Selection from Chapter 11 “The Marriage Relationship”
in Theistic Psychology (2004) by
Available online at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic
11.4.10 The Wife's Role in
Heavenly Marriages
First read the following delightful story from
Swedenborg's book Conjugial Love (1743). I will then comment on what information
we can extract from it.
CL 56. The second
account:
One time, while
speaking with angels in the spiritual world, I was filled with a pleasant wish
to see the
They said,
"Follow the light, and you will find it."
And I said,
"What do you mean, follow the light?"
They said,
"Our light grows brighter the closer we get to that temple. Follow the
light, therefore, in the direction it grows brighter. For our light emanates
from the Lord as the sun of this world, and so, regarded in itself, that light
is wisdom."
In the company of
two angels I then went in the direction that the light grew brighter, and I
ascended by a steep path to the top of a certain hill which was in the southern
zone, where I found a magnificent gate. When the guard saw the angels with me,
he opened it, and behold, I saw an avenue of palm trees and laurels, which we
followed. The avenue curved around and ended up at a garden, in the middle of
which stood the
As I looked around
in the garden, I saw some smaller buildings, replicas of the temple, with wise
men in them. We went over to one of the buildings, and we spoke at the entrance
with the receptionist there, telling him the reason for our coming and the way
we had arrived. And the receptionist said, "Welcome! Come in, have a seat,
and let us spend some time together in conversations of wisdom."
[2] I saw inside
that the building was divided into two sections, and yet the two were still
one. It was divided into two sections by a transparent partition, but it looked
like one room because of the partition's transparency, which was like the
transparency of the purest crystal. I asked why it was arranged like that.
The receptionist
said, "I am not alone. My wife is with me, and though we are two, yet we
are not two but one flesh."
To which I replied,
"I know you are wise, but what does a wise man or wisdom have to do with a
woman?"
At this, with some
feeling of annoyance, the receptionist's expression changed, and he stretched
out his hand, and suddenly, then, other wise men were present from the
neighboring buildings. To them he said with amusement, "Our visitor here
says he wants to know what a wise man or wisdom has to do with a woman!"
They all laughed at
this and said, "What is a wise man or wisdom apart from a woman or apart
from love? A wife is the love of a wise man's wisdom."
[3] But the
receptionist said, "Let us join together now in some conversation of
wisdom. Let the conversation be about causes, today the reason for the beauty
in the female sex."
So they then spoke
in turn. And the first speaker gave this reason, that women were created by the
Lord to be forms of affection for the wisdom in men, and affection for wisdom
is beauty itself.
The second speaker
gave this reason, that woman was created by the Lord through the wisdom in man,
because she was created from man, and that she is therefore a form of wisdom
inspired by the affection of love. And because the affection of love is life
itself, a woman is a form of the life in wisdom, while the male is a form of
wisdom, and the life in wisdom is beauty itself.
The third speaker
presented this reason, that women have been given a perception of the delights
in conjugial love. And because their whole body is an instrument of that
perception, the abode where the delights of conjugial love dwell with their
perception cannot help but be a form of beauty.
[4] The fourth
speaker gave this reason, that the Lord took beauty and grace of life from man
and transferred them into woman, and that is why a man not reunited with his
beauty and grace in woman is stern, severe, dry and unattractive, and also not
wise except for his own sake alone, in which case he is a dunce. On the other
hand, when a man is united with his beauty and grace of life in a wife, he
becomes agreeable, pleasant, full of life and lovable, and therefore wise.
The fifth speaker
gave this reason, that women were created to be beauties, not for their own sake,
but for the sake of men, so that men's natural hardness might become softer,
the natural solemnness of their dispositions more amiable, and the natural
coldness of their hearts warmer. And this is what happens to them when they
become one flesh with their wives.
[5] The sixth
speaker offered this reason, that the universe created by the Lord is a most
perfect work, but nothing is created in it more perfect than a woman attractive
in appearance and becoming in behavior, in order that a man may thank the Lord
for such a gift and repay it by receiving wisdom from Him.
After these and
several other similar views were expressed, one of the wives appeared through
the crystal-like partition, and she said to her husband, "Speak, if you
wish."
And when he spoke,
the life in his wisdom from his wife was perceived in his speech, for her love
was in the tone of his voice. Thus did experience bear witness to the truth
expressed.
After this we
looked at the
Let us now analyze this passage. The following facts can be extracted.
(1) Wisdom is the state of becoming enlightened when
men and women receive spiritual light into the natural mind. Their mind is then
like a paradise of lovely gardens, such as appear around the dwelling places of
couples in conjugial love. The spiritual light enlightens the natural mind when
we read the Writings, acknowledging it as the Divine Truth spoken by the Divine
Human and expressed in a natural language. This is the meaning of the "
(2) The mind of the conjugial husband is not independent or single. It is always filled with the wife's affections and wishes. There is never a moment when the wife is not present in the conjugial husband's mind because he continuously cleaves to her affections and wishes that he memorizes, internalizes, and appropriates as-if they were his own. Her mental presence in his mind creates a conjoint mind in which there is a "transparent partition" so that the two minds form a conjoint self, just like two rooms separated by a glass partition look like just one room. But when the husband acts from his own affections and wishes, his mind and her mind are divided by a brick wall, not a transparent partition. He cannot become a conjugial husband as long as he is unwilling to align his thinking in accordance with her affections and wishes, thereby removing the brick wall and installing the transparent partition.
(3) "A wife is the love of a wise man's wisdom." In a conjugial couple, it is the wife who supplies the will for the couple's interactions with each other. The husband who is practicing being conjugial does not wish to act from his own will, but from his wife's will only. This means that he desires to consult his wife's affections and wishes before he can rightly act through his own wisdom and understanding. He does not wish to act or decide anything on his own, from his own understanding and inclinations, until he has aligned them to be acceptable and harmonious to his wife's affections and wishes. It says that a wife is the love of a "wise man's" wisdom because if the husband is not a "wise man," the conjugial wife cannot be the love of his unwisdom. When a husband goes after his own affections and understanding, which are contrary to the wife's wishes, he is in unwisdom. The wife cannot be the love of that unwisdom.
(4) The wife "is a form of wisdom inspired by the affection of love." The wife's affections and wishes are expressions of her conjugial love which she has in herself inborn from nativity.
Quoting from the Writings:
CL 224. (xv) Where truly conjugial love exists, this sphere is received by the wife and is only received by the husband through the wife.
The fact that in the case of those who enjoy truly conjugial love this sphere is received by the husband solely through his wife is today a secret. (CL 224)
CL 224. Since everyone, man and woman alike, is enveloped in a sphere of life, densely in front and thinly at the back, it is plain why husbands who are deeply in love with their wives turn towards them and during the day smile kindly on them. Conversely those who do not love their wives turn away from them, and during the day withdraw their gaze when they see them. The way the conjugial sphere is received by the husband solely through his wife allows truly conjugial love to be recognised and distinguished from spurious, false or cold conjugial love. (CL 224)
CL 393. VI. THAT THIS SPHERE AFFECTS THE FEMALE SEX, THUS MOTHERS, PRINCIPALLY, AND THE MALE SEX, OR FATHERS, FROM THEM. This is a consequence due to the same origin that was previously spoken of [no. 222], namely, that the sphere of conjugial love is received by women, and through women is transferred to men (CL 393)
CL 409. conjugial love is implanted in every woman from creation (CL 409)
CL 88. [2] A man therefore possesses two loves. One, which comes first, is the love of being wise, and the other, which comes later, is the love of wisdom. But if this second love remains with a man, it is a wicked love, called pride in or love of one's own intelligence. It will be proved in the following pages that it has been provided from creation that, to prevent this love being his ruin, it was taken from the man and copied into the woman, so becoming conjugial love which makes him whole again. (CL 88).
CL 331. [2] Their second conclusion was, 'We women are designed by birth to be the love of our husbands' intelligence. If therefore men love their own intelligence, this cannot be united with its true love, which resides with the wife. And if the husband's intelligence is not united with its true love residing with the wife, pride turns intelligence into folly, and conjugial love becomes coldness. Can any woman unite her love with coldness? And can any man unite the folly of his pride with the love of intelligence?' (CL 331)
CL 216r. [repeated] (7) Conjugial love has its seat in chaste wives, but their love depends on their husbands. The reason is that wives are born forms of love, and it is therefore innate in them to wish to be one with their husbands. They also continue to feed their love with this thought of their will. Consequently to turn away from their effort to unite themselves with their husbands would be to turn away from their very natures. It is different with husbands. Because they are not born forms of love, but are receivers of that love from their wives, therefore to the degree that they receive it, to that degree their wives enter into them with their love. But to the degree they do not receive it, their wives stand outside with their love and wait. This is what happens, however, in the case of chaste wives. It is otherwise in the case of unchaste ones. It follows from this that conjugial love has its seat in chaste wives, but that their love depends on their husbands. (CL 216r)
CL 457. (12) For the conjugial union of one man with one wife is the precious jewel of human life and the repository of Christian religion. These two points are ones we have already demonstrated universally and singly in the entire preceding part on conjugial love and the delights of its wisdom. Conjugial love is the precious jewel of human life because the character of a person's life is such as the character of that love in him, that love forming the inmost element of his life. For it is the life of wisdom dwelling together with its love, and of love dwelling together with its wisdom, and thus it is the life of the delights of both. In a word, a person is a living soul as a result of that love. That is why we call the conjugial union of one man with one wife the precious jewel of human life.
[2] This conclusion is supported by observations made above: that truly conjugial friendship, trust and potency are possible with only one wife, because only then is there a union of minds (nos. 333, 334); that in and from that union spring the celestial blessings, spiritual felicities and natural delights which from the beginning have been provided for people who are in a state of truly conjugial love (no. 335); that this love is the fundamental love of all celestial, spiritual, and consequently natural loves (nos. 65-67); and that into this love have been gathered all joys and all delights, from the first to the last of them (nos. 68, 69). Moreover, in Delights of Wisdom Relating to Conjugial Love, which forms Part One of this work, it was fully shown that regarded in its origin, this love is the interplay of wisdom and love. (CL 457)
The wife's conjugial love is continuously renewed and received from the Lord on a moment by moment basis from birth to eternity. It says that a wife is a "form of wisdom" because conjugial love creates in her the highest form of human wisdom called "Sarah" in the Word (Abraham's wife). The husband is born a form of wisdom which is spiritual wisdom, and therefore is a lower form of wisdom than the wife's wisdom, which is celestial. This is why in conjugial couples, it is the husband who aligns his understanding to the wife's understanding in all things pertaining to their relationship and interactions. Higher loves receive higher wisdom and conjugial love is the highest of all loves. Hence it is that wives have the highest wisdom. Therefore husbands who practice becoming conjugial acknowledge and follow their wife's wisdom, honoring it above their own. Husbands who honor their own understanding above that of their wife are not becoming conjugial.
(5) The wife "is a form of the life in wisdom." Whatever wisdom the husband has is useless and is not genuine wisdom, unless "the wife is the life of his wisdom." The conjugial husband always has his wife's life in his mind by internalizing her affections and wishes so that these now rule his mind, not his own affections and wishes that are separate from his wife or contrary to his wife. It says that a wife is the "life" in wisdom because the conjugial husband stores his wife's affections and wishes in his wisdom. If he fails to do this then the husband's own affections and wishes are in his own wisdom. And in that case he is neither a conjugial husband nor a wise one. The wife cannot be the life or love of this husband's lack of wisdom.
(6) The wife is empowered by the Lord to receive "a perception of the delights in conjugial love." Her entire body is a receptor organ ("instrument") that receives conjugial love from the Lord. Her intelligence, wisdom, and perception are the expressions of this love. This is also why the wife is a form of beauty, because beauty is the outward form of her celestial wisdom. The husband is in conjugial cold when he relies on his own wisdom in which are his own affections. But when he internalizes his wife's affections and wishes (that is, her love), then he thinks and acts from her love, and he is called "a wise man." The wife can then conjoin her conjugial love to his genuine wisdom and as a result, his mind becomes like a paradise garden in which conjugial love flows into him from his wife's affections, which he has internalized, honored, and appropriated to be as-if his very own.
(7) A husband who thinks from himself independently
of or contrary to his wife's affections and wishes, is not wise and not
attractive. He is then "not wise except for his own sake alone,"
which is a "dunce." But when he makes his understanding and wisdom to
agree with his wife's affections and wishes, "he becomes agreeable,
pleasant, full of life and lovable, and therefore wise." A husband is said
to act "for his own sake alone" when he is acting from his own
affections and wishes, despite their being contrary to his wife's affections
and wishes. He is then not a wise man but a foolish man (or "dunce").
The wife cannot be conjoined to a foolish husband because her conjugial love
can only be conjoined to genuine wisdom.
(8) A husband who is not aligned with his
wife's affections and wishes is "naturally cold" but when he compels
himself to be in agreement with her wishes, he becomes "softer" and
his "heart becomes warmer." When husbands align their wisdom to agree
with their wife's wishes, "they become one flesh with their wives."
The essence of conjugial love, its peace and happiness, lies in the husband
becoming "one flesh" with his wife. This means that he voluntarily
realigns his thinking to always agree with her affections and wishes.
(9) When a husband thinks and speaks in
agreement with his wife's wishes, "her love is in the tone of his
voice." It is said that "her love" is in "his
voice" because the tone of voice expresses the speaker's love. For a
conjugial husband, the wife's love is in his will and understanding when he
aligns them to be in agreement with his wife's feelings and wishes. But when
the husband does not align his thoughts to agree with his wife's wishes, he is
not a conjugial husband, and when he speaks, the absence of the wife in his
affections is marked by a harsh and severe tone, or else, an insincere or
hypocritical one.
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