, The Doctrine of the Wife, the responsibility fell on the wife. It was her job to motivate and teach the husband how to love and commit. She does this in sort of an elevated position, a more superior role. She becomes a teacher while the husband becomes the student. In contrast, while Dr. Laura does give responsibility to the wife, it is more the responsibility of taking care of him and catering to his needs. This is more of a master servant role. Where I think Tannen’s book comes into play is where the communication takes place. Whether you believe the concepts of Dr. James, communication is still important. The wife needs to be able to effectively covey what she needs to the husband to guide him through the different model s of marriage. If you lean more toward Dr. Laura, it can still apply. To provide moral support to a husband, communication whether verbally or nonverbally is how you would do it. Understanding the gender differences in communication allows the wife to show appreciation in a way that will make him feel better.

QUESTION THREE

A husband and wife seem to get along real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show disrespect and hatred for each other. Explain why this turnabout can happen and what its cause is. Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the lecture notes.

I think that a couple can appear to be happy on the outside, but what’s going on in the inside is what is more important. In order to have marriage in the unity model it is important that a couple connect all the way through their relationship. This means that they need to have an elevated mental connection. They need to be able to reach each other deeply through the connectedness of their minds. The couple described in the question does not have this connection and is therefore not in the unity model. What I believe to be the reason is a hidden hatred of your partner.

Having a hidden hatred of your partner is loving your partner but still retaining a hatred or strong disliking for the things that your partner says or does. This is very common in a marriage. If things overall are going well, compromises are made. Compromises can be a good thing, however, if is something that you feel you should have to agree upon, it is important that something is said. What this does is creates a separation between partners in a relationship. You can’t be fully and truly connected to your partner if deep in your mind you feel that you are giving up something for your partner. This compromising situation that you are placed in keeps you from fully being able to commit to your partner. This problem occurs after the sensorimotor self and in the cognitive self.

In the sensorimotor level, the couple enjoys doing things on an external level. They engage in actives that they both enjoy to in order to bring about closeness. This is what this couple already has. They are able to enjoy each other’s presences and company. In the cognitive level is where the problems arise. The point of this stage is to understand how each other think and feel. This is not what this particular couple is doing. Instead of approaching their problems as free ground they tend to shy away. Typically when there is a problem, the partner will not say anything because they want to maintain that relationship. If things are going alone smoothly for the most part, they will let things slide. This is the cause of the flip flop.

In the marriage model, this couple would be stuck in the equity model. No one is trying to dominate over another, but instead couple’s are allowing each other’s bad behaviors slide by. They do this because they feel that they themselves have bad habits and that if their partner is letting them go, they in turn should also let their partners behaviors go by as well. I do not see how couples can do this. If something had the potential danger to ruin the sanctity of my marriage, I would stop at no cost to eliminate that threat. I believe that a marriage is the most important relationship, next to the one with God that a person can have. I also believe that it crosses over into the after life. Because I hold marriage so close to my heart, I do not believe that a couple should let problems interfere.

This brings about another point in this marriage. While this couple is experiencing their turn about, they are also unconsciously practicing the ability to be affectionate with someone that they don’t like. They know and have it in the back of their minds that there are strong feelings on the inside, yet they have the ability to push that to the back of their minds and be affectionate with each other when they want to. I do not find this healthy for the relationship.

What I think this couple needs to do is communicate more. In the cognitive self, they need to understand why their partner does the things that they don’t like. Is there an underlining issue that needs to be brought to attention? I encourage a couple to find out why things are so important to each other. Get to know what makes each other tick. On the equity model stage, I would say not to do care less just because your partner cares less. Seeking equality in this sense only holds a couple back. Instead, seek out what the other person really feels. This is how one achieves the affective self and the unity model. Push to be joined to your partner in all walks of life. Strive for the mental connection and keep your eye on the prize. Don’t just “go with the flow” of things, that is not the answer. There are not shortcuts in the unity model. For those, like this couple, who try for a quick fix; will end up lapsing into their old habits. When you reach the unity model, it takes all the skills that you have learned getting there to keep you there. If not, you will fall into this cycle.

Question 5

Select six student reports on marriage from Generation 20, as listed in the Readings section of the Lecture Notes. You must select any two students from Report 1, any two from Report 2, and any two from Report 3. Summarize each of the six reports. Be sure to put a link to the students' reports. Add a General Conclusion Section in which you discuss your reactions to what they did – (a) their ideas, (b) their method, (c) their explanations. What did they gain from doing their reports? How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?

Report 1a

This report was completed by Ann.

In this report she talks about Gender Identify. She does so by explaining the concepts of the Threefold self. She ports that there are gender differences between men and women, and how she feels they can work on overcoming these differences so that they do not cause harm to the relationship or marriage. She understands better now, why she was able to recognize when couples had problems and sometimes opted for divorce. He, like me feels that there is a lot to learn about a marriage and there is a lot that we can do to make our marriages work.

Report 1b

This report was completed by “Cheetara”.

In this report, Cheetara writes about the writings of Emanuel Swedenborg and conjugial love. She admits that she is young and not very wise to the ways of these concepts but she feels that she knows more now, and has the time that it will take to strengthen and develop more the knowledge that she will take with her from this course. I agree with Cheetara. We are both lucky that we were able to take this class while we are young. It gives us both more time to work on the relationships that we are in now and/or preparation for the future.

Report 2a

This report was completed by Chris M

In this report about gender Identify Chris uses concepts such as the threefold self, and the emotional spin cycle to support the topic. After completion of his report he states that he has learned a lot. He didn’t think that he would ever use the threefold self as a way of monitoring his own behavior, but realizes that he has. He agrees with this concept because he realizes that he does these things subconsciously without even knowing it. He also feels that the emotional spin cycle is a valid way of trying to understand what your partner is feelings, and therefore he too agrees. I also agree with Chris because I can relate. In the being of the class, these concepts seemed to be more theoretical and I didn’t think that I would be able to apply them to my life. However, I have come to the conclusion that I was wrong.

Report 2b

This report was completed by Jennifer Combs.

In this report which also speaks about gender and relationships, she also uses the threefold self to explain her points. She uses the self monitoring process for her to better understand the ways in which she can apply the threefold self to her own life. She also conducts an experiment on her husband as well. She did this in order to examine the areas of her relationship to her husband that show signs of the dominance or equity models. She now has the ability to see what areas of her marriage she feels that she and her husband need to work on. It has helped her identify the phases and behaviors that cause these problems. I can agree with this, and I am happy for her. I don’t understand what would be the point of this course if you could not apply it to your life, and use it to improve your own marriage.

Report 3a

This report was completed by Brigitlynn Duclos

In this report she talks also about gender issues and she does this by also talking about the threefold self and self witnessing. She turned not only to herself to find examples of things that people do to distance them away from the unity model of marriage, but the media as well. She turned to the television to prove this. She watched day time soaps to see just how many times and instances was a relationship portrayed in the dominance or equity stage. She views that after watching all the programs in which she did, that we live in a male dominated world. She sees the ways in which society tries to keep relationships in the equity and sadly the dominance model. I can agree with this. Sadly, this is a male dominated world, for now, and just because I am a male doesn’t mean that I am happy with it. I think that it takes at least one man and women at a time, living in the unity model for them to figure people to start noticing how much happier people are living this way.

Report 3b

This report was completed by Suzanne Howard

This report was much like the previous one, however what I find most interesting is that she actually went to a strip club to find out first hand, what this gender differences are. It was a male strip club. She mentions how she thinks it is going against the unity model and disrespectful to both the man for stripping, and the woman for attending. The reason, she feels, is because it causes us to look not to the opposite sex not with respect, but rather with lust. She feels that it places the other person in an objectifying position, one where we would not look at that person as our equal. She feels that if a person is in a relationship, then going to these places would cause the partner to feel sad, mad, or jealous. I can agree with the last part. If you have a partner and you go to places like this, you are walking away from the unity model. You can not expect to be fully conjoined to your partner when you have lust for another person.