Please note:

This is the Fall 2005 version.
The corrected, updated, and expanded Spring 2007 version is here:

    www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy26/409b-g26-lecture-notes.htm

 

 

 

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University of Hawaii, Fall 2005, Psychology 409b

Seminar on The Unity Model of Marriage

Dr. Leon James, Instructor

The web address of this document is:
    www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy23/409b-g23-lecture-notes.htm

 

TOGETHER IN ETERNITY

The Unity Model of Marriage

Every Day I'm Yours More and More

Lecture Notes Version 6b

 

By Dr. Leon James and Dr. Diane Nahl

University of Hawaii

 

Sections

 

1.    Introduction

2.    The Individual's Threefold Self

3.    Three Levels of Unity in the Marriage Relationship

4.    Unity Through Reciprocity and Differentiation

5.     Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction
6.    Unity Model in Marriage: Ennead Chart of Growth Steps

7.    Table 1b and 1c

8.    Table 1d

9.    Male Dominance Model of Marriage

10.    Sexual Blackmail?

11.    Mental Abuse?

12.    Developing mental intimacy with one's wife?

13.    The Spiritual Dimension to the Unity Model

14.    Making Field Observations

15.    Tables 2 and 3

16.    Table 4

17.    Table 5

18.    Tables 6 and 7a

19.    Tables 7b and 7c

20.    Tables 8 and 9

 

Reading List and References

 

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Section 1. Introduction

 

This seminar on gender relations in marriage will give you the opportunity to examine gender behavior in the context of marriage by identifying the sub-components of gender habits in men and women within the three domains of behavior: affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor.

 

The purpose of the course is to give you an opportunity to examine in detail the "unity model" of marriage proposed here, which focuses on the instructor's current research and thinking on marriage and gender relations. The model is influenced by the Writings of Swedenborg (1688-1772), in particular his book Conjugial Love (sometimes translated Marriage Love) (1768), available online: www.swedenborgdigitallibrary.org/CL/clintro.htm  or else here:

        www.theheavenlydoctrines.org/static/d6295/1.htm

 

The overall model we will focus on is the idea that a man and a woman can form a special and unique relationship in marriage in which they can become unified at all three levels of the threefold self--in sensory-motor behavior, in thinking operations, and in feeling states. But there are barriers or resistances to overcome with each level of the unification or conjoining process. The first level of unity is sensorimotor and involves what the couple do together externally or socially and enjoy together. The second level is cognitive, involving how they each think and whether they agree in definitions and beliefs. The third and deepest level is affective, and it involves what they feel and what they are motivated to achieve, whether for instance, they are willing to make the husband or wife the most important element in their life.

 

This is a research seminar focusing on a specific approach to marriage. It is not a survey of various theories and approaches on gender behavior and marriage. I am presenting a model based on 18th century writer E. Swedenborg (1688-1772). The articles in the Reading List include his articles as well as contemporary articles written by people interested in Swedenborg's Writings. We will also review the research studies of linguist Deborah Tannen on gender differences in discourse or talk, and the views of Dr. Laura Schlessinger, well known radio therapist, through one of her popular books.

 

You will be publishing two reports on the Web this semester as part of your contribution to the generational curriculum on marriage (report 2) and on information literacy (report 1).  Thousands of people who navigate the Web find these generational student reports through Web search engines when they are looking for topics on marriage or information literacy. Your contribution will contribute to improving your ability to analyze and understand the relationships you experience, and your style of coping with new information literacy skills. You are also making a contribution to future students who will be reading your reports, and to the public at large. Your research, observations, and conclusions will be beneficial to others who will read your reports in the ensuing years. Long after you're no longer a student, your generational reports will still be serving the public.

 

Note on Privacy: Students can use a pseudonym on their reports instead of their real name. Students who publish their reports on the Web can delete their reports after being graded. They can also request to have their reports deleted from the Web after the semester at any time in the future by emailing Dr. James. Usually the request is honored on the same day it is received. Students can also submit their reports in typing, privately to the instructor instead of publishing them on the Web. This will not affect their grade.

 

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Section 2. The Individual's Threefold Self

 

Gender behavior in marriage is defined in this course along three interacting domains called the individual's threefold self. The individual's affective self operates the feelings and motivations we maintain in dating or marriage relationships. The cognitive self operates the thinking and reasoning we do in these relationships. The individual's sensorimotor self operates the sensations, perceptions, and motor acts we perform in gender relationships. The category of "motor acts" includes overt verbal behavior (discourse, talk) and non-linguistic behaviors (expressions, appearance, style). Be aware however that motor acts and talking occur not from themselves but from cognitive acts (our thinking and lifestyle philosophy), and these in turn occur from our affective acts, which are motivations and needs that guide our thinking towards goals. Sensorimotor acts, cognitive acts, and affective acts form a perfect synergy between feelings, thoughts, and actions. This is called the threefold self.

 

In other words, each of us is involved in gender relationships in which we operate along three interconnected domains of behavior. The deepest and most determinative is the affective operation in which we maintain selected motivations and desires in accordance with our primary needs and satisfactions. The affective operations in our mind are the most determinative because they select and guide the other two domains. Affective operations guide and influence the direction of operations in the cognitive self, so that what we think or how we justify things cognitively, is selective and responsive to our affective motives. We entertain a way of thinking that will support and promote our motivations and feelings. Our cognitive behavior adjusts itself to support our affective behavior. The affective and the cognitive domains together select and determine the overt sensorimotor behavior of our overt actions, appearance, words, and styles. What we do and say (=overt gender behavior) is the result of what we think, which is the result of how we feel (what motivates us).

 

Note that we are often more aware of what we think than of how we feel (or what motivates us). In relationships between a man and a woman, women tend to be more aware of their own feelings and motivations than men are aware of their own feelings and motivations. This is because women are more motivated to spend time and focus figuring out how they really feel or what they really want. Women tend also to be more aware of the man's feelings and motivations than the men are of their own feelings and motivations. However, this does not mean that men have less feelings than women, as it is sometimes misrepresented in gender stereotyped thinking.

 

Note well this principle: Both men and women have the same amount of feelings and emotions. This fact can be observed when you analyze how men behave and react to things moment by moment--with surprise, or with anger, or being pleased or displeased, feeling like talking or feeling like keeping quiet, being in a good mood or bad, getting excited when telling a story, picking a fight, feeling resentful, liking something, appreciating something, feeling happy about something, etc. These observations prove that men equally with women have feelings and react with emotions all the time.

 

Emotional reactions and feeling motivations are a necessary part of all thinking and acting. It is not possible to act and react in a conversation or interaction without feelings and motivations being present all the time, and every instant. Nevertheless there are differences between men and women as to how aware or conscious they are of their own feelings and emotions from moment to moment, or of the emotions of the partner. Women tend to specialize in becoming aware of feelings and emotions of their partner. They are motivated to practice more than men in focusing consciously on feelings in gender relationships.

 

This difference in the skill of gender perceptiveness between a man and a woman creates an active gender dynamic in which the woman is motivated to prod her man to become more aware of his and her feelings and motivations. The man tends to resist this "affective prodding" and finds it unpleasant and objectionable. This creates a constant strain on the developing relationship. The woman feels that the man doesn't want to "commit" and is resisting the process of conjunction, thereby maintaining the couple in a state of division and conflict which is not totally satisfying to the woman.

 

Both men and women can gain understanding of the initial oppositeness between the sexes--women striving to conjoin, men resisting the process. The analysis of how men and women talk to each other reveals this dynamic opposition between men and women, as exemplified in the studies reported in our textbook by Deborah Tannen--Gender and Discourse. Analyzing verbal interactions between men and women is a powerful method for bringing out the differences between how they use talk to either oppose each other or to gain deeper intimacy and mutual support.

 

The views of "Dr. Laura" in her book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands presents the point of view that men are in general "simpler creatures" than women, and that a wife needs to treat her husband in a certain way in order to keep him happy and well functioning. This is a different model of marriage than the unity model because it establishes an unequal status between men and women. This point of view puts less of responsibility on the men and more on the women. The wife is told to adjust to this unequal status rather than seek equality or unity.

 

The individual's threefold self in gender relationships is a joint product of biology, socialization, culture, and spiritual make up. As children we acquire the relationship style of our parents, other adults, and the media (TV, movies, songs, magazines, cartoons, commercials). By the time we begin adolescent or adult relationships, we have been exposed to years of stereotyped gender behaviors in all three domains of the threefold self:

(a) exploitative feelings towards the "opposite" sex (affective self),

(b) sexist thoughts that stereotype the other gender (cognitive self),

(c) injurious or hostile actions and words against the partner (sensorimotor self).

These affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor patterns of stereotyped gender behavior create an atmosphere of discord and conflict even as the partners strive to love each other and become a functioning and satisfying unit.

 

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Section 3. Three Levels of Unity in the Marriage Relationship

 

Research and personal observation confirm that most couples report experiencing oppositional or negative feelings, and at times acting upon them by exploiting, abusing, or injuring their partner. When couples have a disagreement or fight, physical and mental abuse is practiced by men more than by women in the majority of societies and cultures. When people reason under the influence of exploitative motivations, they tend to misinterpret the intentions of their partner and tend to use stereotyped, inaccurate, and prejudiced thinking. Our verbal behavior will reflect this style of biased thinking. So will our other actions.

 

There is an advantage in gaining control over our gender behavior in the three domains--affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor. We can avoid those cultural and psychological traits and habits that interfere with adaptive, successful long term marriage relationships. The benefits of a stable successful long term partnership are extremely attractive. We will explore a particular principle in marriage relationship called the conjoint self.

 

According to the "unity" model of marriage, the perfection of unity in a marriage increases through differentiation and reciprocity of behavior in the threefold self of the two partners, and is a spiritual union that lasts to eternity. In a unity marriage, the husband and wife develop a conjoint self, while their former individual self recedes into the background and no longer operates.

 

The unity marriage is not achieved by promise or desire alone. There are developmental levels of unity that married partners must go through with each other, like a growth process that takes many years of dedicated effort. The "conjoint self" refers to a husband and wife who have achieved unity at all levels of the threefold self (as explained below). Each individual has been changed, dropping off some traits and acquiring new ones that can fit together. This is called growing together in reciprocity. The husband has to abandon some traits he cherished since childhood because these habits caused opposition and disunity. The wife has to abandon some traits that she perceives do not fit with her husband's character. Both have to acquire new traits that could fit together as a unit. The old traits that were abandoned and the new traits that were acquired consist of sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective traits in the threefold self. That is: habits of external activities, habits of thinking, and habits of internal feeling.

 

Levels of unity are ordered from external to more and more interior unity, as will be explained below. For instance, an external level of unity between marital partners involves their sensorimotor portion of the threefold self. They like and enjoy to do things together like dancing, touching each other, partying, camping, watching movies, eating out, driving, talking about their favorite topics, and so on. These overt "external" activities involve sensory and motor interactions, including verbal, which is an overt motor activity. Of course every sensorimotor activity involves thinking and feeling but these cognitive and affective operations are not visible, and the focus of the two partners at this stage is on the external activity of the other. There is less focus or concern on what the other is thinking or feeling.

 

Note that these joint external activities do not necessarily mean that the two partners are in agreement with each other's way of thinking, each other's attitudes, or feelings and motivations. The cognitive and affective self of each partner may not be in agreement, and they may even be competitive or hostile to the other. What is on the inside that is not visible (affective and cognitive self) may be in opposition and even hatred against the partner, while what shows on the outside--the sensory-motor activity, may appear harmonious and compatible. This underlying disagreement or dislike becomes visible when there is an overt fight during which the two partners show their anger, resentment, and disrespect for one other. Afterwards they make up, and the cognitive disrespect and affective dislike recede again into the underlying invisible state, lurking there, until the next fight at which time the abuse and disrespect come out again.

 

There is therefore a first level of the conjoint self, and this is external, involving sensorimotor reciprocity and joint achievement, without necessarily there being an interior agreement and respect for the partner. Women, more than men, tend to experience this external phase of the relationship as unsatisfactory, painful, and injurious. Women often have to bond with other women to support and reassure each other during this phase of disharmony with their husband or partner.

 

Men tend to bond with other men by complaining about women and speaking about them with disrespect. They also keep secrets from their women and do things they want to hide from them. Men do this in order to obtain sexual favors. This deception is a method of exploiting women and dehumanizing them. At this external level of unity, men feel more comfortable than women because they exercise more control in the relationship. Men tend to resist closer, more intimate relationship phases, in order to maintain their cognitive and affective independence. A man ordinarily dislikes giving up independence in his private thinking and feeling, while a woman is generally motivated to conjoin her thinking and feeling with her man--if only he lets her. A woman strives to achieve mutual and reciprocal dependence, while a man strives to retain independence. This creates a conflict dynamic between them, especially in the first level of unity which is external, involving the sensorimotor self only.

 

This intrinsic difference between women and men occurs at all levels of their humanity: biological, mental, and spiritual. Biologically, women make themselves dependent on men for reproduction, parenting, and lifestyle habits. Mentally, women love and enjoy the man's intelligence and inventiveness, and adopt his ideas and philosophies as her own. Spiritually, women represent inner wisdom surrounded by external love. Men represent inner love surrounded by external intelligence. Women and men are thus born reciprocals of each other, so they may better fit into a perfect unity.

 

If women and men were similar in these fundamental traits, they could only form external relationships and could never achieve the married state of the conjoint self. Their selves would remain separate because like cannot conjoin with like. Like can be adjoined to like, but only reciprocals can conjoin. For example, think of the shape of reciprocals and how they would not be able to fit together if they were similar instead of reciprocal: pot and handle; key and key hole; shoe and lace; button and button hole, snaps, window and window sill, picture and frame, etc.

 

Couples begin their relationship together by sensorimotor reciprocity: talking to each other, eating, dancing, driving, doing fun things, etc. This is the first level of unity.

 

The second level of unity is deeper in that it involves the cognitive self of the two partners. This includes how they think, how they reason, how they justify things, what they consider acceptable or unacceptable, what information or knowledge they have, what philosophy of life and religion. These cognitive behaviors and habits are more resistant to mutual adaptation and reciprocity in the relationship. For instance, a man and a woman can be married for years and yet maintain contradictory attitudes, beliefs, and judgments. The external sensorimotor level of unity does not necessarily lead to a more interior unity of thinking and reasoning (cognitive habits). Yet many couples achieve a cognitive level unity by joint involvement in running a home and raising children together. They see 'eye to eye' on many things and enrich each other's thinking process by mutual stimulation and interest. When a man and a woman achieve this second level unity, they can love each other more deeply and the relationship continues to grow and become more satisfying and enriching.

 

Achieving cognitive reciprocity is often easier for women because they are mentally oriented towards conjunction. They desire to become a conjoint self more than they desire to retain their own ideas and philosophy. But men generally are in love with their own thinking and ideas and resist change for the sake of the conjoint self. Men see the conjoint self as giving up selfhood while women see it as gaining togetherness.

 

However, when a wife perceives that her husband's thinking is corrupt, she tries to change the man's thinking instead of adopting it for herself. A wife has a keen perception of what is her husband's corrupt thinking, even while he himself is blind to it. This is because spiritually, a woman is inner wisdom covered over with love, while a man is inner love covered over with external intelligence. So a woman perceives more with her inner wisdom while a man with his outward intelligence. Inner wisdom can see corrupted thinking where outward intelligence cannot. Outward intelligence is motivated by sensorimotor goals while inner wisdom is motivated by affective goals. But when the husband's allows his outward intelligence to be influenced by the wife's inner wisdom, his outward intelligence is elevated or made more excellent, so that he too can then perceive corrupt thinking in himself and others.

 

The inmost level of unity involves the partners' affective self -- their feelings, motivations, loves, ultimate goals of happiness and togetherness. Affective reciprocity is the basis of an eternal unity between husband and wife. Only conjoint feelings, loves, desires, or goals are allowed to remain operational in their mind. This is achieved by a systematic and long term effort in reciprocal growth. The partners abandon their feelings, loyalties, goals, or involvements that are not conjoint and exclude the other partner. Affective reciprocity or conjunction would be weakened if one partner reserves an area of their mind or involvement that excludes the other partner. For example, some husbands spend socializing time with male friends. The activity is such that they don't want wives or girl friends around, even if they are not cheating on them or doing something bad. But the fact that a husband's wife is excluded, not wanted there, means that he is retaining independent involvements and loves. These affective habits and enjoyments are not reciprocal. They do not contribute to unity in marriage, but slows the process down or acts against it.

 

However, this principle does not apply to women in the same way. Women have loyalties and friendships with each other for different goals and feelings than men have with each other. The affections and involvements that married women have with other women is for supporting the marriage, not resisting it. Men have an inborn resistance to marital unity which they have to fight against most of their life. Their male friendships that exclude the wife respond to their desire to escape total unity with their wife. This is not so with married women since they have an inborn desire and need for total unity with their husband.

 

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Section 4. Unity Through Reciprocity and Differentiation

 

There are two principles in this model of "conjugial love" described by Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772).

• First Principle--Differentiation:  No part of a woman is like any part of a man and vice versa.
• Second Principle--Reciprocity:  The perfection of unity increases with the diversity of its composing elements.
• Third Principle--Eternity: The unity marriage relationship is eternal, continuing in the afterlife of heaven.

According to the first principle of marital unification the threefold self of men and women are biologically and spiritually different. This is maximum or total differentiation or diversity in every  part. According to the second principle of marital unification, the diversity becomes unified through reciprocity by which the traits of a woman can harmonize or fit together with the traits of a man, and vice versa. According to the third principle, marriage is a spiritual union of mind and spirit that is not just for this world -- "till death do us part," but is eternal, since the spirit of a person is immortal (for more on this topic see the Psych 459, G21 Lecture Notes on Theistic Psychology:  www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic ). 

 

Here are some illustrations of these two principles acting together. Consider where we are familiar with unity through differentiation and reciprocity (though not with eternity). At the physical level we can see how a bolt, nut, and washer work together structurally to achieve a tight grip on some object. The form of the nut must fit exactly the form of the bolt. The bolt is different in form from the nut, and it is the particular way they are different that makes them work together, reciprocally. They would not work together as a unit if there was no differentiation and reciprocity between them. Consider the same principle operating in other functionally related objects like a hammer and nail, or like a purse and its strap, or a fork and knife, or glove and hand, show and foot, etc. When you dance, your partner must make the reciprocal steps -- not the same steps, as you are making, or else you step on each other. In a four-part harmony with men and women, in a quartet or other choir, the singers are differentiated into soprano, alto, tenor, and base. This differentiation is combined into a unity when they sing reciprocally according to the arrangement prescribed for each part. The result is a harmony that is rich and attractive but which cannot be achieved in any other way.

 

In the sensorimotor domain of gender interactions we can see how a woman's body is differentiated from a man's body, and how the parts of the man are shaped to fit the parts of the woman. No doubt this is the analogy upon which electrical objects are designated, as for  instance the wall receptacle is called the female and the plug is called the male. They act together to form a unit through differentiation and reciprocity of physical form or shape. When you consider sports teams, government departments, or armies, you notice a similar reciprocity of different role behaviors, so that they can achieve joint action, unity, or several acting as one. In fact throughout nature, and even the universe, you will find a unified whole made of differentiated parts acting in synergy. It makes sense therefore to have a model of gender unity that is based on the two acting as one through differentiation and reciprocity.

 

 

In other words, it is the differentiation that makes the unity out of reciprocity. The man and the woman as a couple can be totally integrated, or form a unity, because they are completely different but in a way that is reciprocal. Nothing of the male can be like anything of the female (Yin/Yang diagram shows all white vs. all black for the two). But they curve around into each other, in a perfect fit of reciprocal union, the perfect circle. This is the principle of "synergy" which is defined as "combined action or operation." It comes from the Greek "synergos" or  working together. In business "synergism" refers to "a mutually advantageous conjunction or compatibility of distinct business participants or elements (as resources or efforts)" (Merriam-Webster Online). The principle of synergy operates universally where separate elements interact to produce a joint goal. Synergy is obvious in the physical body where thousands of separate and differentiated parts work together to produce the functions of a normal human body.

 

Society is viewed as made of separate and unique family units forming themselves into a community and abiding by mutual norms, laws, and expectations. The same reasoning applies to the marriage relationship which society officially sanctions and licenses. Society recognizes that a married couple forms a new unit that acts together for common goals and are united by positive feelings and loyalties. Married couples who live according to the unity model represent the most perfect unit or a "one" that a man and a woman can form together. Affective unity is the most essential, and it influences the cognitive and sensorimotor unity that is possible for that couple. Unity is achieved through the synergy of the threefold self of each partner acting together. There is no independence in any area or under any circumstance. Even when the two are in physically different locations (e.g., at home vs. at work) they remain united because each partner acts and thinks when alone as if the other were present.

 

A different approach is that of "equity model" in marriage. This idea is transmitted in our socialization process and is part of our culture so that everyone has norms of equity in various areas of living. This is a good thing in public life because it acts to reduce discrimination against women which has been the traditional practice and still is by and large. Gender relationships may start with men assuming traditional dominant roles and women being submissive. But the relationship can then move on to the equity model which helps the two partners by reducing the traditional load of expected work on women and can make their relationship more intimate. But the equity model need not be the last phase. The couple can then move into the unity model which affords still more intimacy.

 

In the unity model there are two possible directions, one valid the other destructive. If equity is given up for unity, which of the two partners should be giving up their equal power under equity? If the woman gives up equity, then the couple falls back into the traditional dominance model they started with in which man dominates woman in socially prescribed ways. On the other hand if the man gives up equity power in decision making, then they move forward to the unity model that leads to greater intimacy, growth, and mutual support. This conclusion will be reviewed in detail in our class discussions throughout the semester.

 

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Section 5. Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction

 

Consider the cognitive and affective domains of gender interaction in marriage. For instance, a wife's depth of perception of a situation (her affective self) contrasts with that of a man's, but the difference is such as to be reciprocal with it. But if the man feels competitive with her, as in the traditional and equity models, their difference in perception is then nonreciprocal, incompatible, or opposite. Similarly, a woman's cognitive self complements that of a man, which is why they find each other's ideas interesting and stimulating. A man ordinarily resists the idea that the woman who loves him has a deeper perception of his feelings and motivations than he has himself. Women have this greater awareness of feelings than men due to the confluence of biology, socialization, experience, interest, and spiritual structure.  Hence the unity through reciprocity model requires that the man give up equity power and give in to the woman's way of understanding. This means that the man would voluntarily agree to let the woman play the lead role in decision making when it comes to their relationship areas.

 

For example, a wife might request that her husband no longer talk to an old girl friend of his. She feels very strongly about it. She perceives it  from within, as if it was instinct. In other words, she may not be able to give a rational explanation of where it comes from or why she feels so strongly about it. She tells her husband all this, yet he rejects it because he thinks differently about it. He feels a certain loyalty to many of his old friends and doesn't want to give that up, especially since she can't explain her demand in a way that makes sense to him. He and his old girl friend do not have any romantic feelings for each other,  so his wife (or current girl friend) should not be jealous. So they argue.

 

This stand off puts a hold on the inward (affective) growth of the relationship. She may not say this to him, and sometimes she may not be clearly aware of it, but within herself she knows that the relationship is not growing deeper. She hopes it can be amended but for now it's like a broken leg you can't use for walking. She feels neutralized by her partner's independent stance. He has excluded her and taken away her right or opportunity to make him change his stand into reciprocity, conjunction, unity, oneness in mind and body. He is keeping an area of his love sealed off to her. He reserves his affectional territory for something in which she has no direct input. She is kept on the outide.

 

This situation can be better understood if we look at it in more detail as to what's going on. In their relationship the man and the woman are interacting at the three levels of the self: sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective. The process of forming a marital unity involves the conjunction of the threefold self of each partner. The sensorimotor self of the man and the woman are conjoined first as shown by the activities they enjoy doing together--eating, playing, embracing, talking. These activities involve mostly the "external" physical self of the partners. It is called external because it is easily visible to them and to others like friends, parents, and neighbors. We can call this phase sensorimotor conjunction. In this phase the man often takes the lead and exerts a dominant role. The woman follows in order to keep the relationship going. Her motive is higher than the man's. His motive is to please himself; her motive is to continue the relationship going to a deeper level.

 

At the same time the cognitive self of the two partners are interacting. At this level of the interaction, the woman takes the lead. She strives to take the man's perspective, to learn his sense of humor, to memorize the details of his life that he reveals, to acquire the reasoning style he uses. Her motive in all this cognitive effort is to harmonize with the man and please him. She understands instinctively, and sometimes explicitly or consciously, that by making him laugh and pleasing him by how she thinks, she will succeed in conjoining the man to herself. The man is normally focused on himself, on his ideas, and he is pleased when she demonstrates that she knows those ideas. He is not thinking of her perspective, while she is constantly trying to analyze his perspective. Obviously, this differential effort and focus gives the woman a superior perception and understanding of the relationship, that is, of the process of conjoining. This cognitive communication of ideas between them can be called cognitive conjunction.

 

Cognitive conjunction is more visible than affective conjunction because it comes out in their agreements or disagreements. Long after sensorimotor conjunction has been established, and after cognitive conjunction has been operating for awhile in the relationship, the woman strives even more intensely to conjoin the man to herself at the affective level. She understands from instinct, and sometimes explicitly or consciously, that the relationship won't be perfect until they achieve affective conjunction. This doesn't just mean saying "I love you" even if it is meant sincerely. Affective conjunction means that the man has aligned his feelings with his woman. In other words he has given up his male prerogatives left to him by society and tradition. Society allows a man to retain affective independence from the woman he is married to. He is expected to provide for her needs, to support her in her endeavors, and to be decent to her. But he is not expected to become dependent on her for his feelings, motives, ambitions. He is expected to lover her and be loyal to her, but not to give up his own independent feelings and strivings. Affective independence is the norm for a man in most societies.

 

In contrast, social and cultural norms require a woman not only to love her mate but to be dependent on him for her feelings and emotions. For example, if she loves Italian food and he hates it, she is expected to give up her old loves and adopt his loves. He expects it and sees it as a sign of loyalty to him. If she complies with this expectation, he feels bonding with her. Note that a man feels bonding or conjunction when the woman becomes dependent on him in her threefold self. But this kind of bonding is not true conjunction and cannot lead to unity.

 

In the region of the heart, woman rises far above the man in perception, understanding, and consciousness. This is the result of her biological, rational, and spiritual nature. Therefore the gender syntax that produces unity involves the husband becoming affectively dependent on the wife. This runs contrary to his socialization and philosophy, so he puts up enormous resistance--that the woman has to overcome if they are going to achieve unity. Both men and women have three natures or levels of operation of life: a biological nature or self, a rational nature or self, and a spiritual nature or self. By the principle of differentiation and reciprocity it is clear that men and women differ in their biological nature, they differ in their rational nature, and they differ in their spiritual nature. Biological differences between them are obvious in the anatomy and appearance of their physical body. Rational differences between men and women result in the reciprocal orientation and focus they each have.  When a man's cognitive focus is reciprocal to the woman's cognitive focus, they can conjoin. To conjoin means that they share parts of it, or all of it.

 

But sharing doesn't mean that they are similar because a man and a woman have different functions for their thinking. A woman might say or think X and a man might say or think X yet they are not thinking the identical thing. A woman uses thinking in the relationship for the purpose of achieving unity because that's the way she defines herself, while a man uses his thinking for the purpose of retaining independence because that's the way he defines himself. He wants her to give up her cognitive independence and think like him. This is impossible for nothing in a man can be like anything in a woman, and vice versa. On the other hand, he can give up his affective independence so that his thinking now responds not just to his own needs and purposes, but to her needs and purposes as well. In this way the man's thinking is elevated to a new level of consciousness, intelligence, and wisdom. But when he refuses to give up his affective independence, his thinking remains where it has always been, unable to achieve the higher levels of his own humanity. It's obvious therefore that "giving up" affective independence is not losing something but gaining a whole new level of life for a man.

 

When a husband is committed to giving up affective independence, he is conjoined to his wife at the inmost or affective level. This is a spiritual conjunction that lasts forever. It has a built in dynamics for dissolving disagreements. Not a single disagreement can arise between them no matter what. This is because they have learned a reciprocal style of interacting at all three levels of the self.

 

Sensorimotor conjunction is the mental state of husband and wife in which their sensations and movements are mutually and reciprocally interdependent. The pleasures they enjoy are connected to making the partner happy. For instance, what the husband enjoys most is to keep his wife feeling comfortable, and her desires or preferences satisfied. Sensorimotor independence exists when the husband insists on his own comforts and pleasures. His focus is then on himself, not his wife. It's common to observe in public couples walking together. More often than not you will see the woman carrying a greater load than the man. Maybe a child and a big bag, while the man has his hands free. Or at airports you see the woman carry two big bags and the man she is with is carrying one bag. These interactions result from the man's sensorimotor independence. Often husbands will satisfy their sexual appetites for years and never care enough to discover anything about his wife's appetites or satisfactions.

 

It helps to contrast clearly the differences between the affective and sensorimotor parts of the threefold self. Often people use the word "feeling" when they mean thinking (cognitive self), and vice versa. For example, people say, "I feel that we should wait longer" when they are discussing what they think. Sometimes feelings (affective) are confused with sensations (sensorimotor). For example, "I feel hot flashes coming on" or "I feel so tired." In both cases it is not the feelings (affective) that are discussed but the sensations (sensorimotor).

 

The sensorimotor area of the threefold self includes these primary features of our everyday life:

• physical pleasures (all five senses), or their opposites

• enjoyable sensations and movements, or their opposites

• mental pleasures and delightful experiences, or their opposites

• healthy well being and feeling good physically, or the opposite

• being physically attracted to someone, or the opposite

• feeling calm, cool, and collected, or the opposite

• coordinating one's movements with partner, or the opposite

• etc.

 

 

The affective area of the threefold self includes these primary features of our everyday life:

• feeling good about the situation, or the opposite

• feeling hesitant or resistant, or the opposite

• feeling afraid or scared, or the opposite

• feeling connected, or the opposite

• striving to reach a goal, or the opposite

• accepting someone or thing, or the opposite

• perceiving (feeling, sensing) from within that something is right and good, or not

• feeling guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, regretful, or not

• etc.

 

Do you get the difference? Note that the affective always comes first in the sequence of our behavior. We do something because we are motivated to do it. We are motivated to do something to achieve a particular goal. Every goal is defined by what we want or desire or prefer to happen. Therefore all human action starts from a feeling -- what we want to happen, together with a goal that satisfies what we want.

 

Once we have a feeling, motive, or particular goal we desire to happen, the next behavior in sequence is the cognitive self. Our thinking operations suddenly begin to figure out a plan or method of proceeding that will bring about the desired goal, and thereby satisfy the feeling. It is the feeling that motivates, guides, and directs the thinking, keeping the sequence of mental operation focused in a coherent way to lead to the goal state. For example, we become aware that we are thinking about the candy bar in our pocket or purse. What made your thoughts go in that direction? It had to be some kind of feeling, like sensing hunger in the stomach (sensorimotor) which became the occasion for a desire to satisfy it. This desire or feeling then awakened our thoughts and memories to think about the candy bar.

 

Once the feeling (desire) and the thinking (candy bar in pocket or purse) are placed together or united, the hand starts reaching for the candy bar or the legs start waking to the kitchen (sensorimotor).

 

But then you stop the hand or the legs. Wait. I'm on a diet and I want to lose weight. Remember? What's happening here? It's another feeling (desire, motive) that takes over and this new feeling now directs the thinking and the moving in another direction.

 

So whatever we do all day long minute by minute, has to do with sequences and loops of feelings, thoughts, and sensorimotor executions of them. By self-witnessing or self-monitoring ourselves in a systematic and persistent way,  we gradually learn to distinguish between the actions of the threefold self and how the affective hierarchy of our feelings dominates and rules our thinking and doing. Most people prior to self-witnessing are not fully aware of the feelings they have and their relative hierarchy of power over the threefold self. What we don't know about ourselves, we cannot control or modify even if they are maladaptive and the source of negative results. It is to everyone's advantage to get to know the hierarchy of feelings they have in the course of their day.

 

 

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Section 6. Unity Model in Marriage:
Ennead Chart of Growth Steps

 

This is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

 

All ennead charts are read from bottom up. This ennead chart ("ennead" = nine), shows that there are nine succeeding phases for achieving unity in marriage. Note that the nine cells are generated when you keep track of what happens to the threefold self of husband and wife as they progress towards unity. It would be very beneficial for you to memorize this chart so you can reproduced it on paper, and then mentally picture it as you think about these issues. Try to make a mental picture of the chart as you read the following explanations. If you make sure you fully understand it, you will be able to use the chart in your everyday thinking about relationships, your own, or those of others.

 

Note that that the changes are conceptualized in relation to the model or philosophy the partners have. The "dominance" model often describes the husband's attitude towards his wife, and this agrees with the prevailing cultural norms in most societies on this earth. Women are socialized to accept this male dominance perspective and many women come to see it as normal, and even good. Some women however, reject it. They demand that the husband switch to the "equity" model, which means that he can't just make decisions by himself for their joint life. They have to consult each other and resolve differences with a consensus with which both can live and feel comfortable.

 

First, the threefold self of the husband and wife must conjoin themselves at the usual dominance level -- zones 1, 2, 3. Then they can grow further together by conjoining their threefold self again, but under the equity model -- zones 4, 5, 6. Many husbands resist the equity model and prefer to go back to the dominance model. But if he changes his mind and adopts the new model for their interactions, then the couple can grow still further towards fully being conjoined in their threefold self. Eventually couples can move into the unity stages -- zones 7, 8, 9. This happens when the husband adopts a new way of interacting with his wife.

 

In the unity model of interaction (zones 7, 8, 9), the husband allows the wife's inner wisdom to lead his own outward intelligence. This must be voluntary on his part and occurs when he becomes spiritually enlightened from a desire to be conjoined eternally to his wife. He is willing to let go of his own self, for the sake of a new self called the conjoint self. With this new self he is no longer independent. He can no longer choose to act on his own. Whatever he does, think, or strive for, he consults his wife first.

 

The husband must therefore acquire an accurate knowledge of his wife's feelings and emotions. Once he has internalized them, he can consult them whenever he acts, decides, or wants something. He is no longer a single self or individual. He is a half-person by himself, and is completed reciprocally by his wife. Together, the husband and wife, make one complete human being. When a couple reaches this spiritual level of union, they are in their eternal conjugial bliss in heaven. This can start while they are in this life, and continue later, in the afterlife.

 

The wife cannot impose the unity model on her husband by means of dominance, intimidation, or persuasion. He can refuse to go along with her whenever he pleases. There are few husbands who are willing to voluntarily subordinate their own outward intelligence to the wife's inner wisdom. It's a model they can achieve only with the husband's willingness to undergo much mental pain and self-denial. But those husbands who are willing to undergo the change, can form a true and perfect reciprocal union with their wife. This is a spiritual state that lasts forever into the afterlife called "heaven." (For more information on this topic, you can consult the 459 Lecture Notes, on the Web at:  www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic

 

The first phase of each model (zones 1, 4, 7) involves the sensorimotor self of the two partners as the central focus of their relationship. Their affective and cognitive self subordinate themselves to the sensorimotor self as a couple. They get along fine and enjoy each other company, but only so long as they retain focus on the sensorimotor level. For instance, they do things together that involve their physical enjoyment and fun--eating, touching, holding, dancing, driving, playing games, watching movies, listening to music, talking, etc., and sometimes, dealing with children and their immediate physical needs.

 

In the dominance model (zones 1, 2, 3), the relationship is governed cognitively by tradition and affectively by reward and punishment. The two partners are only externally conjoined. Their life together as a unique couple centers on what choices they make together at the sensorimotor level (zone 1). Even if they are physically together, they are not together at the cognitive and affective levels of conjoining. They are separated or "disjoined" in their thinking and in their feeling. Their thinking is dictated by tradition and family. Their feeling is governed by being rewarded or punished by the other one, depending on what happens. It is normal in the traditional dominance model for a man and a woman to make love and feel close, then a little while later they can argue about something and express hostility. This proves that they are not united in feeling because when a couple is united in feeling it is impossible for one to express hostility to the other. Hostility separates and destroys internal unity, even if later, it is followed by making up and expressing love. This alternating flip-flop state of love and hostility marks the typical behavior in the dominance and equity models (zones 1 through 6).

 

The equity model is associated with the "modern" outlook that young people in many traditional cultures adopt as a new philosophy of relationship between men and women, thereby taking a step away from the traditional dominance model of their elders. In the equity model of marriage, all responsibilities and duties of husband and wife are shared through negotiation and agreement between each other. This leads to a cognitive level of conjunction between a man and a woman (zone 5), since they have to negotiate by arguments why one partner should do X and Y and the other partner should do A and B. Cognitive unity is gradually achieved through such a process, as long as both partners are sincere rather than just manipulative.

 

While the focus in the dominance level is sensorimotor conjunction (zone 1), the focus in the equity model is cognitive conjunction (zone 5). The equity model is essentially a political power sharing agreement. It tends to create similar ideas and beliefs in the two partners, a similar reasoning process. This cognitive conjunction makes the sensorimotor interaction better than before. They get along better, agree more, can talk it out and influence each other's thinking and decisions. Because of this their sensorimotor interactions (zone 4) are more compatible--they enlarge and diversify their physical activities and enjoyment of each other. But they still argue. The wife still gets abused from time to time when the husband gives himself permission to explode or take a stance that hurts her. The husband still resists and resents the wife's attempt to influence him, to change his traits and habits that she finds are in the way of a still closer relationship.

 

There is one more phase the woman wants and needs--their affective conjunction. This would create unity, for which a woman craves for instinctively, biologically, consciously, knowingly. Nothing less than that can completely fulfill her. The wife has a mental picture of the conjoint self where the focus is on affective and inmost conjunction. She can be free of the fear that any time her husband can jump on her and hurt her feelings. She wants her husband to give in to her inner wisdom in all three domains of the self. She wants her husband to love her affections and wisdom more than he loves his own. In this way she will be first in his mind rather than himself.

 

The wife desires to be first in her husband's mind not because she is selfish and thinking of her comfort or ego. She is thinking of the conjoint self and she wants that true and perfect unity that lasts to eternity. She realizes in her inner wisdom that acquiring a conjoint self is more important for her husband than his way of looking at things. His way of looking at things cannot create an eternal relationship.

 

The third and inmost phase of conjunction achieves affective unity (zone 9) and greatly improves the cognitive and sensorimotor interactions at the same time (zones 7 and 8). Not only are the two partners conjoined in their sensorimotor and cognitive self, but now they at last become conjoined in their affective self--their feelings and motivations. This level of conjunction is not possible without both partners abandoning the prior two models. The focus at this third level must be the affective self, and the other two are then consequences of this inmost conjunction.

 

By abandoning the traditional dominance model (zones 1, 2, 3), the husband no longer sees himself as entitled to being treated in a certain way by the woman. Afterwards, by abandoning the equity model (zones 4, 5, 6), the husband no longer sees equal power and responsibility as a good focus for their relationship. The equity focus leads to disagreements, and even the agreements may not be fully suitable to the woman. Instead the man now adopts a new philosophy or model for their relationship. Note in the chart that zones 1, 5, 9 are bolded. This is the path that represents the progressive growth of the conjoint self. First the engaged or married couple is focusing on their sensorimotor conjunction (zone 1) in the dominance model. Then they focus on cognitive conjunction (zone 5) in the equity model. Finally, they focus on affective conjunction (zone 9) in the unity model.

 

In the unity model, the husband understands rationally that gender unity is based on differentiation of traits that are reciprocal. This is not something to be negotiated about but recognized and lived. The husband begins to see that his affections or loves--what he likes and dislikes, are often incompatible with his wife's affections--what she likes and dislikes. For example, he would like to keep his male friends even after his wife shows her opposition because she doesn't like the influence they have on him, which is to cause a separation between her and her husband. He resists by denying that they are having a bad influence, or by insisting that marriage doesn't mean that everything that came prior must stop, or by accusing her of being over controlling or jealous. By means of these tactics of resistance, the man is able to keep separate from her and remain disjoined at the affective level. Their relationship remains at the equity or traditional dominance level and cannot grow inward.

 

The husband can think rationally about it and figure it out. This is called spiritual enlightenment because he can have this realization only if he thinks of his wife as an eternal partner, not just "until death do us part." He can then decide to give up his affective independence without feeling that he is losing something. He can have the vision or realization that heaven in eternity requires affective conjunction between them. Now the husband has a new rule for himself: he will keep himself from ever disagreeing with her about any of her demands, requests, pleadings, urgings, or expectations. These are all the ways the wife reveals her affections to her husband. He can see rationally that by subordinating his own affections to hers, they can form a unity, which will then greatly enhance their cognitive and sensorimotor conjunction attained previously. Now they will truly be of "one mind" and "one spirit." The husband experiences enormous resistance to this course of action, and it takes years of effort for a man to stop relapsing into the equity or dominance mode of interacting with his wife.

 

The unity model of marriage actually refers to all three models together. No couples start directly at the third level called unity (zones 7, 8, 9). Unity or inner threefold conjunction, is a developmental outcome of prior phases of relationship. Further, a couple often interacts at different levels at different times and in different areas of their relationship. Theoretically it is possible for a couple to be active in all nine zones at different times. But this kind of instability and inconsistency does not allow true inner conjunction or unity. There may be times when the couple reaches a unity level, but it doesn't last. Only when the lower levels of interaction (dominance, equity) are mostly abandoned and no longer occur, can true unity be achieved as a lifestyle and permanent state of eternal happiness and peace. A useful application of the ennead model is to use it as a map for identifying and locating the current levels of interaction between a husband and wife.

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Section 7. This is Table 1b (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

 

Table 1b above identifies the psychological characteristics or "mentality" that creates a preference for one of the three models. The dominance model is called level 1 because it tends to be first in the couple's development. "Corporeal" mentality refers to the style of personality that focuses almost exclusively on physical goals and satisfactions. It is a materialistic outlook, but even more so than the "sensuous" mentality of level 2. The corporeal mentality reflects the level of operation of the threefold self -- our feeling states, our thinking style, and our overt acts and sensations (zones 3, 2, 1). If you inspect the Table you will see how each zone of the ennead is defined by the marginal entries. The by three marginal entries (columns by rows) equals 9 cells or "zones" of interaction between the threefold self and the three levels of human mentality.

 

Let's apply Table 1b to an actual behavioral area in marriage: sexual behavior. In Table 1c below, let's enter a characterization of each of the nine zones of sexual interaction.

 

This is Table 1c  (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

 

In order to understand the chart better replace the characterizations with your own examples of sexual behavior in a couple you know (real or TV). Then do two more on the topic of "money" and "lifestyle."

 

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Section 8. This is Table 1d  (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

 

Table 1d above helps you to distinguish more clearly the kind of relationship that married partners are in when they model their behavior in accordance with the the three levels of mentality.

 

The corporeal mentality of the dominance model (level 1) involves the partners at a general level, thus more distant to each other than the equity or unity models. Husband and wife relate to each other at a general level. It has physical and mental intimacy, but only of the external or outward self -- how one appears to others. Inside, what one actually thinks and feels, may be the opposite. When tradition and family govern or dictate the interaction possibilities between husband and wife, their relationship remains at the general level.

 

But with the equity model (level 2) the married partners can interact at the personal level, independently of tradition and family. They get closer to each other mentally, not just physically. They get to know each other's opinions and preferences and they take turns agreeing with one another as a way of maintaining peace and avoiding warfare. Their relationship is at the personal level and can get more and more personal, but it cannot get to be all encompassing for every particular aspect of their personality and social make up. They prefer to remain at a certain distance in their intimacy in areas where they both agree to some "legitimate" independence -- e.g., how they think about certain things like politics or religion, what is the best and what the next best of something is, what friends and hobbies they are allowed to have separately from each other, etc.

 

All these negotiated agreements and mutual allowances of independence in the equity model, are banished when the husband moves up to the unity model of interaction. The rational mentality of this model prompts the partners to be intolerant of any differences between them. They strive to eliminate any love, affection, desire, or goal that is antagonistic or independent of the other partner's loves and goals. In this way they have a mutual love that expresses itself as the constant striving or motivation by each to make the other one happy through what one can do for them.

 

 In the dominance model of interaction the wife is persuaded to make the husband happy by doing things for him the way he wants and directs. This is a general level of relationship based on a corporeal or physicalistic mentality (level 1). In the equity model the two partners take turns doing for the other what is wanted or requested. This is a personal level of relationship based on sensuous appearances that each partner gives to the other about oneself. In the unity model of rational mentality the husband is enlightened spiritually to realize that perfect marriage unity depends on exchanging his independent loves and goals for joint loves and goals. He thus acquires a conjoint self that is dependent, compatible, and integrated with his wife. In this way out of two separate individuals, they become one conjoint individual. This is the highest state of life humans can reach in which they are stable, happy, wise, useful,  and productive beyond anything possible otherwise.

 

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