Annotated Bibliography Report
by Aiko
Fall 2002—Generation
17
Dr. Leon James,
Instructor
Instructions
for this report can be accessed here
Everyday Expressions of Rage
Introduction
Have you ever been so angry that you’ve lost control of what you do or say or done something violent? An online dictionary defines rage as a “violent and uncontrolled anger” and “a fit of violent wrath.” The word rage and its manifestations have become associated with many everyday settings. In doing searches on the internet I have found web pages and sites about road rage, shopping rage, and rage in the home as well as in other domains of daily life. The following is a culmination of the searches that I have done on this particular topic of interest.
1)
Hawaii Road Rage and
Driving Issues
A) This article discusses road rage in Hawaii in
relation to Dr. Leon James and Dr. Diane Nahl who have authored a book entitled
“Road Rage and Aggressive Driving:
Steering Clear of Highway Warfare” and are road rage experts. They define road rage as “a state of anger
leading to aggressive behavior in words, gestures, assault or battery.” This aggressive behavior is learned and can
be traced back to 19th century England when “furious driving” laws
were passed to prevent carriages from speeding through town. Today, this aggressive behavior is learned
from the time children are riding in cars with parents who are aggressive in
their driving. Later, when the kids
have grown to driving age, “years of exposure to aggressive driving
automatically come out in unconscious habits.”
The
authors have identified several road rage types that manifest themselves from
these “unconscious habits.” Some of
them are verbal attacker, rushing maniac, and passive aggressive. They point out that a driver’s number one
edict is to “remain in control of the vehicle, the self, and the situation,”
but there is loss of control when “you don’t know how the driver you flipped
off will react, whether to ignore you or pursue you.” The key is in having control over the choices one makes. If you decide to flip off another driver,
you have lost control because now it is up to the other driver as to where the
situation will go. Will he ignore you
or pursue you? If you decide not to
flip off the other driver, you give no reason for the situation to go any
further.
B) When
I was searching for articles on expressions of rage in normal daily settings
the title of the article caught my eye.
The title was of interest to me because it was very relevant to my
personal experiences. I live in Hawaii,
drive about 30 miles a day, and do experience road rage on the streets and
highways of Oahu. I myself am guilty of
expressing road rage, probably in a passive aggressive manner. I tend to slow down when someone is tailing
me and I am driving the speed limit and in the right hand lane. What was also
of interest to me was that the name of the professor for this course came up as
one of the authors of the article as well as an expert on road rage.
When
I first found this article, I was very relieved to have found an article so
relevant to my daily life.
I
also appreciated that it not only pointed out road rage as a problem, but also
as a learned behavior, existing for centuries, that can be modified. It was very interesting to have learned
that road rage is not a new concept, and in fact it has existed elsewhere for a
time. The fact that road rage has been
in existence before there were even automobiles, made me realize how much
influence the media has on my perception.
The media has reported road rage as something recent and has also
created off shoots such as desk rage and shopping rage as “the new rage.” Are these topics really recent manifestations,
or have they always been in existence and the media is selling them as
something new?
C) Overall,
I found this article very informative, useful, and thought provoking. The information provided was concise and
organized in a manner that did not overwhelm the visual sense. I also like the examples of road rage
reported in Hawaii because it is proof that even though we live in “paradise,”
we are just as susceptible to it. It
was very useful in the sense that it not only described the problem, but the
authors also suggested solutions, things people can do to prevent road rage. I am in accord with the idea presented by
them that parents need to really watch their driving behavior because children
do look to their parents as models of what appropriate and inappropriate
behaviors are.
It
all does come down to choice. Driving
is full of split second decision-making.
Turn right or turn left? Right
blinker now or in a few more feet?
Yellow light, speed up or slow down?
Another driver just cut me off, pull up next to him and flip him off or
ignore him? What choice should I
make? If I choose to ignore him, I have
kept control of the situation by deciding not to let it go any further. If I choose to catch up to him and flip him
off, I give control over to the other driver and now the decision to take this
situation any further is up to him. He
has already shown erratic driving behavior; do I really want to take the
chance? We may not have a choice in
what happens to us on the road, but we do have a choice in how we respond to
what happens to us.
D) This
article was found while doing a search on Yahoo as part of a class
project. The words “road” and “rage”
were used to find this article. I was
not looking specifically for this article; it appeared with several thousand
other articles related to road rage.
Finding
this article was not very difficult. In
fact it was easy. Road rage is a very
broad topic and a search on it brought up many many web matches. What also makes it easier is that the search
engine brings up the title of the web match and the phrases in that web match
that contain the words one is searching for.
These help to make a judgment in whether or not one wants to view it’s
full contents.
2)
Shoppers Rival Drivers
for Worst ‘Rage’
A) Shopping rage materializes in several
forms. It can be one shopper having
uncontrolled anger toward shopper or a shopper displaying that same behavior
toward an employee or the other way around, an employee displaying uncontrolled
anger toward a shopper. This article
touches on all three types of shopping rage that are “as prevalent in our
society as road rage and air rage — and just as ugly.” There are reports of customers taking their
anger out on salespeople because the customer cannot find what they want. The opposite is true as well. There are also reports of some salespeople
being rude and very inappropriate toward customers who are do not provoke the salespeople
in any way.
Between
shopper shopping rage happens when shoppers are standing in line and one is or
is perceived to be cutting in line or people are impatiently standing so close
in line that personal space is being intruded on. It also happens when two people want the same item and there is
only one. One theory is that people go
into a “hunting mode” and become territorial when they go bargain
shopping. They don’t want other
shoppers to find the spoils that they might find. Another theory presented is that shopping rage is “a symptom of
the real disease — stress.” People are
bogged down and tired by stress and they feel that they have no control over
their lives, so the stress arises when shopping breaks the camel’s back. "It looks like they are angry about
what is happening there, but it's really just the final straw."
B) My initial reaction to reading this article was that I could relate
to some of the shopping experiences being described. When I go shopping, especially to a place like Ross Dress for Less,
I do feel like I am hunting for a bargain, a functional item at just the right
low price. Clothes are organized by
size, but not usually by color or designer, so one is searching through items
looking for something. From the time I
walk into Ross’ I can feel the competitiveness in the air. I have entered aisles and been glanced at
with a look that read, “What are you doing in my aisle.” Several times I have been looking at one
article of clothing and have another shopper stand so close to me, as to
intimidate me from buying it.
Shopping rage, as well
as other forms of rage like road rage, interests me because it doesn’t lead to
anything good. For example, if I were
to rant and swear at someone who is cutting in line, what would I accomplish? I would make the others in the store
uncomfortable, I would look crazy, and then I would feel ashamed for my
actions. There would also be the
potential of having the situation escalate, depending on how that person
decides to respond. If I would have instead
asserted to the person that the line starts here it would have relieved the
others standing in line, saved the salespeople some stress, and I would not end
up behaving or feeling foolish.
C) This
article described some examples of shopping rage and why it does happen. Both theories of explanation are
plausible. One being that people become
territorial when bargain shopping and the other shoppers are responding to
built up stress that might not even be related to shopping. While these theories may explain why
shopping rage happens, they do not justify it happening. These theories put the blame on either an
ingrained sense of protecting territory or mounting stress. This article gives people who have committed
shopping rage, justification. “Oh,
Nancy sarcastically berated the salesperson, must be stress. Poor girl.”
I do not believe that this is right.
The
author of this article missed the point of choices. One of the theorists alluded to it when she said, “In most cases
[when dealing with shopping rage] one should just be quietly assertive, but
around a person who is out of control you need to back off. You just don't know these days when people
are going to pull out a gun and shoot you." It may be impossible to avoid shopping rage all together, but one
can make a choice that can determine the outcome of a shopping rage
situation. Do you shoot back with a
smart remark and risk taking the situation to a point where you life may be in
jeopardy, or do you back off and end the situation there?
D) I
came across this article on shopping rage while searching for customer service
rage. I really wanted to find something
on customer service rage because I am very picky when it comes to customer
service especially when there is a tip involved. To me bad service equals no tip, not even the minimum. I’ve never attacked or yelled at someone who
has given me bad service. I think that
it is because there is a way for me to express dissatisfaction with the service
and that is through the amount of tip that I leave. While searching for such experiences using a search engine, I
could not find a thing related to this topic that I feel so strongly about, so
I settled on searching for shopping rage.
Once
I changed the goal of my search and switched to shopping rage, it was easy to
find an article related to the new topic.
I just looked through the list that was provided by the search engine
and found this article with little difficulty.
A) The article states that desk rage happens when
“Stressed-out employees
act out their angst.” It also goes on
to separate stress from distress stating that “Some stress is good, distress is
destructive.” The author attributes
desk rage to job insecurity due to recent rash of corporate downsizing. Job insecurity has lead to longer hours,
less vacation time, and heavier workloads for the employees who want to keep
their job. Less employees lead to a
greater workload and greater stress for those remaining. Desk rage is also caused by stress from new
technology like e-mail, pagers, and cell phones that are supposed to make work
easier.
Some signs that stress is about to get out
of control in an employee are: constant
complaining, escalating irritability, decreased morale, sleep and eating
pattern changes, and social isolation.
The article stresses the importance of identifying and dealing with
these signs early on because internalizing this stress can lead to self-destructive
behaviors and acts of violence. The
author suggests several tactics to prevent desk rage. One of them is to remember the big picture, that work is only a
part of life and it shouldn’t overshadow other parts life family. Several other ones are to put a limit on
work hours and to not to be afraid to talk to your supervisor
B) Initially,
this item was very informative. I felt
that it would be helpful as an introduction to desk rage and things that could
be done to prevent it from happening.
The
title, “Taming Desk Rage” is what caught my attention. From it, I gathered that it would present
suggestions that both employers and employees could do to preclude desk rage
from materializing.
C) I
agree that there are things that an employee can do to prevent desk rage from
happening, by examining the stress that he/she is going through and take steps
to limit that stress. But I also
believe that some responsibility in preventing desk rage should be placed on
the employer and fellow employees as well.
The article stated that heavy workloads and long hours cause stress that
if internalized, may lead to desk rage.
It was then suggested that the employee should put a limit on their work
hours. How can this happen in reality
when work hours are dependent on workload, which is determined by the employer. Putting a limit on work hours is not
necessarily in the hands of the employee.
Fellow
employees can also play a role in observing their co-workers’ behaviors. This can be helpful especially when the
people going through stress and nearing a breaking point will not necessarily
see it for themselves. Sometimes it
takes an outside and unbiased observer.
Is it asking a lot for people to feel responsibility for those around
them? I don’t think so, especially when
their lives may be in jeopardy.
D) Articles
on Desk Rage are not difficult to find.
Using a search engine, one enters the words “desk” and “rage” and
several thousand articles related to the phrase will appear.
What
are hard to find are articles that are in depth and provide all sides of the
issue.
4)
Surviving
Elder Rage: Persevering as a Caregiver
A) Elder rage is described as “the anger and frustration
that can build up between a caregiver and a patient” and lead to “emotional and
physical attacks.” Elder rage is a two
way street. An elderly person who is
unwilling to give up independence can direct it toward a caregiver. It can be very frustrating when one finds
oneself “trying to hold onto control but, losing it.” It can also be the other way around where caregivers direct it
toward an elderly person in their care.
It can happen when families find themselves taking care of their elders and
become frustrated because they are unprepared emotionally and in knowledge.
One
way of overcoming frustration from the point of view of the caretaker is for
the caretaker to find a support group and a community resource. A support group can help a caretaker get
through tough times and a community resource can provide the elderly with
specific activities in which they can participate. Also if an elderly person were suffering from a specific
condition such as Alzheimer’s, it would be helpful for the caretaker to be well
educated on that condition. That way,
he/she will know what to expect and better manage a person with that condition.
There
was also a stress on not focusing on the negative that can become overwhelming
when working with the ageing. It is
important for the caretaker to not to feel overburdened and not to focus on
“the demise of the loved one.” Instead,
it is suggested that one should think about the life that is there and to think
about the positive things that that person has brought to one’s life.
B) It
is very sad that this kind of rage exists, but it does. Once again, it was the title, “Surviving
Elder Rage: Persevering as a
Caregiver,” that caught my interest.
Obviously from the title I could tell that the article dealt with a very
sensitive and serious problem, but the title also expressed that this problem
could be triumphed over. Personally, I
am only interested in reading an article about problems if it will lead to a
way of solving that problem. How can
one discuss a problem without discussing its solutions?
This
item also interested me because my family is not getting any younger and this
concern will become my concern. Whether
or not I take care of my parents in their own home, in my home, or at a
“nursing” home, this issue is important to me because my family is the most
important thing to me. I do take it
very personally. My parents created me
and have brought me up in the best manner possible. My family has been there for me in ways only a family can be
there for me. They loved me when I was
at my worst. It is with gratitude that
I am determined to see that my family is treated with love and respect until
the end of time.
C) In
my opinion, the article was good, but it wasn’t enough. It did not confront the elder abuse that
goes on in many nursing homes across the US.
It did not talk about the stress that goes on in those facilities and
what can be done about it. Things that
I think can happen in those facilities are better background check ups and
better training.
It
is useful as an introduction to elder rage and some things that can be done to
prevent it from happening and/or reoccurring.
It is comforting to know that getting frustrated is okay. It is acting on this frustration that is
wrong.
D) I
found this article while looking for other types of rage that I was not
familiar about. I typed in the word
“rage” and this article was in the list of sites and pages that contained the
word rage.
This
article was not difficult to find. It
did take a little longer than other searches because I was not sure of what
type of rage I was looking for.
A) This is an account
of Internet rage between “Gertrude” and Heidi in a newsgroup devoted to Furby,
as told by an unidentified person.
Heidi posted a message regarding all the Furbys that she is drowning in
and at the end of her posting; she provided a link to her review of Furby at
Epinions.com. It seems that Gertrude
took offense to Heidi’s posting because she posted a message which included the
following lines, “How uh, fascinating :::yawn::: to read a review of a toy
that's been out for TWO YEARS. Maybe you can review Barbie for us, now!
:::snicker:::.” She then signed off
with, “Gertrude <--- thinks people who post at epinions really think others
actually CARE what they write about!“
Heidi considered it Gertrude’s loss and responded with those sentiments.
Several
exchanges ensued between Gertrude and Heidi.
At first, Gertrude accused Heidi of running a scam to make money. Heidi responded that she posts links to
Epinions.com because her intention is to “enrich that community,” not to make
money. Gertrude forcefully responded
that Heidi should just come out in the open and admit that she is in it for the
money. In that same posting, Gertrude
mocks Heidi because she only gets paid 3 cents per click to her review. It is then clarified by Heidi that she only
gets paid that amount when a member of Epinions clicks to her review and she
suggests that Gertrude read the site again.
Clearly Heidi has made her point.
Gertrude
is not done. She does take Heidi’s
suggestion to read the site again and she finds Heidi in violation of the User
Agreement and she reports Heidi. Heidi
may have been issued a citation for her violation or her use of the site may
have been terminated. At this point the
writer interjects in the article that Gertrude may be “making a mountain out a molehill.” Epinions investigated the report and found
in favor of Heidi.
In
the conclusion of the item, the writer calls Gertrude a bully and attributes
behavior to being a “corporate drone” and insecurity. The writer also states “Road Rage is far more dangerous than
Internet Rage. But it isn't pleasant for others to deal with a person who's
suffering from Internet Rage.” The
writer has had some painful experiences with bullies in the past. She also goes on to write that if she ever
sees Gertrude at FAO Schwarz in New York where in New York City, she will “kick
her ass out of the store” and “kick her like a soccer ball down Fifth Avenue,”
then “Gertrude would know what it's like to be on the other side of an
unexpected attack from someone she doesn't even know.”
B) What
caught my eye about this item was that it was an actual account of Internet
rage and not a report on it. My initial
reaction to this item was that I could not believe that people someone would
use the Internet to pick a fight over something so miniscule with someone that
they don’t know. It seemed like
“Gertrude” was attacking Heidi for the sake of provoking her on any thing that
she could think of. Even when Heidi
justified the first accusation that Gertrude brought up, Gertrude actually went
back to the Epinions site to find something else to accuse Heidi of. Where does the woman find the time and the
energy to do this?
What
also interested me was that the author of this item seemed biased toward
Heidi. From the beginning of the
article, she had nothing good to say about Gertrude, calling her a “ruthless
bitch.” It is understandable since the
author has a past of being bullied, but it does tarnish the article. I question if her past experiences got in
the way of presenting a well-rounded view of the whole situation. This item seems to be a personal attack on
someone and not a presentation of a concern.
C) My
final opinion of this article of an account of Internet rage is that it turned
into Internet rage itself. I am not sure
if this was the author’s intention or not.
The author seemed to be opposed to the Internet rage of Gertrude, but
she ended up creating a page full of Internet rage. Using the Internet to disgrace someone by calling them a
“ruthless bitch” and then threatening to “kick her ass like a soccer ball”
sounds like Internet rage to me. In my
opinion, the author has stooped to the level of Gertrude and become a bully
herself. It seems like she took this
situation a little to personally to be able to present it in an appropriate
manner. Her threats in the end turned
me off totally.
What
this whole item turned out to be is not right.
I do not agree with how the author chose to present her concern about
Internet rage. It may seem like she
stood up for Heidi, but in the end she looked like the foolish one. It seemed like Heidi was able to handle
Gertrude’s postings well enough on her own.
At times Heidi seemed to get sarcastic, but she was able to hold her
ground and in the end she proved herself to be correct. Because of personal reasons, the author took
it upon herself to use this situation for her personal need to fight back to
bullying. The author should take some
of her own advice, “being a bully doesn't get you anywhere in the long run.”
D) I
found this item while searching on the Internet. I used the search words “internet” and “rage.”
It
was not very difficult to find because there are so many articles in this topic
and I was not looking for a specific title.
It helps to be open-minded about what you want to find.
Conclusion
As I have found on the Internet,
many different types of rages exist.
What is significant to me is that people seem to be so willing to act on
their rage with no regard for where they are or to whom their rage is being
expressed. Four out of the five types
of rage that I covered occur in public places and the other type, elder rage
happens to those who tend to be vulnerable.
The findings of this research are very astonishing.
This research was useful for me
because in realizing all the types of rage that exist, I was moved to evaluate
my own expressions of rage. I assessed
how I expressed my rage as well as what triggered rage and what I could do
prevent it from coming out. I hope that
this presentation will evoke the same thoughts and actions in you, the reader.
A lot of the articles described
the different types of rage, suggested several triggers, and offered
alternative behaviors to rage. The
information is out there, if one wants to learn about a certain type of behavior
and what can be done to change it. One
thing that might help is the creation of a “Reformed Rager” support chat group
where people can discuss their struggles and successes with rage and received
support, suggestions, and encouragement.
Reference Section
www.aloha.net/~dyc/articles/hawaii.htm
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,54971,00.html
http://public.bcm.tmc.edu/pa/deskrage.htm
www.alzheimersupport.com/library/showarticle.cfm/ID/1684/e/1/T/Alzheimers
www.twistedunicorn.com/livejournal/2000/november2.html
How
Men and Women Handle Relationships Differently
Introduction
Men and women are
different. But just because two things are
seen as being different, it does not make one better than the other and
tehrefore a discussion on these differences should not jeopardize the movement
of equality between men and women. So
why discuss it? What good can come
about talking about differences? Don’t
differences lead to arguments and problems, especially in relationships? I agree, differences do tend to lead to
arguments and problems, but understanding that differences do exist and knowing
what those differences are can lead to an appreciation of both persons in a
relationship.
The following is the culmanation
of my journey through research on how men and women hanle relationships
differently.
1) It’s a Guy
Thiing: How Your Gender Differences Can
Build a Stronger Marriage
A) This is an account of how a woman came to
understand the different perspectives her and her husband have. With this understanding she proposes that
her marriage with her husband has become stronger. The author, Leslie Parrot, first realized these differences
during the honeymoon when her husband caught the 24 hour flu and locked himself
in the bedroom away from her. This
caused doubts about her marriage to surface because she was “locked out of his
suffering and feeling terribly dejected.”
After he recovered, she got the ill and he responded by leaving her in a
room alone to suffer. Doubts about
their marriage resurfaced because he did not respond with the comfort and
sensitivity she wanted.
During her first year of
marriage she realized that she had a ”lack of understanding” in “a fundamental
difference between men and women.”
According to a book that she read by John Gray, this fundamental
difference between men and women lies in how men and women handle stress
differently. According to Gray, Men
become withdrawn and focused when faced with stress. Women on the other hand, become “overwhelmed and emotionally
involved.” Once Parrot understood this
she realized that leaving her alone during their honeymoon was a “gift a space
not because he didn’t care about [her], but because he cared so much.” She came to the conclusion that she had
“interpreted his style of caring for cruelty.
Also during their marriage, Parrot
realized another fundamental difference between men and women. Men and women are motivated to do things by
different goals. That is, Men tend to
be achievement oriented while women tend to focus on the experience. For example, when they were not married, her
husband used to do romantic things for her that changed after their
marriage. She began to think that she
was doing something wrong and that her husband was having doubts about the
marriage. But what she did not realize
was that although she enjoyed romance for the experience of romance, Les had
already achieved his goal (marriage) and was no longer motivated to be
romantic.
By the time of their one-year
anniversary, Parrot had come to terms with the gender differences that existed
in their marriage. Instead of trying to
eliminate them, she decided to work with the fundamental differences. During their one-year anniversary they went
back to the place of their honeymoon where they packed a picnic and proceeded
on a three hour drive to the site. She
looked forward to the ride their because she thought that it would be romantic
and they could use the time to talk. He
had brought a lecture on tape to listen to during the drive. Instead of become insecure, she decided to
use her understanding of differences between gender. She opened herself up to his learning experience and became
“inspired by his strength of determination” instead.
B) Initially,
it was the title of this article that caught my interest. People who have differences don’t usually
get along and it is expected that they usually won’t. So, when the title of the article says that differences can be
used in a positive way to build a relationship, that is pretty novel and thus,
interesting. Also, an article about
differences usually states the differences, possible explanations of those
differences, and a feeling that the only way to deal with them is to accept
them. From reading this article, I
believed that it would lead me to a more productive way of dealing with
differences in gender.
When I first read this article,
I was very disappointed because it portrayed the woman as doing all the work
for the marriage. She did the research
to understand what was going on in the relationship, she approached her husband
about her concerns, and when he didn’t want to talk about it because it made
him feel “like he was failing as a husband,” she did all the adjusting. She came to understand that her needs are
different from what her husband needs.
If he should get sick again, she’ll understand that he needs his space
and not to take it personally. But if
she should get sick, will he understand that she needs him there to comfort her
or will she once again have to be the understanding one and know that he is
giving her what he would have wanted?
I believe that a happy marriage
is the work of two people together, learning to adjust to each other. It is two people, not one person. If one person is left doing all the work of
adjusting to make the other happy, when does that person get to be treated the
way they would like and be happy? It is
unfair and it is unloving of the other person.
It’s like one is sowing the seeds and the other one is reaping the
benefits. Unless her husband begins to
adjust to the things that maker her happy, I do not believe she will be able to
sustain her own happiness in the long run.
People enter relationships whether it is a friendship, dating, marriage,
or even in business because there is something they need from that person. A relationship does have something to do
with dependence.
C) This
article is flat out not right. It does
bring light to the differences that do exist in the ways men and women handle
relationships. Men tend to become
withdrawn from their partner when faced with stress and women tend to want to
discuss their stress with their partner.
But just because a man does not want to discuss a difficulty, it doesn’t
mean that a woman who wants to discuss it should comply with what a man is
normally prone to do. Parrot does just
that. She wants to talk about it, but
her husband doesn’t, so she deals with it on her own. Parrot’s example encourages women and girls to accept all the
responsibility in a relationship.
Parrot’s husband did not want to
talk about her concerns in their marriage.
I find that very disrespectful and unloving. He did not want to talk about it because it made him feel
insecure? A very selfish action. All he can think about is himself and not
how his actions are affecting his wife.
Does he not feel responsible for her happiness? I understand men tend to be achievement
oriented. So then, his only goal must
have been marriage and not to make her happy since his romantic side (that made
her happy) vanished after he got married.
The title
gives men a way out when they behave in certain ways that lead women to
question their commitment to the relationship.
It’s a guy thing. That’s why I
act the way I do. What is this supposed
to mean? It’s a guy thing, women, so
deal with it. So what if what men do
make you unhappy and insecure? This is
a slap in the face for all women.
D) I
found this article while searching on the Internet. I used the search words “differences, men, women, relationships”
while using a search engine.
It was not
difficult to find this article on a search engine.
2) Understanding
the Differences Between Men and Women
A) According to the author, Michael G. Connor,
“the vision of equality between the sexes” maximizes similarities while
minimizing differences and in doing so, “the possibilities for discovery of what truly exists within a man and
within a woman.” Recognizing the
differences that exist between men and women do not make one group better or
worse than the other. Instead, both
groups should be considered equal in spite of their differences. The author goes on to say that psychological
differences “can profoundly influence how we form and maintain relationships
that can range from work and friendships to marriage and parenting.”
Understanding the differences between
men and women is key to avoiding difficulty in a long-term relationship. Connor proposes that difficulties surface
when “we expect or assume
the opposite sex should think, feel or act the way we do.” Men and women are not from different
planets. Rather, they have different
experiences and therefore they will think, feel, and act differently. This article describes the differences that
exist between men and women in the areas of problem solving, thinking, memory,
and sensitivity.
Men and women tackle problems with
similar goals in mind, but use different methods. Connor used the example of a maze. Males will “tend
to search and explore using structured links and a chain of command,” while
women will “tend to elicit discussion and employ ‘collective intelligence’”
when finding their way out of the maze.
As thinkers, Connor describes women as “intuitive global thinkers,”
view[ing] elements in a task as interconnected and interdependent.” Men on the other hand tend to “take a linear
or sequential perspective” and “come to understand and consider problems one
piece at a time.”
Women’s memories are elicited by
emotion. They are “very adept at recalling information, events or
experiences in which there is a common emotional theme.” Men tend to reconstruct their memories in
terms of elements and “experiences that are associated with competition or
physical activities are more easily recalled.”
Women are secure in a relationship that provides ”communication,
dialogue and intimate sharing of experience, emotional content and personal
perspectives.” To a man, a solid
relationship constitutes shared activities and experiences. Understanding where men and women come from
can lead to a deeper relationship.
B) Again, the title of this article caught my
eye. I was searching for something
regarding how men and women handle relationships differently, but I also wanted
to understand something about these differences that could lead to something
greater. Most articles related to this
topic just state the differences. I
think that it shouldn’t just end at men and women are different, period. I believe that from understanding
differences, men and women can take a great step forward in forming solid happy
relationships. The title of the article
led me to believe that it would lead to something enlightening.
Initially I
felt that this article did a good job at explaining differences between men and
women in thinking, problem solving, memory, and sensitivity. What I also liked is that the author
emphasizes that recognizing differences between men and women does not validate
inequality between the two sexes.
Instead accepting and understanding differences may lead to greater
understanding and solidity in a relationship.
C) My opinion is that the article got off on a good
start with explaining the problem of focusing on equality between men and women
and ignoring existing differences.
Mainly that ignoring differences is ignoring conflicts that do exist
between men and women, leaving them unresolved. The author seemed to suggest that bringing differences out into
the open for understanding and acceptance would lead to men accepting women for
their differences and women accepting men for their differences and then to
compromise.
At the end
of the article the author seems to contradict himself. He states that “the task that faces men and
women is to learn to accept their differences, avoid taking their differences
as personal attempts to frustrate each other, and to compromise whenever
possible.” Makes sense to me. But later on in the same paragraph, he
writes that “a man or women could act in consideration of the other’s needs,
but this would not necessarily be rewarding and honest.” Acting in consideration of the another’s
needs sounds like compromise to me. At
one point he says that a man and a woman should compromise in a relationship,
but then he says that it is not rewarding and dishonest.
At the end
of the same paragraph, he writes about the importance of not being “the source
of distress and disappointment in the lives of people we love.” At this point I am very frustrated. So should we compromise or should we not
compromise? I don’t get it. Personally, I think that both the man and
the woman should compromise in a loving solid relationship. Both should be willing to accept and
understand differences and make compromises for each other. Now in making compromises, one should not
compromise oneself or expect the other to compromise their self. Love is also about respect. I could not respect and therefore love
someone who is willing to compromise his or her morals to make me happy.
D) I found this thought provoking article while doing
a search with a search engine on the Internet.
I used the words “men,” “women,” “relationships,” and
“differences.” I did have to search
through the list and it did take some time, but it was not a lot of effort.
I wouldn’t say
that it was difficult to find the article because of the popularity of the
topic and that it is a broad topic.
3)
What
Motivates the Opposite Sex
A) This article suggests that understanding
the differences in motivational needs between men and women will lead to better
communication between the two groups and stronger relationships. These differences were taken from a book
entitled, “Single Men are Like Waffles, Single Women are Like Spaghetti.”
Men tend to separate the different
areas of their lives like family, work, and friends and prefer to deal with
them one at a time. For women, these
areas tend to overlap and they tend to take a multi tasker approach handling
more than one area of their life at one time.
Men like things to be straightforward and uncomplicated. Women prefer to look at things from
different angles and discussing findings.
Finally, women seek security and men
seek success. This is reflected in what
they look for in relationships. Women
seek partners who will demonstrate sincere caring in the form of spending time
and money on them. They also look for a
man who will support them in affirming their qualities. Men seek a woman who
will admire them and not expect unrealistic things of them. Men also want someone who will ask their
opinion and not question what he has to say.
The author emphasizes that men and
women have differences that need to be understood and that they “need to realize that relationships require risks to
share their lives in sacrificial ways, and pray for the courage to do so.
B) Initially I felt that this article was fair. It did present difference in motivational
needs of men and women, which is what the title indicated, but it did not go
into detail about the importance of what understanding these differences could
bring about and it did not discuss how an understanding of how these
differences could be practiced. I would
label this item informative, but not practical.
It also
seemed like this article was an advertisement for the book “Single Men are Like
Waffles, Single Women are Like Spaghetti.”
By providing some information, stating only the differences, this item
leaves the reader wanting more. Where
is the reader to go for a more in depth explanation of differences between men
and women or a practical standpoint?
Well, buy the book. This item
about what motivates the opposite sex seems to be an enticement, a motivation
to go buy the book.
C) I do not agree with the point blank statement that
men seek success and that women seek security.
I interpreted it as only men are success oriented and women do not seek
success in what they do. First of all,
if men were success oriented, then wouldn’t they be more willing to take an
active responsibility in their relationships to insure success? I think women tend to be success oriented,
especially when it comes to relationships.
Their want for communication of thoughts and feelings with their partner
“speaks” to their commitment to being successful in relationships as well as in
other areas in their life. Success
maybe defined differently by men and women.
Also, by only stating that men seek success implies that they do not
seek security. This is contradicted in
the article when it states that when men pursue a romantic relationship, “they
seek partners who will admire them” and “ask their opinion.” Men seek women who will validate their
success, making them feel secure in their abilities. Men do seek security, as well as women.
If this article was meant to motivate someone to buy the book, it did
not work. After a more in depth look at
the item, I would neither buy the book nor would I recommend this book to
someone.
D) I found this article using a search engine on the
Internet and the words “male,” “female,” “differences,” “relationships.”
Although it was not difficult to find, it did take some time because
this is a subject that I am not used to looking up on the Internet.
4)
Are There Sex Differences
in Dating
A) The Author, Jennifer Barrata, writes about the differences between
men and women in several areas. The
first one is how men attract women and how women attract men. The second one is what women look for in a
man and what men look for in a woman.
Finally the author discusses the reasons why men and women date.
The two sexes
attract each other with a type of gaze called “copulatory.” Although both men and women use the same gaze,
they express the gaze differently. For
a man, this gaze, having a length of two to three seconds, is meant to
demonstrate interest in a woman. In
order to attract a woman, a man will also puff out his chest and boast about
his accomplishments, prestige, and wealth.
Women, on the other hand, accentuate their gaze with make-up and they
also prefer to appear thinner.
A woman looks
for a man with the characteristics of dependability, ambition, intelligence,
and generosity. Good health, love, and
commitment are also important for a woman who is looking for a man. She also wants a man who will give her
empathy and not advice. When a man is
looking for a woman, he seeks mainly physical characteristics like, good
health, clear skin, good teeth, and thin.
Also, a man prefers a woman who will keep their relationship, their
business. He does not prefer for a
woman to gossip to her friends regarding their relationship.
The article
states that men can either be ‘DADS’ or ‘CADS.’ A man who is considered to be a part of the ‘DADS’ group provides for his mate and their
offspring. Those men who are a part of
the ’CADS’ group “work at maximizing sexual access to a large number of
mates." Most men tend to remain in
this category until they are sure they have found a woman they can spend
forever with. Women, on the other
hand, “tend to date men who they think
would make a good mate and eventually a good father.”
B) What
caught my interest about this article was that the author’s statements were
backed by references. It also showed
that the author had done her research in trying to understand differences
between men and women. I also liked
that the article was short and concise.
My initial
reaction was that the article seemed very factual and dry. As I read it, it seemed to formalize
intimate relationships when I would not relate this type of relationship to
being formal. The author also stated
many facts, but did not go into possible theories like why would a man want to
flaunt his prestige to a woman and why would a woman want to appear thinner in
trying to attract a man?
C) A
man flaunting his physical strength and wealth may attract a woman, but how
does he plan on keeping her? Physical
strength fades with time and money does not buy happiness. It may buy the woman, but it does not buy
lasting happiness. Even for the woman,
youth, beauty, and being thin may attract a man, but how does she go about
keeping him? Youth and beauty fade with
time and being thin is usually not an option after having kids. The author proposes that men and women are
attracted by superficial characteristics in their search for a deeper
relationship of commitment. I would
have like to have read a treatment of what makes a man decide to commit himself
fully to a woman and what does the same for a woman.
I also don’t
agree with how the author divides men into two groups and women are grouped
into one group when discussing the reasons why men and women date. Why is it that a man has two reasons for
dating and a woman only has one? It is
as if there is an excuse for men to sleep around and there is no reason for
women to do the same. A man has good
reason to sleep with as many women as he wants to and there is no reason why a
woman should do the same. Double
standard? Also, by giving men a way out
from becoming committed to one woman, this theory sheds doubt on the ability of
men to commit. Some men are ‘DADS,’ but
most are ‘CADS.’
D) I
found this article by doing an advanced search while using a search
engine. I used the words “men,”
“women,” “relationship,” and “differences.”
This search
did take a while because I attempted a regular search before trying an advanced
search, so it took some time. I also
came across articles and/or items that I had already looked at. Although finding the article did take some
time, it was not very difficult. It
would have helped if there were a way to mark articles/items that I had already
looked at so that they would not show up again.
A) This
article is a rebuttal to “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: A Practical
Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your
Relationships” by Dr. John Gray. The
author proposes that Dr. Gray’s perspective is sexist and biased toward men
because he implies that “men have instinctive behaviors that propel
them to realize an active and self-motivated reality for themselves” and that
“women, on the other hand, fulfill an instinctive directive to satisfy
passive roles in society.” Men by
instinct are active and women by instinct are passive.
Dr. Gray
presents the needs of men and women as “wonderful ways to express love to your
partner,” such as women need respect, validation, and reassurance and men need
appreciation, approval, and encouragement.
In his definitions of the needs, men are portrayed as actively doing
things while women are passive, thinking and feeling. For example, in his definition of validation, “A man's validating attitude confirms a woman's right to feel the way she does." In his definition for approval, “She acknowledges the goodness in a man and expresses
overall satisfaction with him.” Men are characterized as always active by confirming while women
are characterized as passive by accepting.
The point of
active/passive comes up again when Dr. Gray reveals mistakes that men and women
commonly make. A mistake that women
make is that “she corrects his behavior
and tells him what to do as if he were a child” and a mistake that men make is
that “He minimizes the importance of
her feelings.”
Dr. Gray notes that “Any attempt to change him is unsupportive and
counterproductive” and he discourages women from attempting to do so, which the
author interprets as telling a woman to keep her opinions to herself. As for a woman’s feelings, Dr. Gray says,
“her feelings don't always make sense right away, but they're still valid and
need empathy" and as long as she feels heard and understood she will
continue to meet the needs of her man.
The author
also writes about two assumptions that Dr. Gray makes which she describes as
irresponsible. The first assumption is
that “it is women who are wanting all of these changes.” Dr. Gray seems to ignore the daily instances
of men who want women to change, to lose weight, to dress differently, to do
things differently, to be differently.
The second assumption is that the Dr. Gray’s advice “doesn't allow for
dangerous behaviors or addictions,” that it reinforces domestic violence and
compulsions. By suggesting that it is a
mistake for a woman to speak up to change the man in her life, it gives men an
excuse to ignore her and continue in his behavior.
B) What
caught my interest about this article was that it was a rebuttal to the
acclaimed “Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus.” I have heard only positive things about this book and its author,
but I have always suspected that it was to good to be true. So when this article came up in my search,
it was in my interest to hear an opposing opinion.
Initially, I
thought the author just had it in for Dr. Gray. The strength of her views rang so clearly through her writing
that I could not tell if it was the disgust directed personally toward Dr. Gray
or towards the subject matter. As I
read on and saw how she supported her interpretation of his writing, I
understood that she strongly disagreed with Dr. Gray’s understanding of the
differences between men and women. I
began to see his underlying description how men should be active and women
should be passive.
C) I
found this article very useful because it presented an opposing view to what
has become popular. It is always better
to hear the other side of the story, so as to construct a more informed
opinion.
I agree with
the author that Dr. Gray’s understanding of differences between men and women
is sexist and biased toward men. The
ideal relationship in his eyes would be one in which the woman passively
accepts and approves everything a man does, not voicing her opinion and she
does not expect more than what he is willing to give to her. This is an ideal relationship for a man
because there are no expectations placed on the man. They are all placed on the woman. She is to accept all that he does, it’s okay for her to have an
opinion, but she expected to not voice it, and above all, she is expected to
not expect.
Dr. Gray does
tell men that they make the mistake of not listening, meaning that a man should
listen when his partner is talking to him.
But then he contradicts himself by saying that when a woman “feels heard
and understood, and the more she is able to give a man the loving trust,
acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he
needs." He is telling men that
they don’t need to understand what a woman is saying. It’s okay to fake it. As
long as the woman thinks you understand, you’ll get your needs met. Is this about men and women or just about
men? I agree with the author of the
article. How did Dr. Gray get to be so
widely accepted?
I am glad
that this person took it upon herself to publish her rebuttal to Dr. Gray on
the Internet so that other people may read it and look at his ideas
differently. I can understand how a
reader may get caught up in his manipulation of words and not see his
underlying beliefs. This article melts
the sugar coating away.
D) This
article was not very difficult to find.
It just took some time and the help of an advanced search option provided
by the search engine. Like I suggested
earlier, it would make things faster if there were a way to skip those sites
that I had already viewed.
Searching the
Internet is not difficult. The
information is out there and it is only a matter of having the time to look
through the thousands of sites that can come up when doing a search. The web could stand better organization,
although I don’t have any suggestions at the moment.
Conclusion
Before
I started this research, I believed that men and women did handle relationships
differently because the fact remains that men are different from women. After completing the research, I am
confused. There are so many different
perspectives formed from intertwined fact and interpretation that it becomes
difficult to separate the two. But the
point remains that differences between how men and women handle relationships
do exist.
I thought
doing research on this topic would be useful in overcoming these differences. Sometimes, in order to solve a problem
caused by opposing standpoints, it helps to start with understanding the
different views. But when there are so
many possible interpretations of differences, it’s difficult to know which one
is the one to go with. It would then be
up to the individual to decide.
What could be
the next step in this process of digging deeper in the information world? Once the individual has decided what stance
to take, one could use the information world to find out how to put an
understanding of differences between men in women into practice. There may be sites on this topic or a search
engine could lead one to a book on this topic.
Putting this understanding into practice could lead to not only better
love relationships for that person, but also other personal as well as work
relationships.
Reference
Section
http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/6m3/6m3016.html
www.oregoncounseling.org/ArticlesPapers/Documents/DifferencesMenwomen.htm
http://www.crosswalk.com/1148802.html
www.theallengroup.com/Fr_baratta.html
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/women_rebuttal_from_uranus/well4.htm
