A
Review of Dr. Deborah Tannen’s
“Talking
from 9 to 5”
(Avon
Books, 1994)
May 1, 2003
Dr. Tannen’s book “Talking From 9 to
5” is about women and men in the workplace.
This book focuses on the ways in which men and women communicate, the
conversational rituals, and the language barriers in the workplace. This book will hopefully promote more positive
and productive professional relationships among men and women.
I will identify what I thought to be
major topics of this book by defining and explaining them. This report will enable you to better
understand women and men in the workplace.
You will gain some necessary skills to use in your life in and outside
of the workplace
Topic #1 Negotiating Styles (Chap. 1, p.29, 32-34)
Negotiation occurs when someone has
different ideas than you. Negotiation
affects decision-making. Decisions must
be made everyday. When two people with
different styles have to make decisions together, both styles may have worse
results. There may be better results in
reaching decisions when the differences are understood and accommodated.
There are two approaches to negotiation. Negotiation that proceeds from the inside
and work its way out hears a vague question as an invitation to decide. Someone who tends to negotiate from the
outside in hears a specific claim as nonnegotiable. When you talk to someone whose style is similar to yours, you can
usually predict the response you are going to get. When you hear the reaction that’s not expected, it will often
make you regret what you just said.
Everyone has a different style of
negotiation. Some are very persuasive
and some are not. Differences in ways
of speaking may affect the cause for the salary gap. Males usually made higher demands of raises than females. Females need to learn good negotiation
tactics to be able to close the salary gap between men and women. Women are challenged when put in positions
of authority. Women are expected to
lack in authority. When she seems
certain and in charge, she will more than likely be disliked.
Topic #2 Saying “I’m Sorry” When You’re Not (Chap.
2, p.44-51)
Apologizing is one conversational
ritual that can cause trouble at work.
Sometimes an apology is just not called for. An apology may be an automatic conversational smoother. Unfortunately apologies may be seen as
self-deprecating. Sometimes when you
speak in a tone of self-deprecation, it may be heard as an apology even with
out the words “Sorry”. Apologizing is
seen as putting oneself down.
An apology isn’t always literally an
apology. It may be a ritual way of
restoring balance to a conversation.
Saying “I’m Sorry” can be an expression of understanding and caring
about the other person’s feelings rather than an apology. Apologizing is simply expressing regret that
something happened with out taking or assigning blame.
An apology is a two-step
ritual. You say “I’m Sorry” and take
half the blame and the other person takes the other half by reassuring you that
it wasn’t your fault. An apology is
seen as accepting responsibility for something that went wrong. Ritual sharing of blame in response to an
apology is a mutual face-saving device.
When both parties can admit fault and share the blame, they are seen as
equals.
When apologies are not taken
ritually, this can lead to resentment from the ritual apologizer. If your apology misfired in attempting to
achieve balance, you are put in a one-down position. Ritual apologies work fine when both parties share assumptions
about their use. People who use ritual
apologies when others don’t may end up taking the blame for mishaps that
weren’t their faults.
There are cultural and gender
influences on how people use apologies.
Women apologize the most to other women and a lot fewer to men. Men apologize very few to other men and
slightly more to women. Frequent
apologies may create negative impressions of that person who is
apologizing. Many women use ritual
apologies, therefore women are expected to apologize more. Women who don’t often engage in ritual
apologies may be seen as hard-edged.
There is no best way to communicate.
Communication is effective depending on whether the person you are
speaking to has the same communication style as you. Another effective method is when you are able to adjust your
communication style to the styles of others.
Topic #3 Marked Women in the Workplace (Chap. 4,
p.107-119)
Women are seen as being “Marked” in
the workplace. Everyday women have to
decide about their clothing, hairstyle, makeup, and accessories. Every style carries a meaning to a woman. Women don’t really have the option of being
unmarked. Men are unmarked. Men usually choose styles that are not
marked. In the workplace, men usually
have limited choices for their outfits and hairstyles.
There is no unmarked woman. A woman’s hairstyle and clothing may say a
lot about who she is. If a woman has no
particular style, it may be seen as if she doesn’t care about how she
looks. This can disqualify a woman for
many positions. No makeup at all is
anything but unmarked. Wearing makeup
may be seen as a hostile refusal to please men or a sign of laziness.
Whatever a woman wears, whatever she
calls herself, however she talks can all be interpreted about her character and
competence. Women’s presence in
professional roles are often marked.
Women are expected to fill support roles. Women are seen as better suited to be receptionists, clerks, and
secretaries. Women typically are seen
to fill support roles. Every women are
seen in a sense as a receptionist being always available to give information
and help. Comprehensive training and
awareness are needed to make the workplace world a better place to live in to
understand and appreciate differences.
We must continually remind ourselves
that the world is changing. Today women
have stared adversity straight in the face to achieve their desired
success. Women can hold her own in the
workplace and also raise a family.
Women have definitely come a long way, but there is still a need for
improvement. Hopefully one day women
and men are like equals in the workplace world.
Topic #4 Presenting Your Work & Yourself (Chap.
5, p.148-150)
Women may mask their true competence
when they are judged on their performance.
Executives and high-level managers will be influenced by the little
exposure they have had to the people they are judging. Knowing a lot doesn’t automatically transfer
into showing what you know. Women are
usually at a disadvantage when it comes to formal presentations.
Boys have been forced to endure the
challenges of public speaking. Most
girls get penalized by other girls when they try to stand out and call
attention to themselves in an obvious way.
The act of public speaking was unthinkable for women not so long
ago. Physically attractive women may be
seen by men as dangerous. Women who
make public presentations are more open than men to be challenged or even
attacked. Women need to learn how to
deal effectively with public challenges.
The women’s public speaking styles
may be more successful in a private-speaking sort of way, whereas men may be
more successful in a more public-speaking setting. Both women and men must learn to recognize how to handle
situations in order to get recognition for the work they do. Women tend to seem like they are talking to
their friends in a living room during a public speech. Women tend to laugh with their audience when
they make jokes. Men tend to not laugh
and they try to keep a straight face.
Most women do not like to stand out in the crowd. Women feel a responsibility towards a
group. Men feel they need to seem
superior to others in a group.
Knowing people in a higher place may
help one to get a job. This may work
against women when the people doing the hiring are men. There are fundamental differences in the way
we act. Understanding our differences
will only help in making things better.
Understanding how we talk can help us to make adjustments to our
conversational styles and our behaviors.
Topic #5 The Indeterminacy of Language (Chap. 8,
p.272-273)
There are always a potential source of confusion and misunderstanding when people try to work together. We expect language to be clear-cut, so that we can feel in control of our messages. Conversational-style differences can be confusing and frustrating. Ways of talking may be offensive to some and not to others. A good example may be sexist jokes in which most men may find humorous, but many women may not.
Topic #6 Understanding Conversational Styles at
Work (Chap. 9, p.307-309)
Problems arise when people’s styles differ. Women’s conversational styles usually will put them in a one-down position. Not boasting, not making an effort to hide your errors or ignorance, and engaging in rituals where you seem to take blame when it’s not necessary can work against the speaker when the others are not observing the same rituals. Women’s contributions are usually ignored, whole men’s thoughts and inputs bring the group to life. Men make more suggestions that are heard. Men are also usually more dominant in conversations. Unfortunately women who are more assertive are seen as more aggressive.
We rarely think that the behavior we
dislike in others may be a result of a reaction to something we ourselves said
or did. We tend to see our own behavior
as reactive and others as absolute. We
look for explanations in their psychological makeup or background. In order to get a desired reaction, you may
want to try talking differently.
We must be aware that conversational
styles differ. Others may get very
different impressions of our own abilities and intentions than we think. It is important not to take ways of speaking
too literally. Talking is a
ritual. Learning to understand the
rituals will make it easier to understand the outcomes of a conversation. Those who stand their ground in an argument
are more likely to get their way.
People perceive ways of talking to
be who you are. One’s speaking style
may show the world your character and your worth. Those who speak up in one setting are not necessarily talkative
in others. Women are concerned with
relationships rather than the tasks at hand.
There may also be cultural differences in conversational styles. We should learn to be flexible when
attempting to understand different communication styles. Men and women may interact more as equals
when the floor is handed to them. When
there is a “free-for-all” and several talked at once, men and women talked
equally.
An important key in interpreting how others
mean what they say and in evaluating others’ abilities is to understand the
parameters of conversational style.
This understanding will also enable you to be more flexible in your own
way of speaking. Understanding
conversational styles can improve communication and get more work done not only
in the workplace, but in all aspects of life.
Additional Thoughts:
This book’s significance focuses on
women and men in the workplace and conflicts that arise from different
communication styles. Women and men
have different ways of expressing themselves in the workplace. There are also conflicts in communication
among a supervisor and its subordinates.
This book emphasizes conversational rituals and teaches you how to
recognize them.
This book also teaches you how to
recognize verbal power games, the language barriers we unintentionally erect,
and the miscommunication that cause good work to be under-appreciated or go
unnoticed. This book is essential to
promote more positive and productive professional relationships among men and
women.
There are different approaches to
negotiation. If you are trying to
negotiate with someone who has a different negotiation style as you, this will
put you in a disadvantage. It’s not
necessarily about whose judgment was best in decision-making, but whose arguing
strategies were the most effective.
Apologizing is a conversational
ritual that may cause trouble at work.
Women may apologize just as an automatic conversational smoother in
conversations. An apology may be
mistakenly seen as self-deprecating.
Apologizing seems synonymous with putting oneself down, but for many
women and some men it’s not. Some
people may see it as a ritual way of restoring balance to a conversation. We must learn more about ritual apologies
and see it as a mutual face-saving device.
It is important to learn diplomacy
as well as how to be assertive in the workplace. Another important key to success in the workplace is
flexibility. We must learn to face
challenges, but understand that there are alternatives in dealing with the
challenges. We must learn more about
cultural, personality, and gender differences in communication.
There are no exercises and tests in
this book. I think it would be more
helpful to have exercises and tests in the book to assess different aspects of
your communication styles. I would also
like to see more personalized advice for varied styles of communication
problems or conversational rituals.
There are also no tables nor
diagrams. Tables and diagrams would
definitely be helpful in making things clear.
The index at the end of the book offers readers a detailed guide of
references which makes it easier to find information in the book. There is a notes section that provides
information on where that source is to be found along with the quotes and a
further explanation of the quotes. In
the references section at the end of the book, the references are listed
alphabetically by author.
Each chapter had a good title and
each chapter is broken down to different sections by varying topics. Overall I though that this book could be
better organized because there were no exercises or tests and tables or
diagrams. The data gathered from
research should be updated every now and then, so the readers will be better
informed about the conflicts in the workplace today.
This book has a few good quotes that
I liked. One particular one was “Actual
authority has to be negotiated day-to-day, moment-to-moment.” I agree with this quote. In the workplace you need to adapt to
different communication styles depending on to whom you are speaking to. There is an interactional power which
results from the ways of talking and institutional power which is provided by
rank.
Reading this book has taught me how to
better conduct myself in the workplace.
As a women, I realized how we are “marked” in the workplace. I feel empowered to learn from my mistakes
in the workplace and learn more on how to communicate more effectively to
others.
I have also learned more about
conversational rituals and gender and cultural differences. This book has made me open my eyes and see
how we can all learn to be more assertive in the workplace. We must continually remind ourselves that
the world is changing, and established norms are changing as well.
This book has taught me the value of effective communication at work. Hopefully we will gain the skills needed to work well with one another and improve society for the better. It has taught me how to bring authority to my conversational styles. I learned more about conversational rituals and language barriers that can cause conflict and misunderstandings at work. This book is definitely an essential tool for promoting more positive and productive relationships among men and women in the workplace.