Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage Part 2b Fall 2008 University of Hawaii Dr. Leon James

6. Unity Model in Marriage:
*Basic E***nnead Chart of Interactions

This is Table 6.1
The Basic Ennead Matrix: The Nine Zones in Marriage
(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR (external) S	COGNITIVE (internal) C	AFFECTIVE (inmost) A
UNITY conjunctive interactions	7	8	9
EQUITY negotiated interactions	4	5	6
MALE DOMINANCE coercive interactions	1	2	3

All ennead charts are read from bottom up.

This ennead chart ("ennead" = nine), shows that there are nine succeeding stages or steps for achieving unity in marriage. The nine phases are marked in the intersecting cells. This basic ennead chart clearly shows you that the unity model (cells 7, 8, 9) cannot be reached without first going through the dominance (cells 1, 2, 3) and equity phases (cells 4, 5, 6). You need to remember this. A couple's interactions can occur in any of the nine zones, depending on the situation.

For example, one couple can start their marriage with 90 percent of their interactions classifiable as falling in the traditional male dominance phase (cells 1, 2, 3). Soon they move away from their home town, start a career, and have children. This new situation prompts them to spend less of their interactions in the male dominance phase as they need to coordinate with each other for daily tasks. Now they may spend 20 percent of their interactions in the male dominance phase, 75 percent in the equity phase, and 5 percent in the unity phase. At some point the husband becomes enlightened and realizes that his marriage with this woman is eternal. He may also realize that in the afterlife, he and his wife will be like one, so he needs to prepare for that mental state since it requires new skills. In the next few years this couple may spend more and more of their interactions in the unity phase (cells 7, 8, 9), having learned how to avoid interactions in the male dominance or equity phases (cells 1 through 6).

In subsequent discussion below, we will examine what kind of interaction occurs within each cell of the basic ennead chart. Without knowing this, the chart is just an empty structure, like an envelope you get in the mail that has nothing in it when you open it. You need to memorize the basic ennead chart as all the other charts are derivations from it.

Note that the nine intersecting cells are generated when you keep track of what happens to the threefold self of husband and wife as they progress towards unity. It would be very beneficial for you to memorize this chart so you can reproduced it on paper, and then mentally picture it as you think about these issues and read the explanations to follow. The chart will re-appear several times throughout the rest of the presentation, each time with new content, but the same basic ennead chart.

Try to make a mental picture of the chart as you read the following explanations. If you make sure you fully understand it, you will be able to use the chart in your everyday thinking about relationships, your own, or those of others.

Take a few minutes to memorize the chart. If you can reproduce it on paper without looking at the original, then you know you've got it memorized.

Note that that the threefold self (columns) is conceptualized in relation to the model or philosophy that the partners use in their daily interactions (rows). This "model" may not be clearly conscious in their mind if you ask them about about it. Nevertheless it is like the habits children spontaneously pick up from their peers and parents, much of it without their conscious awareness. These habits and attitudes operate sub-consciously or outside our normal conscious focus, so that later as adults, we are not clearly aware that we are following these practices or habits ("models"). It is called a model because it is shared with others who also practice this model, whether or not they do so consciously or without clear awareness.

Most people assume that what they are thinking and how they are feeling is private and personal to them. They do not realize that our mental operations are standardized or imprinted by our culture and socialization. This includes how we think, how we justify things, what we assume automatically, what we admire, what we imagine, what we are afraid of, etc. These are all mental scripts that follow the group practices of others in our social group. Without this mental standardization, national surveys would not be possible, and an "average" for a population would not be meaningful.

When you ask people about their behavior and attitude you are getting answers that relate to the person's self-image and reputation. This is known in psychology as the social desirability effect in interviews. But besides giving answers that are socially acceptable, one also avoids giving answers that are not consistent with the kind of person you want others to think you are. This principle also applies to you, when you are thinking about what kind of person you are. There are many areas and zones of our personality that we are not aware of, and should we become aware of them, we would be dissatisfied with ourselves.

People work hard to avoid becoming aware of their own physical habits (unclean, gross) and mental practices (prejudices, inconsistencies). Why?

Because to become aware of our habits and practices would mean that we might need to change them.

People are inherently resistant to changing themselves. Why?

Because they love themselves, they love themselves as they are, they love their habits and practices indiscriminately.

Human beings are governed by their loves (A). We are governed by the loves we inherit and the loves we acquire. Part of becoming a confident adult in a competitive society may be to love ourselves, to stand up for our ideas, to protect our reputation, to form alliances or friendships with others who accept you as you are.

Now you can see that the interactions between married partners that fall in cells 1 through 6 are learned habits of the threefold self.

Couples within a community or family are social copies or typical "models" of each other, even though each couple varies as to how much time they spend in each cell and the unique style with which they perform those activities.

There is a main system of group practices shared by all married threefold selves in a community. Within that main system, there are sub-streams that characterize social varieties of interactions between married partners. Once you learn how to use the ennead chart for observations of your interactions and those of others, you will be able to chart or map out the interactions that are prominent in a relationship. This allows you to evaluate where the relationship is going and how it might be managed to success.

First, the threefold self of the husband and wife must conjoin themselves at the usual dominance level -- zones 1, 2, 3. This is characterized by the coercive treatment of the wife by the husband. This mode of interaction is traditionally male dominant. Husbands rely on the coercive power of tradition and expectation to force their wife to be obedient, regardless of her feelings.

The husband who acts from the dominance phase is closest to his wife in the sensorimotor zone of interaction (cell 1). So while the wife is being physically intimate with her husband, at the same time she is not being as intimate with him at the cognitive and affective zone of interactions (2 and 3). This is why the number 1 in cell 1 (S) is bigger in the chart than the numbers in cells 2 (cognitive) and 3 (affective).

This pattern is called "coercive" because the wife is not given an opportunity to share her thoughts and feelings about the sensorimotor obedience. She is required to behave in the expected way or she gets punished in various ways -- physical threat, verbal abuse, condemnation, criticism, being abandoned, etc. Hence the male dominance phase relies on sensorimotor coercion of women's sensorimotor behavior, and suppression of her cognitive and affective behavior, except within permissible limits.

It took several years of effort for me to recognize the various sub-conscious habits I had for controlling my wife and coercing her indirectly, rather than directly. This allowed me to claim for years that I did not use coercion with my wife. I preferred to claim that I was fair or gentlemanly. But bit by bit I began to pay attention to how she described feeling my coerciveness. One example was raising my voice as soon as she was challenging my opinion or interpretation. She would say, "Please stop yelling at me." and I would retort, "I'm not yelling. What's the matter with you." -- thus proving that I was yelling at her both physically with a louder, more intimidating voice, and with the speech act: "What's the matter with you" which is an attack on her because it implies that I think there is something wrong with her.

Other male dominance phase disjunctive sensorimotor habits of mine by which my wife felt coerced included

frowning at her when I disagreed or disapproved of what she was doing or saying
turning the lips down when I was rejecting what she was saying
putting my hands on the hips when I was impatient or rebellious
looking away, not meeting her eyes
interfering with her breathing by interrupting her when she talks
talking about disturbing things when she wants to relax
not shaving carefully, leaving long strands of hair showing that she disliked
not trimming my bushy eyebrows that bothered her
postponing going for a haircut after she announced that I need it
talking and eating with the mouth open which she found gross
putting on dark socks with light slacks, or vice versa, which violated her sense of decor
wandering off when we were shopping together, so she had to look for me
getting in the car, then making her wait while going back in the house for something
not cleaning up my work area until she felt compelled to do it for me
making her repeat her words, acting distracted or inattentive
grabbing her arm and pulling to get her to walk faster or to move away
refusing to learn to fold clothes properly, so she had to redo it
honking to get her attention somewhere in public
going outside to put out the garbage while wearing indoor shorts which she thought of as indecent
making dogs bark by walking too close to a fence
driving without checking about the route first and getting lost or being late
leaving the closet doors open
not drying the bathroom sink counter after using it
mixing dark and light clothes, cotton and flannel, in the wash machine
putting in too much laundry soap in the wash machine
not watering or fertilizing plants after I agreed to take care of them
walking in the garage with sandy shoes
etc. etc.

Husbands and boyfriends who act in ways similar to what I describe above, are following the male dominance phase in the relationship -- even if they deny it, as I have for years. It is the wife or girlfriend who has the objective view since she experiences her reactions to every little thing he does or fails to do.. Hence the rational and gentlemanly thing for the man to do is to listen to what the wife says makes her feel coerced by his sub-conscious habits, instead of rejecting and disagreeing with what she says about it.

When a man says to a woman "I love you." he incurs a series of obligations as a result. If he strives to meet these obligations he is a gallant man, a real man, a contended man who is moving on to a spiritual marriage and eternal happiness. No woman can resist feeling attracted to such a man and loving him back with all that she has. But as we all know, most men are not gallant and truly real with women most of the time. They say "I love you." many times, but then they do no intend to meet the relationship obligations that this declaration entails. They settle down into their comfort zone and gradually stop inhibiting themselves from performing the disjunctive sensorimotor acts of the type listed above. In effect they take the position that if a woman loves a man she should allow him his comfort zones and not make an issue about them.

The male dominance pattern is easy to see in foreign cultures and with couples who relate to a foreign family background. It's more difficult for us to see it in our own interactions, even though many couples actually relate to each other through this dominance model. A couple may describe themselves "officially" as following the equity phase (zones 4, 5, 6). This phase relies on negotiation rather than coercion. Notice in the basic ennead chart above that zone 5 (cognitive) is given the emphasis. In the male dominance phase, zone 1 is given prominence (sensorimotor). When partners relate to each other through negotiation, their intimacy focus is on the cognitive (C) rather than on the sensorimotor (S) or affective (A).

When a man habitually performs disjunctive sensorimotor acts (such as in the list above) he is acting according to the male dominance model in his mind. He loves (A) to think (C) that she should accommodate (S) to his comforts and physical habits (S). This is what he thinks of a woman, and a woman's love for him. Girlfriends who move in with their boyfriends are made to feel intimidated and pressured to accept the man's argument about his physical habits. The man confronts her with the challenging "If you love me..." or "Why aren't you more accommodating?" Etc. This makes the woman hold back. She gets uncertain, confused. How much should she push? What if she is too picky or intolerant. Etc. This is injurious to her striving for unity with this man. He is slowly defeating her, destroying the possibility of their becoming mentally intimate and best friends. He is putting a limit on their relationship for selfish and foolish and unworthy reasons (unmanly, cowardly).

I was like that for many years -- unmanly, cowardly, burning the unity bridges that remained connected between us. But my wife was a fierce conjugial warrior. She matched my extremity with her greater extremity. She never let up on what I thought at the time to be her pickiness, her unreasonableness, her perfectionist demands. Because she never gave up on me, always being in my face with my disjunctive unsexy behaviors, I gradually started taking her requests seriously and learned how to perform conjunctive sensorimotor acts.

Contrast the above list with some of the conjunctive sensorimotor habits that I have had to acquire in the unity model:

first of all, stopping the sensorimotor disjunctive behaviors listed above
second, doing sensorimotor conjunctive acts instead, as listed below
smiling at her when she walks into the room (vs. continuing what I was doing)
graciously allowing her to interrupt my tasks (vs. complaining about it)
coordinating my walking with her so she feels comfortable
making that phone call she wants me to do now instead of later
not interrupting her when she is talking
not wearing shirts with dirty spots on them
keeping my face clean of unseemly hair
folding clothes so she won't feel like she has to redo it
taking care of her when she needs to relax
helping her select and shop for clothes, shoes, accessories, make up, gifts
knowing what she likes to eat and drink
keeping my drawers and closets neat
remembering where things are (vs. always asking her)
laughing at her sense of humor
not embarrass her in public by talking too loud or "making a scene"
agreeing and smiling when she talks (vs. disagreeing, frowning, and shaking the head)
doing things she wants done right away (vs. postponing)
always being civil with strangers, including the phone
always seeing her off at the door when she leaves the house
surprising her with a gift or a new fun idea
holding hands while watching her favorite programs or movies with her
doing yoga and walks with her
giving her massages (see this video: http://video.ivillage.com/player/?id=179060 )
staying with her when she gets dressed and talking
taking care of people who come to the front door
helping her with bills and record keeping (vs. letting her do it all alone)
calling her cell phone whenever she might wonder where I am
keeping my cell phone on so she can contact me whenever she wants
etc. etc.

When the focus of the intimacy is on the cognitive (C) (equity phase, zone 5), the wife can hold her own with the man since she is just as smart at negotiating as he is, and maybe even more skilled at it. Unfortunately, while the woman is motivated to play fair in the negotiation process, the man reserves the right to revert to the male dominance phase whenever he feels like doing that.

For example, the man may be going along in the negotiating process, when all of a sudden he refuses to cooperate or to be intimate with her thinking process. He rejects her thinking process and disagrees flatly with it. He refuses. He falls silent. He shows anger. He threatens. He walks out. In all of this, he has reverted back to the male dominance phase of interacting.

There is not much the woman can do at that point. The man has broken cognitive intimacy with her. He is facing her with his made up mind and decision. She has no choice but to feel coerced by him. The friendship is broken. They are no longer best friends. They have reverted to being lovers in the male dominance phase where she feels sexually coerced, blackmailed, threatened with negative consequences if she doesn't show obedience. She now she has to wait until the man becomes more rational and responsible, willing to compel himself to get back into the equity phase and respect her cognitive intimacy. Then they can grow further together by conjoining their threefold self again, under the equity phase -- zones 4, 5, 6.

Many husbands and boyfriends resist the equity phase and insist on going back to the male dominance phase whenever the woman tries to have him abandon some obnoxious habits.

But if the man changes his mind and sticks to the equity phase (instead of sneaking back into the male dominance phase), then the couple can grow still further towards fully being conjoined and intimate in their threefold self. Eventually couples can move into the unity stages -- zones 7, 8, 9. This happens when the husband adopts a new way of interacting with his wife. This new way has to do with his thinking about eternity as a couple.

But keep remembering that in actuality the interactions of couples fall into a frequency distribution pattern across all nine cells.

In the unity model of interaction (zones 7, 8, 9), the husband allows the wife's feminine intelligence or way of thinking, to lead his own masculine intelligence -- whenever they are encountering a significant difference with each other.

This is called affective intimacy, which is why the number in zone 9 is emphasized.

He has to tell himself repeatedly that her way of thinking is different from his, and that he is going to make the decision each time (if he can), that he will follow her way instead of his way. After some serious and honest practice, he will be able to stay in the unity model for more and more of his interactions with his wife (conjunctive behaviors).

This must be voluntary on his part and occurs when he becomes spiritually enlightened from a desire to be conjoined eternally to his wife. He realizes that in eternity couples have to be "of one mind (C) and one heart" (A), which means having cognitive intimacy with affective intimacy, and from these two, sensorimotor intimacy. As a result, the man is now willing to let go of his own independent self, for the sake of a new self called the conjoint self.

With this new conjoint self he is no longer mentally an independent person or human being.

He can no longer choose to will (A) and plan (C) on his own -- except when he admittedly slides back into lower zones, which happens repeatedly and is normal in the early years. Whatever he does (S), think (C), or strive for (A), he consults his wife's preferences, either verbally with her or mentally with himself.

To be able to do this he needs to first achieve cognitive conjunction or intimacy in the unity model of operation (zone 8). This will give him the interactions he needs in order to find out how she thinks about something. When he knows what she prefers and how she prefers it to be done, and he wants to make her happy, he will be able to listen to what she wants and honor that in his own mind. Then and only then will he begin to become her soul-mate, her best friend, her romantic partner. They will be unified at all three levels of human conjunction.

Even if this process takes years to complete, the couple will derive significant benefits throughout the lengthy process of maturing their conjoint self.

And all along they both know that this is only the beginning of their conjugial eternity in a heavenly state.

There is no pressure or impatience or waste, but only a steady expanding passion they have for each other, so they know with inner confidence that they are succeeding.

This romantic love and inmost confidence they have with each other is felt as a spiritual conjunction or love. This experience opens their spiritual rationality and intelligence. It changes their mental anatomy and physiology. They enter a stage of human evolution that is higher than what they had before.

Men and women who are in love spend some of their interactions in the unity zones. This is especially visible during the dating and honeymoon period of their interactions. The husband is romantic, friendly, attentive, generous, and is careful to inhibit some of his grosser traits and habits. Then, when the honeymoon period is over, Boom! he starts showing the other zones of his personality. He starts using coercive tactics to dominate her and to get what he wants out of her. He sometimes puts on a show of negotiating with her and lets her think he is being sincere. Meanwhile, in the privacy of his mind, he plots to do things he wants to hide from her. The unity zones of romance, friendship, attentiveness, generosity, and civility that he performed for her during the honeymoon period, are now empty cells, unused, neglected, abandoned.

Now the husband is on a developmental plateau. His higher human potential and inner peace or confidence are eluding him. His enthusiasm for life is slowly dying -- losing optimism and being cynical, losing romance and replacing it with familiarity and nothing special. And his passion and enthusiasm for her dies -- unless he can compel himself to rescue their future together in eternity. He thinks of his eternity with her, and he realizes that conjugial unity is the beginning for achieving full human potential.

The husband must be willing therefore to acquire an accurate knowledge of his wife's feelings and emotions. Once he has internalized them, he can consult them whenever he acts, decides, or plans something. He is no longer a single self or individual. He can see that in this new state of unity he is a half-person as an independent self, and is completed reciprocally by his wife as a conjoint self.

You've no doubt heard the common expression "She is my better half" -- meaning, my wife. Together, the husband and wife, make one complete human being, that is, a human being with full potential. When a couple reaches this spiritual level of union, they are in their heavenly conjugial bliss in never ending eternity. This can start while they are in this life, and continue later, in the afterlife.

The wife cannot impose the unity model on her husband by trying to dominate him, intimidate or persuade him.

The husband can refuse to go along with her whenever he pleases. There are few husbands who are willing to voluntarily subordinate their own outward masculine intelligence to the wife's inner feminine intelligence. To agree to this, a man must be willing to compel himself to undergo much mental pain and self-denial. But those husbands who are willing to undergo the challenge, can form a true and perfect reciprocal union with their wife. This is a spiritual state of the highest human potential that lasts forever into the afterlife called "heaven."

For more information on this topic, you can consult the 459 Lecture Notes, on the Web at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic/mental-anatomy.htm

When you look up and down each column of the basic ennead chart above you are locating or contrasting the same component of the threefold self across the three phases. For instance, the sensorimotor zone of each phase (1, 4, 7) involves the sensorimotor interactions between the two partners. In the initial phases of practicing within a phase, the man's affective and cognitive self are subordinated to the sensorimotor self as a couple. They get along with the new phase, but only so long as they retain focus on the sensorimotor intimacy, avoiding attempts to establish cognitive and affective intimacy within that phase.

For instance, they do things together that involve their physical enjoyment and fun -- eating, touching, holding, dancing, driving, playing games, watching movies, listening to music, talking, etc., and sometimes, dealing with children and their immediate physical needs. However, these sensorimotor interactions vary for each phase (1,4,7).

In the male dominance phase, sensorimotor interactions (zone 1) are coercive as described above. In the equity phase, sensorimotor interactions (zone 4) reflect the level of intimacy of their cognitive negotiation process. If the wife feels that her husband is sincere and fair in his negotiating, she acts very responsive and engaged with him at the sensorimotor level of intimacy. In the unity model, sensorimotor interactions (zone 7) reflect the level of intimacy of their affective conjunction process. The wife feels drawn more and more into the love and friendship of their unification, feeling full confidence and satisfaction with him at the sensorimotor level.

In the dominance phase, the relationship is governed cognitively (zone 2) by tradition and affectively (zone 3) by reward and punishment. The two partners are only externally conjoined by sensorimotor intimacy (zone 1). Their life together as a unique couple centers on what choices they make together at the sensorimotor level. At this stage, even if they are physically together, they are only partially together at the cognitive and affective levels of conjoining.

They are partially separated or "disjoined" in their thinking and in their feeling, each one having their thoughts and their feelings, without being able to share them. The reason they cannot share them is that they do not agree. Externally (S) they are in coordinated synergy as a couple. Internally (C, A) they are independent and possibly conflictual. They avoid analyzing their relationship in order to avoid this inner conflict from coming out into the open and interfere with their life together.

Some couples say that they "agree to disagree" about this or that topic. This keeps the outward peace and synergy from collapsing. They each give up being cognitively intimate with each other. An unresolved disagreement prevents cognitive intimacy. If a disagreement comes out, the partners want to work on resolving it, not fossilizing it forever.

But progress may be slow. Cognitive intimacy with her husband is extremely critical for the wife. His connectivity to her depends on him thinking that she admires his thinking. The man feels bonded to the woman when she loves the way he thinks. Women realize this, and they spontaneously love, admire, and enjoy the thinking and masculine intelligence of the man they want to conjoin with.

The practice of agreeing to disagree is therefore injurious to the growth of intimacy between them. Nevertheless, a woman may feel she cannot go further in cognitive intimacy than the man is willing to tolerate at the time. As a result she may rely on the principle of let's agree to disagree as a a temporary strategy to avoid the wrong kind of conflict.

EXERCISE 6.1

Read the Section above (Part A). Then read it again while you type out notes involving the following issues.

1) Learn to write out or draw the basic ennead matrix in marriage. Practice explaining each row and column intersection (or the nine zones of marriage). Why are ennead charts read from bottom up? How can this chart help you make objective observations about the interactions of couples? Each zone of marriage has its own "mental scripts" so that if you can identify the mental scripts of the partners, you can then identify the zones they are spending with each other. Define the mental scripts associated with each of the nine zones. Discuss these zones with your partner, friends, and class discussion teams. What is your overall evaluation of what others think about it?

2) Define conjunctive and disjunctive exchanges between partners. Give illustrations from the notes, but also from your own observation of couples -- in real life or in the media. Explain the difference between men and women in relation to the process of conjoining their threefold self. Do your friends see something wrong with putting the emphasis on the man in terms of the need for him to change himself for the sake of the conjunction process?

3) Define the conjoint self. Describe the progressive growth of the conjoint self using the basic ennead chart of marriage. Is this model relevant to what you know about couples? Explain. What is the reaction of your partner and friends when you tell them about the conjoint self? What are you finding out by trying to explain it to them and how they react?

The equity phase (zones 4, 5, 6) is associated with the "modern" or progressive outlook that young people in many traditional cultures adopt as a new philosophy of relationship between men and women, thereby taking a step away from the traditional male dominance phase of their elders. In the equity phase of marriage, responsibilities and duties of husband and wife are shared through negotiation and agreement between each other.

This leads to the development of cognitive intimacy between a man and a woman (zone 5), since they have to negotiate by logical arguments why one partner should do X and Y and the other partner should do A and B.

Cognitive intimacy or conjunction is gradually achieved through such a process of negotiation, as long as both partners are sincere rather than just manipulative.

Women tend to be very sincere in negotiation, believing that it is a method for finding a way they can both be happy with instead of one feeling exploited by the other or by the circumstances. Men on the other hand have less of a motivation to be sincere in negotiating because they start with the position of societal and traditional advantage over women, and thoughtlessly or spontaneously use this advantage to win a better deal for themselves. Thus, men are not normally focusing on equity and fairness, but on using equity argumentation to maintain the superiority given to them by society and tradition.

The equity phase is essentially a political power sharing agreement. It tends to create similar ideas and beliefs in the two partners, a similar reasoning process as to what is fair or safe. This increase in cognitive intimacy (zone 5) makes the sensorimotor interaction (zone 4) also more intimate and favorable than what it was before.

They get along better in their coordination of tasks and activities (zone 4, S), agree more on goals and purposes (zone 6, A), can talk it out and influence each other's thinking and decisions (zone 5, C). Because of this their sensorimotor interactions (zone 4, S) are more compatible -- they enlarge and diversify their physical activities and enjoyment of each other. But they still argue and disagree on certain things (zone 5). The wife still gets abused from time to time when the husband gives himself permission to explode and revert to becoming abusive (zone 3) or take a stance that hurts her. The husband still resists and resents (zone 6, A) the wife's attempt to influence him, to change his traits and habits that she finds are in the way of a still closer relationship.

There is one more phase that the woman wants and needs -- a focus on their affective conjunction (zone 9).

This would create unity, for which a woman spiritually craves for, as well as instinctively, biologically, consciously, knowingly. Nothing less than the husband's focus on their affective intimacy can completely fulfill her. The wife has a mental picture of the conjoint self inscribed in her spiritual genes. To achieve the conjoint self, the husband must be willing to make their affective intimacy (zone 9) the focus of every interaction he has with her.

She desperately needs to be liberated from the constant fear that at any moment the man she loves can suddenly bite her and hurt her feelings. This is a mental state of affective disjunction. Her love is slowly being suffocated by this state of affective disjunction. Her love as a wife is being killed, and her love as a wife is her very life.

She wants her husband to give in to her feminine intelligence in all their interactions.

The wife insists on being first in her husband's mind not because she is selfish or vain, merely thinking of her comfort or ego. When she desires to be first in her husband's mind she is thinking of the conjoint self and she wants that true and perfect unity that lasts to eternity. She realizes in her spiritual wisdom or feminine intelligence that acquiring a conjoint self is more important for her husband than his normal way of looking at things through masculine intelligence. His way of looking at things cannot create an eternal relationship in heaven, only a temporary empire on earth.

When affective unity is the focus of the interactions (zone 9), the cognitive and sensorimotor interactions greatly improve at the same time (zones 8 and 7). Not only are the two partners conjoined in their sensorimotor (S) and cognitive self (C), but now they at last become conjoined in their affective self--their feelings, motivations, evaluations (A). This level of conjunction is not possible without both partners abandoning their loyalty or preference for interactions that fall in the prior two phases. The focus at this third level must be their affective intimacy, while cognitive and sensorimotor intimacy are then consequences of this inmost affective conjunction.

By inhibiting his interactions from the male dominance phase (zones 1, 2, 3), the husband begins to recognize that he is not "entitled" to being treated in a subservient way by the woman. Afterwards, by abandoning also his interactions from the equity phase (zones 4, 5, 6), the husband no longer sees power sharing and negotiation as a good focus for their developing intimacy. The equity focus leads to hard bargaining and to disagreements, and even the consensual agreements may not be fully suitable to the woman. By abandoning the equity phase of interaction the man now adopts a new philosophy or model for their relationship.

Note in the basic ennead chart that zones 1, 5, 9 are bolded. This is the path that represents the progressive growth of the conjoint self.

First, the couple is focusing on their sensorimotor conjunction (zone 1) in the male dominance phase, while the cognitive and affective interactions (zones 2 and 3) follow the sensorimotor focus. Second, they focus on cognitive conjunction (zone 5) in the equity phase, while the sensorimotor and affective interactions (zones 4 and 6) are consequences of the cognitive focus. Finally, they focus on affective conjunction (zone 9) in the unity model, while the cognitive and sensorimotor interactions (zones 7 and 8) follow from the affective focus.

In the unity model, the husband understands rationally that gender unity in eternity is based on differentiation of traits that are reciprocal. This is not something to be negotiated about (equity phase) or imposed by coercion (male dominance phase), but loved and lived (unity model). The husband begins to see that his affections or loves--what he likes and dislikes, are often incompatible with his wife's affections--what she likes and dislikes.

For example, he would like to keep his male friends even after his wife shows her opposition because she doesn't like the influence they have on him, which is to cause a separation between her and her husband. He resists by denying that they are having a bad influence, or by insisting that marriage doesn't mean that everything that came prior must stop, or by accusing her of being over controlling or jealous. By means of these political tactics of resistance, the man is able to keep separate from the woman and remain disjoined from her at the affective level. Their relationship remains at the equity or traditional dominance level and cannot grow inward towards full intimacy and unity.

Or take another example. She wants him to call her during the day, or when he is on his way home, or somewhere else. She feels more at ease when she knows exactly where he is, when. The man has a choice: He can rebel and dishonor her need or desire (affective disjunction). He can disagree with her and argue that her demand is unreasonable and excessive (equity). Or, he can honor her request and feel happy that he can give her peace by conforming to her expectation of his calling (affective conjunction).

The husband or boyfriend can think rationally about it and figure it out. This is called spiritual enlightenment because he can have this realization only if he thinks of his wife as an eternal partner, not just "until death do us part" or "until we get divorced." He can then decide to give up his affective independence without feeling that he is losing something of his masculinity. He can have the vision or realization that heaven in eternity requires affective conjunction between them, and this does not allow any independence whatsoever. Remember that every time the man decides to disagree with the woman, he is rejecting affective intimacy and conjunction with her.

Now the husband has a new rule for himself in the unity model, with his focus on affective intimacy (zone 9): he will keep himself from ever disagreeing with her about any of her demands, requests, pleadings, urgings, or expectations -- these being all the ways the wife reveals her affections to her husband. Hence these are all the ways she is attempting to be affectively intimate with him -- by making requests, demands, or pleadings. These are the ways she is trying to have an influence on him so he doesn't just act from himself alone but from her as well. This is affective intimacy -- to act from her will and his own, not just from his own.

He is now called an enlightened husband. He can see rationally that by subordinating his own affections to hers, the two of them can form a unity, which will then greatly enhance their cognitive and sensorimotor intimacy that they attained previously. Now they will truly be of "one mind" (cognitive intimacy) and "one heart" (affective intimacy) or "one flesh" or "one spirit" or soul mates to eternity. The husband experiences enormous resistance to this course of action, and it takes years of effort for a man to stop relapsing into the equity or dominance mode of interacting with his wife.

Definition:

Remember that the unity model of marriage actually refers to all three phases together (nine zones of interaction). This is because the other zones are also active for awhile and are therefore necessary intermediate stages.

No couple starts directly at the third level called unity (zones 7, 8, 9). Unity or inner conjunction of the threefold self, is a developmental outcome of prior phases of relationship.

A couple often interacts at different levels at different times and in different areas of their relationship. Theoretically it is possible for a couple to be active in all nine zones. Suppose you decide to monitor two couples you know, categorizing their interactions into the nine zones of the basic ennead chart. You find the following for the three phases: dominance, equity, unity:

The first couple has roughly equal interactions in the three phases (33%, 33%, 33%)
The second couple has a lopsided distribution (10%, 10%, 80%)

The first couple is less advanced than the second couple and the two partners experience conflict or disjunction for two-thirds of their interactions daily. The second couple succeeds in staying in the unity model for most of their daily interactions. Only when the lower levels of interaction (dominance, equity) are mostly abandoned and no longer occur, can true unity be achieved as a lifestyle and permanent state of inmost friendship and full confidence (spiritual marriage).

For the next few weeks practice using the basic ennead chart for your observations of couples around you, or in the media.

Table 6.2
(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR

COGNITIVE

AFFECTIVE

level 3
UNITY
Rational
Mentality
-------

Relationship at the
INTERNAL LEVEL
(spiritual marriages)

zone 7
rational
sensorimotor
acts

-------
e.g., partners' movements are coordinated to each other to form a synergy

zone 8
rational
cognitive
processes

-------
e.g., partners discover and always strive to agree with each other's opinions and justifications

zone 9
rational
affective
states

-------
e.g., the husband always strives to align his feelings or desires to match his wife's feelings

level 2
EQUITY
Competitive Mentality

-------

Relationship at the
INTERMEDIATE
LEVEL

(natural marriages)

zone 4
competitive
sensorimotor
acts

-------
e.g., partners' movements are competitive with each other

zone 5
competitive
cognitive
processes

-------

e.g., partners often disagree with each other's opinions and justifications

zone 6
competitive
affective
states

-------

e.g., partners take turns giving in even if they don't agree

level 1
DOMINANCE
Authoritarian
Mentality

-------

Relationship at the
EXTERNAL LEVEL

(natural marriages)

zone 1
authoritarian
sensorimotor
acts

-------

e.g., the wife's movements are directed by the husband using force, threat, or intimidation

zone 2
authoritarian
cognitive
processes

-------
e.g., the wife knows the husband's prerogatives and strives to submit to them under fear of retaliation

zone 3
authoritarian
affective
states

-------

e.g., the partners' interactions are governed by the expectations of tradition and family

Table 6.2 above helps you to distinguish more clearly the kind of relationship that married partners are in when they model their behavior in accordance with the the three levels of mentality.

The authoritarian mentality of the male dominance phase (level 1) involves the partners at a general level, thus more distant to each other than the equity or unity phases. Husband and wife relate to each other at a general level. It has physical and mental intimacy, but only of the external or outward self -- how one appears to others. Inside, what one actually thinks and feels, may be the opposite. This means no intimacy because intimacy involves the freedom to share thoughts and feelings. When tradition and family govern or dictate the interaction possibilities between husband and wife, their relationship remains at the general level (no mental intimacy).

But with the equity phase (level 2) the married partners can interact at the personal level, independently of tradition and family. They get closer to each other mentally, not just physically. They get to know each other's opinions (C) and preferences (A) and they take turns agreeing with one another (S) as a way of maintaining peace and avoiding warfare (S). Their relationship is at the personal level and can get more and more personal, but it cannot get to be all encompassing for every particular aspect of their personality and social make up (A).

They prefer to remain at a certain distance in their affective intimacy in areas where they both agree to some "legitimate" independence -- e.g., how they think about certain things like politics or religion, what the best and what the next best of something is, what friends and hobbies they are allowed to have separately from each other, their personal habits, their family loyalties, their close childhood friends, etc. These are all the ways that they maintain affective distance from each other as a pair.

All these negotiated agreements and mutual allowances of independence in the equity phase, are banished when the husband moves up to the unity model of interaction. Maybe not completely in actuality -- but in goal. The husband officially commits to the goal of never disagreeing with his wife.

This is the entry point to the unity phase of marriage.

If he later does something disjunctive like getting angry or impatient or rude, she only needs to point out to him that this is contrary to his unity model. If he was sincere, he has no choice but to admit this, and consequently he has to perform various acts to "erase" what he did so they can continue with their unity process. If he refuses to confess this, the unity process is put on hold. If unity is his highest goal for his marriage and for eternity (heavenly ruling love), then he will have no choice but sooner or later to get on with the confession and the repair, so that he may go on to his highest goal.

But if unity in eternity is not his highest goal, the other ruling love will take over, which is hellish, and he will remain a slave to his pride, arrogance, and foolishness. This leads him down the path to the hells in his mind after resuscitation. In the meantime he will not only destroy the relationship but his own ability to be happy and fulfilled. He will go on to hate marriage, and ultimately to hate women and children and all innocence and good.

But if he is sincere in his prior commitment and spiritual insight, he will overcome these types of selfish obstacles, over and over again over the years of mutual development and growing close spiritually, that is in thoughts and feelings.

The rational mentality of the unity model in eternity prompts the partners to be intolerant of any differences between them. They each strive to eliminate any love, affection, desire, or goal that is antagonistic or independent of the other partner's loves and goals -- but only the heavenly traits, and never the hellish traits. They are each committed to eliminate all the hellish traits they still have, for the sake of their togetherness in a heavenly eternity. They help each other identify their hellish traits without thinking they are being criticized. They remain best friends throughout this process, protecting each other's feelings and sentiments.

But they must act reciprocally to one another. The husband cannot practice equity for this to work out. He cannot start identifying his wife's hellish traits the way she identifies his, up front. He needs for her to be straight and direct and explicit, while he on the other hand needs to be a diplomat, or a gallant man, a gentleman. He must not act towards her the way she must act towards him. And in this way, it will work out. But if he practices equity and insists on telling her the way she must tell him, it will not work out because then she cannot be best friends with him. But he can be best friends with her only if she comes out directly saying what she is thinking about what he should do or not do about this or that.

In this way they have a mutual love that expresses itself as the constant striving or motivation by each to make the other one happy through what one can do for the other.

Summary:
In the male dominance phase of interaction the wife is persuaded by authority or coercion to make the husband happy by doing things for him the way he wants and directs. This is a general level of relationship based on a corporeal or biological mentality (layer 9). In the equity phase the two partners take turns doing for the other what is wanted or requested. This is a personal level of relationship based on materialistic appearances (8S) that each partner gives to the other about oneself (layer 8). In the unity phase of rational mentality (layer 7) the husband is enlightened spiritually to realize that perfect marriage unity depends on exchanging his independent loves and goals (A) for conjoint loves and goals.

He thus acquires a conjoint self that is dependent, compatible, and integrated with his wife. In this way out of two separate individuals, they become one conjoint individual. This is the highest state of life humans can reach in which they are stable, happy, wise, useful, and productive beyond anything possible otherwise.

Quoting from Swedenborg's Writings:

AC 10168. Love truly conjugial is the union of two minds [ = unity model ] , which is a spiritual union [ = spiritual marriages ]; and all spiritual union descends from heaven [ = highest layer of the spiritual mind ].

From this it is that love truly conjugial is from heaven [ = heavenly traits ], and that its first being is from the marriage of good and truth there [ = affective and cognitive organs acting together ]. The marriage of good and truth in heaven is from the Lord [ = God ]; wherefore in the Word [ = New Testament Sacred Scriptures ] the Lord is called the "Bridegroom" and "Husband," while heaven and the church are called the "bride" and "wife;" and therefore heaven is compared to a marriage. (AC 10168)

AC 10169. From all this it is evident that love truly conjugial is the union of two persons in respect to their interiors, which belong to the thought [ = C ]and the will [ = A ], thus to truth and good; for truth belongs to the thought, and good to the will. For one who is in love truly conjugial loves what the other thinks (C) and what the other wills (A); thus he also loves to think as the other does (C), and he loves to will as the other does (A); consequently to be united to the other, and to become as one man (S). (...) (AC 10169)

AC 10170. The delight of love truly conjugial [ = spiritual marriages ] is an internal delight, because it belongs to the minds (C, A), and is also an external delight from this, which belongs to the bodies (S). But the delight of love not truly conjugial [ = natural marriages ] is only an external delight without an internal one, and such a delight belongs to the bodies (S) and not to the minds (C, A). But this delight is earthly, being almost like that of animals, and therefore in time perishes; whereas the first-mentioned delight is heavenly, as that of men should be, and therefore is permanent. (AC 10170)

AC 10173. That which is done from love truly conjugial is done from freedom on both sides, because all freedom is from love, and both have freedom when one loves (A) that which the other thinks (C) and that which the other wills (A). From this it is that the wish to command [ = male dominance phase of interacting or authoritarian mentality, level 1 ] in marriages destroys genuine love, for it takes away its freedom, thus also its delight.

The delight of commanding, which follows in its place, brings forth disagreements, and sets the minds at enmity [ = disjunctive interactions ], and causes evils to take root according to the nature of the domination on the one side, and the nature of the servitude on the other. (AC 10173)

Note this passage above:

For one who is in love truly conjugial loves what the other thinks (C) and what the other wills (A); thus he also loves to think as the other does (C), and he loves to will as the other does (A); consequently to be united to the other, and to become as one man (S). (AC 10169)

This says that unity is achieved when the man loves how his wife thinks and loves to act from the wife's will more than he loves to act from his own. When he has this love he can no longer disagree, or stay angry or negative towards her. If a man allows himself to overtly disagree with the woman, he is giving her the message that he does not love how she thinks and what she does. This prevents her from feeling that he is her best friend, hence there is no affective intimacy and freedom in the partnership. His disagreement kills unity. But if the woman opposes something he is doing or saying, she is not killing friendship but solidifying it -- as long as he does not resist her or even punish her by retaliation, as in the equity phase.

Note also this passage above:

The delight of love truly conjugial [ = spiritual marriages ] is an internal delight, because it belongs to the minds (C, A), and is also an external delight from this, which belongs to the bodies (S). But the delight of love not truly conjugial [ = natural marriages ] is only an external delight without an internal one, and such a delight belongs to the bodies (S) and not to the minds (C, A). But this delight is earthly, being almost like that of animals, and therefore in time perishes; whereas the first-mentioned delight is heavenly, as that of men should be, and therefore is permanent. (AC 10170)

Spiritual marriage unites the threefold self of the partners to each other. Affective conjunction (A) occurs after cognitive conjunction (C), which occurs after sensorimotor conjunction (S). Once affective conjunction is achieved, the spiritual marriage is functioning. Whatever the partners do at the sensorimotor (S) level (e.g., talking, eating, having sex) is within the context of cognitive intimacy (C) (e.g., they express their thoughts in confidence knowing they are best friends and supportive). And at the same time they have affective intimacy (A) knowing they do not disapprove of one another but like each other.

Note also this passage above:

AC 10173. That which is done from love truly conjugial is done from freedom on both sides, because all freedom is from love, and both have freedom when one loves (A) that which the other thinks (C) and that which the other wills (A). From this it is that the wish to command [ = male dominance phase of interacting or authoritarian mentality, level 1 ] in marriages destroys genuine love, for it takes away its freedom, thus also its delight.

The wish to command in the male dominance phase (level 1) and the wish to disagree or criticize in the equity phase (level 2) destroys freedom and spiritual love (A) between them. The unity phase starts when he loves (A) what she thinks (C) and what she wills (A) and does (S). Again, disagreement or intimidation are impossible when he loves (A) her thinking (C) and her willing (A) and consequently doing (S). The threefold self united makes the conjoint self of heavenly eternity.

From: http://www.jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20080601/out/out5.html

Creating an intimate marriage
published: Sunday | June 1, 2008

Heather Little-White, Ph.D., Contributor

June is traditionally the month for marriages and family, friends and well-wishers of the couple wish for their eternal bliss. The couple's desire is to fulfil their build and sustain an intimate marriage. To avoid a dull and boring marriage which may eventually lead to failure, there are several key elements to creating an intimate marriage.

Compatibility

The first concern of soon-to-be married couple is that of compatibility, even after a period of extended courting. It is a matter that must be addressed before taking the vow to determine compatibility in perspectives, values and life's goals. Premarital counselling should stress compatibility issues and, contrary to popular belief, compatibility has little to do with great sex.

Sex may be great but you may find it difficult to agree with your partner and you may eventually feel that you married the wrong person. It takes a lot of work to get the different pieces of your lives to fit together. Until you really learn how to do that, you will experience some disagreements and problems. The period before your marriage should be about learning how to get your needs met, not necessarily pushing away your partner because the pieces of your lives are different.

Commitment

Safety is an important factor in self-actualisation and a sense of fulfilment with your partner. Commitment is a very important factor for bonding in the union. The Bible exhorts that in marriage a man and woman are called to leave their families of origin, to weave their separate lives into a unity and to cleave to each other.

This means that once you have made the commitment to the union, you should stay its course despite the challenges that may arise. It means you do not walk away, literally or emotionally, from an argument or discussion. It also means being present emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.

As part of the commitment, you should take responsibility, with your partner, for the organisation of finances, household matters, family planning and child-rearing options, and whatever else is needed to stay happy. When you enter marriage, you would have made a contract with your mate and your marriage will not work unless you are responsible for keeping all agreements.

Communication

Communication is another important factor in building the intimate marriage. An essential component of communication is listening, which is a difficult task for some people. Listening means being aware of the spoken and unspoken, the body language and the energy of your partner. Listening means being non-judgmental or defensive, even in the closest of relationships. Listening is a skill that can be learned to improve communication between couples.

Sharing feelings and emotions are a part of the communication process that leads to intimacy. It means being open and honest, sharing feelings and keeping no secrets and telling lies. It means being honest about the information you share about your past life, your plans, and expectations.

Words

In marriage it is important to have full disclosure to present yourself fully in the relationship so that intimacy can follow. The way you use the words can also foster harmony in the union. According to Proverbs 15:4, "gentle words are a tree of life" and words should help you and your spouse develop healthy communication patterns, listening with care and giving life to each other.

Setting expectations means being open to outcomes and options as they arise. Though the outcomes may be disappointing, there should be no resentment towards each other. Equal partnership means sharing all decisions and making plans jointly with the willingness to consider each other's

The above is from: http://www.jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20080601/out/out5.html

7. Threefold Degrees of Conjunction

Table 7.1

(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR ACTS	COGNITIVE PROCESSES	AFFECTIVE STATES
level 3 UNITY Rational Heavenly Mentality	7 rational sensorimotor acts	8 rational cognitive processes	9 rational affective states
level 2 EQUITY Competitive Egalitarian Mentality	4 competitive sensorimotor acts	5 competitive cognitive processes	6 competitive affective states
level 1 MALE DOMINANCE Authoritarian Coercive Mentality	1 authoritarian sensorimotor acts	2 authoritarian cognitive processes	3 authoritarian affective states

Table 7.1 above identifies the psychological characteristics or "mentality" that creates a preference for one of the three phases.

The male dominance phase is called level 1 because it tends to be first in the couple's development. "Authoritarian" mentality refers to the style of personality that focuses almost exclusively on coerciveness. It is a materialistic outlook, but even more so than the "competitive" mentality of the equity phase (level 2). The authoritarian mentality reflects the level of operation of the threefold self -- our feeling states, our thinking style, and our overt acts and sensations (zones 3, 2, 1). If you inspect this ennead chart you will see how each zone is defined by the intersection of the horizontal and vertical marginal entries. The three marginal entries (columns by rows) intersect at 9 cells or "zones" of interaction between the threefold self and the three levels of marriage mentality.

A few illustrations may help you see how you can construct your own examples for each zone. See if you can add more examples in each zone.

Zone 1 authoritarian sensorimotor acts

gesturing instead of talking to her, as a way to control her actions
grabbing the arm and pulling or pushing
maintaining a stone face without expression as a way of putting pressure on her
maintaining silence when she expects him to say something
interrupting when she speaks and he disagrees with her
yelling or using angry menacing tone and face
criticizing her and saying disrespectful hurtful things to her
not calling her when she expects him to
lying or deceiving her in some way, by commission or omission
etc.

Zone 2 authoritarian cognitive processes

not tolerating her to think differently from him on anything
planning to deceive her or keep her in the dark about something she wants to know
ridiculing her ideas or criticizing her intelligence
rewarding her when she submits or agrees, punishing her when she does not
feeding her the wrong information so he could control her
not explaining things to her in a way that she could understand
using religion or dogma to force her into submission and assert his status and power
etc.

Zone 3 authoritarian affective states

giving her the feeling of fear, so he could control her
threatening her or blackmailing her or putting unfair pressure on her to go along with something
loving her sometimes, hating her or punishing her at other times, putting her in a scary double bind
not caring to support her or make her feel better when she doesn't submit to him
not allowing her to have an influence on him whenever he chooses to remain independent
keeping her isolated so she would have no support from others against him
imposing his wishes alone on how to raise the children
etc.

EXERCISE 7.1:

1) Fill in the other zones with illustrations. Discuss them with your partner and friends. Are they able to give you more examples from their experience? What is your conclusion from these examples? How does this exercise help you better understand couples and their behavior with each other?

Zone 4 competitive sensorimotor acts

Zone 5 competitive cognitive processes

Zone 6 competitive affective states

Zone 7 rational sensorimotor acts

Zone 8 rational cognitive processes

Zone 9 rational affective states

Now let's apply the previous table to an actual behavioral area in marriage: sexual behavior. In Table 7.2 below, let's enter a characterization of each of the nine zones of sexual interaction.

Table 7.2
(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFOLD SELF
PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR ACTS	COGNITIVE PROCESSES	AFFECTIVE STATES
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of their mental unity	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about the spiritual or eternal details of their conjunction	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to achieve mental closeness
level 2 EQUITY Competitive Mentality	4 COMPETITIVE SENSORIMOTOR ACTS sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of their performance or achievement	5 COMPETITIVE COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about evaluation (How am I doing? Is it the best ever? Is this fair? Different? Etc.	6 COMPETITIVE AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to compete with or gain more from the partner
level 1 DOMINANCE Authoritarian Mentality	1 AUTHORITARIAN SENSORIMOTOR ACTS sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of maintaining control over the partner	2 AUTHORITARIAN COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about how to keep pressuring the partner to cooperate or be non-resistant	3 AUTHORITARIAN AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to overcome and compel the partner to be submissive

EXERCISE 7.2

Replace the characterizations in each zone of Table 7.2 above with your own examples of sexual behavior in a couple you know (real or TV or movie). Then do two more CHARTS, one on "money" and the other on "lifestyle." Discuss your results with friends to see if they can agree on your characterizations. What is you conclusion?

8. Male Dominance Phase of Marriage

The book Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger has been on the national best seller list, along with several other books by the popular radio talk show host whose voice of morality in relationships has been influential with millions of listeners and readers. The book jacket says that she is the author of "Six New York Times Bestsellers". We have been using her book in this course as a rich source for studying the mentality and characteristics of the male dominance phase in marriage. Her radio show is broadcast on many stations daily, including Oahu -- KHBZ 990 AM radio . (See listings at: www.hawaiiradiotv.com/OahuRadio.html ).Try to listen to her program or have someone record it for you. See also her official Web site at www.drlaura.com/main/

Note:
This semester we are reviewing her new book Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage but it's also useful to review her earlier book as well in the discussion that follows.

It may surprise you that "Dr. Laura" as a popular woman therapist and counselor, supports and promotes the male dominance phase of marriage. I was also surprised, and many times shocked, at her traditionalist oriented philosophy that gives women subordinate status to men. Dr. Laura sees stability in marriage when the wife and mother subordinates what she wants to what he wants and needs as a "simple creature." This means catering to him and his requests and expectations in all areas of their interaction -- children, work, friends, sex, family, money.

Chapter 6 is entitled "What's Sex?" and opens with three letters by husbands who have written to "Dr. Laura."

I think women use their bodies as tools for controlling men. Once married, they go on to other tools. It seems to me we have this backwards. Girls ought to be more modest, and wives ought to be less so--around their husbands. Instead single women show thighs and breasts, and wives dress like Eskimos. I saw a lot more skin in my dating life that I do as a married man--and I was a virgin when I married!"
Bob

My wonderful wife has put it best: "Sex is to a husband what conversation is to a wife. When a wife deprives her husband of sex for days, even weeks on end, it is tantamount to his refusing to talk to her for days, even weeks." Think of it that way, wives, and realize what a deleterious impact enforced sexual abstinence has on a good man who is determined to remain faithful."
Herb

We need more sex. Once a day is fine.
Steve

Dr. Laura quotes these three letters at the head of the chapter to make the same point she makes in every chapter, as echoed in the title of the book: which appears in the header line on every page: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Let's analyze the assumptions contained in the statements these three men are making about their wives and which Dr. Laura has chosen to make her point about how wives should listen to their husbands about what they need to be properly taken care of, and in this chapter, it is about sex--what kind of sexual behavior wives owe their husbands if the marriage is going to succeed and not break up.

Assumptions of the male dominance phase contained in the three letters:

(1) women use their bodies as tools for controlling men

(2) married women have less interest in sex than unmarried

(3) wives ought not to be sexually modest with their husbands

(4) unmarried women are "girls" who dress to show their thighs and breasts

(5) wives dress like Eskimos at home, hiding their thighs and breasts

(6) wives should think that when they say no to sex they are hurting a good man who wants to be faithful

(7) when wives say no to sex they are depriving their husbands and are enforcing abstinence

(8) it's mean for a wife to say no to sex--it is like a husband refusing to have a conversation with her

(9) men need more sex and wives should provide it

There are many more assumptions in the male dominance phase, but these are the nine that permeate the logic of the three notes Dr. Laura is quoting. The general theme expressed here is that a the man has the right to expect his wife to have sex with him when he wants it. Dr. Laura chides married women for not taking care of their appearance to please their husbands. A few days ago I listened to one of Dr. Laura's radio broadcasts. A woman called in and shared her distress over her husband's complaints and criticisms of her because she didn't want to comply with his excessive sexual demands. He insists that she has sex with him every day, and sometimes three times a day. Furthermore, he criticizes her for not consenting each time to have her legs up in the air during intercourse. She said it was an uncomfortable position for her, but since she has had her second child, he insists that that's the only way he can enjoy himself. What should she do?

Dr. Laura told her she needs to show more enthusiasm about their sex and take an active role. She should not have sex with him in a passive subdued mode because he gets bored with that and since he brings home the paycheck, goes out into the world to earn a living to support her and the children, he is a good husband and she should treat him well. Dr. Laura suggested that she make a reservation at a motel and surprise him by spending a night of sex with him. Dr. Laura often reports that women write to her to say how grateful they are when their husband's attitude has changed for the better, after the wife started showing her husband appreciation and tried to please him.

Notice that according to this male dominance perspective, the wife is coerced or pressured to have sex with her husband (zone 1 )without feeling mentally intimate with him (zone 2 or 3). In the equity phase there is cognitive intimacy (zone 5) between them to support sexual activity (zone 4). In the unity model there is affective intimacy (zone 9) to support sexual activity (zone 7). So in the male dominance phase of interaction, the wife has to have "coercive" sex without feeling mentally intimate with her husband. In the equity phase, the wife has cognitive intimacy in "negotiated" sex, but less affective intimacy because there is still present an element of competition or expectation. In the unity model, the wife has affective intimacy in sex, which also includes cognitive intimacy. Hence the married partners are best friends to each other as well as passionate lovers.

From the perspective of the male dominance phase one might argue, like Dr. Laura, that a husband who is good, deserves to be treated in the way he wants to because this is his need and the wife who loves her husband, should take care of his need, whether sexual or otherwise. I call this the blackmail argument because it puts the woman into a double bind, the result of which is to destroy the internal bonds of the married partners (spiritual marriage of unity). Much more on this will be said later.

I witnessed a similar attitude practiced by Dr. Phil, a popular TV host of counseling sessions with married couples. Try to catch a few of his programs. A common issue he handles is the husband's complaint that his wife's sex drive is lower than his, and sometimes nonexistent. Dr. Phil confronts the wife -- Why aren't you giving him the sex he wants? or, What have you got against sex? or, You need to realize that sex is a necessary component of a good relationship, and other such statements, by which he faults the wife for not letting her husband molest her sexually. He certainly would not agree that this is "molesting" but consider this:

From a woman's inner feeling, being compelled to have sex with her husband when she feels that he is not being nice to her, or not treating her right, is like prostituting herself or even like marital rape.

She doesn't want her freedom of choice being taken away from her as to how she should feel towards her husband. She knows what she is feeling and it hurts her self-confidence and self-esteem as a woman when others, like marital counselors, try to convince her that she is wrong in her feelings. The male dominance perspective is not knowledgeable about how a woman feels because the focus is on the man as having a higher status than the woman.

What Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura and the other male dominance oriented therapists need to do, as I see it, is to start with the husband, not the wife. In other words, start objectively by going directly to the source of the wife's aversion towards having sex with him. If sex in marriage is to be intimate and loving, rather than exploitative and coercive, it is the husband who needs to find ways to make the wife feel like being sexually intimate with him.

If she is not enthusiastic about having sex with him it's because he actively makes himself unsexy in her eyes.

For instance, every disjunctive act is unsexy. Every frown or intimidating gesture is a threat to mental intimacy and confidence. Every disagreement he expresses injures sexual attraction. Every neglect he performs, like not doing something he agreed to do, hangs like an unpleasant odor in the bedroom. Every time he ignores her or doesn't pay attention to her cools off her passion for him. Every time he takes the children's side against her the desire to have sex with him dies. So now a few hours after criticizing her or calling her names, he wants to have sex with her, and she feels cold or aversive to the idea of physical intimacy (S) in the midst of this cognitive silence (C) and affective cold (A). So she has to say "No, I'm tired." since she cannot say "You disgust me." since saying this would empower him to put her through more misery.

Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura cannot see this from the male dominance perspective. The woman's actual inner spiritual feelings are not part of the equation in their psychology. They only see the legitimacy of the husband's demand for sexual services from his wife. The male dominance perspective makes the woman into an unofficial slave. Dr. Laura, herself a married woman and mother, may be aware of the unity feelings that women have from birth, but she follows the masculine intelligence that says that such feelings of inner freedom are to be left out of the equation of whether or not she should have sex with her husband. This is then the characterization of "natural marriages."

But from the perspective of the unity model it is the husband's responsibility entirely, one hundred percent, what his wife feels about their mental intimacy together. This is what sets the stage and the motive for his wife to have sex with him. Since she is not a slave she has the right to decide when and if she has sex with him. Because they are married, or living together, does not mean that the woman suddenly loses her spiritual freedom to decide about sex.

You can understand this when you remember the principle of differentiation and reciprocity (see above). The husband has 100 percent responsibility for his side, what he has to do, and the wife has her 100 percent of what she needs to do. They each must have 100 percent responsibility for doing their side. So the husband's or boyfriend's side is to achieve cognitive or affective intimacy with his wife or girlfriend before he insists on sexual activity. This is just a matter of human rights freedom. The woman must be protected in this way or else conjugial love for the human race will die out. Sex for a woman is so closely tied to conjugial love that it cannot be separated in her mind and spiritual body. Hence if a woman has sex in the absence of mental intimacy she can injure her conjugial eternity.

If he does his share, she will do hers, and both will love it. If he doesn't do his share, she should not be forced to have sex with him, for this is violating her human rights to basic freedom.

From the dominance phase one wants to argue that having sex is a fifty-fifty responsibility. One of the first things Dr. Phil says is "You need to negotiate," by which he means in this case, that the wife should give up her busy schedule ("There is no time for sex in our busy schedules"), and make time for being sexually intimate with her husband. Then, Dr. Phil usually turns to the husband, as an afterthought it seems to me, to tell him that he must help too. Dr. Phil turns to the wife and says, "You must learn to say No to activities. Maybe you can work less hours. Maybe you don't need to do as much as you are doing. But you must find time for sex." (These are made up quotes that I think express their answers accurately.)

This kind of male dominance advice plays into what I call sanctioning sexual blackmail.

I call it this because I have learned that this is the woman's perspective on the issue. She feels herself compelled to have sex with her husband while she is aversive to it because he is not being nice to her or treating her right. The husband normally allows himself to remain unaware that he has created this disjunctive feeling with his wife by the way he treats her.

If I were giving the advice, I would try to bring out these two steps:

(1) Teach the husband that things can be fixed if he accepts the idea that he is the cause of his wife's aversion to having sex with him.

This is the case even if she says that she doesn't feel like having sex because she is tired, or has too much work to get through, or there is no time or privacy, or some other justification. The justification given by the wife may also be true, but the unspoken part is that she hates being sexually intimate with him while he is treating her bad, and she doesn't want to do it for sexual blackmail, which would make her feel like a slut slave and a worthless person unfit to be a mother or full fledged citizen. By saying No to him, she is protecting her dignity, freedom, and sanity.

This is why it is so stressful on women to be told by a marriage therapist that they should just go along and agree to more sex, or else the marriage will fail.

This advice is deeply threatening and disturbing to as woman, hence all the more cruel as it is motivated by the self-serving male dominance perspective. The woman has to face all this cruelty and abuse from the male dominance phase and has to find courage to oppose all of tradition and all of society, that support the husband's side. These male dominant voices and are all telling her, "You must give him more sex. This is your duty. If you refuse, the marriage won't last and you will be left alone, condemned by everybody." This has the same psychological threat value as blackmail, hence I cal it sexual blackmail in marriage (see below).

The same situation is the case with boyfriends who blackmail girlfriends to engage in sex when the woman does not want to. They try to make the girlfriend feel confused, to doubt themselves, and trying to pressure them with implied threats of leaving them or getting into a bad mood and spoiling everything planned. These are blackmail strategies and they hurt the woman's capacity for unity, if she gives in. And if she does not give in, she is punished for it. Such is the cruelty and foolishness of the male dominance perspective on sex.

Once the husband accepts and understands this sexual blackmail feature of his demands, he can begin solving his situation.

(2) Teach the husband how to obtain facts from his wife regarding all the ways he turns her off and makes her feel sexually not attracted towards him.

One of the sharpest and most cruel of stabs a husband delivers to his wife is when he shows her by his behavior that he discounts her observations in comparison to his own. This is one of the most destructive habits to marriage in both the male dominance and unity phases. The woman's opinion or explanation appears to be driven away, banished from the subjective world of male intelligence.

A man generally wants to discount a woman's opinion or perspective whenever it doesn't agree with the male intelligence perspective.

This gender attack is so pernicious to the woman's conjugial or spiritual well being that she exhausts herself emotionally trying to make him listen.

Inside of himself, the man laughs at her desperate attempts, confident in himself, knowing that she can't win, that he'll never give in on this or that point they are arguing about. Arrogantly he thinks that she should just give in and lay her own feminine ideas to the side for the sake of his, and for the sake of their peace in marriage.

Quoting my wife: "To the unenlightened man, a woman's voice is a babbling brook."

In Gender Discourse and other books, Tannen documents this principle in the context of meetings of managers working on a collective project. During the discussion, a woman may present an idea or solution, and discussion continues with no one commenting. A few minutes later, a man presents the same suggestion, and this time several other men praise the the suggestion and go with it. Girlfriends, mothers, sisters, and wives are familiar with the experience of having to repeat something several times before it will enter the male consciousness.

EXERCISE 8.1

Watch this brief video of an interview with Dr. Laura about the book we are studying this semester: The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKvjkwYfPKA&eurl

1) Discuss your impressions of this interview. On the one hand she expresses a bias towards married women, echoing once again her male dominance perspective on women, but on the other hand she also expresses views of a good marriage that seem congruent with the unity model.

2) Discuss Dr. Laura's approach in the book Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (our current text) in relation to the dynamics of sex between married partners. Find out how your friends stand on this issue. Is there a difference in outlook between the men and the women you talk to? What is your conclusion.

9. Sexual Blackmail

From the perspective of the male dominance phase it is not possible to understand the concept of sexual blackmail in the sense used here. For instance, in the book and on her daily radio program, Dr. Laura often repeats to women callers that they should appreciate it and feel lucky when they have a "good man" for a husband. What is a good man? Dr. Laura specifies that it is a man who is responsible enough to have a decent job, to support his family, and to want to spend time with his wife -- going to Church, having sex, going for trips, talking to his wife, even helping out, although this last behavior is not a requirement for being a good husband. So when a good husband comes home he expects and "deserves" his wife to cater to him, to his needs, to express appreciation for his courage in going out there into the world to earn a living for his family instead of running off with another woman.

But what about the wife? Why doesn't Dr. Laura mention the wife's hard work staying home taking care of everything -- house, meals, bills, pets, errands, after school lessons for the children, remembering birthdays for everyone, taking care of emergencies, going through pregnancy, being tolerant of all the unpleasant or gross manners of her husband, etc. Why is Dr. Laura ignoring this contribution of the wife when it comes to telling her to have sex because he deserves it for his hard work?

I imagine that if Dr. Laura read these Lecture Notes she would protest that of course she does acknowledge the work of women -- after all she has been a mother and a wife for many years, and she has been talking to women for many years.

But this doesn't take care of the problem I'm raising. In order to see the problem Dr. Laura will have to look at the male dominance phase from the perspective of the equity phase, something she may be familiar with, but doesn't think much of, and not enough to make it part of her advice or talk. And yet she would have to give it the positive bias, which means to acknowledge the idea that the equity phase may actually be superior to the male dominance phase. With this acknowledgement, the argument can be examined and evaluated.

The equity phase requires that every concept applied to the husband must simultaneously be applied to the wife -- not later or in the next part of the discussion or in some past discussion. For instance, if Dr. Laura advises the wife that she be appreciative, she must at the same time advise the husband to be appreciative. This she does not do. In her mind and in her understanding these two things are separate. And this is the way one thinks from the male dominance perspective. A therapist who is in the male dominance phase of thinking will automatically think in parallel terms regarding the equitable sharing between husband and wife.

So it's biased towards men to consider the issue of "man deserves sex for his hard work" and not tie this to "woman deserves being treated better for her hard work."

Instead, the therapist can advise that the husband find ways of making his wife feel like being sexually intimate with him.

The husband should be warned not to put pressure on his wife to have sex, but instead, should find ways of being mentally intimate. He should be counseled that mental intimacy is the condition for having sex. The man needs to understand that if the woman gives in to his sexual pressure, without giving her the mental intimacy, then she spiritually injures her precious womanhood and their conjugial unity for eternity.

Dr. Laura is against being unfair to women in marriage, but she draws the line of fairness on the male side, not in the middle, or on the side of the woman. Why do so many men and women think this way about marriage? Because it is traditional and part of one's culture and upbringing. Most people start the marriage relationship with a male dominance perspective.

Now what happens if we switch over to the equity phase perspective? What would Dr. Laura have to say to give advice from the perspective of the equity phase? If she is talking to a man who is complaining that his wife doesn't greet him at the door with a warm smile and all pretty and nice smelling, Dr. Laura usually first finds out if he is a good husband. By this she means whether he brings home the family paycheck and has no extra-marital affairs. Then she agrees with him that his wife needs to learn how to show her appreciation for his being a good husband, something he deserves to receive from her if she respects him. That's it. She doesn't ask the man if and how he shows his appreciation of her being a good wife.

That's because Dr. Laura doesn't define a "good wife" in the same way as she defines a good husband. A woman does not receive the epithet of "good wife" for all she does by taking care of the kids, the house, the bank, the car, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the family dinners, and the driving to the ballet and soccer classes. This is something the wife should be doing anyway -- according to the traditional dominance mentality as expressed by Dr. Laura. In order to be called a "good wife" she also needs to show her appreciation for her husband being good -- doll herself up before he gets home, keep the children quiet, have dinner ready, and later, give him sex in the way he wants it.

Why the double standards?

This appears to be a necessary part of the male dominance phase. I have observed this with other "media therapists" that I get to see on TV. Almost all of them are men and they operate from a perspective of male dominance. One of the most popular shows in this genre is "Dr. Phil" McGraw, and I've watched him many times deal with problems couples bring up. He talks to him, then to her. He lets him off easy, hardly ever challenging any of his statements, and smiling and being friendly with him. Then he focuses in on the wife. Now he is not smiling, but acting confrontational and intimidating. He grills her and constantly argues to get her to accept the blame for the marriage problems. Dr. Phil acts like he wants the wife to feel that she is the one who is at fault, she is the one who has to change and give up this or that expectation she has of her husband.

Another popular author and national seminar leader on marriage counseling is Dr. John Gray, known for his best seller book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (Harper Collins, 1992) and several other such books widely used in his "relationship seminars." I saw him several years ago appearing on the highly popular "Oprah" Winfrey television show. He was telling the audience that wives should give their husbands sex every day, or as often the men want it. Oprah looked nonplussed: "You mean they should have sex even if they don't want to?" John Gray nodding vigorously said, "Yes. You know, men get all jammed inside if they don't have it." and he was pointing to his abdomen with rapid circular movements of his hand, no doubt to indicate the "jamming up" part. Although Oprah normally has popular therapists on her show for several shows, she never had John Gray again after that episode.

It's astonishing to me that Dr. John Gray, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Laura can apparently have so many women among their supporters and regular audience. I explain this by the overwhelming pressure these women must feel from their husbands, boy friends, media experts, and social norms, all of which operate to support the male dominance phase of interaction between men and women. Mothers raise their daughters to cater to their father and brothers, and when they begin to date there is enormous pressure on them to "please" the boy they are going with, which means to engage in sexual behavior with him. During this interaction, the woman will have to constantly fight off the advancing pressure. The man, ardent on satisfying himself, steps over the line that the woman has set down. The pressure becomes physical intimidation, threat, force, date rape, or, as we are discussing here, sexual blackmail. According to this cruel social rule, the wife must give her husband sex, and she has no legitimate right to rely on her own feelings whether to have sex or when.

Watch this video: http://video.ivillage.com/player/?id=179060#videoid=186087

9.1 Definition of sexual blackmail

Sexual blackmail is a hurtful strategy practiced by husbands or boyfriends threatening to punish the wife or girlfriend if she doesn't act like she wants to have sex with him whenever he wants to.

Notice the components of this definition. "Hurtful strategy" refers to the suffering of the woman which is deliberately caused by the man as he does not care that she is mentally suffering. "Practiced by husbands and boyfriends" refers to the frequency and regularity with which this is done by the man. "Threatening to punish" refers to the man turning emotionally cold towards her which she feels as a threat and betrayal of their love and mental intimacy. It also includes performing negative behaviors that are disturbing to her, such as clamming up, putting on an annoyed voice, canceling plans they had together, not cooperating in tasks, or walking out and staying away. These are strategies the man uses to make the woman feel guilty and scared so that she would start acting like she wants to have sex with him. To "act like she wants to have sex" refers to not merely submitting in bed but to show enthusiasm about it, as if she desires him and wants him to have sex with her.

The male dominance phase has from time immemorial promoted the sexual slavery of women. For example, in the Old Testament days and culture men could have several wives, and they were allowed to overtly discriminate among them and their children. Men were allowed to divorce their wives merely by openly declaring their wish. They could then banish them from the household and all other help or protection. The men could do this, and still receive the respect of the community. This mentality is still governing the lives of the majority of women on this planet. This week the news reported that a married woman in a Muslim country who got raped by two men was thrown in jail and sentenced to forty lashes on the theory that it's her fault that the men raped her because she was alone with them, and this is a taboo.

To be objective and accurate we must make a distinction between two types of abuse of women stemming from the male dominance phase: physical and mental. Where there is physical abuse, there is also mental abuse. But there may be mental abuse without physical abuse. This is by far the most common form of abuse among men in our society. Men with a domestic violence history are not respected in our society. They are disapproved of and sometimes sent to jail. On the other hand, the majority of well respected and up standing citizens of most communities in this country will tolerate and practice mental abuse against women. This includes name calling, sexual blackmail, social restrictions, economic exploitation, second class citizenship, male infidelity, being criticized, forced to do menial jobs for men, etc.

Here is a video in which John Gray is discussing what makes men happy vs. what makes women happy :

http://www.youtube.com/v/KjevBQ-clfw&rel=1

Here John Gray discusses how men communicate:

http://www.youtube.com/v/KjevBQ-clfw&rel=1

Mental abuse of wives by husbands, and of girlfriends by boyfriends, includes these common forms of cruel and

denigrating behaviors:

verbally criticizing and name calling
talking with a threatening voice or implication
maintaining silence and refusing to talk
walking out in anger
pressuring her for physical intimacy without adequately preparing her for mental receptivity
making her feel neglected and not appreciated
showing disapproval or making her feel guilty about herself
deliberately trying to confuse her so he can get his way with her
breaking promises
interrupting to prevent her from talking
using her sexually then discarding her
keeping her from expressing her true self
keeping her from reaching her cherished goals
showing disinterest in her
exploiting her by making her work hard to do things for him
damaging her reputation by gossiping about her
and etc. (how many more can you add?)

Note especially item (5): pressuring her for physical intimacy without adequately preparing her for mental receptivity. This is the type of mental abuse we've been discussing above regarding the advice offered by Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, and John Gray, among others. Why is the wife not reciprocating her husband's sexual advances? The male dominance phase puts the blame on the wife. The equity phase puts the blame on both the husband and the wife. The unity model puts the blame on the husband for not adequately preparing the wife to be mentally receptive to him.

From the perspective of the unity model it is the husband who stands in the way of mental intimacy with the wife. The wife desires mental intimacy with her husband but the husband finds that kind of intimacy aversive. He desires the sexual exploitation, which is self-centered, not couple centered, or wife-centered.

The unity model has a wife-centric focus.

It assumes that the wife wants mental conjunction and intimacy, while the husband is fighting it, trying to retain his mental independence. For a woman, sexual intimacy is a spontaneous and delightful consequence of mental intimacy with the man she loves and to whom she wants to conjoin herself. So if the wife refuses sexual intimacy with her husband, it's because he doesn't want to be mentally intimate with her.

This is the cause of her apparent coldness to his hot advances. He is self-centered, or genital-centered. He wants sexual relief. Like Dr. John Gray said, "a man gets all jammed up in there if he doesn't get enough sex from his wife." That's what the man is looking for, to get 'unjammed'. An approach to counseling that is guided by the male dominance phase, cooperates with the husband's perspective and advocates a methodology that I have called sexual blackmail.

The male dominance phase therapists advocate that the wife should have sex with her husband even when he is unwilling to be mentally intimate with her.

The unity model sees this as sexual blackmail because it is not healthy for a woman to have sex with a man who is unwilling to be mentally intimate with her.

Watch this video: http://video.ivillage.com/player/?id=179060#videoid=183720

By unhealthy, I mean that her self-respect and human dignity is injured, in the same way that slaves were hurt psychologically by being denied their human rights. Also, like women who are forced into prostitution by a boyfriend to whom they must hand over the money, and who beats them if they refuse him.

Making a wife have sex with her husband even though she doesn't want to, is cruel to the wife and harmful to the marriage relationship. The male dominance phase therapists and husbands want to separate the issue of "mental intimacy" and "sexual intimacy." This is a purely masculine perspective. The feminine perspective is that first comes mental intimacy, then physical intimacy.

Sex should be the outcome or consequence of mental intimacy.

In prostitution or casual sex, there is no requirement for mental intimacy to be present, and in fact, all parties prefer that mental intimacy be left out of the sexual transactions. When men get married they bring into the marriage this male dominant perspective. Therapists like John Gray, among many others, support the husband's perspective, despite the fact that it is harmful to the wife and to the marriage. Ultimately it is harmful to the husband since this perspective inhibits real intimacy and the rich life of conjunction. He doesn't get to find out how warm and passionate and sweet his wife actually is when he develops mental intimacy with her.

EXERCISE 9.1

1) Define "sexual blackmail." Explain how the approach of Dr. Laura and some other therapists encourage sexual blackmail in marriage?

2) Here is an example of the use of the phrase "sexual blackmail" from the male dominance perspective. You will note that this perspective turns the issue around and accuses women of sexual blackmail. This accuses women of blackmailing men by not having sex with them unless they do what the woman wants them to do. Discuss the validity of this explanation, namely that women should have sex with them for the sake of sex and not connect it to things they want the man to do.

From: AskMen.com at: http://www.askmen.com/fashion/austin_150/165_fashion_style.html

Reject sexual blackmail

Sex is a woman’s power base and she uses it to control the relationship. Her strategy is, “I want what I want, and if I don’t get it, I’m going to cut off access to the nookie factory.” Unfortunately, men crumble before this awesome power like cheap blue cheese. Essentially, men are scared that if they don’t cave into their woman’s demands, they’ll be sleeping alone. And make no mistake about it: She will try to use sexual blackmail to its full advantage. But if you want your independence back, you can’t let your sex drive control you. You have to stand firm. You have to break her sexual control over you even when those knees snap shut.

Identify the various assertions made in this male dominance view on women. For instance, the first sentence makes two assertions: (1) "Sex is a woman’s power base and" (2) "she uses it to control the relationship." Do you agree with this in some way (e.g., it might be true in some cases). Note the ruling motivation in this man's view on relationship with woman: "if you want your independence back." This is an instance of the resistance to unity that most men feel in the beginning phases of conjunction (S without C or A). Some men don't want to go beyond that beginning, and when the woman starts insisting, they end the relationship. This is their fear, anxiety, and aversion for giving up their cognitive and affective independence.

3) Summarize some of the views of G26 reports that discuss sexual blackmail. How do you react to their descriptions? Can you agree with them? What was your view on this before now?

10. Developing Mental Intimacy With One's Wife

There are two steps for the husband to make in order to develop mental intimacy with his wife.

First, he must stop adding to her mental distress.
Second, he must start easing her mental distress.

These are simple strategies, easy to understand and carry out by husbands. A husband who follows these two rules, loves his wife from mental intimacy. But a husband who refuses to practice these rules daily, does not love his wife from mental intimacy, but only outwardly, physically, and socially. In order to become soul mates in eternal marriage, a husband must follow these two rules of mental intimacy (spiritual marriage).

Here is a list of common behaviors by a husband which keeps him from becoming mentally intimate with his wife.

Examples of the husband's anti-intimacy practices:

blames his wife for something
expresses anger at his wife for something
insults his wife
says things unflattering about her
embarrasses her in front of others
refuses to talk about something she wants
says No to her despite her pleadings
ignores her when she walks into the room
fails to stop her anxieties when he can so by calling
forgets things that she wants him to remember
doesn't try to find out how she wants to be handled physically
lets her feel that he doesn't feel as responsible for housework and other marriage tasks, as he expects her to be
doesn't try to get rid of habits he has that she doesn't like
doesn't come to her rescue when he sees she is in distress (e.g., has too many things to do)
tries to get her to do things for him even when she rather not do them
gets insulted at her for saying something to him he doesn't like
tells her she is a nag for repeatedly reminding him of his broken promises
maintains relationships with men friends from which she feels excluded
lies to her and hides things from her
puts limits around certain issues where she is given no power of influence
makes sarcastic remarks that hurt her self-image
sees her being disturbed about something and does nothing about it
makes her accept his choice in something when she would prefer something else (e.g., ordering food, renting a movie, selecting a TV channel, going somewhere, buying something, etc.)
etc. etc.

Watch this video: http://video.ivillage.com/player/?id=179060#videoid=183720

If I were a marriage counselor I would tell husbands that they need to monitor their interactions with the wife and note how many of these types of disjunctive behaviors they commit in a day. They cannot do this on their own so they need to enlist the cooperation of their wife. She will help him identify the exchanges that make her feel separate from him instead of intimate. Husbands who do this sincerely and persistently will discover how passionate and sweet their wife can be. Never again will they complain that they are all jammed up sexually and prepared to get it by blackmail, intimidation, or guilt.

This morning on my way back from campus I listened to Dr. Laura on her daily radio program. A woman called in and asked for advice on what to do about her husband who has accused her of not caring about him because she is teaching Sunday School while he attends Church with the family. Her child is in the Sunday School class and that's one of the reasons she didn't feel like dropping the activity. Dr. Laura immediately accused her of not being a good wife because she is choosing some task she wants to do over her husband. Dr. Laura admonished the woman that she should appreciate the fact that her husband is willing to go to Church instead of going off to his golf on his own. The woman said she did appreciate that but sometimes he comes along and sometimes he doesn't want to, so she doesn't like the idea of dropping her Sunday School teacher activity, with her daughter in the class. Dr. Laura insisted the wife is being selfish and foolish. "Do you want to break up your marriage? The days he doesn't want to go to Church, that's fine, just stay home with him."

Looking at this from the perspective of the equity and unity models one can see clearly that it is the husband who is being selfish and foolish in this situation. He doesn't respect her religion if he feels he can stay home any time he doesn't feel like going, and then expects her to stay home too. Furthermore, he doesn't respect his wife since he is willing to put an end to her Sunday School teaching when she is so involved in it, and when it is a good thing to do, as indeed it is. He is being selfish for disregarding his wife's request that she continue to teach Sunday School on account of their child being there. Dr. Laura could have advised that the husband should join her in teaching Sunday School. He can sit in and help her manage the kids. He doesn't need to know the subject matter she is teaching. This would show his respect for his wife and family. But Dr. Laura would not be able to support such a solution as long as she is speaking exclusively from the male dominance phase.

This is a common way in which husbands are unwilling to be mentally intimate with their wives. In this case, the husband was unwilling to show respect for her Sunday School involvement. This is mental abuse. Dr. Laura could not see that it is mental abuse. Instead, she saw it as a reasonable demand on the part of the husband, and she put the blame on the wife for not going along with his demand. Now suppose the husband tries to have sex with his wife that week. He is demanding that she be physically intimate with him even though he is refusing to be mentally intimate with her. She is not only not turned on by his touching, but she is turned off, and makes her feel dirty to have to give in to him for fear of his retaliations. If they should call Dr. Laura, or go consult Dr. Phil on his show, the wife would be told that she is being selfish or stupid for not having sex with such a good husband who brings home the paycheck and is interested in her instead of going to another woman.

This is the mentality and level of moral reasoning of the male dominance phase.

Recall this very important fact: We all start out with the male dominance phase!

This is what we inherit culturally and socially, both men and women. Then, as women have more life experience and understanding, they quickly figure it out and try to do the best with the man they end up with. The men are resistant. They want to hold on to the male dominance phase of interaction with women. They love it. And so they accuse the women of nagging them, of not accepting them for who they are, and they pressure the women to back off into silence and obedience. In other words, the men refuse to be mentally intimate even though they demand that the women be physically intimate with them. This puts the women into a hurtful double bind. It is a cruel thing to do to them, but the men do not care about this type of cruelty. They just want the women to keep quiet about it because it is too inconvenient for the men to deal with.

But fortunately, many men come to discover that they like mental intimacy with women. They then have to voluntarily lay aside the culturally inherited tendency to hate and denigrate women. This is a giant battle within themselves, but eventually they can move on to the equity phase. Their wives or girlfriends now experience some relationship relief. At last she has some chance now since he is allowing them to negotiate over many things. She now has some victories that make her life more comfortable, and draws them closer in mental intimacy. This feels to her like a big relief. But there continue to be problems because the man keeps falling back on blackmail methods of negotiating, which is a male dominance pattern within the equity phase.

Eventually the wife will remain unfulfilled unless the husband is willing to begin acting from the unity model. This is the interactional position the wife wants with her husband and lover. She needs for him to always align his thoughts and feelings to agree with hers. Once he is steadily committed to this unity model of behavior, the wife begins to feel that she is winning, that her desire for conjunction is actually happening. Now at last she has a husband who wants to be mentally intimate with her. The sexual happiness of the couple then reaches a new high unknown to them before.

They are now soul-mates, on their way to conjugial love in eternal union in the immortality of their heaven.

Bill of Rights

(A= affective; C=cognitive; S=sensorimotor)

My woman has the following human rights I owe her:

The right to ...

have a bill of rights from her man, such as this one (S)
be placed at the center or top of her man's agenda and daily effort (A)
be given total loyalty, taking precedence over children, career, and hobbies (A)
have the status of best friends and lovers, soul mates in the afterlife of eternity (ACS)
an appropriate way of making up, as defined by her (S)
be shown that I enjoy her humor and respect her intelligence (CS)
be shown that I prefer to spend time with her than with friends or self (CS)
be spared the grossness of men when they are with each other or alone (S)
be talked to by me in a gentle and harmonious manner (CS)
be shown that I enjoy talking to her, learning how to respond to her as a good friend (ACS)
be shown that I like her feminine sides, being interested and helpful in creating her wardrobe, being supportive and helpful in shopping for her clothes and accessories, learning about women's apparel (ACS)
tell me how she wants me to change this or that trait of mine, how she wants me to behave so she can feel comfortable with me and be honored by me (ACS)
never be lied to or be deceived for whatever reason by me (S)
expect me to be willing to give up all independence from her, in all areas (A)
etc.

This type of listing the rights of a wife is drawn up by the husband, adjusting or adapting it to his unique situation. It portrays for him in specific terms what his ideal is as a practitioner of the unity model of eternal marriage. This type of listing reminds him how to manage his effort in creating more intimacy with his wife along the threefold self -- sensorimotor intimacy with her, cognitive intimacy, and at last, affective intimacy.

Intimacy is defined by the wife.

View this video: http://video.ivillage.com/player/?id=179060#videoid=166955

The unity model husband knows that he is not himself to define the level or quality of intimacy that she feels she has with him. He knows he is to love her assessment of how they're doing more than his own assessment. This unity attitude or orientation by the husband allows the wife to take the lead role in the healthy progressive development of their affective intimacy. This makes sense given what needs to happen anatomically in their mind in order to achieve mental conjunction along the threefold self.

A husband who draws up a similar list, and is committed to it to endless eternity, will make constant progress in his ability to stick to the list in an honest and significant way. That man is a spiritually enlightened man, a fortunate man, a celestial man. Swedenborg interviewed celestial men and found them to be gentlemen who are totally devoted to the rights of their wife, and being successful at it, as testified by their wives, to whom Swedenborg also spoke.

This highest achievement of human life must start in the marriage here on earth in order that it may continue in the afterlife of eternity. This is the purpose of the unity model, to give men a guide for how to achieve this.

Watch this video: http://video.ivillage.com/player/?id=179060#videoid=170563

Here is an article in the News reporting on a research study published in the psychology literature. It gives support to the idea that husbands and boyfriends are the source of stress for wives and girlfriends, but for men the source of stress is outside the relationship.

The following article is from:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/01/01/nhappy101.xml

Happy marriage means less stress - for wives

By Nic Fleming, Medical Correspondent Last Updated: 2:28am GMT 01/01/2008

A happy marriage reduces stress levels in women but not in men, psychologists have claimed.

Billie Piper's New Year's Eve wedding Researchers found that women enjoying wedded bliss have lower levels of a stress hormone than those who are dissatisfied in their relationships.

For men, the state of their marriage was much less important to their stress levels than how busy they were at work.

The team behind the study believes that marital harmony has more impact on stress in women because in happier relationships men tend to help out with chores such as housework or child care.

Darby Saxbe, the lead author and a psychologist at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), said: "As far as women are concerned, being happily married appears to bolster physiological recovery from work.

"Women in unhappy marriages are coming home from a busy day and, instead of having some time to unwind and relax and have a spouse picking up the load of setting the table, getting dinner going, signing forms for the kids, these women may have to immediately to launch back into another stressful routine.

"Perhaps in happily married couples the demands of domestic life are being shared more equitably between men and women, or at least that may be the case when wives return home from a demanding day at work."

The hormone cortisol is released by the adrenal glands when an individual is under stress and is widely considered a reliable marker for showing response to stressful situations.

Levels start high in the morning and decline steadily throughout the day.

The slope of this decline is believed to be correlated with feelings of well-being, with steeper drops indicating better health.

Long-term elevated cortisol levels have been linked to depression, chronic fatigue, reduced immune system effectiveness, osteoporosis and even cancer.

In the new study, researchers asked 60 married parents to fill questionnaires on how satisfied they were with their marriage.

Twice during each of the three days of the study they also answered questions while they were at work about how their day was going and how busy they felt.

The UCLA team also collected saliva samples from participants in early morning, late morning, afternoon and evening to measure cortisol concentrations.

Women who expressed the most satisfaction in their marriages were shown to have steeper declines in cortisol levels than those in unhappy relationships.

In men, the state of their relationship with their wife appeared to have little influence on cortisol levels, which were affected far more by how busy they felt at work.

The research is published in the American Psychological Association journal Health Psychology.

The above is from: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/01/01/nhappy101.xml

EXERCISE 10.1:

Analyze the two lists of complaints below from the perspective of the unity model, which gives a specific definition of soul-mates in terms of a husband and wife couple that achieves a conjoint self by leaving behind the dominance and equity phases. Note the difference between the list of Women's Complaints about Men and the list of Men's Complaints about Women. All 11 items given by women are in support of unity and the achievement of the conjoint self. All the 10 items given by men are anti-unity values that criticize women and describe women in insulting anti-feminine ways. See if you can confirm this conclusion in your rational understanding with each of the items listed for women (girlfriends and wives) and for men (boyfriends and husbands).

From eNot Alone at   www.enotalone.com/article/2638.html

Women's Complaints about Men [ I add italicized comments in square brackets ]

1. Men are not understanding enough.

        [this is true of relationship areas]

2. Men are not sensitive to feelings and needs.

        [if they were, they could achieve mental intimacy]

3. Men are not affectionate enough.

        [if they learned to be more so, they could achieve mental intimacy]

4. Men tend to bypass sexual foreplay, and are quick to ejaculate thus losing their sexual interest, before the woman is satisfied.

        [husbands who learn to do this right can achive greater mental intimacy]

5. Men do not communicate enough. Men do not express their feelings and thoughts.

        [this shows women's motivation to unity and affective intimacy]

6. Men do not pay enough attention to their partners.

        [the wife wants the husband's attention and focus to be on her because this is how conjoined partners grow more conjoined]

7. Men do not spend enough time at home with their children.

        [if they would, the family could achieve greater quality relationships and cohesion, also achieving affective harmony and intimacy between the husband the wife]

8. Men do not help with order and cleanliness of the home.

        [this is because they are not striving for affective intimacy and unity. They can do so by taking on responsibility for the wife's happiness and caring for her enjoyments and conveniences]

9. Men do not appreciate the work involved in keeping up the home or in bearing and bringing up children and do not compensate this contribution to family life.

    [this is because men choose to act in a selfish or male dominant way towards women who love them. The husbands can achieve higher human potential and happiness by adopting the wife's focus as caretaker and homemaker -- what she cares about, is going to be what he cares about. This is affective intimacy and unity -- true love, honest love, unconditional love, eternal love, soul-mate love, conjoint love, spiritual love, interior love]

10. Men make decisions about work and life without regarding the woman's or the family's needs.

        [By giving up this type of independence, a husband can stop being selfish, and achieve a higher human potential as a conjoint self with mental intimacy in the threefold self. This is the internal marriage, the spiritual marriage]

11. Men create extramarital relationships.

    [this destroys all cognitive and affective intimacy between a man and a woman, kills all friendship between them]

Men's Complaints about Women [ I add italicized comments in square brackets ]

In the same groups I have found that men have the following complaints about women.

1. Women complain, criticize and nag too much.

    [this is a hurtful insult to all women. The man who thinks this, does not like to conjoin with a woman, and only likes to abuse her and control her for selfish motives. This makes the man to be less than human and civilized, thus unable to experience and achieve higher feelings and life. The marriage will fail altogether, or it may last but make the wife most unhappy and miserable, unfulfilled, hopeless, depressed.]

2. Women try to control and suppress men.

    [this is a hurtful misrepresentation by a man designed to allow the husband or boyfirend to retain affective independence from the wife or girlfriend. This attitude destroys a woman's desire for sexual intimacy with him.]

3. Women are seldom happy.

    [this is a lie designed to hurt women. In fact, all a woman needs to be extatically happy, is for her man to love her by giving up his affective independence for the sake of achieving a conjoint self with her.]

4. Women tend to withhold sex as a punishment or blackmail.

    [this is a political power play by a husband or boyfriend who expects the wife or girlfriend to have sex with him though he has insulted her and has refused to alleviate her cares and worries. In fact, the man's expectation for sex under these conditions, which turns into subtle or physical pressure, is sexual blackmail against the woman.]

5. Women do not think logically, but emotionally.

    [this is thinking done by a man who does not like and respect women. In fact, women are far more logical in every day life than men, far more effective in keepting things running. Men get involved with their ego, act emotionally instead of rationally.]

6. Women's emotions are not predictable but change quickly especially due to hormones, during menstruation, pregnancy or menopause.

    [this is a radical and fundamental attack against women. The man who thinks this does not respect women, therefore cannot love them, but only abuse them and exploit them and control them -- this is what they love, not the women.]

7. Women tend to gossip.

    [this is disrespectful of women. It shows a complete ignorance of women and a total lack of interest in the feminine.]

8. Women, too, create extramarital relationships.

    [if a wife is disloyal to her husband by having an affair, one needs to look at the reason and the situation. Often it is duje to her hopelessness caused by his unwillingness to take care of her properly, by achieving affective intimacy with her. The lack of this, and his rejection, is what leads her to the affair. Oc ourse, if she does this, affective intimacy between them may be destroyed forever.]

9. Women are not home enough (which for some men means - continuously)

    [I'm not sure what this may be referring to.]

10. Women are not taking enough care of the home.

    [a husband needs to take joint responsibility for both the home and the wife in the home. If he does this, the wife would be able to function truly as his conjoint self and soul-mate, making him and each other happy beyond belief.]

The above is from eNot Alone at   www.enotalone.com/article/2638.html

The following is from: http://www.tehrantimes.com/index_View.asp?code=160619

How to keep Your marriage strong

Here are some tips from Dr. John Gottman’s research on successful marriages:

• Express more positives than negatives. In Gottman’s research, he found that those happily married showed a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative statements to each other and about their relationship.

• Accept each other’s influence. In strong partnerships neither spouse is too rigid to consider the requests or input of his or her mate.

• Maintain high standards. Those who regularly accept disrespectful behavior from a partner are likely to see their relationship deteriorate over time.

• Learn how to exit an argument. This can include expressions of humor, compassion or appreciation; a time-out until cooler heads prevail; or even backing off from your position in the disagreement.

• Edit your angry thoughts. Just because it’s normal to feel anger doesn’t mean it’s useful to express all of it. Those rated as happier couples learned to manage angry thoughts and share them judiciously.

• Consider your opening. Pay attention to your tone and wording. Couples can avoid, soften or de-escalate differences through the manner in which they raise sensitive issues.

• Don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Gottman reports that the average couple waits six years before reaching out for help with a troubled marriage. The earlier a couple addresses problems the easier it is to make positive changes.

(Source: parenthood.com)

EXERCISE 10.2:

Analyze the extent to which the recommendations on the following site agree with the unity model:

Achieving Intimacy In Life Learning To Develop Lasting Relationships at:
www.mtnviewhospital.com/Health%20Information%20Library/PFF%20Achieving%20Intimacy%20in%20Life.htm

Some excerpts:

Mental Intimacy is a process of two minds working as one. It is being like-minded, or having the same purpose or goal. Mental intimacy is best described by the acronym

L.O.V.E.

L-Listen

O-Overlook and Forgive

V-Value Each Other

E-Express Love

This form of intimacy only grows through communication, which creates a better understanding of each other.

Mental intimacy is difficult because communication is difficult; however, it is vital to remember that love is a choice, commitment is a decision, and success is a matter of the mind first and the heart second. Mental intimacy is a thought process that realizes that the needs of your spouse should be more important than your own. There is a word for that, it is service.

Physical Intimacy is the actual touch between spouses. More than just sex, physical intimacy is a touch of tenderness, warmth and kindness. It is a process in growing intimacy not the end result. Kindness means to have sympathy or affection for something, in this case your spouse.

(...)

Spiritual Intimacy is a bonding of the deepest level of the individual. It is a true change from a “me versus you” to an “us” attitude. This is done through a personal commitment to each other and the moral and spiritual absolutes of the marriage vows. It is a building up of faith in one another because of the spiritual commitment.

Developing a spiritual intimacy requires a commitment to God that will keep you faithful to your mate. It is a protection against temptation and doubt, an assurance that what was right then continues to be right now. A strong spiritual basis is a foundation for a positive self-image, which allows the individual to commit with all their heart and all of their mind to their spouse.

(...)

Emotional Intimacy is the process of sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences with your spouse in and open and honest way. This level of intimacy requires the greatest risk because you will be vulnerable to the possibility of rejection. But, when the three aforementioned levels of intimacy are being pursued, then there is freedom to have emotional intimacy. At this level of intimacy, trust is the backbone. Intimacy must constantly be maintained and emotional intimacy is the key to keeping love alive. (...)

zzzzz

11. The Spiritual Dimension to the Unity Model

Psychology exists in two versions. One is called the negative bias, while the other is called the positive bias. The negative bias leads to materialism and non-theistic psychology. The positive bias leads to dualism and theistic psychology (see www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic). The unity model is within theistic psychology and is based on the Writings of Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772). Since theistic psychology is a dualist perspective, it addresses the connection between this life in time-space and the afterlife in eternity. In fact it elevates the importance of knowing this connection to a matter more important than life or death. In the positive bias, we remain scientific and empirically oriented, but we rely on facts gathered by Swedenborg in his eyewitness exploration of the "the spiritual world" of the afterlife, also known as eternity.

To me, one of the most amazing and happy of the discoveries Swedenborg made is that our life in heaven is in a conjugial (or married) state. He interviewed many "celestial" couples who had lived on earth thousands of years ago. And they were forever together with their childhood sweethearts, living in the fullness of their youth, in company of other conjugial couples, each enjoying their private houses which are magnificent, according to Swedenborg detailed descriptions of them. This is conjugial unity in heaven to eternity. Endless marital happiness and joy increasing daily forever.

Given Swedenborg's special Divinely appointed scientific mission to report on the afterlife, he was given the ability to visit the mental heavens and the hells that every human being contains in their mind. In other words, heaven and hell not only have a subjective experiential individual mental reality but also a communal heaven or hell (or group). In other words we are not alone in our mental hell or in our mental heaven. Others are also there. This makes sense if you remember that there is only mental world, just as there is only one physical space in the natural world. The afterlife of the human race is the mental world in eternity where we are born with a spiritual body at the same time that we are born on earth with a physical body. But our sensations, thoughts, and feelings are not physical things, hence they cannot exist in the physical body or brain. Instead, they exist in the spiritual body that is already in the afterlife of eternity. Hence we are born immortal.

Just as the physical body is surrounded by other physical bodies in the natural world of time, so is the spiritual body surrounded by other spiritual bodies in the mental world of eternity (also known as the "spiritual world"). So what is spiritual is nothing else than what is mental. You are in the spiritual world of eternity right now in your spiritual body that contains our mental organs -- affective (A), cognitive (C), sensorimotor (s) all arranged in layers of consciousness operations.

The unity model is based on this dualist approach in the positive bias of science.

When a man and a woman fall in love and desire to become mentally intimate and to form a union of friendship and love, they begin a mental organic process, or a spiritual process, in which their mental organs learn to function together in synchrony, and through this coordination, they become interdependent in their mental organs. People know that love is powerful binding force but few know that this is an organic process involving the mental organs of the threefold self in the spiritual body.

The bonding of love in the male dominance and equity type of interactions between husband and wife creates interdependence at the sensorimotor (S) and cognitive (C) levels of organic conjunction. These involve lower layers of the mental organs and do not involve the inmost or highest layers of the mental organs called "celestial" or heavenly. If organic conjunction occurs at the affective level, as in the unity phase, then a conjoint heaven is being built up organically. They will live in this conjoint heaven once they are both in the afterlife. But if the couple does not desire or strive to achieve affective unity in their marriage relationship then this conjoint organ of heaven cannot develop.

Still, as already stated before, every man and woman who is not yet conjoined to a soul mate, is given the opportunity to meet with one in the afterlife, and then together they can form a conjoint heaven from the spiritual love they have for each other. This is the conjugial love by which they desire to be interdependent affectively more than being independent. This is the definition of an angel. Swedenborg interviewed many angel couples and the unity model is based on the characteristics he found in their relationship. The spiritual body of husbands appeared masculine, handsome, and youthful, attired in beautiful clothes. The spiritual body of wives appeared feminine, stunningly beautiful, and youthful, attired in gorgeous clothes and adorned with amazing jewelry.

When one spoke it was like they were both speaking jointly. From a distance they appeared as just one angel. They were always present to each other mentally no matter who they were with or what they were doing in the course of the day. Each couple was totally unique and contributed their special uniqueness to the rest of the couples in that city or society. Each couple communicated mentally their special knowledge, perception, or abilities to the other couples in that society so that they mutually enriched each other continuously, as though they were one communal mind. And yet, each couple had their own area or mental zone of total privacy where the other minds could not have access.

All this is possible because the mental world of eternity is an organic world in the mind of the human race communally, and individually. There is only one mental world in which all the individual spiritual bodies are located. Hence it is that in the afterlife everyone can visit or see everyone else. The laws of desire and similarity drawn spiritual bodies into the same mental zone so they can see each other and interact with each other, live with each other.

People's consciousness of self occurs through the spiritual body that allows us to exist in the world of eternity. Swedenborg discovered that the laws of the mental world construct a communal consciousness or intersubjectivity. This is like the Web social networks and gathering places like MySpace or Facebook or YouTube, etc.

Through the virtual environment technology provided by SecondLife.com people can consociate with an assumed character and have relationships with others through their assumed character. This type of game like virtual world is analogous to what Swedenborg discovered about the mental world of eternity when he became conscious in both worlds from age 57 to 84.

When we "die" or "pass on" we awaken (through resuscitation) in the spiritual world a few hours later and continue our immortal life in the mental world of eternity through the spiritual body that we received at birth and through which we have accumulated our sensations, thoughts, and feelings.

This life of immortality is either in the heavens of our mind or in the hells of our mind.

What determines our ultimate destination in immortality depends on the traits we have accumulated while living in this life. If we are willing to let go of our hellish type traits, which are ego-biased and not based on rationality, then we can experience the kind of heaven we can live in with the heavenly traits we acquired, which are based on loving one's wife, being useful to society, and being considerate of others.

In other words, if you can be eternally happy with heavenly traits alone, you're in.

But if you cannot be eternally happy just with the heavenly traits, you're out. You cannot keep a single hellish love if you enter the heavenly layers in your mind. And vice versa. This is an organic law of creation.

If we are willing to let go of all our heavenly traits, and to keep only our hellish traits, we begin to sink into the depths and quagmires of our irrational mental hell. Of course there are gradations of hell, depending on how much people are willing to give in to their savage desires and insane thoughts. Swedenborg observed that the people in the hells of their mind also appear to themselves as living together as couples in dingy, dark, and stench filled habitations. But these couples are not loving with each other but in hatred towards each other and in the lust of dominance and exploitation. Swedenborg has disturbing descriptions of how much they abuse each other and try to dominate one another constantly. But the couples in heaven are kept together by harmony and mental unity, which is the maximum possible affective intimacy a married couple can experience.

After reading and appreciating Swedenborg's reports, which amount to about 30 volumes in English translation, I looked for ways to apply this new knowledge to my life, and my marriage was the most obvious place for me to focus on. At that point I was already in my early forties and had been basking complacently in the equity phase of marriage most of the time, and the male dominance phase some of the time. I was content because I could opt out any time I wanted from the equity expectations simply by slipping back into the male dominance phase. Then, after having my way, I could slip back into the equity phase and take credit for being a reasonable, kind, civilized, and modern husband.

This was a fraudulent equity phase and my poor wife was suffering, having to live her life in the loneliness of her mental intimacy where I would not venture myself. Nor would I allow her into the mental intimacy of my mind, which she experienced as slippery and without real inner principles. She recognized that I was a slave to my inherited traits and that it was taking me down the path of hell. No heavenly life could exist amidst such feelings of male superiority that I had internalized.

When I came upon the Writings of Swedenborg in 1981 I quickly realized that they were genuine and scientific. For the first time in human history husbands have available direct evidence of what it will be like for them if they retain the equity-dominance phase vs. acquiring a new way of interacting with the wife called the unity model. I appreciated being given that opportunity. And when I saw what it's really going to be like, I backed off from the equity-dominance phase and formulated for myself a new approach which I called the unity model.

From the moment of committing myself to the unity model I had a new motive to help me change in all the areas of my relationship with my wife.

I had a simple method, but totally effective. Whatever I felt like doing, saying, or thinking about any issue between us, I asked myself: Is this from heaven or from hell?

The effectiveness of this method is that there are no in betweens. Equity arguments don't work. Dominance arguments work even less. I had no choice but to pick one or the other. No shades of in between, no conditional exceptions or justifications or excuses. It's a categorical and unconditional decision. And incalculable benefits or harm will result in how I choose as a pattern for myself, either hellish or heavenly. I can make mistakes along the way. But it is the cumulative pattern that indicates which direction I'm going in.

Swedenborg's reports allow me to fill in the precise consequences of choosing to go my heavenly way or my hellish way when I interact with my wife. I am motivated to live in a heavenly life in which I am eternally conjoined to my wife so that we no longer are two but one.

Once I officially and publicly committed myself to this goal, my wife was able to help me in a decisive way. Before this, I neutralized her methods and resisted them. I remained who I was when she married me. I did not let her change me. I did not join her in her mental intimacy. I kept her out of my mental intimacy. We were two people separated by two different minds. But then, we started becoming one-minded when I censored most of my spontaneous feelings, thoughts, and reactions, and labeled them as coming from hell.

I noticed that in this decision of which way to go, hell or heaven, there was a little space left in the cusp. I had an instant of free choice offered me: To go with the hellish reaction I was feeling, or to jump to the other side of it, and go with the heavenly reaction, which was to inhibit the hellish one. In that little space I was able to insert a heavenly reaction, thought, or feeling. Suddenly my wife felt like I broke into her long suffering loneliness and neglect. I saved her, as I should have done, right from the beginning we met. Better late than never. And now I'm sharing with others the knowledge of the unity model.

The positive bias towards the idea of eternal marriage in the unity model gives women access to three important benefits. First, it allows women to see more clearly where and why the men are resistant in the relationship. Second, women can see more clearly how the man's resistance to mental intimacy affects the women's own peace and self-confidence. Third, women can see more clearly where they can use rationality to apply mental pressure towards the man so that he can become more motivated to get rid of his resistance to conjunction and intimacy.

To the extent that these benefits accrue to women, to that extent the men they are in love with will also benefit -- if only they are willing to listen to their woman.

The section on Field Observations below will give you analytic tools that are effective in monitoring your interactions and the interactions of couples you know. Until we learn how to monitor our interactions objectively, we only have an inaccurate and biased view of ourselves. Try to memorize the tables or charts. Once they are in your conscious awareness, you will be able to use them to identify the interactions you are observing live. The more you use the charts for your observations and thinking, the more your rational understanding will be enriched.

The woman's role in this process of unification is central and needs to be understood by the man in order to be able to cooperate with her.

The man's primary job in the unification process is to refrain from weakening the woman's self-confidence in the process.

At the cognitive level (C) man needs to give the woman the right and propriety of her affective (A) interventions (S). Because man is resistant in giving up his affective independence he will need the woman's help to melt the resistance away. He must be careful not to allow his resistance to turn into counterattack and punishment. This would only weaken her resolve to keep fighting for affective intimacy.

Women give up on their husbands when the husbands continue to punish them for trying to make a real man out of them. For instance they use the negative word "nagging" to refer to their legitimate role of fighting for the man's heaven and preventing him from sinking into a hell. This is a loving self-sacrificing altruistic activity that a woman does for the man whom she wants to unite with. It's gross and cruel for the man to punish her for doing her job to save his eternal happiness and comfort.

So above all, the man must not continue to weaken the wife's resolve and self-confidence by punishing her and retaliating against her when she is afire with passion to make him change something about himself.

A woman may appear like she is angry with the man by the way she talks and looks. But this is not anger, but zeal. The two look alike on the outside but they are as different on the inside as hell and heaven. Anger is from hell, but zeal is from heaven. Zeal it the passion she has for the heavenly work it takes to bring her man on board the conjugial wagon of affective intimacy. The man can prove to himself that it is not anger by agreeing to what she wants, and instantly she becomes sweet again. When she is angry because he has hurt her callously, she cannot turn sweetly on a dime. It takes getting over, it takes making up and making it right again. Anger is disjunctive. But zeal is conjunctive, and it evaporates in an instant when the man complies from a desire to become more unified.

A real man is one who remains gallant and considerate of her feelings during her explosive reactions from zeal. To retaliate with anger or insult is beneath the man. He must learn to compel himself to rise above it, to allow her insistence, her prodding, her constant watchfulness. To allow it means to take it in a positive way, to see its legitimacy and spiritual function.

The man can cooperate in the process of unification by giving his wife even more power over him. He needs to tell her what's on his mind, what he is planning, what he is expecting, what he is hoping for, what he is afraid of, what he is trying to bring about. This is cognitive intimacy. The wife can then use this information against his resistance by bringing it out into the open, discussing it with him, giving him the benefit of how she thinks about it. And if he allows her to influence him, he is taking a step closer to affective intimacy with her.

It's hurtful and gross for a man to use the word "nagging" when she confronts him with her zeal to make him be good and sincere. It is cruel for him to call her derogatory names, and especially is it gross if he refers to her as a female body part, dehumanizing her, robbing her of her precious femininity, attacking and injuring her innocence and heavenly zeal for unification. And yet men do this without giving it much thought. This they must stop or else there is not going to be any affective intimacy, any conjoint heaven for them.

It is not realistic to expect that the men can stop their anti-unity values and habits all at once and immediately.

This is not what the woman is expecting. In her wisdom she knows that it will take time and much cooperative effort. She is looking for his change of heart, his commitment and sincere motivation to put himself through the process of gradually conjoining, to get through the process, and eventually to achieve success. She is willing to wait and continue to work hard at it -- as long as he shows that he is willing.

To achieve success the man needs to begin the process of self-witnessing so that he may become aware of his inherited prerogatives that society gives him, which he uses to maintain distance between him and her. And this requires analytic tools for observation and classification. The ennead matrix is a good tool for this purpose. We will now study how the ennead chart can help us in identifying disjunctive and conjunctive interactions between a man and a woman.

In the unity model the definition of spiritual marriage depends on the mental anatomy of men and women. A man and a woman can form a natural marriage only, without at the same time a spiritual marriage. Anatomically this conjoins their external mental organs called the natural mind. If they enter into a natural marriage union, and then pursue the unity model in their interactions, then they enter into the spiritual marriage as well. For a spiritual marriage to exist, there must first be a natural marriage. When they enter the spiritual marriage their internal organs are then also conjoined. This mind is called the spiritual mind. Hence natural marriages are in the natural mind, while spiritual marriages are in the spiritual mind.

Anatomically, the spiritual mind is functioning in the mental world of eternity in its spiritual body, which we have since birth. We are not conscious of the operations in our spiritual mind until after resuscitation, following the dying and separation of the physical body. The unity model is based on this spiritual marriage. The conjunction of the mental organs of wife and husband in their spiritual mind creates the conjoint self, as discussed previously. This is a mental state called heaven in eternity.

But outside the unity model and its theory, the expression "spiritual marriage" has a different meaning which you need to be aware of. Here are some instances of that.

From Wikipedia at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_marriage

"Spiritual marriage comes from the idea of "love without sex." It is a practice in which a man and a woman live intimately without having any sexual relationship. It is been known throughout all cultures as a bond of a man and a woman with its only reason being the spiritual connection between the two and nothing more. Spiritual marriage is the ultimate singular relationship."

In other words, this is the opposite meaning of that in the unity model.

One reason that people dissociate "spiritual" from sexual love is that they are not aware of mental anatomy and have no knowledge or idea of it. Sometimes people use the expression spiritual marriage to refer to the relationship between God and the soul. Sometimes people take the literal verses of Sacred Scripture as indicating that people in the afterlife are not sexual because sexuality is associated with the physical body, and they have no idea that we are born with a spiritual body as well as a physical body, and that all mental things such as sexual desire and mental intimacy originate in the spiritual body. The sexual sensations we have, the sexual thoughts, and the sexual emotions and feelings -- are all located in the immortal spiritual body and its mental organs. The physical brain is not capable of containing sexual feelings, thoughts, and sensations because these are not physical phenomena, but mental. All mental phenomena must be in the mental world of eternity, none of it in the physical world.

As Swedenborg found out through meeting them, the couples in the heavens of their mind in eternity are all enjoying their conjugial love or marital sexuality. This then may be rightly called spiritual marriage because all marriage consists of sexual love as the hub around which all other issues revolve.

A view on spiritual marriage that is more compatible with the unity model is based on the teachings of a Hindu guru well known in the United States and named Paramahansa Yogananda founder of the Self-Realization Fellowship.

From: http://alternativespirituality.suite101.com/article.cfm/spiritual_marriage

Yoganandaji teaches that in men, reason is ascendant, and in women, feeling is ascendant. Perfection is a balance of reason and feeling, and both men and women need that balance. Since they do not have that balance, they can learn much from each other. A truly spiritual marriage exists when the partners are practicing a discipline that helps them seek that perfect balance of reason and feeling.

In Spiritual Marriage, a booklet from SRF’s “How-to-Live” Series, Brother Anandamoy says, “The ideal of spiritual union between [man and woman] is that man might bring out the hidden reason in woman, and that woman might help man uncover his hidden feeling.” The bond of mutual spiritual aid to each marriage partner creates the “spiritual marriage” or the highest purpose of human marriage.

Too much emphasis on the material level of human existence dooms a marriage, for example, when people marry for the wrong reasons, such as sexual attraction, or financial gain, or status in society. When they seek perpetual romance and do not grow into the calm, serene state of spiritual striving and when love remains on the surface and vanishes with youthful physical beauty, the marriage does not grow into a spiritual experience but disintegrates as the partners try to capture the original youthful blindness that attracted them in the beginning of the relationship.

Love must be allowed to mature and deepen into a genuine caring about the partner if the relationship is to become spiritual and not merely a physical bond.

You can see that in this view spiritual marriage is within natural marriage. In other words, once a man and a woman have a natural marriage going they can move into a deeper relationship that is spiritual, hence eternal. What is eternal is called spiritual.

Is marriage only a piece of paper? See this news article:
http://icwales.icnetwork.co.uk/news/feature-news/2008/01/02/is-marriage-only-a-piece-of-paper-91466-20303481/

Happy marriage cuts stress for women. See this news article:
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Happy_marriage_cuts_stress_for_women/articleshow/2669164.cms

EXERCISE 11.1

1) Explain what the unity model is based on. Discuss the negative and positive bias in science. What is Swedenborg's report regarding "conjugial love" in the afterlife of eternity? How do you react to this perspective? How is this related to the anatomy of the human mind?

2) What is the man's role in helping to create the unification process in marriage? How does this contrast with the woman's role? Define what is a spiritual marriage. Discuss your definition with your partner and friends. How do they react? What is your conclusion?

12. Making Field Observations

You can practice observing couples, yourself in a couple, or other couples, to try to identify the level of their conjunction and interaction.

Observe their mode of talking. Does the man contradict what the woman says, or does he make her lose face by some other way like embarrassing her?
Is there conflict between them? Does he get mad and yell or pout? Does he walk away to cool off and stays away out of anger and inability to come together at the cognitive or affective level?
Does he insist on his own male prerogatives as a man? Does he leave her to do his own thing with his friends, leaving her behind?
Does he insist or put pressure on her to do X or Y that she rather not do?
etc.

On occasions when you'll observe a couple in the unity phase, you will note that the interaction is very different. There is never any anger, hostility, disagreement, or bickering between them. They are united from the affective (A) level outward to the cognitive (C) and the sensorimotor (S). You're observing their sensorimotor interaction -- physical actions and talk -- but from these one can also infer to some extent the quality of their cognitive and affective levels of interaction.

Note that the traditional male dominance and modern equity phases have to do with gender politics in power sharing and negotiating about who does what when. In contrast, the unity model is organic and has to do with reciprocity and mutuality. For instance, the human body is organically a whole, a unit functioning as one person. This organic unity is not achieved by the power of differentiation between the parts, arguing among each other which organs or body parts are more powerful or important. Rather, what makes synergistic unity is the reciprocal and mutual interdependence of differentiated parts, each part functioning at its unique best in contributing to the whole.

What are relationship areas where the woman should lead in the unity model?

These include all the areas in which a man is motivated by feelings and attitudes that he does not clearly recognize.

The husband's or boyfriend's feelings and attitudes (A) are critical since his thinking (C) and his acting (S) are determined by these hidden motivations and feelings.

The woman has the biological and spiritual capacity to perceive intuitively and very accurately which of the man's feelings and attitudes are competitive with her or even hostile to her, which means that these are destructive of their eventual conjunction.

Assuming that the man also wants ultimate conjunction, it is rational for him to rely on his wife's or girlfriend's intuitive perception of his hidden motives and intentions. In this way he can put up the effort to modify these anti-unity feelings and intentions that all men have to begin with.

She can feel his attitude of resistance or his disjunctive feelings through her reactions to his actions.

In other words a woman experiences a specific affective or mental reaction to a man's action towards her. By being aware of her own reaction the woman knows whether the man's action towards her was conjunctive or disjunctive.

The man himself may not be aware whether his action was conjunctive or disjunctive. He may think and say that he meant it as conjunctive, but her reaction perceives that it was really disjunctive. He can now dispute her, which is further disjunctive action on his part. Or, if the man is enlightened, or wants to be, then he can listen to her, follow her leading, when it comes to identifying his own anti-unity feelings, attitudes, and actions.

In the male dominance and equity phases the man reserves the right to say No! to the woman's perceptions and intuitions, even if she pleads with him to listen to her. But in the unity model he officially recognizes that she always has perceptions of their relationship details that promote their unity, while he often does not. Recognizing this, he voluntarily submits to her pleadings, urgings, demands, requests, suggestions, and expectations. And in this way he becomes the man she can be united with forever. But if he reserves the right to pick and choose when he will listen to her and when not, then they cannot achieve full unity of the threefold self.

In the marriage relationship the husband at first feels independent of his wife in terms of his cognitive and affective self. He loves the woman, spends time with her, and they do activities together, like going out, eating, running a house, etc. This joint activity unites them in the external sensorimotor (S) self. But he maintains separate thoughts (C) and attitudes (A) and resists her attempts to modify them. They are not united internally at the cognitive level, and even less in the inmost or affective level. But as the relationship grows deeper, the husband allows his thinking to be influenced by his wife so that they may achieve unity at the cognitive level. He tries not to disagree with her (A) and to go along with her requests or demands (S).

Later the husband can grow enough to be able to give up his independence at the affective level so that he elevates her motivations and perceptions above his own.

He allows her feelings and intentions (A) to rule his thoughts (C) and actions (S).

Normally a man resists moving in this direction, but unless he does, he remains independent of her in his feelings. Since feelings and intentions (A) ultimately determine thinking (C) and doing (S), the unity of the couple cannot be achieved in the internal plane unless the affective self is unified.

A woman who is in an exclusive long term conjoining relationship with a man develops an accurate image of her man's relationship model. The wife has an accurate mental replica of her husband. By observing this inner representative or virtual husband that the wife has within her mind, she can see that, at different times, he behaves towards her in three distinct ways or styles. One style of interacting he uses towards her is called the male dominance phase. Another style he uses towards her is called the equity phase. And sometimes he uses the unity model style to relate to her in his interactions. Of course this is the style she loves the most and hopes for having all the time.

She hopes that he will spend less and less of his interactions in the equity phase, and none at all in the dominance phase. She remembers that when they met they went through a dating or honeymoon phase that she loved because he was mostly acting from the unity model -- never disagreeing with her, always being attentive, gallant, and romantic. This is what she wants all the time, what she needs, what she deserves from the man who swears he loves her and with whom she has decided to conjoin in physical and mental intimacy. She needs for him to be both romantic lover and best friend. She wants and needs both of these in one man.

When the man also wants ultimate and affective conjunction, the two partners are gradually and organically becoming one conjoint self. They are thus achieving a higher human potential and happiness than is possible each on their own. They are also constructing the heavenly mansion they will be be living in the other life.

You can see that a unit (or "oneness") formed by a couple is a higher form of human life than an individual by himself or herself. The unit of a single individual is based on selfism since since the individual's self is the unit, even if the individual is compassionate and charitable. But the unit made by a couple is higher in human functioning because it is based on the other, not the self.

Mutual love and community elevate the individual into a higher form of life, marked by happiness through altruism rather happiness through selfism.

In the same way couples can vary in terms of how perfectly the two partners are united -- external intimacy (sensorimotor), internal intimacy (cognitive), and inmost intimacy (affective). The most perfect unit is formed when the two partners are united at all three levels of the threefold self. This is then a permanent or spiritual unit that lasts into the eternal future or "heaven" where it continues to improve forever to unimaginable levels of human joy, bliss, and intelligence

It may seem that the model of unity gives unequal status to the man and the woman, and that the man seems to be blamed for everything that doesn't function just right in the couple.

Because women want to be fair to men, they sometimes feel uneasy with the unity model, and some even think that the unity model involves some "man-bashing."

But this idea goes away when you realize that women and men are not equal in anything or at any level -- physically, mentally, spiritually.

The only equality there ought to be between men and women is political and financial equality.

But there is no equality between man and woman biologically, psychologically, and spiritually. Each must play the role of differentiation and reciprocity. The woman does this spontaneously from herself, but most men need the woman's help. The unity model helps the woman and the man achieve their reciprocal role, and thereby achieve a conjoint self to eternity.

The three phases assign different role behaviors to the couple. Those interactions of the man that are activated by the dominance phase assign a dominant role to the man and a submissive role to the woman in all the areas defined by culture. The equity phase theoretically or ideally assigns equal power and responsibility in the relationship, so that the couple has to negotiate power sharing arrangements and decision making areas. The unity model assigns a lead role to the woman in the area of the relationship, but this lead role is not the same thing as the dominance of a man in the male dominance phase.

The leading role of the woman in the unity model operates by the man's own voluntary compliance to the wife's affections and motivations, being committed to follow them instead of his own. At any moment he feels free to decide to withdraw his consent to her leading role, and then she no longer has an influence on him. He still does what he wants. This proves that the wife's or girl friend's leading role in the relationship is not a form of female dominance, as it s in the case of male dominance.

The wife has no power to retain the leading role when the husband doesn't feel like giving assent to her.

In the male dominance phase this is not the case, since the woman cannot withdraw her assent, but is forced by tradition, society, and husband to go along with the male dominant arrangement.

This is why the unity model works. It is based on the man's rational understanding that she can see things about him that he cannot see about himself, and therefore it is a matter of trust and compliance to her vision and motivation, over his own. If he cannot see this by rational understanding, he will maintain the relationship at the male dominance or equity level. To be able to see this rationally is called spiritual enlightenment (see g28, 459 Lecture Notes for more on this topic: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic/mental-anatomy.htm )

In order to achieve internal unity with his wife, a husband has to acknowledge all the ways he keeps himself affectively separate from his wife, or all the ways he resists complete internal unity with her. To help in this self-witnessing task, I made a long list of "confessions" of those behaviors that I observed myself doing in the relationship with my wife during the first twenty years.

TOGETHER FOREVER -- ETERNITY NOW

The Unity Model of Marriage

How to Achieve the Conjoint Self

Based on the Theistic Psychology of Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772)

Dr. Leon James, Professor of Psychology

Go to: Part 1 || Part 1b || Part 2 || Part 2b || Part 3 || Part 4

This is Part 2b

Part 2b begins here

6. Unity Model in Marriage:
*Basic E***nnead Chart of Interactions

7. Threefold Degrees of Conjunction

8. Male Dominance Phase of Marriage

9. Sexual Blackmail

10. Developing Mental Intimacy With One's Wife

Bill of Rights

11. The Spiritual Dimension to the Unity Model

This is the end of Part 2b

Go to: Part 1 || Part 1b || Part 2 || Part 2b || Part 3 || Part 4

TOGETHER FOREVER -- ETERNITY NOW

The Unity Model of Marriage

How to Achieve the Conjoint Self

Based on the Theistic Psychology of Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772)

Dr. Leon James, Professor of Psychology

Go to: Part 1 || Part 1b || Part 2 || Part 2b || Part 3 || Part 4

This is Part 2b

Part 2b begins here

6. Unity Model in Marriage: Basic Ennead Chart of Interactions

7. Threefold Degrees of Conjunction

8. Male Dominance Phase of Marriage

9. Sexual Blackmail

10. Developing Mental Intimacy With One's Wife

Bill of Rights

11. The Spiritual Dimension to the Unity Model

This is the end of Part 2b

Go to: Part 1 || Part 1b || Part 2 || Part 2b || Part 3 || Part 4

6. Unity Model in Marriage:
*Basic E***nnead Chart of Interactions