Records |
I used a memo pad to briefly record my thoughts and feelings while I was doing Activity 1 (Barnes & Noble).Ź Activity 2 (painting) was done in my room which I would type my thoughts and feelings while I experiencing them.Ź Though the are not completely accurate and may be subject to hyperbole or dulled-down, I believe that they are fairly accurate in describing what was happening.Ź These are the same records I put in my original report, but this time itās isolated for easier reading.
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Date: April 15, 2002 (Monday) Time: 6:00p-9:00p Place: Barnes & Noble (Kahala Mall) Activity 1: Going to Barnes & Noble |
Today I went to Barnes & Noble. I intend to do my
homework there in the caf area, but what usually happens is that I start
brooding over something. This week in my Psy 100 labs I have to lecture
about Freudian theory. I thought Iād polish up my Freudian knowledge by
reading a short, 120 page book called ćFreud for Beginners.ä I never
actually realized how much I like Freud, even though I fundamentally
disagree with him. I donāt think sexual desire and frustration is the
root of our personality and who we become as adults. I think, and this is
coming from a maleās perspective, that itās the will to power. You can
easily see my Nietzchism coming through on thisone, and can probably guess that
I agree more with Jung and Adler than with Freud. I donāt believe in the
Oedipus Complex, Id, Ego, and Super Ego. I like the Defense Mechanism
idea though. But really, as children all we really know about the world
is that there is a dominant party and a submissive party. I want to
become the dominant party. We go to college to become dominant, but most
of us end up being submissive, because we all submit to our professors.
Professors are the policemen of the mind.
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Date: April 15, 2002 (Monday)Time: 11:00p-2:00aPlace: Bedroom
Activity 2: Painting |
Painting is my absolute favorite thing to do. In fact, I
think of it as my personal past-time, a measuring stick of my personal
history. Whenever I think back to high-school times, I donāt remember it
in how years has past, but how many paintings have past. ćOh yeah, I
remember that girl I had a crush on· that was.·7 paintings ago. That means
I was a junior in high school.ä
Painting also provides me with another opportunity to think about
the day. Though instead of thinking of off-the-wall ćintellectualä
bullshit like I do Barnes & Noble, I tend to ćbroodä over my social
interactions with people that happened during the day. Now, I usually
think about this girl Iām infatuated with. Sheās in one of my classes that I
have only on Wednesdays, so I only get to see her once a week. Her name,
for anonymity sakeās, is ćVenus.ä
You ever look at yourself. I mean, really, stand and look
at yourself in the mirror. Try once, just try and stare at your
image. In the mirror. Itās a trip. You can see yourself from
the eyes of other people. Like youāre a stranger on a bench watching
yourself walk by. Sometimes, I stare in to my own eyes and think, ćI am a
male..ä I think deeply, allowing myself to be swallowed by my dark,
hallow, eyes. ćI am a black male·and that· just· f***ing sucks!ä
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Date: April 17, 2002 (Wednesday)Time: 7:00p-10:00pPlace: Barnes
& Noble (Kahala Mall) Activity 1: Barnes & Noble |
I just finished this book called ćThe Idiots Guide to Near Death
Experiences.ä It has descriptions of what the afterlife was like to
people who were pronounced clinically dead, sometimes for up to an hour.
Some people report a light, or a tunnel, but most people experience completely
different scenarios. Most of them are pleasant and heavenly, and a few of
them are terrifying. The type of after life I hope to experience is like
how Lester Burnham described it in the ending of ćAmerican Beauty.äI really
started to think about death and life and what the whole point of all this
bullshit really is. I mean, what if I die tomorrow?! Itās not likely but
it could happen. I should live as though everyday was my last day alive,
because someday I will be right.
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Date: April 17, 2002 (Wednesday)Time: 12:00a-2:00aPlace:
Bedroom Activity 2: Painting |
I borrowed this movie called ćAfterlife,ä which is a series of
nostalgic, warm stories of a group of everyday people. It opens at what
looks like a train station blanketed with a heavy fog. This is the
way-station the souls of the dead are taken to, right when they die, before
being taken to the eternity beyond. They spend a week at the way-station
where they each watch the significant moments of lives over again, in the form
of a movie, and then have to choose one moment to relive for an eternity.
This is the only life Iāll have. Iām wasting minutes!Ź Iām wasting days! Next Wednesday, I am going
to talk to Venus. Iām not going to waste this moment in my life that has
her in it!
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Date: April 19, 2002 (Friday)Time: 3:00p-6:00pPlace: Barnes
& Noble (Kahala Mall)Activity 1: Barnes & Noble |
I was sitting in the caf section trying to do homework, but my
mind started wandering around, watching people converse, sip cappuccinos, and
blankly read magazines. It all seemed sort of· sad and miserable.
Are we really having fun? Is sitting in this stale, boring bookstore,
doing the assignments given to us by our masterās, fun? Hell no!
What we need is a revolution! We are animals, no matter how much we try to
hide that with our clothes. But we try to act like machines, like a
straight line instead of the organic curve. We worship cleanliness and
orderliness. We should all strip off our clothes and start having sex
wherever we feel like. A dog acts like a dog. A pig acts like a
pig. Humans should act like humans, not humanoids!
Revolution!
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Date: April 19, 2002 (Friday)Time: 11:00p-2:00aPlace: Bedroom
Activity 2: Painting |
I painted a little bit, but all I could really do was think about
Venus. Sometimes I think about her so much I canāt concentrate on
anything else, not even sleeping when Iām trying to go to sleep. I keep
analyzing every single encounter Iāve had with her and coming up with the
conclusion that sheās ultimately trying to avoid me and that I wouldnāt have a
chance to date her anyway. But then again, Iāve given her the same
treatment. Iāve avoided all eye-contact with her, and would suddenly turn
directions if she and I are about to cross-paths. This compounds the
situation, since she thinks Iām the one whoās rejecting her, when Iām
not. Itās just I have this shyness problem! And this problem is
taking a toll on my life that I canāt afford! AUGH!
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Date: April 22, 2002 (Monday)Time: 7:00p-10:00pPlace: Barnes
& Noble (Kahala Mall) Activity 1: Barnes & Noble |
Today I sat down next to a couple who were having a conversation
about the guy sitting a couple of tables down. Apparently, this guy had
about half a dozen books sprawled over his table, which seemed to be random,
but historically significant subjects. I only glanced over my shoulder to
see what they were talking about, and saw a disheveled, homeless man looking
intently at a book about a the atomic bomb. He got up and walked away
from his table for a while. I got up a few minutes later, walked past the
mans table, and saw a large note the read: ćNostradomus & FBI
connected?ä
The couple got in at discussion about whither that guy is
schizophrenic, or maybe he has things figured out and everyone else is
insane. The woman blurts out, ćI donāt know· itās all relative.ä I donāt
think all things can be relative. If everythingās relative, thereās no
absolutes. If thereās no absolutes, thereās no good and evil. If
thereās no good and evil, thereās no such thing as ethics. If thereās no
ethics, then thereās going to be a whole lot of murdering and raping.
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Date: April 22, 2002 (Monday)Time: 11:00p-2:00aPlace: Bedroom
Activity 2: Painting |
I canāt paint. All I can think about is Venus. I had
several opportunities to introduce myself, but Ichickened out every time.
I donāt know why I do this. Itās like, the more I like a girl, the more
Iāmconvinced she would never like me. This is not psychologically healthy.
IĪve been doing this foryears (ignoring girls I like), ever since I was in
junior high school. Maybe I should go to counseling?No, all I need to do
is to just talk to her. So why is it so hard for me to just say
ćhi.ä What if shedoes like me, and is waiting for me to say something to
her? But in all probability, she doesnāt like me,in fact she
probably thinks Iām creepy. Why would she ever like me? She
probably gets asked out every
weekend by buff, handsome, smart guys. Iām neither of
those.
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Date: April 25, 2002 ThursdayTime: 7:00p-10:00pPlace: Barnes
& Noble (Kahala Mall) Activity 1: Barnes & Noble |
As usual I went to Barnes & Noble, but something
extraordinary happened! A girl from the Psi Chi Clubthat Iām in came
walking by. Normally, I wouldnāt have said anything to her because I
think sheās reallycute and would never have anything to do with me. But
after reading about death and brooding over how Iāmwasting away my life in
needless isolation, something miraculous happened. I waved to her.
This is the first time in years that I attempted to get the
attention of a girl (overtly at least). Andshe actually came over!
Her name is ćMs. So-and-So,ä and I see her quite often in Barnes &
Noble. Wetalked a little about the book that I was reading, because she
happened to have read it too. Ourconversation didnāt last more than 3
minutes, but it was the start of a major, internal transformation.
Afundamental ćlawä that I invented for myself to live by (donāt talk to cute
girls) was exposed as the
ridiculous faculty contributing to my unhappiness.
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Date: April 25, 2002 ThursdayTime: 11:00p-2:00aPlace: Bedroom
Activity
2: Painting |
I painted a lot today! I even got more creative ideas on how to
make the suits of armor on the soldiers tolook more dramatic and detailed (itĪs a
war scene). I also decided to throw in some hot-looking femalewarriors
and strategists too. I think Iāll make each female character look eerily
similar to a girl I oncehad a crush on! Thatās a great idea! Also,
I should get some books on Chinese and European castles to addsome authenticity
of the architecture in the background castles. A book on trees should
also helpwith the painting in the trees that are surrounding the castles.
Iām still not sure how Iām going to getthe waterfall and the moat to look
realistic. I want to put ripples in the waves of the moat, and paint
thewaterfall in such a way that you can see how hard and fast itās pouring
down, instead of it looking like astream of water going over a cliff. Iām
going to paint in each individual blade of grass, and then putdebris in the
grass, like dead leaves, fallen fruits, wind effects, and foot imprints!
Itāll take me at
least a year to do it, but itāll look f-in cool!
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Date: April 26, 2002 (Friday)Time: 5:00p-8:00pPlace: Barnes
& Noble (Kahala Mall) Activity 1: Barnes & Noble |
Today is the Induction Dinner for Psi-Chi, and the girl I have a
humongous crush on, Venus, is over thereright now. Why am I not there you
might ask? Well· I donāt know why. I just didnāt go. I donāt
know why Idecided to purposely miss the Induction Dinner, even though I really
wanted to go, but I just did.
I know why Iām not there. Itās because thereās a no. 2
personality trait that I have that said I shouldnātgo. This no. 2 persona
living inside of me wants me dead. It is the evil side of my personality,
thatwants self-destruction and is emotionally masochist. This side, whom Iāll
call ćAtlas,ä has been ruling mefor years. Atlas has made me look away
from opportunities that would lead to happiness, andinstead choose roads that
would make me miserable. Atlas is the reason why Iām not at the induction
dinner, talking to Venus.
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Date: April 26, 2002 (Friday)Time: 8:00p-6:00aPlace: BedroomActivity
2: Painting |
I tried to paint, but again all I could think about was Venus
and how I missed a golden opportunity tointroduce myself. I hate Atlas,
for what heās done and what heās doing. This is it. Missing
theInduction Dinner was worse than missing my high school proms.
You need me, you injured thought. Yes, I am Atlas, and
without me you have nothing to claim to your life. Igive your life
meaning. And your self-inflicted suffering is the highest claim anyone
can ever have.You have much self-inflicted suffering, and therefore you see
more sharply. I have made your eyes lessdull, by making you seek out
whatās beyond your own, insignificant ćhappiness.ä What is happiness
anyway?Without Atlas, the essence of what counts in life is lost.
Unrequited love is the highest, nay, the onlytype of love. Everything
else is not love. Atlas makes you feel and see to itās fullest, and too
bad,
because you also see that life is short, brutal, and reality
rules with grandiosity.