My Proposal for TV Ratings on Anti-Unity Values (AUV)
in Gender Behavior
by Makana Liwai
Instructions
for this report can be accessed at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy20/g20lecturenotes409b.htm
1. Preface
This report is the third and final report that I have had
to write for Psychology 409b under the instruction of Dr. Leon James. In my
previous report, the purpose of writing it was to foster a better awareness of
ourselves and how our three interacting levels; the cognitive, sensorimotor,
and the affective selves interrelate while in a relationship. Doing the report
enabled us to look past the person that is on the surface and see how the other
dynamics of their being can be interpreted. The reports and associated links
that we were to browse through were to help solidify our grasp on gender
dynamics. By enabling us to be aware of how gender interactions occur, doing
the report would act as a catalyst to help monitor and screen our own emotions
and coinciding actions as we progressed through the day.
Overall, writing the report on interactions between the
genders helped me to look into the relationships that I carry on in my own
life. I have come to understand that there are many dynamics that are
amalgamating while in a relationship that have significant impacts on our
actions that we carry out. In addition, having been allowed the time to think
in an in-depth and exclusive manner on gender relationships, has helped me to
better refine my ideas of what an ideal husband would be.
My report 2 can be found at: http://www.soc.Hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/Liwai/report2.htm
The purpose of report 3 as I see it is to gather up our
accumulated knowledge about the unity model and apply it. This will not only
test our knowledge on the subject matter but also our absorption of it. By
having to apply the model and report back on it, it allows us to have a deeper
understanding of the model and a better respect for it as well.
By having to focus solely on this
model, it allows us to gain a better insight about our own relationships that
we participate in. By being better informed on the different models we can
follow, we (women) are no longer trapped into a vortex of domination We have
gained the confidence of knowing that we don't have to put up with
relationships that don't suit us. Even if we don't fully submit to the unity
model we can gain a sense of peacefulness knowing that we can control
various aspects of our relationships.
2.
Introduction
Our class
has been structured around examining in detail the "unity model" of
marriage that Dr James has proposed to us. This model is what Dr James' current
research and thinking on marriage and gender relations is. The model is
influenced by the Writings of Swedenborg (1688-1772), in particular his book Conjugial
Love (sometimes translated Marriage Love) (1768), available online
at: www.theheavenlydoctrines.org/static/d6295/1.htm
The unity model that
we have focused on in this class is the proposal that a man and a woman can
form a heavenly relationship in which they will become unified in all three
levels of the threefold self: in sensory-motor behavior, thinking, and in
feeling. There are major obstacles that the couple and the husband in
particular must overcome if the couple is to be successful in the unification
or conjoining process. The first level of unity is sensory-motor and it
operates the sensations, perceptions, and motor acts we perform in gender
relationships. The category of "motor acts" includes verbal
behavior and non-linguistic behaviors as well such as expressions, appearance,
and style. This level also involves the social activities that the couple does
together. The second level is cognitive, which controls the thinking and
reasoning we do in the relationships. It also includes the individual mindset and
their mindset as a couple- whether they have the same beliefs and ideas about
certain topics. The third and deepest level is affective, and it involves the
feelings and motivations we maintain while in the relationship. This level is
the most important- for it is here where the couple has the desire to make
their partner the most important element in their life.
The unity model of marriage can be
accessed at http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy20/g20lecturenotes409b.htm#levels
3. Class Oral
Presentations and Lecture Discussions
The Surrendered
Wife vs. the Surrendered Husband
Chapter 2
Section 4 written by Dr. Leon James
Presented
on the 13th of April 2004
Ryan Lau presented a piece from Dr
Leon James. It was taken from The Doctrine of the Wife, which is basically a
religious manual for husbands with instructions as to how they can go about
achieving unity with their heavenly wives. His presentation was well laid out
and extremely easy to follow- the outline can be found here. There were many topics that I found pertinent to the topic
of gender unity and Ryan presented these points in a straightforward manner
that enabled us to further solidify our own understanding of what true unity
is.
Here are the two topics I chose to
list that I agree coincide with the unity model
·
2b) "Now he is a
complete man, a true husband, a celestial mind, a conjugial husband."
This is in
reference as to what happens to a husband after he has voluntarily surrendered
to his wife and has "built a spiritual doctrine for himself whose power is
so great that he sees himself a new creation. He would always act from her
affections, which means from her perceptions and perspectives, not his
own." As Ryan Lau went on about unity,
he likened it to the famous quote- (this was probably my favorite part of the
presentation)- "you can't have your cake and eat it too" then he
added, "but with the unity model, you can." It is almost as though that what Ryan Lau said is the prefect way
to sum up the unity model if you were to present it to someone who has never
heard of it before.
·
2f) "The woman takes
within herself the man's thinking style and reasoning process. This is the same
way as she takes his seed through her birth canal and gives it life in her
womb. That child born of her represents the husband's intelligence in the wife.
She is now no longer an individual woman but a married woman, which means that
she has within her, his seed, his intelligence, his ideas, his manner of thinking.
She has a replica of her husband's mind within herself so that she always knows
what he is thinking."
Next to this
quotation during the presentation I wrote down- "I know you better than
you know yourself." It seems to me to be very valid- women are more
aligned to know about this unity process and are already predisposed to take
part in it. For the men, they must learn how to view the world through their
wife's eyes. It's one thing to put yourself in another person's shoes when
something bad has happened, but it is an extremely unnatural and mystifying
thing for a man to understand and go along with the notion that your wife knows
better than you and rather than just be reactive to what she is saying, you
must be proactive and train your mind.
The next two topics I had
questions about
·
3b) "The man on his own
is only a half-man"
I do
understand that in order for a man to be a true whole person, he must conjoin
with his heavenly wife- I've got that. What was left lingering in my mind was-
is the same true for a woman? On her own is she only a half-woman? At first, I
was thinking that the answer was yes- her husband must complete her. Then I
started thinking that it is the woman who takes in the man, so perhaps she is
whole by herself, and he is the one who must work through his deficits in order
to become whole.
·
4b) 'Men must get over all
negative implications of the word "feminized" when it is implied to a
man."
The reason
that the word feminized is used is because after a man goes into submission,
the relationship and his world in general become more beautiful, tranquil, and
harmonious- in other words feminine. What I was left wondering was – Is there
another word that we can use in the place of feminine that would have the same
meaning, but isn't as stigmatized? I'm not sure if there is because the term
"feminine" is a broad term.
Gender and Discourse,
Tannen, Deborah. Oxford University Press. New York, New York. 1994. pages
195-218.
"The Sex-class Linked
Framing of Talk at Work"
Presented on the 13th
of April 2004
The
two topics that I found relevant to the unity model of marriage are
This statement is very true in the general realm of life;
we act in accordance with what we want to accomplish, so that we are looked
upon with favor. This statement is also pertinent when dealing with the idea of
unity as well. The man must forgo his nature because men are programmed to be
brutish and vulgar. He must overcome these urges and behave in accordance with
what is ultimate accomplishment is- that is unity.
This quote stems from the idea that different sexed
professors present their requirements in different manners. The women- American
women that is, would present the requirements as though the department had
written them and she was just the catalyst. The American men would present the
requirements in a manner that led the students to believe that they were the
professor's own personal standards. It
seems as though the women were more passive and didn't want to take
responsibility while the men were the opposite. This can be likened to the dominance
model of marriage. The man says what his expectations are and expects they will
be followed, while the woman tries to shun the direct responsibility.
These
topics led me to have questions
I found this case fascinating in that the male and female
roles could be so distinct and could switch on and off. These two imaginary
persons weren't true expressions of her own self, they were just
representations that she had learned from society. As with any religion, in the
unity model, you can put up a facade, such as Willie or Carol, and believe that
you are living in unity, but these facades are merely that, it's just the
regurgitation of what you have learned from the model. It isn't the actual
incorporation and adherence to the model in your daily life (which is the only
pathway that leads to unification). By putting up a front, you are cheating
yourself. It's one thing to be living your life striving towards the unity
model and accepting that it's a struggle. It's another thing just to put false
hope in the belief that you are already at a half decent merger and you need not
bother to continue the struggle. So my question is, how do you know when you've
reached unity and you aren't simply under the impression that you have reached
it? Some divine revelation perhaps?
The reason that I have this comment is to exemplify one
more way that men and women are different. When dealing with the unity model, I
am under the impression that it is a great deal of work for the man to stick
with this process because it is an arduous one. The man must first understand
what unity is and must decide that this is the model of marriage that he would
like to enter into. It is as though he must be broken down first to be built up.
He must recognize that his way of thinking about relationships is inadequate
and only detrimental in the long run. My question is, as a woman, if I were to
be seeking unity with my partner, would I be allowed to show him abundant
praise for his efforts? Would this help in the process, or would it be symbolic
of male dominance where the woman must protect the man's ego?
Gender and Discourse,
Tannen, Deborah. Oxford University Press. New York, New York. 1994. pages
22-129.
“Gender Differences in
Conversational Coherence"
Presented on the 2nd of
March 2004
Peter
Park presented Chapter 3 of our text. His outline can be found here. Chapter 3 of Tannen's book deals predominantly with the
gender differences experienced while in same sexed peer groups. It showcased
the males beside the females and described the various stages that the two
sexes seemed to go through. It allowed us to see how men and women learn
socially to be different and how these differences start minutely and grow
rapidly.
These
topics were relevant to gender unity
I found this relevant because many times men may be resistant to the
idea of change that goes hand in hand with the unity model. They usually don't
understand the way that women function, and being that it's "a man's
world" they may ridicule the female sex and proclaim that they are
inferior because they are different. With these young boys, they are journeying
to become the future generation of husbands. We can already see how the sexes
differ at this age, and while I'm not suggesting that little boys act more like
girls, I am trying to point out that the differences are so vast and so
concrete that it can be disturbing to a man to hear that their mode of thinking
needs to be reevaluated. They may think that being because they can talk to
other men effectively, that they can do the same with women. This isn't true
because being that the sexes are different, the approaches when dealing with
the two sexes must be different as well. Women already know this and
incorporate this adjustment into their daily lives. It is the man must learn
this valuable new skill.
This topic corresponds with the unity model because already
from this young age it is apparent that the girls are developing their skills
pertaining to relationships. They are talking about relationships and the
interactions involved and also asking for advice and input from other girls.
They are aligning their minds towards unity without knowing it by becoming
experts in the field of relationships.
These
topics left me having questions
So this is where I disagree. It's not due to cross-cultural
differences. I think if Peter Park were female he might be able to hone in on
this a little easier. The reason that
women aren't satisfied with the way that men answer their questions is because
men and women answer questions differently. She wants him to answer like a
woman. For instance… Woman asks a man
"Tomorrow I have the day off should I go shopping?" Man replies
"Sure." Woman asks woman "Tomorrow I have the day off should I
go shopping?" Woman replies " What are you looking for? Do you have
enough money? Where will you go?"
When men ask questions they want "yes" or "no", or a
rational explanation. When women ask
although they may want a "yes" or a "no" they also look to
see if the other is paying attention and putting thought behind their answer.
·
5) "25 year old
women -Discuss own relationship with others and their personal life plans and
goals. –Belittle themselves."
I understand that a woman may talk down about her self, but I wonder
what implications this may have on the unity model. If a woman is depressed she
might not believe that she deserves to have a chance at having such a wonderful
unity with her husband. This thought then led me to wonder what would happen if
the woman goes through a bout of depression while striving towards unity with
her husband. What are the chances that he will be strong enough to carry on
this divine journey?
4. My
Proposal for AUV Ratings on TV (Anti-Unity Values)
4A. What are
AUV Ratings?
AUV stands for Anti Unity Value. An AUV is any gesture, whether verbal or physical that hiders or
is detrimental to the progression towards unification. These AUVs can be seen
in our daily lives and is a reflection of the values that the media projects on
to us. The following is a list of AUVs that Dr James provided for us that he
observed while watching some episodes of the Soap called One Life to
Live on the Soap Net during the month of December 2003.
1.
Living together unmarried
2.
Having children out of
wedlock
3.
Making each other jealous on
purpose
4.
Adultery for various reasons
5.
Promiscuity and bi-sexuality
6.
Sexy dressing for men other
than one's partner
7.
Having a same sex best friend
who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
8.
Having a heterosexual best
friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
9.
Same sex friends going out as
a group for fun and entertainment without their partners
10.
Flirting with other gender as
retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)
11.
Separate interests and
activities accepted for partners
12.
Manipulating partner through
deception
13.
Accepting the idea that it's
OK to "agree to disagree" about some things
14.
Promoting the idea that one
should not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their
faults, etc.
15.
Girls only or boys only
entertainment
16.
Acceptance of the idea that
men are more important
17.
Promoting the idea that men
are more rational than women
18.
Promoting the idea that women
are generally frivolous as part of their gender
19.
Making it look normal for a
man to exploit women
20.
Making it look normal for a
man to abuse women
21.
Making it look normal for a
man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g.,
serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)
22.
Making it look like what
women say and think as less important
23.
Accepting the idea that a man
does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did
to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her
feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)
4B. What
Procedures I Followed
I chose a show that I believed would provide me with a
chance at observing male and female interactions while in a marriage. I wanted
to choose a movie, but decided on a sitcom because the interaction would be
more intense being that the time allotment was shorter. I gathered Dr James'
list of AUVs, a pen and paper, and watched the show. As I watched I listened
for and noted down the interactions between the married couple. During the
commercials I noted down how their comments may be seen as being in concordance
with a particular AUV.
4C. The Data I Gathered
I decided to watch
"Yes Dear" which airs on the CBS channel Monday nights at from 7-
7:30. The particular episode I watched aired May 3, 2004. The premise of the
show was that the husband Jimmy has come up with a list of activities that he
wants to accomplish.
When the
Jimmy came home from work, his wife Christine instantly gets up from the couch
to greet him and ask about his day. He doesn't bother to ask about hers.
By him not
reciprocating the greeting, he has left her feeling ignored and as though the
way that she has spent her day is of no importance. Of course the wife is used
to this and continues to fuss over her husbands comfort after he arrives home.
After Jimmy
comes home, he relays to his wife that he has come up with a list of activities
that he would like to accomplish. She responds with "If this is important
to you, its important to me." He replies, "That's awesome."
First off, Jimmy's list doesn't include his wife at all.
He wants to do all of these things on his own. Having different interests and
hobbies promotes the idea of equity, not unity. Secondly, Jimmy didn't even
consider his wife's opinion, he made up the list without asking if she like to
do a list of activities together and then proceeded to announce that he is
going to accomplish these goals. Thirdly, the response that his wife gave marks
the dominance model. She is giving in to his desires and not her own. Fourthly in response to the wife's answer,
did Jimmy really consider his wife's viewpoint, or was he just looking for the
quick validation that it was okay to carry out his list.
3 Promiscuity
and adultery
One of the items on Jimmy's list was that he wanted to
dance at a club with a female supermodel. The wife responded with "No sex,
just freak dancing."
In the
unity model, once you are faced with temptation, you must obliterate it from
your mind, you aren't allowed to fantasize about other women, because even
though it wasn't an act in the flesh, desiring it is seen as a sin. Jimmy not
only thought about dancing in a sexual manner with a woman other than his wife,
he actively sought it. His wife didn't hold him back, perhaps the writers
wanted to make the wife come across as confident in her marriage or as being
permissive. Either way, no woman should allow her husband to fulfill his
desires when it includes a stranger.
One of the activities Jimmy "accomplished" was
getting attacked by trained police dogs while wearing a special protective
suit.
The wife
didn't understand why, and didn't agree with him wanting to get attacked. She
let it go through, because it was something that he really wanted to do. If the couple were trying to reach unity, if
Jimmy brought up this wish of wanting to get mauled, he wife wouldn't agree
with it and Jimmy would immediately drop it.
By him not listening to her he is disrespecting her and letting her know
that her views and preferences aren't important and have no place in is life.
5
Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should
accept and honor
While
completing his various goals, Christine is always seen in the background
smiling, and cheering him on.
She (due to
societal pressure) has been forced to turn her cheek and accept her husband's
outlandish adventures. Because she is a
"good wife" (according to the equity and dominance models) she must
shower him with praise and continue to erroneously inflate his ego. Bad bad
bad. She is allowing/ forced to allow her husband to take charge of the
relationship. The only way to unity is through the wife!!
After Jimmy has completed all of his
activities throughout the week, the next morning, Christine comes into the
bedroom and tells Jimmy to "Get up, you're going to be late." Jimmy
replies with "Why, what's the reason." Christine replies, "You
spent the whole week accomplishing all of those things …" Jimmy responds
with, "I thought I'd feel better but it's just a downward spiral form
here, I have nothing to look forward to."
Firstly, it's Christine's responsibility
to wake her husband and see to it that he gets out of the house on time. It
shouldn't be this way; he shouldn't burden her with the task on waking him
every morning. According to the unity model, he should want to go to work so
that he can provide for her. Jimmy also drags his wife into the conversation
hoping that she'll come to his aid and instantly comfort him and tell him that
he should feel proud etc. By doing so, he is exploiting his wife and using her
only to make himself feel good.
Rather run to
his side Christine responds, " I don't want to be the butt of your pity
party, but I've got to go to school." Jimmy replies, " Yea school,
future, dreams, don't get full of yourself."
According to
the dominance model, Christine is in the wrong because she didn't tend to her
husband's needs. According to the equity model they're both in the wrong for
their coldness and hostility. When we review it in light of the unity model, it
is Jimmy who is in the wrong. Christine correctly lets Jimmy know that all of
this was brought upon by his self, she didn't cause it, didn't agree with it,
and therefore shouldn't have to clean up after it. Jimmy is in the wrong
because he blatantly puts her down. He demeans the fact that she is trying to
better herself and seemingly tries to force her into an argument. If he were
inline with the unity model he would understand his wife's perspective and say,
"You're right."
Again- Rather
than run to his side Christine responds, " I don't want to be the butt of
your pity party, but I've got to go to school." Jimmy replies, " Yea
school, future, dreams, don't get full of yourself."
Christine
left the home that morning without the couple having worked through their
disagreement. This is not allowed in the unity model. Having a disagreement with your partner is like your heart and
lungs not wanting to work together in your body. It's incompatible and if the
disagreement continues, there will be catastrophic damage and/or possible death
of the union.
4D. The AUV
Scale
An AUV Scale can be used to rate
the intensity of the program that you are watching. Being that I have been
socialized to accept the dominance/unity model, I feel that I am not proficient
enough when it comes to the unity model to decide which AUVs are more harmful
than others while building unity. If I were I, I would be able to create a list
of values that I deemed as being anti-unity and rate them on a 1-10 scale. 1
would be mild anti-unity, with 10 being the most offensive. Shows could be rated and every time a
certain AUV is noted, its intensity number would also be listed. At the end of
the program, the numbers would be tallied up and an AUV rating could them be
assigned.
A Second way to create a scale would
be note the frequency of the AUVs as a whole that appeared during the program.
Whichever scale were to be used, as
long as it was the same viewer with the same set of AUVs for each show, I
believe that both of the scales could be valid. The first one that I mentioned,
the intensity scale would better portray how detrimental the show would be to
promoting unity.
4E. Testing
Out the AUV Scale
For this particular show, I noted the frequency of each
of the AUVs that Dr James provided for us.
Doing this let me be more aware of the interactions that are going on
between the two partners. I tried to envision how each character could modify
their behavior in order to make it more inline with the unity model.
While
watching the show, it was a little difficult because I had to filter through
what I have been socialized to think the proper interactions between a man and
a woman are. Having the scale handy allowed me to focus more on the project at
hand. It was as though at one point I felt like a well oiled machine and rather
than jot down the character's words, I could instantly interpret their jargon
into whether or not it was valid according to the unity model.
I do think that it would have been
easier if I had an intensity scale already provided or if I was proficient
enough where I felt confident making one on my own.
5. Conclusion
This assignment has helped me to
become more aware not only of the different types of relationships that people
can be a part of but also what they are thinking while in it. It has helped me
to better understand my own relationships that I have with others and has
helped me to be more effective when I have tried to communicate with them. When
dealing with others in regards to their relationships problems, I feel I am
better able to look at the relationship from more angles than if I had never
learned about unity.
Although unity seems to me to be practically unattainable,
living and teaching many of the values instilled in the unity model would be
beneficial to our society. Learning how harmful the dominance model is may help
to repair relationships that are on the verge of destruction. Going against
societal norms isn't always a bad thing; we've just been led to believe that it
is. Women have glorified the dominance
model stating that they want to care for and make their husbands happy.
Of course wives want that, but don't they want someone to care for them just as
much? That doesn't happen in the dominance model. A man handing over his
paycheck twice a month isn't going to fulfill my heart full of desires. I want
to be with him, not his money.
By learning this unity model, it has helped me to be more
aware of the possibility that there may be a vast number of other models of
marriage out there, each sounding just as bizarre as the unity model did when I
first heard about it. There are certainly other cultural variances pertaining
to other people's way of life and just because it's different doesn't mean I
should put it down. New ideas shouldn't set an alarm off where I feel I need to
justify my own beliefs and I need to disqualify theirs as sub par.
In the next few years, there might
be a unity model to make its debut into mainstream, but I can see it catching a
lot of flack from our male dominated society. Men might feel threatened that
their power is being averted to their wives. Do they not want to give up this
power, or do they actually know how badly they treat their wives and don't want
to be on the receiving end of this treatment. In the mean time they'll continue
to intimidate and abuse their wives because that's the only way they know to
connect with them.
5. Future
Generations
Maybe you're learning about the
unity model for the first time and you think that we've all been brainwashed.
Naw. Open your mind, take from it what you will, let down your defenses and
absorb it all in. Dr James isn't trying to convert you into his way of
thinking; he's allowing you to see a different approach to a relationship. He
wants you to come out with an appreciation for other ways of life. Although the
model is religious based, if you're not religious, don't worry; there won't be
any preaching. He has never talked down to us and no question is seen as stupid
or irrelevant. You and your classmates set the tone for the class, if you want
to keep the discussions topical and light, or if you want to go deeper into the
meaning behind it all, Dr James will happily oblige either way. He has a wealth
of knowledge and from what I hear, is probably the most distinguished on the
subject in the state. If something isn't clear, or seems as though the links
are missing, ask him to fill in the blanks. It's like explaining American
culture to a foreign student, there are so many things to get into, and
sometimes the basics are overlooked.