Report 2:
My
Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage
By Cheryl
Sabey
INTRODUCTION
This report is for my Psychology 409b class
with Dr. Leon James. In this class we
discussed four different books including The
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Gender and Discourse, Doctrine of the
Wife, and Conjugial Love. We analyzed each of these books and apply it to
Dr. James Unity Model of Marriage. In
this report, I applied many of the concepts of the Threefold Self and the Three
Levels of Unity I learned in class to the answers to the questions.
QUESTION 2 : Contrast
the three views of gender relationships expressed by Deborah Tannen in Gender
& Discourse, Laura Schlessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands, and Leon James in The Doctrine of the Wife. Give a summary
of your analysis by creating a chart or table that shows the differences
between them in a systematic way. Give your opinion on the elements or entries
in your chart. How do your own views compare to what’s in the chart? How are
your ideas influenced by these three different perspectives on marriage?
Proper Care &
Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Dr. Laura’s
perspective would either be agreed with or disagreed with by many of the women
our society today. Her unique way of
approaching this subject is that it almost seems like she IS a husband and she
supports all of the husbands around the world.
She presents an alternate view on how men are viewed and should be
treated in the society. She overall feels
that men do not receive enough respect from their wives and that wives take it
for granted that husbands do love them and do want them to be happy. Her main focuses in the book include ways
that women must submit themselves to their husbands emotionally, physically, or
mentally. Wives must build on their
husbands ego which will supposedly make them stronger and have a better
marriage. It seems that many things
women do in their everyday life supposedly makes the life of their husbands
“hell.” It even seems she makes excuses for men to cheat because of the “hell”
that they are put through by their wives.
She feels husbands should be seen a fragile creatures that should be
treated with great value. The overall theme that runs throughout this book is
that men are simple creatures that need to be tended to once in a while.
The main model in
this book is society’s traditional model of a marriage which is the dominance
model. The dominance model is seen in
American cultures as well as other cultures around the world where the men are
the overall decision-makers and the head of the family. As time passes, it may be hard for many
women, including myself, to accept Dr. Laura’s view on how a marriage should
work. Women are becoming more
independent financially and socially keeping majority of modern marriage in the
equity model. Dr. Laura’s work confirms
society’s traditional characteristics of the dominant male.
Gender &
Discourse by Deborah Tannen
Tannen
wrote this book on the gender differences in conversation styles. This book emphasizes how men and women
approach conversations and arguments.
Women are found to have more inferior positions in conversations versus
men who dominate conversations by interruption or aggressiveness. Women are more indirect and find topics to
talk about easier. Women look more
directly at the person and they speak at closer distances. She also found that culture and society
influence a person’s way of speaking.
Tannen emphasizes the differences between male and female as an
individual. She shows that men and women
have a difficult time understanding each other because gender interferes in
their communication. By recognizing the
differences in communication men and women have, we are able to improve our
conversations among each other.
This
book seems to highlight different parts of the three models. The dominance model is shown by the examples
and situations where men dominate conversations. This shows that men have a more aggressive
style making them have more power in relationship. In the equity model, Tannen shows that men
and women find compromise in arguments.
In doing so they still hold their own perspectives but find a common
ground that will satisfy them both.
Tannen doesn’t really show any examples that may be in the unity model
but it seems that by achieving a good level of communication in a relationship,
may allow deep connection between two people allowing them to slowly pass into
this model.
The Doctrine of
the Wife by Dr. Leon James
Dr.
James emphasizes in his book that women have a natural ability to achieve
conjugial love and they have spiritual insight of reality. Because of this insight, men must learn this
depth through the women in their relationships.
The conjoint self is the spiritual mind frame that their partner is born
through the Lord which consists of opening or activation of spiritual mind not
present before. In conjugial love, couples spend all of their time together and
are secure just with each other. Men
have love covered over truth and women have truth covered over love. Although this book emphasizes that the men
must reform and regenerate for and with their wives, they should keep some of
their own “self” which means they should keep a piece that is contributed to
the relationship. We also need to be
conscious of our evil tendencies so that we can improve for the relationship.
This
book emphasizes the unity model which is the highest level that a marriage can
achieve. In this model, the husband must
surrender his ways and his faults and live through the eyes of his wife. He must surrender himself to his wife where
she will show him the way to achieve conjugial love. When this model is met, the couples are
inseparable and rely on the good of each other to carry on a happy
marriage. In this model, one person is
not dominating the marriage but it is placed on both to sustain peace and
satisfaction in the relationship.
|
Characteristics/Situations
in Gender Relationships |
Proper
Care and Feeding of Husbands |
Gender
and Discourse |
Doctrine
of the Wife |
|
Married couples usually place emphasis on
one partner |
Yes |
No |
Yes |
|
Women communicate on a deeper level in
marriage |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Power and solidarity govern a couples
interaction |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
A man needs to feel strong as a protector
for his woman |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Couples should spend all their time
together |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Couples should have some distance to
inspire separateness and privacy |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Placing family (children) as top priority |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Men will do anything for the women they
love |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
We need to be aware of our faults so we
can reform |
Yes |
No |
Yes |
|
When communicating, there is a difference
between criticizing and reminding |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Couples should give gratitude to their
partners |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
When there is a problem there should be a
solution and resolution |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Each of the partners hold their own
opinions |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Marriage will be complete with the belief
that you will be with your partner in Heaven |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Sexual satisfaction is important in
communicating feelings |
Yes |
No |
Yes |
|
Couples strive to feel connected and
accepted by partner |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Talking respectfully in a marriage will
create a good relationship |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners are not easily offended by
language or gestures |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
One partner becomes overtly submissive to
the other |
Yes |
No |
Yes |
|
Marriage is a lifelong relationship that
can be maintained |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
Opinions on
Chart:
When
choosing what to place in the characteristics of gender relationships column, I
applied it to an important concept that was in each book. Although the Gender and Discourse book was
difficult to compare, I simply based my answers on the examples given in the
book. The outcome of Dr. Laura’s book
and the Doctrine of the Wife were opposing each other showing that each has a
unique approach to marriage.
My own views of
the chart are that I don’t necessarily agree with only one of them but parts of
all the three books. I am influence by
the way these authors presented their work because it allows me to discover
another way of thinking other than my own.
Dr. Laura’s book made me think of the approach as something that I don’t
agree with and I wouldn’t want to do. I
feel that being brought up in the modern society allowed me to think outside of
traditional ways and allow myself as a woman to be independent. I feel that women can take on the role of the
man in society and that everything that a man can do a woman can also do. Dr. Laura’s perspective focuses on pitying
the male gender which is opposite of the society where women are seen as the
weak ones. The Gender and Discourse book
allowed me to see the different mannerisms of a conversation. By showing proper respect to the other person
by listening or speaking up, conversations will be worthwhile. Understanding the way that we speak to others
and the differences in culture and genders will help improve on overall
communication in relationships. The
Doctrine of the Wife is an ideal approach to marriage. It opposes the tradition of society where the
male is dominant and places emphasis on the female’s perspectives. I feel that this is fairly difficult to
achieve in modern society where the male is the decision maker and holds the
power in businesses and in relationships.
But because tradition has been this way forever, this unity model may
work but has hardly been attempted. We
slowly see roles of women and men changing where women become the breadwinners
but nothing conjoining as the unity model suggest. I feel that by conjoining and achieving the
unity model, a couple will live in happiness with each other facing all the
obstacles of marriage in the world today.
QUESTION 5:
Select six student reports on marriage from Generation 20, as listed in the
REPORTS FROM GENERATION 20
Report 1
Suzanne Howard
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/howard/report1.htm
Summary:
Suzanne summarize three reports from
previous students. From these three reports
she finds that it is important to understand the threefold self and how it
should be applied to ourselves. She also
finds that people assume that women are bad drivers because of the possible few
instances that they may have witnessed in the past. She feels that this view is biased.
In the class she felt that she learned
how the different genders communicate differently. She learned the concepts of the threefold
self and the unity model from Swedenborg.
In the readings, she finds that the Doctrine of the Wife emphasizes that
men are born resistant to conjugial love and they must find it from their
wives. Aside from this concept she still
feels that men should not always have to agree with their wives. She also feels that conjugial love relationships
should be able to be applied to unmarried couples or same-sex couples. From
Swedenborg she learns that the soul is in contact with God and he gives us
wisdom. She also finds that from Tannen,
men and women communicate differently in classrooms and each gender is taught
to be in touch with their gender roles.
Men are more aggressive participating in class but moderately drive
aggressively.
In conclusion she finds that the unity
model may be so exclusive that it will not be accepted in society. Suzanne also feels that this model may
increase gender stereotypes if the concept is not clear.
General
Conclusion:
a)
Ideas - I think that Suzanne's views fall in the views that the majority
of the readers fall into. She understood
that there may
be certain people that are excluded from
the Unity model and that it maybe is a little too restrictive to some. I agree with
her that many assumptions about certain
gender attributes are stereotypical and that many of these things are biased in
research.
b)
Method - Suzanne's method was to apply to real life which I felt brought
forth much more truth instead of being idealistic.
She also took what she learned in class and
applied it to the readings examining their similarities and differences.
c)
Explanation - Her explanations of the concepts she learned were
realistic. It came from her own personal
experiences and
views which added uniqueness to the report.
Ryan Lau
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/lau_r/report1.htm
Summary:
Ryan began his report by examining and
summarizing three reports from previous generations. From these reports he learned that there are
instances that are outside of your "comfort zone" that will give you
experience and teach not to judge others.
From the Emotional Spin Cycle, he learned that he needs to make changes
to his life in all aspects and that focusing on the positive will enhance his
life and those around him. Ryan also learned that relationships can be
strengthened by being in touch on the emotional level even when the other is
not physically present.
From the course readings, Dr. James
presents that a couple can have an unbreakable romantic partnership if they are
in the unity model. Ryan learns the
Threefold Self Model that he concludes each of the three should be present in
the relationship for it to work.
Headsten defines true marriage as the unification of a man and woman in
mind, body, and soul. Ryan feels that
this view is religious and idealistic. When speaking of conjugial love, he said
that in unity one must not dominate over the other. I think that he was confused that the unity
model encompasses synchronization among the couple letting not one have power over
the other. He felt that in marriage, an essential element is intimate and deep
conversation. In relationships, he felt
that criticism for oneself may improve a person and make them better. He also emphasizes that one cannot experience
being conjoined if they are not married.
This is opposite from Suzanne's report because she feels that it should
not be restricted to only marriage. He also stresses that there are unique
personalities in everyone and that attributes like aggression cannot be
attached to only one gender.
General
Conclusion:
a)
Ideas - I felt that his ideas were very similar to the ideas of
Suzanne’s report where there is probably agreement for all. I felt
that he somewhat supported the idealistic
Unity Model of Dr. James but felt it was difficult to achieve possibly because
this is
coming from a male's perspective. I liked the fact that he felt the individual
should be worked on before working on the
relationship as a whole.
b)
Method - Ryan applied it to his own personal experiences and has his own
ideas to compare it to. It seemed like
he was more
traditional on his ideas when dealing with
marriage and used his own beliefs to analyze the concepts. I felt that his methods
were great to analyze yourself.
c)
Explanation - His explanations came from the examples in the
readings. I felt he went back and forth
on some of his ideas but
overall explained his theories clearly.
Report 2
Shortcake
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/shortcake/report2.htm
Summary:
Shortcake’s report states her
relationship with her spouse and how she applied the three areas of the
conjoint self to her own married life.
She did this by collecting data by observing her and her current
spouse’s behaviors. She briefly gave a
background of herself and how her first marriage didn’t work out due to the
ex-husband’s drinking problem. She felt
divorce was best because she didn’t want to surround her children with such
influences. She is now remarried and
wants to make it work because he is a great husband.
She started the report with
self-witnessing and the threefold self.
She also states that it takes both the man and the woman to make the
effort to reach the unity model which is the up most achievement that should
happen in marriage. The way she designed
her experiment was that she let him know of her project and what it entails. Then she observed behaviors in each of the
threefold self: sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective. In these three levels she observed different
everyday instances or used past experiences to describe when it was used.
In her analysis she found that her
relationship was heading towards a positive direction. By their actions toward each other, they seem
to be trying to function as one. With
her analysis, she could see the areas that may need a little more improvement
and those areas that are functioning just fine.
She also attributes some of these successes to his parents. His parents stood as an example for reaching
the unity model because they have been married for so long. She concluded emphasizing that she feels they
are heading for unity and that there are still many obstacles for them to
overcome. She also pointed out that using subjective observation was useful for
her data collection.
General
Conclusion:
a) Ideas – I felt that her ideas were clearly expressed by her personal
experience. She was able to categorize
certain behaviors that she and her husband had with the threefold self. I felt that she clearly presented her report
in an interesting manner because of her experiences. She also came into realization that she is
trying to move into the direction of the unity model.
b) Method – I felt that her method was extremely clever in that she
applied to her everyday married life. I
think that it helped her to analyze their relationship more and to see things
that were not seen before. By seeing
these things, she could improve on her own life. It also gave me a great clear example of the
threefold self.
c) Explanation – Her explanation of the threefold self in
the beginning of the report introduced the concepts clearly. It helped us to understand when she
categorized their behaviors. Her
explanations directly represented the concepts and were in an understandable
form.
Brigitlynn Duclos
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/duclos/report2.htm
Summary:
Brigitlynn’s report was about how each
gender interacts in different domains with the threefold self. She introduces her report by explaining how
we can self witness and how it is a form of self-awareness. She explained that this awareness helps us to
control our own emotions in different situations and how it affects others
around us. The threefold self
(affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor) functions in the emotional spin cycle
which make up feeling, thinking, and doing.
Her experiment was focused on her best
friend’s relationship with her boyfriend.
She gave the both of them surveys and then used those answers to
categorize against the threefold self and emotional spin cycle. She also used observation when she was with them. The data that she collected were situations
and everyday occurrences among the couple.
The couple filled out the five questions in the survey for each of the
three areas.
In her analysis she had a little
confusion on which model they fall under but she figured it out and they fell
in the equity model. She noticed that
her interactions involved camaraderie and also found that they usually came to
a compromise if they had a disagreement.
These gave evidence that they fell into the equity model.
In conclusion she found that it helped
her to get an idea of the different components of a gender relationship. She felt that her observations and results
will help her in her own relationships in the future.
General
Conclusion:
a) Ideas – I felt that her ideas about the relationship that she was
observing gave her a sense of what it was like to be in a relationship. She
also seemed to apply the threefold self and the emotional spin cycle easily
probably because she was from the outside looking in. Her ideas were presented clearly and I really
enjoyed how she collected her data.
b) Method – I thought her method was ideal because she had an unbiased
view on a relationship. She was able to
apply the concepts easier because of this perspective. Not only was using the survey really clever
but it also provided the results in writing where everything was documented.
c) Explanation – She explained the data collection very
well. Her explanation of what model this couple fell in seemed to have evidence
and proof that supported her findings.
Her explanations of the three models made it easier for me to understand
where she was at in the examples.
Report 3
Makana Liwai
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/liwai/report3.htm
Summary:
Makana’s report was mainly going to
focus on the unity model and it was to be applied to her own life. In the introduction, she explains what Dr.
James’ unity model is and the threefold self that is involved in this
model.
In
the next part of the report she finds three concepts from three of the oral
presentations presented in her class.
One was from “The Surrendered Wife vs. the Surrendered Husband” and the
other two were from Deborah Tannen’s “Gender and Discourse.” In the first presentation she learned that
the husband must be enlightened by his wife.
The husbands must be able to see through the wife’s perspective and
learn how to interact in the world like their wives. In Tannen’s book she learned and commented on
the gender differences and how each gender carries on in life in their own
ways. She found these differences in
male and female professors and in the content of what males and females talk
about. She also found that boys from a
very young age to men are less specific and do not display their emotions for
others to see. She found that girls are
the complete opposite of males because we are much more emotional and intimate
in relationships with friends. Women
also leave themselves vulnerable because they usually tell everything.
The
next part of the report is about Anti-Unity Values and she applied to the soap
opera One Life to Live. She did her
data collection by using the list of AUVs that Dr. James provided and sitting
down and watching the show with a pen and paper and jotting down the concepts
that were related to those on the list.
She also gathered data from another show called “Yes Dear” and proceeded
by collecting data the same way. Her
results obviously showed many AUVs from both of the television shows. She measured the degree of this by creating
an AUV scale that provided choices from 1 to 10 on intensity.
General
Conclusion:
a) Ideas – I felt that her ideas were similar to my own ideas. She felt that it was difficult to carry out the Unity model in our own lives but if we did do so it would improve many relationships. Also her analysis of the oral presentations of Tannen’s Gender and Discourse showed many differences between men and women in all aspects of society today. When she was doing her data collection with the AUV’s, I felt that her ideas on the different shows were similar and she found that television portrays the complete opposite of the Unity model.
b) Method – Her method of analyzing the three oral presentations helped her in learning the concepts when she needed to apply concepts later with the AUVs. When she collected data on the AUVs, I feel this method helped her to find a direct way to explore how media influences our ideas. This method showed a complete comparison between reality and fiction.
c) Explanation – Her explanation on the way that two genders communicate themselves to the others around them was very clear and understandable. This explanation also showed her the exaggeration behind some of the communication used on television when she was doing her AUVs. It also showed how the Unity model should be promoted through society and even through the media so that everyone would understand it is beneficial to everyone.
Jennifer Combs
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/combs/report3.htm
Summary:
In the beginning of her report she
states that in the duration of the experiment, she learned a whole lot about her
own relationship. In learning the Unity
model, she also feels that it takes more work on achieving the Unity model
because it is not only done by having a husband that agrees with everything his
wife says. She also states this is
difficult to achieve because men and women are overtly different in many
aspects. From the three oral
presentations that she chose to analyze she wrote statements that she agrees
with and doesn’t agree with. From these
presentations, she agreed that females express themselves greatly through
thought that differs from men because men do not like to have deep
conversations. She also says women
empathize with other another and when reaching the Unity model with a husband,
they will do the same. She also agrees that neither man nor woman dominates in
the unity model and feels that everything in a relationship should have an
equal effort.
In the next section she states the
different aspects of the Anti-Unity Value ratings. She applied Dr. James’s list to when she was
watching One Life to Live and Everybody Loves Raymond. She was able to find a lot of things on the
list in each of the television shows.
Some of the things she found included manipulation through deception and
agreeing that it is okay to agree and disagree about things. From doing this experiment she concluded that
it helped her identify social and cultural attitudes from the media and society
regarding gender relationships. She also
feels that the media portrays Gender Unity negatively.
General Conclusion:
a)
Ideas – Jennifer’s ideas had many truths to
it. When she wrote some of the things
that she didn’t agree with in the oral presentations, it was very valid and I
could see her perspective of it. She also
felt that the Unity model would be the ultimate achievement in any marriage and
she is working towards this goal. In her
AUV analysis, her idea on how we are raised also influence how we react to the
media is true. I agree with many of her
ideas.
b)
Method – Her method on analyzing the three orals
worked well because she applied to her own relationship. Also when she used the AUVs, she sat down
with the AUV list given by Dr. James and was able to easily distinguish which
are used in the television show. This
method helped her to see the differences with reality and television because
she could use comparison.
c)
Explanation – Her explanation on how the Unity model is
not an easy model to achieve is very similar to my own opinion. Her
perspective
focuses on how the Unity model should be an equal effort on the married couple.
She also found out how the media portrays marriage falsely and completely
opposite the unfamiliar Unity model.
QUESTION 6:
Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making
Field Observations. It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's
Relationship Model, along with Yes/No specifications for the three models.
First explain what this table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give
a couple of examples to illustrate concretely). Include brief explanations for
what the three models are. Second, create a similar table of 20 new items that
you make up yourself, and fill in the Yes/No columns. Calculate the percent
overlap. Third, Discuss what your results show and how such an approach could
be expanded to help couples be more aware of their interaction pattern.
a)
Explantion
of Table 6
Table
6 of the Lecture Notes shows a compare and contrast among the Dominance,
Equity, and Unity models. When reading
the table, you can see the transitions and growth among relationships according
to the models. For example, the
Behavioral Indicator that says “Partners allow each other privacy or separate
activities that the other is not involved in.” clearly shows a transition from
Dominance to Equity and then to Unity.
In the Dominance and Equity model, the partners do activities by
themselves and exclude each other. The
couple does not include each other in certain aspects of their lives keeping
the other in the unknown. An example
used in class is boys and girls nights out.
This is a time where both of the partners has their own activity with
their own friends. Sometimes this is
where both of the partners may not share certain details of the outing that may
offend their partner or make them mad.
This is where secrets are kept and distance is made making it even more
restricted to the partner. As a couple
moves into the Unity model, the couple is a whole. They do almost everything together and are
happy in doing so. Being inclusive with
each other causes a couple to be in harmony and with no conflicts. When this stage is reached, the Unity model
has been reached. Another example is the
Behavioral Indicator of “When partners disagree they negotiate to reach a
consensus.” The answers to this for each
of the models were variable which made it interesting. In the Dominance model, the partners do not
see eye to eye and hold onto their own views but usually will end with the
husband’s view being the only one accepted. The husband will always have the
right answer that makes any reasoning to a compromise impossible. This causes
conflicts and arguments that may not be completely resolved because the husband
has dominance over his wife. In the
Equity model, compromising is usually the solution that is reached. But before this compromise or common ground
is met, there is usually a process of conflict that happens. Reasoning in arguments by trying to find out
who is more right then the other person usually happens when finding the
compromise. The problem with this is
model is that each person of the couple still holds their own views and in
doing so, keeps distance between each other.
In the Unity model, the couple already has achieved a level that they
think as one. Because of their closeness
and intimacy that is shared in all aspects of their life, disagreements are
almost rare. When a couple is in sync
witch each other, their views are so similar that there is usually very little
or no conflict.
In the Dominance model, the husband is in the controlling role just as
exemplified in American society. In this
model the wife is unable to make decisions for the relationship and the husband
holds the most control in the main aspects of their relationship.
In the Equity model, the couple must constantly figure out how to
compromise in disagreements and decisions.
Although there is equal power in their relationship, each partner in the
couple still holds onto their own views and ideas keeping a distance between
them.
In the Unity model, the couple has worked extremely hard to achieve this
model. The husbands put down all of the
societal pressures to be macho and in control in the relationship. They find their inner peace and wisdom in
their wives.
b) My
Table 6
|
Behavioral
Indicators of |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
When partners are
apart, they are always enthusiastic to see each other again |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
There is only one
partner that makes the majority of the decisions |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners show
unconditional love and attentiveness when the other is in time of need |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners are
supportive and enthused of the skills of the other |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners believe
that Marriage Retreats are beneficial to their relationship |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
In friendships, a
couple has no other ‘best’ friend |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners do
activities that they enjoy and are extremely happy to have the other with
them while doing so |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The woman’s view
has an impact on decisions in their relationship |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Compromise is an important
aspect of the relationship |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners will
always find ways to pleasure the other sexually and upkeep a healthy sex life |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners do not
get hostile when the other disagrees with the others’ view |
No |
Yes |