University of Hawaii, Fall 2008, G28, Psychology 409b Seminar 
Class Home Page for G28, Fall 2008 is at:
       www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy28/classhome-g28.htm  
Student reports and their annotated Web Links on Marriage:
        www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/499f2006/Links/
The web address of this document is:
        www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy28/409b-g28-lecture-notes.htm

TOGETHER FOREVER -- ETERNITY NOW

    The Unity Model of Marriage

How to Achieve the Conjoint Self

Based on the Theistic Psychology of Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772)

Lecture Notes Version 22a

Dr. Leon James, Professor of Psychology

University of Hawaii
Fall 2008

Go to:   Part 1  ||  Part 1b || Part 2 ||  Part 2b  ||  Part 3  ||  Part 4

This is Part 3

14.    Areas of Observations for Equity

15.    Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Phase

16.    Gender Discourse Within the Three Phases

16a.  Sexy vs. Unsexy Conversational Style of Husbands

16b.  Spiritual Dynamics Between Husband and Wife

16c.  Conversational Rules for Husbands in Conjugial Interactions

16d. Characteristics of Husband's Threefold Self During Discourse

16e.  Field Activity: Monitoring Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Discourse

17.    Happiness and Unhappiness on the Ennead Chart

18.    Contrasting the Three Phases

19.    Examples of Anti-Unity Values (AUVs)
20.    Examples of Unity Values (UVs) -- Sweetheart Rituals

21.    Giving Objective Feedback

Reading List

Student Reports

EXERCISES


Part 3 begins here

14.  Areas of Observations for Equity

EXERCISE 14.1

Consider and discuss the following issues regarding Table 16.1 and the ennead matrix of growth steps in marriage:

  • How would these observations help you in assessing the quality of relationship of couples you know -- yourself and others?

  • How do you explain these observations--what do they show or why are things this way?

  • How do you now understand gender relationships in terms of dominance, equity, unity, biology, culture, spirituality?

This is Table 14.1

Areas of Observation for
Sensorimotor Male Dominance vs. Sensorimotor Equity vs. Sensorimotor Unity
Zones 1, 4 ,7

  1. Who gets to hold and control the TV remote battle of the couples over the TV remote

  2. Whose choice prevails for what home movies to watch

  3. Who chooses what restaurant to go to

  4. What interaction dynamics goes on in each other's appearance--clothes, body shape, hair, etc.

  5. How much influence is each partner willing to take from the other regarding how to behave with friends or family, or others

  6. How do they talk to each other and what does the talk reveal about their cognitive and affective self

  7. What are the conditions under which they are physically intimate and how do they act and react

  8. How do they coordinate their movements while walking, doing tasks at home, sitting beside each other

  9. What kind of facial expressions do they have when alone together

  10. Are their preferences in tastes, colors, odors, sounds, lighting -- compatible

  11. Who changes topics in a conversation or introduces new topics and what does the other do with it

  12. Who is attentive to the other

  13. Who doesn't answer, looks away, avoids, ignores, walks out

  14. Who yells, expresses angry and hurtful words, hits, acts threatening, throws things

  15. Who marks dates, events, anniversaries, celebrations, birthday cards, flowers

  16. etc.

Areas of Observation for
Cognitive Male Dominance vs. Cognitive Equity vs. Cognitive Unity
Zones 2, 5, 8

  1. What do the two partners think of each other in terms of who controls whom, when, and how

  2. How do they use "equity philosophy" in their relationship (i.e., how they decide about sharing work, duties, money, responsibilities)

  3. What is their attitude about one partner trying to influence the other (e.g., when  trying to change the other's habits, beliefs, loyalties, personality traits)

  4. What does each partner think of the other's opinions and views (e.g., dislikes them, ignores them, isn't interested in them, argues against them, etc. -- or the opposite of these -- likes them, pays attention to them, is interested in them, goes along with them, etc.)

  5. What do the two partners seriously disagree about or argue about without resolution of the problem

  6. How much agreement or disagreement exists between the partners regarding God and their being together in the afterlife

  7. How much do the two partners let themselves be intellectually influenced by each other's ideas

  8. How clear are they to each other when discussing things (e.g., hiding things, keeping secrets, being touchy or oversensitive to some topics, talking guardedly or with reserve, -- or the opposite)

  9. How much does each believe in marriage myths like "Passion decreases with time" or "Absence makes the heart fonder" or "Wives tend to nag" or "Husands need thier own hobbies" etc.

  10. etc.

Areas of Observation for
Affective Male Dominance vs. Affective Equity vs. Affective Unity
Zones 3, 6, 9

  1. How motivated is each partner to remember relationship things (dates one of them considers important, celebrations, joint memories, intimate events, preferences of the other for various things like food or activities)

  2. How motivated is each to the idea of putting the partner ahead of everything else--children, friends, family, career, attachments.

  3. How committed is each partner to the idea of total unity (e.g., feeling free to raise and  talk about any topic, feeling motivated to eliminate all disagreements between them by wanting to change for the sake of the other, and so on)

  4. What motivates them to consider each other ahead of everything else, or not

  5. How much do the partners try to hurt each other (e.g., retaliation, punishment, sulking, staying away, breaking promises, being unfaithful or disloyal, being uncaring or unloving, manipulating, forcing)

  6. How passionate is each partner towards the other (e.g., in being romantic, in making the other feel special and exclusive, etc.) Is she his Sweetheart? Is he her Ideal Man?

  7. How much are the partners motivated to stay together as much as they can (e.g., shopping together, leisure activities, lunches, watching TV, hobbies, house tasks, seeing others, vs. doing separate things each on their own  (e.g., seeing friends, sports and games, hobbies, TV programs, shopping separately)

  8. etc.


 

15.  Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model

EXERCISE 15.1

Here is a table that shows some contrastive elements that differentiates the three phases of growth in marriage.

Table 15.1

Behavioral Indicators of
One's Relationship Phase

1
Dominance phase

2
Equity phase

3
Unity phase

Partners tolerate role differences, either culturally defined or by personal preference

Yes

Yes

Yes

Partners tolerate some disagreements as something normal and inevitable

Yes

Yes

No

Partners tolerate status differences between a man and a woman

Yes

No

 No

Partners insist on exclusivity so that neither may carry on close friendships with others

No

No

Yes

Partners allow each other privacy or separate activities that the other is not involved in

Yes

Yes

No

Partners believe themselves to be married in this life and in the afterlife in heaven to eternity

No

No

Yes

Each partner is tolerant of some of the other's faults and tries to live with them

Yes

Yes

No

The man always cooperates with the woman's attempts to change him

No

No

Yes

When partners disagree they negotiate to reach a consensus 

No

Yes

No

When partners disagree the man gives in to the woman's way of thinking 

No

No

Yes

Partners can't stand being separated even for a few hours, and get very anxious

No

No

Yes

Partners are mutually interdependent and complementary in all areas

No

No

Yes

Partners have total confidence in each other, feeling free of any criticism ever

No

No

Yes

Partners never try to punish each other or retaliate for anything

No

No

Yes

While making seating choices for guests at a wedding, splitting up the married couples

Yes

Yes

No

Partners assume responsibility for each other's feelings and emotions

No

No

Yes

Partners try to make each other happy

Yes

Yes

Yes

Partners allow each other to have incompatible opinions about various topics

Yes

Yes

No

Partners never diminish in enthusiasm and admiration for each other

No

No

Yes

The original passion of love decreases as the years go by

Yes

Yes

No

etc. (add your own here)

 

 

 

 

This type of contrastive analysis shows that the dominance phase has an 84% overlap in answers with the equity phase but only 16% overlap with the unity phase. Similarly the equity phase has only a 16% overlap with the unity phase. This shows that the unity model is most different from the other two. It is also the most difficult to achieve unless the husband is spiritually enlightened and has the afterlife in mind regarding their eternal conjunction.

Construct your own table as above, making up new items for each row. Discuss it with your partner and friends. What did you learn through these discussions?


16. Gender Discourse Within the Three Phases

16a: Sexy vs. Unsexy Conversational Style of Husbands

 

Consider why a wife needs girl friends to talk to, to go out shopping, to go to lunch, call each other on the phone, send birthday cards and give gifts, keep each other in the loop about happenings, etc. Husbands and boyfriends have to acquire similar conversational skills if they want to be their wife's friend, and even best friend.

 

A woman affiliates with women friends more when their husband or boyfriend hasn't learned how to act like a friend. She tries to talk to him, hoping he can be a friend, but he resists and acts like he doesn't want to learn how to talk to her like a friend. Being friends is different from being just lovers and roommates. To be able to talk like friends two people have be mentally intimate at the cognitive level (C), and to be best friends, at the affective level (A) as well. To be best friends with his wife, a husband has to remember her topics and keep track of all the details of her involvement with some issue, person, or activity. This is cognitive intimacy (C).

 

In addition, the husband has to care more about making her feel good about herself, than caring about the topic or his solution or opinion or analysis. So he needs to perform the speech acts that make her feel interesting, approved of, accepted, even admired. This is affective intimacy (A). A husband can be best friends with his wife if he is willing to learn how to talk to her in that way. But to remain best friends on a long term basis, or even forever,  the husband has to maintain this style of talking to her in everything and all times. You can see from this that a wife whose husband is her best friend will derive more from this relationship with him than with any other person -- girlfriend, family member, old friend, good friend, high school friend, team buddy, etc. The husband-wife conjunction as best friends and soul mate lovers is the highest mental state that human beings can achieve in eternity and heaven.

 

Best friends never yell at each other, never get mad at each other, never lie to each other, don't like to keep secrets from each other, always try to promote the other, always show admiration for one another, like being together and having fun, and support each other in whatever they do never showing disapproval or rejection. Women can achieve some of these things with a girlfriend or family member, but only with her husband can she achieve this fully involving all of herself and body.

 

Why does the man resist this process of increased mental intimacy with the woman with whom he is being physically intimate? One reason is that it takes mental effort to progress on the path of intimacy and in order to put up that effort the man has to feel enough of a reward to go through with it. This is a selfish and foolish reason. An enlightened man thinks about being with this woman in eternity forever as best friends and soul mates. This is an immense reward, greater than all the others he can amass. He knows this rationally. Through this rational knowledge he can gain intentionality and motivation to work towards achieving progressively deeper states of intimacy with his wife. Heavenly life in conjugial union as a conjoint self -- this is the greatest reward there can be. The man has to think this as the true reality from creation.

 

When a man and a woman are in a permanent love relationship, sexual union is at the centre of their relationship, like the hub of a wheel holding the spokes in place. Through the spokes, the central component or hub, comes into contact with every part of the surface of the wheel. Sexual union or sexual love between husband and wife is the hub or central component of all other activities of the couple. Each spoke represents some area of interaction like going shopping, playing games, raising the children, keeping house together, dealing with the extended family, finances, etc. Each activity or area of concern is connected to the hub, which is their sexual love. There is a popular saying that a marriage goes on the rocks in bed. In other words, when sexual love dies, the hub or center of the relationship can no longer hold the marriage together.

 

Here is an illustration from the NetDoctor Web site that relates to this topic:

From: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/ate/sexandrelationships/relationships/200720.html

My marriage is on the rocks

Question

My marriage is on the rocks, both myself and my husband have talked things through - we love each other a lot but no longer cuddle, kiss, show each other affection and we only have sex about once a month. My daughter is one year old.   (...)

I would even go as far as saying that I feel I would rather not be here and life hurts too much sometimes.

My husband is a good man but things have reached a peak. He says he would never leave as he loves me loads and would also never leave because of our daughter but he can't take the fact that I show him no affection whatsoever.

I feel really selfish - I always want him to cuddle me when we go to bed and I don't even think about cuddling him. I never feel like sex, which is one of the major problems.

I so want my sex drive back again. I just don't know where to start.

The love is there but we seem to have been taking each other for granted and the affection has gone and we don't know how to get it back. If things don't change I don't know what'll happen - I can't even think about us splitting up, the tears start and I really don't think I'm strong enough to go through that again - please help.

Is there anything I can take to kick start my libido. I should mention that I did have a period of postnatal depression and I also have low self-esteem and confidence. I am not on the Pill - I have the contraceptive coil fitted.

We do not want any more children - we just want our old selves back.

Answer

David writes:

Well, your letter strongly suggests that you are depressed. I beg you to go and see your GP this week, and discuss whether you should be on antidepressants.

As regards your sex-related problems, these need discussing with a counselor. There must be some reason why your sex drive has disappeared, and you need to find out why. (Depression, probably plays a part.)  (...)

Christine adds:

Yes, I heartily agree with all of this. I really do think that you are depressed.

Your husband clearly loves you, so I really don't think there is any prospect of him asking for a separation or anything.

I wonder how well you've bonded with your child. You don't say much about her but say that you don't want more kids and 'just want our old selves back'.

So it sounds as if motherhood may not be all you had hoped for - but again, this could be the depression talking. (...)

Last updated 1.10.2002

The above is from: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/ate/sexandrelationships/relationships/200720.html


 10 ways to keep intimacy in your marriage

By Anna Sobrepeña, Philippine Daily Inquirer, First Posted 05/11/2008

(...)

So how to account for the last 24 years of marriage which have been the best years of my life?

We’ve picked up learnings along the way and we’re still at it, discovering avenues to make life for better and not for worse.

This is hardly a comprehensive list but doable and bite-size efforts go a long way for a happy togetherness till death do us part.

1 Keep a weekly appointment with each other. (...)  Knowing I had this weekly venue freed me from nagging about a repair that need to get done or calculating the best time to bring up a sensitive issue.

2 Share thoughts. Besides doing things together, we talked about the experience. It keeps us in touch with each other’s thought life. We have animated discussions on movies, books, current events and homilies. Things happen to us during the day when we are apart. During the evening, we fill each other in on what happened and reflections we may have had. He talks about the latest successful microfinance initiatives and his continued hope that things can get better for this country. I tell him about a new restaurant and the amazing local chef who is on par with the world’s best. Besides bringing one another into each other’s day, we develop a communication skill that enriches not just the one speaking but also the listener.

3 Read the same page. There is some effort to build commonalities beyond what we normally share. (...) We forward e-mails we find worthwhile to spend some precious moments on.

4 Speak gently. Modulated voices encourage listening to each other. One decibel higher can trigger a negative response. We have had to learn nuances in language that affect each other. I remind him that his management style of giving instructions sounds like he is talking to his secretary and not his wife. He will pause in the middle of a conversation to clarify if I am angry because my responses appear terse.

Timing is also important. (...)

Most importantly, the way we speak to each other and the way we speak of each other conveys, not just to one another but also to our children, household staff or anyone within hearing distance, respect or lack of it. Respect establishes the person and accords dignity that enables one to be their best selves.

5 Do things together. There are some things we both enjoy like spending hours in a book store, watching a play or cheering at our son’s basketball tournament, even if our understanding of the game is limited to getting the ball into the correct basket. (...)

6 Wear something nice. The children used to ask when they were younger where I was going when they saw me dressing up. I told them their daddy was coming home and I was preparing to look nice for him when he walked through the front door. Besides being a pleasing sight, it also made me feel good about myself. The most important person in my life was the one I slept with at night and woke up beside with in the morning. The way I looked was one way I conveyed my regard for him. (...)

7 Give gifts. I have a photograph of my husband precariously leaning to pick wild flowers on the roadside. He had asked the driver to take the picture to show the lengths he went to bring those to me. It was certainly more precious than the washing machine he told me to buy for my birthday present. His efforts counted more than the cost of the laundry device. (...)

8 Hug. Smile. Cuddle. Laugh together. Litter the day with gestures that affirm each other. Touch each other constantly with hands and eyes, notes and text messages. Morning rituals like rolling into his arms when he wakes up, or hugging skin to skin after a shower have been starting off our days well and brings pleasant anticipation of homecoming at the end of the day.

9 Share meals. Some of the most important decisions and agreements have been made over the dinner table. Dining is meant to be pleasurable. It is done at leisure in relaxed circumstances. Lectures and unpleasant subject matter is discouraged. Serving palate pleasers is an important factor. (...)

10 Remember the spouse is not the enemy. We do not always agree on things but cultivating a mind set that we are on the same side helps to keep discussions reasonable. In the end, after we have listened to each other and still do not agree, I let him win. (...)

Most often, it is not a matter of right or wrong but of preference and in the end, we both win because giving in brings out magnanimity on his part and we become generous with each other. In the end, curling up with a good book doesn’t come close to having someone who laughs at your jokes, rubs your soles and finishes what’s left of a coke.

Read the original article. The above is from: http://showbizandstyle.inquirer.net/lifestyle/lifestyle/view/20080511-135842/10-ways-to-keep-intimacy-in-your-marriage

 The marital counseling exhibited here is clearly from the male dominance perspective. We have encountered this type of advice giving in our discussions on Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Gray. This approach consists of focusing in on the woman as the source of the problem, and avoiding attributing any responsibility to the husband. This type of advice is devastating to the woman, shaking her self-confidence, if any is left, and driving her deeper into despair, into the feeling that she is all alone and no one will legitimize her.

In this case the woman writing the letter has been affectively abandoned by her husband.

 

Her self-confidence is shaken to the core, even to depression, because she is made to feel that her lack of sexual love for her husband is her fault. The male dominance perspective wants to put her in a bad light, making her feel guilty because the husband is a good man and says he loves her and will never leave her. This declaration puts the wife into an emotional, moral, and spiritual double bind. On the one hand she is supposed to return the love of a good husband, and on the other hand, she hates the idea of being sexually intimate with him.

 

Women have been impressed with the idea that if a man loves her she is supposed to want to have sex with him. And if she does not feel like it, or does not want to, or cannot bring herself to do,  then she must be a bad woman. This is the male dominance perspective. It lacks affective intimacy. It feels to the woman that she is being turned into a sex slave or a slut or a prostitute. She has lost her freedom as a human being of dignity.

 

As we will see in the following discussions the cause of the wife's aversion to sexual love is the husband's resistance to affective intimacy with her as a context for the sex. To declare his love to her and his lifelong loyalty to the marriage, is a good thing, but it is not affective intimacy. If the wife realized this clearly she would not feel depressed because she will not attribute her sexual aversion for him as being her fault.

 

Take for instance the man's conversational style with her. When husbands continue to put up resistance to affective intimacy, they generally don't get to find out that women intuitively evaluate the man's conversation as either unsexy or sexy.

 

A woman responds with warming inner feelings to her husband or boyfriend when he uses a sexy conversational style with her, but she feels an inner turn off or aversion to him when he uses the unsexy style of interacting with her at the verbal level. The level of his verbal interactions with her with is a direct indication of the level he is interacting with her mentally, whether intimate or not. She feels the warming feelings throughout her chest and hands, since his sexy talk streams out from his sexy thoughts.

 

Men think that having sexy thoughts refers to talking about sex or making sexual references in his conversation with her. This is not at all what's being described here as a sexy conversational style.

 

Rather, a sexy conversational style for the husband or boyfriend refers to whether his thoughts are focused on self, the topic, or the wife. Only when he is focused on the wife as the center are his words and thoughts sexy and personal.

 

What are the contrastive characteristics of sexy vs. unsexy conversational interactions by the husband or boyfriend?

 

Focus on self is the least sexy style for a man. When the husband is activated by the male dominance phase in his mind he doesn't care if the wife finds him sexy or not. It's more important to him that he control his wife so that he can have sex with her when he wants, in the way he wants, and the wife is a secondary consideration to him, or none at all. He is full of himself. His focus is on himself. She is expected to cooperate or be obedient.

 

So he gives himself permission to constantly interrupt the wife when she is talking. He expects her to allow him to interrupt her and not try to finish what she wanted to say. He acts like he is not interested in having her say what she wants to say. He acts like he is annoyed when she says what she wants to say, instead of carefully editing herself, and saying only what he would approve. Through these kinds of daily interactions, the wife's sexual feelings for him are injured, and even eliminated. Instead of sexual attraction and responsiveness, she feels aversion and anger. She cannot just forget how awful he makes her feel when he talks to her in a threatening, impatient, or denigrating tone. And he does this whenever he gives himself permission to do so. His declarations of love sound ironic and hollow to her if he allows himself to treat her bad when he feels like it, when he feels it is justified.

 

One of the symptoms of this killing of the sexual love of the wife for the husband is that husbands in the male dominance phase mentality frequently make jokes or complain about the fact that their wife is not giving them enough sex, or that the wife is not as hot and passionate towards him as she was when they started going out together, or before the second child arrived. The letters from men that Dr. Laura selected in her book often do this kind of complaining, or bad-mouthing, of their wife, and Dr. Laura supports them in this attitude, giving advice to women that they should give their men all the sex the men want, as long as the men have a regular job and aren't having extra marital affairs. However, this kind of advice is unsexy to women. It feels to them like sexual blackmail to which they have to submit, or else they are considered bad wives by their husband and by mental health professionals like Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil who give marital counseling within the traditional male dominance perspective on marriage.

 

Besides constantly interrupting, which shows the absence of the man's focus on the wife of girlfriend, the man will persist in changing the wife's conversational focus in various ways. To the wife, this change of topic focus is felt as unsexy, irritating, frustrating, lonely. She feels alone. There is no cognitive intimacy (C), and yet this is what she wants and needs from a good friend. The man who calls himself her devoted husband, and to whom she is talking, is not acting like a friend but like a stranger. She needs for him to be familiar with the topic focus she wants to maintain in the conversational interaction with him. This is something personal about her that he needs to learn and respect.

 

For instance, suppose the woman, as she gets home, is expressing her conflictual and disturbing feelings and thoughts about her boss and the day's events at work. Or else, he comes home and she is expressing her thoughts and feelings about what happened with the kids. The man can handle this conversation in an intimate, personal and sexy style or in an impersonal, hurtful, unsexy style.

 

He must stop interrupting her or giving advice to solve her problems.

 

Both of these speech acts are disjunctive, unsexy, unfriendly.

 

He needs to understand how the woman he is interacting with actually responds. He needs to consider her actual feelings. He can notice this if he watches her face when he interrupts her or starts solving "her problems." Even if he operates from the male dominance phase, rather than the equity phase, he still is going to interrupt her and change her topic focus from where she wants to go, to where he thinks the topic should go. He retains a focus on the topic from his own perspective, but he does not focus on her and what she wants, and needs. When she talks to her girlfriend she experiences the intimacy, but it is not a sexy intimacy, like it could be with the husband or boyfriend.

 

So conversational intimacy with a husband or boyfriend can be a more satisfying fulfilling experience to a woman than even talking to her best girlfriend or her mother and sister.

 

The husband needs to learn how to give his wife the feeling that he is interested in maintaining her topic focus.

 

He has to show her by his speech acts that he wants to hear what she wants to say to him.

 

He has to want this more than he wants to say something himself "for the sake of the topic or the task" or "for her own sake."  He has to sacrifice and give up his focus on himself (what he thinks should be said). He has to give up his focus on the topic or task (how her problems can be solved). He needs to make himself want to give her the feeling that he wants to hear what she wants to say. He needs to give up the idea that he has the right to make comments on what she brings up, since this is his focus on the topic or task -- male dominance phase.

 

In the sexy conversational interaction style, the husband needs to learn how to give his wife the feeling, over and over again, that he wants to hear what she wants to say. Without hurrying her and acting like he wants the process to be over already, or to go at a faster pace than it is going.

 

But he also needs to do this by being very reactive, rather than subdued and silent or passive.

 

The husband needs to act like he is hot rather than cold to what his wife is saying and implying, directly and indirectly.

 

To act hot is to show emotional reactions or affectivity.

 

Men may sit quietly while their wife is talking to them. She might be doing two or three minutes of talking while her husband looks on blandly, sometimes frozen like a statue, or fidgeting like a puppy. This style of conversation is unsexy. The man needs to allow himself to be activated by his wife's spirit. He must keep his eyes on her face while she is talking. There he will find clues as to how to synchronize his breathing and vocalization to match hers.

 

If she smiles, he smiles. If she frowns, he frowns. If she tells something she finds surprising, the husband is to act surprised -- but he must not interrupt the stream of her verbalization. If she was amazed at something, he now is to be amazed also, and this visibly to her eyes. If she makes a hint of a joke, he is to pick it up and either laugh or show that he got it. This gives her the feeling that he is paying attention to her, hence values her views. This in turn gives her the feeling of self-confidence that her relationship is in a good and healthy place. This allows her to experience inner peace, which she craves for and needs in order to survive as a woman.

 

And then, and only then, can she feel sexually attracted to him from her freedom, from her love, from her feminine sweetness. Lucky and smart is the man who wants to go that far with his woman.

Look at some of these videos on Love and Sex:

http://www.nationalpost.com/loveandsex/video/index.html

Video interviews with Dr. Deborah Tannen. Mother and daughter communication:

http://www.youtube.com/v/sFqwwvvorJ0&rel=1

Review of Dr. Tannen's book: You Just Don't Understand

 http://www.youtube.com/v/nucV2B5hIZg&rel=1

 

16b:  Spiritual Dynamics Between Husband and Wife

It is important for a husband to learn to recognize his wife's verbal humor to make sure he can laugh at those moments. His wife will be noticing whether he laughs at her jokes or innuendoes and can pick up on her humor and wit. It's easy for a husband to make his wife laugh because she has had to learn his brand of humor, which is often related to his family and ethnicity. But a husband is less inclined to learn his wife's sense of humor. As a result, the wife feels that she is kept away at some distance by him, in certain areas of his thinking and intelligence (C). Therefore the husband must try to love (A) his wife's humor like he loves her beauty and style (S). For wife and husband to laugh together, especially in a simultaneous explosion, is an intimate transaction that she finds sexy and agreeable. It is a spiritual togetherness that builds friendship and the desire to conjoin still further.

 

A husband must want to show that he is having a good time being with his wife, whenever and wherever -- that's his job as husband-friend and soul mate.

 

He is to be her sweetheart forever. If a man knows this and loves it, he is a real man, an enlightened man, a wise man, a conjugial husband. He is able to ascend into conjugial love in the third heaven of his mind, where he becomes one with his soul-mate, the wife he married and loved on earth. Swedenborg interviewed many such couples who have known each other for "ages and ages" living in their endless eternity at the top portion of the human potential called the third heaven of rationality in the afterlife.

 

A man resists the idea that his job in life is to give his wife the feeling that nothing else matters more to him than to be with her, to enjoy her, to have her enjoy herself by feeling free, taken care of, protected, cherished by him above all else in the universe. Every husband that Swedenborg talked to in the third heaven was in this kind of love to his wife, called conjugial love .

 

For a woman, the most unsexy thing a husband can do is to disagree with her and to let her become disturbed and angry with him.

 

"Unsexy" means that her feeling of conjunction and intimacy with her husband has been broken and needs fixing. When a man disagrees with his wife or girlfriend, he is breaking intimacy with her.

 

Without intimacy, a woman feels resistance to engaging in sexual interactions. To repair the situation, the man must reverse himself and agree with her. Then he must show regret for upsetting her. After this, their mental intimacy is restored.

 

It's easy for a husband to drive his wife to paroxysms of frustration by his relentless refusal to go along with her on something she wants him to do or to stop doing. He just digs his heels into the carpet and refuses to budge no matter how upset she gets. This is what kills the sex factor of mental intimacy between them.

 

His refusal no matter how upset she gets, is proof to her mind that he does not love her more than he loves himself.

 

She feels that if he truly loved her, he would come to her rescue and not let her sink deeper and deeper into her hell feelings. How can he be so cruel and cold as to stand by and not do anything to help her get out of it?

 

He is keeping her in excruciating hell feelings by continuing to refuse to give up his position and refusing to agree to do what she wants him to do.

 

He just refuses, and she feels that their sex life is dying. Denigrated. Seduced and abandoned. She feels denigrated by the man who swears he loves her. She feels cheapened as a woman. Now he is going to have to work twice as hard to restore their intimacy. It would have been easier for him had he remembered to stop expressing disagreement with her, to just go ahead and do what she wants, what she needs for him to do. This is her life. She wants him to honor her life. If it's important to her, she wants it to be important to him. He must not be affectively independent from her. His feelings should be made to match her feeling. This is unity.

 

Watch this video:  John Gottman: The Magic Relationship Ratio

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Xw9SE315GtA 

 A man must understand this spiritual dynamic of zero tolerance for disagreements between conjugial partners in training.

 

In the enlightened perspective of the unity model, the man sees the woman as desiring to conjoin herself to him. Before this, he saw her as the woman who is constantly on his case, bothering him, do this, don't do that. He hated her insistence that he should see all things her way. He thought of her as pushy, a nag, never satisfied. But now he is shocked that he would think this way about her. He sees her in the effort and passion for him, for conjoining herself to him, mind and body. This is very sexy to a man who leaves his male chauvinism behind.

 

She wants to know where he is every moment of the day and what he is doing -- not because she is jealous or controlling, but because she is conjoining herself to him, to his life. Her threefold self to his, her thinking to his thinking, her willing to his willing.

 

When he disagrees with her or thinks that she is being controlling, she is defeated and devastated. He is showing her that he doesn't mind breaking intimacy, that his feelings are more important to him than hers. She feels attacked, neutralized in the game of hearts. Her life of love and sex is ending within her. Quick!  He must come to her rescue and save their intimacy, their sexual passion for eternity, their conjugial love and unity as bosom friends and lovers forever.

 

He must win her broken heart back and treat it gently so she can recapture her trust, her confidence, and her feeling of love for him that he so carelessly shattered by neglecting her, embarrassing her, refusing her, disagreeing with her, accusing her, complaining to her, scolding her, showing anger at her.

 

If he sees this dynamic and understands it rationally, it is his enlightenment. He is lucky. The worse is now over. What remains is to practice the new sexy way of interacting with his wife. He instantly discovers that he likes it, loves it. His enlightenment grows as he for the first time begins to understand what is woman.

 

Swedenborg explains that God created the universe for the purpose of conjugial couples living in the heaven of eternity. Conjugial love is the attainment of unity between husband and wife in the eternity of their heaven. This endless and constantly increasing happiness and bliss between wife and husband, is the supreme love and the highest good from which all other loves in the human race are derived from. In other words, all human potential is derived from the unity relationship between wife and husband. This is the purpose for which God created the universe, and all things in the universe exist to serve conjugial love.

 

The unity couple make a single conjoint self. What the husband thinks is always agreeable to the wife. His agreeableness comes from his affective organ operating in a heavenly order, that is, in the order of his heaven, or highest potential. By refusing to disagree with his wife in his own mind, he had made his heaven to be in the order of his wife's heaven. His heart is connected, not to his own lungs, but to hers. His heart can no longer function without her respiration. His blood, or what he loves more than anything, is purified by her lungs, or what she thinks he should be doing about this or about that all day long every day. He loves what she thinks, so he does what she loves. He is content and in peace. He loves what she thinks more than what he thinks -- that's what it means that he wants to arrange his heaven in the order of her heaven.

 

God has created a conjugial heaven in the wife's mind. This is something every woman has from birth. Now the husband can become an integral part of this conjugial heaven by conjoining himself to his wife in a unity relationship. He can do this, if he wants to, by learning to love to do what his wife tells him to do, more than he loves to do what he chooses by himself or from himself. Through this method he forges for himself a mental heaven that is in the same order as his wife's conjugial heaven, so that the two may be one life in one heaven. This conjugial heaven where they can both exist together is called the conjoint self.

 

Learning a sexy conjugial conversation style with the wife is therefore the husband's first big task. It is more important than all his hobbies and guy friends put together. More important even than advancement in his career and financial growth.

 

How a husband talks to his wife is the single most important determiner of how satisfying and healthy the couple's sex life is.

 

This is because an unsexy conversational style inhibits and freezes over a wife's feelings of warmth in the chest and hands. When her sexuality is frozen above the waist (due to lack of mental intimacy) (C, A), the wife also senses a coldness below the waist (feels aversion to having sex) (S). In contrast, the husband can sense a cold in his chest above the waist, like feeling annoyance or anger against her (A), yet he still wants to use her by having sex with her, and he can enjoy it and be content with it.  But not the wife. She does not want to have sex with him after he turned her into an icicle inside by the unsexy and offensive way he talks to her on a daily or regular basis.

 

She has to spend immense mental and emotional energy fighting to resist sexual blackmail imposed on her by the husband, the marriage counselors, and social expectations of a male dominated society .

 

The husband must at all cost avoid sexual blackmail in his conversations with the wife.

 

Since every husband expects his wife to have sex with him on a regular basis, he is living the life of a sexual blackmailer if he uses an unsexy conversational style that she finds abusive and denigrating.

 

We men all start our marriage relationship that way, and it is to the credit of our wife that she is able to forgive our abusive verbal treatments, laying their feelings aside, tucking them away in a fold somewhere in their mental world, so that they can continue to love their man sexually. But this hurts the women deeply, and they cannot keep this up endlessly.

 

Hence, the man is putting their future unity into jeopardy. Many men blow their chance at life in eternity with their wife. Swedenborg reports that after resuscitation, every woman meets her soul-mate, recognizes him from within herself, then conjoins herself to him from within, and the two as one, now enter together their joint heaven in eternity. This soul mate is her husband from earth, if he has learned to talk to her like a conjugial husband. But it is another man, if her husband has failed to learn to treat her with dignity when talking to her.

 

The first and most basic dignity, from which all other dignities follow, is the dignity of being talked to in a friendly and loving style.

 

And yet, there are few men who know how not to abuse their woman by the way they talk, stand, or gesture. For instance, suppose the wife talks to her husband, trying to get his attention and focus. The husband's response frequently is to resist her efforts or defeat her efforts in various ways that he acts. He may be looking at the TV screen while she is talking. Or holding the director in his hand, to give her the message he wants her to stop talking already. Or continuing to work at his computer, or on his bike, or whatever. Or not turning the volume of the music down so she has to shout. Or continuing to eat as if he was alone, instead of being in a conversation with her. Or giving her mean looks. Or giving her cold looks. Or being non-reactive, silent, cold, when she needs for him to be reactive, passionate, agreeable, supportive, pulling where she is pulling. He is being unsexy when he could be sexy.

If he commits himself to the unity model by weakening in his mind the equity and dominance phases, he then puts himself in a position of being able to find out what woman is, and thereby be enlightened to attain his highest potential, love, and true masculine humanity.

A man's perspective on women's use of words:

Also:   Watch this video:  http://video.ivillage.com/player/?id=179060#videoid=194042


 

EXERCISE 16a.1

1) Define sexy vs. unsexy conversational style of men with their partners. Focus on how the woman reacts as the definition for the two styles. Explain. Describe it to your partner and friends. Is there a difference in the reactions of men vs. women? What is your conclusion?

2) Watch these five videos on marriage. Contrast the point of view they promote or display. Relate them to the ennead chart of the three phases of the threefold self of married partners. Find some more such contrasts on YouTube videos about Love and Marriage. Discuss these with your partner and friends. What are your conclusions?

Video 1    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWSQ7sYFFFE&eurl

Video 2    http://www.youtube.com/v/JnOCniCsWuk&rel=1

Video 3    http://www.youtube.com/v/KyQtitfozIo&rel=1

Video 4    http://www.youtube.com/v/6_fux2_-T0Y&rel=1

Video 5    http://www.youtube.com/v/TUaKHWaejtk&rel=1


EXERCISE 16b.1

 

Analyze the conversational exchange from this video using ideas you obtained from this section and related sections. Discuss it with your partner and friends. Summarize what you have learned from this type of analysis.

You can supplement your analysis with other clips on this movie at YouTube (see Related Videos).


 

16c:  Conversational Rules for Husbands in Conjugial Interactions

 

The first rule of conjugial conversation he can follow is to be reactive and friendly whenever his wife is talking to him, as discussed above. This he is able to do, and probably has done it during the time he was dating her and trying to convince her that he is a good man for her. But then he stopped. So now he has to start again. Pretend you are on a permanent date with the woman you are after, and this woman will want to be your date or your wife. A man can do this. All he needs is to want to do it. And this means to make himself want to do it, because at first, he doesn't like it. He doesn't like the idea that he has to be nice to her, or else. But he can convince himself of it, if he reflects on and understands the unity model of marriage.

 

The second rule of conjugial conversation he can follow is to deny himself the right to express disagreement with her. He has to deny himself the right to say No to something she wants him to do. He already knows how to do that with his supervisor at work, but he refuses to do that with his wife. She is asking him to change something, but he insists on keeping it the way it is even though he can see that she wants it changed. This refusal is unfriendly, hostile, and abusive. Definitely unsexy. At first, men might think that this is a terrible way of living in your own home. And yet he expects his wife not to say No when he tells her that he wants something changed. This shows that he is following the lopsided male dominance model in his own mind.

 

The third rule of conjugial conversation he can follow is create a conversational atmosphere in which his wife feels unoppressed, free, and safe because he shows that he cherishes everything about her. She is not afraid to talk intensely about what she wants him to do, and instantly jump to another topic that's on her mind, then go back to the first topic and continue telling him some more about what she wants him to do. Meanwhile he is getting hot under his tee shirt, perspiration forming on his forehead and in his armpit, as he is experiencing the heat of the passion to shut her up, to reassert himself as a man, to respond to her constant invasive instructions by snarling, snapping, and growling at her. This is the moment of freedom and potential liberation for him. This is when he can conquer in battle with his demon self, defeat himself, put himself under her will power, and become obedient, a supporter and friend of her wishes and wants. If he wills himself to conquer, he instantly becomes enlightened and wise. The anticipated torture in his mind of becoming a slave to her, does not materialize in reality. Instead he feels liberated, wise, content, in true control of himself.

 

The fourth rule of conjugial conversation he can follow is to use the conversation as a method of enhancing her mood, of making her feel young in heart and stimulated in mind. A wife conjoins herself to her husband's wisdom and truth and rationality, but not to his idiocy, irrationality, and falsities he may believe. To conjoin herself to his wisdom and rationality and intelligence means that she loves how he thinks when he thinks that way. Conversation is an expression of how we think. Hence the husband's wisdom and rationality must be behind what he says to her at any time. When he focuses on his wife with his masculine intelligence, he appears to her wise and sexy. When he focuses on himself, the task, or the topic (as in the male dominance and equity phases), he appears to her foolish and unsexy her. The first of wisdom for the husband is to value what his wife says to him. To value it means to give it priority over what he says to himself.

 

Of course she wants him to tell her what he thinks about something, or how to proceed in some situation. She values what he thinks when he is in an intelligent and rational mood. She depends on him. She wants to depend on his masculine intelligence. She likes that. It's part of conjugial unity. But she doesn't want him to oppose her when he is telling her what he thinks about something she says. He must find a friendly and respectful way of expressing what he thinks. He can learn how to do this. She is giving him plenty of chances and opportunities to become better at it, by how patient and forgiving she is of all his mistakes and abuses. But he must give her the feeling that he is trying hard, that it is more important to him than other things in his life. Then she can continue to be patient and forgive him over and over again, being full of the hope that he will change, that he is changing, that he really wants to change. She now stakes her entire life and happiness on this hope.


 

EXERCISE 16c.1

1) Explain what are the four rules of conjugial conversation. Focus on what the woman wants and what the man needs to do to give it to her. Discuss it with your friends. Are they willing to go along with this perspective? What are your conclusions?

 

2) Analyze what is portrayed in the following video between a boy and a girl who have a date appointment. What does it show about the difference between an adolescent boy and girl? Give specific examples of what you see in the video. Discuss it with your partner and friends. What are their views? What does the discussion reveal to you about the difference between men and women in relationships?

 

http://www.youtube.com/v/0aghvnK5Mgk&rel=1


16d:  Characteristics of Husband's Threefold Self During Discourse

 

Now, having studied what was discussed above, consider Table 18d.1 below on the characteristics of the husband's discourse.

 

Keep in mind that when we talk, the threefold self of the person is always involved. The words we speak, the tone of voice, the gestures -- are the external sensorimotor effects (S) of what we are thinking (C) and feeling or intending (A) on the inside. The cognitive self (C) is doing all the thinking. But it is the affective self (A) that motivates and directs what we are thinking, and hence, what we are saying (S). So when you read the chart, think about how the husband's affective self (A) controls the cognitive self (C), and the two together, control the sensorimotor self that is doing the talking and gesturing (S) through the physical body.

 

This is Table 16d.1
Characteristics of Husband's Discourse
(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

 

MODEL HE USES
TO GOVERN INTERACTIONS
WITH HIS WIFE

THREEFOLD SELF OF HUSBAND

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

3

UNITY
PHASE
focus on his wife

** tries to never talk in an unfriendly tone
** doesn't interrupt her
** always appears interested, involved, animated and supportive of her

** thinks that his masculine views don't matter as much as his wife's views (which include his), since he is trying to adopt her feminine views for the sake of unity in eternity. Recall that the wife's views are influenced by the husband's views to begin with.

** loves to learn how to make his wife more central in his mind than himself
** loves mental intimacy with her as woman, thus does not put up resistance to affective intmacy

2

EQUITY
PHASE

focus on topic
or task

** talks like he is always out to defend his views,  rights, or conveniences
** exaggerates and lies to control her
** calls her bad names and criticizes her when he is mad

** thinks that her views are not as relevant to the specific situation
** considers his views fair and rational
** hides his feelings to control her

** loves to retain for himself some areas of independence
** insists on it and fiercely resists no matter what, thereby making his wife suffer tortures

1

MALE DOMINANCE
 PHASE

focus on himself

** interrupts her
** calls her denigrating names
** uses harsh tones
** uses gestures and his body to intimidate her or to punish her

** thinks that women are less intelligent than men
** dismisses her views when it suits him

** loves to dominate her more than to be intimate with her
** prefers the company of men to women

 

Try to memorize the chart. It will help you learn this new technique of using the ennead chart (9 zones) of the threefold self so you can make objective and useful observations about the three levels of marriage interactions of people you are observing.

 

Watch this video:   http://video.ivillage.com/player/?id=179060#videoid=196628

 

What the wife is hearing and experiencing from her husband through their overt interactions are the things listed in the sensorimotor column (S). This is what reverberates in her threefold self, her sensations (S), thoughts (C), and feelings or emotions (A). From her sensations, the wife can recognize what the husband is thinking and feeling.

 

If she regularly has the sensation (S) of being interrupted by him before she can fully express herself (S), or she feels physically intimidated or scared of him (male dominance phase), then she knows (C) that he thinks (C) of her as less intelligent, or that he thinks (C) her views on the matter are to be dismissed (S). And then she also knows (C) that he loves (A) to dominate her more than he loves (A) to actually be intimate with her in a mental and personal way (C, A).

 

If the wife observes that her husband talks like the main thing for him is to defend his views or rights, then she knows that he thinks his views should rule her mind because his views are "fair and rational" (he thinks) while hers are "biased and feminine" (he thinks). And from this she then knows that he loves to put her views aside, or below his, which means to her that he is not committed to her fully and absolutely, and that he wants and intends to retain for himself areas or zones of independence in his mind and personality.

 

On the other hand, if the wife experiences her husband's talking as pleasant, agreeable, gallant, considerate of her feminine status and position, then her consciousness enters a conjugial sphere of heavenly peace, which she can almost smell in the fragrance of the air around her, in which she sees her husband talking to her with such attention, care, and gladness of spirit and heart.

 

She also has a sensation (S) of this in her chest and hands, by which she senses the exciting warmth of sexual feelings, spreading from there throughout her body, if conditions allow. And from all this heavenly zone around her, she knows that her husband thinks that her views matter to him more than his own, and from this she knows that he wants to form a conjoint self with her. This is the ultimate happiness and peace she wants, and can feel, under earthly circumstances.

 

Sexual love in the dominance and equity phases normally begin below the belt and move upward into the chest. But tin the unity phase sexual love is turned into conjugial love and this begins in the chest and only then moves down below the belt.


EXERCISE 16d.1

 

1) Use the ennead chart of marriage to characterize the discourse of husbands with their wives. Give illustrations from the lecture notes as well as some from your own observations. Discuss with your friends the conversational dynamics of men and women in specific movies you're familiar with. What is the relationship between conversation style and mental intimacy?

 

2) Read the advice given in the article linked below regarding gender communication in the work place. Assess their advice in terms of the unity model's distinction between conjunctive-disjunctive:
www.exe-coach.com/CrossGenderCommunication.html

 


 

EXERCISE 16d.2

Analyze the mentality from which this dating advice is given to men. Discuss what they call "myths" with your partner and friends. What views are you getting from them? What is your reaction?


 

16e:  Field Activity:  Monitoring Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Discourse

 

After studying and understanding Table 16d.1 above, you can use it to make a list of your own observations of gender discourse. If you are a man, you need to observe your discourse during interactions with your wife or girlfriend. If you are a woman, you need to to observe your boyfriend's or husband's discourse with you. If you prefer instead, you can observe the discourse interactions of a couple you are familiar with. An additional variation is to observe the discourse interactions between couples in novels, movies, TV, song lyrics, and the other media.

 

You can write down short snippets of an exchange after it happened as best you can remember. Some of these snippets or replies may occur frequently so that you can almost predict what they will be. Each verbal snippet can be analyzed to show that it is either a disjunctive exchange or a conjunctive exchange. Longer snippets or conversational interactions should be recorded and transcribed since you cannot rely on memory.

 

Each verbal snippet or longer conversational exchange needs to be analyzed using the threefold self as defined throughout the Tables in these Lecture Notes. In other words, you can use the ennead matrix of the threefold self within the three marriage phases, as a template to analyze or locate the characteristics of the verbal exchange.

 

Here are examples of disjunctive replies of husbands and boyfriends

 

1) Negation, Denial, Refusal

 

These are disjunctive replies. They happen very frequently in the dominance and equity phases, but only sometimes with the unity model, at the beginning before the husband is able to control himself fully.

 

If you are a woman and are analyzing the exchanges with your partner, you can add how his disjunctive replies make you feel, what your reactions and thoughts are. Wives and girlfriends have an immense capacity to take abuse from their partner. They are willing to put up with this negativity in their partner because they have hope that he will eventually change his model of interacting with her. She is looking forward to his awakening and enlightenment when he will want to treat her nicely and with male decency.

 

Here are the equivalent examples of conjunctive replies of husbands and boyfriends:

These are conjunctive replies. They happen once in a while with the dominance and equity models, but not enough to make the woman's life much easier on the whole. But when the husband is governing his interactions from his understanding of the unity model, he compels himself to inhibit disjunctive replies to his wife, and to give her conjunctive replies.

 

Disjunctive replies are unsexy, while conjunctive replies maintain a romantic tension between husband and wife that is delightful to both of them.

 

God is maintaining the wife's mind to fit conjunctively with the husband's mind, and the husband's mind to fit conjunctively with the wife's mind. In this conjunctive mind (or conjoint self), the couple becomes one merged individual. Swedenborg presents much evidence from his observations of couples in heavenly eternity, that shows how the conjunctive self of a couple in conjugial unity, is incredibly superior and empowering. The wife feels completed and endlessly loved. The husband feels expanded and endlessly enthusiastic.

 

Watch this video:   http://video.ivillage.com/player/?id=179060#videoid=191617

 

2) Disloyalty, Secrecy, Lies

These are disjunctive conversational acts performed by the husband. They happen very frequently in the dominance and equity phases, but only sometimes with the unity model, at the beginning before the husband is able to control himself fully.

 

The equivalent conjunctive acts would be these:

These are conjunctive moves the husband makes towards his wife. It is his will and desire (A) to become mentally intimate with her, to share minds with this one woman. He can easily see from this enlightened perspective that if he deceives her, or keeps what he thinks from her, he cannot be fully united to her in eternity because that kind of uniting must be total mental unity.

 

It works differently for the wife. She carries secrets in her heart that she may not want to share with her husband. These secrets are not lies and deceptions, like it is for husbands when they keep secrets. The wife's secrets are spiritual secrets, not physical and social secrets, like the secrets of the husband. His secrets are disjunctive because the purpose of keeping things from his wife is so that he can get away with doing disjunctive things that oppose unity. But the secrets of the wife that are spiritual are for conjunctive reasons. She is afraid that if she told him what she knows about their unity or lack of it, he wouldn't be able to handle it in a right way, and his reaction would be deeply disjunctive. So in her zeal to protect their potential conjugial unity, the wife keeps spiritual secrets from her husband.

 

Swedenborg was once interviewing a group of wives in one of the heavens of their eternity. They told him they did not want Swedenborg to write down and reveal to the public on earth, certain of these spiritual secrets that wives knew about their husbands, and which they had just discussed with him in the interviews. They told him that if husbands knew of these spiritual secrets of their wives, they would turn cold towards them, first mentally, then sexually, and this would be the end of their happiness in the marriage. But Swedenborg answered that he had no choice but to report accurately all that he was able to observe in the spiritual world of mental eternity.

 

What are these spiritual secrets?

 

Swedenborg describes them as a special womanly perception in the interior mind that God gives the wife about her husband's unconscious or subconscious affections, desires, proclivities, inner make up. In my own experience as a husband who is striving to govern my actions through the principles of the unity model, I found that my wife's extrasensory perception of my unconscious or subconscious affections, have always been correct in the long run. A wife can share more and more of these secrets as her husband progresses and practices with the unity model in his mind. It requires that I give more credence to what she says about me, than what I say to myself about me. This was a huge battle in my mind for many years.

 

At first I flatly rejected such an idea, while I lived the dominance and equity phases in my mind. My philosophy of justification was that we are all individual human beings and we each have the right to be who we are, etc. She was to be responsible for herself and her emotions and coping, and I was to be responsible for mine. We can help each other of course, since we love one another, but we cannot invade or occupy each other's respective mental zones or territory, so I thought. But eventually I started adopting the unity model as I began studying the Writings of Swedenborg in 1981, at the age of 43, as I was starting my second marriage with my new wife. This required me to trust my wife's thinking and judgment as much as I trusted my own, and eventually, more than I trusted my own.

 

This is the right thing to do because the wife has intuitions and perceptions from God about the husband that he himself does not have. Through creating and managing this difference in the mind of the couple, God is trying to bring the husband and wife together into a unity that will continue into their endless conjugial eternity . The husband must give up relying on himself independently of his wife, for any single decision he makes or idea he has about himself and his wife. By accepting and loving this reliance and dependence on his wife, the husband makes it possible for the couple to become a conjoint mind or self. This is what the wife has been patiently and hopefully waiting for. Now she can be fulfilled as a woman, and he can be fulfilled as a true man.

 

3) Abusiveness, Swearing, Yelling

These are disjunctive conversational acts performed by the husband against his wife. They happen very frequently in the relationship of the married partners, until the husband is enlightened and becomes willing to start being governed by the principles of the unity model.

 

4) After Disturbing His Wife, Not Making Up Adequately Enough

 

These are disjunctive acts that hurt the future unity of the couple, now and in eternity. In my own experience, I have had to learn in middle age that the thread or mesh that holds my wife and me together, is an actual thread made of spiritual or mental substances . When this thread or mesh work is injured by the husband's disjunctive act, the wife feels it on the surface of her life, making her miserable and anxious. But the husband is able to push it away outside of his focus, thus hardly becoming aware of it, and not paying any attention to what he could be aware of. In my case I had to compel myself to pay attention to her emotional distress caused by my disjunctive act. I had to repent and repair the damage. She can sense it when I repent vs. when I just go through the motions. I had to compel myself to perform the conjunctive acts that repaired the injured thread in my wife's affective organ.

 

This required that I humble myself, which took a long time for me to accept and be willing to do it.

 

The conjunctive model would be:

These are conjunctive acts of repair. The husband or boyfriend lover has to teach himself that when a woman gives herself physically and sexually, she does it either in freedom or under pressure. If she has sexual activity with him under pressure, then there is no internal conjunction between her and the man. It is merely an outward act that may hurt her physically and socially, but not mentally and spiritually. But when she gives herself freely, without pressure and without being motivated by some ulterior motive or plan, then she forms thereby an inner relationship and tie, an inner conjunction that is localized in the mental threads that unite their minds and mental organs.

 

A frequent way that a man hurts these conjugial threads, is by not making up adequately for his disjunctive acts. What is adequate is determined solely by her and he must find out what it is.

 

It is extremely difficult for a man to believe that he can be incredibly happier and more masculine if he puts his wife ahead of every thing else in the universe. Yet it is true.

 

Even God is to be served by a man through his wife, not apart from his wife, according to the unity model of thinking.

 

This is obviously true when you recall that God made conjugial love between husband and wife the highest love in all creation, which means, that everything else you can name, is not for its own sake, but for the sake of contributing to conjugial love in the human race. This is God's wish, plan, and created reality. We know this from revelation in Sacred Scripture.

 

For the husband to serve God through his wife is to honor God's highest purpose for creating him.

 

But this is only true from the perspective of the unity model which is based on conjugial togetherness in eternity, as observed and confirmed by Swedenborg. This issue is a controversial one in religious thinking but it deserves to be examined independently and scientifically, as is done in theistic psychology.

 

For more on this subject, you can read Volume 1 of Theistic Psychology which discusses in detail the positive and negative bias in science in relation to the Swedenborg Reports:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic/

 

Watch this video. It discusses more aspects of communication and conversational style between couples:

 

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3173881615196062057&q=couples+therapy+site%3Avideo.google.com&total=352&start=0&num=100&so=0&type=search&plindex=60

 


 

EXERCISE 16e.1

 

1) Explain the difference between disjunctive and conjunctive replies a man gives to a woman during conversational interaction.  Give several specific illustrations of various types of replies. Discuss it with friends. What difficulty are they having in understanding the difference? What is your conclusion?

2) Observe the discourse of two or three men you talk to as friends or at work. What do you notice in terms of patterns relating to conjunctive and disjunctive replies. Compare the results with two or three women friends you communicate with. What are your conclusions?

3) Analyze the conversational portrayal in this video between husband and wife. Identify the conjunctive and disjunctive interactions. Is this kind of exchange usual in your experience? Discuss it with your partner and friends. What is your reaction to their observations?


 

17.  Happiness and Unhappiness on the Ennead Chart

 

Now let's use Table 19.1 below to help us identify various concepts in marriage. Let's start with happiness, since this is a critical part of marriage. I entered one specification of being happy in each phase. Whenever we operate within that phase, what makes us happy is specified in ALL CAPS in each zone.

 

This is Table 17.1 -- Happiness
(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

UNITY
PHASE
focus on partner

zone 7
sensorimotor
unity (SU)

altruistic
 sensations
-----
PLEASURING THE PARTNER

zone 8

cognitive
unity (CU)

altruistic
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEY ARE EACH OTHER'S MORE AND MORE

zone 9
affective
unity (AU)

altruistic
feelings

-----
STRIVING TO ALIGN SELF WITH PARTNER'S PREFERENCES

EQUITY
PHASE
focus on intellect

zone 4
sensorimotor
equity (SE)

intellectualized
sensations
-----
GIVING AND RECEIVING PLEASURE IN EQUAL AMOUNT

zone 5
cognitive
equity (CE)

intellectualized
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEY EACH MUST RESPECT WHAT THE OTHER WANTS

zone 6
affective
equity (AE)

intellectualized feelings
-----
STRIVING TO JUSTIFY ONESELF TO THE PARTNER

MALE DOMINANCE
 PHASE

focus on self

zone 1
sensorimotor
dominance (SD)

 self-centered
sensations
--------
INSISTING ON BEING PLEASURED BY THE WIFE

zone 2
cognitive

dominance (CD)

self-centered
thoughts
----------
THINKING WHETHER SHE IS COMPLIANT IN ALL WAYS

zone 3
affective
dominance (AD)

self-centered
 feelings
-----------
STRIVING TO MAINTAIN DOMINANCE OVER HER

 

After you processed the meaning of each zone and its example (in ALL CAPS), focus on each portion of the threefold self by looking at the table up and down within each column.

 

For instance, in the sensorimotor areas (zones 1, 4, 7) I give examples relating to physical intimacy. When husbands try to behave according to the dominance phase, their sensorimotor happiness depends on the expression of self-centered sensations like "being pleasured by the partner." This is another expression of the underlying phase: sensorimotor dominance (zone 1).

 

When husbands try to behave according to the equity phase, their sensorimotor happiness is different. It now depends on more intellectualized sensations motivated by their equity phase (zone 4). Their focus is intellectualized upon equity in everything in the relationship. It is an "economic" focus and involvement, and comes out as a concern for equal pleasure. They want it to be balanced so that neither gives more than they receive (sensorimotor equity, zone 4).

 

When husbands try to behave according to the unity model, their sensorimotor happiness is still different. It now depends on more altruistic sensations motivated by their unity model (zone 7). Their focus is upon unity in everything in the relationship. It is an "altruistic" focus and involvement, and comes out as a concern for the partner's pleasure. The focus on one's own pleasure (zone 1) and the focus on the equal amounts of pleasure (zone 4) now changes to a focus on the partner's pleasure (zone 7). One's own pleasure may be there but only as an indirect result of succeeding in giving pleasure to the partner.

 

After you processes the sensorimotor column, move to the cognitive column.

 

For husbands choosing to behave according to the dominance phase, "thinking that the partner is compliant in all ways" (zone 2), is necessary for their happiness. If they notice any hesitation or refusal in the compliance of the wife,  they immediately begin to exert their pressure and power to make the wife obedient. Husbands have different styles and methods for doing this, some using violence, some persuasive strategies, some relationship blackmail (e.g., holding back, pouting, and staying away), etc.

 

But when they move deeper in the relationship to the equity phase, husbands "think that they each must respect the other's point of view" (zone 6). This intellectualized economy governs their relationship in all its details. To be happy, husbands operating with the equity phase must think that they each respect the other's point of view. Often this interpretation is delusional. When the wife wants to influence the husband in a decision, he reacts by saying that she is not respecting his point of view. Clearly this is not adaptive to a close relationship. The wife has to be able to express her true feelings without her husband accusing her of not respecting his point of view.

 

When husbands are willing to finally move into a closer relationship, their cognitive unity is their happiness, that is, "thinking that they are each other's more and more" (zone 8). The husband is alert and looks for any sign that his wife thinks differently than he does on some issue. He then explores it with her, being motivated to eliminate ideas in his mind that are not compatible with cognitive unity between them (zone 8).

 

Finally look up and down the third column.

 

Husbands choosing to operate according to the dominance phase will strive to "maintain primacy over the partner" and must see himself succeeding if he is going to be happy (zone 3). This is an expression of his self-centered feelings that are motivated by his affective dominance and the satisfaction it gives him to achieve it and maintain it, even increase it as he gets older.

 

Husbands choosing to operate according to the equity phase will constantly be involved in justifying themselves to the partner" (zone 6). This is an expression of their intellectualized feelings that come from a focus on affective equity. This is non-adaptive to achieving a deeper relationship because the husband's economic focus on equity keeps the wife out of his heart. His focus on equity in feelings is a strategy to maintain his affective independence.

 

The wife doesn't want him to see himself as independent in his feelings, hence independent of her. This threatens her influence on him, by which she strives to conjoin him to herself. By insisting on affective independence through equity considerations, the husband remains cold in his heart towards the wife. He has removed any power she may have over him. Without this affective influence by the wife on the husband's feelings and motivations, the husband cannot achieve a deeper relationship with her.

 

On the other hand, husbands who choose to move forward and behave according to the unity model, are happiest when they succeed in aligning every single feeling and affection they have with the wife's feelings and affections (zone 9). To "align" means to "make it agree with" by eliminating anything that does not agree. This is the maximum closeness that they can achieve together. Once this affective unity defines the marriage relationship, the partners can grow spiritually into a celestial couple that can live in conjugial love to eternity.

 

Watch this video and compare the views of men and women:  http://video.ivillage.com/player/?id=0#videoid=164547

 

What would the previous Table above look like for "unhappiness"?

 

This is Table 17.2 -- Unhappiness

 (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

PHASE THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR

COGNITIVE

AFFECTIVE

UNITY
PHASE

focus on partner

zone 7
sensorimotor
unity (SU)

altruistic
 sensations
-----
NOT BEING INVOLVED IN PLEASURING THE PARTNER

zone 8

cognitive
unity (CU)

altruistic
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEY ARE NOT PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER 

zone 9
affective
unity (AU)

altruistic
feelings
-----
SEEING THE PARTNER AS  INDIFFERENT OR INDEPENDENT 

EQUITY
PHASE

focus on intellect

zone 4
sensorimotor
equity (SE)

intellectualized
sensations
-----
NOT RECEIVING BACK AS MUCH AS ONE GAVE TO THE OTHER

zone 5
cognitive
equity (CE)

intellectualized
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THE PARTNER IS GETTING AWAY WITH NOT DOING THEIR SHARE

zone 6
affective
equity (AE)

intellectualized feelings
-----
FEELING COMPETITIVE AND ARGUING WITHOUT RESOLUTION 

MALE DOMINANCE
 PHASE

focus on self

zone 1
sensorimotor
dominance (SD)

 self-centered
sensations
----------
HAVING TO PLEASURE THE WIFE

zone 2
cognitive

dominance (CD)

self-centered
thoughts
------------
THINKING THAT SHE IS REBELLING AND REFUSING TO BE SUBMISSIVE

zone 3
affective
dominance (AD)

self-centered
 feelings
-------------
INTIMIDATING OR DOMINATING THE WIFE

 

Now practice applying tables 17.1 and 17.2 to other important traits in being married: feeling separated, feeling close, being satisfied, being respected, being disrespected, getting along, going through a difficult period, etc.


 

 

EXERCISE 17.1

 

Discuss what these two article say and how that relates to the three phases of marriage in the unity model.

From:   ReligionAndSpirituality.com  at: http://www.religionandspirituality.com/relation_sexuality/view.php?StoryID=20071119-054526-9814r

Just because two people are having sex,
it does not mean that they are experiencing union

Does sex equal intimacy?

Column: Married Sex

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky

November 19, 2007

 

(...)
I think that one of the problems people have is that sex is equated with intimacy, love and filling emotional need or enhancing self-esteem. Sex can be the most intimate act in which two people engage, or it can be the most divisive. Just because two people are having sex, it does not mean that they are experiencing union. There are too many jokes about women lying back and thinking about what to cook for dinner or men actively fantasizing about Angelina Jolie. Everyone also knows that love is not necessarily a prerequisite for sex. Sexual attraction does not equal love. And as far as filling emotional need or enhancing self-esteem, the flood of ecstasy that sex provides is like a temporary drug high. As with all highs, the effects soon wear off.

(...)

 

What is real intimacy? Does sex equal real intimacy?

(...)

Other levels of relationship are partnership, caring, concern, companionship, meal planning, being best friends, playing an active part in helping someone else grow, raising kids, planning, scheming, loving life and on and on.

Real intimacy is cutting your spouse's toenails when he or she is just home from the hospital. It's putting a Band-Aid on a cut that's in a hard-to-reach place. Real intimacy is telling your spouse that you don't like it when he or she is being sarcastic toward you. It's also talking about politics and your hopes and fears about the future. Real intimacy is sharing your thoughts about the latest Robert Parker novel. It's critiquing your husband's artwork or his editing your essays. Intimacy is holding hands, hugging, kissing, laughing and telling jokes. Intimacy is presence. It's being here now, fully focused on Being with your spouse this moment.
(...)

Of course, when sex is accompanied by intimacy, the ecstasy stops time. It's union with God. Couples in long-term relationships need to take time to have sex. They need to relish one another physically. Taking time for sex is part of a "relax/refresh/renew" lifestyle that leads to all-over health and well-being. But sex alone does not create intimacy, and just because bodies are joined, it doesn't mean that hearts and souls are joined. Building intimacy in a relationship takes the same qualities that are needed in building character: trust, faith, and patience and honesty. An intimate relationship makes for great sex, not the other way around.

The above is from:   ReligionAndSpirituality.com  at: http://www.religionandspirituality.com/relation_sexuality/view.php?StoryID=20071119-054526-9814r


 

From: Reader Blogs at http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/beastmom/archives/128557.asp?from=blog_last3

Reflections On The First Decade Of Marriage

I read a marriage book with my husband several years ago. The book is called, "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. This is the BEST book on marriage I've ever read. Both husbands and wives can learn from this book. This book was life-changing for me. I can't speak for my husband, but as a wife, I will tell you what I learned from it...

The first thing I learned from this book is that my ideas on conflict resolution were wrong. I believed (ideally) that every conflict is resolvable. This is untrue. Some conflicts are not resolvable; they are perpetual and crop up over and over again.

Related to this first thing is that I learned that it's OK that some conflicts are not resolved, that it's actually more important to recognize this reality during conflict and be able to diffuse it as a result. The AFTERMATH of unresolvable conflicts is more important than doggedly trying to solve it (impossible). To be able to say, "This is unresolvable" and to emotionally move towards one another anyway is key.

Also related to this issue is that I could finally and confidently debunk the myth that we married people can solve all conflicts if we only "improve communication skills". I've thought for a while that was incorrect and futile. Most of us do NOT need better communication skills. We're quite adequate. My husband is a very talented verbal communicator. My strength is in writing, and I can hold my own in conversation just fine. We both communicate at sufficient levels. But we still had conflict. I was sick of reading about "communication skills" in marriage books. (I think those sorts of marriage books turn off men in particular.) This Gottman book sent us both a completely different direction. What was that direction? It was towards DREAMS.

This part of what I learned is SO signficant... When I read this book with my husband, I'd been married almost 10 years. I assumed I knew what was most important to my husband. By reading this book, however, and doing a few of the exercises, I came to realize I DID NOT KNOW HIS DREAMS. This was shocking to me. We did one of the exercises where we each privately listed our personal dreams in order of what was most important. And then we each wrote a list for the other person. I was off in my "guess" list regarding my husband's dreams. I was off in both content and order. I got pieces and parts right, but overall, I was quite surprised when he honestly revealed what was most important to him.

This new knowledge has deeply affected my actions since. I may not have the exact same dreams as him, but I can better support his dreams anyway. The book talks about various ways to support your spouse's dreams. This includes things like engaging emotionally and resourcing the other person's dreams (financially and otherwise). I know I used to sometimes throw a wet rag on dreams my husband presented to me. He might mention a wish of his and I'd immediately respond with how that can't work or how we don't have money for it. Or I might not even engage in the conversation in the first place, looking disinterested, drained, or even scowly. (Of course sometimes our dreams directly opposed one another, resulting in my negative reaction. And sometimes for him to get one of his dreams into action meant one of mine would be majorly thwarted. Hence conflict.)

For my husband I've learned that it's not that he's insisting that every single one of his wishes comes true, but that I just dream with him to start, and that we consider together if it's possible to bring things about. If it's not possible sometimes, he can accept that. What's not acceptable is when he feels that I simply don't care and don't even engage in conversation. It's also not acceptable for me to not give his ideas/wishes a chance, financially or otherwise. It's depressing for a spouse to feel like their most important wishes are always criticized or ignored or uncared about, that there's never any money or time for them. It's hard for husbands and wives to feel like by getting something they want that their spouse suffers or gets drained. Many spouses will forgo what they want just to see the other person happy and energetic. This is reality in marriage & parenthood, but it's also dream-killing...

I've done my share of being a dream-buster at times. And I've been working hard to change it. I can tell that my husband has been working really hard to both recognize and better support my dreams as well. We still struggle when our highest dreams clash once in a while - all couples experience that reality and that's the hardest kind of conflict to deal with because neither of us wants to give up our own dreams, even temporarily. But we recognize this type of conflict more quickly now. This alone helps to diffuse conflict, to stop it before it escalates. And perhaps most tangible of the benefits is that we both have committed to moving towards one another even after fighting. This doesn't mean we always contritely apologize and make it all perfect. Sometimes there's nothing to say sorry for - we simply had a clash of dreams and priorities. What it does mean, however, is that we eventually do those little things that say, "I'm still with you." It might take five minutes or five hours, but we do eventually come back together emotionally. This is key. (And it's actually EASIER to move towards each other when we recognize our conflict was about dreams, something that's not wrong inherently. This understanding about dreams offers a new lens to interpret arguments and supposed "wrongdoing". Sometimes we interpret another person's actions as objectively wrong when all they were doing was following a different dream.)

Before reading this book and talking about both our dreams, I realized our marriage felt blah after having kids. We conflicted more and liked each other less. We'd been married for a lot of years already. And then having two kids was a huge dream-dampener in some ways. It definitely limits some parts of adult life. When people date and romance one another, they take all kinds of time to listen to what's most important to the other person. They dream together. They dream often. They talk about possibilities. They go on new adventures. They risk. It's that exact dynamic that helps make dating wonderful - to know this one other person cares this much, is interested at that level, is desirous of spending time together to make each other happy. Married people can revive this dynamic. Personal dreams don't die just because you marry or have kids. There are of course reality checks in time, budget, and energy. But our personal dreams don't go away even with added difficulty. Sometimes our dreams even magnify if we have to mourn them too often. Married people can find each other's dreams again. We recognized them when we dated. We used time and money to help meet them. We went out of our way.

I hope my husband feels more of my support these days than in years prior. I hope he knows I want his dreams to move forward, that I'm interested, even if I don't hold the exact same dreams for myself. I hope he sees that I often try to make things work financially so that we can plan to resource what's important to him. I hope he feels that I engage with him better. I hope he feels loved because of all this...

-bm

P.S. I am not saying this book fixes all marriage problems. Some couples have problems outside the scope of this book. (I think that's obvious, but I'm saying it anyway. :) THIS post is for adults who are currently married and having very NORMAL issues that sometimes feel huge and hopeless, when in reality, they are quite common.

Thoughts?

Posted by Christina Hyun at December 31, 2007 12:55 a.m.

The above is from:
http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/beastmom/archives/128557.asp?from=blog_last3

See also this YouTube video:

Dr. John Gottman on TSTN Presents

http://www.youtube.com/v/LOdre3Bra8o&rel=1


18.  Contrasting the Three Phases

 

Table 18.1

Yes = tolerates at times a difference or disagreement
about that issue
No = never tolerates a difference or disagreement
about that issue

1
dominance phase

2
equity phase

3
unity phase

What restaurant to go to

Yes

Yes

No

What to order on the menu

Yes

Yes

No

What movie to go to or rent

Yes

Yes

 No

What either should wear somewhere

Yes

Yes

No

What friends to socialize with

Yes

Yes

No

How to deal with money or investments

Yes

Yes

 No

How to deal with the children

No

Yes

No

Where to live

No

Yes

No

How to deal with family

Yes

Yes

No

What political candidate deserves support

Yes

Yes

 No

Physical abuse or violence

No

No

No

What they laugh at

Yes

Yes

Yes

What they feel sentimental about

Yes

Yes

Yes

 

     

etc. (write your own)

     

 

     

 

Note that Table 20.1 shows different categories of items as defined by the pattern of answers. There are four patterns illustrated by items:

 

You will note that the unity model shows "No" in most categories illustrated. Within this phase of operation, husband and wife each feel disturbed for the other whenever any difference or disagreement is detected between them. They see a disagreement, no matter how small, no matter about what, as a threat to their unity.

 

They are each strongly motivated to realign their own affections to fit with the other's affections, so that the disagreement is immediately removed and not left festering and creating a rift or division in their mental unity. Further, the unity model assumes that it is the husband who should realign his feelings to agree with the wife whenever a difference between them comes out into the open. This one-sidedness may appear foolish and dangerous (to the male dominance perspective), or irrational and unfair (to the equity perspective). But it makes sense from the unity perspective since by anatomy, women have a deeper perception than men regarding relationship dynamics. Women are the experts and it makes sense to listen to the expert rather than the amateur in a situation where the two don't agree.

 

When a woman is made to listen to the man she is cut off from her freedom and love, hence from her feminine intelligence (C). But when a man is made to listen to a woman he is cut off from his slavery to selfism, gaining his masculine freedom and strength of character (A).

 

When married partners are still operating from the lower two phases, they tolerate many differences and disagreements as part of their normal marriage relationship and partnership. Their goal is not unity, but peace and comfort. In the male dominance phase they want to live and let live within prescribed boundaries. In the male dominance phase the separateness is defined by tradition and the constant striving for dominion, usually male over female. That is why the majority of items for these two phases is "Yes" for tolerating differences and disagreements.

 

Yes, Yes, No

No, Yes, No

No, No, No

Yes, Yes, Yes

Remember that the four "patterns" reflect habitual behaviors motivated by the marriage model they subscribe to, which governs the way each interacts with the other. But people do not follow their own model in a perfectly consistent manner. The "model" behavior or pattern may disintegrate at times when one or both partners revert to an earlier phase of interaction or pattern.

For example, a husband who is operating from the unity model may become quarrelsome and non-cooperative with some touchy issue which he has not yet resolved in his personality. His wife can perceive this and has no choice for the moment but to put up with her husband's lapse to a lower form of mental intimacy with her. Soon the husband will recover and feel guilty because he can see from his doctrine of the unity model, that keeping himself separated is contrary to his highest goals. He will express his guilt appropriately to repair the injury to his sweetheart so that she can bring herself to accept him again into her inner self and thus make a unity with him.

 

Watch this video and compare the views of men and women: 

http://video.ivillage.com/player/?id=0#videoid=145814


 

EXERCISE 18.1

Here is a useful exercise for identifying how couples are portrayed on TV and the media. Watch the shows or movies you want to analyze and take notes while watching. You can do this alone or with your partner or friend.

Write down the events, words, or attitudes you observed. Note the name of the show, the characters involved, and the date or week you made your observations. List each event or episode separately. Look through the generations of Student Reports to see how they did their analysis of popular shows and songs.


 

19. Examples of Anti-Unity Values (AUVs)

 

Unity = affective intimacy between wife and husband = spiritual marriage (lasts forever) = conjoint self

AUV = anti-unity value = anti-intimacy between partners = resistance of husband to affective intimacy

EXERCISE 19.1

In the following examples of anti-unity values (AUVs), often promoted in the media, explain for each what constitutes the anti-unity dynamic.

For instance, in showing people living together unmarried (1), young people receive the impression that this is something they could try as well. However, they are not told at the same time that there are disadvantages to doing that. Specifically, it will make it more difficult for the couple to move from equity to unity in their mental intimacy. The woman will have less motivational leverage on the man to have him change from negotiation and cognitive intimacy as a way of interacting with her (equity phase), to that of agreement and affective intimacy (unity phase).

  1. Living together unmarried

  2. Having children together without getting married

  3. Making each other jealous on purpose

  4. Infidelity for any reason

  5. Promiscuity (sex with strangers as a habit)

  6. Dressing up sexy to be noticed by men other than one's partner ("slutty")

  7. Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner in some situations

  8. Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner in some situations

  9. Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners

  10. Flirting with another man to retaliate against one's partner

  11. Cultivating separate interests and activities for partners

  12. Manipulating partner through deception or keeping secrets

  13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things

  14. Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them unconditionally with their faults, etc.

  15. Participating in girls only or boys only entertainment activities

  16. Acceptance of the idea that men have more rights in certain areas than women

  17. Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women

  18. Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender

  19. Making it look normal for a man to abuse women (e.g., calling her insulting names)

  20. Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, boys will be boys attitude, etc.)

  21. Making it look like what women say or think is less important

  22. Accepting the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (e.g., "the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being unreasonable" etc.)

  23. etc. etc.

After this, monitor the gender interactions that are portrayed on your favorite television shows. For each of the AUVs you observe, try to explain why that scene is promoting that is an AUV -- in what way is that type of event or attitude contrary to the formation of unity between partners?

For example, item 13:  "Accepting the idea that it's OK to agree to disagree about some things" promotes the acceptance of permanent separate attitudes about some issues, whether politics, sports, or family. When partners are motivated to achieve external and internal unity they need to discuss their opinions and beliefs in a helpful way until they are able to resolve what they disagree on. Partners who are affectively intimate desire to resolve any cognitive differences they still have. This makes sense anatomically since all cognitive operations (attitudes, opinions) are directed and controlled by affective operations. Hence any disagreement in cognitive attitudes or opinions (C) indicate an affective separation (A) or lack of conjunction and intimacy.

Disagreements of opinion or attitude, if accepted as permanent, prevents complete unity since each disagreement has assumptions and attitudes behind it or within it (affective is within or behind cognitive), and these must somehow come out in their relationship, leading to avoidance and separation in that area (S).

Or take for another example, item 14: "Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them unconditionally with their faults, etc.." This is an anti-unity value (AUV) because one cannot achieve unity if the partners are not free to influence one another in personality traits, both cognitive and affective.

Besides that, partners who are moving towards unity are motivated to become for the other what the other wants and needs. The wife strives to please her husband and to get to know his tastes, sense of humor, preferences, masculine intelligence, etc., so that she can make him happy and make him feel attached to her. The husband strives to make the wife comfortable and content by cutting out his behaviors and traits that upset her and by learning new behaviors that she likes. In this way both the husband and the wife strive to change for the other so that they may become as one. But if the husband insists on remaining the way he is, or the way he was prior to the marriage, he puts a limit to how close and intimate the two can grow together.

Once you have your own list of observations, the next step is to test it out. You can do so in various ways, depending on how you decide to proceed. One possibility would be to make up a Form with scales and definitions, then use the Form while you are watching similar shows. Fill out the Form while you are watching.

Note:  It might be helpful to consult examples in the Generational Curriculum where students worked to develop DBB Ratings for TV shows ("Drivers Behaving Badly") -- see this directory:  www.drdriving.org/articles/dbb.htm

See also the Song Analysis done by prior generation students, available here:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/student3/amyl/public_html/499/songls.html


 

 

EXERCISE 19.2

Spiritual Marriage (or Eternal Marriage)
Anatomical Conjunction of Mental Organs of Husband and Wife

Quoting from the book Conjugial Love (1763)  by Emanuel Swedenborg:

CL 321. (4) People who before had lived with their partners in a state of truly conjugial love [ = unity model ] do not wish to marry again, except for reasons dissociated from conjugial love.

People who before had lived in a state of truly conjugial love do not wish to marry again after the death of their partner for the following reasons:

1. Because they have been united in respect to their souls [ = affective conjunction ] and so in respect to their minds [ = cognitive conjunction ]; and this union, being a spiritual one [ = spiritual marriage ] , is an actual coupling [ = anatomical conjunction ] of the soul and mind of one to the soul and mind of the other, which cannot in any way be dissolved [ = spiritual or eternal ]. (That this is the nature of spiritual union we have already shown here and there previously.)

[2] 2. Because they have been united also in respect to their bodies [ = sensorimotor conjunction ], by the wife's reception of the propagations of the husband's soul [ = affective conjunction ], and thus by an implantation of his life in hers [ = anatomical conjunction of mental organs ], by which a maiden becomes a wife; and conversely by the husband's reception of the wife's conjugial love, which disposes the inner faculties of his mind and at the same time the inner and outer faculties of his body into a state capable of receiving love and perceiving wisdom, a state which turns him from a youth into a husband (on which subject, see nos. 198, 199 above).

[3] 3. Because an atmosphere of her love [ = affective ] continues to emanate from the wife, and an atmosphere of his intellect [ = cognitive ] from the husband; and this perfects the bonds between them, and with its pleasant ambience surrounds them and unites them (again, see above, no. 223).

[4] 4. Because married partners so united think of and yearn for eternity in their marriage, and eternal happiness for them is founded on that idea (see no. 216). [ = spiritual marriage ]

[5] 5. Because in consequence of the foregoing they are no longer two but one person, that is, one flesh. [ = mental conjunction of the threefold self of the two, creating the conjoint self ]

[6] 6. Because such a oneness cannot be sundered by the death of the other partner - a fact manifestly evident to visual sight in the spirit. [ = anatomical cojunction ]

[7] To these reasons we will add this new one:

7. Because the two are not actually separated by the death of one; for the spirit of the deceased continues to dwell with the spirit of the one not yet deceased, and this until the death of the other, at which time they come together again and are reunited, loving each other even more tenderly than before, because they are in the spiritual world [ = mental world of eternity ].

From these circumstances comes the following inevitable result, that people who before had lived in a state of truly conjugial love do not wish to marry again.

If they nevertheless do afterwards enter into something like a marriage, it is for reasons dissociated from conjugial love; and these reasons are all external ones. As for example: If there are little children in the house and there is need to provide for their care. If the house is a large one, equipped with servants of both sexes. If responsibilities outside the house divert the mind from domestic concerns at home. If there is need for joint assistance and shared duties. And other like reasons. (CL 321)

CL 229. (20) For people who desire truly conjugial love, the Lord [ = God ] provides similar partners, and if they are not found on earth, He provides them in heaven [ = afterlife of eternity through the spiritual mind within the spiritual body ]. This results from the fact that all marriages of truly conjugial love are provided by the Lord [ = God ]. They come from Him, as may be seen above in nos. 130, 131.

But how they are provided in heaven, I once heard described by angels [ = married couples in the heavens of their mind ] as follows:

The Lord's Divine providence [ = God's rational management style ] is most specific and most universal in connection with marriages and in its operation in marriages, because all delights of heaven flow from the delights of conjugial love, like sweet waters from a gushing spring. [ = sexual love is the hub around which all other relationship issues revolve ]

It is therefore provided that conjugial pairs be born, and they are raised and continually prepared for their marriages under the Lord's guidance, neither the boy nor the girl being aware of it. Then, after a period of time, the girl - now a marriageable young woman - and the boy - now a young man ready to marry - meet somewhere, as though by fate, and notice each other. And they immediately recognize, as if by a kind of instinct, that they are a match, thinking to themselves as from a kind of inner dictate, the young man, 'she is mine,' and the young woman, 'he is mine.'

Later, after this thought has for some time become settled in the minds of each, they deliberately talk about it together and pledge themselves to each other in marriage.

We say as though by fate, by instinct and as from a kind of dictate, when we mean by Divine providence, because when one is unaware that it is Divine providence, that is how it appears. For the Lord unveils their inner similarities so that they notice each other. (CL 229)

You can explore the Numbers cited in this passage, where much more detail is presented, by going to the online version of the Conjugial Love book at:  http://www.swedenborgdigitallibrary.org/contets/cltc.html

 

Discuss the ideas presented in the above passage. It is central to the unity model and upon which the unity model is based. Which ideas do you like and why? Which ideas don't you like and why? How do they contrast with the ideas on marriage in (1) the psychology you know from courses; and (2) popular beliefs that you are aware of from other readings or from your family and friends. Discuss these ideas with your partner or some friends and family. What does the discussion with them reveal to you? What are the consequences for your thinking or attitude about marriage and relationships in your own life?

 


 

20. Examples of Unity Values (UVs) -- Sweetheart Rituals

 

A husband who is committed to the unity model tries to create an endless romantic sphere between him and his wife, and all around them in their living quarters or when they are out in public. We can call this type of romantic unity focus by the name of sweetheart rituals.

 

This expression refers to the husband constantly looking for ways to interact with his wife in a romantic way, similar to the first phase of their relationship, when they met and fell in love.

 

This sweet heavenly phase between them is called the honeymoon phase of the relationship, which today in our culture often occurs long before the wedding and marriage. Today the expression "honeymoon" simply refers to the few days or weeks following the wedding. But this does no longer refer to the sweet mental phase when the partners are each other's sweetheart. The sweetheart stage may have ended long before a wedding actually takes place. Whenever the honeymoon phase occurs mentally it is a special state that does not repeat itself again. It is the beginning of their attraction for each other when the man is starry eyed and hot for the woman, before he begins to show her what lies underneath in terms of unattractive and obnoxious habits and enjoyments.

 

The mental honeymoon phase is given by God as a foretaste of their unity in heaven in the afterlife of their immortality.

 

The woman is given spiritual perception of the man, like an x-ray vision of his true self, as he can become if he desires to conjoin himself to her and thereby reach his full potential as a masculine intelligence and masculine love of her.

 

The man is given a heavenly high in which he can experience what it would be like to be in heaven with her. This mental state is extremely pleasant and invigorating, and reveals to him how life can be when it is perfect and exciting every moment.

 

The mental honeymoon phase is marked by very intense feelings and emotions which some psychologists call "infatuation" with each other. But I think this is a prejudicial view that goes along with the idea that "passion" in the love between husband and wife wanes from their life after about seven years. Obviously this is a terrible thing to contemplate for a unity couple who are looking to being together forever. What is seven brief years of passion in comparison to an eternity of lack of it? How totally depressing! But fortunately, it is completely untrue. These depressing concepts can only apply to the dominance and equity phases of marriage -- and then it is unclear what is its cause, or why it is not true for some couples.

 

At any rate, it is probably to be expected that sexual passion and romantic intensity will decrease in a marriage when the husband fails to maintain sweetheart rituals that are harmonious and supportive of passion and love to continue.

 

In fact, according to the unity model, romantic love and sexual passion progressively increase throughout the years of marriage, and then afterward in eternity.

 

This was empirically confirmed by Swedenborg when he interviewed several wives in heaven concerning their romantic passion with their husbands.

 

What are sweetheart rituals? Everybody knows some that are standard -- like phone calls, flowers, cards, dining out on a date, buying gifts on anniversaries and birthdays, reminiscing about the past at candle light, etc. But there are also daily sweetheart rituals that must be established.

 

Here are some of the sweetheart rituals that I have learned to maintain over the years with my wife.

  1. When she walks into the room where I am, I acknowledge her with a welcoming smile and eye contact.

  2. When I leave the house I hold her, embrace her, kiss her, and declare my love for her, promising to return safely to her.

  3. When I work for hours at the computer, I reestablish connection with her, going to her, sitting with her, holding hands, smiling, appearing pleased and happy.

  4. I don't let more than a couple of hours go by before I touch her, stroke her, declare my love for her, and ask her if she would like something from the kitchen, or if she has something on her mind that needs to ge done, offering to do it myself.

  5. When she is at work I send her email messages of love and anticipation for our reunion in a few hours.

  6. I think of ways to surprise her every day, like something I bought for her, or something I cooked or prepared for her, or doing something she wanted done, or telling her something she didn't know, making reservations at a restaurant, finding something she had been looking for, fixing something she needed, etc.

  7. Giving her massages and rubs once or twice a day. Stroking her hair. Squeezing her neck and shoulder. Foot massage with lotion. Head and scalp rub. Facial. Full body massage. Etc.

  8. Keeping up my appearance at home -- shaving, mouth hygiene, neat hair, clean finger nails, body odor and cleanliness, clipping unwanted eyebrow, nose and ear hair, etc.

  9. Watching her get dressed, talking to her about the clothes, admiring her looks

  10. Shopping with her for her clothes, knowing what stores she likes, what kinds of clothes she does not like, helping her find things in the store (sizes, colors, styles), expressing my opinion on pieces and accessories, avoiding looking like I'm tired and maintaining energy level and enthusiasm to match hers.

  11. Going places with her like doctor's appointments, always offering to chauffeur her around wherever she needs to go, thus acting like I want to be with her, and that I consider it important to do that.

  12. Asking her regularly what's on her mind and if there is anything I can do to make it easier on her.

  13. Being friendly to her girl friends, treating them with respect and consideration.

  14. Rescuing her from her feelings of self-blame when she makes a mistake, arguing on her behalf, minimizing the consequences, offering to take care of it for her.

  15. Discussing with her intimate things concerning her body and physiology, getting myself knowledgeable about women's health issues (it's easy on the Web where there is so much information), reading the news on women's health (on Google), emailing her links to some articles, discussing it with her later, striving to cut a reassuring tone, objectifying health and illness concerns and fears at a rational and practical level.

  16. Supporting her in her shopping desires, giving her courage to buy what she thinks is right for her, never talking about price or money -- since I found that she is already careful and rational about spending.

  17. Making sure I am a "good secretary" for her about phone messages left for her, or reminders.

  18. Never, never criticizing her.  Never ever judging and blaming her.  Never losing my temper at her or showing impatience with her. 

  19. etc.

 

You might think that I must be an angel to do all these things, or that I am exaggerating. My wife might agree with you that I might be exaggerating. And I always make myself agree with my wife. Still, we would all agree that these items represent the unity model. A husband who is dedicated and skilled can become a unity husband if he follows these types of sweetheart rituals. This is because each such ritual that is practiced conjoins the husband to his wife at the mental level. This involves mental organs that are immortal and eternal, and if they are conjoined at the level of affective intimacy they are conjoined spiritually, that is, forever.

 

Some of you might wonder: What's such a big deal about being conjoined forever? Why not being conjoined for a few thousand years, then try the next few thousand years with another partner, and so on forever.

 

This rotating partnership idea is natural and is based in our materialistic experiences in the natural mind restricted to the physical body and the physical world. For instance, if heavenly partnership were on some earth in the natural world, involving a physical body that yet lives forever, one might be able to consider such a rotating partnership because in a physical body husband and wife are further mentally from each other than in a spiritual body in the mental world of eternity.

 

In the real heaven in the spiritual mind of our eternity there is no mental distance possible between conjugial partners. The moment any small distance of any kind is introduced the partners find themselves as if thrown down into a lower layer of their mind, no longer in heaven itself.

 

The very idea of a rotating partnership in eternity would instantly catapult the partners into a deep hell in their mind and suffer great anguish and loss. So you need to remember that conjugial love involves mental anatomy and physiology of immortal substances and forms. Once a man's affective and cognitive organs are conjoined to the woman's affective and cognitive organs, they are no longer two selves but one conjoint self, male and female. This conjoint self is what grows forever more and more in human perfection. Any other system like rotating partnership, or occasional infidelity, or etc., has the built in destructive power to annihilate the conjoint self in the human race. But if this is done then heaven for the human race also disappears, for that mental state was created by God to be an immortal anatomical conjunction between husband and wife in conjugial love endlessly increasing and perfecting.

 

We are not truly human, or fully human, until we become a conjoint self with another.

 

Our true life of endless perfection, compassion, intelligence, and enthusiasm  actually only begins when our consciousness enters the heavenly layers in our spiritual mind.

 

Watch this video:

By Husband for Husband: Romancing your wives

http://www.youtube.com/v/C-ddNgyH8Y8&rel=1

 

 

Finally, the most important consideration of all for you to ponder:

 

Why do we need to know about all this? What happens when we don't anything about it?

 

We need to know this because we need to prepare for life in eternity. If we don't, we remain in our inherited character as we were born and grew up. Our adult life will continue in this channel, and also our relationships and married life. But if we become enlightened to see rationally that we need to prepare for heavenly life, then we need some knowledge and techniques to prepare adequately and effectively.

 

The unity model is knowledge that all people can use to prepare themselves for love, rationality, and happiness in heavenly conjugial eternity, thus avoiding the only alternative there is -- rage, insanity, and suffering in the hell layers of our mental eternity.

 

To agree with this by seeing it rationally is called being spiritually enlightened.

 

Watch this video:

Wild at Heart (3) Romance with your wife
http://www.youtube.com/v/0VU9FbzRDDY&rel=1

 


 

EXERCISE 20.1

 

 

Make up your own list of sweetheart rituals. If you are a man make a list of interactions with your partner (actual or imagined) that you would want to perform with her in terms of sweetheart rituals. If you are a woman make a list of items that represents what you would like your partner (actual or imagined) to exhibit with you. Discuss the list with friends and partner. What conclusions do you draw from your discussions with them?

 


 

EXERCISE 20.2

 

Read the advice below and create a Table of UV (Unity Values) based on it. Note that some of these recommendations or attitudes may not be fully compatible with the unity model. See if you can spot them.

 

Secrets to a Happy Marriage

by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, Pastoral Marriage and Family Therapist

Note: full article in Parts is available at:

gdgrifflaw.typepad.com/kansas_family_law_/2006/02/secrets_to_a_ha.html 

(...)

Secret number 1: Full Disclosure of Moneys - No Hidden Accounts

Money may appear to be the root of all evil but it is really the love of money that reveals the root of all evil. That being said, money seems to cause so much trouble in households and puts undue pressure on marriages when it need not. But all too often husbands and wives keep hidden things from one another in the form of hidden monetary accounts and various means of not fully disclosing their moneys.

 

Spouses need to be fully and completely open with one another about any and ALL money that each has: pension accounts, insurance, savings, 401(k), retirement, checking, rainy-day money (mad money), anything and everything. Doing so helps to prevent loss of moneys in the event of an illness or early death. But the most important reason of this first secret is so that both spouses can be equally empowered in the relationship. Money is power, so to speak but it is the spousal relationship that is to be empowered not the money.

(...)

Husbands: if you have any moneys hidden away in private accounts, even with regard to the business you are in, please come clean with your spouse. Fully disclose this information with your wife and do it ASAP!

 

Wives: if you have any hidden accounts to keep your husbands out of the loop, even with regard to the business you are in, please come clean with your spouse. Fully disclose this information with your wife and do it ASAP!

 

Bringing out the hidden things empowers each other and creates an environment in the family of equality and the sharing of power. This is vital to keeping the love and intimacy healthy in the marriage relationship.

(...)

Note:

From the perspective of the unity model, the wife is the one who needs empowerment. The husband has the power status given him by society while the wife is often being discriminated and abused by male dominant laws, norms, rules, and traditions. So it might make sense for the wife to also have a separate account so she can establish her own credit, just as all men are supposed to do. The husband is the one who should insist that his wife have a separate account of her own, in addition to the joint accounts. In contrast, the husband does not need from the financial perspective, to have his own separate account. So the wife has somewhat different needs than the husband, and he should see to it that her needs are taken care of. What is your view on this?

 

At the same time there is no need for the wife to keep her own additional accounts secret from her husband. She may let him look at her statements, if he wants to, just to show him she has nothing to hide. While having a separate account, in addition to the joint account, is beneficial to the wife's financial status, it is not beneficial or necessary to have secrecy between her and her husband. The unity model leads them to be best friends with each other, one trusting the other fully. The additional separate bank accounts for the wife is not related to trust at all, but the wife's financial welfare as a citizen. This applies not only to bank accounts but investments. The wife should have some of the family's savings and investments to be in her own name, in addition to her having her name on the joint investments.

 

The principle of unity here is to make sure the woman is protected both as to money and as to how she feels in her involvement with finances. Things should be allocated according to the woman's needs rather than according to equity principles.  The rules should favor the woman in a married partnership. If equity is the principle being followed, the woman ends up the loser, and the man ends up the winner. This is spiritually evil and prevents unity in eternity.

 

In a spiritual marriage, the woman must be the winner, and the man must be the loser, in all exchanges where they do not agree, when they compete, thus when they are not united. This will create unity.

 

Continuing with Dr. Trey's article:

Secret number two: Each spouse must become a skilled cryptographer or develop competent communication skills.

Those who served in the military know what a cryptographer does: a person trained in breaking codes, the secret communication patterns intended to hide what is really being said. Husbands and wives really do speak different languages. It can be difficult to interpret what the other intends to say at times. Either the husband has to magically interpret the hidden codes in his wife’s conversations or he has to develop competent communication skills. Those spouses that have healthy marriages have worked hard to develop competent communication skills to understand the other.

 

Prime example: husband comes home from a hard stressful day of work and wants to watch TV and unwind. Wife enters the room and wants to connect with her husband about his day. What ends up happening is a confrontation that never should have happened. The two spouses collide together in misunderstanding and end up experiencing rejection from the other. All because each doesn’t know the other’s language.

(...)

 

How do spouses develop competent communication skills? Husbands and wives need to take time to ask each other what they mean and clarify, clarify, clarify! Husbands: clarify what you mean when you say you just want to sit and watch TV after work. Tell you wife that it DOESN’T mean you are avoiding her all evening long. Tell her that you will do it for a certain amount of time and then will be available to talk with her afterwards. Tell her how important that time is for you.

 

Husbands: Do not think that all your wishes and wants will somehow be transferred to your wife by osmosis. She doesn’t know but what you tell her. She can’t be expected to read between all the lines and figure out the secret man language you are using. And when you are desiring intimacy with your wife, sometimes she can miss it. If left to her own devices, she will misunderstand something you did not adequately communicate! So what do you do? Clarify, explain, communicate.

 

Wives, as well, speak a totally different language than husbands. They speak with emotion, with connection, with a desire that their husbands will take an interest in them and in their day. Wives speak with depth, even when they seem shallow to their husbands. But wives, you too will have to clarify what you mean when you come home and want to spend time with your husband. He doesn’t understand the emotional connections, the need to be needed, the need for spoken words of affirmation, the need to be told ‘I love you’ and to be cuddled at night before bed. Many times you speak in a foreign language. And when you are desiring romance, he can totally miss it.

 

Note:

From the perspective of the unity model the above advice may play into the hands of the husband and prevent him from seeing what he needs to do to take care of this situation.

 

Take for instance the statement underlined above: "They speak with emotion, with connection, with a desire that their husbands will take an interest in them and in their day." This is true. What needs to be stressed is that the wife's "desire that her husband take an interest in her day" is motivated by the desire to conjoin him to herself . If the husband rejects her desire for him to talk about her and her day, he needs to know that he is rejecting conjunction and unity. If he does this, he cannot later truthfully claim to her that he does love her and wants to be her best friend. He may try to claim that later, but it wont' work on her. The trust is broken. Now he has to do the right thing to repair the injured trust between them -- as long as he still wants to be best friends with her.

 

Continuing with Dr. Trey's article:

Wives: Do not think that your wishes and wants will be magically transferred to your husband by osmosis. He needs for you to clarify, explain, communicate.

 

To put it another way, if we don’t communicate, then we will be distant, confused, and lost. Eventually, the relationship grows apart and dissolves; without communication, without connection, we die. Newborn infants have to be held after birth to develop normally. Child friendships develop because two persons find common areas of connection and interest. We are not made to be alone for our life.

 

Husbands and wives are brought together to be complementary and connectional.

 

Marriage demands excellence of the husband and the wife. The old adage of ‘we’ve been married for 40 years and we haven’t had a communication problem since I told her who was the boss’ doesn’t hold water anymore. Our parents and grandparents may have been able to scuff off not having had good communication skills and made us believe as if it was just fine and dandy to operate in misunderstanding and disconnection. 2005 is different. Husbands and wives operate in equality in the 21st century. Gone are the days of male domination and ‘women are to keep silent.’

(...)

 

Good communication empowers both spouses in love and harmony. Good communication keeps you connected to the other in understanding and clarity. And when problems arise and misunderstandings creep through the relationship, having established a pattern of understanding helps to ward off unnecessary arguments and family problems.

(...)

 

Secret number three: Words empower -- praise your spouse often in public and private.

 

It is rather easy at the start of a marriage, or even after years of marriage, for many couples to begin to gnaw on the other. Those little things that each does that totally irritates the other - small comments of complaint or disgust to the other spouse for the way they look, what they do, how they are, what is said, etc. Over time these small forms of rejection build up to form an emotional wall that forms between you and your spouse. Even if such small comments are unintentional or even part of your relationship, those comments do emotional damage when it need not.

 

Words can do allot of damage and equally words can bring inner healing and health. We all long for our parents to praise us for succeeding in life, for choosing a good partner, for having beautiful children, or for carrying on the family values. Equally, spouses long to hear those powerful words of affirmation from the other. Spousal comments can have the weight of parental comments.

 

More than just words of affirmation, praising the other spouse when you are out in public draws attention to the spouse’s strengths and abilities. It is a way of recognizing the VALUE you place in your spouse. It is more than just bragging on them, it is attaching the high value to them by recognizing their importance to you.

 

I know many of you reading this know well enough the complaints both husbands and wives have shared about the other in public places. I don’t need to share here the kinds of things you all have said about your spouse. We have all done it. But the bad part is how damaging it is to the other spouse, much like being slandered in public. Every time you share with another person a deficiency or problem in your spouse, you are slandering an aspect of your marriage, your covenant with them. You are actually lowering their value to you and after a while the sum of all they are can get quite low. If your marriage was a value stock on the emotional stock market, would it gain in value over time or lose in value over time?

 

Husbands: note the patterns in your life with your guy buddies as to how you speak of your wife to them. Do you praise your wife in front of them, noting the things she does well and the appreciation you have for her. If you begin to do this, your friends will begin to be envious of you and your relationship. They will wish to be like you. What a strong witness that can be for both your marriage and your faith.

 

Wives: note the patterns in your life with your girl friends as to how you speak of your husband to them. Do you praise your husband in front of your girlfriends, do you tell them about the things he does well and your appreciation for him? If you start doing this, they will wish they had as great a husband. What a powerful witness it is for a wife to praise her husband in public.

 

I certainly do not think that you have to lie and make up something about the other spouse. This isn’t about ego or trying to psych them into doing something right. It is about acknowledging the strengths and abilities of the other. It is about attaching a high value that is rightfully present.

 

It is important to praise your spouse in public, where others can attest and lay witness to your statements, but it is equally important to speak praise to your spouse within their listening range. Spouses, take moments to tell the other what you appreciate in them. Speaking words of praise to your spouse in private gives feedback directly to them, helping to strengthen their emotional foundations in the relationship. Tell your spouse what they are doing well and how that makes you feel. Share with them that you feel stronger in your faith because of their support for you. Tell them that the words of beauty and the words of love are meaningful and helpful.

 

Words are powerful elements within our culture and life. As you find yourself praising your spouse for their strengths and abilities, you will find yourself thinking more about them in your day. And the small things that irritate, even the mistakes that are made, seem more manageable. Such communication with your spouse creates a healthier environment by which to address the things that may be getting in the way of the relationship.

(...)

Note:

After studying the above mentioned advice and secrets, make notes about how each of them relates to the three models of dominance, equity, and unity. Discuss your observations with your partner or friends. What did you discover through these discussions?

 

 

        21. Giving Objective Feedback

Praise and mutual admiration, as discussed above, are good things. However be sure you realize that praise and admiration do not exclude objective feedback that the wife gives to the husband about how she feels about his actions. The husband depends on the wife's objective feedback to him about how she feels as a result of what he is doing. 

 

It is more effective when a wife uses objective feedback rather subjective feedback. To give feedback subjectively is to allow her frustration and anxieties be the context for what she says. This subjective approach can be dismissed by husbands as "criticizing" and "complaining," hence reducing the wife's effectiveness. Talking about him and his behavior has the effect of allowing the husband to dismiss it by calling it "complaining" or "nagging." Once he calls it that in his mind, her intervention has no power or influence on him.

 

But giving feedback objectively confronts the husband at the right level and focus. To talk objectively, the wife needs to talk about herself and her feelings. She is the only one who can discuss objectively what she is feeling since she can observe that directly and report on it.

 

People often have this reversed due to a lack of understanding, or due to wrong teaching. When the wife talks about the husband's behavior or attitude she is providing an assessment or evaluation of him on some scale like "good-bad" or "fair-unfair" or "consistent-inconsistent" or "appropriate-inappropriate" etc. What are these ratings? They are subjective evaluations of the husband's performances. She decides subjectively where to put the check mark on the scale, reflecting her point of view and assessment criteria. This is a subjective assessment of the husband. He can reject this kind of subjective evaluation by calling it "nagging" or "There she goes again, complaining about me." or "What's wrong with her today. She is being so critical and judgmental." Etc. Every man already knows how to do this, how to reject the subjective assessment of their behavior by mothers, teachers, supervisors, etc. So the wife or girlfriend is less effective by playing into this practiced rejection habit of the man.

 

But objective feedback is to tell the husband how she feels. If she says to him "I'm very annoyed at you. I want you to stop." or "I feel so frustrated because you are not listening to me." the focus of what she is saying is on herself, not him. This is not an assessment or evaluation of his behavior. She can avoid talking about his behavior and attitude (subjective evaluation) by talking instead about her feelings and her wants (objective report).

 

You need to see the difference clearly and rationally.  If she is talking about him, he can easily reject her description of his behavior merely by contradicting or disagreeing with her. But is she is talking about herself, her feelings, her wants -- then what can be his response? He cannot disagree with her if she says, "I'm very annoyed at you." He cannot respond, "I don't think that's fair." or "That's not accurate." or "I don't agree." These things he can only apply to what she says about his behavior. So he has no comeback. He must address the issue she is raising: "I'm very annoyed at you." This is the issue. She is reporting to him about her feelings. He does not have access to her feelings, so she reports it to him. This is objective because she is describing something she can actually see or sense, and confirm.

 

Now when the woman says "I'm very annoyed at you", suppose he responds: "That's too bad for you." or "That's not my fault, is it.", then he is taking the exchange to a new level of escalation in their relationship. He is in effect saying to her: "I don't really care that you are annoyed at me. Just stop this nonsense." This is very hostile and threatening to their closeness and intimacy. It is very obvious to him, not just to her, that he is escalating and trying to punish her.

 

The woman must become skilled at this kind of exchange if she is going to insure that their future together will include affective intimacy. First she needs to lay aside for now feeling insulted or disappointed by him. Instead she needs to focus on how she can use the man's own claimed values and principles, what he claims are his values and principles in general, and what he claimed to her specifically about how he loves her, respects her, likes her, wants a future with her. These are his declarations, these are his claimed values and principles in the relationship. These are claims about himself that she needs to use against him, against his the resistance he is putting up to their becoming more mentally intimate.

 

Here is a made-up dialog that illustrates the wife's strategy.

 

She says:     I'm upset. I the garbage truck came and our garbage was not put out. I hate how it's going to smell for the next few days. I'm very annoyed and frustrated.

 

He says:     Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I forgot again.

 

He says:     I'm so upset because this happens regularly. I have to keep thinking "Will he remember to put out the garbage this time, like he promised. I hate the idea that my husband promises something then doesn't keep it. I'm wondering to myself: What kind of man is that? I hate thinking this way.

 

He says:     Oh, don't be so fussy, honey. What's the big harm. Our bin is only half way full anyway. It's not like we wont' have room for the garbage.

 

She says:     Now I feel even worse. I'm very very upset. I am hurt and scared by the idea that my man, my protector, my lover, doesn't care about how I feel, about how I am so upset and disturbed.

 

He says:     OK, all right, I'll put the garbage out next time and I won't forget. I promise.

 

She says:     That will be good. But I'm still upset. I'm scared that you are not going to keep your promise. I need to be able to rely on your promises. It's very disturbing.

 

He says:      (comes over and holds her hand gently, looks into her eyes) I want to make sure you feel reassured and not have to keep putting up with this feeling about me and my promises. (kissing her)  (then she relents, feeling better, smiles at him, holds her body close to him)

Now compare the above strategy used by the wife, which is objective, to the following one, which is subjective.

 

She says:     Honey, you forgot to put out the garbage again.

 

He says:      Yeah, I guess so.

 

She says:      But honey, you always forget. Why don't you care enough about it to remember. It's not such a big deal. Why don't you write a note to yourself or set the timer on your cell phone.

 

He says:      Nah, it's OK. I'll remember next time.

 

She says:      Now it's going to smell all week. You promised me. Can't you make your promises good?

 

He says:      You're making too much of this. Just forget about it. It won't smell. It's only if you open the lid that it will smell.

 

She says:     Oh, No, it's horrible. The neighbors can smell it on the other side of the fence.

 

He says:      I don't know. I didn't notice that.

 

Etc.

You can see that in the above subjective approach the wife is not getting anywhere with him. He just starts arguing with her about the details of the garbage smelling or not smelling. This is not what she wants, not what she needs, not what will put her mind and feelings at rest. Notice that the wife's statements are all about her husband and his behavior, while in the objective approach, the wife's statement are all about herself, her feelings, her needs, her wants.

 

Study the contrast between the objective and subjective approaches in the examples below:

 

Objective feedback approach:

 

Or, "I am getting sick with stress because you are not talking to me about it."

 

Or, "I feel totally bummed out. I feel it's totally unfair for you to do this."

 

Or, "I feel that you are not listening to me. I'm getting more and more upset because you won't take care of my feelings."

 

Or, "I'm very annoyed at you. I want you to stop."

Etc.

 

Subjective feedback approach:

 

"You are lazy. When are you going to fix yourself?"

 

Or, "You are not listening to me. What is wrong with you?"

 

Or, "You forgot again. You're being totally unfair. You're so annoying."

 

Or, "You're being ridiculous. There you go again."

Etc.

 

Study the differences. You will see that all objective statements start with "I" while all subjective statements start with "You." This may be the reverse of what you had thought until now. but consider the logic of it. The only objective statements we can make are those that start with "I" since no one else can observe directly how you feel or what you think. So your statement reporting on how you feel or what you think is objective.

 

For the same reason if you start a statement with "You" then you're going to have to guess subjectively what the other person is doing or thinking or feeling. That's where the exchange starts failing. The husband simply denies that he feels this way or thinks that. He is going to reinterpret what you say and you fail to make your point to him. But he cannot call into question statements you make about yourself that you are informing him about.

 

Notice that the wife is telling the husband how she feels about what he is doing or not doing. So she can talk about what he should do or stop doing by telling him how she feels about it herself. Now it is up to him. If he says "Well, I don't care that you feel this way." then she knows where they stand. He cannot hide it or pretend. It's better that his attitude be called out into the open because then it's on the table and she can tell him how she feels about it.

 

So the wife's strategy to help the husband is to always confront him with objective statements about herself regarding how she feels about him or what he is doing or not doing. Everything a husband does is something he does to his wife. Until he recognizes this truth and reality, he is avoiding unity, avoiding true love, true friendship, and ultimately, conjugial unity in eternity.

 

 


 

EXERCISE 21.1

 

Make up two different dialog exchanges between a man and a woman, married or living together. Pick any two topics other than taking out the garbage. Show the dialog to your partner or friends. Discuss it with them from your perspective on mental intimacy. Explain to them the difference between objective and subjective comments. What are your observations or conclusions from these discussions?

 



EXERCISE 21.2

 

Read the following excerpted article. Reread it while you note the contrasts about the behavior of boys and girls. In each case think about how it promotes either anti-unity or pro-unity values and habits of thinking and interrelating. Discuss it with your partner and friends. Describe what you learned from these discussions.

From: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070717.wlgirltalk17/BNStory/lifeMain/home

 

She said what? What a downer...

As long as there are school bullies and jealous fights, girls will inevitably tell problems to their best friend. But a new study shows that playground commiseration may be the root of increased depression

SIRI AGRELL   From Tuesday's Globe and Mail  July 17, 2007 at 8:21 AM EDT

Every day at recess, 11-year-old Anya Goss huddles with her best friend on the playground of her Toronto school and begins going over the day's problems.

The girls talk about who has been bullying them, who picked a fight with someone who used to be their best friend, who is mean and who is just jealous.

"In one recess we can cover about five problems," said Anya, who will start Grade 6 in the fall.

"But none of them really get solved."

Anya and her friends, like most girls their age, talk about their problems a lot. They whisper about them in the halls and cry to each other on the phone after school.

For many adolescent girls, this process is a major component of friendship, a way to help each other out and build solidarity against perceived injustices.

But the constant discussion of all things downer could actually be making thing worse. According to a study in the July issue of Developmental Psychology, girls who constantly rehash their problems with friends develop higher levels of depression and anxiety over the course of a school year.

"With this focused insistence on talking about their problems, they don't get a chance to do other things that might take their mind off it," said Amanda Rose, the study's author and a professor at the University of Missouri. "They keep getting reminded about what they're upset about, so it's harder for them to move on."

Dr. Rose made her discovery after spending eight months studying a group of 813 students in grades 3 through 9.

Both boys and girls were found to co-ruminate - or talk to one another about their problems - but only among girls did the habit predict heightened levels of depression and anxiety.

Boys were less likely to talk to their friends about emotional problems, she said, and even when they did, it did not seem to make them feel any worse.

"I was surprised that co-rumination didn't cause depression among boys," Dr. Rose said.

She believes this is because girls tend to blame themselves for their problems, while boys find fault externally - a gender difference that has been established in other research.

But Dr. Rose also found that the more girls talked to a friend about a problem, the closer they felt to that individual. Their friendships improved even as their moods seemed to darken.

"I think their intentions are very positive and they might feel better in the moment when they're actually talking," she said. "They really bond over it."

Anya began discussing her problems regularly when she entered Grade 5 and "things got more complicated."

Suddenly, girls in her class were fighting every day, and talking about it with her best friend made Anya feel like she wasn't the only one being picked on.

But she admits that having people on her side sometimes agitates things further.

"Some problems I like keeping secret," she said, "because if you tell your friends they want to make stuff better, but when they try and make stuff better, it makes stuff worser."

Like Dr. Rose, Anya has noticed that boys don't seem to endlessly discuss their issues.

"As much as I'm close to a lot of my friends that are boys, more girls understand about this stuff," she said. "Boys will forget it or ignore it, but girls basically put it in a library and they can take it out whenever they want."

Marshall Korenblum, chief psychiatrist at the Hincks-Dellcrest Centre for Children in Toronto, said his female patients are regularly involved in this kind of constant chronicling.

"It can be pretty all-consuming. They talk about it on MSN [instant messaging] and you think that would be enough, but no, then they have to go to Facebook and then the telephone. But they just saw each other 10 minutes ago," he said.

Instead of telling them to stop, Dr. Korenblum encourages the girls also to discuss their problems with an adult, who may be able to help them reach a solution in a single sitting. Once they feel better about the issue, he said, they will naturally stop obsessing over it with their friends.

Dr. Rose, on the other hand, believes girls should be told directly to "rein in" the time they spend commiserating, and should be taught about the link between co-rumination and depression.

"A lot of people don't think talking about problems could make you feel worse," she said. "So even just letting them know about this idea could help move them away from it."

Nevertheless, Dr. Rose said it won't be easy for girls to stop talking each other's ears off about their issues. For most women, including the researcher herself, the behaviour continues into the teenage years and adulthood.

"Now that I've seen these findings I do try and co-ruminate less," she said.

"But I'm not sure how successful I'll be."

The above is from: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070717.wlgirltalk17/BNStory/lifeMain/home

 

 

Here are more headlines on the same story, from Goggle News:
 

Girls Who Complain About Their Problems At Greater Risk Of ...
Science Daily (press release) - Jul 16, 2007
Science Daily — A researcher at the University of Missouri-Columbia has found that girls who talk very extensively about their problems with friends are ...

Chat leaves teenage girls flat
The Australian, Australia - Jul 16, 2007
Friendships that lend themselves to ruminating about problems may actually contribute to emotional difficulties, depression and anxiety. ...

Ruminating may not be good for girls
Earthtimes.org - Jul 16, 2007
COLUMBIA, Mo., July 16 Friendships that lend themselves to ruminating about problems may actually contribute to emotional difficulties in girls, ...

Venting with friends mixed blessing for teens
Vancouver Province (subscription), Canada - Jul 16, 2007
Anyone who has nursed a broken heart or bruised ego knows venting with a friend is great for bonding, but now researchers say too much of it can be harmful ...

 


 

EXERCISE 21.3:

 

Read this first. Then analyze each advice given in terms of unity values.
 

From www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/

Gottman’s Marriage Tips 101

Since 1973, Dr. John Gottman has studied what he calls the "masters and disasters" of marriage. Ordinary people from the general public took part in long-term studies, and Dr. Gottman learned what makes marriages fail, what makes them succeed, and what can make marriages a source of great meaning. By examining partners’ heart rates, facial expressions, and how they talk about their relationship to each other and to other people, Dr. Gottman is able to predict with more than 90% accuracy which couples will make it, and which will not. What advice does Dr. Gottman have to offer? Below are some of his top suggestions for how to keep your marriage strong.

  • Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.
     
  • Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.
     
  • Soften your "start up." Arguments first "start up" because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame.
     
  • Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them". This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.
     
  • Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
     
  • Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to thank you for.…"). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
     
  • Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones.  For example, "We laugh a lot;" not, "We never have any fun".  A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.

If  you'd like to test your relationship click on relationship quizzes.  And for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential, check out our new DVD/Video Workshop for Couples, The Art & Science of Love (click here).

The above is from www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/

Now analyze each advice given in terms of unity values. Show your analysis to your partner and friends. What did you observe in these discussions?
 


 

EXERCISE 21.4

 

Evaluate the Baha'i marriage in terms of the unity model. What overlapping features do you note? What are differences?

From:  www.bci.org/bahaimarriage/what.html

What is a Bahá'í Marriage?

As to the question of marriage, according to the law of God: First you must select one, and then it depends on the consent of the father and mother. Before your selection they have no right of interference.

Bahá'í marriage is union and cordial affection between the two parties. They must, however, exercise the utmost care and become acquainted with each other's character. This eternal bond should be made secure by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain everlasting life...

In a true Bahá'í marriage the two parties must become fully united both spiritually and physically, so that they may attain eternal union throughout all the worlds of God, and improve the spiritual life of each other. This is Bahá'í matrimony.

Among the majority of the people marriage consists of physical relationship and this union and relationship is temporary for at the end physical separation is destined and ordained. But the marriage of the people of Bahá must consist of both physical and spiritual relationship for both of them are intoxicated with the wine of one cup, are attracted by one Peerless Countenance, are quickened with one Life and are illumined with one Light. This is the spiritual relationship and everlasting union. Likewise in the physical world they are bound together with strong and unbreakable ties.

When relationship, union and concord exist between the two from a physical and spiritual standpoint, that is the real union, therefore everlasting. But if the union is merely from the physical point of view, unquestionably it is temporal and at the end separation is inevitable.

Consequently when the people of Bahá desire to enter the sacred union of marriage, eternal connection and ideal relationship, spiritual and physical association of thoughts and conceptions of life must exist between them, so that in all the grades of existence and all the worlds of God this union may continue forever and ever for this real union is a splendor of the light of the love of God.

Likewise if the souls become real believers they will find themselves ushered into this exalted state of relationship, becoming the manifestors of the love of the Merciful and exhilarated with the cup of the love of God. Undoubtedly that union and relationship is eternal.

The souls who sacrifice self, become detached from the imperfections of the realm of man and free from the shackles of this ephemeral world, assuredly the splendors of the rays of divine union shall
shine in their hearts and in the eternal paradise they shall find ideal relationship, union and happiness.

Abdu'l-Bahá, Bahá'í World Faith - Abdu'l-Bahá Section, p. 373.

The above is from:  www.bci.org/bahaimarriage/what.html



EXERCISE 21.5

 

Watch this cute video about Lilly. Describe what you notice about Lilly's relationship to her father and mother. How does she orient differently to each? How does this relate to her future behavior and personality as a woman? Discuss it with your partner and friends. What emerges in these discussions that you could observe?

 

 


 

 

EXERCISE 21.6

 

Discuss the following article on the history of marriage. What is your position?

 

From:  http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/opinion/341867_marriage02.html

Last updated November 30, 2007 4:31 p.m. PT

It's time to roll back the clock on marriage Licenses used to provide for dependents

STEPHANIE COONTZ

OLYMPIA -- Why do people -- gay or straight -- need the state's permission to marry? For most of Western history, they didn't, because marriage was a private contract between two families. The parents' agreement to the match, not the approval of church or state, was what confirmed its validity.

For 16 centuries, Christianity also defined the validity of a marriage on the basis of a couple's wishes. If two people claimed they had exchanged marital vows -- even out alone by the haystack -- the Catholic Church accepted that they were validly married.

In 1215, the church decreed that a "licit" marriage must take place in church. But people who married illicitly had the same rights and obligations as a couple married in church: Their children were legitimate; the wife had the same inheritance rights; the couple was subject to the same prohibitions against divorce.

Not until the 16th century did European states begin to require that marriages be performed under legal auspices. In part, this was an attempt to prevent unions between young adults whose parents opposed their match.

The American colonies officially required marriages to be registered, but until the mid-19th century, state supreme courts routinely ruled that public cohabitation was sufficient evidence of a valid marriage. By the later part of that century, however, the United States began to nullify common-law marriages and exert more control over who was allowed to marry.

By the 1920s, 38 states prohibited whites from marrying blacks, "mulattos," Japanese, Chinese, American Indians, "Mongolians," "Malays" or Filipinos. Twelve states would not issue a marriage license if one partner was a drunk, an addict or a "mental defect." Eighteen states set barriers to remarriage after divorce.

In the mid-20th century, governments began to get out of the business of deciding which couples were "fit" to marry. Courts invalidated laws against interracial marriage, struck down other barriers and even extended marriage rights to prisoners.

But governments began relying on marriage licenses for a new purpose: as a way of distributing resources to dependents. The Social Security Act provided survivors' benefits with proof of marriage. Employers used marital status to determine whether they would provide health insurance or pension benefits to employees' dependents. Courts and hospitals required a marriage license before granting couples the privilege of inheriting from each other or receiving medical information.

In the 1950s, using the marriage license as a shorthand way to distribute benefits and legal privileges made some sense because almost all adults were married. Cohabitation and single parenthood by choice were very rare.

Today, however, possession of a marriage license tells us little about people's interpersonal responsibilities. Half of all Americans aged 25 to 29 are unmarried, and many of them already have incurred obligations as partners, parents or both. Almost 40 percent of America's children are born to unmarried parents. Meanwhile, many legally married people are in remarriages where their obligations are spread among several households.

Using the existence of a marriage license to determine when the state should protect interpersonal relationships is increasingly impractical. Society has already recognized this when it comes to children, who can no longer be denied inheritance rights, parental support or legal standing because their parents are not married.

As Nancy Polikoff, an American University law professor, argues, the marriage license no longer draws reasonable dividing lines regarding which adult obligations and rights merit state protection. A woman married to a man for just nine months gets Social Security survivor's benefits when he dies. But a woman living for 19 years with a man to whom she isn't married is left without government support, even if her presence helped him hold down a full-time job and pay Social Security taxes. A newly married wife or husband can take leave from work to care for a spouse, or sue for a partner's wrongful death. But unmarried couples typically cannot, no matter how long they have pooled their resources and how faithfully they have kept their commitments.

Possession of a marriage license is no longer the chief determinant of which obligations a couple must keep, either to their children or to each other. But it still determines which obligations a couple can keep -- who gets hospital visitation rights, family leave, health care and survivor's benefits. This may serve the purpose of some moralists. But it doesn't serve the public interest of helping individuals meet their care-giving commitments.

Perhaps it's time to revert to a much older marital tradition. Let churches decide which marriages they deem "licit." But let couples -- gay or straight -- decide if they want the legal protections and obligations of a committed relationship.

Stephanie Coontz, a professor of history at The Evergreen State College, is the author of "Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage." Copyright 2007 The New York Times.

The above is from: http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/opinion/341867_marriage02.html


 

 

EXERCISE 21.7

 

Discuss and comment on the advice given in the article below. What is the counselor's first focus in terms of a solution: is it what the wife complained about -- her husband, or is the focus on the wife, how to fix her? What perspective does this indicate about the counselor's model of the marriage relationship? Does the woman receive the mental tools that she needs to overcome her problem? What would you recommend from the perspective of the unity model?

I just don't think I'm his main priority or main source of happiness,
and I feel I never will be

From:  http://www.chicagotribune.com/chi-1203talesdec03,1,6494538.column?coll=chi_home_util

 

With creativity, new mom can boost lagging marriage

Cheryl Lavin | Tales from the Front December 3, 2007

I've been with Frank for more than 10 years. We've been married for six years and have a year-old daughter. We have a fairly good marriage, except for one major problem -- his need to go to a bar with his friends. On weeknights, he'll leave at 8 p.m. and be home by 1 a.m. On the weekends, he'll be home around 3 a.m. I've asked him to come home earlier, but he refuses.

I understand that guys need to be with guys to chill out, watch the game, have a few beers, play pool, etc.

What I'm upset about is that the nights he is home, he's exhausted. It makes me sad that I never get to experience fun, happy Frank. Instead, I'm stuck with overworked, dull Frank.

Cheryl Lavin Bio | E-mail | Recent columns

There's no spontaneity in our marriage, and whatever plans are made, I make. It's very tiring, and I'm drained. I stay home and take care of our daughter all day, and sometimes the only communication I have is with Frank when he gets home.

He has his friends, and I have mine, but we have no friends in common. I feel very lonely when he's out. With a baby, it's hard for me to be out at night. Most of my socializing is during the weekend days.

Our sex life isn't that great either. It's usually me pursuing him, and most of the time he's too tired to have sex. I don't think he's cheating on me, but it's possible. We've been in counseling and it did help, but nothing has worked.

I've considered leaving, but Frank's a great dad, and with a new baby and me not working, it would be difficult. Also, it's not that I don't love him, I just don't think I'm his main priority or main source of happiness, and I feel I never will be. Should I leave? I can't imagine living like this forever.

-- Bar Widow

Dear Bar Widow:

Let's break your problems down. No. 1: You're a new mother, home alone every day with a baby. You're dying for adult conversation and companionship. You need to enroll you and your daughter in some classes. Join a gym that has day care. Get out of the house, meet other new mothers and make new friends.

Get a baby-sitter one night a week so that you can go out with a girlfriend and see a movie, have dinner and a few drinks, go shopping. Join a book club. Take a class. In other words, make your life better, fuller, more interesting and more exciting without your husband. We'll get to him in a minute.

The second issue is your resentment of being the social director of your marriage. In most marriages, the wife makes the plans. Accept this, don't resent it. Then accept the challenge of coming up with something -- anything -- you and your husband can enjoy together. There must be something he likes besides hanging out with the guys. What did you do when you were first dating?

Rent a movie you'd both enjoy. Get some books on how to spice up your marriage. Show him a few new tricks. Get tickets to a concert or a sporting event. Watch sports with him. Make him a special dinner.

It's the holidays. Invite his bar buddies and their wives and girlfriends over to your house for a potluck dinner. Get to know them. Enlist the other women in thinking of some fun activities. Put some imagination into your nights together.

The third issue is fairness. You have to sit Frank down and explain that he's not being fair to you and you're not willing to put up with it anymore. He can't give all his energy to his friends and have nothing left for you and expect you to be satisfied. If he loves you and wants to be married to you, he needs to compromise.

The above is from:  http://www.chicagotribune.com/chi-1203talesdec03,1,6494538.column?coll=chi_home_util

 


 

 

EXERCISE 21.8

 

Read what is presented in the article below about three couples. Comment from the perspective of the ennead charts that you have studied in this course. Comment also on the psychologist's advice for a happy marriage. How do his recommendations fit the ennead chart zones?

 

From:  http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22847377-5006012,00.html

 

Love actually

By Vanessa Waters   December 02, 2007 12:00am

WHAT keeps a relationship going through tough times?
We speak to three couples to find out.

(...)

Osnat Marshall (33) and Cameron Marshall (34) have been together for six years and are expecting their first child.

Cameron: Osnat and I had been living together for a year when I went to Israel to meet her family. My bag got lost so when I arrived in Israel I didn’t have any clothes, and then the war in Iraq started. I’d met Osnat’s dad a few times in the first week and then he was tragically killed by a car crossing the road. We went through the whole Jewish mourning period, which was something really different for me.

We overcame that time with lots of hugs and kisses and by talking a lot. The whole experience definitely made us stronger.

As a man I obviously can’t think like a woman, but it’s important for me to respect, listen and try to understand her. It can be hard because we are made up differently, so it’s good if you can understand that, be aware of it and give her the space she needs, or the opposite – be close to her when she needs it.

Osnat: When we first met, the language barrier was very hard. I am Israeli and spoke French and Hebrew and Cam spoke English, but when we started talking, it just felt right.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to come back to Australia after my dad died because it felt like the end of the world for me. At the same time my application for Australian residency was rejected. I was extremely lucky to have Cam with me as he is so gentle and understanding.

My advice for marriage? We are one, but you have to remember your husband is a different person and you can’t control him or predict what he is going to do. Just plan to know each other more, and learn about the other person’s needs. Surprise each other as well; that can be positive. Have fun now and deal with the big things when they come.

Josephine McAleer (49) and Tim McAleer (53) have been married for over 20 years and have two children.

Tim: I think we seek that which complements us, because Josephine and I are total opposites in every way. It gets pretty tempestuous at times, but for me it’s really simple – there is nobody else I want.

The biggest destroyer of relationships is trying to change somebody else’s behaviour. A time that was hard for us was when Josephine was studying for her masters degree. As much as I could respect and admire her for going back to university, it drove me mad because I felt she was ignoring the family and there was a huge amount of friction between us.

But I learnt to accept that the only person’s behaviour I can change is my own, and to allow the other person to self-actualize and be who they have to be. I think love should be nurturing. A lot of what passes for love in our society isn’t that at all; it’s about ownership, control or making yourself look good. But if you are in the relationship for the other person to be bigger, stronger, better and brighter, then you are loving that person.

Josephine: Tim is a very bright man, has a lot of integrity and is someone I have always respected. We do butt heads and I don’t think we will ever stop. Initially, I thought, “This is not going to work”, but it was about getting to a place where I felt assured that conflict did not mean the end of our relationship. And while our personalities are different, our fundamental values are very much the same.

One of the best things we did was go to a marriage counsellor, who gave us certain rules for engagement – now we won’t interrupt each other, raise our voices or call each other names. For me, love is trust. It’s knowing that Tim is not going to walk out the door if I mess up. He is going to catch me if I stumble and won’t let me fall.

Ethel May and Norman Treleaven are both in their nineties. They met just before World War II and have been married for over 65 years.

Norman: The best thing that has ever happened to me was when May said “Yes”. She was my first and only girlfriend and after 65 years together I am still in love with her. The secret is to give and take. I

It’s impossible to have it all your own way. If you are determined to get your own way, you’ll have a row. The relationship will finish. When two people with strong personalities are together one has to give way, or you part. Just work it out. Know how to say, “Yes, dear.”

It is also good to please one another. May is often unwell, so I like to spoil her and I’m sure it helps. I know what she likes. When you are happily married you want to do things together. We are happy in one another’s company.

Even now we get up and go for a walk together before breakfast. I strongly recommend marriage. It’s the friendship, the company, it’s knowing you always have something to work towards. When you are on your own it can be lonely, but being married has so many benefits. It’s life! I don’t know what I’d do without her.

May: When we got married, Norm’s mother said to me, “May, if ever you have a row with Norm, don’t go to bed until you have straightened it out.” You can be cranky and snub one another all day, but come night we say we are sorry.

When I first had the stroke Norm had to do everything – for 10 years he did all the housework and looked after me. Even now I can hardly bend and I have trouble balancing, so Norm dries my hair, puts my shoes on, gets the bed ready.

Just the other night, Norm turned to me and said, “I love you still!” Even after all this time we are in love and just want to be with one another.

Tips for a successful marriage

Dr John Gottman, psychologist, relationship expert and co-author of The New York Times bestseller, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work (Crown) offers these tips for achieving a happy union:

* Focus on the bright side – In a happy marriage couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. A good marriage must have a climate of positivity.

* Edit yourself – Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.

* Have high standards – Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who refuse to accept hurtful behaviour from another. The lower the tolerance for bad behaviour in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.

* Seek help early – The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems, meaning that the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.

* Learn to repair and exit the argument – Successful couples know how to exit an argument and repair the situation before it gets out of hand. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humour; making it clear you are on common ground; backing down (in marriage, as in martial arts, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way. If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.

The above is from:  http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22847377-5006012,00.html

 

 


 

For further information about Swedenborg's Writings see the online lecture notes for Psychology 459 G28 Lecture Notes for the Study of Theistic Psychology at:  www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic/mental-anatomy.htm  


 

Readings

 

  1. Gender Discourse by Deborah Tannen (Oxford University Pres, 1994)

  2. The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage by Laura Schlessinger (Harper/Collins Publishers, 2007)

  3. The Lazy Husband by Joshua Coleman (St. Martin's Press, 2005)

  4. Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage by Leon James (2008). Online Lecture Notes available here
      www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy28/409b-g28-lecture-notes.htm

  5.  Conjugial Love by Emanuel Swedenborg (1763). Available online as Married Love at:
       
    www.swedenborgdigitallibrary.org/contets/cltc.html

Prior Generation Student Reports

Prior Generation Student Reports

My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage

 

Reports From Generation 27 (Spring 2008)

(Note: Students wrote six reports, as indicated at the end of each file name)

1.      http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/alexander/alexander-report1.htm

2.      http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/nacapoy/nacapoy-report1.htm

3.      http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/salviejo/salviejo-report1.htm

4.      http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/alexander/alexander-report2.htm

5.      http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/oconnell/oconnell-report2.htm

6.      http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/salviejo/salviejo-report2.htm

7.      http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/yogi/yogi-report2.htm

8.      http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/garcia/garcia-report2.htm

9.      http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/ishikawa/ishikawa-report2.htm

10.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/lee/lee-report2.htm

11.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/zhang/zhang-report2.htm

12.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/botelho/botelho-report2.htm

13.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/valenzuela/report2.htm

14.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/nieto/nieto-report2.htm

15.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/Ushijima/ushijima-report3.htm

16.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/alexander/alexander-report4.htm

17.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/nacapoy/nacapoy-report4.htm

18.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/oconnell/oconnell-report4.htm

19.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/schmeling/report4.htm

20.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/ozaki/ozaki-report4.htm

21.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/botelho/botelho-report4.htm

22.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/yogi/yogi-report4.htm

23.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/alexander/alexander-report5.htm

24.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/ishikawa/ishikawa-report5.htm

25.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/oconnell/oconnell-report5.htm

26.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/washington/washington-report5.htm

27.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/alexander/alexander-report6.htm

28.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/Ushijima/ushijima-report6.htm

29.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/yogi/yogi-report6.htm

30.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/nacapoy/nacapoy-report6.htm

31.  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2008/garcia/garcia-report6.htm

 

Reports From Generation 26 (Spring 2007)

  1. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/kwon/kwon-409b-g26-report1.htm

  2. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/gorman/gorman-409b-g26-report1.htm

  3. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/sasser/sasser-409b-g26-report1.htm

  4. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/gomes/gomes-409b-g26-report1.htm 

  5. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/wong/wong-report%201.htm

  6. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/aquinomichaels/aquino-409b-g26-report1.htm

  7. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/mosier/mosier-409b-g26-report1.htm

  8. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/rafael/rafael-409b-g26-report1.htm

  9. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/blow/blow-409b-g26-report1.htm

  10. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/kawasugi/kawasugi-409b-g26-report1.htm

  11. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/wong/wong-report%201.htm

  12. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/voss/voss-409b-g26-report1.htm

  13. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/atkinson/atkinson-409b-g26-report2.htm

  14. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/gomes/gomes-409b-g26-report2.htm

  15. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/gorman/gorman-409b-g26-report2.htm

  16. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/kawasugi/kawasugi-409b-g26-report2.htm

  17. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/kwon/kwon-409b-g26-report2.htm

  18. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/may/may-409b-g26-report2.htm

  19. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/mosier/mosier-409b-g26-report2.htm

  20. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/rafael/rafael-409b-g26-report2.htm

  21. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/reiber/reiber-report2.htm

  22. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/sasser/sasser-409b-g26-report2.htm

  23. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/voss/voss-409b-g26-report2.htm

  24. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2007/wong/wong-409b-g26-report2.htm

 

Reports From Generation 25 (Fall 2006)

  1. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-409b-g25-report1.htm

  2. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-409b-g25-report2.htm

  3. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/akiyama/akiyama-409b-g25-report1.htm

  4. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/akiyama/akiyama-409b-g25-report2.htm

  5. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/bulda/bulda-409b-g25-report1.htm

  6. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/bulda/bulda-409b-g25-report2.htm

  7. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/kim/kim-409b-g25-report2.htm

  8. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/delapena/delapena-409b-g25-report2.htm

  9. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/murray/murray-409b-g25-report1.htm

  10. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/murray/murray-409b-g25-report2.htm

  11. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/georgeo/georgeo-409b-g25-report2.htm

  12. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/gora/gora-409b-g25-report1.htm

  13. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/gora/gora-409b-g25-report2.htm

  14. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/ide/ide-409b-g25-report1.htm

  15. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/ide/ide-409b-g25-report2.htm

  16. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/afonin/afonin-report1.htm

  17. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/imose/imose-409b-g25-report2.htm

  18. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/long/long-409b-g25-report2.htm

  19. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/malala/malala-409b-g25-report2.htm

 

Reports From Generation 24 (Spring 2006)

  1. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/kanemaru/kanemaru-409b-g24-report2.htm

  2. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/tabon/tabon-409b-g24-report2.htm

  3. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/adams/adams-409b-g24-report2.htm 

  4. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/montague/montague-409b-g24-report2.htm

  5. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/Antonio/antonio-409b-g24-report2.htm

  6. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/lagondino/lagondino-409b-g24-report2.htm

  7. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/stipek/stipek-409b-g24-report2.htm

  8. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/buchner/buchner-409b-g24-report2.htm

  9. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/lau/lau-409b-g24-report2.htm

  10. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/kanemaru/kanemaru-409b-g24-report1.htm

  11. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/saito/saito-409b-g24-report1.htm

  12. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/buchner/buchner-409b-g24-report1.htm

  13. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/stipek/stipek-409b-g24-report1.htm

  14. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/adams/adams-409b-g24-report1.htm

 

Reports From Generation 23 (Fall 2005)

  1. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/takahashi/Takahashi-409b-g23-report2.htm

  2. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/ventrucci/ventrucci-409b-g23-report2.htm

  3. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/funtanilla/funtanilla-409b-g23-report2.htm

  4. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/peters/peters-409b-g23-report2.htm

  5. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/bernstein/bernstein-409b-g23-report2.htm

  6. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/ethier/ethier-409b-g23-report2.htm

  7. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/mcwade/mcwade-409b-g23-report2.htm

  8. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/patinio/patinio-409b-g23-report2.htm

  9. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/ramirez/ramirez-409b-g23-report2.htm

  10. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/paulino/paulino--409b-g23-report2.htm

 

Reports From Generation 22 (Spring 2005)

  1. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/horst/409b-g22-report2.htm

  2. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/kwan/409b-g22-report2.htm

  3. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/kikuchi/409b-g22-report2.htm

  4. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/luney/report2.htm

  5. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/nakamura/409b-g22-report2.htm

  6. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/regucera/409b-g22-report2.htm

 

Reports From Generation 21 (Fall 2004)

  1. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/sabey/409b-g21-report2.htm

  2. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/valle/409b-g21-report2.htm

  3. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/lacy/409b-g21-report2.doc.htm

  4. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/leung/409b-g21-report2.htm

  5. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/garhartt/409b-g21-report2.doc.htm

  6. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/arakawa-longboy/report2.htm

  7. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/Villegas/REPORT%20TWO.htm

 

Reports From Generation 20 (Spring 2004)

 

Gender Unity--Annotated Bibliography

  1. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/duclos/report1.htm
  2. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/shortcake/report1.htm
  3. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/kent/report1.htm
  4. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/howard/report1.htm
  5. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/combs/report%201.htm
  6. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/kent/report1.htm
  7. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/lau_r/paper1.htm
  8. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/liwai/stuff/firstreport.doc

 

Gender Unity--Applied Project

  1. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/ruby_skies/ruby_skies%20report%202.htm
  2. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/howard/report2.htm
  3. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/duclos/report.2.htm
  4. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/combs/report%202.htm
  5. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/kent/report2.htm

 

My Proposal for TV Ratings on Anti-Unity Values (AUV)

  1. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/liwai/report3.htm 
  2. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/shortcake/report3.htm 
  3. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/chrism/report3.htm 
  4. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/ruby_skies/report3.htm 
  5. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/duclos/report3.htm 
  6. www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/howard/report3.htm 

Readings From Earlier Generations:
Student Reports on Gender and Driving

  1. Gender Differences in Driving Norms. Are Men More Aggressive Drivers Than Women? by Sheri Lieberman

  2. Gender Differences in Driving: Society's Effect on Our Driving by Karla Hampp

  3. Gender Differences in Driving: You're Driving me Nuts! by Ike Matsunaga

  4. Gender differences in Driving:subjective or concrete? by Jason Thompson

  5. In Kyung Yang's Report with Review Articles

  6. Lucey's Report on Gender differences Among Drivers

  7. Finta's Review of Gender Differences in Aggressive Driving

  8. Naranjo's Report on Women Drivers

  9. Hatori's Report on Gender Differences

  10. Report on Men and Women Drivers

  11. C. Kawamura--Is There a Gender Difference in Driving?

  12. J. Nakasone--Gender differences: Make your own observations

  13. W. Tagomori--Does Sex Matter in Driving?

  14. I. Yang--Gender Differences in Driving: Not Easy to Prove

 

Please Note:

For additional material not included in these Lecture Notes, consult

Volume 11 The Marriage Relationship and the Doctrine of the Wife in the Theistic Psychology Series at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic/ch11.htm


This is the end of Part 3

Go to:   Part 1  ||  Part 1b || Part 2 ||  Part 2b  ||  Part 3  ||  Part 4


Note: You can read, search, or access all of the Swedenborg Reports (or the Writings of Swedenborg) at these Web sites:

http://www.e-swedenborg.com/writings/books.htm 

http://www.e-swedenborg.com/index.html

http://theheavenlydoctrines.org 

http://www.smallcanonsearch.com/

http://www.swedenborgdigitallibrary.org/contets/AC.htm (various topics in AC)


Back to G28 Class Home Page:  www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy28/classhome-g28.htm 

Back to Leon James Home:  www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/leon.html