Report 2:

My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage

 

By Cheryl Sabey

 

Instructions for Report 2

 

 

INTRODUCTION

 

          This report is for my Psychology 409b class with Dr. Leon James.  In this class we discussed four different books including The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Gender and Discourse, Doctrine of the Wife, and Conjugial Love. We analyzed each of these books and apply it to Dr. James Unity Model of Marriage.  In this report, I applied many of the concepts of the Threefold Self and the Three Levels of Unity I learned in class to the answers to the questions. 

 

QUESTION 2 : Contrast the three views of gender relationships expressed by Deborah Tannen in Gender & Discourse, Laura Schlessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and Leon James in The Doctrine of the Wife. Give a summary of your analysis by creating a chart or table that shows the differences between them in a systematic way. Give your opinion on the elements or entries in your chart. How do your own views compare to what’s in the chart? How are your ideas influenced by these three different perspectives on marriage?

 

Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Dr. Laura’s perspective would either be agreed with or disagreed with by many of the women our society today.  Her unique way of approaching this subject is that it almost seems like she IS a husband and she supports all of the husbands around the world.  She presents an alternate view on how men are viewed and should be treated in the society.  She overall feels that men do not receive enough respect from their wives and that wives take it for granted that husbands do love them and do want them to be happy.  Her main focuses in the book include ways that women must submit themselves to their husbands emotionally, physically, or mentally.  Wives must build on their husbands ego which will supposedly make them stronger and have a better marriage.  It seems that many things women do in their everyday life supposedly makes the life of their husbands “hell.” It even seems she makes excuses for men to cheat because of the “hell” that they are put through by their wives.  She feels husbands should be seen a fragile creatures that should be treated with great value. The overall theme that runs throughout this book is that men are simple creatures that need to be tended to once in a while.

The main model in this book is society’s traditional model of a marriage which is the dominance model.  The dominance model is seen in American cultures as well as other cultures around the world where the men are the overall decision-makers and the head of the family.  As time passes, it may be hard for many women, including myself, to accept Dr. Laura’s view on how a marriage should work.  Women are becoming more independent financially and socially keeping majority of modern marriage in the equity model.  Dr. Laura’s work confirms society’s traditional characteristics of the dominant male.

 

Gender & Discourse by Deborah Tannen

          Tannen wrote this book on the gender differences in conversation styles.  This book emphasizes how men and women approach conversations and arguments.  Women are found to have more inferior positions in conversations versus men who dominate conversations by interruption or aggressiveness.  Women are more indirect and find topics to talk about easier.  Women look more directly at the person and they speak at closer distances.  She also found that culture and society influence a person’s way of speaking.  Tannen emphasizes the differences between male and female as an individual.  She shows that men and women have a difficult time understanding each other because gender interferes in their communication.  By recognizing the differences in communication men and women have, we are able to improve our conversations among each other.

          This book seems to highlight different parts of the three models.  The dominance model is shown by the examples and situations where men dominate conversations.  This shows that men have a more aggressive style making them have more power in relationship.  In the equity model, Tannen shows that men and women find compromise in arguments.  In doing so they still hold their own perspectives but find a common ground that will satisfy them both.  Tannen doesn’t really show any examples that may be in the unity model but it seems that by achieving a good level of communication in a relationship, may allow deep connection between two people allowing them to slowly pass into this model.

         

The Doctrine of the Wife by Dr. Leon James

          Dr. James emphasizes in his book that women have a natural ability to achieve conjugial love and they have spiritual insight of reality.  Because of this insight, men must learn this depth through the women in their relationships.  The conjoint self is the spiritual mind frame that their partner is born through the Lord which consists of opening or activation of spiritual mind not present before. In conjugial love, couples spend all of their time together and are secure just with each other.  Men have love covered over truth and women have truth covered over love.  Although this book emphasizes that the men must reform and regenerate for and with their wives, they should keep some of their own “self” which means they should keep a piece that is contributed to the relationship.  We also need to be conscious of our evil tendencies so that we can improve for the relationship.

          This book emphasizes the unity model which is the highest level that a marriage can achieve.  In this model, the husband must surrender his ways and his faults and live through the eyes of his wife.  He must surrender himself to his wife where she will show him the way to achieve conjugial love.  When this model is met, the couples are inseparable and rely on the good of each other to carry on a happy marriage.  In this model, one person is not dominating the marriage but it is placed on both to sustain peace and satisfaction in the relationship.

 

 

 

Characteristics/Situations in Gender Relationships

Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

Gender and Discourse

Doctrine of the Wife

Married couples usually place emphasis on one partner

Yes

No

Yes

Women communicate on a deeper level in marriage

No

Yes

Yes

Power and solidarity govern a couples interaction

No

Yes

No

A man needs to feel strong as a protector for his woman

Yes

Yes

No

Couples should spend all their time together

No

No

Yes

Couples should have some distance to inspire separateness and privacy

Yes

Yes

No

Placing family (children) as top priority

Yes

No

No

Men will do anything for the women they love

Yes

Yes

Yes

We need to be aware of our faults so we can reform

Yes

No

Yes

When communicating, there is a difference between criticizing and reminding

No

Yes

No

Couples should give gratitude to their partners

Yes

Yes

Yes

When there is a problem there should be a solution and resolution

No

Yes

No

Each of the partners hold their own opinions

Yes

Yes

No

Marriage will be complete with the belief that you will be with your partner in Heaven

No

No

Yes

Sexual satisfaction is important in communicating feelings

Yes

No

Yes

Couples strive to feel connected and accepted by partner

Yes

Yes

No

Talking respectfully in a marriage will create a good relationship

Yes

Yes

Yes

Partners are not easily offended by language or gestures

No

Yes

Yes

One partner becomes overtly submissive to the other

Yes

No

Yes

Marriage is a lifelong relationship that can be maintained

Yes

Yes

Yes

Opinions on Chart:

          When choosing what to place in the characteristics of gender relationships column, I applied it to an important concept that was in each book.  Although the Gender and Discourse book was difficult to compare, I simply based my answers on the examples given in the book.  The outcome of Dr. Laura’s book and the Doctrine of the Wife were opposing each other showing that each has a unique approach to marriage. 

My own views of the chart are that I don’t necessarily agree with only one of them but parts of all the three books.  I am influence by the way these authors presented their work because it allows me to discover another way of thinking other than my own.  Dr. Laura’s book made me think of the approach as something that I don’t agree with and I wouldn’t want to do.  I feel that being brought up in the modern society allowed me to think outside of traditional ways and allow myself as a woman to be independent.  I feel that women can take on the role of the man in society and that everything that a man can do a woman can also do.  Dr. Laura’s perspective focuses on pitying the male gender which is opposite of the society where women are seen as the weak ones.  The Gender and Discourse book allowed me to see the different mannerisms of a conversation.  By showing proper respect to the other person by listening or speaking up, conversations will be worthwhile.  Understanding the way that we speak to others and the differences in culture and genders will help improve on overall communication in relationships.  The Doctrine of the Wife is an ideal approach to marriage.  It opposes the tradition of society where the male is dominant and places emphasis on the female’s perspectives.  I feel that this is fairly difficult to achieve in modern society where the male is the decision maker and holds the power in businesses and in relationships.  But because tradition has been this way forever, this unity model may work but has hardly been attempted.  We slowly see roles of women and men changing where women become the breadwinners but nothing conjoining as the unity model suggest.  I feel that by conjoining and achieving the unity model, a couple will live in happiness with each other facing all the obstacles of marriage in the world today. 

 

QUESTION 5: Select six student reports on marriage from Generation 20, as listed in the Readings section of the Lecture Notes. You must select any two students from Report 1, any two from Report 2, and any two from Report 3. Summarize each of the six reports. Be sure to put a link to the students' reports. Add a General Conclusion Section in which you discuss your reactions to what they did – (a) their ideas, (b) their method, (c) their explanations. What did they gain from doing their reports? How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?

REPORTS FROM GENERATION 20

Report 1 

 

Suzanne Howard

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/howard/report1.htm

 

Summary:

          Suzanne summarize three reports from previous students.  From these three reports she finds that it is important to understand the threefold self and how it should be applied to ourselves.  She also finds that people assume that women are bad drivers because of the possible few instances that they may have witnessed in the past.  She feels that this view is biased.

          In the class she felt that she learned how the different genders communicate differently.  She learned the concepts of the threefold self and the unity model from Swedenborg.  In the readings, she finds that the Doctrine of the Wife emphasizes that men are born resistant to conjugial love and they must find it from their wives.  Aside from this concept she still feels that men should not always have to agree with their wives.  She also feels that conjugial love relationships should be able to be applied to unmarried couples or same-sex couples. From Swedenborg she learns that the soul is in contact with God and he gives us wisdom.  She also finds that from Tannen, men and women communicate differently in classrooms and each gender is taught to be in touch with their gender roles.  Men are more aggressive participating in class but moderately drive aggressively.

          In conclusion she finds that the unity model may be so exclusive that it will not be accepted in society.  Suzanne also feels that this model may increase gender stereotypes if the concept is not clear.

 

General Conclusion:

a) Ideas - I think that Suzanne's views fall in the views that the majority of the readers fall into.  She understood that there may

    be certain people that are excluded from the Unity model and that it maybe is a little too restrictive to some.  I agree with

    her that many assumptions about certain gender attributes are stereotypical and that many of these things are biased in

    research.

b) Method - Suzanne's method was to apply to real life which I felt brought forth much more truth instead of being idealistic.

    She also took what she learned in class and applied it to the readings examining their similarities and differences.

c) Explanation - Her explanations of the concepts she learned were realistic.  It came from her own personal experiences and

    views which added uniqueness to the report.

 

Ryan Lau

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/lau_r/report1.htm

 

Summary:

          Ryan began his report by examining and summarizing three reports from previous generations.  From these reports he learned that there are instances that are outside of your "comfort zone" that will give you experience and teach not to judge others.  From the Emotional Spin Cycle, he learned that he needs to make changes to his life in all aspects and that focusing on the positive will enhance his life and those around him. Ryan also learned that relationships can be strengthened by being in touch on the emotional level even when the other is not physically present.

          From the course readings, Dr. James presents that a couple can have an unbreakable romantic partnership if they are in the unity model.  Ryan learns the Threefold Self Model that he concludes each of the three should be present in the relationship for it to work.  Headsten defines true marriage as the unification of a man and woman in mind, body, and soul.  Ryan feels that this view is religious and idealistic. When speaking of conjugial love, he said that in unity one must not dominate over the other.  I think that he was confused that the unity model encompasses synchronization among the couple letting not one have power over the other. He felt that in marriage, an essential element is intimate and deep conversation.  In relationships, he felt that criticism for oneself may improve a person and make them better.  He also emphasizes that one cannot experience being conjoined if they are not married.  This is opposite from Suzanne's report because she feels that it should not be restricted to only marriage. He also stresses that there are unique personalities in everyone and that attributes like aggression cannot be attached to only one gender. 

 

General Conclusion:

a) Ideas - I felt that his ideas were very similar to the ideas of Suzanne’s report where there is probably agreement for all.  I felt  

    that he somewhat supported the idealistic Unity Model of Dr. James but felt it was difficult to achieve possibly because this is

    coming from a male's perspective.  I liked the fact that he felt the individual should be worked on before working on the

    relationship as a whole.

b) Method - Ryan applied it to his own personal experiences and has his own ideas to compare it to.  It seemed like he was more

    traditional on his ideas when dealing with marriage and used his own beliefs to analyze the concepts.  I felt that his methods

    were great to analyze yourself.

c) Explanation - His explanations came from the examples in the readings.  I felt he went back and forth on some of his ideas but

    overall explained his theories clearly.

 

Report 2

 

Shortcake

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/shortcake/report2.htm

 

Summary:

          Shortcake’s report states her relationship with her spouse and how she applied the three areas of the conjoint self to her own married life.  She did this by collecting data by observing her and her current spouse’s behaviors.  She briefly gave a background of herself and how her first marriage didn’t work out due to the ex-husband’s drinking problem.  She felt divorce was best because she didn’t want to surround her children with such influences.  She is now remarried and wants to make it work because he is a great husband.

          She started the report with self-witnessing and the threefold self.  She also states that it takes both the man and the woman to make the effort to reach the unity model which is the up most achievement that should happen in marriage.  The way she designed her experiment was that she let him know of her project and what it entails.  Then she observed behaviors in each of the threefold self: sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective.  In these three levels she observed different everyday instances or used past experiences to describe when it was used. 

          In her analysis she found that her relationship was heading towards a positive direction.  By their actions toward each other, they seem to be trying to function as one.  With her analysis, she could see the areas that may need a little more improvement and those areas that are functioning just fine.  She also attributes some of these successes to his parents.  His parents stood as an example for reaching the unity model because they have been married for so long.  She concluded emphasizing that she feels they are heading for unity and that there are still many obstacles for them to overcome. She also pointed out that using subjective observation was useful for her data collection.

 

General Conclusion:

a)     Ideas – I felt that her ideas were clearly expressed by her personal experience.  She was able to categorize certain behaviors that she and her husband had with the threefold self.  I felt that she clearly presented her report in an interesting manner because of her experiences.  She also came into realization that she is trying to move into the direction of the unity model.

b)     Method – I felt that her method was extremely clever in that she applied to her everyday married life.  I think that it helped her to analyze their relationship more and to see things that were not seen before.  By seeing these things, she could improve on her own life.  It also gave me a great clear example of the threefold self.

c)     Explanation – Her explanation of the threefold self in the beginning of the report introduced the concepts clearly.  It helped us to understand when she categorized their behaviors.  Her explanations directly represented the concepts and were in an understandable form.

 

Brigitlynn Duclos

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/duclos/report2.htm

 

Summary:

          Brigitlynn’s report was about how each gender interacts in different domains with the threefold self.  She introduces her report by explaining how we can self witness and how it is a form of self-awareness.  She explained that this awareness helps us to control our own emotions in different situations and how it affects others around us.  The threefold self (affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor) functions in the emotional spin cycle which make up feeling, thinking, and doing.

          Her experiment was focused on her best friend’s relationship with her boyfriend.  She gave the both of them surveys and then used those answers to categorize against the threefold self and emotional spin cycle.  She also used observation when she was with them.  The data that she collected were situations and everyday occurrences among the couple.  The couple filled out the five questions in the survey for each of the three areas.

          In her analysis she had a little confusion on which model they fall under but she figured it out and they fell in the equity model.  She noticed that her interactions involved camaraderie and also found that they usually came to a compromise if they had a disagreement.  These gave evidence that they fell into the equity model. 

          In conclusion she found that it helped her to get an idea of the different components of a gender relationship.  She felt that her observations and results will help her in her own relationships in the future.

 

General Conclusion:

a)     Ideas – I felt that her ideas about the relationship that she was observing gave her a sense of what it was like to be in a relationship. She also seemed to apply the threefold self and the emotional spin cycle easily probably because she was from the outside looking in.  Her ideas were presented clearly and I really enjoyed how she collected her data.

b)     Method – I thought her method was ideal because she had an unbiased view on a relationship.  She was able to apply the concepts easier because of this perspective.  Not only was using the survey really clever but it also provided the results in writing where everything was documented.

c)     Explanation – She explained the data collection very well. Her explanation of what model this couple fell in seemed to have evidence and proof that supported her findings.  Her explanations of the three models made it easier for me to understand where she was at in the examples. 

 

Report 3

 

Makana Liwai

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/liwai/report3.htm

 

Summary:

          Makana’s report was mainly going to focus on the unity model and it was to be applied to her own life.  In the introduction, she explains what Dr. James’ unity model is and the threefold self that is involved in this model. 

In the next part of the report she finds three concepts from three of the oral presentations presented in her class.  One was from “The Surrendered Wife vs. the Surrendered Husband” and the other two were from Deborah Tannen’s “Gender and Discourse.”  In the first presentation she learned that the husband must be enlightened by his wife.  The husbands must be able to see through the wife’s perspective and learn how to interact in the world like their wives.  In Tannen’s book she learned and commented on the gender differences and how each gender carries on in life in their own ways.  She found these differences in male and female professors and in the content of what males and females talk about.  She also found that boys from a very young age to men are less specific and do not display their emotions for others to see.   She found that girls are the complete opposite of males because we are much more emotional and intimate in relationships with friends.  Women also leave themselves vulnerable because they usually tell everything.

The next part of the report is about Anti-Unity Values and she applied to the soap opera One Life to Live. She did her data collection by using the list of AUVs that Dr. James provided and sitting down and watching the show with a pen and paper and jotting down the concepts that were related to those on the list.  She also gathered data from another show called “Yes Dear” and proceeded by collecting data the same way.  Her results obviously showed many AUVs from both of the television shows.  She measured the degree of this by creating an AUV scale that provided choices from 1 to 10 on intensity.

 

General Conclusion:

a)     Ideas – I felt that her ideas were similar to my own ideas.  She felt that it was difficult to carry out the Unity model in our own lives but if we did do so it would improve many relationships.  Also her analysis of the oral presentations of Tannen’s Gender and Discourse showed many differences between men and women in all aspects of society today.  When she was doing her data collection with the AUV’s, I felt that her ideas on the different shows were similar and she found that television portrays the complete opposite of the Unity model.     

b)     Method – Her method of analyzing the three oral presentations helped her in learning the concepts when she needed to apply concepts later with the AUVs.  When she collected data on the AUVs, I feel this method helped her to find a direct way to explore how media influences our ideas.  This method showed a complete comparison between reality and fiction.

c)     Explanation – Her explanation on the way that two genders communicate themselves to the others around them was very clear and understandable.  This explanation also showed her the exaggeration behind some of the communication used on television when she was doing her AUVs.  It also showed how the Unity model should be promoted through society and even through the media so that everyone would understand it is beneficial to everyone.

 

Jennifer Combs

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/combs/report3.htm

 

Summary:

          In the beginning of her report she states that in the duration of the experiment, she learned a whole lot about her own relationship.  In learning the Unity model, she also feels that it takes more work on achieving the Unity model because it is not only done by having a husband that agrees with everything his wife says.  She also states this is difficult to achieve because men and women are overtly different in many aspects.  From the three oral presentations that she chose to analyze she wrote statements that she agrees with and doesn’t agree with.  From these presentations, she agreed that females express themselves greatly through thought that differs from men because men do not like to have deep conversations.  She also says women empathize with other another and when reaching the Unity model with a husband, they will do the same. She also agrees that neither man nor woman dominates in the unity model and feels that everything in a relationship should have an equal effort. 

          In the next section she states the different aspects of the Anti-Unity Value ratings.  She applied Dr. James’s list to when she was watching One Life to Live and Everybody Loves Raymond.  She was able to find a lot of things on the list in each of the television shows.  Some of the things she found included manipulation through deception and agreeing that it is okay to agree and disagree about things.  From doing this experiment she concluded that it helped her identify social and cultural attitudes from the media and society regarding gender relationships.  She also feels that the media portrays Gender Unity negatively. 

           

General Conclusion:

a)     Ideas – Jennifer’s ideas had many truths to it.  When she wrote some of the things that she didn’t agree with in the oral presentations, it was very valid and I could see her perspective of it.  She also felt that the Unity model would be the ultimate achievement in any marriage and she is working towards this goal.  In her AUV analysis, her idea on how we are raised also influence how we react to the media is true.  I agree with many of her ideas.

b)     Method – Her method on analyzing the three orals worked well because she applied to her own relationship.  Also when she used the AUVs, she sat down with the AUV list given by Dr. James and was able to easily distinguish which are used in the television show.  This method helped her to see the differences with reality and television because she could use comparison.

c)     Explanation – Her explanation on how the Unity model is not an easy model to achieve is very similar to my own opinion.  Her  

perspective focuses on how the Unity model should be an equal effort on the married couple. She also found out how the media portrays marriage falsely and completely opposite the unfamiliar Unity model.

 

QUESTION 6: Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model, along with Yes/No specifications for the three models. First explain what this table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give a couple of examples to illustrate concretely). Include brief explanations for what the three models are. Second, create a similar table of 20 new items that you make up yourself, and fill in the Yes/No columns. Calculate the percent overlap. Third, Discuss what your results show and how such an approach could be expanded to help couples be more aware of their interaction pattern.

a)     Explantion of Table 6

 

Table 6 of the Lecture Notes shows a compare and contrast among the Dominance, Equity, and Unity models.  When reading the table, you can see the transitions and growth among relationships according to the models.  For example, the Behavioral Indicator that says “Partners allow each other privacy or separate activities that the other is not involved in.” clearly shows a transition from Dominance to Equity and then to Unity.  In the Dominance and Equity model, the partners do activities by themselves and exclude each other.  The couple does not include each other in certain aspects of their lives keeping the other in the unknown.  An example used in class is boys and girls nights out.  This is a time where both of the partners has their own activity with their own friends.  Sometimes this is where both of the partners may not share certain details of the outing that may offend their partner or make them mad.  This is where secrets are kept and distance is made making it even more restricted to the partner.  As a couple moves into the Unity model, the couple is a whole.  They do almost everything together and are happy in doing so.  Being inclusive with each other causes a couple to be in harmony and with no conflicts.  When this stage is reached, the Unity model has been reached.  Another example is the Behavioral Indicator of “When partners disagree they negotiate to reach a consensus.”  The answers to this for each of the models were variable which made it interesting.  In the Dominance model, the partners do not see eye to eye and hold onto their own views but usually will end with the husband’s view being the only one accepted. The husband will always have the right answer that makes any reasoning to a compromise impossible. This causes conflicts and arguments that may not be completely resolved because the husband has dominance over his wife.  In the Equity model, compromising is usually the solution that is reached.  But before this compromise or common ground is met, there is usually a process of conflict that happens.  Reasoning in arguments by trying to find out who is more right then the other person usually happens when finding the compromise.   The problem with this is model is that each person of the couple still holds their own views and in doing so, keeps distance between each other.  In the Unity model, the couple already has achieved a level that they think as one.  Because of their closeness and intimacy that is shared in all aspects of their life, disagreements are almost rare.  When a couple is in sync witch each other, their views are so similar that there is usually very little or no conflict. 

          In the Dominance model, the husband is in the controlling role just as exemplified in American society.  In this model the wife is unable to make decisions for the relationship and the husband holds the most control in the main aspects of their relationship.

          In the Equity model, the couple must constantly figure out how to compromise in disagreements and decisions.  Although there is equal power in their relationship, each partner in the couple still holds onto their own views and ideas keeping a distance between them.

          In the Unity model, the couple has worked extremely hard to achieve this model.  The husbands put down all of the societal pressures to be macho and in control in the relationship.  They find their inner peace and wisdom in their wives.

b) My Table 6

Behavioral Indicators of
One's Relationship Model

1
Dominance Model

2
Equity Model

3
Unity Model

When partners are apart, they are always enthusiastic to see each other again

No

No

Yes

There is only one partner that makes the majority of the decisions

Yes

No

No

Partners show unconditional love and attentiveness when the other is in time of need

No

No

Yes

Partners are supportive and enthused of the skills of the other

No

No

Yes

Partners believe that Marriage Retreats are beneficial to their relationship

No

No

Yes

In friendships, a couple has no other ‘best’ friend

No

No

Yes

Partners do activities that they enjoy and are extremely happy to have the other with them while doing so

No

No

Yes

The woman’s view has an impact on decisions in their relationship

No

Yes

Yes

Compromise is an important aspect of the relationship

No

Yes

No

Partners will always find ways to pleasure the other sexually and upkeep a healthy sex life

No

No

Yes

Partners do not get hostile when the other disagrees with the others’ view

No

Yes