University of Hawaii, Fall 2008, G28, Psychology 409b Seminar 
Class Home Page for G28, Fall 2008 is at:
        www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy28/classhome-g28.htm
Student reports and their annotated Web Links on Marriage:
        www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/499f2006/Links/
The web address of this document is:
        www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy28/409b-g28-lecture-notes.htm

TOGETHER FOREVER -- ETERNITY NOW

    The Unity Model of Marriage and Relationship

    How to Achieve the Conjoint Self

Based on the Theistic Psychology of Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772)

Lecture Notes Fall 2008 Version 22c

Dr. Leon James
Professor of Psychology
University of Hawaii

Go to:   Part 1  ||  Part 1b || Part 2  ||  Part 2b ||  Part 3  ||  Part 4

This is Part 1b

2.       Mental Anatomy and the Individual's Threefold Self
2.1     Mental Anatomy of Women and Men
                Spiritual Gender Genes
2.2     Masculine Intelligence and Feminine Intelligence
3.       Three Levels of Unity in the Marriage Relationship
4.       Unity Through Reciprocity and Differentiation

EXERCISES:   3.1

Part 1b starts here

  1. 2.  Mental Anatomy and the Individual's Threefold Self

The circulatory system in the physical body corresponds to the affective organ in the spiritual body, whose operations give us the subjective experience of feeling and willing. Feelings in the spiritual body correspond to the circulatory system in the physical body, because feelings nourish the life of experience. Feeling and willing give us

The respiratory system corresponds to the cognitive organ whose operations give us the subjective life of thinking, reasoning, and intelligence. Thoughts in the spiritual body, that is, the operations of the cognitive organ, correspond to the respiratory system in the physical body, because thoughts guide our feelings and clarifies them, just as oxygen cleans and purifies the blood. Thoughts give us

The nervous-skeletal system corresponds to the sensorimotor organ whose operations give us the subjective life of sensing the environment outside the body and of acting upon that environment through motor determinations.  Sensations and motor determinations in the spiritual body correspond to the nervous system in the physical body, because sensations give us the life of experiencing the world outside of us and motor determinations give us the ability to make our bodies move and interact with the environment. Sensations and motor determinations give us

Here is then a summary of the exact correspondence between mental anatomy and physical anatomy (try to memorize this after you studied the details given above):

 

The affective life of feelings cohere together as a cumulative whole called the affective self.

The cognitive life of thoughts cohere together as a cumulative whole called the cognitive self.

The sensorimotor life of sensations and motor determinations cohere together as a cumulative whole called the sensorimotor self.

Every person can therefore be studied, described, and understood as a threefold self.


Gender behavior in marriage is defined in this course along all three interacting domains of the individual's threefold self. The individual's affective self operates the feelings and motivations we maintain in dating or in marriage relationships. The individual's cognitive self operates the thinking and reasoning we do in these relationships. The individual's sensorimotor self operates the sensations, perceptions, and motor acts we perform in gender relationships. The category of "motor acts" includes overt verbal behavior (discourse, talk) and non-linguistic behaviors (expressions, appearance, style). Be aware however that motor acts and talking occur not from themselves but from cognitive acts (our thinking and lifestyle philosophy), and these in turn occur from our affective acts, which are motivations and needs that guide our thinking towards goals. Affective acts (A), cognitive acts (C), and Sensorimotor acts (S) form a perfect synergy between feelings (A), thoughts (C), and actions with their sensations (S). This is called the threefold self or person.

In other words, each of us is involved in gender relationships in which we operate along three interconnected domains of behavior. The deepest and most intimate and influential is the affective operation (A) in which we maintain selected motivations and desires in accordance with our primary needs and satisfactions (A). These affective operations in our mind are the most influential or determinative because they select and direct the other two domains. Affective operations guide and influence the direction of operations in the cognitive self, so that what we think or how we justify things cognitively, is selective and responsive to our affective motives.

We entertain and prefer a way of thinking that will support and promote our motivations and feelings.

In other words, our cognitive behavior adjusts itself to support our affective behavior. The affective and the cognitive domains together select and determine the sensorimotor behavior that eventuate in our overt actions, appearance, words, and styles. What we do and say amounts to our overt gender behavior, which is the result of what we think, and that is the result of how we feel and what motivates us.

Note that we are often more aware of what we think than of how we feel (or what motivates us).

In relationships between a man and a woman, women get more practice in becoming aware of their own feelings and motivations than men are of theirs, who in comparison, tend to be less aware of their own feelings and motivations. This is because women are more motivated to spend time and focus to figure out how they really feel or what they really want. Women tend also to be more aware of the man's feelings and motivations than the men are of their own feelings and motivations. This is because women are motivated to form a united couple, while men tend to be more motivated to maintain their independence and options.

However, this does not mean that men have less feelings than women, as it is sometimes misrepresented in gender stereotyped thinking. It means that men are less motivated to discover what are their feelings and the feelings of women. However, as we shall see, men can learn to acquire this interest, habit and practice.

Note well this principle:
Both men and women have the same amount of feelings and emotions.

This fact can be observed when you analyze how men behave and react to things moment by moment, showing their feelings and emotions --

These observations prove that men equally with women have feelings and react with emotions all the time.

Living means having emotions and feelings. Hence it is invalid to say that men have less feelings than women, or that men are less emotional then women. Instead, we need to think that men express their feelings and emotions differently than women, and we shall study these differences.

Emotional reactions and feeling motivations are a necessary part of all thinking and acting. It is not possible to act and react in a conversation or interaction without feelings and motivations being present all the time, at every instant.

Nevertheless there are differences between men and women as to how aware or conscious they are of their own feelings and emotions from moment to moment, or of the emotions of their partner. Women tend to specialize in becoming aware of feelings and emotions of their partner. They are motivated to practice more than men in focusing consciously on feelings in gender relationships. This is because women are motivated to conjoin to the man of their choice as intimately as possible, while men are motivated to keep their independence emotionally and in their feeling life.

This difference in the skill of gender perceptiveness between a man and a woman creates an active gender dynamic in which the woman is motivated to prod her man to become more aware of his and her feelings and motivations.

The man tends to resist this affective prodding and finds it unpleasant and objectionable. This creates a constant strain on the developing relationship. The woman feels that the man doesn't want to "commit" and is resisting the process of conjunction by wanting to maintain affective independence and some mental distance, thereby keeping the couple in a state of division and conflict which is not totally satisfying to the woman. Nevertheless, all men can learn to be motivated to understand and recognize their feelings and those of their partners. We will examine the methods men can use to be successful in this fundamental change in their gender character.

Both men and women can gain understanding of the initial oppositeness between the sexes--women striving to conjoin, men resisting the process. The analysis of how men and women talk to each other reveals this dynamic opposition between men and women, as exemplified in the studies reported in our text by Deborah Tannen--Gender and Discourse. Analyzing verbal interactions between men and women is a powerful method for bringing out the differences between how they use talk to either oppose each other or to gain deeper intimacy and mutual support. Some of your activities in this course will include observing the talk and interaction of men and women in real life and on television (see Instructions for Report 1).

The views of "Dr. Laura" in her book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands presents the point of view that men are in general "simpler creatures" than women, and that a wife needs to treat her husband in a certain way in order to keep him happy and well functioning. This is a different model of marriage than the unity model because it establishes an unequal status between men and women. This point of view puts less of responsibility on the men to change and more responsibility on the women to learn to live with it. The wife is told to adjust to this unequal status rather than to seek equality or unity.

The individual's threefold self in gender relationships is a joint product of biology, socialization, culture, and spiritual make up. As children we acquire the relationship style of our parents, other adults, and the media (TV, movies, songs, magazines, cartoons, commercials, online gathering places, social networking). By the time we begin adolescent or adult relationships, men have been exposed to years of stereotyped gender behaviors in all three domains of the threefold self:

  • (a) exploitative feelings and intentions (affective self) towards girls and women, whom they view as the "opposite" sex

  • (b) sexist thoughts (cognitive self) that stereotype women in a negative content

  • (c) injurious or hostile actions and words (sensorimotor self) against women

These affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor patterns of negative gender behavior by men create an atmosphere of discord and conflict in dating and marriage, even as the partners strive to love each other and become a functioning and satisfying unit.


2.1  Mental Anatomy of Women and Men

The expression "mental anatomy" at first sounds like a metaphor about the mind. We are used to hearing about the anatomy of the physical body. But regarding the mind, it is common for us to imagine that it either doesn't exist, or if it does exist, it is something gaseous or transparent, not solid, just as "a spirit" or "departed person," is often portrayed in literature or television. But we are also familiar with the portrayal of angels who appear on earth and have visible bodies. But we imagine that after they return to "heaven," they no longer have a real body for being married. We all have been exposed to the various fantasies or imaginings that people have about the afterlife, including our own. This is why it is essential that we stick with the facts and the actual observations.

Swedenborg was the only scientist in history who was allowed by God to be conscious in his spiritual mind before resuscitation, and therefore he is the only scientist in the history of the world who can give us factual information about the spiritual world of the afterlife in eternity. This is looking at the Swedenborg Reports with the positive bias in science perspective.

It is fascinating to discover what married couples are like when they reach the heavens in the mental eternity of their afterlife. Swedenborg's observations of the relationship between husbands and wives in heaven and hell give us factual information about the future we can have in our immortality after we are no longer connected to the physical world. People who find their way into the heavens of their mind, are married, which symbolizes and reflects their mental unity. Amazingly, when Swedenborg saw a conjugial couple from a distance, he saw but one person walking or sitting. But when he came nearer to the couple, they were a husband and wife. The fact that they appear as one person is an outward representation of their inward mental unity.

From Swedenborg's description of the difference between men and women, I constructed various visual charts to picture their mental anatomy. By studying the details pictured in somewhat different way, it might be easier for you to gain a clearer knowledge and understanding of how men and women differ in their spiritual or mental anatomy.

Remember:
spiritual = afterlife of eternity.

So the anatomical difference between the threefold mind of men and women remains forever to distinguish them from birth to eternity.

This diagram is from an article  I wrote on "spiritual genes in marriage" and is available here:   www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/instructor/gloss/dow2.html

 

Spiritual Gender Genes

 

dowfig1.gif (5308 bytes)

 

Quoting from the Swedenborg Reports:

CL 195. X. THAT THIS FORMATION BY THE WIFE IS EFFECTED BY THE CONJUNCTION OF HER WILL WITH THE INTERNAL WILL OF THE MAN.

That with the man are rational wisdom and moral wisdom, and that the wife conjoins herself with those things with the man which pertain to his moral wisdom, has been shown above (nos. 163-65). All things pertaining to rational wisdom make his understanding, and all things pertaining to moral wisdom make his will. It is with these latter, being those which form the man's will, that the wife conjoins herself.

It is the same whether it be said that the wife conjoins herself or that she conjoins her will to the man's will; for a wife is born voluntary and hence does what she does from the will. It is said with the man's internal will because man's will has its seat in his intellect, and the intellectual of man is the inmost of woman, according to what was said above (no. 32) and frequently thereafter respecting the formation of woman from man. Men have also an external will, but this often partakes of simulation and dissimulation. A wife sees this will clearly but does not conjoin herself with it except in pretence or playfully. (CL 195)

CL 222. (13) There is a conjugial atmosphere which flows in from the Lord through heaven into each and every thing of the universe, extending even to its lowest forms. We showed above in its own chapter* that love and wisdom, or to say the same thing, good and truth, emanate from the Lord. A marriage of these two elements continually emanates from the Lord, because they are Him, and from Him come all things. Moreover, whatever emanates from Him fills the universe; for without this, nothing that came into existence would continue to exist.

[2] There are several atmospheres which emanate from the Lord. For example, an atmosphere of conservation for conserving the created universe; an atmosphere of protection for protecting good and truth against evil and falsity; an atmosphere of reformation and regeneration; an atmosphere of innocence and peace; an atmosphere of mercy and grace; besides others. But the universal one of all is a conjugial atmosphere, because it is at the same time an atmosphere of propagation and is thus the supreme atmosphere in conserving the created universe by successive generations.

[3] This conjugial atmosphere fills the universe and pervades it from the firsts to the lasts of it. That this is so is apparent from observations made above,** where we showed that there are marriages in heaven, and most perfect marriages in the third or highest heaven; also, that besides being in human beings, this atmosphere exists in all members of the animal kingdom on earth, extending even to worms, and furthermore in all members of the vegetable kingdom, from olive trees and palms to the smallest grasses.

[4] This atmosphere is more universal than that of the heat and light which emanate from the sun of our world; and reason can be convinced of this from the fact that the conjugial atmosphere operates even when the sun's warmth is absent, such as in winter, and when the sun's light is absent, such as at night. Especially is this so in the case of human beings. It continues to operate because it originates from the sun of the angelic heaven, and that sun produces a constant balance of heat and light, that is, a constant union of good and truth. For heaven is in a state of perpetual spring. Variations in goodness and truth in heaven or in its warmth and light do not result from changes of the sun, as changes on earth do from variations in the heat and light coming from the sun there; but they occur as a result of the way recipient vessels receive them.  (CL 222)

If we approach the Swedenborg Reports with the orientation of the positive bias in science, we are assuming for the time being, that these reports could be correct and genuine. If that is true, then we all have an amazing life to look forward to after our resuscitation. This life takes place in our mental organs, the same ones that we have now, as I am writing this and you are reading it. Eternity is not something "later" -- it is now.

Our mental organs are contained within our spiritual body. This body is constructed out of the spiritual substances of the Spiritual Sun in the mental world of eternity. These spiritual substances are spiritual heat and spiritual light in infinite variety and diversity. Spiritual heat is nothing else than the substance of Divine Love in God's Affective Organ. Spiritual light is the substance of Divine Truth in God's Cognitive Organ. These two substances are living and immortal. They stream out of God and into the created universe. They are the building blocks of all things that exist in the two universes, one mental or spiritual, the other physical or natural. Everything in both worlds is constructed out of these two substances from the Spiritual Sun.

Now comes Swedenborg into history and science, spanning the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, who wakes up one day at age 57, and suddenly finds himself conscious and aware in two worlds. One is the natural world, as you and I are; the other is the mental world of eternity, which does not become conscious to us until after resuscitation.

What an amazing unique opportunity for science and for humankind!

From age 57 to 84 Swedenborg takes daily notes of his observations as a dual universe citizen. He was a reputed scientist and he had a reputation to protect and live up to. His careful daily notes are published today in many languages, and the collection in English comes to about 30 volumes. Today they are available online with search engines. They are considered "religious books" by most people (as you can see by googling Swedenborg), but in theistic psychology they are considered scientific psychological reports of the levels of the human mind and its anatomy.

Now with all this in mind, let us see how the following paragraph applies to us and to the unity model of marriage that we are studying in. Quoting again (as above):

CL 222. (13) There is a conjugial atmosphere which flows in from the Lord through heaven into each and every thing of the universe, extending even to its lowest forms. We showed above in its own chapter* that love and wisdom, or to say the same thing, good and truth, emanate from the Lord. A marriage of these two elements continually emanates from the Lord, because they are Him, and from Him come all things. Moreover, whatever emanates from Him fills the universe; for without this, nothing that came into existence would continue to exist.

This says that a "conjugial atmosphere" flows out from God through the Spiritual Sun into the human mind, the mind of animals, and even the atomic particles of cells. This conjugial sphere is the result of the substance of good (or love, spiritual heat) conjoining with the substance of truth (or intelligence, rationality, spiritual light). Life and existence of things are the result of this conjunction, called the spiritual marriage. You can see how this forms the anatomical basis for the unity of husband and wife conjoining in conjugial love or eternal marriage.

The mental organs (in our spiritual body) are actual permanent physiological structures, made of substances and elements from the Spiritual Sun. So the word "conjoining" and "unity" have an organic anatomical meaning.

The woman's affective organ conjoins itself by love to the man's cognitive organ. The man's affective organ conjoins itself to the woman's cognitive organ. This creates a new human mind called the "conjoint self." Her love (A) activates his thinking (C), and his love (A) activates her thinking (C).

In other words: She loves (A) his masculine intelligence (C), and he loves (A) her feminine intelligence (C).

Or: His masculine thinking (C) is guided and managed by her feminine loves (A), and her feminine thinking (C) is managed and guided by his masculine loves (A).

You can see that the conjoint self is a new human being, the result of soul mates conjoining into one. The conjoint self is the final phase of human evolution.

The unity model of marriage is a practical approach for couples in this life to prepare themselves for eternal conjunction in eternity -- which is not far away from you right now! We each have only a few years to accomplish this preparation. Swedenborg reports that many people he observed and interviewed after their resuscitation, were unprepared for conjugial conjunction with a soul mate. Instead, they were prepared and ready to experience and explore a continuing free and endless life of sex with many partners.

Unfortunately for these people, the sex does not last very long, since it non-exclusive sex with many partners has a biological built-in end point in anatomical impotence for men. Later they start loathing sex and everything that is feminine or related to exclusivity, fidelity and marriage. I say "unfortunately." Indeed, what a colossal tragedy it is for many men to fantasize that they can have limitless sex with many partners. The Swedenborg Reports prove otherwise. So it is critical that men prepare themselves mentally for life as an anatomical conjoint self.

The man has to learn to get used to the idea that exclusive sex with his wife soul mate in an eternal marriage, is the very basis of heaven in eternity.

Conjugial love is a Divine atmosphere that emanates from the Spiritual Sun in the mental world of eternity, and enters our mental organs in the spiritual body, which is born into eternity, along with our physical body, which is born into time. This temporary body is an exact copy of the spiritual body, but it is made of substances from the physical sun, while the spiritual body is made of substances from the Spiritual Sun.

Love is what prepares us for all life, in the natural world and in the world of eternity. Such as our love is, such is our thinking, and consequently, such is doing and interacting. If the man adopts a lower love (layer 9A, concrete corporeal mentality), his thinking will be male dominant over women, and consequently, his actions towards her will be authoritarian and coercive. The atmosphere of their relationship is contrary or opposed to heaven. They cannot form a conjoint self as long as he thinks that women are inferior to men, or that they have less rights than men.

If the man adopts a somewhat higher love (layer 8A, abstract materialism), his thinking will be equity with a focus on egalitarianism, and consequently, his actions towards her will be contentious and competitive. He will want to me right all the time, or most of the time, driving her mad with frustration and despair. She keeps hoping he will "get it" and stop opposing her, being himself, independent and resisting her influence on him. She has to negotiate for every little decent treatment he owes her anyway, but reneges on. When  this man is resuscitated, will he be prepared to live in a heavenly conjugial society with his soul mate? The answer is No. After resuscitation he will be unwilling to give up his cherished loves in relationship --

the love to remain independent
the love to resist a woman's directions and pressures
the love to retain and nurture negative feelings towards the woman he is with
the love of feeling free of close relationship obligations
the love to consider women as inferior
the love of sensorimotor intimacy without affective intimacy
the love of being right and of controlling the woman
the love of being internally immune to his woman's pleadings
etc.

These are loves sourced in the Grand Monster, and they are opposite to the loves sourced in the Grand Human. The following are the kinds of loves a man needs to learn to acquire, love, and live by:

the love to form a conjoint self
the love to give up independence for the sake of interdependence
the love of making his woman totally happy from himself
the love of avoiding anything disturbing or unpleasant around his woman
the love of giving in to his woman
the love of his woman's feminine intelligence
the love of affective and cognitive in intimacy within their sensorimotor intimacy
etc .

All this shows you that men need help in preparing themselves for a new physiological mental life where they have new relational and interdependence loves, which now they hate because they threaten their independence and conveniences.

The unity model of marriage helps men to be more effective in their preparation. Women who are aware of the unity model of marriage, and realize that it is true, will have a distinct advantage in knowing how to help their man to carry through with the unity model mentality of layer 7 (the rational mind). This will not only raise the man's consciousness in relationship skills, but will also raise the man's consciousness in all areas of life -- parenting, family, work, community, citizenship, etc. The rational man who thinks in layer 7 is peaceful, intelligent, obedient, and well motivated to all that is good and true. The rational man honors women, femininity, and gallantry. The rational man loves feminine intelligence more than masculine intelligence.

To summarize the mental anatomy of a man and woman:

A woman does things from wisdom (C) by means of love (A).

A man does things from love (A) by means of wisdom (C).

In other words, a woman does things from her cognitive organ (C) by means of her affective organ (A). A man does things from his affective organ (A) by means of his cognitive organ (C).


The following diagram is from an article on "The Spiritual Psychobiology of Marriage" and is available here:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/instructor/gloss/dow1.html#biology

The diagram immediately above shows the two phases or stages of marriage. Initially (phase 1), the man's consciousness of externalizing truth, which is what he thinks about and knows (cognitive, C), conjoins itself with the wife's externalizing good, which is the complex of the loves she has (A). And reciprocally, the wife's externalizing loves and affections (A) conjoin with the husband's externalizing cognitions (C). Thus they form an externalizing marriage or social and moral bond (natural marriage). In phase 1 of marriage and close relationships the man presents the external front and leadership and is on the outside facing the world, while the woman is on the inside creating a permanent relationship and bond between them, thus a "home" as it were.

In traditional marriages following the male dominance model, this relative position of man and woman is enacted literally, so that the woman stays home and is the "homemaker," while the man leaves the home to earn a living for the family. In modern marriages following the equity model, wives and mothers may also have work or career outside the home. But psychologically, biologically, and spiritually the woman in a couple partnership occupies an inner position relative to the man, who is on the outside. A man's consciousness faces outward to the world while a woman's consciousness faces inward toward the bonding of the relationship and the achievement of mental intimacy or unity.

The woman works towards unity from her "external good" which is "within" or "above" the man's "external truth." What is within or above in terms of spiritual positioning is also higher, more refined, more concerned with celestial things like love, harmony, unity, growth, peace, beauty, sensuality, warmth.

The man's outward or external spiritual positioning is lower, rougher, grosser, more concerned with spiritual things like truth, knowledge, rationality, doctrine, precepts, principles, applications.

Phase 1 in marriage and relationships is called externalizing because the man's cognitive focus (C, achieving) and the wife's affective focus (A, bonding) are both in the externalizing or lower degrees of their consciousness (natural marriage). However, if the two partners continue to grow together and conjoin more deeply within, then they enter phase 2 which is an internalizing union or conjunction (spiritual marriage). Now their internalizing parts are conjoined or united--the man's internalizing good and the woman's internalizing truth. Now for the first time the man becomes fully a husband and the woman fully a wife.

The unity model specifies the mental anatomy of marriage. In the negative bias approach to the psychology of marriage only phase 1 is recognized. Couples are expected to grow more interdependent and close as the decades of marriage proceed. This is certainly valid. Phase 1 undergoes growth and development so that the partners feel closer and closer, when the marriage is a success and lasts. But the unity model introduces a new dimension to the relationship based on mental anatomy not physical anatomy or psychological definitions of closeness. In other words every man and woman is born with a temporary physical body on earth, and a permanent spiritual body in the mental world of eternity, as discussed above. The process of bonding and becoming interdependent does not occur in the physical body or with the physical body.

The process of becoming a couple is a mental event, and must have an organic basis in the spiritual body where are located our mental organs: affective (feelings), cognitive (thinking) and sensorimotor (sensations and movements).

Bonding is an activity of our feelings, loves, intentions, desires, fears, anxieties, enjoyments -- these are all mental experiences we have as a result of the operations going on in our affective organ in the spiritual body in the mental world of eternity. We are conscious of these experiences because they are going on in the portion of the spiritual body called the natural mind. So the diagrams in this section attempt to portray the organic relationship between man and woman in the process of bonding, both in phase 1 (natural marriage), and in phase 2 (spiritual marriage).

You can see that the anatomical nature of bonding is totally different in the natural marriage phase (1) and in the spiritual marriage phase (2). Couples cannot attain to the beginning of phase 2 by going further and further with phase 1.  The two phases are discontinuous and one cannot go from one to the other. They are in "discrete degrees" and relate to each other by correspondence (not by continuity). Phase 1 bonding activity in the mind of the partners is an operation going on in the external region of the spiritual body. For instance if you have a pimple on the face it is an external activity (skin) of the physical body. But if you have a cold sore on the lip it is an internal activity (virus) of the physical body. Phase 1 bonding is external, phase 2 bonding is internal.

Phase 1 bonding in external marriages and relationships conjoins the man's external mental focus (cognitive, C) the woman's external mental focus (affective, A). A man's consciousness focus as he grows up and becomes an adult is centered in his cognitive organ (C), while a woman's consciousness as she grows up and becomes and adult is centered in her affective organ (A). When man and woman get together to form a couple or romantic partnership they are each focused on reciprocal zones of their cumulative interactions. The man is focused on this thoughts about himself with her, while the woman is focused on her feelings and intentions about him. Phase 1 bonding takes place when her feelings are conjoined to his thoughts.

If she does not like his thoughts she cannot bond to him. A woman bonds to a man romantically when she likes his thoughts and his way of reasoning and presenting himself and things. If she does not approve of his thoughts, or feels repelled by his attitudes, she cannot bond with him romantically.

A man will allow the woman to bond to him when he recognizes that she likes his thoughts.

Note that in phase 1 bonding the woman takes the lead. The man does not bond because bonding is an affective focus on the relationship and men have a cognitive focus on the relationship. So when the woman takes the lead in phase 1 bonding (external) by loving the man's thoughts, he can respond and react by allowing it in his mind or rejecting it in his mind. In general, if he sees that she likes his thoughts, he will feel attracted to her, and this is the acceptance of her bonding to him. In this way they achieve mutual bonding when the man man responds positively to the woman. Anatomically this is all happening in the external portion of their spiritual body.

After phase 1 bonding is achieved and is working for both partners, there is the opportunity of starting phase 2 bonding, which is an inward anatomical conjunction or interdependence of their spiritual bodies. Here everything is reversed. The woman cannot take the lead. She eventually comes to realize this after trying desperately to achieve affective intimacy which the man continuously and successfully resists. She then understands that this deeper intimacy she craves for has to come from him. The man has to take the lead in phase 2.

Note the anatomical details of this spiritual bonding process (phase 2, diagram above). The wife is shown outside and the man inside -- the opposite of phase 1. In phase 2 bonding the spiritual bodies are facing the mental world of eternity, not the physical world of time and space. In the mental world of eternity what is within determines what is on the outside. In phase 1 the wife is inside and the husband outside, hence the wife takes the lead. In phase 2, the husband is within and the wife is outside, hence the husband takes the lead. If the woman fails to take the lead in phase 1, there will be no external bonding -- they are a couple only in name. Similarly, If the man fails to take the lead in phase 2, there will be no internal bonding -- they are a couple only in the natural marriage sense, that is, without affective intimacy (spiritual marriage).

The woman takes the lead for external bonding (natural marriage), while the man takes the lead for internal bonding (spiritual marriage). External bonding involves external cognitive operations (man) conjoined to external affective operations (woman). Internal bonding involves internal cognitive operations (woman) conjoined to internal affective operations (man). To understand this you need to know the difference between external mental operations (A and C) and internal mental operations (A and C).

External affective operations (A) is feminine and contrast with internal affective operations (A) which is masculine. External cognitive operations (C) is masculine and contrasts with internal cognitive operations (C) which is feminine. In other words, the mental organs of women in the spiritual body is arranged with the cognitive organ inside the affective organ, while for men, the cognitive organ is outside the affective organ, which is within. In still other words, women act from inner truth through outer love, while men act from inner love through outer truth. Masculine truth is outward, feminine truth is inward. Masculine love is inward, feminine love is outward. What is inward commands what is outward, hence men's way of thinking is adapted for the external life, while women's way of thinking is adapted for the internal life.

In the afterlife of eternity where the couple will be rejoined, the woman's thoughts and wisdom (C) define the couple's external life (S), while the man's loves and virtues (A) define the couple's internal life. In this life, the man's thoughts and intelligence (C) define the couple's external life, while the woman's loves and virtues (A) define the couple's internal life.

Our external life refers to our focus on the daily issues and activities a couple is immersed in -- living together, adapting to each other's social and physical habits and styles, coping with social and financial demands, caring for children, relationship to parents, community service, entertainment, sports, eating together, sexual activity. Our internal life refers to our focus on mental intimacy and affective support and bonding -- being best friends and soul mates, looking out for what is best for the other, full confidence and trust, reliance and acceptance, being together forever.

To be fulfilled and to have access to the full benefit of marriage bonding, it is necessary that the partners conjoin both their external (phase 1) and their internal life (phase 2). 

In the diagram below, the same process is portrayed.

The externalizing union in stage 1 is shown to bond the man's externalizing truth (C) to the wife's externalizing good (A). This is not so much a true union as a partnership since it resides in externalizing (or lower) parts of the consciousness. Husband and wife as partners are adjoined to each other by externalizing natural life and family, but they are not yet conjoined from within by inner or spiritual life, which refers to inmost intimacy and eternal friendship. But in stage 2, the husband's internalizing good (A) is conjoined to the wife's internalizing truth (C). Now the marriage bond consists of his affections (A) covered over with her truths (C). This is a true conjunction or union because it resides in the higher or internalizing regions of their consciousness and life. Only when this stage of internal conjunction is achieved can they be prepared into a heavenly marriage and live together in eternity.

Couples who do not progress to an internal union of minds or spirits (stage 2, spiritual marriage), remain separated in their internals, and when they meet again in the other life, they live with one another again for a brief period. They then can become aware of each other's internal character and disposition, and these separate them. Each then looks for another partner with whom they can enter into an internal marriage in heaven. But this happens only when both have been regenerated while still in the physical body.

To be regenerated means to learn to give up inherited hellish traits and to acquire heavenly traits in one's threefold self.

When they meet in the other life and live together again briefly, they may decide that they are unsuitable for each other by internal disposition, in which case they separate. The one who is regenerate in character goes to heaven with the newly found conjugial partner or soul mate, while the other who is not regenerated goes to hell where they enter into a series of relationships, which are called infernal concubinage. These infernal marriages are purely externalizing and both partners are "devils" who hate each other's guts yet are forced to endure each other in a marriage made in hell.

Quoting from Swedenborg's Conjugial Love:

CL 32. (ii) A male is then male and a female is female.

Since a person lives on after death, and a person may be male or female, and the male and the female are so different that one cannot change into the other, it follows that after death a male lives on as a male and a female as a female, each of them being spiritual. We say that the male cannot change into the female, nor the female into the male, so that in consequence after death a male is a male and a female is a female, but because it is not known in what masculinity and femininity essentially consist, I must state this briefly here.

The essential difference is that the inmost core of the male is love, and its envelope is wisdom, or what is the same thing, it is love enveloped in wisdom. The inmost core of the female is the wisdom of the male, and its envelope is the love from it. But this is a feminine love, which God gives a wife by means of her husband's wisdom. The other love is a masculine love, a love of being wise, given by God to the husband to the extent that he acquires wisdom.

Thus it is that the male is the wisdom of love and the female the love of that wisdom.

There is therefore implanted in each from creation a love of being joined into one. (CL 32)

CL 33. The result of being so formed in the beginning is that the male is by birth a creature of the intellect, the female a creature of the will, or to put the same thing another way, the male acquires from birth an affection for knowing, understanding and being wise, and the female acquires from birth a love of joining herself with that affection in the male.

Since what is within forms the outside so as to resemble itself, and the form of the male is that of the intellect, and the form of the female is that of love for it, this is why the male differs from the female in face, voice, and the rest of the body. He has a sterner face, a rougher voice and a stronger body, not to mention a bearded chin, so generally speaking a less beautiful form than the female.

There are also differences in their gestures and behaviour. In short, they have no similarity, and yet every detail has the impulse towards union. In fact, there is masculinity in every part of the male, down to the smallest part of his body, and also in every idea he thinks of and every spark of affection he feels; and the same is true of the femininity of the female. Since therefore one cannot change into the other, it follows that after death the male is male and the female is female. (CL 33)

CL 88. (iii) There is the truth of good, and from this the good of truth, that is to say, truth coming from good and good from that truth; both of them have a tendency implanted from creation to join themselves into one.

Some idea of the distinction between these two must be gained, because knowledge of the essential source of conjugial love depends upon it. For the truth of good, that is, truth from good, is, as will be shown in what follows [90, 91], male; and the good of truth, that is, the good from that truth, is female. But the distinction can be better grasped, if love is substituted for good and wisdom for truth. These are one and the same (see 84 above). The only way wisdom can come into existence for a person is by means of the love of being wise. If this love is taken away, there is no way the person can be wise. It is wisdom arising from this love which is meant by the truth of good, or truth coming from good. But when a person has as a result of that love acquired wisdom, and loves wisdom in himself, that is, loves himself for his wisdom, then he forms a love, which is the love of wisdom and is meant by the good of truth, or good coming from that truth.

[2] A man therefore possesses two loves. One, which comes first, is the love of being wise, and the other, which comes later, is the love of wisdom. But if this second love remains with a man, it is a wicked love, called pride in or love of one's own intelligence. It will be proved in the following pages that it has been provided from creation that, to prevent this love being his ruin, it was taken from the man and copied into the woman, so becoming conjugial love which makes him whole again. Some remarks about these two loves and the copying of the latter one into the woman may be seen in 32, 33 above, and in the Preliminaries, 20. If therefore we understand for love "good" and for wisdom "truth," then it is proved by what has been said that there is truth of good, that is, truth coming from good, and from this the good of truth, that is, good coming from that truth. (CL 88)

Note this sentence in the quote above from CL 88: "the truth of good, that is, truth from good, is male; and the good of truth, that is, the good from that truth, is female." Here is a diagram that attempts to portray what the passages above describe:

Starting at the bottom you can see that literature written by women is different from that of men, or that women managers do things in a feminine way, which is different from the masculine way. The question of "Which is better or more effective" needs to be answered by presenting evidence showing that women who have been traditionally excluded from certain activities or jobs, have been working at these now for several workforce generations, and some women outscore men, while the overall average and range are also very similar.

This proves that men and women can perform equally effectively in any job setting or team work.

But it leaves open the question of how these jobs or activities are performed by men and by women. The diagram above indicates what the differences are in the way women and men perform the same activities. This difference is not due to their intelligence, but to their mental anatomy. For instance, men and women eat the same foods, but their bodies assimilate the nutrients from them differently due to hormonal and biochemical differences relating to physical anatomy or physiology.

Now you need to practice applying the diagram to the differences you can observe between men and women. Women are most comfortable being themselves according to their mental anatomy. This is how they define intimacy with a man in marriage or in an exclusive relationship. When the woman feels that she can be her feminine self in the relationship she feels maximum freedom, and thence total intimacy with the man.

She feels happy and alive when this happens. Everything she then does is from her feminine self. This is portrayed in the diagram above. If a woman competes with another woman or a man, she does it from her wisdom by means of her love. Her wisdom is inmost, while her love is outmost. What is inmost is less clearly in awareness compared to what is outmost. So when a woman acts she is less aware of her wisdom in the act, and more aware of her love in the act. A man is the reciprocal of this. When a man acts he is less aware of of his love in the act, and more aware of his wisdom in the act. In order to understand this you need to call upon what you already know about men and women -- which is considerable.


EXERCISE 2.1.1:

 Read this Section once over then again as you think about your parents. Jot down or type out thoughts that come to you as you consider these questions.

(a) Your father as a representative of man, and your mother as a representative of woman. How were they different as you grew up? How did you experience them distinctly? What was a normal or regular mood or emotional quality that you experienced when being with one of them, or the other, or with both together? What similar or different thoughts or emotions did you have when something happened and you had to deal in turn with your father and your mother?

(b) Now look at your notes. You might want to expand on some issues. Summarize what you discovered in relation to how a man thinks and feels and how a woman thinks and feels. Relate this to the mental anatomy of a man and a woman.

(c) Now apply this approach to other men and women you know -- siblings, friends, neighbors, teachers, motorists, co-workers, supervisors. Does this approach help you to understand better what people do?

(d) Now discuss your findings and new perspective with friends, parents, or class teams. Come to class prepared to discuss some of these issues.


 

2.2. Masculine Intelligence and Feminine Intelligence

The anatomy of the human mind contains a higher spiritual mind that we use in our afterlife of eternity and a lower natural mind that we use in this life. The conjugial heavens in eternity are the thoughts and feelings we have in the spiritual mind. The conscious life we have in this life is through the thoughts and feelings in our natural mind. At death the natural mind becomes unconscious while we awaken fully conscious in the spiritual mind. This anatomy has been described by Swedenborg through his observations of the afterlife in his spiritual mind. At age 57 he suddenly developed the capacity to be conscious in his spiritual mind as well as in his natural mind. He was thus able to describe in his reports the empirical details of resuscitation and conjugial love. We are taking on the positive bias in science so that we can examine and assess what he has presented. If we remain in the usual negative bias in science we would be unable to examine and assess his reports without rejecting them right from the start as being impossible. The positive bias allows us to examine the reports objectively and to do so at their face value. Swedenborg was a well known scientist and public figure in Sweden and he had the respect of everyone as a genius and honest impeccable scientist.

The mental anatomy that we are considering in the previous diagrams clearly indicate that the intelligence of men cannot be the same as the intelligence of women inasmuch as they are anatomically reciprocals of each other. In the male dominance mentality men are more intelligent than women. In the equity mentality men and women are equally intelligent. In the unity model men and women have different intelligences that must fit together. By fitting together as reciprocals they are able to greatly enhance each other's thinking and understanding.

 In other words the world is greatly enriched in intelligence because there are men and women in the equation. Each gender contributes a unique type of thinking and understanding. According to the mental anatomy diagrams above, men act (S) from love (A) by means of intelligence (C), while women act (S) from intelligence (C) by means of love.

Another way of saying it is this:
Men act (S) from love (A) through intelligence (C).
Women act (S) from intelligence through love (A).

Still another way of saying the same anatomical fact:
Men act (S) from feelings (A) through thoughts (C).
Women act (S) from thoughts (C) through feelings (A).

Diagrammatically:

Men:                  Am -----> Cm -----> Sm
Women:            Cw -----> Aw -----> Sw 

As is plainly visible, the threefold self of men and women is created by anatomical differences in the way their mental organs function in action (S), thought (C), and feeling (A). Remember that what is first in the sequence is also higher and more interior. So a man's highest and inmost organ is the affective (A) while a woman's inmost organ is the cognitive (C). Note that for men intelligence (C) is in the intermediate position while women's intelligence (C) is in the first position. Since first is always higher it follows that women's intelligence (Cw) is higher than man's intelligence (Cm). This is the basis for the unity model of marriage.

Higher or interior intelligence is more spiritual, while lower or external intelligence is natural. Hence women's intelligence is more suited and adapted for spiritual or interior things, while man's intelligence is more suited and adapted for natural or external things.

Experience in this world demonstrated that a woman's intelligence gives her the capacity to function and achieve as much as a man through his male intelligence. Women can do the same jobs as men and perform within similar ranges. But because women can do this with their feminine intelligence does not mean that the female intelligence is the same as the male intelligence.

When it comes to achieving a spiritual marriage woman's intelligence provides a big advantage over masculine intelligence. Spiritual marriages are based on the unity model. This phase becomes actual when man's intelligence conjoins with woman's intelligence.

Note again:

Men:                  AIM -----> CEM -----> SM
Women:            CIF -----> AEF -----> SF 
Conjoint self:     AIMCIF -----> CEMAEF -----> SMSF   

IM = internal male
IF = internal female
EM = external male
EF= external female

Note that the unity couple's conjoint self is constructed anatomically by joining together man's interior or higher feelings (AIM) with woman's interior or higher thoughts (CIF)  yielding this: (AIMCIF), and man's lower or external thoughts (CEM) with woman's lower or external feelings (AEF) yielding this:  (CEMAEF).

As you can see from the anatomical diagram natural marriage (phase 1) consists of conjoining woman's lower or external good (A) with man's lower or external truth (CEMAEF). Phase 2 (spiritual marriage) consists of conjoining man's inmost or higher good (A) to woman's interior or higher thoughts (AIMCIF).

Note from the diagram that in natural marriages (phase 1) the woman is within (A) while the man is outside (C) relative to each other. Anatomically, the natural marriage is the conjunction between the woman's affective organ (A) in the external mind and the man's cognitive organ (C) in the external mind. The affective organ supplies the operations of the will, of intentions, of motives, of goal achievement. The cognitive organ supplies the operations of the understanding, of planning, interpreting.

So in this external conjunction of the partners (phase 1, natural marriages), the woman is the source of the couple's intentions and motives (A) towards the world, while the man is the source of the couple's interpretations of the world and their planning strategies (C).

Note that external or natural female affections (A) are used for the couple's intentions, motives, values, feelings (A) while external or natural male intelligence (C) is used for the couple's dealings with the world -- interpreting what is going on on the outside and planning strategies to deal with it (C). Hence it is that the man takes the lead in dealing with the outside world where the couple must survive and adapt, while the woman takes the lead in dealing with the inside world of the marriage and the family. This has applied to all couple relationships in the past, which is why men run things in the world while women run things in the home. This is still true today with modern couples (equity model) that have working wives and mothers. The men are supposed to help out with domestic chores to ease the load on the working wives and moms. But society still attributes to the woman the central responsibility for running the home (cooking. laundry, toddlers) and making sure everything is being taken care of. 

In natural marriages the external or materialistic thoughts (CEM) of the man are conjoined to the external materialistic feelings (AEF) of the woman. In spiritual marriages (unity model) the interior or spiritual feelings of the man (AIM) are conjoined to the interior or spiritual thoughts of the woman (CIM).

Natural marriages are involved in the male dominance model and in the equity model. Spiritual marriages are involved in the unity model. Natural marriage (phase 1, dominance and equity models) is called an external conjunction of man and woman because it involves the conjunction of the two people's external minds. Spiritual marriage (phase 2, unity model) is called an internal conjunction of man and woman because it involves the conjunction of the two people's internal minds.

Every person is born with a natural mind and a spiritual mind. Both are housed in the spiritual body which is born in eternity and connected by correspondence with the physical body which is born in the natural world of matter, time and place. This is why we are called dual citizens. We are citizens of the physical world of time through our temporary physical body, which functions in correspondence with our natural mind. And through our immortal spiritual body, we are also citizens of the spiritual world of the afterlife, also called the mental world of eternity.

Until death of the physical body we are conscious in our natural mind and unconscious in our spiritual mind. After resuscitation from death (a few hours later), we are conscious in our spiritual mind and unconscious in our natural mind. We continue our life of immortality in eternity through our spiritual mind which is housed in our spiritual body.

Spiritual marriage (phase 2) involves the conjunction of the man's interior or spiritual mind with the interior or spiritual mind of the woman. This is why spiritual marriages are permanent and eternal.

Note carefully:
Since spiritual marriage is an internal conjunction of the their spiritual body and spiritual mind it cannot be seen in the physical world. Natural marriage is an external conjunction of their physical body and interactions, it can be seen, measured, and recorded. Natural marriage has a worldly and legal basis in the physical world, while spiritual marriage becomes visible and recordable in the world of eternity.

Nevertheless, when the couple is involved in a spiritual marriage, as in the unity model, their natural marriage reflects this. For instance, in a spiritual marriage the couple's natural marriage is in correspondence with it so that it may be called a heavenly marriage or a 'match made in heaven' between soul mates. The unity model leads to such a spiritual marriage.

The husband who wants to be a unity husband has to learn to accept and love the following principles of good behavior towards his wife:

1. Not to express disagreement through the sensorimotor self (head , face, hands, stance, voice, touch, speech acts). Wanting to learn from the wife what she sees and experiences about his sensorimotor expressions when he interacts with her under various situations or issues.

2. Not to express disagreement in verbal exchanges that are experienced by the wife as disjunctive. Wanting to learn from the wife what she experiences as disjunctive and unsexy conversational style.

3. Not to perform acts of disloyalty to her. Not to betray her to others by revealing things she does not want them to know. Not to discuss her with anyone in a way she would object if she heard a recording of the conversation. Not to lie to her in order to protect himself from her disapproval. Not to ignore what she says, but to think about it and remember it, and make it important to him. 

4. To be supportive of her by encouraging her in what she wants to do or accomplish. To want to strengthen her self-confidence and thus, not to do or say anything that would weaken it or hurt it. To listen to her, to understand her, to learn from her, to admire her thinking, to appreciate her humor, to love her observations and perspective on various things.

5. To be protective of her sense of security and her vulnerabilities.  To love her femininity. To be soft and sweet with her, always. To avoid giving her worries. To relieve her stress and anxieties.

6. To be useful to her in various ways that make her life more comfortable. To learn to offer to do things for her, then to learn to do them in a way she approves and likes.

7. To touch her every time he sees her. To keep himself clean, shaven, and attired in clean, attractive clothes. To learn how she likes to be touched and aroused. To pay attention to details. To learn how to make her laugh, and what puts her in a good mood. To be be dedicated to her happiness.

8. To learn how she wants him to make up when he precipitated a state of disjunction between them, by violating good principles of action. To learn how to perform procedures of (a) sufficient apology, (b) felt remorse, and (c) fun ideas about restitution or compensation (e.g., surprises that delight her).

These same principles of good behavior apply to all couples, married or not, who are in a romantic and exclusive long term relationship that they think of as forever or eternal.

Husbands can be committed to these 'good behavior' principles only when they experience an attraction to the unity model of marriage.  To feel this attraction they must have a liking for the spiritual ideas of eternity and femininity. Love attracts. The husband has to love the idea in his mind that he is going to be attached to this woman more and more to endless eternity. He has to find this idea attractive in his mind. To be attached to this one woman forever.  He has to love that idea more than any other idea he can think of. When a man brings himself into this mental state, he can learn to love these 'good behavior' principles, and begins to practice them in his daily interactions.

Once a man is committed to this daily practice of being a unity marriage husband, his mental state changes day by day, progressively into the "heavenly order." This is an expression used in the Swedenborg Reports where it is described according to what Swedenborg observed during his interviews and visits with couples after resuscitation who inhabited their heavenly layers in the mental world of eternity. The heavenly order of the mind is arranged in a top-down hierarchy of loves or feelings of a certain kind or quality. At the very top of the hierarchy of loves is what the Swedenborg Reports call "conjugial love." The word's usual spelling "conjugal"  refers to natural marriage in the socio-legal sense, but when spelled "conjugial" it refers to spiritual marriage.

Spiritual marriage begins when both partners understand and realize that their union is permanent to eternity. Spiritual marriage evolves from that beginning and progresses closer and closer to the heavenly order. This means that the husband has endorsed and committed himself to the principles of good behavior needed to build the unity model marriage. In a "conjugial marriage" the affective hierarchy of both husband and wife are arranged so that the highest love each one has is the love for each other. He is her heart and circulatory system, while she is her lungs or respiratory system. He supplies their conjoint blood -- that is, their loves and affections, and she supplies their conjoint breath -- that is, their thoughts and wisdom. Conjugial husband and wife function as one unit -- the conjoint self.

Husbands who are practicing the unity model of marriage can experience the conjoint self more and more distinctly as they progress more deeply into the conjugial relationship. The conjoint self is the heavenly order in marriage. We work towards that state by aligning our affections and loves so that they represent the heavenly order. In the husband's mind the wife has to occupy top position or first place. This is conjugial love. All things must be subordinated to the one ruling love, which is the love they each have for the other. By committing himself the the good behavior principles, the husband taps into the source of inner mental power capable of overcoming his natural and intense personal and masculine feelings and needs to be woman dominant. This higher inner mental power is available to any husband or boyfriend, merely by committing himself to practicing the good behavior principles because he wants to achieve the heavenly order of conjugial love through the conjoint self.

This higher or inner mental power is able to overcome the natural hereditary biological masculine resistance for affective intimacy with a woman. Man wants to retain his affective independence. He wants to love what he likes, he wants to think what he likes, he wants to act the way he likes. This is what he now has to give up so that he will want to love what she likes, he will want to think what is agreeable to her, he will want to act the way she likes. To make this switch in mental state the man must have the inner power to accomplish it, through overcoming his own powerful resistance towards giving up affective independence. He now has to like what she likes more than he likes what he likes.  Being committed to practicing the good behavior principles gives him access to this inner power, which is the heavenly power.

Everything gets better and better in the heavenly order of marriage.

It is well known that natural marriage tends to wane and diminish in romance and passion, though commitment to making the marriage last may increase. Often couples who have been married for decades have never become best friends to each other. They share loyalties and habits, but not feelings of peace and unity that come from not tolerating disagreements with each other. When the heavenly order of marriage is entered, its progression is experienced by both partners every day more and more as they live their life together. There is no waning of love, romance, and passion, but a progressive increase of it, and a deepening of it, so that the entire mental state is affected in many layers, all arranged in the heavenly order, which is infinite in variety, quality, beauty, and wisdom. The Swedenborg Reports describe many aspects of this heavenly order which is called "the marriage of good and truth." This eternal and Divine marriage in God is the source of conjugial love between husband and wife in a spiritual marriage.

We will now study various details about the three models -- male dominance model, equity model, and unity model.

 

3.  Three Levels of Unity in the Marriage Relationship

This conclusion follows from the mental anatomy of heaven in eternity. It makes sense rationally from the perspective of the positive bias in science. God reveals in Sacred Scripture that His purpose for creating individual human beings is so that He can bring two of them together, made for each other, built mentally to fit and to attain the true higher experience of life in heaven in eternity. The unity of a man and a woman into a conjugial couple in heaven -- this is the purpose of the universe, according to God's own revelation to humankind. The man who realizes this idea is no longer capable of thinking badly about the woman he loves, and for her sake, he can no longer think badly of any woman.

Because of the intensity with which the negative bias is instilled in the thinking of educated people, few educated people know today that an individual is not a full human being, but only has the capacity to become one. A man is created to achieve unity with a woman, and a woman is created to achieve unity with a man. Women are more aware of this regardless of their education, which they put around themselves like a cape but do not let enter into their spiritual self. Men are more vulnerable to education, shaping their inner thinking according to its dictates and doctrines. They ingest the negative bias in science more deeply into their reasoning process.

Women retain a distinct rational perception of conjunction, external and internal. They sense strongly that the external conjunction ("I love you." ... "I love you too.") is not the final type of conjunction they crave for to become truly free, truly themselves as they were created feminine by God. Men do not sense this -- until they become spiritually enlightened and are able to examine the positive bias perspective regarding eternal spiritual marriages. Once a man is enlightened he can begin the long journey backwards in his mind, a journey in which he left around all sorts of gross thoughts and inclinations towards a woman, and women in general. This is a long and arduous task for most men, but many are able to stick to it and acquire a new chivalrous or gallant character that respects women as their highest principle in life and the universe. In this way they become real men, real to their creation, which is, that they unite themselves with a woman and live in conjugial happiness to eternity. This is why God created them.

The key to this amazing victory and achievement is to start practicing the self-witnessing life. This means monitoring what your mental organs are doing: your feelings (A), thoughts (C), and sensations and actions (S).

With this objective data on what you actually are all day every day, you have what you need to change yourself. I have done this for many years and it has allowed me to reform my socialization habits of thinking negative thoughts about others all the time. I no longer do this. It is the same with my private thoughts about women, about their motives, about their intelligence, about their capacities, about swearing using women's body parts, or about telling or laughing at jokes against women. I no longer do (S) any of these and have an aversion (A) for the idea (C) doing it again (S).

There is an advantage in gaining control over our gender behavior in the three domains of the threefold self -- affective (A), cognitive (C), and sensorimotor (S). We can avoid those cultural and psychological traits and habits that interfere with adaptive, successful long term marriage relationships. The benefits of a stable successful long term partnership are extremely attractive.

We will explore a particular principle in the unity model of marriage called the conjoint self.

According to the "unity" model of marriage, the perfection of unity in a marriage increases through differentiation (the two are mentally different), and reciprocity (all their differences fit together).

Mental interdependence between husband and wife becomes total in the spiritual body. Swedenborg was amazed when he saw couples in the third heaven of eternity, which is the most perfect expression of conjugial love. From a distance he saw only one "angel" but when they drew near to him he saw a husband and his wife each attired in beautiful clothes and light and beauty shining from their youthful faces. This is the expression of the unity of married couples in the mental world of eternity. When he saw their two faces close up he saw that they were one and the same, one masculine and the other feminine. When one spoke it was like it came from the other. When one removed himself or herself, the other lost all composure and happiness, even intelligence. They were united, two individual human beings forming one complete one. He spoke to many such couples in the course of his dual consciousness over 27 years.

This then shows us the potential we can achieve -- if we are willing to make it more important than all other things we consider important. In other words, conjugial love has to become the ruling love of a man, as it already is for woman from birth to eternity.

In the spiritual body of the unity couple here on earth, the woman's external affective organ (A) is conjoined to the man's external cognitive organ (C) (phase 1, natural marriage), and his internal cognitive organ (C) is conjoined to her internal affective organ (A) (phase 2, spiritual marriage).

This conjoint self therefore proceeds,

(Step 1) with her external will (A) joined to his external understanding (C) (natural environment); and

(Step 2) with her internal will (A) joined to his internal understanding (C) (spiritual environment)

Before the conjoint self is born, his understanding is joined to his own will, but after the conjoint self is born (Step 1), his understanding is joined to her will (no longer to his own will).

This means that in Step 1 or the natural daily environment of the couple, the husband practices learning to love to act from his wife's will (A) more than he loves (A) to act (S) from himself. This means that he won't allow himself to disagree with her on anything whatsoever.

Since a man cannot just stop disagreeing with a woman on some occasions, it is necessary for him to practice conjugial simulation. This means that he acts outwardly like he agrees with her even if inwardly he disagrees.

The woman will accept this as a temporary solution. Out of her inner wisdom she perceives that he needs time to change himself inwardly, and she will go along with his simulation as-if she accepts it. In other words, she will not feel agitated and upset like she does when he overtly expresses his disagreement. This is a win-win situation, so I recommend it, having practiced it myself for years.

If you think this is hypocritical, think about some more. When people are being hypocritical they have some bad purpose in mind that can injure innocent people who fall for the act and believe they are being sincere. But if you withhold expressing your disagreement or disapproval to protect the person's feelings, this person being your girlfriend or wife, then you are not being hypocritical at all. You are being conjugial and chivalrous or gallant, thus trying to be good and heavenly. Later you will experience the slow disappearance of your disagreements and disapprovals in connection with your wife or girlfriend.

A husband or boyfriend practices the unity model by remaining committed to

  • listening to his wife or girlfriend,

  • trying to agree with her with everything she explains to him,

  • hiding his disagreement or disapproval whenever he feels or thinks it,

  • valuing what she says as important and worthy of his attention, and

  • honoring what she wants, whether she asks for it or not.

This is the husband's side of the conjoint self.

On the wife's side of the conjoint self, she is committed to lead her husband by means of her feelings, intentions, and perceptions for the purpose of making him part of herself, and thereby making him happy from herself and all that she can give him. The more he listens to her and agrees with her on all that she wants, the more he can receive from her the happiness and peace he craves for.

The conjoint self is the result of a spiritual (mental) union that lasts to eternity. In a unity marriage, the husband and wife develop a conjoint self, while their former individual self recedes into the background and no longer operates.

The unity marriage is not achieved by promise, love, or declaration, but by making developmental steps of internalizing and unifying which married partners must go through with each other, like a joint growth process that takes many years of dedicated effort.

The "conjoint self" refers to a husband and wife who have achieved unity at all levels of the threefold self -- affective (feelings, intentions), cognitive (thoughts and reasoning), and sensorimotor (sensations and responses).

Each individual has been changed, dropping off some traits and acquiring new ones that can fit together. This is called growing together through differentiation in reciprocity. The husband has to abandon some traits he cherished since childhood because these habits cause opposition and disunity with the wife. The wife has to abandon some of her traits, those that she perceives do not fit with her husband's personality. Both have to acquire new traits which create a new character and personality that can fit together as a differentiated reciprocal unit.

The old traits that are abandoned and the new traits that are acquired consist of sensorimotor (S), cognitive (C), and affective (A) traits in the threefold self. These are made of:

The conjoint self operates as a synergistic unit. The husband guides his thinking and reasoning into directions that he knows his wife would approve. If he thinks something that he he knows his wife would not like or approve, he tries to reject that idea or way of thinking about something.

The wife learns the style of her husband's thinking in order to better guide him in his attempts to avoid thinking what she disapproves of. The wife's continuous and unfailing motive and intention is to find ways of conjoining her husband to herself. The more he lets her guide his thinking, the more she is able to be successful. She is totally dependent on her husband to cooperate. She does not have the power to coerce him or even to convince him of anything he doesn't want to accept. Hence her success is entirely dependent on the husband's response to her attempts -- whether he responds through the unity phase, or through the equity and dominance phases.

Levels of conjunction in marriage are ordered from relatively less to more and more interior conjunction, as will be explained below. For instance, the initial or first level of conjunction between married partners involves the sensorimotor portion of their threefold self. They like and enjoy to do things together like dancing, touching each other, partying, camping, watching movies, eating, driving, talking about their favorite topics, and so on. These overt "external" activities involve sensory and motor interactions, including verbal, which is an overt motor activity.

Of course every sensorimotor activity (S) involves thinking and feeling, but these cognitive (C) and affective (A) operations are not yet known or visible to each other at this early stage. Their focus at this stage is on the external activity of the other and self. There is less focus or concern at this stage on the particulars of what the other is thinking or feeling, as long it is favorable.

Note that these joint external activities do not necessarily mean that the two partners are in agreement with each other's way of thinking, each other's attitudes, or feelings and motivations. The cognitive and affective self of each partner may not be in agreement with the other, and they may even be competitive or hostile to the other. What is on the inside that is not visible (affective and cognitive self) may be in opposition and even hatred against the partner, while what shows on the outside--the sensory-motor activity, may appear cooperative and compatible.

This underlying non-visible disagreement or dislike they have for each other becomes suddenly visible when there is an overt fight during which the two partners show their anger, resentment, and disrespect for one other. Afterwards they make up, and the cognitive disrespect and affective dislike recede again into the underlying invisible state, lurking there, until the next fight at which time the abuse and disrespect come out again.

Women, more than men, tend to experience this external phase of the relationship as unsatisfactory, painful, and injurious. Women often have to bond with other women to support and reassure each other during this phase of disharmony with their husband or partner. During this initial phase of external sensorimotor conjunction (S), men refuse to accept the idea that they would be happier and freer if they got rid of the traits that their wife or girlfriend wants banished or extinguished from their personality and character.

During this initial phase of conjunction, the men and the women each bond with same-sex friends outside the marriage. Women use each other as a source of support for the painful labor involved in getting a man to listen to a woman. On the other hand men tend to bond with other men by complaining about women and speaking about them with disrespect. Men also keep secrets from their women and do things they want to hide from their wife or girlfriend. So while the men are willing to pursue sensorimotor conjunction (S), they are not willing to cooperate in cognitive and affective intimacy. They want to retain their cognitive and affective independence.

At this external level of conjunction, men feel more comfortable than women because they exercise more control in the relationship. Men tend to resist closer, more intimate relationship phases, in order to maintain their cognitive and affective independence. A man ordinarily dislikes giving up independence in his private thinking, feeling, and intending (plans), while a woman is generally motivated to conjoin her thinking and feeling with her man--if only he cooperates with her. A woman strives to achieve mutual and reciprocal interdependence, while a man strives to retain independence. This creates a conflict dynamic between them, especially in the first level of conjunction which is external, involving mainly the sensorimotor self.

This intrinsic difference between women and men occurs at all levels of their humanity: biological, social, psychological, and spiritual. Biologically and socially, women make themselves dependent on men for reproduction, parenting, and lifestyle habits. Psychologically, women love and enjoy the man's intelligence and inventiveness, and they adopt the husband's ideas and philosophies as their own, as long as they are morally valid.

 

Spirituallyi> (in mental anatomy), women are made of feminine intelligence on the inside (cognitive organ) and feminine conjunctive love on the outside (affective organ). Men are made of masculine intelligence on the outside (cognitive organ) and male conjunctive love on the inside (affective organ). So a man is spiritual love covered over with spiritual intelligence while a woman is spiritual intelligence covered over with spiritual love.

What is on the inside is superior or more advanced in spiritual human potential than what is on the outside. So a woman's spiritual intelligence is superior to a man's, while a man's spiritual love is superior to a woman's. This difference is due to their spiritual anatomy (see Section xx). In this way they fit together to achieve total spiritual unity in eternity. The woman's superior spiritual intelligence conjoins with the man's superior spiritual love. According to Swedenborg, conjugial conjunction in the unity model is possible only between intelligence (cognitive organ) and love (affective organ). It is not possible between intelligence and intelligence (cognitive organ with cognitive organ) or between love and love (affective organ and affective organ).

If women and men were similar in these fundamental anatomical traits, they could only form temporary external relationships in the physical world, and could never achieve eternal conjunction as the conjoint self. Their selves would remain separate because like cannot conjoin with like but only associate with it. Like can be adjoined to like, but only reciprocals can conjoin.

For example, think of the shape of reciprocals and how they would not be able to fit together if they were similar instead of reciprocal: pot and handle; key and key hole; shoe and lace; button and button hole, window and window sill, picture and frame, hand and glove, etc.

Sensorimotor disjunction refers to overt interactions whose motive is the opposite of intimacy and conjunction.

For instance, when a woman asks questions about what the man did, or why he did not do something, he typically uses this occasion to attack her or to act in an unfriendly and unsexy way towards her. For example, he might raise his voice threateningly and say, "There is nothing wrong with the way I did it, OK?"  Or things like that which he says in a rough voice intended to intimidate or scare her away from asking any more questions.

Speaking in a rough voice to your sweetheart, or a loud voice, or an unpleasant voice is a sensorimotor disjunctive act. The message she is getting from this performance is that he does not want to progress to true intimacy with her. To be willing to be mentally intimate with her would mean that he retains her in his focus when he talks to her, and she is the center of the purpose of his talking. He wants to show her his desire for intimacy by softening his voice, by inhibiting any gesture or expression that she finds intimidating or threatening.

If a woman has sex with her husband or boyfriend even though she is still remembering and feeling her intimidation of his threatening behavior, then she injures her conjugial, that is, her motivation for unity with that man.

She feels forced to have sex by thinking that if she refuses she would be accused of not being a good wife or appealing girlfriend. She may also have doubts as to what's the best thing to do. She may be afraid he will get worse or end the relationship. Other women may counsel her to have sex anyway. What she actually wants is to have sex with him but not before he made up for his disjunctive and rude behavior. If she compels herself to have sex with him before he is willing to make her feel better about what happened, then she is giving in to sexual blackmail. And the more a woman does this, the less she has the motivational power, resolve, or interest to conjoin with that man on the internal or spiritual plane.

When a man swears at a woman or calls her by insulting names or words, he is performing sensorimotor disjunctive behavior. Also, when the man refuses to answer when she talks to him.

When a man lets a woman carry the load (packages, child) when they walk together, he is performing sensorimotor disjunctive behavior. Similarly, when a man does not call her on the phone when she wants him to, as for instance when she is wondering where he is, he is performing sensorimotor disjunctive behavior. When a man forgets to mention things she wants him to remember, like anniversaries or details about her life, he is performing sensorimotor disjunctive behavior.

As discussed above, couples begin their relationship together by external sensorimotor conjunction and disjunction -- talking to each other, eating, dancing, driving, doing fun things, etc., and also, arguing, fighting, yelling, walking away. This is the sensorimotor level of their road to conjunction.

The sensorimotor level continues and deepens while things are beginning to happen with the other two selves.


3.  Part B

The second level of conjunction is deeper or more intimate in that it involves the cognitive self of the two partners.

This includes how they think, how they reason, how they justify things, what they consider acceptable or unacceptable, what information or knowledge they have, what philosophy of life and religious beliefs they officially sustain. These cognitive behaviors and habits tend to be more resistant to mutual adaptation for achieving reciprocity in the relationship. For instance, a man and a woman can be married for years and yet maintain contradictory attitudes, beliefs, and judgments. They have many areas in which they "have agreed to disagree."

To disagree is to maintain distance, which is the opposite of intimacy for conjunction. To "agree to disagree about x" makes the distance official, makes the lack of intimacy an official thing between them. This may be necessary for social or political reasons to keep peace in the marriage and family. So in that case their agreement not to talk about certain subjects is useful and serves a good purpose. Nevertheless, when they are both spiritually committed to the unity model, they will find ways of agreeing with each other on al things that are important or prominent, and thus eliminate those gaps that are a barrier to complete cognitive intimacy.

Remember this: for the unity couple

Mental intimacy = agreement

Disagreement =  lack of mental intimacy

The external sensorimotor level of conjunction does not necessarily lead to a more interior conjunction of thinking and reasoning (cognitive habits). Yet many couples achieve a certain externalizing cognitive unity by joint involvement in having a social life together, running a home, or raising children. They see 'eye to eye' on many things and enrich each other's thinking process by mutual stimulation and interest. When a man and a woman achieve this second level conjunction (cognitive), they can love each other more deeply and the relationship continues to grow and become more satisfying and enriching. The sensorimotor interactions also improve as the cognitive intimacy grows because now they are more actual or real. Sexual activity (S) is more fulfilling (A) because it now has an inner cognitive (C) intimacy to rest on.

Achieving cognitive conjunction is often easier for women because they are spiritually (or by mental anatomy) oriented towards conjunction as a felt inner compulsion.

Women desire to become a conjoint self more than they desire to retain their own ideas and philosophy, which they obtained from some other man or men. On the other hand men spiritually (by mental anatomy) are infatuated with their own ideas, and resist change for the sake of the conjoint self. Men see the conjoint self as giving up selfhood, while women see it as gaining togetherness.

However, when a wife perceives that her husband's thinking is disjunctive with her thinking, she tries to change the man's thinking rather than adopting it for herself. A wife or girlfriend has an inner spiritual perception of her man's disjunctive or separatist thinking, even while he himself is blind to it.

She can sense and perceive the man's areas of resistance to their conjunction while the man cannot. He is not as aware of his own feelings and principles as she is of his.

This is because by mental anatomy, a woman spiritual or inner mind is spiritual intelligence covered over with spiritual love, while a man is spiritual love covered over with spiritual intelligence. So a woman perceives more with her feminine spiritual intelligence than a man can perceive with his masculine spiritual intelligence. On the other hand, a man's masculine spiritual intelligence is more focused than a woman is on cognitive issues of rationality, spiritual doctrine, or theoretical explanations and debates. A woman can also match these understandings but she does not have the interest in it and love for it, that he does. 

The reason for this difference is that they have a contrastive cognitive focus -- the woman's feminine intelligence focuses on the interactional methods of conjunction with her man, while the man's masculine intelligence focuses on the methods of achieving control over the environment, which includes his woman. As a result of this difference in focus, the process of conjunction in love relationships is slow and tortuous, especially for the woman.

Cognitive intimacy is what builds cognitive conjunction. As a method of resistance to cogntive conjunction men exercise a technique we can call information flow control in their own favor. In other words, they keep secrets so they won't have to face their woman's interference or "meddling" as they think of it. This is a disjunctive behavior that prevents the build up of cognitive intimacy.

For a woman to have cognitive intimacy with her man (friend and lover), she needs to know what her man is actually thinking.

 A man who is not telling his woman what he is thinking, when she wants to know that, or when she is asking him about it, is showing her that he does not want to work for cognitive intimacy with her.

He has to face it and make up his mind. Does he want mental intimacy with her? If yes, this means cognitive intimacy, which means he has to tell her what he is thinking when she wants to know that. The normal way for a man is to hide from her what he is thinking. This is the way their relationship starts -- they each have their own cognitive life, unknown to one another. But then they become lovers and fall in love and are also best friends. Now they want to progress in their relationship experience, they long for fulfilling their relationship potential. This is especially true of women because their focus is on conjunction while the men can be distracted for years with outside tasks and efforts. Meanwhile the woman has to wait and keep her love going for him.

Understanding and supporting the unity model in their mind gives men motivational power to stop the distractions and perform a turnabout in life -- to focus on his wife as his eternal partner. Now he can start building his eternal heaven with her. The tool for building this new conjoint self is cognitive intimacy.

This means that he begins to share with her a greater and greater proportion of his thinking. His goal is to have her know everything, or everything she wants to know. When a woman asks a man a series of questions about what he did or why he thinks in a certain way, the man starts accusing the woman that she is prodding, or not trusting him, or being pushy, and tells her to back off. This is extremely unfriendly and unsexy, thus contrary to his role with her, which is to be a friend and a lover. That means he has to love her as a friend by being decent and encouraging.

Why does the man want to hide his thoughts from her?

Because he wants to retain independence in his thinking and in his planning. He is not ready to be mentally intimate with her.

From her perspective, if he loves her, he wants to be mentally intimate with her, which means allowing her to react to his thinking after he tells her what it is.

That's why the men resist mental intimacy with their woman -- because they don't want the woman to react to what they are thinking.

Sometimes men will "share" their feelings, as they call it, or even "bare their soul" as they call it, but they don't want the woman to react, other than approval and acceptance. They don't want the woman's feminine intelligence to illuminate his perspective. This is a disjunctive attitude that prevents progress in unity and friendship between them. Men can discover that if they allow the woman's feminine reaction to his thinking and intentions, they are enhanced, enriched, and empowered by it. They really love it, if only they are willing to do it, to allow their woman to react freely to what the men are thinking.

There are various reasons and situations why a husband or boyfriend doesn't want his woman to know what he is thinking. He may think that she disapproves of what he is thinking, and then he would have to face the consequences of her disapproval. He takes the disjunctive solution to the problem -- he just doesn't tell her, so she doesn't know. He cares less about the fact that this prevents cognitive intimacy and conjunction. Perhaps he irrationally thinks that he can achieve a different kind of intimacy where he doesn't have to be honest in his conversations with her. This is like chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

The unity model helps him to see that even though achieving cognitive intimacy is a very painful process, he can get through it, and then he will be a true man, happy and in an elevated mode of thinking and feeling as a human being. Then his woman will be truly happy because she is fully conjoined with him, since her life and passion exist in this conjunction. Take away this conjunction and her life dies because her love is unattainable.

A man can practice being more and more informative to his woman about what he is thinking and why. This means that he must allow her freely to have her reaction to this information. This is her basic human right that he must honor. So if she gets emotional and passionate about it, he must not injure her. He must allow her to say what she wants, how she thinks and feels about it. And he must take that into account. He cannot dismiss it by saying, Thank you for your thoughts. This would be an insult. He must do something about it.

He must change the way he is thinking about whatever it is they are talking about. Or he must keep talking to her until they reach full satisfaction of each other. Then they are getting cognitively intimate. Their future for heavenly happiness with each other is full of promise.

One of the most difficult aspects to accept and understand about the unity model is its apparent lopsidedness in favor of women. A man in the equity phase of thinking will think that it's unnatural or unfair or unwise to follow a principle that makes the woman always right and the man always wrong. Even women might think this because they have been raised to think in the masculine intelligence and perspective, which sees only the external aspects of the relationship. Women might think: But what if I'm wrong? I need the man's input and perspective where his knowledge and experience is greater than mine." Or they might think: "I've been wrong plenty of times before, so it wouldn't be right or prudent to always go after what I think about something."

These concerns are well taken, and they are valid. However you need to consider where this unity rule applies in which the husband always has to listen to the woman and agree with her.

The wife expects her husband to tell her what he thinks, how he thinks about something, and even what he thinks is wrong with her plan or conclusion about something. She wants to hear what he has to say and what he thinks. If she is wrong she will see it from his explanations. But if she is not convinced by all his explanations there remain only two possibilities: He goes along with her or she goes along with him. Here the unity rule applies: He should compel himself to go along with her. This will work almost always in normal situations.

There may be exceptions. Suppose the woman is ill, mentally deranged, not in command of her faculties due to various reasons, perverted from prior experiences, unable to think normally, in danger she does not recognize, manipulated or blackmailed by sinister others,  etc., then obviously the man is to do what he decides is best for her. But this would occur in abnormal situations, not their normal routine everyday relationship.

The third level of conjunction involves the partners' affective self -- their feelings, motivations, and goals of happiness and togetherness.

Affective conjunction is the basis of the inmost level of intimacy between husband and wife, or of boyfriend and girlfriend, when they are thinking of themselves as a permanent couple.

Only conjoint feelings, loves, desires, or goals remain operationally legitimate in their mind. This is achieved by a systematic and long term effort in reciprocal growth. The partners give up former feelings, loyalties, goals, or involvements that are not conjoint and tend to exclude the other partner in some way. Affective conjunction is weakened if one partner reserves an area of their mind or involvement that excludes the other partner.

For example, some husbands spend socializing time with male friends. The activity is such that they don't want wives or girl friends around, even if they are not cheating on them or "doing something bad." But the fact that a husband's wife is excluded, not wanted there, means that the man intends to retain independent involvements and loves that exclude his wife. These affective habits and enjoyments are not reciprocal. They do not contribute to conjunction in marriage, but slow the process down or act against it.

Still, this does not apply the same way to every man or group of friends. It's possible for there to be healthy "guy friend" relationships that do not exclude the other partner in principle, just in interest or involvement. Hence men friends can be a positive asset as well. It depends. A man should seek his wife's perspective on the people he hangs around with. This applies equally to unmarried couples who are in love. The boyfriend should seek to have the girlfriend's perspective on the friends he hangs around with and the activities going on. If he does not allow her to do this he is unwilling to be mentally intimate with her.

Women have loyalties and friendships with each other for different goals and feelings than men have friendships with each other. The involvements that married women have with other women is for supporting the marriage, not resisting it. Men have an inborn resistance to marital conjunction, a negative feeling which they have to fight against most of their life. Their male friendships, when they exclude the wife, serves their desire to escape total conjunction with their wife, at least in mutual fantasy with the other "guys." This is not so with married women and serious girlfriends since they have an inborn desire and need to strive for as much unity with their man as is possible. 

Women who are neglected, treated badly, abused, or not loved by their husbands or boy friends, gradually lose the desire and motivation for conjunction with that man.

The following diagram summarizes the three levels or phases of marriage:

 

Study the diagram. Imagine you're explaining it to your friend. Memorize the diagram. Notice its various elements and how they fit together. It's a diagram about the three phases of marriage that most, if not all, married couples go through, or live through, but each couple in a unique way. Knowing the general principle of the three phases can help you understand and manage your own relationships, or to understand the relationship of others like friends and parents.

It's important to understand that all three phases may occur simultaneously, but in different degrees of overlap as the couple progresses to unity more and more, which is a gradual process that takes years.

The diagram pictures the threefold self of the two partners and whether or not they are conjoined or united in each domain of the threefold self. Conjunction requires intimacy and harmony or agreement. When a husband models his behavior according to the traditional male dominance principle, the marriage is in phase 1 of development. As the diagram portrays, this phase conjoins the couple at the sensorimotor level, but not at the cognitive and affective levels. The husband's thinking and way of reasoning towards his wife is governed by tradition and social norms.

The wife is required and expected to submit her thinking to this traditional mode so that she thinks of herself as lower in status, authority, and freedom than men (husband, brother, uncle, stranger). Later we will study how men act when they behave from the traditional male dominance phase. So even if the wife in such a relationship accepts the man's thinking as traditional and even appropriate, she still can't conjoin herself to such male dominant views of women because they are contrary to unity, something all wives crave for.

Young or "modern" couples tend to spend time in both phases 1 and 2. The more they see themselves in modernistic terms, the more situations in marriage that they will handle according to the equity phase. This means that they do not follow the traditional norms in many areas of interaction but negotiate with each other on who does what when. This is when husbands share the domestic work load and parenting, and consult their wife regarding financial and career decisions. Most couples will alternate between equity and dominance phases depending on the situation.

The diagram shows that sensorimotor intimacy is present in both the dominance and equity phases of marriage. But cognitive intimacy or conjunction only begins with the equity phase. This is because the husband's thinking in many areas of their interaction is now influenced by his wife's thinking more than by tradition.

What is the difference between sensorimotor conjunction without cognitive conjunction (phase 1) and sensorimotor conjunction with cognitive conjunction (phase 2)? This will be studied in detail later on.

If the husband is spiritually enlightened and looks upon his marriage as eternal, then the couple can start performing more and more of their interactions through the unity model. This means that he allows affective interdependence and gives up the idea of his own emotional independence as a person. He begins to see marriage as a physiological process of growing together to achieve a conjoint self -- no longer a single whole individual, but part of a unit.

This is a long process of maturation while the couple is growing in mental intimacy at all levels of the threefold self. During this time the husband will regress towards the dominance phase many many times, which will make his wife suffer mental agony. But at the same time she now knows with certainty that they are going to stay an eternal couple in eternity, and this gives her strength to endure the husband's faltering episodes, hoping and knowing that he will eventually get rid of them.


 

4.  Unity Through Reciprocity and Differentiation

There are three principles in the unity model of "conjugial love" described by Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772).

  • First Principle--Maximum Differentiation:  No mental part or operation in a woman is like any part or operation in a man, and vice versa.
  • Second Principle--Reciprocity:  The perfection of unity in marriage increases with the diversity of its composing elements, when integrated into a conjoint self.
  • Third Principle--Eternity: The unity marriage relationship is eternal, continuing in the afterlife of heaven.

According to the first principle of marital unification the threefold self of men and women are biologically and spiritually different. This amounts to maximum differentiation or diversity in every part of the uniting components.

According to the second principle, the diversity becomes unified through reciprocity by which the traits of a woman can harmonize or fit together with the traits of a man, and vice versa.

According to the third principle, marriage is a spiritual union of mind and spirit that is not just for this world -- "till death do us part," but is eternal, since the spirit or mental self of a person is immortal (for more on this topic see the Psych 459 Lecture Notes on Theistic Psychology:  www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic/mental-anatomy.htm ). 

Here are some illustrations of these three principles acting together. Consider where you are already familiar with the unity of two different components through differentiation and reciprocity (though not with eternity). At the physical level we can see how a bolt, nut, and washer work together structurally to achieve a tight grip on some object. The form of the nut must fit exactly the form of the bolt. The bolt is different in form from the nut, and it is the particular way they are different that makes them work together, reciprocally. They would not work together as a unit if there was no differentiation and reciprocity between them. Consider the same principle operating in other functionally related objects like a hammer and nail, or like a purse and its strap, or a fork and knife, or glove and hand, shoe and foot, etc.

The same principle of reciprocity with differentiation applies to interactions between partners. When you dance, your partner must make the reciprocal steps (mirror image) -- not the same steps, as you are making, or else you step on each other. In a four-part harmony with men and women, in a quartet or other choir, the singers are differentiated into soprano, alto, tenor, and base. This differentiation is combined into a unity when they sing reciprocally according to the arrangement prescribed for each part. The result is a harmony that is rich and attractive but which cannot be achieved by any of the voices individually.

When you are talking with someone you mostly alternate between speaker and listener. These two roles are reciprocal and differentiated. When you are in the role of speaker, the other person takes on the reciprocal role of listener. And so on. All interactions therefore follow the law of reciprocity with differentiation.

Note the result of the reciprocity with differentiation process: There is a synergy or separate parts conjoined or acting together into a unity. The dancing couple is a unit made of two differentiated components (two dancers) acting in reciprocity to each other. The talking couple is a unit, with each alternating role-taking interaction. When you kiss someone on the cheek, your lips and the person's cheek are differentiated components in reciprocal relation or action. When a wife holds a husband's hand the reciprocity can generate healing power (see story below).

When a functioning unit is formed, the components together can accomplish much more than when they do not form a reciprocal unit.

For example, if you are working on some project you will find it helpful to talk about it to others or to consult other people for information and advice. Why is it helpful to talk to others? When you talk, you form a reciprocal unit with that person. It is known as creating "intersubjectivity." The two minds together are capable of much more than one mind on its own. In general being with others, forming a reciprocal unit of some sort, promotes teamwork, community life, and society.

The marriage unit is of course different from other units one can form. It is more basic, more intimate, more complicated, and more enriching than any other unit people can form. This is because of creation: Individuals are created for each other, not for themselves. As you proceed with the unity model of marriage you will begin to see why marriage is deeper than any other relationship human beings can have, having critical significance for you to eternity.

Recently in the news:

Stressed Out?
Grab Hubby's Hand

FRIDAY, Dec. 22, 2006  (HealthDay News) -- If you're a woman stressed out from work, holiday shopping, the kids or even too much traffic, grab your husband's hand for instant relief. And if you're spouse-less? Holding any male's hand is better than none.

That's the conclusion of a study published in the December issue of the journal Psychological Science.

"Hand-holding is second nature for kids" when they're under stress, said James A. Coan, assistant professor of psychology and neuroscience at the University of Virginia, who led the study. "This can also work for adults."

The happier the marriage, the greater the stress-reducing benefit, Coan found. But even a stranger's hand can help reduce stress, he said.

For the study, Coan recruited 16 married women who scored high on his marriage satisfaction quiz and gave them magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scans of their brain when confronted with stress. He subjected them to a very mild electric shock in three situations: by themselves not holding anyone's hand; holding their husband's hand; and holding the hand of a male stranger.

"First, we wanted to know what the brain is doing when the women were completely alone," he said. "We got a baseline of how the brain responds to stress."

Then, the researchers looked at the MRI images of the brain when the women held their husband's hand or the stranger's hand. "When your brain is under stress, it has to work hard, it has all these different problems to solve," Coan said.

"We found when you are holding a hand, any hand, the parts of your brain responsible for mobilizing your body into action calm down," Coan said. "It doesn't matter whose hand it is. "

But a husband's hand provided the greatest benefits. "Both hands calmed the bodily reaction to stress," Coan said, "but only the spousal hand can calm the mind, only a husband's hand calmed down the region of the brain that keeps your emotions in check."

And the happier the marriage, the greater the benefits. Among couples in the study who scored the highest on marital satisfaction -- pairs that Coan termed "super couples" -- the women got even more benefit from spousal hand-holding than did the other women.

Coan found that the region of the brain thought to be associated with experience of pain quieted down even more in those women. "If you are in a 'super couple,' hand-holding serves as a kind of analgesic," he said.

Whatever the amount of benefit, Coan said he believes "the brain works a lot less hard when there is someone else helping us cope. One of my students said, 'It's like the brain is contracting out some of the work,' keeping our brain less stressed."

Dr. Charles Goodstein, a psychoanalyst at New York University Medical Center and a clinical professor of psychiatry at New York University School of Medicine, said the study gives scientific credence to long-time observations. "Interaction between members of a species can have a momentous impact on emotion, and emotion can have a profound impact on bodily functioning," he said.

Often, Goodstein noted, medications are used to provide relief from anxiety and anticipated anxiety. "This study shows that there is a better way."
From:   www.forbes.com/forbeslife/health/feeds/hscout/2006/12/22/hscout600407.html

This is a cute story. I'm glad scientists may be beginning to realize how special is the relationship of husband and wife. Note that "super-couples" benefit even more from hand holding. I hold my wife's hand when we are together --watching TV, driving, walking. She says it calms her down. She misses it when I forget to do it. When I was panicked about a surgical procedure on my face the doctor let me hold her hand and it was very calming. When my wife had laser eye correction surgery her regular eye doctor made it a point to be present and held her hand. My wife found it very calming during the few minutes of stress. 

In the sensorimotor domain of gender interactions we can see how a woman's body is differentiated from a man's body, and how the parts of the man are shaped to fit the parts of the woman. No doubt this is the analogy upon which electrical objects are designated, as for instance the wall receptacle is called the female and the plug is called the male. They act together to form a unit through differentiation and reciprocity of physical form or shape. When you consider sports teams, government departments, or armies, you notice a similar reciprocity of different role behaviors, so that they can achieve joint action, unity, or several acting as one. In fact throughout nature, and even the universe, you will find a unified whole made of differentiated parts acting in synergy. It makes sense therefore to have a model of gender unity that is based on the two acting as one through differentiation and reciprocity.

A well known symbolic representation of sensorimotor unity is the familiar Ying/Yang emblem. According to ancient tradition, it  "demonstrates the perfectly balanced interchange of the two dynamically opposed forces of the Universe, the dot represents integration." In Tai Chi and I Ching traditions, the white area of the emblem represents heaven, the dark area earth and the curvy line between them represents the Law or reality. In Feng Shui the Yin/Yang represents the integration of Female/Male duality: "Yin and Yang are dependent opposites that must always be in balance." And: "It is a duality that cannot exist without both parts." (See for example this Web site:  www.168fengshui.com/Articles/Article_yinyang.htm

In other words, it is the differentiation that makes the perfection of unity out of reciprocity.

The man and the woman as a couple can be totally integrated, or form a unity, because they are completely different but in a way that is reciprocal. Nothing of the male mind can be like anything of the female mind or else they could not conjoin into a perfect unity (Yin/Yang diagram shows all white vs. all black for the two). But they curve around into each other, in a perfect fit of reciprocal union, the perfect circle. This is the principle of "synergy" which is defined as "combined action or operation." It comes from the Greek "synergos" or  working together. In business "synergism" refers to "a mutually advantageous conjunction or compatibility of distinct business participants or elements (as resources or efforts)" (Merriam-Webster Online).

The principle of synergy operates universally where separate elements interact to produce a joint goal.

Synergy is obvious in the physical body where thousands of separate and differentiated parts work together to produce the functions of a normal human body. How many parts does a computer need to be able to function -- one million? To function means to operate as a synergistic unit.

The more there are parts that make a unit, the more perfect the unit is.

The human brain contains billions of cells, and Swedenborg says that each cell is like a little brain that is made of billions of other things that exist in a cell. To make up the unit of a human being many billions and trillions of components had to be created by God so it may operate in a synergistic unit. The physical world of endless space and expanding galaxies of stars and planets, is the most perfect natural thing created. Think of the numberless elements the physical world must contain if just one cell of one plant contains billions of parts acting as one cell. Through the positive bias in science it is known that to God infinite things make a unit and function as one.

You can comprehend a little better now the rational principle that the perfection of a unit increases with the number of parts that operate in unison.

Our mental organs are made of substantive elements from the Spiritual Sun in the mental world of eternity. This Spiritual Sun is the source of infinite substantial elements that continuously enter and enrich the mental world of humanity.

What is difficult to comprehend with natural ideas of time and place is the difference between the Spiritual Sun which is substantial in mental ether, and the physical sun which is material in time-space. How would you describe the difference to your friends if you wanted them to consider the issue from a scientific perspective -- remember: not negative bias scientific, but positive bias scientific (and this you will have to keep remembering yourself, and to keep reminding your friends. Then both of you may have the opportunity to examine this ideas rationally and with coherent explanations.

Think of your dreams and day dreams. You are creating scenes with things and people in them. You are recreating elements not only in your memory -- which is in the cognitive organ, but in your affective organ of emotions and motives. Your hopes, fears, and enjoyments are powerful operations in your affective organ. They possess the power to influence, even control, the operations in your cognitive organ -- hence what should be the content of your thoughts and dreams. So the source of dreams or imagined things (C) is our love and its affections (A), which operate in the affective organ (A).

Every thought or daydream you ever had, every sensation you ever had, moment by moment all your life, and every emotion or feeling or desire you ever experienced, are all permanently recorded in your mental organs -- affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor. The record is permanent because the components are immortal and eternal -- sensations, thoughts, feelings in the spiritual body.

Swedenborg confirmed by observation and experiment that this is true. He had the opportunity to interview and experiment with thousands of people in their afterlife of eternity. No operation in our mental organs, once it occurs, can be erased or changed. People who had already been settled in eternity for untold ages were easily able to recall any detail of their life on earth, which was thousands of years since they had lived on earth. In order to have access to earth memories they had to exit from their celestial consciousness in which they were, and lower it all the way to the external level called the natural mind. This is the mind that you are conscious in now, as you read this and do your daily activities.

After we are resuscitated, we are given the opportunity, actually the necessity, to make a critical life changing choice. Is there any hellish trait we are unwilling to part with?

If there is just one trait you don't want to give up no matter what, your powerful affective organ will activate this one trait to greater and greater intensity, until it reaches paroxysms of excess, and the individual enters a mental state called eternal spiritual insanity. This means that they prefer to suffer the mental torments and inconveniences of a hellish mental life to a heavenly mental life. Every person makes their own choice, in fact, every person feels compelled to make the choice they love the most.

This is because in the mental world of the afterlife there is no external limit or restraint to hold someone in check, as there is here on earth. All actions here on earth have their consequences -- physical, social, and legal. But all this disappears from our focus after resuscitation, since we no longer have a connection to the physical body and the world it is in. So once you are resuscitated nothing can stop you from what you want to do. Except of course -- other people. Whatever hellish trait you desire to hold on to, you will live with it forever in eternity. Also, the hellish traits, whatever they are, tend to get worse and worse as they devolve forever.

Heavenly traits you love and want to hold on to in eternity create a beautiful world of appearances in your consciousness. To you and to your partner, your life in the heaven of your eternity is populated with others who desire and enjoy what you do, but they also have a way of enriching your experience endlessly, every day of eternity. This is the conjugial heaven that every individual has in the upper layers of their mental organs. All we need to do is to acquire the love for this heaven more intensely than any other love that we can have.

The unity model of marriage is a method that helps us build such a heavenly marriage in the course of our lifetime here, and then continue it in eternity.

Society is viewed as made up of separate and unique family units forming themselves into a community and abiding by mutual norms, laws, and expectations. The same reasoning applies to the marriage relationship which society officially sanctions and licenses. Society recognizes that a married couple forms a new unit that acts together for common goals and that the partners are united by positive feelings and loyalties. Married couples who live according to the unity model represent the most perfect unit or a "one" that a man and a woman can form together. Affective unity is the most essential, and it influences the cognitive and sensorimotor unity that is possible for that couple.

Unity is achieved through the synergy of the threefold self of each partner acting together. There is no independence in any area or under any circumstance. All points of independence have been transformed into points of interdependence. Even when the two are in physically in different locations (e.g., at home vs. at work), they remain united because each partner acts and thinks when alone as if the other were present.

In order for this to be a reality, the husband has to learn his wife's preferences in all things, just as his wife does that for him. He has to internalize his wife's thinking and reasoning, just as she has done that about the husband in her mind. When she realized that she was in love with the man, she felt compelled by her love for him, to conjoin his attitude, humor, and style of thinking to her own thinking. It's as if she has a little version or model of her husband in her mind, and she is therefore able to interpret things according to his interpretation. Sometimes women are so attached and so influenced in this process of cognitive conjunction with their man, that they seem to their girl friends to have changed personality after meeting the man she is in love with.

But the man lags behind this active process of unifying his mind to the woman's mind.

It's natural for a boyfriend or a husband to express resistance to doing the same thing in his mind about her, as she has done about him in her mind. Men spontaneously resist the process of unification. They experience it as a threat to their comforts and status of independence and superiority or dominance. However if a man becomes spiritually enlightened, knowing the permanence of the relationship to eternity, then he is powerfully motivated to unifying his mind to hers. He will then inhibit the instinctive resistance he feels for giving up his cognitive and affective independence.

Under this powerful motivation he can compel himself to learn his wife's way of thinking and reasoning. He can compel himself to listen to her, to actually listen, not just pretend. Men by instinct and socialization, normally dismiss what a woman says or thinks. He will deny this and he will pretend otherwise, but careful observation by the girlfriend or wife will reveal whether he is willing to internalize her way of thinking and reasoning, or whether he will continue to fight it and dismiss it.

A woman in the effort of conjunction, wants the man to think like her and to understand how she thinks, first of all, and second, she wants him to like it, to love it.

She knows whether he loves her way of thinking by the way he acts and talks. Every statement, gesture, or facial expression of the man is an index the woman can read. Her motivation to conjoin gives her perception of the man's inner resistance to her and her effort to conjoin him to herself, to her bosom, so that she may be his love as he has become her love. Through this mutual romantic love between best friends and lovers, they can be a unity in eternity. In this state of conjugial unity both he and she are magnified to their highest human potential for which they were created to achieve in eternity.

Our culture gives us the expectation that spiritual and sexual are opposed to each other. This false legend is most harmful to people who adopt it as a justification for their life philosophy and base their character and life on this opposition. The positive bias regarding the Swedenborg reports clearly demonstrates to us that our life in eternity is founded upon conjugial love. Swedenborg was told by both husbands and wives that sexual pleasures among heavenly partners is experienced in their spiritual body, and that this sensation is far superior to sexual sensations experienced in the natural mind through the physical body.

This is because the physical body actually acts as gross material filter that far diminishes the mental sensation in our natural mind. After the loss of the physical body and consequent resuscitation of the immortal spiritual body in eternity, the natural mind becomes so weak and unimportant that it loses all functionality and goes into a state of shut down or hibernation. We then have our conscious awareness in the spiritual mind and the celestial mind, which are suited for life in eternity.

The unity model as a method of practice for married partners, helps them to achieve spiritual unity in eternity. The experience of married partners still here on earth, who are working within the unity model, is a foretaste of the spiritual and celestial life they are going to have in eternity. This heavenly life in eternity is possible for any married couple. The couple reaches this virtual marriage heaven on earth when the husband is fully committed in philosophy and attitude to act from the image of his wife within himself.

Before this landmark, he acts from himself whenever he wants to, but he also can act according to his wife's preferences, whenever he wants to. He remains independent. He decides when he listens to his wife, and when he listens to himself. This attitude, and the philosophy behind it, is anti-unity rather than unity.

See what this news article says regarding current thinking about marriage:

Love doesn't necessarily mean marriage: survey

Fri Jan 4, 2008 12:04am IST
 

NEW YORK (Reuters Life!) - Four out of 10 Americans say they don't need a marriage certificate to prove love or commitment, according to a new online survey.

Overall, 44 percent of the 7,113 Americans aged 20 to 69 who took part in the poll by Zogby International and AOL Personals said they didn't need marriage to validate their relationships.

"Across all age groups, you just don't need a marriage certificate to mean love," AOL Personals Director Keith Brengle told Reuters.

"People are coming online to find that special someone but that special someone doesn't necessarily translate into a marriage, and more so with the folks in their 60s."

Half the respondents between the ages 20 and 29 said marriage wasn't necessary.

A majority of respondents also said they would prefer to live together first before marriage and most said marriage should truly be until "death do us part," especially those in their 30s (73 percent).

Trust was ranked highly important to most singles polled, especially for those in their 20s.

Although 20-somethings said they were more open to experimenting with sexual relationships, they were also more willing to end a partnership over infidelity when compared to respondents in their 50s and 60s.

"Trust is still extremely important for the 20-somethings -- they wouldn't work through any infidelities, they'd walk away," Brengle said.

However, older respondents were more interested in companionship, didn't feel the need to be married and were more comfortable accepting infidelity "as a part of life."

"They've probably been tested so they're much more accepting of things that traditionally you would think they wouldn't be," Brengle said.

"As such they're going to be less likely to have to snoop through a partner's things to try to find indiscretions."

The survey also found that as people age they are more likely to believe that more than one soulmate exists.

A majority of those polled said they would date someone their friends found unattractive, were willing to date someone with different political or religious beliefs, a different race or a person with a physical disability.

However, the poll showed people were less willing to date someone with a life-long sexually transmitted disease or someone with poor hygiene.

The poll was conducted between Nov 9 and 12, 2007, and has a margin of error of +/- 1.2 percentage points.

(Reporting by Natalie Armstrong; Editing by Paul Casciato)

The above is from: http://in.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idINL0312488620080103?sp=true

Once the husband switches commitment to the unity model of eternal union, his main problem becomes how not to lapse into his anti-unity mode of interacting called disjunctive. He throws a temper tantrum and stamps his foot and refuses to budge. His strategy is to keep arguing with her until she is exhausted and emotionally drained. Then she has to quit, and he wins the argument. Or, else, he walks out and deprives her of any further access and input to his mind. Hence nothing gets resolved in her mind, and she suffers abandon by her so-called friend-lover. Seduced and abandoned. When he returns, he does not want to spend the effort of making things right again between them. Instead he wants to express his emotions by having sex with her. This puts her in a bind called sexual blackmail. If she says, "NO, you must make up for what you did", he acts like he lapses back into the hostile mode. If she gives in, she feels manipulated and furious at him, and at herself. 

This and many other things like this, have to be overcome by the husband or boyfriend, using the strength and clarity provided by the wife or girlfriend.

This is how unification is possible and in no other way, given the spiritual anatomy of men and women, and the developmental psychobiology of the conjugial conjunction process.

Unification is a process of anatomical symbiosis and physiological cooperation through interdependent cognitive and affective operations. Now the man is unwilling to think or act from himself, as he so often did before, and feels guilt and intense anxiety when he acts against his wife's way of thinking. But he feels peace, security, and empowerment when he acts and thinks from the image of his wife that he has incorporated within himself.

 The husband's approach is different when he acts from the "dominance phase" in his mind. This idea of sharing the burden and the benefits, is also transmitted in our socialization process and is part of our modern culture so that everyone follows some norms of equity in various areas of living. This is a good thing in public life because it acts to reduce discrimination against women, which has been the traditional practice and still is for the most part. Gender relationships in dating or marriage may start with men assuming traditional dominant roles and women being submissive. But the relationship can then move on to the equity phase which helps the two partners by reducing the traditional heavy load of expected work on women, and can make their relationship more intimate at the cognitive level. But the equity phase need not be the last phase. The couple can then move into the unity phase which affords still more intimacy at the affective level (see diagrams above).

Ask yourself this question: If equity is given up for unity, which of the two partners should be giving up their equal power which they had under equity?

If it is the woman who gives up equal power or equity, then the couple falls back into the traditional male dominance phase that they started with, in which the man dominates the woman in socially prescribed ways. On the other hand if it is the man who gives up equity power in decision making, then they move forward into the unity model, which leads to still greater intimacy, growth, and mutual love as best friends and lovers to eternity. This conclusion will be reviewed in detail in our class discussions throughout the semester. Be sure you understand it as it is the key principle in achieving unity in marriage.

Why should the man be the one to give up power sharing? Why should the woman end up with all the power in the relationship?

The answer is that it's not about giving up power but about cooperating.

The husband intrinsically has all the power (physically, socially, financially, culturally) and retains all the power, even under the unity model.

This is a fact of life and society. The husband must compel himself not to use the power that he has over his wife.

The wife never acquires power over the husband, but the husband cooperates by not using the power he could use.

So to observers, it may look like the wife is dominant and powerful in the relationship because the husband is always doing things the way she wants it done. The wife instinctively takes charge of him in all the details of life, and manages them. She tells him do this, don't do that, and, do it this way not that way. And he says, "Yes, Sweetheart." and does what she wants. So to his unenlightened friends it may appear that he is being dominated by his wife. But to himself he appears enlightened, and he feels the happiness and peace of conjunction.

And he also sees that his wife is effective and intelligent in the things she takes charge of and manages. But this is a process of gradual maturation and the husband will regress back many times into the dominance mode of interacting. Nevertheless, each time he is able to recover, and to continue with the maturation process.


EXERCISE 3.1

 

Read the above Sections 3 and 4 through first. Then read it again with the following questions in mind (it's good to type out notes for yourself as the ideas come to you).

1) To what extent do your current views on relationships reflect your socialization experiences, including school, peer group, and the media?

2) How much thinking and figuring out have you done to see if some of these received views on couples and marriage are possibly invalid perhaps injurious to the achievement of affective mental intimacy between a man and a woman? (e.g. : soul mates, true love forever, best friends and lovers, lasting romance, never ending passion and enthusiasm)

3)  Examine and pinpoint some of your beliefs and attitudes on man-woman relationships. Examine the lyrics of songs you listen to -- how do they portray relationships, men, women, marriage?

4) What is your reaction to learning about the conjoint self in the unity model? Describe to your partner or friend what this idea involves, namely, unity, eternity, reciprocity, differentiation, mental intimacy, interdependence, external and internal conjunction.

5) What is your reaction to reading that in order to achieve unity and mental intimacy, the man has to compel himself to agree with the woman whenever they don't agree?
By doing this the man becomes affectively interdependent with the woman, and thus united. But when the man retains his disagreement he also retains his affective independence, and this makes affective intimacy impossible since she cannot trust that he will always protect her feelings. Affective intimacy for a woman means that she trusts the man to protect her feelings no matter what the situation or issue is (e.g., when a man gets angry or resentful or critical or deceptive, he is hurting her feelings)

6) Discuss with your partner or friends the diagram that summarizes the three levels or phases of marriage: male dominance, equity, unity. 


This is the end of Part 1b

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