Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage
By Leticia Valle
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy21/409b-g21-report2.htm
Question 2:
Contrast the three views of gender relationships expressed by Deborah Tannen in Gender Issues, Laura Schlessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and Leon James in The Doctrine of the Wife. Give a summary of your analysis by creating a chart or table that shows the differences between them in a systematic way. Give your opinion on the elements or entries in your chart. How do your own views compare to what’s in the chart? How are your ideas influenced by these three different perspectives on marriage?
First of all we need to understand
the Threefold Self. The Threefold Self
is made up of three interacting domains of each individual. These levels are the affective self,
cognitive self, and the affective self.
The affective self operates our feelings and motivations; it is made up
of our wills and desires. The cognitive
self operates our thoughts and reasoning, it is our thought processing. The sensorimotor self operates the
sensations, perceptions, and actual physical/motor acts we perform, this
includes overt behavior such as talk, facial expressions, and appearance. These three work together in a cycle
beginning with the affective which are our motivations that drive our thinking
towards goals, and finally the physical acts we perform derived from our will
and thoughts. Our physical actions
cannot occur unless they are first desired, thought out, and finally acted on.
The levels of marriage also need to
be understood in order to understand the views of each author. The three views that we will be comparing
are: the Dominance model of marriage, the Equity model of marriage, and the
Unity model of marriage.
The Dominance Model:
In brief, the Dominance model of
marriage is a relationship driven by culture and society that places the man as
head of the relationship. This model is referred to as dominant because men are
born with natural tendencies to love evil and retain independence from his wife
by dominating all aspects of the relationship. The dominance model allows for
husbands to continue practicing these evil tendencies in their
relationship. The wife obeys her
husband’s decisions and tries to match his views, or suppresses her own, out of
tradition or fear of retaliation. At
this level the woman are not truly happy or satisfied with their marriage.
The Equity Model:
The Equity model of marriage is made
up of a relationship where duties and ideas are negotiated and partners strive
to have equal parts in the decision-making process of the relationship. We could say that partners in this level
strive to provide a 50/50 percent input into their relationship. This
relationship is influenced by society in the fight for equality between the
sexes. Women are much happier at this
level of marriage rather than the Dominance model of marriage but still strive
for more.
The Unity Model:
The Unity model of marriage is a model derived from writings by Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772). This model is very different from both the dominance and equity models.
In the Unity model of marriage the couple leaves behind any cultural and psychological traits and habits that interfere with successful long term marriage relationships.
In the Unity model the partners are a “conjoint self.” They can only be conjoined when the husband and wife have achieved unity at all three levels of the threefold self, that is the sensorimotor self (physical actions), cognitive self (thought processing), and the affective self (motives and will). The couple grows together in reciprocity.
The marriage increases through differentiation and reciprocity of behavior in the threefold self of the two partners, these differences are reciprocal and complement the couple to make both partners a single whole. Here is an example of how differentiation is needed for a perfect whole: In a physical level, we can think of when a couple is dancing, each partner much take reciprocal steps, the same steps cannot be made by both partners, or else the couple would step on each other and/or step away from each other. It is the differentiation that makes the unity out of reciprocity. The unity out of reciprocity is made because of differences in each partner, therefore the perfection of unity increases with the differentiation of each person’s characteristics.
This model provides that the couple understands that each are made different in such a way that man represents wisdom while woman represents love. In this model the husband voluntarily allows for his wife to lead his outward intelligence through her inner wisdom. In this way it is up to the husband to be willing to change his naturally inherited tendencies to be independent and subordinate their own outward intelligence to his wife’s inner wisdom. The Unity model of marriage differs from the dominance and equity models, in that the unity model is a relationship that is eternal, meaning that it continues into the afterlife of heaven, making their union a spiritual union. This is very difficult model to reach but the man will be spiritually enlightened when he understands that the relationship with his wife is one that will last forever into the afterlife.
Reaching the Unity model of marriage takes a lot of hard work because relationships must begin at either the dominant or equity model and go against social norms that come with the idea of marriage. The husband has to reject his inherited tendencies to manipulate and remain separate from his wife. Each partner in this model is required to provide 100 percent-- not 50/50. When the wife and husband reach this spiritual state of unity they will be in eternal conjugial happiness that will continue in heaven.
For more in-depth description of these models of marriage and the threefold self refer to the Psychology 409b Lecture Notes
The levels of the threefold self correspond to the levels of
gender relationships. For a visual
understanding of the correspondence of models of unity with the threefold self
I have included this chart of the Three Models in Gender
Relations:
|
LEVEL OF UNITY |
NAME OF MODEL |
THREEFOLD SELF INVOLVED |
|
3 |
UNITY |
AFFECTIVE |
|
2 |
EQUITY |
COGNITIVE |
|
1 |
DOMINANCE |
SENSORIMOTOR |
Deborah Tannen: Gender and Discourse
Deborah Tannen writes her book, Gender
and Discourse, as an analysis and interprets the actual conversational style
of men and women. In order to determine
the view expressed by Tannen I examined the conversation patters between
genders, provided in her book, at the sensorimotor level of the Threefold self
and inferred the motives of those certain actions in speech.
I will now continue on what I
perceive to be Tannen’s gender relationship view.
Just as society has helped mold
social and gender roles in modern day, Tannen expresses that conversational
style is learned through communicative experience and therefore is influenced
by family and cultural communicative habits.
Conversational style is both an outcome and indicator of ethnic
traditions, and has much to do with the formation of stereotypes.
Conversational style is opposed to
change. I believe this is because
motives (the affective self) first need to be recognized and improved so that
our actions express our true will and motivations.
Tannen uses cultural aspects of
gender relationships for many of her research in gender relationships and the
dominance model of marriage has been a popular view accepted and promoted by
society and culture of human beings. Not
until recently have we seen a fight for equity between the sexes. Because Tannen explains that the
conversational style is a consequence and indicator of our culture it is
reasonable to assume that Tannen would agree that the Dominant model of
marriage is in fact expressed in daily conversations between men and women. I
believe that Tannen’s concern for understanding conversational styles between
the sexes is driven by the need for genders to understand each other by
expressing themselves through speech in equal ways. From this I conclude that Tannen believes
that the best relationship that could exist between a marriage would be the
Equity model.
Laura Schlessinger: The Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands
The title of Dr. Laura’s book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, provides an obvious statement of the contents provided in her book. Her title can easily be interpreted as stating that men come before women and it is the wife’s job to care and provide for her husband.
Dr. Laura’s book, is obvious in expressing that her view that gender relationships work best at dominance model of marriage. The dominance model of marriage is underlined by the husband controlling her wife in all levels of the threefold self; sensorimotor (physically), cognitive (mentally), and affective (motivations and feelings).
In her view wives are obligated to fulfill their husband’s needs without questioning the husband’s motives. She feels that men are simple creatures that are simple to take care of; women simply need to do as they say. She maintains the traditional view on marriage that a husband should only be expected to bring home the paycheck and by doing this the husband is considered to be a “good husband.” While the husband supports the family financially the wife is expected to stay either at home or work, she is expected to make sure the bills are paid on time, take care of the children, and to take good care of her husband in and outside the bedroom without any complaints.
Leon James: The Doctrine of the Wife
Dr. Leon James’ introduces the idea of the Unity Model of
marriage. The Unity model of
marriage is a model derived from writings by Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772). In this model the couple is a “conjoint self”
that works through a lot of hard work in reciprocity. The term “conjoint self” refers to a husband
and wife who have achieved unity at all three levels of the threefold self; the
sensorimotor self (physical), the cognitive self (thinking), and the affective self
(motivation and will). In the unity
model of marriage the couple is joined internally and externally.
The unity model of marriage expects that the husband and wife are
willing to make each other the most important element in their life. It also requires that the husband allows the
wife’s inner wisdom to lead his own outward intelligence. This must be voluntary on his part and occurs
when he becomes spiritually enlightened from a desire to be conjoined to his
wife forever into the afterlife. He
gives up his independence to his wife.
Anything that the husband might do, think, or strive for, he must first
consult with his wife.
The husband must learn about his wife’s about his wife’s feelings and
emotions. Once he has internalized them,
he can consult them whenever he acts, thinks, decides, or wants something. In this way he is only a half person by
himself. Only together, is a wife and
husband a complete person.
The reason why the husband gives up his independence to his wife is
because women naturally strive to achieve mutual and reciprocal dependence with
their husbands while men naturally strive to keep distance between the couple
in order to retain his independence.
Because of this the man must try to understand that the wife’s motives
are for the couple to become one person and live in eternal bliss. Women have good intentions in regards to
becoming close to their partner.
The unity model of marriage is very difficult to achieve and requires
many years of work between the couple in trying to understand each other and
place their partner above all else. The
hard work and effort that is put into reaching the unity model of marriage is
well worth it because both partners are completely happy with each other and
they strive to be close all the time.
I have created a chart in which I give examples of ideas or behaviors that indicate one’s relationship, and I included YES/NO specifications for the three views from each author; Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Dominance model, Deborah Tannen: Equity model, and Dr. Leon James: Unity model of marriage.
|
Behavioral Indicators of |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
The
idea that husbands deserve sex in return for financially supporting the
family |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Each
person needs to provide 50/50 percent effort to make the relationship work |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
The
woman makes all final decisions in the relationship |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The
man makes all final decisions in the relationship |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Negotiation between the couple determines
who makes the final decision |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
take turns deciding where to eat out |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Family members and friends are placed before
their partner |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners have girls or guys only night |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
If a wife denies her husband sex, she is
forcing him to cheat on her |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
etc.
(add your own examples here) |
|
|
|
The examples that include women providing pleasure (sex) to their husbands are direct ideas from Dr. Laura’s book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and from some episodes that I have listened to on her radio show. She demands that women should have sex with their husbands and accuses women of being bad wives if they don’t pleasure their husbands constantly but she never stops to consider that sex becomes voluntary when the husband does all he can to understand and love his wife, all the things that makes her happy. She doesn’t stop to examine what contributions the man is making for her reaction to not want to have sex with him. So the examples in the chart above show that the dominance model doesn’t care about the wife’s feelings but simply show that it is a wife’s duty to have sex with her husband whenever he pleases. The elements that display the dominance model of marriage disturb me very much because they are irrational and prevent the happiness of both partners in the relationship.
The elements that portray the equity model make women happier than the dominance model but require that the wife constantly has to justify her thoughts and negotiate decisions with her husband. This is a big step from the dominance model which allows no negotiation but a wife is not truly happy until she reaches unity.
Many times men might think that it is irrational for women to make the final decisions, like the examples that the unity model agrees with in the chart above, but they will never seem rational unless the man makes the effort to understand that women are driven by inner love and only want unity within the couples so that they can, together be one single person.
These three authors are very influential to me but in very distinct ways.
Deborah Tannen helps me understand and be aware of the traditional and cultural differences in how genders communicate and this is very useful in modifying the way we speak and listen in order to communicate more efficiently. It is a good start to try and be aware of these differences so that we can approach different people from different angles.
Dr. Laura helped me realize how horrible and destructive the dominance model can be. This model makes women very unhappy and her explanations and suggestions to married couples are so irrational that it helps me strive for something better.
Dr. James introduced me to the idea of the unity model of marriage and I am very grateful to have had the opportunity to encounter all of these very important concepts. His writings helped me rationally understand why it is that I felt certain ways about men’s behavior. It has helped me set higher goals than simply settling for a relationship in the equity model. Before being exposed to this idea I thought that the equity model was the highest level possible in a relationship but even thought I though it was as good as it gets, I am not truly happy in it, and now I know it is because a perfect unity between a marriage is possible.
Many times I feel that women feel that they have accomplished so much by simply reaching the equity model and they don’t ask for more from their husband when they are comfortable with the opportunity to negotiate ideas in their relationship, but many times these women are still not happy. This is because they haven’t encountered ideas that explain that it is rational for women to strive for more, and it is rational and correct for women to assume that they should make all final decisions in a relationship.
Now that these writings provide the unity model it can become easier for women to express this concern and act on it without feeling like other might think they are simply trying to be possessive of their husbands. This is still my biggest problem; trying to explain these concepts to men without them feeling like I am an extreme feminist. I understand that a woman’s desire in life is to find that loving partner that makes her complete. I believe that this is so important for women because either consciously or subconsciously we know that a united relationship will last forever, into the afterlife.
Question 5:
Select six student reports on marriage from Generation 20,
as listed in the
Report 1: Gender
Unity: Annotated Bibliography, by Brigitlynn Duclos
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/duclos/report1.htm
Summary: Brigitlynn Duclos began her report by summarizing three previous generational reports. From reading those reports Duclos learned that it is important to understand the Emotional Spin Cycle, in order to help us become more aware of our emotions so that we can work on spending more of our day functioning on the positive side.
The main focuses for analyzing our Spin Cycle were emotions, the Threefold Self, and controlling aggression.
Duclos explains that this class focuses on the idea that when a man and a woman achieve all three levels of unity in the Threefold Self then the two partners in the couple have become one. Through this report she learned about many differences about the biological and cognitive differences between men and women. It also helped realize what she can do to control and improve her daily emotions. Overall she believes that learning about the differences between genders and applying the Unity Model to her relationships will help her, and people in general, in future relationships.
General Conclusion:
(a) Duclos’ ideas about understanding the Emotional Spin Cycle are very helpful in understanding that being aware of our emotions can help us improve them so that we can be more positive people.
It was also very useful to learn about specific differences between genders so that we can identify certain behaviors and identify when they need to be regenerated.
I am happy for her that these biological and cognitive differences between men and women are apparent to her and that she has had a good experience learning about the unity model so that she can apply these ideas in future relationships.
(b) Her method consisted of examining and summarizing previous generational reports. I believe this method is very useful in understanding different perspectives of the topic she is studying. I believe it is important to examine different views on one topic so that the reader is not left in the dark about different perspectives that different people provide. From these reports she took in different views and added them to her ideas on the issues presented.
(c) Her explanations of monitoring our emotional spin cycle daily and understanding the differences between men and women are completely rational. These ideas apply to all people disregarding gender and in everyday life.
Report 1: Gender
Unity: Annotated Bibliography, by Ann
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/ann/report1.htm
Summary: Ann also began her report by summarizing previous generational reports. In these reports she learns about the Threefold Self and the four components of behaviors. The Threefold Self refers to the idea that there are three domains in each behavior: sensorimotor, cognitive and affective. The four components of behavior that Ann refers to include: cognitive scripts, behavioral routines, cognitive appraisals, and emotional intelligence.
She feels that the four components are very useful to understand gender relationships because we all use the four components of behavior, regardless of gender.
She also examines the Unity Model of Marriage. She summarizes this model by saying that men should let women take charge of the relationship by letting her make the decisions.
This report made her realize that women and men have to know the tendencies of both sexes in order to reach the Unity Model of Marriage. She completely agrees with the concept that eternal unity must begin at the sensorimotor level and eventually rise to the cognitive and end in the affective level. She will also apply these ideas to her future relationships.
General Conclusion:
(a) Ann’s ideas about the threefold self and the components of behavior are very good in that she understands their importance in applying them to everyone without discrimination to gender. I agree with her in that it is important to recognize that we can use and improve these concepts daily. I also agree with her idea that husbands should let their wife make decisions about the relationship because we both understand that women have more insight on making relationships last forever.
(b) The method for writing her paper consisted of reading three previous generational reports on the same topic that she was writing about. The method of reading other people’s reports also helped her how she felt about the unity model and differences of behaviors in genders.
(c) Her explanations were rational when she states that union between couples begins at the sensorimotor level and grow from there.
Report 2: Applied
Project: Mapping the Threefold Self in Gender Relationships, by Suzanne Howard
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/howard/report2.htm
Summary: In this report Suzanne Howard uses her own personal data to make new conclusions about gender relationships. The three levels of the Threefold self are once again introduces as a baseline to examine her previous relationship. She also discusses the three levels of marriage; dominance, equity and unity levels of marriage.
She self-witnesses the sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective aspects of daily events with her boyfriend and learns that gender relationships are a product of many factors, including socialization, biology, and culture. Biological differences between men and women are obvious but it is important to examine and understand that gender roles for men and women are acquired through social interactions within family, friends, and society.
Howard agrees that these stereotypes do not help couples reach the highest model of marriage, the unity model. What is most scary is the idea that because of social stereotypes concerning gender roles, the unity model may even be unimaginable and couples in modern society feel that the equity model is the highest level of intimacy.
In her conclusion, Howard learned that the three models for gender relations and the model of the threefold self coincide with each other, and it is very important to learn about these so that we can identify them and work on them. She is convinces that, as proposed in the unity model, husbands should always listen to their wives in order to reach the highest level of intimacy between couples.
General Conclusion:
(a) While reading Howard’s paper I understood the importance the Threefold self and the three models of marriage that she expressed. I, as her, also believed that the equity model was probably the highest model a couple could reach. Her ideas were similar to mine, and as we both learned about the unity model our ideas about a perfect relationship changed and grew.
Her previous ideas in believing that the equity model was the highest level between couples are understandable because most of our ideas about relationships and gender roles are shaped by society as the male-dominance model.
I am glad that she got to experience these new ideas so that she can apply them to future relationships and be truly happy in them.
(b) Her method was very reliable. She used empirical data in observing her relationship. She looked back and took specific events from her journal and examined the behavior in the recorded actions. She applied the Threefold pattern of the events in her journal to help identify the level of her previous relationship. This helped her by allowing her to be aware of what her and her partner needed to work on in order to reach the unity level of marriage.
(c) Howard’s explanations make a lot of sense and I am glad that she realized that now after learning about the threefold self and the unity model so that she could apply these new teachings to events from her previous relationship and help her improve future relationships.
Report 2: Applied
Project: Mapping the Threefold Self in Gender Relationships, by Brigitlynn
Duclos
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/duclos/report2.htm
Summary: In this report Brigitlynn Duclos creates an experiment on self-witnessing the threefold self. Self-witnessing is a concept used to analyze our own thoughts about our feelings and emotions. Self-witnessing is best way to study ourselves because we can constantly analyze our actions by asking ourselves why it is we feel a certain way, or why we react the way we do. Self-witnessing is a form of Self-Awareness. Self-awareness is having the ability to perceive our own emotions and understanding how those emotions affect us as well as others.
For her experiment she chose to observe a couple that she spent a lot of time with and knew very well. The couple under observation had been dating for about six months. She gave each of the partners a 12 question survey and then applied their answers to the threefold self as well as observing their interactions in any given situation. The purpose of gathering the data in the three domains of human behavior was to conclude if the evidence supports the unity model of marriage.
This experiment allowed Duclos to experience most of the ideas she had learned in class. From this assignment Duclos she held a better understanding of gender relationships regarding unity, equity, biology, and culture. She became aware that reaching the unity model takes a lot of work within partners. She also gained a better understanding of the meaning of reciprocity. Reciprocity is the idea that no part of a man is the same as that of a woman and that perfection of unity increases with the diversity of each of its composing elements. She learned that when a man and a woman reach the highest level of unity, it is because their parts work together as a whole and they become one.
General Conclusion:
(a) Before Duclos conducted the experiment on her friends she had a good idea of which model the couple would fall under, but after analyzing her observations she realized that each model they practiced depends on the situation. I believe that her ideas about what model the couple was located at shows that even before learning and carefully analyzing interactions with other people we are aware of them but may not understand them because it is not a very popular idea to compare each persons interaction to an actual chart that indicates what level of the threefold self at which we operate.
(b) Her method was extremely appropriate in practicing Self-Witnessing and examining the level of operation that her friends maintain. I believe this was very good practice for her because practicing to observe these behaviors is key to regenerate ones own character and to analyze relationships. It is very helpful to learn about the threefold self, self-witnessing, and self-awareness in class but it is not of much use if these ideas are not applied to everyday situations.
(c) Her explanations were rational and based on substantial data. She applied the threefold self and the three levels of marriage and compared the interactions between the couple to explain the relationship. It is very helpful to examine specific actions of people to recognize and explain the motives behind their actions.
Comments: In the conclusion of this report Duclos explains that she finds the topics of this course very interesting, and that after examining the ideas further she doesn’t feel that they are as out dated as before, when she first began the course. I thought this that she mentioned was very interesting. I understand why she would have thought that these ideas of the threefold self and the level of marriage could be out dated because they come from the Writings by Emanuel Swedenborg, a man who lived in the seventeen hundreds.
What I thought was interesting was that it had never once crossed my mind that these concepts and ideas were out dated, as a matter of fact I always felt, and still feel, that these ideas are too far advanced for men and women to understand or accept. I feel that many people are not ready to encounter these ideas because we have only yet begun to express the equity model in daily relationships and that is still a long, hard fight. So to even think that these ideas about having the woman make all the decisions in marriage seems so far-fetched to me. Don’t get me wrong, I believe these ideas NEED to be exposed to everyone, starting from a very young age, but many times I feel very disappointed in how people behave and I am afraid that they will reject the idea of a unity model before they can even examine the idea.
Report 3: My
Proposal for TV Ratings on Anti-Unity Values (AUV) in Gender Behavior, by
Brigitlynn Duclos
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/duclos/report3.htm
Summary: Most of this report consisted of identifying Anti-Unity Values (AUV) that are commonly portrayed in the media – soaps, comedy, and drama. An AUV is any event, word, or attitude that goes against the unity model in the shows we watch. Examples of AUVs that are often promoted in the media can be found at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy21/409b-g21-lecture-notes.htm#field-observations.
These AUVs are identified by observing actions and understanding them by applying the threefold self; the affective self (motives and will), the cognitive (thought process), and the sensorimotor (physical actions).
For this assignment Duclos chose to examine three very popular sitcoms; Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, and The Simpson’s. She referred to the list of AUVs, provided by Dr. James, in the lecture notes while watching the shows and found that all three programs showed very high frequencies of AUVs according to an AUV rating scale that measure how much or how little a couple is going against the unity model.
Duclos is very detailed in her data collection, which makes a very clear that the dominance model prevails in today’s mainstream media.
This assignment showed Duclos that we do live in a masculine society and that our cultural attitudes display that it is acceptable for men to take on the role of dominance and superiority. This was a good experience for her because she will use it and be more alert and aware if someone ever attempts to treat her as inferior.
General Conclusion:
(a) I am in accordance with Duclos’ ideas about taking what we have learned in this course and using it to better our relationships with people in order to make sure we are not taken advantage of. It is very true that we live in a masculine world, but by being aware of it and helping others see this reality and helping them understand that it is not acceptable we can hopefully one day make a difference.
(b) Her method was a very efficient way of exploring AUVs in media. She observed shows that are very popular for many different crowds; her sample was a large one that made her generalizations more accurate. It is a very simple way to be aware of how commonly men dominate women. I believe everyone should learn about these AUVs so that they can be more aware of how harmful they truly are in order to escape the idea of accepting behaviors because they are so popular. I will also be using this method to identify AUVs portrayed in the media later on in my report.
(c) Duclos mentions that may times we don’t see the big picture in media because we see AUVs everyday in real life and we as a society have accepted them as part of our culture and our way of thinking. I agree with her explanation of accepting roles in society because it is a sort of respect for culture and tradition, but harming other people and dominating over them is not something that should be accepted but changed. I also agree that this change is going to take time and will be very difficult. It is hard to predict how gender unity will be portrayed throughout media in the future because many people find sarcasm very funny, especially when they can relate to it and they believe it to be true.
Comments: I recommend that people read this report. It is very efficient in providing example of anti-unity values in programs that are constantly playing on TV.
Report 3: My
Proposal for TV Ratings on Anti-Unity Values (AUV) in Gender Behavior, by
Makana Liwai
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/liwai/report3.htm
Summary: This report also mostly consisted of identifying Anti-Unity Values (AUV) that are commonly portrayed in the media – soaps, comedy, and drama. An AUV is any gesture, whether verbal or physical that is unfavorable to the progression towards unification. Examples of AUVs that are often promoted in the media can be found at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy21/409b-g21-lecture-notes.htm#field-observations.
These AUVs are identified by observing actions and understanding them by applying the threefold self; the affective self (motives and will), the cognitive (thought process), and the sensorimotor (physical actions).
Makana Liwai chose to identify AUVs between married couples by watching “Yes Dear,” a sitcom that airs on the CBS channel. She kept a list of the AUVs, provided by Dr. James in the lecture notes, next to her while watching the sitcom as a reference while watching the show. Liwai also created an AUV scale in order to rate the intensity of the values portrayed in the program.
Through this assignment, Liwai became more aware of not only the different types of relationships that people can be a part of but also of what they are thinking while they are in them. From the data she gathered it was apparent that AUVs are in fact very commonly portrayed on television.
General Conclusion:
(a) Liwai’s ideas that it can be difficult to point out AUVs in media because we have to filter out the “norms” that we all have been socialized to think that are proper interactions between a husband and his wife. I also believe that she is correct in mentioning that although the unity model seems to be almost impossible to reach, practicing and teaching many of the values instilled in the unity model would be beneficial to society. The dominance model of marriage has been glorified for many years and I believe that a lot of this has to do with the lack of exposure to values from the unity model.
(b) Her method was a very efficient way of exploring AUVs in media. It is a very simple way to be aware of how commonly men dominate women. I believe everyone should learn about these AUVs so that they can be more aware of how harmful they truly are in order to escape the idea of accepting behaviors because they are so popular. I will also be using this method to identify AUVs portrayed in the media later on in my report.
(c) Liwai explains that considering the unity value as another form of having a relationship can be very healthy for our society, I agree with her in her explanation that people have probably been holding on the dominance model of marriage simply because they don’t know any different, plus the dominance model is very beneficial to men so they would certainly like to continue their relationship that way.
The only thing that I am not to sure about with Liwai’s explanation is that she believes that the viewers are influenced by what is on television, I do agree with her partially but I believe that what makes a show successful is that it is realistic so that the viewers can relate therefore I lean more towards the idea that tradition and culture helps mold what we see on TV but the shows on TV simply make it more sarcastic and express it through comedy.
Question 6:
Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the
Section on Making Field Observations.
It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model,
along with Yes/No specifications for the three models. First explain what this
table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give a couple of examples to
illustrate concretely). Include brief explanations for what the three models
are. Second, create a similar table of 20 new items that you make up yourself,
and fill in the Yes/No columns. Calculate the percent overlap. Third, Discuss
what your results show and how such an approach could be expanded to help couples
be more aware of their interaction pattern.
Here is a table
that shows some contrastive elements that differentiates the three phases of
growth in marriage.
This is
Table 6
|
Behavioral Indicators of |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
Partners
tolerate role differences, either culturally defined or by personal
preference |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners
tolerate some disagreements as something normal and inevitable |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners tolerate
status differences between a man and a woman |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners
insist on exclusivity so that neither may carry on close friendships with
others |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners allow
each other privacy or separate activities that the other is not involved in |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
believe themselves to be married in this life and in the afterlife in heaven
to eternity |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Each partner
is tolerant of some of the other's faults and tries to live with them |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The man
always cooperates with the woman's attempts to change him |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
When
partners disagree they negotiate to reach a consensus |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
When
partners disagree the man gives in to the woman's way of thinking |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
can't stand being separated even for a few hours, and get very anxious |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners are
mutually interdependent and complementary in all areas |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
have total confidence in each other, feeling free of any criticism ever |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
never try to punish each other or retaliate for anything |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
While
making seating choices for guests at a wedding, splitting up the married
couples |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
assume responsibility for each other's feelings and emotions |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
try to make each other happy |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners
allow each other to have incompatible opinions about various topics |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
never diminish in enthusiasm and admiration for each other |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The
original passion of love decreases as the years go by |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
etc. (add
your own here) |
|
|
|
This type of
contrastive analysis shows that the dominance model has an 84% overlap in
answers with the equity model but only 16% overlap with the unity model. Similarly
the equity model has only a 16% overlap with the unity model. This shows that
the unity model is most different from the other two. It is also the most
difficult to achieve unless the husband is spiritually enlightened and has the
afterlife in mind regarding their eternal conjunction.
This Table gives
specific examples that express an affective union between the couple when there
are NO contradictions between them. The
unity model is rare and it is expressed from the percent overlap between the
dominance and equity models. The list
gives examples that help eliminate the idea that it is okay to disagree with
your partner or accept that your partner is faulty if the couple wants to reach
the unity model. It also shows that to
reach the unity model of marriage both partners must understand that they are
working for a relationship that will last for eternity, meaning that they will
continue to love each other in the afterlife.
The table shows
this by presenting specific topics that come up in relationships and simply
providing either a yes or no specification that couple in that model thinks or
acts. These topics and ideas are easy to
detect in a relationship and we can add on more as we inspect our relationship
and those we see around us.
In order to
better understand the table I will include a brief explanation of the three
models:
The Dominance Model:
In brief, the Dominance model of
marriage is a relationship driven by culture and society that places the man as
head of the relationship. This model is referred to as dominant because men are
born with natural tendencies to love evil and retain independence from his wife
by dominating all aspects of the relationship. The dominance model allows for
husbands to continue practicing these evil tendencies in their
relationship. The wife obeys her
husband’s decisions and tries to match his views, or suppresses her own, out of
tradition or fear of retaliation. At
this level the woman are not truly happy or satisfied with their marriage.
The Equity Model:
The Equity model of marriage is made
up of a relationship where duties and ideas are negotiated and partners strive
to have equal parts in the decision-making process of the relationship. We could say that partners in this level
strive to provide a 50/50 percent input into their relationship. This
relationship is influenced by society in the fight for equality between the
sexes. Women are much happier at this
level of marriage rather than the Dominance model of marriage but still strive
for more.
The Unity Model:
The Unity model of marriage is a model derived from writings by Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772). This model is very different from both the dominance and equity models.
In the Unity model of marriage the couple leaves behind any cultural and psychological traits and habits that interfere with successful long-term marriage relationships.
In the Unity model the partners are a “conjoint self.” They can only be conjoined when the husband and wife have achieved unity at all three levels of the threefold self, that is the sensorimotor self (physical actions), cognitive self (thought processing), and the affective self (motives and will). The couple grows together in reciprocity.
The marriage increases through differentiation and reciprocity of behavior in the threefold self of the two partners, these differences are reciprocal and complement the couple to make both partners a single whole. Here is an example of how differentiation is needed for a perfect whole: In a physical level, we can think of when a couple is dancing, each partner much take reciprocal steps, the same steps cannot be made by both partners, or else the couple would step on each other and/or step away from each other. It is the differentiation that makes the unity out of reciprocity. The unity out of reciprocity is made because of differences in each partner; therefore the perfection of unity increases with the differentiation of each person’s characteristics.
This model provides that the couple understands that each are made different in such a way that man represents wisdom while woman represents love. In this model the husband voluntarily allows for his wife to lead his outward intelligence through her inner wisdom. In this way it is up to the husband to be willing to change his naturally inherited tendencies to be independent and subordinate their own outward intelligence to his wife’s inner wisdom. The Unity model of marriage differs from the dominance and equity models, in that the unity model is a relationship that is eternal, meaning that it continues into the afterlife of heaven, making their union a spiritual union. This is very difficult model to reach but the man will be spiritually enlightened when he understands that the relationship with his wife is one that will last forever into the afterlife.
Reaching the Unity model of marriage takes a lot of hard work because relationships must begin at either the dominant or equity model and go against social norms that come with the idea of marriage. The husband has to reject his inherited tendencies to manipulate and remain separate from his wife. Each partner in this model is required to provide 100 percent-- not 50/50. When the wife and husband reach this spiritual state of unity they will be in eternal conjugial happiness that will continue in heaven.
For more in-depth description of these models of marriage and the threefold self refer to the Psychology 409b Lecture Notes
My Table:
|
My List of Behavioral Indicators of
One's Relationship Model |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
Partners
always consider each other before acting on a thought |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Purposely
try to make each other jealous with other of the opposite sex |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
While
arguing, partners bring up unresolved occurrences from the past |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
know each others likes and dislikes |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners
always respect each others likes and dislikes |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
believe that they will be together “until death does them part” |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
keep certain things from each other to avoid making each other “feel bad” |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
When they
discussing an issue, they raise their voice in a disrespectful manner |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
become less excited to get to know their partner as years go by |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
allow each other to have different ideas about the afterlife |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
are not concerned about the others level of pleasure during sex |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners
feel maximum pleasure from pleasuring their partner |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The man strives
to understand his wife’s motives |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The woman
accepts that “boys will be boys” |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The man
understands that his wife’s motives toward their relationship are good |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
When a
conflict can’t be negotiated, divorce is always an option |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners
are together as often as possible |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
need time to get away from each other |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
put family members before their partner |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The man
deserves sex for bringing home the paycheck |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
accept each others cultural differences |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners
don’t feel the need to agree on everything |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
have the idea that fighting/arguing is part of being in a relationship |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Each
partner’s reciprocal differences help create a better person/whole |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
etc.
(add your own examples here) |
|
|
|
This chart shows that the dominance model had only an 8% overlap with that of the unity model. The dominance model had a 92% overlap with the equity model. The equity model had a 16% overlap with the unity model. These results are very obvious in showing that the unity model is the most different of the three models, making it the hardest model to reach. The results in percent overlap between the dominance and equity models were extremely high. I was surprised in seeing that both models contain similar relationship behaviors. I believe they have such a high percentage overlap because the equity model is mostly based around negotiation and I believe that negotiation might come after fighting or arguing about a certain topic in the relationship in this way they are very similar to the dominance model. The biggest difference in the dominance and equity model is that after the fighting and arguing the couple in the equity model can reach a point of negotiation under what they feel is “fair” for the couple but there is no negotiation in the dominance model even after fighting and arguing the man still retains his power to make the final decision and get his way.
I believe that going over a chart like this with one’s partner can help the couple understand at what model they operate. This chart provides specific examples of behaviors often portrayed in relationships and makes a clear distinction as to which model they fall under. If couples are not aware of specific behaviors they practice in their relationship then they can’t work on recognizing them as belonging to any one of the three models. A couple together can set goals as to what model they would like to reach and us a chart like this as a guideline as to which characteristics need to be regenerated.
Question
9:
Consider Tables 7a and 7b in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It shows how you can use the ennead chart to identify the level of feeling, thinking, and acting between married partners. It illustrates the application using the concept of “happiness.” Create two similar tables using the concepts “being close” and “not getting along.” To specify the details, think of yourself in a relationship, or some other couple you know, either real or on TV.
This is Table 7a from the Lecture Notes, in the Section on Making Field Observations. I copied and pasted this table for the reader to understand from where it is that I am creating the similar tables on “being close” and “not getting along.”
Here is a way of using the ennead chart of marriage to help
us define and identify specific emotions, moods, thoughts, and acts.
This is Table 7a (based on Table 3 above) (READ TABLE
FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL
THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD
SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
zone
7 |
zone
8 cognitive
|
zone
9 |
|
EQUITY |
zone
4 |
zone
5 |
zone
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
zone
1 |
zone
2 |
zone
3 |
Now using Table 7a I will identify being close
and not getting along in marriage. We will start with being
close, since this is a critical part of marriage. In this table I have
added one specification of being close in each model. What makes a couple become close is specified
in ALL CAPS in each zone.
This is a Table on Being Close (READ TABLE FROM
BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL
THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD
SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
zone
7 |
zone
8 cognitive
|
zone
9 |
|
EQUITY |
zone
4 |
zone
5 |
zone
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
zone
1 |
zone
2 |
zone
3 |
This is a Table on Not Getting Along (READ TABLE FROM
BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL
THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD
SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
zone
7 |
zone
8 cognitive
|
zone
9 |
|
EQUITY |
zone
4 |
zone
5 |
zone
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
zone
1 |
zone
2 |
zone
3 |
Question
12:
Consider Table 9 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It lists two dozen AUVs – anti unity values that are commonly portrayed in the media – soaps, comedy, drama. Select at least two programs for which you can watch several episodes or shows. Briefly describe a few scenes from each show to illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions that are contrary to having a successful marriage. Describe the affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor aspects of these interactions. What are your reactions to these observations? What is your explanation as to why these interactions are portrayed so often? What might be the consequences for couples and society?
Examples of anti-unity values (AUVs) that
are often promoted in the media include:
This is Table 9
1.
Living
together unmarried
2.
Having children
out of wedlock
3.
Making each
other jealous on purpose
4.
Adultery
for various reasons
5.
Promiscuity
and bi-sexuality
6.
Sexy
dressing for men other than one's partner
7.
Having a
same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for
certain things
8.
Having a
heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition
for certain things
9.
Same sex
friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners
10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation
against one's partner (or other reason)
11. Separate interests and activities
accepted for partners
12. Manipulating partner through deception
13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to
"agree to disagree" about some things
14. Promoting the idea that one should not
try to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.
15. Girls only or boys only entertainment
16. Acceptance of the idea that men are more
important
17. Promoting the idea that men are more
rational than women
18. Promoting the idea that women are generally
frivolous as part of their gender
19. Making it look normal for a man to
exploit women
20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse
women
21. Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives
or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they
want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)
22. Making it look like what women say and
think as less important
23. Accepting the idea that a man does not
need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her
(the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are
still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)
An AUV – anti unity value is any behavior, either physical or mental that goes against and delays progress towards reaching the unity model of marriage.
To prepare myself, I used the list of AUVs listed above. I read and examined each example carefully so that I could understand why each event is damaging to the succession towards unification between the couple. Once I became familiar with the events on the list I chose two popular sitcoms on TV and then looked for some of the AUV examples. The two shows I chose to watch are two of my favorite; Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond. I am very familiar with the content of the show Friends and some of the data I used to identify AUVs came from previous exposure to certain events that progressed throughout the seasons of the show.
i) Friends
5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality:
This AUV arises from Ross’ firs marriage. Although he is not bi-sexual, he married a
woman that cheated on him and left him for another woman. When Ross found out about his wife being
lesbian they decided to get a divorce, shortly after the divorce his ex-wife
informed Ross that she was pregnant and that she was going to raise the baby
with her new lover. I consider this an
AUV because the show promotes that it a married woman who has a loving husband
decides to have a partner of the same sex.
The unity model of marriage is formed and grows from reciprocity between
the couple, but this reciprocity is only possible in a couple with a man and a
woman.
1. Living together unmarried:
When watching the show Friends, it became obvious that most of the anti-unity values came
from observing the relationship between Ross and Rachel. They are the couple in the show that has an
on-and-off again relationship. The show
is now in its final season and the couple is currently not dating because they
feel they are too different. However,
the two are living together unmarried because during one drunken night, while
they were separated, Ross and Rachel had sex which caused Rachel to become
pregnant. They are living together so
that Ross doesn’t miss out on their daughter growing up. This is an example of
an AUV because living together should result from the desire to get married and
wanting to live with that one person for the rest of your life but they are
living together for convenience. There
are also two other couples in the show that live with their partners without
first getting married, the show portrays that it is okay, or maybe even better,
to live with their partner before making the commitment to get married and
claim their partner to the world.
2. Having Children out of wedlock:
Ross and Rachel had a daughter out of wedlock
during this show as well as the son that Ross and his ex-wife have that she kept after their divorce. This is an AUV because Ross is raising two
children together with other women, but he is not married to any of them. Also, Ross and Rachel are living together
until Rachel find a better place to stay, because Rachel is considering moving
away to another country where she is offered a better-paying job. This goes against the first level of unity in
the unity model, the sensory-motor because this level involves what the couples
do together and enjoy together and they cannot physically be together if they
are in separate countries. Rachel’s
decision to move a way is a sign that she is not willing to make the
relationship work even if Ross has begged her to stay. This goes against the affective level of the
unity model which states that women naturally strive to become one with their
partner but this show makes it seem normal for a woman to leave a man that
truly loves her.
9. Same sex friends going out as a group for
fun and entertainment without their partners:
This idea of same-sex friends going out without
their partners can also be identified as girls/guys-night-out. Although the couples in this show don’t go
out without their partners too often, it still happens and these actions are
portrayed to be a healthy part of the couple’s relationship. This goes against the unity model of marriage
because it shows that partners need to take time apart from each other, but a
couple who is truly united strives to be with their partner at all times,
simply because they wouldn’t enjoy it as much if they couldn’t share it with
their partner. Being away from the
partner is the sensorimotor level of this action, thinking that each partner
should spend a night away from each other is the cognitive and creating a
distance between each partner to remain independent is the affective motive.
13. Accepting the idea that it’s OK to “agree to
disagree” about something’s:
Ross and Rachel both have different opinions of
where Rachel should live and raise their child.
The reason that Rachel is planning to move to Europe is because she was
fired from her previous job and a new, higher paying job was offered her but it
would be located in
14. Promoting the idea that one should not try
to change one’s partner but should accept them with their faults, etc:
An example of this AUV can be seen in the
character Joey. Joey is constantly using
women for sex. His friends know this and
they know it is not right of him to do this because in one incident Rachel and
Ross hired a nanny for their daughter and Joey was attracted to her and was trying
to have a relationship with her but Ross made it very clear that he did not
want Joey to hurt her so that she would stay and baby sit their daughter. In the show Joey explains to them that now
that they have set barriers for him he wants the nanny even more and that that
is simply his “nature”. Well Joey goes
against his friends wishes and continues to pursue the nanny. In the end Joey’s friends accept that it is
Joey’s “nature” to go after beautiful women and accept him the way he is. Joey’s desire to manipulate women is the
affective self, his thoughts on how he is going to manipulate women is at the
cognitive level and his actions of being with this woman is the sensorimotor
level.
There is also another constant example between
Monica and
ii) Everybody
Loves Raymond
9. Same sex friends going out as a group for
fun and entertainment without their partners:
There are two main couples in this show;
Raymond and his wife Deborah and Raymond’s parents who live next door. In this show Raymond spends a lot of his free
time with friends rather than his wife Deborah, it is almost as if Raymond
spending time with his friends has become part of his schedule. Raymond’s friends take a big part of the show
but I have yet to see even one of Deborah’s friends, I have only seen one
episode where Deborah’s sister comes to visit.
Their was one show in particular when Deborah was upset and she told Ray
that he spends too much time at work, where his friends work, and/or golfing
with his friends. Deborah presents this
problem to Raymond when she decided to surprise Raymond at work with bringing
him a home-cooked meal, since she believes that he is working hard, late nights
at work, but when she appears at work she realizes that Raymond stays at work
after hours only to spend time watching football games and other shows on
TV. These actions are detrimental to
reaching the unity model because partners that have reached perfect unity
insist on exclusivity so that neither may carry on close friendships with
others. The actions of Raymond staying
at work are at the sensorimotor level, his thoughts about his excuses for
staying and what and how he is going to explain his staying at work late are
the cognitive level of his actions and his motives or affective level are to
remain independent from his wife.
11. Separate interests and activities accepted
for partners:
In a different episode Deborah gets upset at
Ray for golfing so much and leaving her at home with the kids, she feels
frustrated and doesn’t know how to express her feelings without coming off as
irrational and decides to accept his behavior.
Deborah is not happy with accepting his behavior but feels that she is
doing the right thing because golfing makes Raymond happy and she wants take
part in letting him be happy. However,
the amount of time Ray spends with his friends outside of work is contrary to
the unity model because in the unity model, partners do not allow each other
privacy or separate activities with people other than their partner. A couple in the unity model always wants to
be together because they make each other happy.
12. Manipulating partner through deception:
Again, in the same episode as above Raymond
lies and deceives Deborah to get his way.
He knew that she did not want him golfing as much, so he thought out a
plan to make her feel sorry for him (cognitive). He lied to her saying that his friend had
organized a free golf trip (sensorimotor).
To make her feel bad and guilty, he said that he wasn’t going to go
because he knew that it would make her upset.
She then agreed that he should go if the trip was free, but after this
free trip he would have to take some time off from golfing. His motives to make
her feel guilty are from his affective self.
This goes against the unity because when
couples disagree they do not negotiate to reach a consensus, negotiation occurs
in the equity model. Later in the
episode Raymond faints after playing hours of golf and the doctors’
prescription was to play more golf to release some stress. After seeing the doctors’ note, Deborah
agrees to it and Ray is pleased with her decision even though he knows his wife
is unhappy and because it is very convenient for him. Here Raymond is resisting reaching the unity
model because the he is not cooperating with the woman’s attempt to change
him. If they were unified he would
understand and give in to her request of not playing golf over spending time
with her and he would be happy and content to be only with her, making her
happy.
14. Promoting the idea that one should not try
to change one’s partner but one should accept them with their faults, etc:
This AUV is displayed by Deborah and Raymond’s
mom in the show towards their husbands.
The women constantly complain about the men not doing anything around
the house, yet neither of them do anything about it. They instead complain and at the same time accept
their husbands’ faults of being lazy.
Tradition plays a big role in this AUV because Raymond’s mother is
constantly degrading Deborah by saying that she is not a good wife because she
expects Raymond to help with house chores when it is the woman’s job to do the
housework. This is contrary to the unity
model because in a unified gender relationship the partners are not tolerant of
the others faults and they do not try to live with their partners’ faults or
accept them as traditional, instead they try to change each other to become
better people. In unity, both the man
and the woman are willing to change by leaving behind negative behaviors and
adapt new ones that make each individual a better person.
21. Making it
look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept
and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being
dominant, etc.):
Ray’s father best portrays this AUV towards is
wife. Ray’s father is constantly making
comments to his wife that makes him seem dominant. He is very blunt when he makes comments and
he is very demanding of her. An example
of this is when he says thing like, “I’m hungry, make me a sandwich!” “I don’t
care just get me some orange juice!” The
men also always expected the women to cook, clean, and serve them without any
requests for help from the men. This
goes against the unity and equity models of marriage because the couples
tolerate status differences between genders.
An explanation that the dominance model might expose is to say that Ray
works and brings home the paycheck therefore his status is higher than
Deborah’s because Deborah is a stay-at-home mom. What men in the dominance model don’t want to
realize is that it is very hard work to stay at home, raise the children, cook,
serve, and clean after the husband and children.
All these AUVs that I observed are minimal in comparison to the
amount of AUVs that we are exposed to even before we
begin dating. And most of the time we
are not even aware of them, but even if we aren’t aware of them I believe that
they have a very powerful influence in our ways of thinking and acting.
I think that
these interactions are portrayed so often is because people enjoy the sarcasm
behind events that are true in their relationship. It is a cycle in which successful TV shows
portray reality which means that these shows portray traditional dominance
models and then our society sees these AUVs on
television and use the common exposure to them to justify their actions.
My reaction to these observations is disappointment. When I observe that men laugh out loud at rude comments that Raymond and his father (on Everybody Loves Raymond) make to their wives, I realize that he admits that those actions are feelings that many men have but many times they hold their feelings from being outwardly expressed (sensorimotor) so that they prevent their partner from feeling bad. Society thinks it is funny and they enjoy watching those shows because the men and women starring in the shows are probably saying what viewers at home many times thinks about saying.
Consequences for couples and society:
It is evident
that the individual's threefold self
in gender relationships is a combined product of biology, socialization,
culture, and spiritual framework and experiences. As children we obtain the
relationship style of our parents, other adults that surround us, and the media (TV: sitcoms, movies, talk shows,
commercials, cartoons, and magazines, books, songs). By the time we begin
dating or experimenting with the opposite sex, we have been exposed to years of
stereotyped gender behaviors that are constantly portrayed all around us and we
have been shaped to accept and practice these behaviors in all three domains of
the threefold self:
(1) abusive, unfair, and manipulative feelings towards the
"opposite" sex (affective self),
(2) chauvinistic thoughts that stereotype the opposite
gender (cognitive self),
(3) aversive or unsympathetic actions and words against the
partner (sensorimotor self).
These affective,
cognitive, and sensorimotor patterns of stereotyped gender behavior produce an
environment of conflict and inconsistency even as the partners strive to love
each other and become one happy, complete unit.
That is why I believe that education about the threefold self,
self-awareness, and the three types of gender relationships need to be taught
at very early stages of development in children. It becomes extremely hard to filter out years
of exposure to these stereotypes and understand the negativity in them when
these concepts are introduces in early adulthood and this causes a large
outcome of negative bias towards exploring these very important and rational
concepts.
Advice to Future
Generations:
I would like to
advice to future generations to please have an open mind when exploring the
concepts that were mentioned throughout this report. You can get so much out of this course, and
the other courses Dr. James teaches if you are open to understanding them and
exploring them outside of class. The
best way to understand these concepts, besides attending class, is to actually
read the assigned readings, this will be extremely
helpful in discussions in class and in simply understanding all three views to
these gender relationships. The exposure
that you will receive from the lecture notes and previous generational reports
will probably be completely new ideas to you, ideas that are not portrayed in
through culture, tradition, biology, and the media. You will succeed in this course if you try to
understand the concepts and practice them outside of class, the readings
provide many examples and exercises that we can apply outside of class that can
help with our understanding of the topics of the threefold self and different
behaviors that assign us to different relationship models.
Lastly, don’t
procrastinate and don’t be afraid to ask for help in either uploading your
report or on clearing up any confusion about the concepts.
Have fun and
learn lots!
Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy21/classhome-g21.htm
My
Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/valle/home.htm