Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence
pp 56-77
by Leena Dwiggins
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Balm for Anger Cooling Down The Ventilation Fallacy |
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The Work of Worrying Managing Melancholy Mood-Lifters |
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V. Q & A |
Since the time of Plato, self-mastery has been praised as a virtue. It is described as the ability to withstand emotional storms rather than being "passion's slave." Goleman states, "the goal is balance, not emotional suppression: every feeling has its value and significance." I envision a teeter-totter with the side touching the ground as life without passion and the other side in the air as being passion's slave.
Goleman describes life without passion as being a "dull wasteland of neutrality, ... and isolated from the richness of life itself." Life without passion could be equated as death itself. In contrast, when emotions are out of control Golden points out they can become "...pathological, as in immobilizing depression..." and result in undermining our stability. The ability to keep crucial emotions in check is the key to our emotional well being. We must accept that ups and downs add spice to life.
Goleman introduces a concept that I never considered before and found really interesting. He describes the moods of people as being a constant emotional hum. He states that "most of us fall into the middle range, with mild bumps in our emotional roller coaster." Most of us are able to find ways in which to make ourselves feel better.
Goleman looks to the brain's design
to explain why we have little control of when or what emotion will appear.
According to Goleman we can have some say in how long an emotion will last.
He points out that in these times, people with chronic agitation have the
option to seek pharmacological help. In contrast, people with the more
usual range of bad moods are left to their own devices. Unfortunately,
these are not always effective. The main point of this section: Managing
our emotions is a full-time job.
"Anger is never without a reason, but seldom a good one." ~ Benjamin FranklinAnger is a reflex. Goleman presents the contrast of reflex and charitable thought. He presents that instead of giving into our reflex of revenge we could give the other driver a reason for driving so carelessly. Goleman states that in the tempering of anger with mercy, or in keeping an open mind, we can short-circuit the buildup of rage.
Goleman states that "of all the moods people want to escape, rage seems to be the most intransigent." Anger is said to be one of the most seductive of the negative emotions. It is said to be energizing even exhilarating. Its persuasive power may explain common views on venting anger. However, research findings on the attitude that venting anger in "catharsis" is all to the good proves to be erroneous. In fact according to psychologist, Diane Tice, the longer we dwell on what made us angry the angrier we get. She offers the option to douse anger's flames by reframing the situation in a more positive way. The main point of this section: Accentuate the positive.
The Rage "Rush"
The roots of anger are presented in the fight-or-flight response. Furthermore psychologist Dolf Zillmann found that a "universal trigger for anger is the sense of being endangered". Most often according to Zillmann, anger is a "symbolic threat to self-esteem or dignity." It can be presented in the form of being insulted or demeaned. Zillmann states that energy surges to prepare the body for a good fight or for quick flight. The way in which we react depends on how the emotional brain "sizes up the opposition." I was amazed to read that this surge of energy can last for as short as a few minutes and as long as a few days. The problem of being in this prolonged "state of arousal" is that is serves as a foundation on which subsequent reactions can quickly build. When you add daily stresses to the mix, the threshold for what provokes anger takes on a "hair-trigger" like quality. In this heighten state, we risk becoming irrational under otherwise "normal conditions" thereby falling victim to the powerful emotions that trigger emotional highjacking.
Anger Builds on Anger
Zillmann has found that "when the body is already in a state of edginess and something triggers an emotional hijacking, the subsequent emotion, whether anger or anxiety, is of especially great intensity." The vision of a volcano comes to mind. Anger is like a volcano in that it gradually boils to the point when it erupts and spews out in most cases violently. Zillmann adds that "at this point people are unforgiving and beyond being reasoned with."
Balm for Anger
Zillmann offers two main ways of intervening:
2. De-escalating anger; cooling off.
Cooling Down
Zillmann continues by presenting a second way of de-escalating anger by waiting out the adrenal surge in a setting that is not likely to be a further trigger for rage. Distraction, Zillmann finds, is a highly powerful mood-altering device for the simple reason that it is hard to stay angry when we are having a good time. In addition he offers relaxation and active exercise as alternatives to lowering the arousal state. Tice presents her findings that shopping and eating do not have much of an effect in lowering the arousal state. The main point of this section is that we need to practice self-awareness, capture, and re-evaluate the thoughts of anger.
The Ventilation Fallacy
"Don't suppress it. But don't act on it." ~ Chogyam Trungpa
Zillmann's findings suggest an argument against the popular theory that venting makes you feel better. Goleman presents Tice's finding that supports Zillmann. Tice found that venting anger is one of the worst way to cool down because outburst typically pump up the emotional brain's arousal thereby leaving people feeling more angry, not less.
Coleman explains "the reaction that underlies worry is the vigilance for potential danger that has, no doubt, been essential for survival over the course of evolution." Coleman describes worry as a rehearsal of what could go wrong and how to handle it. The task of worrying produces positive solutions of anticipated dangers and can become a highly reinforced habit. Coleman's close analysis of chronic worry suggests is has the attributes of a low-grade emotional highjacking. The development of problems is when the type of worry is chronic instead of usual. An example of chronic worry is obsessive compulsive disorder.
Other researchers have observed two forms of Anxiety. They are:
- Cognitive ~ worrisome thoughts; and
- Somatic ~ the physiological symptoms of anxiety such as sweating, racing heart, etc.
The Work of Worrying
Thomas Borkovec discovered and trains chronic worrier in controlling their worrying habit by having them be aware to:
Learned relaxation that can be applied at the moment they recognize the worry beginning.
Bereavement vs. Full-blown depression
Bereavement is useful, but full-blown depression is not. In situations of major depressions there are physical effects of sleeplessness, feeling listless. In addition there is loss of pleasure and an outlook of vanishing hope. In such major depression, life is paralyzed. Psychotherapy and medication can help. Tice offers socializing as the most popular tactic for battling depression.
Nolen-Hoeksma finds Women are far more prone to ruminate when they are depressed than men. She uses this finding to partly explain why women are twice as often diagnosed with depression than men. Goleman adds that other factors such as women being more open to disclosing their distress or having more in life to be distressed about. Goleman further distinguishes the difference between how men and women handle depression by stating that men may drown their depression in alcohol. He adds that the rate of men doing this is about two times more than women.
Cognitive therapy is aimed at changing thought patterns. Two strategies that are particularly effective in the battle of depression are:
1. Learning to challenge thoughts at the center of rumination; and
2. To question their validity and think of more positive alternatives.
Psychologist Richard Wenzlaff, University of Texas concluded from his studies that people who are already depressed need to make a special effort to shift their attention on to something upbeat. He adds that care must be taken to avoid inadvertently choosing something that will result in bringing their mood down again (e.g.: tearjerker movie, tragic novel).
The main point of this section: Work
of worrying – when it succeeds- is to rehearse what dangers are and to
reflect on ways to deal with them.
Mood-Lifters
Wenzlaff stated, "Thoughts are associated in the mind not just by content, but by mood. People have what amounts to a set of bad mood thoughts. Therefore it is harder to suppress them once some kind of bad mood is evoked. Ironically, depressed people seem to use one depressing topic to get their minds off another, which only stirs more negative emotions."
Wenzlaff corrects the misleading thought of having a "good cry". He states that crying in fact reinforces rumination, which only prolongs the misery. I found that venting is to anger what crying is to misery. He offers distraction as the means in which to break the chain of sadness. He uses distraction to explain the effectiveness in the use of electro convulsive therapy. Electro convulsive therapy is effective for most severe depression because it causes a loss of short-term memory.
Tice offers her findings based on what many people reported. These people reported that they turned to reading, television, movies, video games, puzzles, sleeping, and day dreaming as means of distractions. Wenzlaff adds that the most effective distractions are the ones that shift your mood. Exercise works best for those who do not usually work out. Exercise seems to work well because it changes the physiological state the mood evokes. However, for those habitual exercisers it has a reverse effect on mood.
More constructive mood lifting approaches as reported by Tice include engineering a small triumph or easy success (e.g.: tackling some long delayed chore around the house). One of the most potent, outside of therapy, is seeing things differently, or cognitive reframing. This is the act of stepping back and seeing the loss in a more positive light. Yet another effective depression lifter is helping others in need (e.g.: volunteer work). Although it is one of the most powerful mood changers on Tice’s study, it is also one of the rarest done. Finally, some people find relief from their melancholy in the form of praying – turning to a transcendent power.
The main point of this section: Find positive distractions that will lift your mood.
Repressors are defined as people who habitually and automatically seem to blot emotional disturbance from their awareness (p 75). It is not uncommon for them to continually tune out of emotions such as anger and anxiety. It has been theorized that these people learned to become unflappable for the following reasons:
- It is a strategy for surviving a troubling situation such as alcoholic parent;
- Parent(s) may themselves be repressors and pass on the example of keeping a stiff upper lip in the face of disturbing feelings; and
- The trait may be inherited temperament.
DR. JAMES
Q: What prevents people from acting in their own best interest (e.g. not venting)?
A: I believe is being caught up in the emotions, as Goleman would say being a slave to passion.
Q: Why is venting bad? How would you define it?
A: Venting is bad because it does not result in the defusing of anger. In fact venting can actually fuel anger's flame (p 60). I would use Webster Dictionary's definition of vent: to give often vigorous or emotional expression to; to relieve by means of a vent; an opportunity or means of escape; passage or release.
Q: What is the difference between suppression and repression?
A: According to Webster Dictionary suppression is defined as conscious intentional exclusion from consciousness of a thought or feeling. Repression is defined as a process by which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from consciousness and left to operate in the unconscious. My Clinical Psychology class described suppression as denial of the existence of an unacceptable thought and repression as motivated forgetting. The difference seems to be in where they reside. Suppression is in the conscious and repression in the unconscious.
LIANNE ALLIANIC
Q: Are really passionate people bad drivers?
A: I think persons who let their passions (like anger) rule their heads while driving are potentially bad drivers.
Q: What other things can you do instead of venting? What are some productive ways of venting?
A: Being aware at the onset of anger and seizing and challenging the basis for feeling angry. Taking a deep breath, counting to ten or higher depending on your anger level.
Q: What are some positive alternatives to distract people when they are driving? Are there safe alternatives when driving?
A: To distract yourself you could sing, pray, laugh, or make funny noises. They are safe as long as they do not distract from driving or require you take your hands off the wheel.
Q: How can you change your mood while driving (because you can't just pull over on the freeway and start exercising).
A: You can challenge the source of your mood then take deep breaths or try to refocus on the positive things in your life when faced with an unfavorable mood.
TARA ANTHONY
Q: Do you thing there is any situation where anger might be helpful?
A: From what I read and from personal experience, I do not think there is any situation where anger might be helpful unless your goal is not a positive outcome. In the example of road rage. There have been many situations where accident, injury, and death could have been avoided if anger was not acted on.
Q: How can we keep the balance between expression and repression?
A: I personally don't feel a balance can be kept between expression and repression when dealing with anger. Both can be unhealthy. Expression in any form is similar to venting and as I expressed above (Dr. James) fuels anger's fire. In addition, repression is known as motivated forgetting. Zillmann suggests that the way to maintain emotional balance is to be aware of our feelings of anger, capture and reappraise the thoughts of anger. However, I feel this requires that we be aware and willing to make a change.
ARGYLE BUMANGLAG
Q: What is the difference between venting and cooling down? Are they the same? If so, wouldn't all forms of distraction be the same as venting?
A: I used Webster Dictionary's definition of vent: to give often vigorous or emotional expression to; relieve by means of a vent; an opportunity or means of escape; passage or release. In comparison cooling down (to me) is a cognitive act; making a conscious effort to prevent our emotions from getting the best of us. It is my understanding that venting and cooling down are not the same. Zillmann’s seems to present cooling down as distracting oneself, therefore it seems to be the alternative to venting. I guess venting could be the giving in to anger and cooling down could be the positive channeling of the it.
Q: Do these distraction techniques actually take anger away?
A: I am sure it depends on the situation and the level of anger one is feeling. However, I recall you sharing your experience with anger and finding that taking deep breaths and being aware of your emotion dispersed your anger.
Q: What makes people become chronic worriers? Are some people just genetically predetermined to be chronic worriers or is it more a trait that is conditioned by society?
A: Goleman points to fear triggering the emotional brain (p 65) and that worry evolutionary has been essential for survival. Therefore, I would say that some people are genetically predetermined to be chronic worriers. However, this does not mean I do not believe that the environment/society does not make a contribution into this equation.
ISABEL CHANG
Q: Can depression be inherited?
A: The Mayo Clinic Health information describes depression as being a medical disorder that has a biological basis. Therefore, yes it can be inherited.
Q: Do you think females are better at managing their emotions than males?
A: I think societal norms have encultured females with the freedom to express/display emotions where males have been told it was not okay for them to express/display their emotions. In this context I feel females are better at witnessing their emotions and more willing to take action to address them.
Q: Does that mean if we can manage our emotions such as depression that anti-depressants or psychiatrist are no longer needed?
A: This depends on the severity of the depression. I would like to believe that we can all help ourselves, however this is not the case. In extreme situations and in different personalities anti-depressants and psychiatrists will still be needed.
Q: What is the cause of manic depression and the long-term effects of general depression?
A: Manic depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. The long-term effects of general depression could develop into chronic/clinical depression. However, each case has to be looked at for the patients' diagnosis and severity of symptom. In less severe cases, psychotherapy and medication can be administered. In extreme cases of depression (where people may contemplate suicide) electro convulsive therapy has been shown to be effective.
LYNNE FAYLOGNA
Q: In the sense of venting, could losing control be a result of it if we keep feeding our anger? (actions & thoughts).
A: Anger is energizing therefore in the sense of venting, it would be similar to adding fuel to fire. It can result in loss of control (e.g.: emotional highjacking).
ANTHONY GUERRA
Q: When you say Goleman believes venting is bad, but what about suppression. I would think venting even though bad is better than holding things inside.
A: The quote by C. Trungpa, "Don't suppress it, but don't act on it." (p 65) seems to focus on the time element of the situation. Instead of denying the feeling of anger (suppression) we should be aware of it and instead of giving in to its power and loosing control. Tice writes, "it is far more effective when people first cooled down, THEN, in a more constructive or assertive manner confront the person to settle dispute(s). Please see definition for venting above. Maybe viewing anger as the fire in a bar b que grill with the vent open it grows, but when regulated/monitored by us it stays controlled.
Q: Do you ever disagree when he says that violent incidents occur because the person has a rage rush?
A: I think it depends on the length of time this rush goes on. In a prolonged state it serves as a catalyst to emotional highjacking, thereby resulting in potentially violent incidents.
AMY HAYASHIDA
Q: Could action after heat and eruptions be considered venting as well?
A: If it results in feeding the feeling of anger, yes. The action(s) after heat and eruption can be considered venting.
Q: What is the difference between venting and cooling down?
A: I used Webster Dictionary's definition of vent: to give often vigorous or emotional expression to; relieve by means of a vent; an opportunity or means of escape; passage or release. In comparison cooling down (to me) is a cognitive act; making a conscious effort to prevent our emotions from getting the best of us. It is my understanding that venting and cooling down are not the same. Zillmann’s seems to present cooling down as distracting oneself, therefore it seems to be the alternative to venting. I guess venting could be the giving in to anger and cooling down could be the positive channeling of the it.
Q: What is the difference between worrying and anxiety?
A: Page 65 defines worry as "a sense, rehearsal of what might go wrong and how to deal with it; the task of coming up with positive solutions by anticipating potential dangers. Anxiety according to the Webster Dictionary is defined as chronic repetitive worries that recycle with never reaching a positive solution, abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear. Therefore, anxiety is chronic worrying.
JANICE KAMM
Q: Does the book say anything about who determines the "norm" of emotional reaction? Who do you or what do you think determines the "norm?"
A: No, the book does not say anything about who determines the "norm" of emotional reaction. I believe society sets and reinforces the norm through society pressures.
Q: What kind of distractions do you recommend while driving? Wouldn't it be a little hard to "distract" yourself after you've already been aroused, especially when driving?
A: I found that I often use charitable thought. I try to always give people the benefit of the doubt that they are in a rush because they have an emergency or they are rushing to pick up their kids to take them to the doctor. I think the key point of the book is to "catch" ourselves in the early stages of feeling angry and address it before we get further aroused. I found incorporating exercises like those in Tee 9C2 to safely and effectively distract ourselves are really helpful.
Q: Why is it that men and women express their "depression" so differently?
A: The book does not give any reason for the differences between the genders in expressing depression. I personally believe it stems from how we are raised. It is a societal and sometime cultural norm for little girls to be in tuned with their feelings and have the freedom to express them. Conversely boys are discouraged from doing this same thing. We are taught and it is reinforced how we are to express ourselves in all situations.
CINDY MELO
Q: Distractions do not completely eliminate the emotions, but simply delay the resolution. What feasible alternative can be utilized to eliminate rage rush?
A: Rage rush results when faced with the sense of being endangered. Once the danger is gone and we allow ourselves to cool down we can eventually eliminate the rage.
Q: What is venting? (I understand the definition made in class, but it still contradicts with my definition. ~ Venting is a way for me to explode and let go of all the emotions building up which can lead to relaxation.)
A: Webster Dictionary defines
vent as: to give often vigorous or emotional expression to; to relieve
by means of a vent; an opportunity or means of escape; passage or release.
Cindy your definition is close to this definition, the contradiction is
it being useful when dealing with anger. Please see this
journal.
TOMOKO SEIKO
Q: Don't suppress it, but don't act on it. So, what do I do about it? I am sure there are ways to control or "vent" the anger, but when I am at the peak of anger where I just have got to express it in rage, what do I do?
A: Tice (p 64) writes, "venting is one of the worst ways to cool down resulting in pumping the emotional brain’s arousal, leaving people feeling more angry, not less." She continues to write that it is best to cool down first before constructively confronting the person to settle the dispute. I guess we could change the saying, "Don't suppress it, but don't act on it" to "don't deny it, but do anything while feeling it." (I know it is long and doesn't rhyme, but it makes clearer sense to me.)
Q: How do you distract worries?
A: Personally, I find meditation and prayer help me calm feelings of worries. Also the realization that if nothing can be accomplished in worrying, why waste energy and time on doing it.
Q: When you repress, does that mean that you are not aware of your feelings or can you repress when knowing or being aware of your feelings?
A: Great question since you touched on the consciousness of repression. Repression is the holding of an unacceptable thought/feeling or impulse out of consciousness. Therefore I do not feel it is possible to know that you are repression (e.g.: adults who later in life recall being abused as children are said to have repressed those memories.)
ROBBY SOLMSSEN
Q: Do you feel that there are healthy forms of venting - not negative or aggressive?
A: Venting or expression oneself can both be healthy outlets. However, Goleman points out that venting while angry is negative and can lead to aggressiveness. It is unhealthy when done with no control of emotions anger) because it feed the emotion you are trying to get rid of.
Q: Do you think multiple, quick outbursts, may cause or lead to a venting scenario?
A: Yes, it could be looked at little sparks towards an already flammable pile of kindling.
SANDEE UYEHARA
Q: Cooling down is a really good idea. What is a good way to cool down while driving?
A: Dr. Driving’s Tee Card 9 C2 offers great methods to cool down while driving.
JAMES YANG
Q: Why is venting so dangerous for us?A: Venting is bad because it does not result in defusing of anger. In fact venting can actually fuel anger's flame (p 60). I would use Webster Dictionary’s definition of vent: to give often vigorous or emotional expression to; to relieve by means of a vent; an opportunity or means of escape; passage or release. Please see this journal for more information.
Q: If we distract ourselves from our anger, doesn't that just suppress our anger for later?
A: No, in the act of distracting we are accepting our feeling of anger whereas in suppression we are in denial or not completely aware of this feeling. It is how we handle this feeling that will determine the results. In self-awareness we are able to capture the feelings, reappraise the thoughts and anger and be rid of it. Suppressing can arise later, which is why it is best to address the feeling of anger at its onset.
Q: How can we control our anger in a rational way?
A: Exercising charitable thoughts or putting yourself in the other person's place. We are all different in how we rationalize therefore, find a couple of ways that work for you and stick with them.
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