Do not become
archivists of facts.
Try to penetrate to the secret of their
occurence, persistently search for the laws which govern them.
--Ivan Pavlov
(Yes, that Pavlov.)
How difficult was this week's task (lumping all the sub-tasks together)?
Circle one.
Very Easy 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Very hard
This week's rating= 6
How much negative emotions did it cost you, in all?
Very Little 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Very much
This week's rating= 9
How valuable for later use is this knowledge or skill going to be
for you?
Not useful 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Very useful
This week's rating= 6
How likely is it that you'll be getting good at this week's tasks?
Not likely 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Quite likely
This week's rating= 9
How satisfied are you with the computer and Internet systems?
Not satisfied 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Very satisfied
This week's rating= 6
How hard did you try to get through this week's tasks?
Gave up easily 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Refused to give up
This week's rating= 6
This week has been an odd one, and my ratings reflect this. As far as difficulty, this week's task has not been any more difficult than previous tasks. The assignment was fairly straightforward, and it appears to be simply building on what we have already accomplished, but...My main difficulties this week were threefold:
My fossilized errors, Dios mio, included:
Somewhere in my head, I kept pressing and believing
that if I just pressed hard enough, I could force information to the
forefront. My lobes did not agree, and neither did my ego.
This showed up a lot this week.
Different days during the week I would work on my assignment, and each
time would do the same log. I just didn't learn; didn't adjust. Some
days I'm glad I don't have to worry about thermoregulation. I'd be long
gone...I'm not a natural adaptor, you know? I would need notes on which
degree would cook me and which would freeze me.
Yes, I know. I make the mistake of thinking it will be just as easy without the diskette.
I don't even know about this one.
Perhaps this is the case with students who drop out of the
Internet-related courses. Having the Internet as a textbook is at times
more novel than comfortable, more challenge than resource. For many, I
believe, this is the only course in the Fall schedule with such a
setup. How to incorporate, how does one reconcile an interactive textbook
with this semester's (and years and years of these) static ones? This can be such an unexpected obstacle, it may be the
end of any attempt to continue an Internet-dependent course. Something
new to learn, and it means a new way to learn it? Graded? WHAT? This is
twofold, and for some, three credits are not worth it.
For myself, I know I can overcome this strange week of lacunae (this
word will somehow be on the GRE, bet you five bucks) because of past
successes and a sense of anxiety which has always been a characteristic
of mine. But for those who do not have these few successes, what is
there to bolster confidence?
Later use...there will have to be later use. Copying a file (home
page, set up, simple HTML format), will be invaluable when working with
another person's file, modifying it, building on it, understanding why a
document looks the way it does and what commands change its appearance.
The entire week's task will save time in the near future: for personal
indication of important information within a document
(modifying it with a larger font), or editing instructions irrelevant to
current use while retaining the original document for reference or
further inclusion. The question of time is also becoming pressing.
Minimalizing time spent on the Internet while maximizing
efficiency and productivity is a long-term goal of mine. In recent
weeks, my environment has been generous in its stability. This has
changed, and I will not have the resources necessary to continue with so
much exploration. (But you know, I wish so much it were
otherwise...) Once mastered, this week's task may provide me
with all conceivable templates/formats for my documents and any other
interactions.
It is likely (I see it as a must) that I will achieve some degree of
proficiency at this week's task. I do see the use, and it is also
something other: I absolutely refuse to be put off and closed to a task,
to keep this weird week the way it is. To go back and fix/finish my tasks
(and fixing and tinkering something may be the only constant
expectancy on the Internet) erases my feeling of inadequacy. If I am
able to return to an uncompleted task and do it, I feel as though the
frustration never happened, and more: I am triumphant over some part of
myself. Isn't that everyone's wish? To change past mistakes, fill in
past blanks? And the part of me that sat here, sits here each week and
leaves something empty and feels ignorant, is gone. I see that on the
Internet, on the screen, in class. And it may be part of my addiction as
a whole; I'm not certain.
It is at this point that I admit my hours on the Internet are more than
only exploring for the sheer enjoyment of exploring. One of my favourite quotes from Amelia Earhart is on
just that. Part of my addiction is in knowing I have
accomplished (what is for me) a novel thing. It is hard to come from
knowing nothing about e-mail to navigating the Internet, and it has
been difficult for me at times. Another reason I am addicted to my 30+
hour per week Internet schedule involves recognition of these
achievements, though this is a humbling realisation and a humiliating
admission. I would like to believe this may be the case for others, but
I won't drag anybody into the pride-pit with me.
It is now the fourth week of our Internet class, and I am satisfied with
the computer and the Internet systems as themselves more and more.
(Yeah, this week I'm not satisfied with me, but those systems are as
satisfying as before.) I am discovering contacts to Texas A & M
University (graduate school possibility) and a professor I know there,
and I am comforted in a strange way by the solidity of a terminal.
It breaks the small world around me, and takes me to the large world, where
whatever you dream, you can create. It just takes time to figure out
exactly how to create it. It is a more colourful world, with more humor
and personality than face-to-face interactions at times. There are those
who say that interactive systems become a veritable black hole, and
people who enter fully into it are never seen again (actually, maybe
months later, when the house starts to smell and people begin to wonder
where you are and if you've fallen ill...but really, you just need a major
bath and haircut, and maybe a big bottle of Clear Eyes). As I understand
it, the claim is that so much Internet interaction results in less and
less human interaction, face-to-face, mano a mano, whatever. If this is
the case, why? If there is something more infinitely attractive and
interesting than a person, I do not believe this is the fault of the
Internet. It may be (oh mama, could I get killed for this) simply that
people have returned to an external focus and have not taken the time or
effort to enliven their personality, or their interests, or to develop a
sense of humor. It may be there is more substance to the Internet
personality. There has to be, in fact. (How many people do you
know with a sign round the neck saying, "This person has been visited
0001456 times since January 4, 1995"? But homepages, boy, you've got
to be interesting. You've got a meter.) Odd to say, since this
personality is nothing but electricity over the wire, but can be true. There is no veil
of skin and distraction to cover over who a person is.
But then again, I'm spending far too much time at the
terminal, so I'm probably really, really, really, WAY too
biased. Sorry.
Did I try hard? I did not try to accomplish this week's task with the same
intensity as in previous weeks. The rating is very low because the
rating was arrived at not only using a scale of 1-10, but also in
comparison to
what I know I have been able to do. This comes from
disappointment in myself, and it is how I truly feel.
I was not able to finish the task; I could not even move past the first
subtask. It is like being stuck in tar. I struggle and struggle, and
somehow I get nowhere. It is not the computer; it is not the system. It
is me.
Whatever progression may have been made has left me temporarily, and I am
developing an odd feeling about my future on the Internet. This lady's
future is not
entirely devoid of hope, though. I can only conclude that when learning
something as novel and complex (it really is; I cannot say otherwise) as
the Internet in an environment as old and conditioned as University in
Hawaii, 1995...it is easy to quit. My class is getting smaller.
What would I do to correct these errors? What will I do to remember my
URL? My diskette? My previous skills? I would
need to incorporate a
small quiet time before I begin my work, and block other stressors. It will
not do when dealing with pure thought to have a mind muddy as this. If
approached with calm, the rest will follow. Then perhaps the sheer
obstinancy in refusing to look at my notes will be less rooted, and maybe
the frustration will be a little more forgiving. I need to look at my notes
more. In the past few weeks, I have studied a printout of helpful hints
during lunch or small moments. It helps. A review of my 409 notes from
weeks past (when I'm not sitting at a terminal feeling awful) might help as
well. I cannot allow the stress of navigating the Internet anew
exacerbate the stress of accomplishing a new task. When I was very
stressed, I did look at files that contained letters of encouragement.
This helped me stay at the terminal for just that much longer, to try
again. I will use these more often. It is the small bit of
encouragement which makes a difference for me sometimes.
To feel valued, to know, even if only once in a while,
that you can do a job well is an absolutely marvelous feeling. --Barbara Walters
FeelTheE-mail,BeTheE-mail:lmorita@hawaii.edu