His attitude drives me crazy! Even before taking this course, I would try to reason with him and try to make him see that his thoughts and actions were irrational. Nothing seemed to work. Throughout the semester I have been coming home and talking to him about some of the issues we have talked about in class. I have a lot more insight into his way of thinking and I believe I have made some headway, but there is still a long road ahead of us.
DAY 1: I decided to start on a day on which we drove to Waikele so that we would have as much exposure to traffic as possible. The freeway is where Don has most of his trouble. Once we hit the freeway in Kahala it seemed we were suddenly transported to the Indy 500 race track. According to Don, the cars in the right lane were moving too slow even though we were all traveling at approximately 65 m.p.h. I thought he spent too much time looking in his rear view mirror and commenting on what people were doing a few cars behind us. I said he should concentrate on what is going on ahead of us, but he thought he was being a defensive driver by being aware of what was going on in back of us as well. I agree- to a certain extent.
At one point he became angry when the driver in front of us was going too slow and the lane next to us did not have a space for him to move into. He became very agitated and began tailgating the vehicle in front of him. When I mentioned the fact that he was tailgating, he said he wanted to try to make the guy move over. I asked him how he expected the guy to move into the lane next to us when he could not do so himself. My question made him stop and think for a moment and then he let up on the gas pedal.
Don tried to explain to me (from his demented, male point of view) that driving on a freeway was like being on a battlefield (never mind that he has never been on a battlefield), and that it is every man for himself (I'm not sure where women fit into this scenario). One must be aggressive to get where they want to go. If they are not aggressive, they will be slaughtered by those around them. I thought this explanation was ridiculous, and was a cop-out. I think guys have just used the analogy as a rationale and a convenient excuse to vent their anger whenever they want, thus gaining a false sense of control and manliness.
DAY 2: I knew this was going to be an interesting day. I was going to able to see if any of my ideas I had talked about the previous day had gotten through to Don. I tried to impress upon him the importance of figuring out what he was feeling and why when he became angry over the actions of another driver. I also mentioned again that he cannot blame others for his feelings. He has complete control over how he allows himself to feel. I think this was the hardest thing for him to accept. We are all conditioned to believe that it is other people's actions which are responsible for the way we feel (causal misattribution).
The second day was much better. Don was much more aware of his feelings and actions during the second trip. He also made every effort to make sure that he did not get upset about the actions of other drivers. I tried to make him understand that he could not read hateful motives into the actions of the drivers around him. I wanted him to understand that perhaps the drivers were not paying attention when they accidentally swerved, or they did not see him until it was too late as they moved into his lane in front of him. There could be any number of reasons why another driver does what he does- none of which have anything to do with them wanting to harm the drivers around them.
I think one of the most important things Don needs to work on is his defensiveness while driving. In order to do that he must realize his feelings are inappropriate. He admits that some of his past actions have been wrong, and that he has over reacted , but I am not sure he wants to work on a daily basis to analyze his feelings and actions. He resists change because he feels it takes too much time and effort. He is into instant gratification.
In order to change one's driving personality, one must do a lot of soul searching. In the process, many issues may come up which we have consciously or unconsciously tried to avoid. We may feel very vulnerable. Nobody wants to feel vulnerable. I think
that is why Don does not want to deal with his driving personality on more than a superficial level.
Every action has a specific feeling attached to it; anger, insecurity, happiness, etc. These feelings will determine whether the action that is performed is constructive or destructive. We must train ourselves to understand the role which the cycle of
feelings, thoughts and actions plays in our driving habits. Analyzing
behavior is much more difficult for men, in my opinion. They are not
taught to understand their feelings- they just feel. No thought need go
into their actions. This can be a very difficult cycle to break. There
certainly are no easy answers.
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