Theistic Psychology: 
The Scientific Knowledge of God
Extracted from the
Correspondential Sense of Sacred Scripture

Dr. Leon James
Professor of Psychology
University of Hawaii
Published on the Web in 2004
Latest Update: 2007

Publication Note, Permissions to Use, and Copyright Notice

 The Topical Index to Sections and Reading List is in Volume 18

See also Lectures Notes on Mental Anatomy in Theistic Psychology

This is Volume 11

The Marriage Relationship and
The Doctrine of the Wife

(version 50j)

11.0      Feminizing the Marriage Relationship: The Unity Model
11.1      Marriages in Heaven or Conjugial Love
11.2      Marriages in Hell or Infernal Concubinage
11.3      Three Levels of Unity in Gender Relationship
               11.3.1.1    Mental Anatomy of Women and Men
               11.3.2      Unity Through Reciprocity and Differentiation
               11.3.3      Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction
                11.3.4      Unity Model in Marriage: Ennead Chart of Growth Steps
                11.3.5      Male Dominance Model of Marriage
                               11.3.5.1      How does the husband develop mental intimacy with his wife?
                               11.3.5.2      Political Semantics of the Male Dominance Model
                                                11.3.5.2.1     "Nagging"
                                                11.3.5.2.2      "Give him sex"
                                                11.3.5.2.3      "Don't try to change him"
                                                11.3.5.2.4      "Keep yourself attractive for him"
                                                11.3.5.2.5      "That's how men are"
                                                11.3.5.2.6      "Show that you appreciate him"
                                                11.3.5.2.7      "Wives, submit to your husbands"
                                 11.3.5.3      Does the Male Dominance Model Have a Biblical Grounding?
                                 11.3.5.4      Hellish Marriages and the Female Dominance Model

                   11.3.6  The Spiritual Dimension to the Unity Model
                                  11.3.6.1    Making Field Observations
                                   11.3.6.2    The Ennead Charts of Marriage
                                    11.3.6.3    Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model  
                                                  11.3.6.3.1  Gender Discourse Within the Three Models

                                                                    Part 1: Sexy vs. Unsexy Conversational Style of Husbands
                                                                    Part 2: Spiritual Dynamics Between Husband and Wife
                                                                    Part 3: Conversational Rules for Husbands in Conjugial Interactions

                                                                    Part 4: Characteristics of Husband's Threefold Self During
                                                                                            Discourse -- Table 7aa

                                                                    Part 5: Field Exercise: Monitoring
                                                                                            Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Discourse

                                                                    Examples of Unity Values
                                       
11.3. Six Phases of Temptations for Regenerating Husbands
                                                        11.3.7.1    Overcoming White Temptations
                                                       
11.3.7.2    Overcoming Yellow Temptations
                                                       
11.3.7.3    Overcoming Green Temptations
                                                       
11.3.7.4    Overcoming Blue Temptations
                                                       
11.3.7.5    Overcoming Brown Temptations
                                                       
11.3.7.6    Overcoming Black Temptations

11.4    The Doctrine of the Wife For Husbands

                                              11.4.0    Conjugial Love: The Jewel of Human Life
                                              11.4.1    The Surrendered Wife vs. the Surrendered Husband
                                              11.4.2    The Surrendered Husband is The Ideal Elevated Man
                                              11.4.3    The Self-Entrapment of Male Intelligence
                                             
                                              11.4.4    The Spiritual Physiology of Marriage
                                              11.4.5    Conjunction Dynamics in Marriage
                                                            11.4.5.1    Conjugial Simulations -- Not Fake but Necessity
                                              11.4.6    Her Heaven, Not His
                                              11.4.7    Divine Truth Within Which Is Divine Love
                                              11.4.8     Is The Surrendered Husband Feminized?
                                                            11.4.8.1    Husbands Confess Here: Leon James
                                              11.4.9    The Conjoint Mind Is Both Masculine And Feminine
                                              11.4.10   The Wife's Role in Heavenly Marriages
                                                                11.4.10.1    The Wife is a Form of the Highest Human Wisdom

                                              11.4.11   Part A:  Spiritual Psychobiology of Marriage
                                              11.4.11   Part B:  The Husband's Two Forms of Wisdom:
                                                                                             Intellectual and Moral

                                               11.4.11  Part C:  The Wife's Superior Perception of the Husband's Affections    
                                                               11.4.11.1 The Source of Conjugial Love With Husbands:
                                                                                        The Inner Sense of CL 88

                                                               11.4.11.2    The Circle of Life In Marriage
                                                               11.4.11.3    Two Phases of Achieving Unity in Marriage
                                                11.4.12    Marriage and Doctrine 
                       
11.5     Preparation for Marriage
                      
11.6     Conjugial Love and Children

11.7     The Marriage Relationship Based on Sacred Scripture Described in Modern Islam
            11.7.1    The Definition of God 

The Topical Index to Sections and Reading List is in Volume 18

The quotations from Swedenborg's book on marriage are from:
Swedenborg, Emanuel. (1768) Wisdom's Delight in Marriage ("Conjugial") Love: Followed by Insanity’s Pleasure in Promiscuous Love (abbreviated: Conjugial Love (CL) and Marriage Love). Available online at:
www.swedenborgdigitallibrary.org/contets/cltc.html


11.0  Feminizing the Marriage Relationship: The Unity Model

The "model" in marriage refers to the philosophical belief system of each partners. I have identified three models that are aligned progressively from the early phase of male dominance to the later phase of equity to the final phase of unity. With few exceptions, every marriage starts with the male dominance model which both partners come with based on their cultural background and upbringing. There are couples who appear intellectually opposed to the male dominance model, and see themselves as following the equity or equality model. Dr. Laura Schlessinger's ideal model of marriage is the male dominance model. The popularity of the book indicates that this is the model that many American men are most attracted. Dr. Laura Schlessinger's advice to wives is to allow the husband to remain in the illusion of the male dominance model, and to take actual charge of the relationship. Dr. Laura Schlessinger says that it is the woman who has the real power, because she understands relationships and what's going on with the husband, while the husband is clueless because he is "simple" in mentality. This point of view is the male dominance model.

We will examine what she writes and how she expresses the male dominance model as the ideal for couples to follow. I will point out the assumptions that show her belief in the male dominance model. To be able to bring this out, I will contrast the male dominance model with the equity and unity models. I will try to show that the dominance model is an external phase of the marriage relationship, and that the partners need to progress to further phases in order to make the marriage more internal, involving spiritual loves that are permanent. The equity model is a belief system that couples use to leave behind the male dominance model, on their way to the unity model, which is the true internal marriage of conjugial love. If the marriage partners both enter this unity model phase before passing on, they will be in heaven together to eternity, growing endlessly more interior into the human potential.

The wife can enter into conjugial love more easily than the husband, and if her husband is unwilling to follow her into that phase, she will be in heaven with another mind, her true soul mate who is willing to follow her to her heaven or perfect happiness. The husband who is unwilling to enter the unity phase with any woman, even after arriving in the world of spirits, cannot enter the heaven of his mind, but slips down into his own hell, created by his rejection of rational consciousness and true spirituality. The unity model of marriage is a spiritual and celestial model that represents the relationship of marriage in the heavens. It is described in the book of the Writings known as Conjugial Love (1768).

A wife's heaven is the state of mind she is in where her husband is present with her and united mentally as one. In other words the functioning of her mental organs is dependent on the reciprocal functioning of his mental organs in such a way that they can form a one or unity. And yet absolutely nothing in the wife is like anything in the husband for there is a perfect and total differentiation of all units in mental organics and hence in physical. This reciprocal relationship of differentiation and unity, is like the relationship between the heart and the lungs.

The body's blood circulation and heart correspond to the affective organ in the mind and the lungs and pulmonary system correspond to the cognitive organ. The affective and cognitive organs in the mind work together in synergy, like the heart and lungs in the body. They are two systems that are completely differentiated from each other, each having a structure that is different in all aspects from the other. The differential structure of each organ allows them to serve their own unique function. Neither alone can support the operation of the muscles and sensory nervous system, but together the structural parts interconnect and act appropriately according to the function they each must meet. Together, or in unity of function, they allow the muscles and senses to be alive in their operation.

Marriage is similarly a synergy of the husband and wife operating together through their differentiated structures, to create a unity of minds that allows the two independent people to form a conjugial couple, conjoined internally to eternity and developing together their progressive perfection.

The problems in marriage today are many. Why are there problems with marriage? It is a creation by God to bring about the perfect happiness of two human beings to eternity in heaven. This creation is perfect and there are no problems with it. The perfection of marriage cannot be created by God apart from a man and a woman born on some earth in the natural world within some culture and society.  The perfection of marriage is this: That it a process of growing into a conjugial couple. Two independent individuals, a man and a woman, regardless of culture or personality, regardless of physical size or mental ability, can start the process of growing progressively more and more into a unity, and this to eternity. This independent self-motivated progressive growth is necessary for our happiness and joy to be as much as we can take every day to eternity. Marriage is a perfect creation because it leads to this perfect state of human life. No other mechanism than marriage is given in Divine revelation for achieving the perfection of eternity.

It has also been revealed that the perfection of marriage is a spiritual phenomenon, not natural. Natural marriages which are external without the spiritual within it, are not perfect, and in fact external marriages have many sad and self-destructive characteristics. The power and perfection of marriage is achieved only when the spiritual marriage is also operative within the minds of the husband and wife. The spiritual marriage is called "the marriage of good and truth." This spiritual marriage is the very basis and foundation of regeneration and salvation, that is, of spiritual development towards the perfection of eternity in heaven. The marriage of good and truth is called most holy in the Writings because Divine Good is the same as Divine Love, and Divine Truth is the same as Divine Wisdom, and these are most holy because God Himself in Essence and Form.

It has been revealed that in the Divine-Human there is a most holy marriage of Divine Love and Divine Truth. Infinite love and infinite truth in God make a one, a unity. Nothing about love is like anything about truth, just as nothing about the affective organ is like anything in the cognitive organ. Or again: nothing about a feeling is like anything about a thought. And again: nothing about a woman is like anything in a man. There must be this absolute duality between the elements of the two parts that unite into a perfect oneness. There cannot be a oneness between God and a human being because they are of different substances, God infinite and uncreate, a human being finite and created. The creator cannot become one with the created--this would be a rational impossibility. If it were to happen, the duality between Creator and created would disappear, and neither created nor Creator could then continue to exist.

The total differentiation between man and woman is a representative correspondence of the total differentiation between love and truth in God. The marriage of good and truth in the Divine-Human is the source of perfection of the marriage of a man and a woman, and the source of perfection of the regeneration of an individual's affective and cognitive life. Spiritual development of the individual is the progressive perfection of the marriage in his mind between the will and the understanding, that is, between the operations of the affective organ and those of the cognitive organ. When the affective and cognitive organs are joined by synergy into a unity, the individual is being regenerated, the individual grows spiritually and is made ready for conjugial love. The regenerating husband and the regenerating wife then grow together in the internal spiritual portion of the marriage process.

The earliest generations on this earth are called in the Writings "the Most Ancient Church" or the "Adamic Church." Swedenborg visited them in their heavens where they have lived in conjugial love for many thousands of years, though they themselves have no sense of time or history. They were born on this earth with a celestial mind and they had the ability to communicate directly with those who preceded them in the spiritual world. They entered into the perfect marriage process without resistance or opposition. They were incapable of thinking about non-exclusive relationship or sexuality. When Swedenborg started telling them about the commonness of adultery, infidelity, and promiscuity on this earth in modern times, they were so horrified they could not bear to think about it, and refused to hear any details.

But the celestial mind which was first created on this planet was not complete in its ultimate evolution and perfection. The very fact that they could not contemplate or imagine infidelity or promiscuity created a certain weakness, a certain lack of perfection. They had the wisdom based on the innocence of childhood, but they lacked the wisdom based on the innocence of old age. One symptom of this was the fact that they typically passed on in their early thirties, which was wonderful because their physical bodies did not deteriorate and they were spared the sickness of older ages. But because they lacked the wisdom that develops in old age, their happiness in heaven could not be as great as it would become later, as the generations on earth evolved and become more and more scientific and rational.

The split-brain race that succeeded the celestial mind is called the spiritual race. We are part of this race. Although we are born with inherited evil in our natural mind, we have been given the mechanism by which we can cleanse ourselves from this inheritance. This cleansing process is called regeneration and it takes a life time to achieve. The lifespan of people gradually increased from ancient to modern times and today, we have hundreds of millions of people in every generation that reach old age, giving the human mind on earth the opportunity to develop still further. The wisdom we acquire in old age, when based on Divine revelation, is higher than the wisdom we acquire when younger. By living to a ripe old age our generation has infused new higher wisdom into the conglomerate of the human mind called the Grand Human (see Section xx), which includes the most ancient civilizations that are now alive in their heavens.

There is thus a mutual and interdependent connectivity between all the generations that have ever been born on this and other planets, who are all in the spiritual world in eternity, either in heaven or in hell. The process that creates this Grand Perfection of the human race is unity at all levels, of couples, societies, generations, and worlds. And the unity at all the levels rests on the unity of its constituent level, which is that of the couple. Hence the marriage of a man and a woman is the foundation for the universe and its endless future. These details indicate to you that the sanctity of marriage and sexuality is not merely a moral and religious issue. People have rebelled against morality and religion, claiming freedom from persuasion, dogma, or norm. But people cannot rebel in freedom when they understand rationally why sexual behavior is the foundation of their future and that of the universe.

When you engage in a sexual act, either physically overt or mentally covert, you are on the stage of history and evolution. Sex is not a private act, except in its external physical dimensions. The sex act, physical or mental, is the foundation of the universe. You contribute to this foundation, or you attack it. You attack it by doing or thinking as you please even if it's against the order of reality as revealed by God to the human race. You thereby influence the evolution of the entire human race. A single promiscuous thought that you enjoy and accept as legitimate for you to enjoy, initiates counter-evolutionary forces that add themselves to similar acts by others, and join with them to create a river of counter-evolution or devolvement that eventually creates a human hell in the mind where many are entrapped forever.

Similarly, every time you resist a promiscuous thought or act because you understand its universal consequences, you are evolving the human mind to its progressive perfection--your own mind and the mind of all others who are progressing similarly. Resisting a promiscuous thought and refusing to accept it as legitimate, is called a chaste act. Your chaste act adds itself to all your chaste acts to set you on the road to conjugial love. Furthermore, your chaste acts add themselves to the chaste acts of others who are regenerating, and together they form a river of evolution that creates an ever deeper and more perfect heaven in our mind and in the Grand Human.

When you take this scientific perspective on chastity, sexuality, and marriage, you free yourself from the rebelliousness we feel when told dogmatically or moralistically, that fornication and masturbation will be punished by hell. The rational understanding of it frees you from having to rebel against something obscure and religiously mystical or arbitrary.

The progression of marriage from the male dominance model, to the equity model, and finally to the unity model needs to be examined scientifically and understood rationally. The forces of resistance and opposition we feel in our spiritual progression of marriage are to be analyzed, identified, and neutralized by means of rational arguments and proofs.

11.1  Marriages in Heaven or Conjugial Love

Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture:

CL 27. II MARRIAGES IN HEAVEN

The existence of marriages in the heavens is incredible to those who believe that after death a person becomes a soul or spirit, if their concept of a soul or spirit is that of a tenuous ether or breath. So too it is to those who do not believe that a person can live as a person again until after the day of the Last Judgment, and generally speaking to those who know nothing about the spiritual world, where angels and spirits live, and where the heavens and hells are. Since this world has so far remained unknown, and there is utter ignorance of the fact that the angels of heaven are completely human in form, and likewise the spirits of hell, though less completely human, any revelation about marriages has been impossible. For people would say, 'How can a soul be united with a soul?, or a breath with a breath, as husband and wife are united on earth?' And many more things which, the moment they were uttered, would destroy and scatter belief in marriages there.

Now, however, that many revelations have been made about the spiritual world, and its nature has been described in my books HEAVEN AND HELL and THE APOCALYPSE REVEALED, it is possible to present also arguments in confirmation of the existence of marriage there, even for reason to grasp, as follows:

(i) A person lives on as a person after death.
(ii) A male is then male and a female is female.
(iii) Each person retains his own love after death.
(iv) The chief love is sexual love; and in the case of those who reach heaven, that is, those who become spiritual on earth, it is conjugial love.
(v) These facts have been fully confirmed by eye-witness.
(vi) Consequently there are marriages in the heavens.
(vii) The Lord's statement that after the resurrection people are not given in marriage refers to spiritual weddings.

These arguments will now be developed in sequence. (CL 27)

CL 28. (i) A person lives on as a person after death.
It has not so far been known that a person lives on as a person after death for the reasons which have just been mentioned. It is surprising that this is even true in Christendom, where the Word is known to give enlightenment about everlasting life, and where the Lord Himself teaches that all the dead rise again, and God is not the God of the dead, but of the living (Matt. 22:31, 32; Luke 20:37, 38). Moreover, as far as the affections and thoughts of a person's mind are concerned, he is in the company of angels and spirits, and so closely associated with them that he cannot be torn away from them except by dying. This ignorance is all the more surprising, when everyone who has died from the beginning of creation has come or is coming to his own people, or, as the Word has it, he has been or is being gathered to them.

In addition, people have a general impression, which is none other than the influence of heaven on the inner levels of the mind, which causes him to have an inward perception of truths, and so to speak to see them. This allows him to grasp this truth in particular, that a person continues to live as a person after death, happily if he has led a good life, unhappily if not. Surely everyone has this thought, if he lifts his mind a little above the body and thinks beyond the immediate level of the senses, as happens when he is deep in the worship of God, or when he lies on his death-bed awaiting his last breath, and similarly when he hears people speaking about the departed and their fate.

I have related thousands of facts about the departed, telling their brothers, wives and friends the fate of some of them. I have also written about the fate of the British, the Dutch, the Roman Catholics, the Jews, and the heathen, and about the fate of Luther, Calvin and Melanchthon. But up to the present I have never heard anyone remark, 'How can that be their fate, when they have not yet been resurrected from their graves, since the Last Judgment has not yet taken place? Surely they are in the meantime souls, mere puffs of wind, in some limbo called Pu*?' I have never heard anyone say such things, and this has allowed me to draw the conclusion that each person has a private perception that he lives on as such after death. Does not any husband who loves his wife, his young or older children, say to himself when they are dying or dead, that they are in God's hands, and he will see them again after his own death, and he will again share with them a life of love and joy? (CL 28)

CL 31. It needs to be known that after death a person ceases to be a natural man and becomes a spiritual man, but he looks to himself exactly the same, and is so much the same that he is unaware that he is no longer in the natural world. He has the same kind of body, face, speech and senses, because in affection and thought, or in will and intellect, he remains the same. He is in fact not really the same, because he is then spiritual, and so his inner man. But he cannot see the difference, because he is unable to compare his present state with his earlier, natural, one, since he has put that off and has put on his other state. I have therefore often heard people say that they are quite unaware of not being in their former world, but for the fact that they can no longer see those whom they left in that world, and they do see those who have departed from it, that is, who have died.

The reason, however, why they see the latter but not the former is that they are not natural, but spiritual or substantial* people. A spiritual or substantial person can see a spiritual or substantial person, just as a natural or material person can see another natural or material person. But they cannot see each other because of the difference between the substantial and the material, which is similar to the difference between what is prior and what is posterior. The prior being inherently more pure is invisible to the posterior, which is inherently more gross, nor can the posterior, being more gross, be seen by the prior, which is inherently more pure. It follows that an angel is invisible to a person in this world, and such a person is invisible to an angel.

The reason why a person after death is spiritual or substantial is because this lay hidden within the natural or material person. This served him as a covering, like an outer skin, which on being shed allows the spiritual or substantial person to emerge, so that he is more pure, more inward and more complete. A spiritual person is still a complete person, although invisible to a natural person, as was made plain by the Lord's appearing to the Apostles after His resurrection. He was seen and then later was not seen, and yet He was a man like Himself, when He was seen and then disappeared. They said too that, when they saw Him, their eyes were opened. (CL 31)

CL 32. (ii) A male is then male and a female is female.
Since a person lives on after death, and a person may be male or female, and the male and the female are so different that one cannot change into the other, it follows that after death a male lives on as a male and a female as a female, each of them being spiritual. We say that the male cannot change into the female, nor the female into the male, so that in consequence after death a male is a male and a female is a female, but because it is not known in what masculinity and femininity essentially consist, I must state this briefly here.

The essential difference is that the inmost core of the male is love, and its envelope is wisdom, or what is the same thing, it is love enveloped in wisdom. The inmost core of the female is the wisdom of the male, and its envelope is the love from it. But this is a feminine love, which the Lord gives a wife by means of her husband's wisdom. The other love is a masculine love, a love of being wise, given by the Lord to the husband to the extent that he acquires wisdom. Thus it is that the male is the wisdom of love and the female the love of that wisdom. There is therefore implanted in each from creation a love of being joined into one. But I shall have more to say about these matters in what follows. The female comes from the male, that is, the woman was taken out of man, as is clear from the following passage of Genesis:

Jehovah God took one of the man's ribs and closed up the flesh in its place, and he built up the rib he had taken from the man to make a woman. And he brought her to the man, and the man said, She is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, so it shall be called Ishshah,* because it was taken from man. Gen. 2:21-23.

The meaning of rib and flesh will be given elsewhere. (CL 32)

CL 33. The result of being so formed in the beginning is that the male is by birth a creature of the intellect, the female a creature of the will, or to put the same thing another way, the male acquires from birth an affection for knowing, understanding and being wise, and the female acquires from birth a love of joining herself with that affection in the male. Since what is within forms the outside so as to resemble itself, and the form of the male is that of the intellect, and the form of the female is that of love for it, this is why the male differs from the female in face, voice, and the rest of the body. He has a sterner face, a rougher voice and a stronger body, not to mention a bearded chin, so generally speaking a less beautiful form than the female. There are also differences in their gestures and behaviour. In short, they have no similarity, and yet every detail has the impulse towards union. In fact, there is masculinity in every part of the male, down to the smallest part of his body, and also in every idea he thinks of and every spark of affection he feels; and the same is true of the femininity of the female. Since therefore one cannot change into the other, it follows that after death the male is male and the female is female. (CL 33)

CL 34. (ii) Each person retains his own love after death.
People know about the existence of love, but not what it is. Our common forms of speech tell us that love exists, as when we say that he loves me, the king loves his subjects, the subjects love their king, the husband loves his wife, the mother her children, and they love her. We also talk of one or another as loving his country, his fellow citizens, his neighbour, and the same expression is used of non-personal objects, as in he loves this or that.

But in spite of the universal mention of love in speech, still hardly anyone knows what love is. Since meditation about it cannot form any concept of it in a person's thinking, or bring it into the light of the intellect, because it is not a matter of light, but of heat, he asserts that it is either non-existent, or some influence produced by seeing, hearing and being in a person's company, and so impelling him. He is quite unaware that it is his very life, not just the general vital principle of the whole of his body and of all his thoughts, but the life in every single detail of these. A wise person can grasp this in this way. Suppose we say, 'If you take away the affection of love, can you think of anything? Can you do anything?' Surely to the extent that affection, a part of love, grows cold, so do thought, speech and action, and to the extent that affection grows warm, so do they. Love then is the heat of a person's life, his vital heat, and this alone is the reason blood is hot and also that it is red. These effects arise from the fire of the sun of the heaven of angels, which is unadulterated love. (CL 34)

CL 35. The infinite variety of people's faces is an indication that everyone has his own love, to be distinguished from anyone else's, that is to say, no one has the same love as another. Faces are the expression of loves, for it is well known that faces change and look different, depending on the affections of a person's love. Desires too which are part of love, as well as its joys and sorrows, shine out from the face. This shows plainly that a person is his own love, or rather a form taken by his love. But it ought to be known that the inner man, which is one and the same as his spirit which lives on after death, is a form taken by his love. But the outer man in the world is not, because this has learned from childhood up to hide the desires of his love, or rather to pretend and make a show of something other than his true feelings. (CL 35)

CL 36. The reason why each person retains his love after death is that love is a person's life (as stated in 34 above), and in consequence is the person himself. A person is also his thought, and so his intelligence and wisdom; but these make one with his love. For it is love which is the origin and determinant of a person's thought; in fact, if he has freedom, of his speech and actions too. From this it may be seen that love is the being or essence of a person's life, and thought is the resultant coming-into-being or arising of his life. Speech therefore and actions, which derive from thought, are not so much from thought as from love by means of thought. Much experience has allowed me to know that after death a person is not his thought, but his affection and the thought which comes from it; or he is his love and the intelligence which comes from it. Also, a person after death puts off everything not in harmony with his love; in fact, he successively puts on the face, voice, speech, gestures and behaviour which fit the love of his life. Thus it is that the whole of heaven is arranged in accordance with all the different kinds of affection of the love for good, and the whole of hell in accordance with all the kinds of affection of the love for evil. (CL 36)

CL 37. (iv) The chief love is sexual love; and in the case of those who reach heaven, that is, those who become spiritual on earth, it is conjugial love.

The reason why a person's sexual love remains after death is that a male remains a male and a female remains a female, and the male's masculinity pervades the whole and every part of him, and likewise a female's femininity; and the impulse to be joined is present in every detail down to the smallest. Since that impulse to be joined was implanted from creation and is therefore continually present, it follows that the one desires the other and longs to be joined to the other. Love taken by itself is nothing but a desire and hence an impulse to be joined; conjugial love is an impulse to be joined into one. For the male and the female of the human species are so created as to be able to become like a single individual, that is, one flesh; and when united, then they are, taken together, the full expression of humanity. If not so joined, they are two, each being as it were a divided person or half a person. Since that impulse to be joined lies deeply hidden in every part of both male and female, and every part has the ability and desire to be joined into one, it follows that people retain mutual and reciprocal sexual love after death. (CL 37)

CL 38.  Sexual and conjugial love are both mentioned, because sexual love is not the same as conjugial love. Sexual love belongs to the natural man, conjugial love to the spiritual man. The natural man loves and desires only outward union and the bodily pleasures it gives. But the spiritual man loves and desires inner union and the delights of the spirit it gives, and he perceives that these are only possible with one wife, with whom the degree of union can perpetually increase. The more the union increases, the more he feels delights rising in the same scale, and lasting for ever. But the natural man never thinks of this. This is how it is that we say that conjugial love remains after death with those who reach heaven, those, that is, who become spiritual on earth. (CL 38)

CL 39. (v) These facts have been fully confirmed by eye-witness.
I have so far considered it enough to confirm these propositions by intellectual, what are called rational, arguments: that a person lives on as a person after death, that a male is then a male and a female a female, that each person retains his own love after death, and his chief loves are sexual and conjugial. But people have from childhood been given by parents and teachers, and later by learned men and clergy, a firm belief that they will not live on as people after death, except on the day of the Last Judgment, and some have now spent six thousand years waiting for it. Moreover, many have placed this belief in the category of things which must be taken on trust and not understood. For these reasons it has been necessary to confirm the same propositions also by eye-witness accounts. If this is not done, the person who trusts only his senses will be led by the belief forced on him to say, 'If people lived on as people after death, I could see and hear them' and 'Who has come down from heaven, or up from hell, to tell us?'

But it has not been and still is not possible for an angel of heaven to come down, or for a spirit of hell to come up, and talk with a person, unless the inner levels of his mind, that is, of his spirit, have been opened by the Lord. This can only happen fully with those whom the Lord has prepared to receive the truths of spiritual wisdom. It has therefore pleased the Lord to do this with me, in order to ensure that conditions in heaven and hell, and how people live after death, should not remain unknown, be sunk in ignorance and finally buried in denial. The eye-witness proofs of the propositions mentioned above are too numerous to relate here; but they can be seen in my book Heaven and Hell, also in the Continuation About the Spiritual World; and later in my Apocalypse Revealed. But in so far as particularly concerns marriage, they will be found in the account of experiences subjoined to sections or chapters of this book. (CL 39)

CL 40. (vi) Consequently there are marriages in heaven.
Since this has now been confirmed both by argument and by experience, it requires no further proof. (CL 40)

CL 41. (vii) The Lord's statement that after the resurrection people are not given in marriage refers to spiritual weddings.
We read in the Gospels:

Some of the Sadducees, who deny that there is a resurrection, asked Jesus, saying, Master, Moses wrote, 'If a man's brother who has a wife dies, and he is childless, his brother is to marry his wife, and raise up seed to his brother.' There were seven brothers each of whom, one after the other married a wife, but they died childless. At length the woman too died. In the resurrection then, whose wife will she be? But Jesus in reply told them, The children of this world marry and are given in marriage. But those who will be judged worthy of reaching the other world and rising again from the dead will neither marry nor be given in marriage. For they can no longer die, for they are like angels and sons of God, being sons of the resurrection. But the resurrection of the dead was proved by Moses calling the Lord the God of Abraham and the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob. But God is not the God of the dead, but of the living; for him all are alive. Luke 20:27-38; Matt. 22:23-32; Mark 12:18-27.

The Lord made two points in this teaching; first that people rise again after death, and secondly, that they are not given in marriage in heaven. Resurrection after death was proved by God being not the God of the dead, but of the living, and Abraham, Isaac and Jacob are alive; and further by the parable of the rich man in hell and Lazarus in heaven (Luke 16:22-31).

[2] The second point, that people are not given in marriage in heaven, was proved by the words 'those judged worthy of reaching the other world do not marry or are given in marriage.' It is plain this means spiritual weddings because of the immediately following words, 'they can no longer die, because they are like angels and sons of God, being sons of the resurrection.' A spiritual wedding means being linked with the Lord, something that happens on earth, and if it has taken place on earth, it has also taken place in heaven. The wedding therefore cannot be repeated in heaven, nor can they be given in marriage again. This is the meaning of these words, 'The sons of this world marry and are given in marriage. But those judged worthy of reaching the other world neither marry nor are given in marriage.' These people are also called by the Lord 'the sons of the wedding' (Matt. 9:15; Mark 2:19*); and in this passage 'angels,' 'sons of God' and 'sons of the resurrection.'

[3] Marrying is being linked with the Lord, and going in to a wedding is being received into heaven by the Lord. This is plain from these passages. The kingdom of the heavens is like a royal personage who made a wedding for his son, and sent out his servants with invitations to the wedding (Matt. 22:1-14). The kingdom of the heavens is like the ten maidens who went out to meet the bridegroom, five of whom were ready and went in to the wedding (Matt. 25:1ff). It is clear that the Lord here meant Himself from verse 13 of this chapter, which says, 'Keep awake, because you do not know the day or the hour at which the Son of Man will come.' Also from the Book of Revelation:

The time of the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his wife has made herself ready. Blessed are they who are summoned to the wedding feast of the Lamb. Rev. 19:7, 9.

There is a spiritual meaning in everything the Lord said, as was shown fully in THE TEACHING OF THE NEW JERUSALEM ABOUT THE HOLY SCRIPTURE, published at Amsterdam in 1763.
* The original Greek says 'sons of the bride-chamber.' (CL 41)

CL 42. I shall append here accounts of two experiences from the spiritual world, of which this is the first.
One morning I looked up into heaven and saw above me one broad level above another, and as I watched, the first level near to me was opened up, and then the second above, and finally the third, which was the highest. I was enlightened by this so as to grasp that the angels forming the first or lowest heaven were on the first level, those forming the second or middle heaven on the second level, and those forming the third or highest heaven on the third level.

At first I wondered what this meant and why it so appeared; and then I heard a voice like the sound of a trumpet coming out of heaven, which said, 'We have noticed and now see that you are meditating about conjugial love. We know that so far no one on earth knows what truly conjugial love is in its origin and essence, important though it is to know this. It has therefore pleased the Lord to open up the heavens to you, so that the light which enlightens may flow into the inner levels of your mind and allow you to perceive it. Our celestial delights in the heavens, especially the third, are chiefly from conjugial love. We have therefore been given permission to send down a married couple for you to see.'

[2] Then suddenly there was to be seen a chariot coming down from the highest or third heaven, containing what seemed to be one angel. But as it approached, it seemed to have two angels in it. The chariot seen from afar sparkled like a diamond, and had harnessed to it foals as white as snow. The travelers riding in the chariot held in their hands two turtle-doves, and they called out to me, 'You would like us to come closer, but be careful then that the fiery radiance, which is from the heaven we come down from, does not strike too deep. It will certainly enlighten the higher concepts in your intellect, which are in themselves heavenly. But these are inexpressible in the world where you now are. So understand rationally what you are about to hear, and so explain this to your intellect.'

'I will be careful,' I replied, 'come closer.' They did so, and turned out to be a husband and wife. 'We are a married couple,' they said. 'We have led a blessed life in heaven from the earliest time, which you call the Golden Age. We have been perpetually in the bloom of youth, in which you see us today.'

[3] I gazed at them both, because I realised that in their life and their adornment they were a picture of conjugial love. Their lives were to be seen from their faces, their adornment from their dress. For all angels are affections of love in human form. Their ruling affection shines out from their faces, and it is their affection which provides and determines what they wear. So in heaven there is a saying, everyone is dressed by his affection. The husband looked to be of an age half way between an adolescent and a young adult. Sparkling light glittered from his eyes, an effect of the wisdom of love; this light made his face shine with a kind of internal radiance, and this radiation made his skin shine on the outside, so that his whole face was a single lovely splendour. He was dressed in an ankle-length robe, over a blue garment with a gold belt, decorated with three gems, a sapphire at either side and a carbuncle at the centre. He wore stockings of shining linen with silver threads in the weave, and pure silk shoes. This was the picture presented by conjugial love in the husband.

[4] In the wife it appeared like this. I saw her face and at the same time I did not see it. It looked like Beauty itself, but I could not see it because this is inexpressible. Her face shone with fiery light, the light the angels in the third heaven enjoy, and this dazzled my sight, so that I was simply amazed. When she noticed this, she spoke to me. 'What can you see?' she asked. 'I can see nothing but conjugial love and the form it takes,' I answered. 'But I both see and don't see.'

At this she turned sideways on to her husband, and then I could gaze at her more fixedly. Her eyes flashed with the light of her heaven, a fiery light, as I have said, which derives from the love of wisdom. For the love wives have for their husbands in that heaven comes from and is focussed on their wisdom, and the love husbands have for their wives comes from and is focussed on that love for themselves, so that it unites them. As a result her beauty was such that no painter could ever rival it or render it in its true appearance, for his colours lack radiance and his art has no means to express her loveliness. Her hair was beautifully dressed in an arrangement which had a meaning by correspondence, and it had flowers in it made of jewelled settings. Her necklace was of carbuncles, and from it hung a rosary of gold-coloured gems, and she had pearl bracelets. She was dressed in a red gown over a purple blouse, fastened at the front with rubies. But I was surprised to see that the colours changed as she turned towards or away from her husband, and this too made them sparkle more or less, more when they looked at each other, less when not directly facing.

[5] When I had seen this, they spoke with me again; and when the husband spoke, it was as if what he said came at the same time from the wife, and when the wife spoke, it was as if it came at the same time from her husband, so closely united were their minds, from which their utterances flowed. And I could also then hear the sound of conjugial love, which was in inward unison within their speech, and arose from the delights of a state of peace and innocence.

At length they said, 'We are being called back, we must go.' Then they were seen again riding in a chariot, as before. They drove along a paved road between flower-beds with olive-trees and trees laden with orange fruit springing from them. When they approached their own heaven, maidens came out to welcome them and escort them in. (CL 42)

CL 43. After this I saw an angel from that heaven. He held in his hand a parchment, which he unrolled with the words, 'I have seen that you are meditating about conjugial love. This parchment contains treasures of wisdom on that subject, which have not yet been revealed in the world. They must now be revealed, because this is important. We have in our heaven more of these treasures than elsewhere, because we enjoy the marriage of love and wisdom. But I prophesy that the only people who will make that love their own are those whom the Lord receives into the new Church, which is the New Jerusalem.' With these words the angel let go of the unrolled parchment, which a certain angelic spirit took and placed on a table in a room; this he at once locked up and handed me the key, with the instruction, 'Write about it.' (CL 43)

CL 45. THE STATE OF MARRIED PARTNERS AFTER DEATH

That there are marriages in the heavens has been shown just above. It is now to be shown whether or not the conjugial covenant entered into in the world will continue after death and be enduring. This is not a matter of judgment but of experience, and since this experience has been granted me through consociation with angels and spirits, the question may be answered by me, but yet in such wise that reason also will assent. Moreover, it is among the wishes and desires of married partners to have this knowledge; for men who have loved their wives, and wives who have loved their husbands, desire to know whether it is well with them after their death, and whether they will meet again. Furthermore many married partners desire to know beforehand whether after death they will be separated or will live together - those who are of discordant dispositions, whether they will be separated, and those who are of concordant dispositions, whether they will live together. This information, being desired, shall be given, and this in the following order:

I. That after death, love of the sex remains with every man such as it had been interiorly, that is, in his interior will and thought, in the world.

II. That the same is true of conjugial love.

III. That after death, two married partners, for the most part, meet, recognize each other, again consociate, and for some time live together; which takes place in the first state, that is, while they are in externals as in the world.

IV. But that successively, as they put off their externals and come into their internals, they perceive the nature of the love and inclination which they had for each other, and hence whether they can live together or not.

V. That if they can live together, they remain married partners; but if they cannot, they separate, sometimes the man from the wife, sometimes the wife from the man, and sometimes each from the other.

VI. And that then a suitable wife is given to the man, and a suitable husband to the woman.

VII. That married partners enjoy similar intercourse with each other as in the world, but more delightful and blessed, yet without prolification; for which, or in place of it, they have spiritual prolification, which is that of love and wisdom.

VIII. That this is the case with those who go to heaven; but not so with those who go to hell.
The explanation now follows whereby these articles are illustrated and confirmed.

CL 195. X. THAT THIS FORMATION BY THE WIFE IS EFFECTED BY THE CONJUNCTION OF HER WILL WITH THE INTERNAL WILL OF THE MAN.

That with the man are rational wisdom and moral wisdom, and that the wife conjoins herself with those things with the man which pertain to his moral wisdom, has been shown above (nos. 163-65). All things pertaining to rational wisdom make his understanding, and all things pertaining to moral wisdom make his will. It is with these latter, being those which form the man's will, that the wife conjoins herself. It is the same whether it be said that the wife conjoins herself or that she conjoins her will to the man's will; for a wife is born voluntary and hence does what she does from the will. It is said with the man's internal will because man's will has its seat in his intellect, and the intellectual of man is the inmost of woman, according to what was said above (no. 32) and frequently thereafter respecting the formation of woman from man. Men have also an external will, but this often partakes of simulation and dissimulation. A wife sees this will clearly but does not conjoin herself with it except in pretence or playfully. (CL 195)

CL 222. (13) There is a conjugial atmosphere which flows in from the Lord through heaven into each and every thing of the universe, extending even to its lowest forms. We showed above in its own chapter* that love and wisdom, or to say the same thing, good and truth, emanate from the Lord. A marriage of these two elements continually emanates from the Lord, because they are Him, and from Him come all things. Moreover, whatever emanates from Him fills the universe; for without this, nothing that came into existence would continue to exist.

[2] There are several atmospheres which emanate from the Lord. For example, an atmosphere of conservation for conserving the created universe; an atmosphere of protection for protecting good and truth against evil and falsity; an atmosphere of reformation and regeneration; an atmosphere of innocence and peace; an atmosphere of mercy and grace; besides others. But the universal one of all is a conjugial atmosphere, because it is at the same time an atmosphere of propagation and is thus the supreme atmosphere in conserving the created universe by successive generations.

[3] This conjugial atmosphere fills the universe and pervades it from the firsts to the lasts of it. That this is so is apparent from observations made above,** where we showed that there are marriages in heaven, and most perfect marriages in the third or highest heaven; also, that besides being in human beings, this atmosphere exists in all members of the animal kingdom on earth, extending even to worms, and furthermore in all members of the vegetable kingdom, from olive trees and palms to the smallest grasses.

[4] This atmosphere is more universal than that of the heat and light which emanate from the sun of our world; and reason can be convinced of this from the fact that the conjugial atmosphere operates even when the sun's warmth is absent, such as in winter, and when the sun's light is absent, such as at night. Especially is this so in the case of human beings. It continues to operate because it originates from the sun of the angelic heaven, and that sun produces a constant balance of heat and light, that is, a constant union of good and truth. For heaven is in a state of perpetual spring. Variations in goodness and truth in heaven or in its warmth and light do not result from changes of the sun, as changes on earth do from variations in the heat and light coming from the sun there; but they occur as a result of the way recipient vessels receive them.  (CL 222)

Summary Interpretation of Numbers: CL 27-40

1. A man is love’s wisdom, that is, interior love covered over with wisdom.

 2. A wife is the love of that wisdom, that is, a love of the wisdom that comes from love in the husband.

 3. If a man loves his own wisdom, he becomes a fool. Instead it is the wife who becomes the love of that wisdom, and consequently, that wisdom is implanted in her and appropriated to her.

4. To remain wise, the man cannot love his own wisdom, and consequently that wisdom is not implanted in him, and is not appropriated to him. That wisdom cannot exist or endure in him, for if it does, the man can’t help but love his own wisdom, and consequently he loses it by becoming foolish.

 5. Therefore the only way a man can become wise and grow wiser, is to love his wife's wisdom more than his own. She has this wisdom in her because she is the love of her husband's wisdom, the wisdom that comes from the love of wisdom in him. Both wisdom and love come from God and are God in them.

 6. It follows from these connected propositions that the DoW (Doctrine of the Wife) is consistent with the letter of CL in these Numbers. The DoW says that in order for a husband to regenerate and be able to receive conjugial love from the Lord through his wife, he must learn to love his wife's wisdom more than his own (see Section 11.4).

11.2  Marriages in Hell or Infernal Concubinage

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11.3  The Conjoint Self and The Unity Model of Marriage

Research confirms that most couples report experiencing oppositional or negative feelings and acting upon them by exploiting, abusing, or injuring their partner. Physical and mental abuse is practiced by men far more than by women in the majority of societies and cultures. When people reason under the influence of exploitative motivations, they tend to misinterpret the intentions of their partner and tend to use stereotyped, inaccurate, and prejudiced thinking. Our verbal behavior will reflect this style of biased thinking. So will our actions.

There is an advantage in gaining control over our gender behavior in the three domains--affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor. We can avoid those cultural and psychological traits and habits that interfere with adaptive, successful long term gender relationships. The benefits of a stable successful long term gender partnership are extremely attractive. We will explore a particular principle in gender relationship called the conjoint self.

11.3.1  Three Levels of Unity in the Marriage Relationship

Gender behavior in marriage is defined along three interacting domains called the individual's threefold self. The individual's affective self operates the feelings and motivations we maintain in dating or marriage relationships. The cognitive self operates the thinking and reasoning we do in these relationships. The individual's sensorimotor self operates the sensations, perceptions, and motor acts we perform in gender relationships. The category of "motor acts" includes overt verbal behavior (discourse, talk) and non-linguistic behaviors (expressions, appearance, style). Be aware however that motor acts and talking occur not from themselves but from cognitive acts (our thinking and lifestyle philosophy), and these in turn occur from our affective acts, which are motivations and needs that guide our thinking towards goals. Sensorimotor acts, cognitive acts, and affective acts form a perfect synergy between feelings, thoughts, and actions. This is called the threefold self.

In other words, each of us is involved in gender relationships in which we operate along three interconnected domains of behavior. The deepest and most determinative is the affective operation in which we maintain selected motivations and desires in accordance with our primary needs and satisfactions. The affective operations in our mind are the most determinative because they select and guide the other two domains. Affective operations guide and influence the direction of operations in the cognitive self, so that what we think or how we justify things cognitively, is selective and responsive to our affective motives. We entertain a way of thinking that will support and promote our motivations and feelings. Our cognitive behavior adjusts itself to support our affective behavior. The affective and the cognitive domains together select and determine the overt sensorimotor behavior of our overt actions, appearance, words, and styles. What we do and say (=overt gender behavior) is the result of what we think, which is the result of how we feel (what motivates us).

Note that we are often more aware of what we think than of how we feel (or what motivates us). In relationships between a man and a woman, women tend to be more aware of their own feelings and motivations than men are aware of their own feelings and motivations. This is because women are more motivated to spend time and focus figuring out how they really feel or what they really want. Women tend also to be more aware of the man's feelings and motivations than the men are of their own feelings and motivations. However, this does not mean that men have less feelings than women, as it is sometimes misrepresented in gender stereotyped thinking.

Note well this principle: Both men and women have the same amount of feelings and emotions. This fact can be observed when you analyze how men behave and react to things moment by moment--with surprise, or with anger, or being pleased or displeased, feeling like talking or feeling like keeping quiet, being in a good mood or bad, getting excited when telling a story, picking a fight, feeling resentful, liking something, appreciating something, feeling happy about something, etc. These observations prove that men equally with women have feelings and react with emotions all the time.

Emotional reactions and feeling motivations are a necessary part of all thinking and acting. It is not possible to act and react in a conversation or interaction without feelings and motivations being present all the time, and every instant. Nevertheless there are differences between men and women as to how aware or conscious they are of their own feelings and emotions from moment to moment, or of the emotions of the partner. Women tend to specialize in becoming aware of feelings and emotions of their partner. They are motivated to practice more than men in focusing consciously on feelings in gender relationships.

This difference in the skill of gender perceptiveness between a man and a woman creates an active gender dynamic in which the woman is motivated to prod her man to become more aware of his and her feelings and motivations. The man tends to resist this "affective prodding" and finds it unpleasant and objectionable. This creates a constant strain on the developing relationship. The woman feels that the man doesn't want to "commit" and is resisting the process of conjunction, thereby maintaining the couple in a state of division and conflict which is not totally satisfying to the woman.

Both men and women can gain understanding of the initial oppositeness between the sexes--women striving to conjoin, men resisting the process. The analysis of how men and women talk to each other reveals this dynamic opposition between men and women, as exemplified in the studies reported in our textbook by Deborah Tannen--Gender and Discourse. Analyzing verbal interactions between men and women is a powerful method for bringing out the differences between how they use talk to either oppose each other or to gain deeper intimacy and mutual support.

The views of "Dr. Laura" in her book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands presents the point of view that men are in general "simpler creatures" than women, and that a wife needs to treat her husband in a certain way in order to keep him happy and well functioning. This is a different model of marriage than the unity model because it establishes an unequal status between men and women. This point of view puts less of responsibility on the men and more on the women. The wife is told to adjust to this unequal status rather than seek equality or unity.

The individual's threefold self in gender relationships is a joint product of biology, socialization, culture, and spiritual make up. As children we acquire the relationship style of our parents, other adults, and the media (TV, movies, songs, magazines, cartoons, commercials). By the time we begin adolescent or adult relationships, we have been exposed to years of stereotyped gender behaviors in all three domains of the threefold self:

(a) exploitative feelings towards the "opposite" sex (affective self),

(b) sexist thoughts that stereotype the other gender (cognitive self),

(c) injurious or hostile actions and words against the partner (sensorimotor self).

These affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor patterns of stereotyped gender behavior create an atmosphere of discord and conflict even as the partners strive to love each other and become a functioning and satisfying unit.

11.3.1.1  Mental Anatomy of Women and Men

The expression "mental anatomy" at first sounds like a metaphor about the mind. We are used to hearing about the anatomy of the physical body. But regarding the mind, it is common for us to imagine that it either doesn't exist, or if it does exist, it is something gaseous or transparent, not solid, just as "a spirit" or "departed person," is often portrayed in literature or television. But we are also familiar with the portrayal of angels who appear on earth and have physical bodies while they are here. But we imagine that after they return to "heaven," they no longer have a real body for being married. We all have been exposed to the various fantasies or imaginings that people have about the afterlife, including our own. This is why it is essential that we stick with the facts and the actual observations. Swedenborg was the only scientist in history who was allowed by God to be conscious in his spiritual mind before resuscitation, and therefore he is the only scientist in the history of the world who can give us factual information about the spiritual world of the afterlife in eternity. This is looking at the Swedenborg Reports with the positive bias in science perspective.

It is fascinating to discover what married couples are like when they reach the heavens in their mind. Swedenborg's observations of the relationship between husbands and wives in heaven give us factual information about the future we can have in our immortality after we are no longer connected to the physical world. People who find their way into the heavens of their mind, are married, to symbolize and reflect their mental unity. Amazingly, when Swedenborg saw a conjugial couple from a distance, he saw but one person walking or standing. But when he came nearer to the couple, they were a husband wife (see Section xx). The fact that they appear as one person is an outward representation of their inward mental unity.

From Swedenborg's description of the difference between men and women, I constructed various visual charts to picture their mental anatomy. By studying the details pictured in somewhat different way, it might be easier for you to gain a more detailed knowledge and understanding of how men and women differ in their spiritual anatomy. Remember: spiritual = afterlife of eternity. So the anatomical difference between the mind of men and women remains forever to distinguish them from birth to eternity.

This diagram is from an article  I wrote on "spiritual genes in marriage" and is available here:   www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/instructor/gloss/dow2.html

Spiritual Gender Genes

 

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The following diagram is from an article on "The Spiritual Psychobiology of Marriage" and is available here:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/instructor/gloss/dow1.html#biology

marriage.jpg (43770 bytes)

The diagram immediately above shows the two phases or stages of marriage. Initially, the man's consciousness of externalizing truth, which is the truth he knows, conjoins itself with the wife's externalizing good. That is the wife's externalizing affections conjoin with the husband's externalizing cognitions. Thus they form an externalizing marriage or bond. It is externalizing because the man's truth and the wife's affections are both in the externalizing or lower degrees of their consciousness. However, if the two partners continue to grow together and conjoin more deeply within, then they enter phase 2 which is an internal union or conjunction. Now their internalizing parts are conjoined or united--the man's internalizing good and the woman's internalizing truth. Now for the first time the man becomes truly a husband and the woman truly a wife.

Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture:

AC 725. That by "male and female" are signified truths and goods, is evident from what has been said and shown before, namely, that "man" and "male" signify truth, and "wife" and "female" good. But "male and female" are predicated of things of the understanding, and "man and wife" of things of the will, for the reason that marriage is represented by man and wife, and not so much by male and female. For truth can never of itself enter into marriage with good, but good can with truth; because there is no truth which is not produced from good and thus coupled with good. If you withdraw good from truth, nothing whatever remains but words. (AC 725)

AC 718. That by "man and wife" is signified that the truths were conjoined with goods, is evident from the signification of "man" as being truth, which is of the understanding, and from the signification of "wife" as being good, which is of the will (concerning which before), and also from the fact that man has not the least of thought, nor the least of affection and action, in which there is not a kind of marriage of the understanding and the will. Without a kind of marriage, nothing ever exists or is produced. In the very organic forms of man, both composite and simple, and even in the most simple, there is a passive and an active, which, if they were not coupled as in a marriage, like that of man and wife, could not even be there, still less produce anything, and the case is the same throughout universal nature. These incessant marriages derive their source and origin from the heavenly marriage; and thereby there is impressed upon everything in universal nature, both animate and inanimate, an idea of the Lord's kingdom. (AC 718)

In the diagram below, the same process is portrayed. The externalizing union in stage 1 is shown to bond the man's externalizing truth to the wife's externalizing good. This is not so much a true union as a partnership since it resides in externalizing (or lower) parts of the consciousness. Husband and wife as partners are adjoined to each other by externalizing natural life and family, but they are not yet conjoined from within by inner or spiritual life. But in stage 2, the husband's internalizing good is conjoined to the wife's internalizing truth. Now the marriage consists of his affections covered over with her truths. This is a true conjunction or union because it resides in the higher or internalizing regions of their consciousness and life. Only when this stage of internal conjunction is achieved can they be regenerated into a heavenly marriage and live together in eternity.

Couples who do not progress to an internal union of minds or spirits remain separated in their internals, and when they meet again in the other life, they live with one another again for a brief period. They then can become aware of each other's internal character and disposition, and these separate them. Each is then given another partner with whom they can enter into an internal marriage in heaven. But this happens only when both have been regenerated while still in the physical body. If they are unsuitable to each other by internal disposition or genius and separate, the one who is regenerate goes to heaven with the newly given conjugial partner or soul mate, while the other who is not regenerated goes to hell where they enter into an infernal concubinage with a partner. These infernal marriages are purely externalizing and both partners are "devils" who hate each other's guts yet are forced to endure each other in a marriage made in hell.

Research and personal observation confirm that most couples report experiencing oppositional or negative feelings, and at times acting upon them by exploiting, abusing, or injuring their partner. When couples have a disagreement or fight, physical and mental abuse is practiced by men more than by women in the majority of societies and cultures. When people reason under the influence of exploitative motivations, they tend to misinterpret the intentions of their partner and tend to use stereotyped, inaccurate, and prejudiced thinking. Our verbal behavior will reflect this style of biased thinking. So will our other actions.

There is an advantage in gaining control over our gender behavior in the three domains--affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor. We can avoid those cultural and psychological traits and habits that interfere with adaptive, successful long term marriage relationships. The benefits of a stable successful long term partnership are extremely attractive. We will explore a particular principle in marriage relationship called the conjoint self.

According to the "unity" model of marriage, the perfection of unity in a marriage increases through differentiation and reciprocity of behavior in the threefold self of the two partners, and is a spiritual union that lasts to eternity. In a unity marriage, the husband and wife develop a conjoint self, while their former individual self recedes into the background and no longer operates.

The unity marriage is not achieved by promise or desire alone. There are developmental levels of unity that married partners must go through with each other, like a growth process that takes many years of dedicated effort. The "conjoint self" refers to a husband and wife who have achieved unity at all levels of the threefold self (as explained below). Each individual has been changed, dropping off some traits and acquiring new ones that can fit together. This is called growing together in reciprocity. The husband has to abandon some traits he cherished since childhood because these habits caused opposition and disunity. The wife has to abandon some traits that she perceives do not fit with her husband's character. Both have to acquire new traits that could fit together as a unit. The old traits that were abandoned and the new traits that were acquired consist of sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective traits in the threefold self. That is: habits of external activities, habits of thinking, and habits of internal feeling.

Levels of unity are ordered from external to more and more interior unity, as will be explained below. For instance, an external level of unity between marital partners involves their sensorimotor portion of the threefold self. They like and enjoy to do things together like dancing, touching each other, partying, camping, watching movies, eating out, driving, talking about their favorite topics, and so on. These overt "external" activities involve sensory and motor interactions, including verbal, which is an overt motor activity. Of course every sensorimotor activity involves thinking and feeling but these cognitive and affective operations are not visible, and the focus of the two partners at this stage is on the external activity of the other. There is less focus or concern on what the other is thinking or feeling.

Note that these joint external activities do not necessarily mean that the two partners are in agreement with each other's way of thinking, each other's attitudes, or feelings and motivations. The cognitive and affective self of each partner may not be in agreement, and they may even be competitive or hostile to the other. What is on the inside that is not visible (affective and cognitive self) may be in opposition and even hatred against the partner, while what shows on the outside--the sensory-motor activity, may appear harmonious and compatible. This underlying disagreement or dislike becomes visible when there is an overt fight during which the two partners show their anger, resentment, and disrespect for one other. Afterwards they make up, and the cognitive disrespect and affective dislike recede again into the underlying invisible state, lurking there, until the next fight at which time the abuse and disrespect come out again.

There is therefore a first level of the conjoint self, and this is external, involving sensorimotor reciprocity and joint achievement, without necessarily there being an interior agreement and respect for the partner. Women, more than men, tend to experience this external phase of the relationship as unsatisfactory, painful, and injurious. Women often have to bond with other women to support and reassure each other during this phase of disharmony with their husband or partner.

Men tend to bond with other men by complaining about women and speaking about them with disrespect. They also keep secrets from their women and do things they want to hide from them. Men do this in order to obtain sexual favors. This deception is a method of exploiting women and dehumanizing them. At this external level of unity, men feel more comfortable than women because they exercise more control in the relationship. Men tend to resist closer, more intimate relationship phases, in order to maintain their cognitive and affective independence. A man ordinarily dislikes giving up independence in his private thinking and feeling, while a woman is generally motivated to conjoin her thinking and feeling with her man--if only he lets her. A woman strives to achieve mutual and reciprocal dependence, while a man strives to retain independence. This creates a conflict dynamic between them, especially in the first level of unity which is external, involving the sensorimotor self only.

This intrinsic difference between women and men occurs at all levels of their humanity: biological, mental, and spiritual. Biologically, women make themselves dependent on men for reproduction, parenting, and lifestyle habits. Mentally, women love and enjoy the man's intelligence and inventiveness, and adopt his ideas and philosophies as her own. Spiritually, women represent inner wisdom surrounded by external love. Men represent inner love surrounded by external intelligence. Women and men are thus born reciprocals of each other, so they may better fit into a perfect unity.

If women and men were similar in these fundamental traits, they could only form external relationships and could never achieve the married state of the conjoint self. Their selves would remain separate because like cannot conjoin with like. Like can be adjoined to like, but only reciprocals can conjoin. For example, think of the shape of reciprocals and how they would not be able to fit together if they were similar instead of reciprocal: pot and handle; key and key hole; shoe and lace; button and button hole, snaps, window and window sill, picture and frame, etc.

Couples begin their relationship together by sensorimotor reciprocity: talking to each other, eating, dancing, driving, doing fun things, etc. This is the first level of unity.

The second level of unity is deeper in that it involves the cognitive self of the two partners. This includes how they think, how they reason, how they justify things, what they consider acceptable or unacceptable, what information or knowledge they have, what philosophy of life and religion. These cognitive behaviors and habits are more resistant to mutual adaptation and reciprocity in the relationship. For instance, a man and a woman can be married for years and yet maintain contradictory attitudes, beliefs, and judgments. The external sensorimotor level of unity does not necessarily lead to a more interior unity of thinking and reasoning (cognitive habits). Yet many couples achieve a cognitive level unity by joint involvement in running a home and raising children together. They see 'eye to eye' on many things and enrich each other's thinking process by mutual stimulation and interest. When a man and a woman achieve this second level unity, they can love each other more deeply and the relationship continues to grow and become more satisfying and enriching.

Achieving cognitive reciprocity is often easier for women because they are mentally oriented towards conjunction. They desire to become a conjoint self more than they desire to retain their own ideas and philosophy. But men generally are in love with their own thinking and ideas and resist change for the sake of the conjoint self. Men see the conjoint self as giving up selfhood while women see it as gaining togetherness.

However, when a wife perceives that her husband's thinking is corrupt, she tries to change the man's thinking instead of adopting it for herself. A wife has a keen perception of what is her husband's corrupt thinking, even while he himself is blind to it. This is because spiritually, a woman is inner wisdom covered over with love, while a man is inner love covered over with external intelligence. So a woman perceives more with her inner wisdom while a man with his outward intelligence. Inner wisdom can see corrupted thinking where outward intelligence cannot. Outward intelligence is motivated by sensorimotor goals while inner wisdom is motivated by affective goals. But when the husband's allows his outward intelligence to be influenced by the wife's inner wisdom, his outward intelligence is elevated or made more excellent, so that he too can then perceive corrupt thinking in himself and others.

The inmost level of unity involves the partners' affective self -- their feelings, motivations, loves, ultimate goals of happiness and togetherness. Affective reciprocity is the basis of an eternal unity between husband and wife. Only conjoint feelings, loves, desires, or goals are allowed to remain operational in their mind. This is achieved by a systematic and long term effort in reciprocal growth. The partners abandon their feelings, loyalties, goals, or involvements that are not conjoint and exclude the other partner. Affective reciprocity or conjunction would be weakened if one partner reserves an area of their mind or involvement that excludes the other partner. For example, some husbands spend socializing time with male friends. The activity is such that they don't want wives or girl friends around, even if they are not cheating on them or doing something bad. But the fact that a husband's wife is excluded, not wanted there, means that he is retaining independent involvements and loves. These affective habits and enjoyments are not reciprocal. They do not contribute to unity in marriage, but slows the process down or acts against it.

However, this principle does not apply to women in the same way. Women have loyalties and friendships with each other for different goals and feelings than men have with each other. The affections and involvements that married women have with other women is for supporting the marriage, not resisting it. Men have an inborn resistance to marital unity which they have to fight against most of their life. Their male friendships that exclude the wife respond to their desire to escape total unity with their wife. This is not so with married women since they have an inborn desire and need for total unity with their husband.

11.3.2   Unity Through Reciprocity and Differentiation

There are two principles in this model of "conjugial love" described by Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772).

According to the first principle of marital unification the threefold self of men and women are biologically and spiritually different. This is maximum or total differentiation or diversity in every  part. According to the second principle of marital unification, the diversity becomes unified through reciprocity by which the traits of a woman can harmonize or fit together with the traits of a man, and vice versa. According to the third principle, marriage is a spiritual union of mind and spirit that is not just for this world -- "till death do us part," but is eternal, since the spirit of a person is immortal (for more on this topic see the Psych 459, G21 Lecture Notes on Theistic Psychology:  www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic ). 

Here are some illustrations of these two principles acting together. Consider where we are familiar with unity through differentiation and reciprocity (though not with eternity). At the physical level we can see how a bolt, nut, and washer work together structurally to achieve a tight grip on some object. The form of the nut must fit exactly the form of the bolt. The bolt is different in form from the nut, and it is the particular way they are different that makes them work together, reciprocally. They would not work together as a unit if there was no differentiation and reciprocity between them. Consider the same principle operating in other functionally related objects like a hammer and nail, or like a purse and its strap, or a fork and knife, or glove and hand, show and foot, etc. When you dance, your partner must make the reciprocal steps -- not the same steps, as you are making, or else you step on each other. In a four-part harmony with men and women, in a quartet or other choir, the singers are differentiated into soprano, alto, tenor, and base. This differentiation is combined into a unity when they sing reciprocally according to the arrangement prescribed for each part. The result is a harmony that is rich and attractive but which cannot be achieved in any other way.

In the sensorimotor domain of gender interactions we can see how a woman's body is differentiated from a man's body, and how the parts of the man are shaped to fit the parts of the woman. No doubt this is the analogy upon which electrical objects are designated, as for  instance the wall receptacle is called the female and the plug is called the male. They act together to form a unit through differentiation and reciprocity of physical form or shape. When you consider sports teams, government departments, or armies, you notice a similar reciprocity of different role behaviors, so that they can achieve joint action, unity, or several acting as one. In fact throughout nature, and even the universe, you will find a unified whole made of differentiated parts acting in synergy. It makes sense therefore to have a model of gender unity that is based on the two acting as one through differentiation and reciprocity.

A well known symbolic representation of sensorimotor unity is the familiar Ying/Yang emblem. According to ancient tradition, it  "demonstrates the perfectly balanced interchange of the two dynamically opposed forces of the Universe, the dot represents integration." In Tai Chi and I Ching traditions, the white area of the emblem represents heaven, the dark area earth and the curvy line between them represents the Law or reality. In Feng Shui the Yin/Yang represents the integration of Female/Male duality: "Yin and Yang are dependent opposites that must always be in balance." And: "It is a duality that cannot exist without both parts." (See for example this Web site:  www.168fengshui.com/Articles/Article_yinyang.htm

In other words, it is the differentiation that makes the unity out of reciprocity. The man and the woman as a couple can be totally integrated, or form a unity, because they are completely different but in a way that is reciprocal. Nothing of the male can be like anything of the female (Yin/Yang diagram shows all white vs. all black for the two). But they curve around into each other, in a perfect fit of reciprocal union, the perfect circle. This is the principle of "synergy" which is defined as "combined action or operation." It comes from the Greek "synergos" or  working together. In business "synergism" refers to "a mutually advantageous conjunction or compatibility of distinct business participants or elements (as resources or efforts)" (Merriam-Webster Online). The principle of synergy operates universally where separate elements interact to produce a joint goal. Synergy is obvious in the physical body where thousands of separate and differentiated parts work together to produce the functions of a normal human body.

Society is viewed as made of separate and unique family units forming themselves into a community and abiding by mutual norms, laws, and expectations. The same reasoning applies to the marriage relationship which society officially sanctions and licenses. Society recognizes that a married couple forms a new unit that acts together for common goals and are united by positive feelings and loyalties. Married couples who live according to the unity model represent the most perfect unit or a "one" that a man and a woman can form together. Affective unity is the most essential, and it influences the cognitive and sensorimotor unity that is possible for that couple. Unity is achieved through the synergy of the threefold self of each partner acting together. There is no independence in any area or under any circumstance. Even when the two are in physically different locations (e.g., at home vs. at work) they remain united because each partner acts and thinks when alone as if the other were present.

A different approach is that of "equity model" in marriage. This idea is transmitted in our socialization process and is part of our culture so that everyone has norms of equity in various areas of living. This is a good thing in public life because it acts to reduce discrimination against women which has been the traditional practice and still is by and large. Gender relationships may start with men assuming traditional dominant roles and women being submissive. But the relationship can then move on to the equity model which helps the two partners by reducing the traditional load of expected work on women and can make their relationship more intimate. But the equity model need not be the last phase. The couple can then move into the unity model which affords still more intimacy.

In the unity model there are two possible directions, one valid the other destructive. If equity is given up for unity, which of the two partners should be giving up their equal power under equity? If the woman gives up equity, then the couple falls back into the traditional dominance model they started with in which man dominates woman in socially prescribed ways. On the other hand if the man gives up equity power in decision making, then they move forward to the unity model that leads to greater intimacy, growth, and mutual support. This conclusion will be reviewed in detail in our class discussions throughout the semester.

11.3.3 Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction

Consider the cognitive and affective domains of gender interaction in marriage. For instance, a wife's depth of perception of a situation (her affective self) contrasts with that of a man's, but the difference is such as to be reciprocal with it. But if the man feels competitive with her, as in the traditional and equity models, their difference in perception is then nonreciprocal, incompatible, or opposite. Similarly, a woman's cognitive self complements that of a man, which is why they find each other's ideas interesting and stimulating. A man ordinarily resists the idea that the woman who loves him has a deeper perception of his feelings and motivations than he has himself. Women have this greater awareness of feelings than men due to the confluence of biology, socialization, experience, interest, and spiritual structure.  Hence the unity through reciprocity model requires that the man give up equity power and give in to the woman's way of understanding. This means that the man would voluntarily agree to let the woman play the lead role in decision making when it comes to their relationship areas.

For example, a wife might request that her husband no longer talk to an old girl friend of his. She feels very strongly about it. She perceives it  from within, as if it was instinct. In other words, she may not be able to give a rational explanation of where it comes from or why she feels so strongly about it. She tells her husband all this, yet he rejects it because he thinks differently about it. He feels a certain loyalty to many of his old friends and doesn't want to give that up, especially since she can't explain her demand in a way that makes sense to him. He and his old girl friend do not have any romantic feelings for each other,  so his wife (or current girl friend) should not be jealous. So they argue.

This stand off puts a hold on the inward (affective) growth of the relationship. She may not say this to him, and sometimes she may not be clearly aware of it, but within herself she knows that the relationship is not growing deeper. She hopes it can be amended but for now it's like a broken leg you can't use for walking. She feels neutralized by her partner's independent stance. He has excluded her and taken away her right or opportunity to make him change his stand into reciprocity, conjunction, unity, oneness in mind and body. He is keeping an area of his love sealed off to her. He reserves his affectional territory for something in which she has no direct input. She is kept on the outide.

This situation can be better understood if we look at it in more detail as to what's going on. In their relationship the man and the woman are interacting at the three levels of the self: sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective. The process of forming a marital unity involves the conjunction of the threefold self of each partner. The sensorimotor self of the man and the woman are conjoined first as shown by the activities they enjoy doing together--eating, playing, embracing, talking. These activities involve mostly the "external" physical self of the partners. It is called external because it is easily visible to them and to others like friends, parents, and neighbors. We can call this phase sensorimotor conjunction. In this phase the man often takes the lead and exerts a dominant role. The woman follows in order to keep the relationship going. Her motive is higher than the man's. His motive is to please himself; her motive is to continue the relationship going to a deeper level.

At the same time the cognitive self of the two partners are interacting. At this level of the interaction, the woman takes the lead. She strives to take the man's perspective, to learn his sense of humor, to memorize the details of his life that he reveals, to acquire the reasoning style he uses. Her motive in all this cognitive effort is to harmonize with the man and please him. She understands instinctively, and sometimes explicitly or consciously, that by making him laugh and pleasing him by how she thinks, she will succeed in conjoining the man to herself. The man is normally focused on himself, on his ideas, and he is pleased when she demonstrates that she knows those ideas. He is not thinking of her perspective, while she is constantly trying to analyze his perspective. Obviously, this differential effort and focus gives the woman a superior perception and understanding of the relationship, that is, of the process of conjoining. This cognitive communication of ideas between them can be called cognitive conjunction.

Cognitive conjunction is more visible than affective conjunction because it comes out in their agreements or disagreements. Long after sensorimotor conjunction has been established, and after cognitive conjunction has been operating for awhile in the relationship, the woman strives even more intensely to conjoin the man to herself at the affective level. She understands from instinct, and sometimes explicitly or consciously, that the relationship won't be perfect until they achieve affective conjunction. This doesn't just mean saying "I love you" even if it is meant sincerely. Affective conjunction means that the man has aligned his feelings with his woman. In other words he has given up his male prerogatives left to him by society and tradition. Society allows a man to retain affective independence from the woman he is married to. He is expected to provide for her needs, to support her in her endeavors, and to be decent to her. But he is not expected to become dependent on her for his feelings, motives, ambitions. He is expected to lover her and be loyal to her, but not to give up his own independent feelings and strivings. Affective independence is the norm for a man in most societies.

In contrast, social and cultural norms require a woman not only to love her mate but to be dependent on him for her feelings and emotions. For example, if she loves Italian food and he hates it, she is expected to give up her old loves and adopt his loves. He expects it and sees it as a sign of loyalty to him. If she complies with this expectation, he feels bonding with her. Note that a man feels bonding or conjunction when the woman becomes dependent on him in her threefold self. But this kind of bonding is not true conjunction and cannot lead to unity.

In the region of the heart, woman rises far above the man in perception, understanding, and consciousness. This is the result of her biological, rational, and spiritual nature. Therefore the gender syntax that produces unity involves the husband becoming affectively dependent on the wife. This runs contrary to his socialization and philosophy, so he puts up enormous resistance--that the woman has to overcome if they are going to achieve unity. Both men and women have three natures or levels of operation of life: a biological nature or self, a rational nature or self, and a spiritual nature or self. By the principle of differentiation and reciprocity it is clear that men and women differ in their biological nature, they differ in their rational nature, and they differ in their spiritual nature. Biological differences between them are obvious in the anatomy and appearance of their physical body. Rational differences between men and women result in the reciprocal orientation and focus they each have.  When a man's cognitive focus is reciprocal to the woman's cognitive focus, they can conjoin. To conjoin means that they share parts of it, or all of it.

But sharing doesn't mean that they are similar because a man and a woman have different functions for their thinking. A woman might say or think X and a man might say or think X yet they are not thinking the identical thing. A woman uses thinking in the relationship for the purpose of achieving unity because that's the way she defines herself, while a man uses his thinking for the purpose of retaining independence because that's the way he defines himself. He wants her to give up her cognitive independence and think like him. This is impossible for nothing in a man can be like anything in a woman, and vice versa. On the other hand, he can give up his affective independence so that his thinking now responds not just to his own needs and purposes, but to her needs and purposes as well. In this way the man's thinking is elevated to a new level of consciousness, intelligence, and wisdom. But when he refuses to give up his affective independence, his thinking remains where it has always been, unable to achieve the higher levels of his own humanity. It's obvious therefore that "giving up" affective independence is not losing something but gaining a whole new level of life for a man.

When a husband is committed to giving up affective independence, he is conjoined to his wife at the inmost or affective level. This is a spiritual conjunction that lasts forever. It has a built in dynamics for dissolving disagreements. Not a single disagreement can arise between them no matter what. This is because they have learned a reciprocal style of interacting at all three levels of the self.

Sensorimotor conjunction is the mental state of husband and wife in which their sensations and movements are mutually and reciprocally interdependent. The pleasures they enjoy are connected to making the partner happy. For instance, what the husband enjoys most is to keep his wife feeling comfortable, and her desires or preferences satisfied. Sensorimotor independence exists when the husband insists on his own comforts and pleasures. His focus is then on himself, not his wife. It's common to observe in public couples walking together. More often than not you will see the woman carrying a greater load than the man. Maybe a child and a big bag, while the man has his hands free. Or at airports you see the woman carry two big bags and the man she is with is carrying one bag. These interactions result from the man's sensorimotor independence. Often husbands will satisfy their sexual appetites for years and never care enough to discover anything about his wife's appetites or satisfactions.

It helps to contrast clearly the differences between the affective and sensorimotor parts of the threefold self. Often people use the word "feeling" when they mean thinking (cognitive self), and vice versa. For example, people say, "I feel that we should wait longer" when they are discussing what they think. Sometimes feelings (affective) are confused with sensations (sensorimotor). For example, "I feel hot flashes coming on" or "I feel so tired." In both cases it is not the feelings (affective) that are discussed but the sensations (sensorimotor).

The sensorimotor area of the threefold self includes these primary features of our everyday life:

The affective area of the threefold self includes these primary features of our everyday life:

 

Do you get the difference? Note that the affective always comes first in the sequence of our behavior. We do something because we are motivated to do it. We are motivated to do something to achieve a particular goal. Every goal is defined by what we want or desire or prefer to happen. Therefore all human action starts from a feeling -- what we want to happen, together with a goal that satisfies what we want.

 

Once we have a feeling, motive, or particular goal we desire to happen, the next behavior in sequence is the cognitive self. Our thinking operations suddenly begin to figure out a plan or method of proceeding that will bring about the desired goal, and thereby satisfy the feeling. It is the feeling that motivates, guides, and directs the thinking, keeping the sequence of mental operation focused in a coherent way to lead to the goal state. For example, we become aware that we are thinking about the candy bar in our pocket or purse. What made your thoughts go in that direction? It had to be some kind of feeling, like sensing hunger in the stomach (sensorimotor) which became the occasion for a desire to satisfy it. This desire or feeling then awakened our thoughts and memories to think about the candy bar.

 

Once the feeling (desire) and the thinking (candy bar in pocket or purse) are placed together or united, the hand starts reaching for the candy bar or the legs start waking to the kitchen (sensorimotor).

But then you stop the hand or the legs. Wait. I'm on a diet and I want to lose weight. Remember? What's happening here? It's another feeling (desire, motive) that takes over and this new feeling now directs the thinking and the moving in another direction.

So whatever we do all day long minute by minute, has to do with sequences and loops of feelings, thoughts, and sensorimotor executions of them. By self-witnessing or self-monitoring ourselves in a systematic and persistent way,  we gradually learn to distinguish between the actions of the threefold self and how the affective hierarchy of our feelings dominates and rules our thinking and doing. Most people prior to self-witnessing are not fully aware of the feelings they have and their relative hierarchy of power over the threefold self. What we don't know about ourselves, we cannot control or modify even if they are maladaptive and the source of negative results. It is to everyone's advantage to get to know the hierarchy of feelings they have in the course of their day.

Here is a summary table to memorize:

PRINCIPLES BY WHICH HUSBAND GOVERNS HIS BEHAVIOR
TOWARDS HIS WIFE

CHARACTER OF THE PARTNERSHIP

HOW THEY BEHAVE TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER AND CONSEQUENCES ON WIFE

follows the
UNITY
MODEL
affective
conjunction

spiritual
marriages

("Till endless eternity in afterlife")

reciprocity with differentiation
unifying, conjoining
rational , theistic
enlightened, etc.

husband chooses to always act from his wife’s feelings and preferences,
rather than from his own, which might be different,
thereby unifying the two into one conjoined self in heaven

follows the
EQUITY
MODEL
cognitive
conjunction

natural progressive
marriages

(“Till death do us part”)

agreeing with
contracting with
associating with
co-sponsoring, etc.

the two make up consensual arrangements,
based on equal rights principles,
so husband agrees to help in domestic activities,
but maintains independence where he chooses,
so many women are stuck in unhappy roles and unromantic, unfulfilling marriages

follows the
DOMINANCE
MODEL
sensorimotor
conjunction

natural traditional
marriages

(“Till the husband decides to divorce his wife”)

consociation by male dominated norms,
and race, family, blood, religion, genes – are central issues

wife is submissive and obedient to husband and his family ,
and must endure societal sanctioned abuse of women by men

See if you can follow the themes in each cell in the above Table. Try to see how these names and descriptions apply to your experience with couples, partnerships, and marriages:

Review what you know about each of these. Are the Table cells helpful in organizing and characterizing what you are observing when you examine these areas of daily life?

As you continue studying the following Sections, be sure to integrate them in your mind with this Table. You actually need to integrate all the Tables in these Lecture Notes, and then you will see clearly how all this perspective can give you a rational understanding of marriage. You might want to print out just the Tables, and study them together, trying to integrate them into your understanding.

11.3.4  Unity Model in Marriage:  Ennead Chart of Growth Steps

This is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

UNITY

7

8

9

EQUITY

4

5

6

DOMINANCE

1

2

3

All ennead charts are read from bottom up. This ennead chart ("ennead" = nine), shows that there are nine succeeding phases for achieving unity in marriage. Note that the nine cells are generated when you keep track of what happens to the threefold self of husband and wife as they progress towards unity. It would be very beneficial for you to memorize this chart so you can reproduced it on paper, and then mentally picture it as you think about these issues. Try to make a mental picture of the chart as you read the following explanations. If you make sure you fully understand it, you will be able to use the chart in your everyday thinking about relationships, your own, or those of others.

Note that that the changes are conceptualized in relation to the model or philosophy the partners have. The "dominance" model often describes the husband's attitude towards his wife, and this agrees with the prevailing cultural norms in most societies on this earth. Women are socialized to accept this male dominance perspective and many women come to see it as normal, and even good. Some women however, reject it. They demand that the husband switch to the "equity" model, which means that he can't just make decisions by himself for their joint life. They have to consult each other and resolve differences with a consensus with which both can live and feel comfortable.

First, the threefold self of the husband and wife must conjoin themselves at the usual dominance level -- zones 1, 2, 3. Then they can grow further together by conjoining their threefold self again, but under the equity model -- zones 4, 5, 6. Many husbands resist the equity model and prefer to go back to the dominance model. But if he changes his mind and adopts the new model for their interactions, then the couple can grow still further towards fully being conjoined in their threefold self. Eventually couples can move into the unity stages -- zones 7, 8, 9. This happens when the husband adopts a new way of interacting with his wife.

In the unity model of interaction (zones 7, 8, 9), the husband allows the wife's inner wisdom to lead his own outward intelligence. This must be voluntary on his part and occurs when he becomes spiritually enlightened from a desire to be conjoined eternally to his wife. He is willing to let go of his own self, for the sake of a new self called the conjoint self. With this new self he is no longer independent. He can no longer choose to act on his own. Whatever he does, think, or strive for, he consults his wife first.

The husband must therefore acquire an accurate knowledge of his wife's feelings and emotions. Once he has internalized them, he can consult them whenever he acts, decides, or wants something. He is no longer a single self or individual. He is a half-person by himself, and is completed reciprocally by his wife. Together, the husband and wife, make one complete human being. When a couple reaches this spiritual level of union, they are in their eternal conjugial bliss in heaven. This can start while they are in this life, and continue later, in the afterlife.

The wife cannot impose the unity model on her husband by means of dominance, intimidation, or persuasion. He can refuse to go along with her whenever he pleases. There are few husbands who are willing to voluntarily subordinate their own outward intelligence to the wife's inner wisdom. It's a model they can achieve only with the husband's willingness to undergo much mental pain and self-denial. But those husbands who are willing to undergo the change, can form a true and perfect reciprocal union with their wife. This is a spiritual state that lasts forever into the afterlife called "heaven." (For more information on this topic, you can consult the 459 Lecture Notes, on the Web at:  www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic

The first phase of each model (zones 1, 4, 7) involves the sensorimotor self of the two partners as the central focus of their relationship. Their affective and cognitive self subordinate themselves to the sensorimotor self as a couple. They get along fine and enjoy each other company, but only so long as they retain focus on the sensorimotor level. For instance, they do things together that involve their physical enjoyment and fun--eating, touching, holding, dancing, driving, playing games, watching movies, listening to music, talking, etc., and sometimes, dealing with children and their immediate physical needs.

In the dominance model (zones 1, 2, 3), the relationship is governed cognitively by tradition and affectively by reward and punishment. The two partners are only externally conjoined. Their life together as a unique couple centers on what choices they make together at the sensorimotor level (zone 1). Even if they are physically together, they are not together at the cognitive and affective levels of conjoining. They are separated or "disjoined" in their thinking and in their feeling. Their thinking is dictated by tradition and family. Their feeling is governed by being rewarded or punished by the other one, depending on what happens. It is normal in the traditional dominance model for a man and a woman to make love and feel close, then a little while later they can argue about something and express hostility. This proves that they are not united in feeling because when a couple is united in feeling it is impossible for one to express hostility to the other. Hostility separates and destroys internal unity, even if later, it is followed by making up and expressing love. This alternating flip-flop state of love and hostility marks the typical behavior in the dominance and equity models (zones 1 through 6).

The equity model is associated with the "modern" outlook that young people in many traditional cultures adopt as a new philosophy of relationship between men and women, thereby taking a step away from the traditional dominance model of their elders. In the equity model of marriage, all responsibilities and duties of husband and wife are shared through negotiation and agreement between each other. This leads to a cognitive level of conjunction between a man and a woman (zone 5), since they have to negotiate by arguments why one partner should do X and Y and the other partner should do A and B. Cognitive unity is gradually achieved through such a process, as long as both partners are sincere rather than just manipulative.

While the focus in the dominance level is sensorimotor conjunction (zone 1), the focus in the equity model is cognitive conjunction (zone 5). The equity model is essentially a political power sharing agreement. It tends to create similar ideas and beliefs in the two partners, a similar reasoning process. This cognitive conjunction makes the sensorimotor interaction better than before. They get along better, agree more, can talk it out and influence each other's thinking and decisions. Because of this their sensorimotor interactions (zone 4) are more compatible--they enlarge and diversify their physical activities and enjoyment of each other. But they still argue. The wife still gets abused from time to time when the husband gives himself permission to explode or take a stance that hurts her. The husband still resists and resents the wife's attempt to influence him, to change his traits and habits that she finds are in the way of a still closer relationship.

There is one more phase the woman wants and needs--their affective conjunction. This would create unity, for which a woman craves for instinctively, biologically, consciously, knowingly. Nothing less than that can completely fulfill her. The wife has a mental picture of the conjoint self where the focus is on affective and inmost conjunction. She can be free of the fear that any time her husband can jump on her and hurt her feelings. She wants her husband to give in to her inner wisdom in all three domains of the self. She wants her husband to love her affections and wisdom more than he loves his own. In this way she will be first in his mind rather than himself.

The wife desires to be first in her husband's mind not because she is selfish and thinking of her comfort or ego. She is thinking of the conjoint self and she wants that true and perfect unity that lasts to eternity. She realizes in her inner wisdom that acquiring a conjoint self is more important for her husband than his way of looking at things. His way of looking at things cannot create an eternal relationship.

The third and inmost phase of conjunction achieves affective unity (zone 9) and greatly improves the cognitive and sensorimotor interactions at the same time (zones 7 and 8). Not only are the two partners conjoined in their sensorimotor and cognitive self, but now they at last become conjoined in their affective self--their feelings and motivations. This level of conjunction is not possible without both partners abandoning the prior two models. The focus at this third level must be the affective self, and the other two are then consequences of this inmost conjunction.

By abandoning the traditional dominance model (zones 1, 2, 3), the husband no longer sees himself as entitled to being treated in a certain way by the woman. Afterwards, by abandoning the equity model (zones 4, 5, 6), the husband no longer sees equal power and responsibility as a good focus for their relationship. The equity focus leads to disagreements, and even the agreements may not be fully suitable to the woman. Instead the man now adopts a new philosophy or model for their relationship. Note in the chart that zones 1, 5, 9 are bolded. This is the path that represents the progressive growth of the conjoint self. First the engaged or married couple is focusing on their sensorimotor conjunction (zone 1) in the dominance model. Then they focus on cognitive conjunction (zone 5) in the equity model. Finally, they focus on affective conjunction (zone 9) in the unity model.

In the unity model, the husband understands rationally that gender unity is based on differentiation of traits that are reciprocal. This is not something to be negotiated about but recognized and lived. The husband begins to see that his affections or loves--what he likes and dislikes, are often incompatible with his wife's affections--what she likes and dislikes. For example, he would like to keep his male friends even after his wife shows her opposition because she doesn't like the influence they have on him, which is to cause a separation between her and her husband. He resists by denying that they are having a bad influence, or by insisting that marriage doesn't mean that everything that came prior must stop, or by accusing her of being over controlling or jealous. By means of these tactics of resistance, the man is able to keep separate from her and remain disjoined at the affective level. Their relationship remains at the equity or traditional dominance level and cannot grow inward.

The husband can think rationally about it and figure it out. This is called spiritual enlightenment because he can have this realization only if he thinks of his wife as an eternal partner, not just "until death do us part." He can then decide to give up his affective independence without feeling that he is losing something. He can have the vision or realization that heaven in eternity requires affective conjunction between them. Now the husband has a new rule for himself: he will keep himself from ever disagreeing with her about any of her demands, requests, pleadings, urgings, or expectations. These are all the ways the wife reveals her affections to her husband. He can see rationally that by subordinating his own affections to hers, they can form a unity, which will then greatly enhance their cognitive and sensorimotor conjunction attained previously. Now they will truly be of "one mind" and "one spirit." The husband experiences enormous resistance to this course of action, and it takes years of effort for a man to stop relapsing into the equity or dominance mode of interacting with his wife.

The unity model of marriage actually refers to all three models together. No couples start directly at the third level called unity (zones 7, 8, 9). Unity or inner threefold conjunction, is a developmental outcome of prior phases of relationship. Further, a couple often interacts at different levels at different times and in different areas of their relationship. Theoretically it is possible for a couple to be active in all nine zones at different times. But this kind of instability and inconsistency does not allow true inner conjunction or unity. There may be times when the couple reaches a unity level, but it doesn't last. Only when the lower levels of interaction (dominance, equity) are mostly abandoned and no longer occur, can true unity be achieved as a lifestyle and permanent state of eternal happiness and peace. A useful application of the ennead model is to use it as a map for identifying and locating the current levels of interaction between a husband and wife.

This is Table 1b (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

level 3
UNITY
Rational
Mentality

7
rational
sensorimotor
acts

8
rational
cognitive
processes

9
rational
affective
states

level 2
EQUITY
Sensuous
Mentality

4
sensuous
sensorimotor
acts

5
sensuous
cognitive
processes 

6
sensuous
affective
states

level 1
DOMINANCE
Corporeal
Mentality

1
corporeal
sensorimotor
acts

2
corporeal
cognitive
processes 

3
corporeal
affective
states

Table 1b above identifies the psychological characteristics or "mentality" that creates a preference for one of the three models. The dominance model is called level 1 because it tends to be first in the couple's development. "Corporeal" mentality refers to the style of personality that focuses almost exclusively on physical goals and satisfactions. It is a materialistic outlook, but even more so than the "sensuous" mentality of level 2. The corporeal mentality reflects the level of operation of the threefold self -- our feeling states, our thinking style, and our overt acts and sensations (zones 3, 2, 1). If you inspect the Table you will see how each zone of the ennead is defined by the marginal entries. The by three marginal entries (columns by rows) equals 9 cells or "zones" of interaction between the threefold self and the three levels of human mentality.

Let's apply Table 1b to an actual behavioral area in marriage: sexual behavior. In Table 1c below, let's enter a characterization of each of the nine zones of sexual interaction.

This is Table 1c  (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

level 3
UNITY
Rational
Mentality

7
RATIONAL
SENSORIMOTOR
ACTS
sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of their mental unity

8
RATIONAL
COGNITIVE
PROCESSES
involved with thoughts about the spiritual or eternal details of their conjunction

9
RATIONAL
AFFECTIVE
STATES
constantly motivated and striving to achieve mental closeness

level 2
EQUITY
Sensuous
Mentality

4
SENSUOUS
SENSORIMOTOR
ACTS
sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of their performance or achievement 

5
SENSUOUS
COGNITIVE
PROCESSES 
involved with thoughts about evaluation (How am I doing? Is it the best ever? Is this fair?  Different? Etc.

6
SENSUOUS

AFFECTIVE
STATES
constantly motivated and striving to compete with or gain more from the partner

level 1
DOMINANCE
Corporeal
Mentality

1
CORPOREAL
SENSORIMOTOR
ACTS  

sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of maintaining control over the partner 

2
CORPOREAL
COGNITIVE
PROCESSES 

involved with thoughts about how to keep pressuring the partner to cooperate or be non-resistant

3
CORPOREAL
AFFECTIVE
STATES
constantly motivated and striving to overcome and compel the partner to be submissive 

In order to understand the chart better replace the characterizations with your own examples of sexual behavior in a couple you know (real or TV). Then do two more on the topic of "money" and "lifestyle."

This is Table 1d  (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

level 3
UNITY
Rational Mentality
-------

Relationship at the PARTICULAR
 LEVEL

zone 7
rational
sensorimotor
acts

-------
e.g., partners' movements are coordinated to each other

zone 8
rational
cognitive
processes

-------
e.g., partners discover and always strive to agree with each other's opinions and justifications 

zone 9
rational
affective
states

-------
e.g., the husband always strives to align his feelings or desires to match his wife's feelings

level 2
EQUITY
Sensuous Mentality

-------

Relationship at the PERSONAL
 LEVEL

zone 4
sensuous
sensorimotor
acts

-------
e.g., partners' movements are competitive with each other

zone 5
sensuous
cognitive
processes 

-------

e.g., partners know but often disagree with each other's opinions and justifications

zone 6
sensuous
affective
states

-------

e.g., partners take turns giving in even if they don't agree

 

level 1
DOMINANCE
Corporeal Mentality

-------

Relationship at the GENERAL
 LEVEL

zone 1
corporeal
sensorimotor
acts

-------

e.g., the wife's movements are directed by the husband using force, threat, or intimidation

zone 2
corporeal
cognitive
processes 

-------
e.g., the wife knows the husband's prerogatives and strives to submit to them under fear of retaliation

zone 3
corporeal
affective
states

-------

e.g., the partners' interactions are governed by the expectations of tradition and family

Table 1d above helps you to distinguish more clearly the kind of relationship that married partners are in when they model their behavior in accordance with the the three levels of mentality.

The corporeal mentality of the dominance model (level 1) involves the partners at a general level, thus more distant to each other than the equity or unity models. Husband and wife relate to each other at a general level. It has physical and mental intimacy, but only of the external or outward self -- how one appears to others. Inside, what one actually thinks and feels, may be the opposite. When tradition and family govern or dictate the interaction possibilities between husband and wife, their relationship remains at the general level.

But with the equity model (level 2) the married partners can interact at the personal level, independently of tradition and family. They get closer to each other mentally, not just physically. They get to know each other's opinions and preferences and they take turns agreeing with one another as a way of maintaining peace and avoiding warfare. Their relationship is at the personal level and can get more and more personal, but it cannot get to be all encompassing for every particular aspect of their personality and social make up. They prefer to remain at a certain distance in their intimacy in areas where they both agree to some "legitimate" independence -- e.g., how they think about certain things like politics or religion, what is the best and what the next best of something is, what friends and hobbies they are allowed to have separately from each other, etc.

All these negotiated agreements and mutual allowances of independence in the equity model, are banished when the husband moves up to the equity model of interaction. The rational mentality of this model prompts the partners to be intolerant of any differences between them. They strive to eliminate any love, affection, desire, or goal that is antagonistic or independent of the other partner's loves and goals. In this way they have a mutual love that expresses itself as the constant striving or motivation by each to make the other one happy through what one can do for them.

 In the dominance model of interaction the wife is persuaded to make the husband happy by doing things for him the way he wants and directs. This is a general level of relationship based on a corporeal or physicalistic mentality (level 1). In the equity model the two partners take turns doing for the other what is wanted or requested. This is a personal level of relationship based on sensuous appearances that each partner gives to the other about oneself. In the unity model of rational mentality the husband is enlightened spiritually to realize that perfect marriage unity depends on exchanging his independent loves and goals for joint loves and goals. He thus acquires a conjoint self that is dependent, compatible, and integrated with his wife. In this way out of two separate individuals, they become one conjoint individual. This is the highest state of life humans can reach in which they are stable, happy, wise, useful,  and productive beyond anything possible otherwise.

11.3.5  Male Dominance Model of Marriage

One of the books on the national best seller list today as I write this (April 2004), is The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the popular call in talk show host whose voice of morality in relationships has been influential. The book jacket says that she is the author of Six New York Times Bestsellers. I use her book in my course on Gender Relationships in Marriage as a rich source for studying the attributes of the dominance model in marriage.

Chapter 6 is entitled "What's Sex?" and opens with three letters by husbands who have written to "Dr. Laura."

I think women use their bodies as tools for controlling men. Once married, they go on to other tools. It seems to me we have this backwards. Girls ought to be more modest, and wives ought to be less so--around their husbands. Instead single women show thighs and breasts, and wives dress like Eskimos. I saw a lot more skin in my dating life that I do as a married man--and I was a virgin when I married!"
Bob

My wonderful wife has put it best: "Sex is to a husband what conversation is to a wife. When a wife deprives her husband of sex for days, even weeks on end, it is tantamount to his refusing to talk to her for days, even weeks." Think of it that way, wives, and realize what a deleterious impact enforced sexual abstinence has on a good man who is determined to remain faithful."
Herb

We need more sex. Once a day is fine.
Steve

Dr. Laura quotes these three letters at the head of the chapter to make the same point she makes in every chapter, as echoed in the title of the book: which appears in the header line on every page: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Let's analyze the assumptions contained in the statements these three men are making about their wives and which Dr. Laura has chosen to make her point about how wives should listen to their husbands about what they need to be properly taken care of, and in this chapter, it is about sex--what kind of sexual behavior wives owe their husbands if the marriage is going to succeed and not break up.

Assumptions of the male dominance model contained in the three letters:

(1) women use their bodies as tools for controlling men
(2) married women have less interest in sex than unmarried
(3) wives ought not to be sexually modest with their husbands
(4) unmarried women are "girls" who dress to show their thighs and breasts
(5) wives dress like Eskimos at home, hiding their thighs and breasts
(6) wives should think that when they say no to sex they are hurting a good man who wants to be faithful
(7) when wives say no to sex they are depriving their husbands and are enforcing abstinence
(8) it's mean for a wife to say no to sex--it is like a husband refusing to have a conversation with her
(9) men need more sex and wives should provide it

There are many more assumptions in the male dominance model, but these are the nine that permeate the logic of the three notes Dr. Laura is quoting. The general theme expressed here is that a the man has the right to expect his wife to have sex with him when he wants it. Dr. Laura chides married women for not taking care of their appearance to please their husbands. A few days ago I listened to one of Dr. Laura's radio broadcasts. A woman called in and shared her distress over her husband's complaints and criticisms of her because she didn't want to comply with his excessive sexual demands. He insists that she has sex with him every day, and sometimes three times a day. Furthermore, he criticizes her for not consenting each time to have her legs up in the air during intercourse. She said it was an uncomfortable position for her, but since she has had her second child, he insists that that's the only way he can enjoy himself. What should she do?

Dr. Laura told her she needs to show more enthusiasm about their sex and take an active role. She should not have sex with him in a passive subdued mode because he gets bored with that and since he brings home the paycheck, goes out into the world to earn a living to support her and the children, he is a good husband and she should treat him well. Dr. Laura suggested that she make a reservation at a motel and surprise him by spending a night of sex with him. Dr. Laura often reports that women write to her to say how grateful they are when their husband's attitude has changed for the better, after they started showing them appreciation and pleasing them

The unity model of marriage focuses on the mental union between husband and wife as the primary interaction, while the physical interaction is secondary. In other words, sex is the secondary outcome of the primary mental union. The male dominance model focuses on physical sex as the primary thing and mental union as secondary. The masculine model is to have sex first, and second to get to know one another. A husband sometimes says mean things to his wife, deprecating things about her appearance, calling her names, yelling, getting angry, walking away, giving the silent treatment, refusing to do something he promised, etc. Some minutes, hours, or days later, the husband feels better and wants to make up by having sex with her. If she refuses, he is angered and expresses resentment, accusing her of selfishness or coldness. From the perspective of the unity model, this type of behavior by the husband is self-centered, cruel, and destructive of the internal bonds of the marriage.

From the male dominance model one might argue, like Dr. Laura, that a husband who is good, deserves to be treated in the way he wants to because this is his need and the wife who loves her husband, should take care of his need, whether sexual or otherwise. I call this the blackmail argument because it puts the woman into a double bind, the result of which is to destroy the internal bonds of the married partners.

I witnessed a similar attitude practiced by Dr. Phil, a popular TV host of counseling sessions with married couples. A common issue he handles is the husband's complaint that his wife's sex drive is lower than his, and sometimes nonexistent. Dr. Phil confronts the wife -- Why aren't you giving him the sex he wants? or, What have you got against sex? or, You need to realize that sex is a necessary component of a good relationship, and other such statements, by which he faults the wife for not letting her husband molest her sexually. From a woman's inner feeling, being compelled to have sex with her husband when she is aversive to it, is like prostituting herself or at least, to be a slut. She doesn't want her choice being taken away from her as to how she should feel towards her husband. She knows what she is feeling and it hurts her for others to try to convince her that she is wrong in her feelings.

What Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura and the other male dominant therapists need to do is to start with the husband, not the wife. Cherchez le husband. In other words, start objectively by going directly to the source of the wife's aversion towards having sex with him. This is objectively the husband's responsibility. If sex in marriage is to be intimate and loving, rather than exploitative and slutty, it is the husband who needs to find ways to make the wife feel like being intimate with him. This is the husband's responsibility entirely, one hundred percent. The equity model would say that this is a fifty-fifty responsibility. One of the first things Dr. Phil says is "You need to negotiate," by which he means in this case, that the wife should give up her busy schedule and make room for being intimate with her husband. Then, Dr. Phil usually turns to the husband, as an afterthought it seems to me, to tell him that he must help too. He turns to her and says, "You must learn to say No to activities. Maybe you can work less hours. Maybe you don't need to do as much as you are doing. But you must find time for sex."

This is what I call sanctioning sexual blackmail. I call it this because I have learned that this is the woman's perspective on the issue. She feels herself compelled to have sex with her husband while she is aversive to it. She hates the idea of having him do his thing in her while she is dead tired, tense, sleepy, and resentful like hell at him. There is the point that Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura do not ever focus on, as it it were a nonexistent issue for them. And perhaps it is, from the mentality of the male dominance model (see the Tables in the Field Observations below.).

Back to the main point that needs be focused on in marriage therapy or counseling: It is the husband who needs help in understanding his contribution to his wife's aversion at having sex with him.

The husband is normally totally unaware that he has created this sexual aversion in his wife. Note that few wives ever allow themselves to express their feelings and say to their husbands, "You disgust me. I hate the way you touch me. I hate how you know nothing about me, nor are you interested." If a wife were to express this feeling to her husband, he would likely turn impotent with her for all times. A woman knows from inner perception what not to tell him about her feelings  though they are real to her.

If I were giving the advice, I would try to bring out these two steps:

(1) Teach the husband that things can be fixed if he accepts the idea that he is the cause of his wife's aversion to having sex with him. 

This is the case even if she says that it is because she is tired, or has too much work to get through, or there is no time or privacy, or some other justification. The  justification given by the wife may also be true, but the unspoken part is that she hates being sexually intimate with him and doesn't want to do it for sexual blackmail, which would make her feel like a slut slave and a worthless person unfit to be a mother or full fledged citizen. By saying No to him, she is protecting her dignity, freedom, and sanity. This is why it is so hard on women to have to be told by a marriage therapist that they should agree to more sex or give up on the marriage lasting. This idea is terribly threatening and disturbing, hence all the more cruel. The woman has to face all this cruelty and abuse from the male dominance model and oppose all of tradition and all of society, that are behind her husband's side and are all telling her, You must give him more sex, you must.

Once the husband accepts and understands this sexual blackmail feature of his demands, he can begin solving his situation.

(2) Teach the husband on how to obtain facts from his wife regarding all the ways he turns her off and makes her feel ant-sexual towards him.

One of the sharpest and most cruel of stabs a husband delivers to his wife is when he shows her by his behavior that he discounts her observations in comparison to his own. This is one of the most destructive habits to marriage in the male dominance model. The woman's opinion or explanation is driven away, banished from the subjective world of male intelligence. A man generally wants to discount a woman's opinion or perspective whenever it doesn't agree with the male intelligence or perspective. This attack is so pernicious to the woman's well being that she exhausts herself emotionally trying to make him listen. Inside of himself, the man laughs at her desperate attempts, confident in himself, knowing that she can't win, that he'll never give in on this point. Arrogantly he thinks that she should just give in and lay her own stubborn ideas to the side for the sake of his, and for the sake of their peace in marriage.

Here too, we can recognize the male dominance blackmail approach. He is saying to her, "Look woman, I've got you over the barrel. You need me, so you better just go along and give yourself a chance to be happy, or comfortable, or rich, or whatever." Again, this is blackmail for to go along with it, the woman has to give up her human rights -- her dignity, her freedom, and her sanity.

So the husband must be taught how to listen to his wife. For more on this, see the Readings under the "Doctrine of the Wife."

From the perspective of external bonds between the married partners, this blackmail double bind situation for the wife cannot be seen or understood. For instance, in the book and on her daily radio program, Dr. Laura often repeats to women callers that they should appreciate it and feel lucky when they have a good man for a husband. What is a good man? Dr. Laura specified that it is a man who is responsible enough to have a decent job, to support his family, and to want to spend time with his wife--going to Church, having sex, going for trips, talking to his wife, even helping out, although this last behavior is not a requirement for being a good husband. So when a husband comes home he expects and deserves his wife to cater to him, to his needs, to express appreciation for his courage in going out there into the world to earn a living for his family instead of running off with another woman.

When I read this in her book or hear it on her radio program, my mind screams in protest: What about the wife? Why doesn't  Dr. Laura mention the wife's hard work staying home taking care of everything--house, children, bills, pets, errands, after school lessons for the children, remembering birthdays for everyone, taking care of emergencies, going through pregnancy, taking all the nastiness and grossness her husband dishes out daily, etc. Why is Dr. Laura ignoring this?

I know if she read this she would protest that of course she does acknowledge the work of women--after all she has been a mother and a wife for many years, and she has been talking to women for many years.

But this doesn't take care of the problem I'm raising. In order to see the problem Dr. Laura will have to look at the male dominance model from the perspective of the equity model, something she may be familiar with, but doesn't think much of, not enough to make it part of her advice or talk. And yet she would have to give it the positive bias, which means to acknowledge the idea that the equity model may actually be superior to the male dominance model. With this acknowledgement, the argument can be examined and evaluated.

The equity model requires that every concept applied to the husband must simultaneously be applied to the wife--not later or in the next part of the discussion or in some past discussion. For instance, if Dr. Laura advises the wife that she be appreciative, she must at the same time advise the husband to be appreciative. This she does not do, ever. In her mind and in her understanding these two things are separate.. And this is the way one thinks from the male dominance perspective.

Dr. Laura is against being unfair to women in marriage, but she draws the line of fairness on the male side, not in the middle. Why do so many men and women think this way about marriage? Because it is traditional and part of one's culture and upbringing. Most people start the marriage relationship with a male dominance perspective.

Now what happens if we switch over to the equity model perspective?

What would Dr. Laura have to say to give advice from the perspective of the equity model? If she is talking to a man who is complaining that his wife doesn't greet him at the door with a warm smile and all pretty and nice smelling, Dr. Laura usually first finds out if he is a good husband. By this she means whether he brings home the family paycheck and has no extra-marital affairs. Then she agrees with him that his wife needs to learn how to show her appreciation for his being a good husband, something he deserves to receive from her if she respects him. That's it. She doesn't ask the man if and how he shows his appreciation of her being a good wife. That's because Dr. Laura doesn't define a good wife in the same way as she defines a good husband. A woman does not receive the epithet of "good wife" for all she does by taking care of the kids, the house, the bank, the car, and the driving to the ballet and soccer classes. This is something the wife  should be doing anyway -- according to the traditional dominance mentality as expressed by Dr. Laura. In order to be called a "good wife" she also needs to show her appreciation for her husband being good--doll herself up before he gets home, keep the children quiet, have dinner ready, and later, give him sex in the way he wants it.

Why the double standards?

This appears to be a necessary part of the male dominance model. I have observed this with other "media therapists" that I get to see on TV. Almost all of them are men and they operate from a perspective of male dominance. One of the most popular shows in this genre is "Dr. Phil" McGraw, and I've watched him many times deal with problems couples bring up. He talks to him, then to her. He lets him off easy, hardly ever challenging any of his statements, and smiling and being friendly with him. Then he focuses in on the wife. Now he is not smiling, but acting confrontational and intimidating. He grills her and constantly argues to get her to accept the blame for the marriage problems. Dr. Phil acts like he wants the wife to feel that she is the one who is at fault, she is the one who has to change and give up this or that expectation she has of her husband.

Another popular author and national seminar leader on marriage counseling is Dr. John Gray, known for his best seller book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (Harper Collins, 1992) and several other such books widely used in his "relationship seminars." I saw him several years ago appearing on the highly popular "Oprah" Winfrey afternoon television show. He was telling the audience that a wives should give their husbands sex every day, or as often the men want it. Oprah looked nonplussed: "You mean they should have sex even if they don't want to?" John Gray nodding vigorously said, "Yes. You know, men get all jammed inside if they don't have it." and he was pointing to his abdomen with rapid circular movements of his hand, no doubt to indicate the "jamming up" part. Although Oprah normally has popular therapists on her show for several shows, she never had John Gray again after that episode.

It's astonishing to me that John Gray, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Laura can apparently have so many women among their supporters and regular audience. I explain this by the overwhelming pressure these women must feel from their husbands, boy friends, media experts, and social norms, all of which operate to support the male dominance model of interaction between men and women. Mothers raise their daughters to cater to their father and brothers, and when they begin to date, there is enormous pressure on them to "please" the boy they are going with, which means to engage in sexual behavior with him. During this interaction, the woman will have to constantly fight off the advancing pressure. The man, ardent on satisfying himself, steps over the line the woman has set down. The pressure turns into physical intimidation, threat, force, date rape, or, as we are discussing here, sexual blackmail.

According to this cruel social rule, the wife must give her husband sex at a rate that can be mutually negotiated, but she has no legitimate right to rely on her own feelings whether to have sex or when.

The male dominance model has from time immemorial promoted the sexual slavery of women. For example, in the Old Testament days and culture men could have several wives, and they were allowed to overtly discriminate among them and their children. Men were allowed to divorce their wives merely by openly declaring their wish. They could then banish them from the household and all other help or protection. The men could do this, and still receive the respect of the community. This mentality is still governing the lives of the majority of women on this planet.

To be objective and accurate we must make a distinction between two types of abuse of women stemming from the male dominance model: physical and mental. Where there is physical abuse, there is also mental abuse. But there may be mental abuse without physical abuse. This is by far the most common form of abuse among men in our society. Men with a domestic violence history are not respected in our society. they are disapproved of and sometimes sent to jail. On the other hand, the majority of well respected and up standing citizens of most communities in this country will tolerate and practice mental abuse against women.

Mental abuse of wives by husbands includes these very common forms of cruel and denigrating behaviors:

  1. verbally expressing denigration and name calling

  2. talking with a threatening voice or implication

  3. maintaining silence and refusing to talk

  4. walking out in anger

  5. forcing physical intimacy without adequately preparing her for receptivity

  6. making her feel neglected and not appreciated

  7. showing disapproval or making her feel guilty about herself

  8. deliberately trying to confuse her so he can get his way with her

  9. breaking promises

  10. interrupting to prevent her from talking

  11. using her sexually than discarding her

  12. keeping her from expressing her true self

  13. keeping her from reaching her cherished goals

  14. showing disinterest in her

  15. exploiting her by making her work hard to do things for him

  16. damaging her reputation by gossiping about her

  17. and etc. (how many more can you add?)

Note especially item (5): forcing physical intimacy without adequately preparing her for receptivity. This is the type of mental abuse we've been discussing above regarding the advice offered by Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, and John Gray, among others. Why is the wife not reciprocating her husband's sexual advances? The male dominance model puts the blame on the wife. The equity model puts the blame on both the husband and the wife. The unity model puts the blame on the husband.

From the perspective of the unity model it is the husband who stands in the way of mental intimacy with the wife. The wife desires mental intimacy with her husband but the husband finds that kind of intimacy aversive. He desires the sexual relief, which is self-centered, not couple centered, or wife-centered.

The unity model has a wife-centric focus. It assumes that the wife wants mental conjunction and intimacy, while the husband is fighting it, trying to retain his mental independence. For women, sexual intimacy is a spontaneous and delightful consequence of mental intimacy with the man she loves and to whom she wants to conjoin herself. So if the wife refuses sexual intimacy with her husband, it's because he doesn't want to be mentally intimate with her. This is the cause of her apparent coldness to his hot advances. He is self-centered, or genital-centered. He wants sexual relief. Like Dr. John Gray said, "a man gets all jammed up in there if he doesn't get enough sex from his wife." That's what the man is looking for, to get unjammed. An approach to counseling that is guided by the male dominance model, cooperates with the husband's perspective and advocates a methodology that I have called sexual blackmail.

The male dominance model therapists advocate that the wife should have sex with her husband even when he is unwilling to be mentally intimate with her.

The unity model sees this as sexual blackmail because it is not healthy for a woman to have sex with a man who is unwilling to be mentally intimate with her.

By unhealthy, I mean that her self-respect and human dignity is injured, in the same way that slaves were hurt psychologically by being denied their human rights. Also, like women who are forced into prostitution by a boyfriend to whom they must hand over the money, and who beats them if they refuse him.

Making a woman have sex with her husband even though she doesn't want, is cruel to the wife and harmful to the marriage relationship. The male dominance model therapists and husbands want to separate the issue of "mental intimacy" and "sexual intimacy." This is a purely masculine perspective. The feminine perspective is that first comes mental intimacy, then physical intimacy. Sex should be the outcome or consequence of mental intimacy. In prostitution or casual sex, there is no requirement for mental intimacy to be present, and in fact, all parties prefer that mental intimacy be left out of the sexual transactions. When men get married they bring into the marriage this male dominant perspective. Therapists like John Gray, among many others, support the husband's perspective, despite the fact that it is harmful to the wife and to the marriage. Ultimately it is harmful to the husband since this perspective inhibits real intimacy and the rich life of conjunction. He doesn't get to find out how warm and passionate and sweet his wife actually is when he develops mental intimacy with her.

11.3.5.1  How does the husband develop mental intimacy with his wife?

There are two steps.

First, he must stop adding to her mental distress.
Second, he must start easing her mental distress.

These are simple strategies, easy to understand and carry out by husbands. They are not done because husbands resist and refuse, soon after they find out all that is included in these two rules. A husband who follows these two rules, loves his wife. But a husband who refuses to practice these rules daily, does not love his wife.

Here is a list of common behaviors by a husband which keeps him from becoming mentally intimate with his wife.

  1. blames his wife for something

  2. expresses anger at his wife for something

  3. insults his wife

  4. says things unflattering about her

  5. embarrasses her in front of others

  6. refuses to talk about something she wants

  7. says No to her despite her pleadings

  8. ignores her when she walks into the room

  9. fails to stop her anxieties when he can so by calling

  10. forgets things that she wants him to remember

  11. doesn't try to find out how she wants to be handled physically

  12. lets her feel that he doesn't feel as responsible for housework and other marriage tasks, as he expects her to be

  13. doesn't try to get rid of habits he has that she doesn't like

  14. doesn't come to her rescue when he sees she is in distress (e.g., has too many things to do)

  15. tries to get her to do things for him even when she rather not do them

  16. gets insulted at her for saying something to him he doesn't like

  17. tells her she is a nag for repeatedly reminding him of his broken promises

  18. maintains relationships with men friends from which she feels excluded

  19. lies to her and hides things from her

  20. puts limits around certain issues where she is given no power of influence

  21. makes sarcastic remarks that hurt her self-image

  22. sees her being disturbed about something and does nothing about it

  23. makes her accept his choice in something when she would prefer something else (e.g., ordering food, renting a movie, selecting a TV channel, going somewhere, buying something, etc.)

  24. shows sexual interest in another woman (real life or media)

  25. shows interest in pornography (videos, magazines, Web, Internet, dancers)

  26. dampens her enthusiasm for something she proposes or anticipates

  27. doesn't show interest in her hormonal or ob-gyn issues

  28. allows himself to be gross in her presence (passing gas, burping, wolfing food down, bad breath, nose har, old clothes, etc.)

  29. scolding her for spending money

  30. not wanting to go shopping with her or acting impatient when going

  31. etc. (how many more can you add?)

If I were a marriage counselor I would tell husbands that they need to monitor their interactions with the wife and note how many of these behaviors they commit in a day. They cannot do this on their own so they need to enlist the cooperation of their wife. She will help him identify the exchanges that make her feel separate from him instead of intimate. Husbands who do this sincerely and persistently will discover how passionate and sweet their wife can be. Never again will they complain that they are all jammed up sexually and prepared to get it by blackmail, intimidation, or guilt.

This morning on my way back from campus I listened to Dr. Laura on her daily radio program. A woman called in and asked for advice on what to do about her husband who has accused her of not caring about him because she is teaching Sunday School while he attends Church with the family. Her child is in the Sunday School class and that's one of the reasons she didn't feel like dropping the activity. Dr. Laura immediately accused her of not being a good wife because she is choosing some task she wants to do over her husband. Dr. Laura admonished the woman that she should appreciate the fact that her husband is willing to go to Church instead of going off to his golf on his own. The woman said she did appreciate that but sometimes he comes along and sometimes he doesn't want to, so she doesn't like the idea of dropping her Sunday School teacher activity, with her daughter in the class. Dr. Laura insisted the wife is being selfish and foolish. Do you want to break up your marriage? The days he doesn't want to go to Church, that's fine, just stay home with him.

Looking at this from the perspective of the equity and unity models one can see clearly that it is the husband who is being selfish and foolish in this situation. He doesn't respect her religion  if he feels he can stay home any time he doesn't feel like going, and then expects her to stay home too. Furthermore, he doesn't respect his wife since he is willing to put an end to her Sunday School teaching when she is so involved in it, and when it is a good thing to do, as indeed it is. He is being selfish for disregarding his wife's request that she continue to teach Sunday School on account of their child being there. Dr. Laura could have advised that the husband should join her in teaching Sunday School. He can sit in and help her manage the kids. He doesn't need to know the subject matter she is teaching. This would show his respect for his wife and family. But Dr. Laura would not be able to support such a solution as long as she is speaking exclusively from the male dominance model.

This is a common way in which husbands are unwilling to be mentally intimate with their wives. In this case, the husband was unwilling to show respect for her Sunday School involvement. This is a mental abuse. Dr. Laura could not see that it is mental abuse. Instead, she saw it as a reasonable demand on the part of the husband, and she put the blame on the wife for not going along with his demand. Now suppose the husband tries to have sex with his wife that week. He is demanding that she be physically intimate with him even though he is refusing to be mentally intimate with her. She is not only not turned on by his touchings, but she is turned off, and makes her feel dirty to have to give in to him for fear of his retaliations. If they should call Dr. Laura, or go consult Dr. Phil on his show, the wife would be told that she is being selfish or stupid for not having sex with such a good husband who brings home the paycheck and is interested in her instead of going to another woman. This is the mentality and level of moral reasoning of the male dominance model.

Recall this very important fact: We all start out with the male dominance model!

This is what we inherit culturally, spiritually, and socially, both men and women. Then, as women have more life experience and understanding, they quickly figure it out and try to do the best with the man they end up with. The men are resistant. They want to hold on to the male dominance model of interaction with women. They love it. And so they accuse the women of nagging them, of not accepting them for who they are, and they pressure the women to back off into silence and obedience. In other words, the men refuse to be mentally intimate even though they demand that the women be physically intimate with them. This puts the women into a hurtful double bind. It is a cruel thing to do to them, but the men do not care about this type of cruelty. They just want the women to keep quiet about it because it is too inconvenient for them to deal with.

But fortunately, many men come to discover that they like mental intimacy with women. They then have to voluntarily lay aside the culturally inherited tendency to hate and denigrate women. This is a giant battle within themselves, but eventually they can move on to the equity model. Their wives or girlfriends now experience some relationship relief. At last she has some chance now since he is allowing them to negotiate over many things. She now has some victories that make her life more comfortable, and draws them closer in mental intimacy. This feels to her like a big relief. but there continue to be problems because the man keeps falling back on blackmail methods of negotiating, which is a male dominance pattern within the equity model.

Eventually the wife will remain unfulfilled unless the husband is willing to begin acting from the unity model. This is the interactional position the wife wants with her husband and lover. She needs for him to follow the Rule of the Doctrine of the Wife (see Section xx), which is that, he always has to align his thoughts and feelings to agree with hers. Once he is steadily committed to this unity model of behavior, the wife begins to feel that she is winning, that her desire for conjunction is actually happening. Now at last she has a husband who wants to be mentally intimate with her. The sexual happiness of the couple then reaches a new high unknown to them before.

They are now soul-mates, on their way to conjugial love in eternal union in the immortality of their heaven.

11.3.5.2  Political Semantics of the Male Dominance Model

Built into the male dominance model, are hurtful persuasive strategies that may be called "political semantics" because their goal is to convince women to go along with their lower status in the marriage relationship. It's normal for the inner sense of freedom we all have to revolt against being enslaved. The political semantics of the male dominance model fabricates a web of arguments that appear rational on the surface, but are not, when you examine their logic carefully. Women are subjected to that faulty logic and pressure is put on them to go along with it, to stop rebelling against it, to keep the peace, not to upset the cart, to just take it as a necessary aspect of social living, etc. etc. -- arguments that are designed to neutralize and discourage women from demanding justice and respect.

The politics of semantics is a general strategy used in society to shape people's beliefs and attitudes, and to recast existing meanings to fit the political agenda. In gender politics, the agenda is to keep men in the dominance position relative to women. One of the consequence of this gender politics is the male dominance model in marriage relationships. It gives words and arguments a special meaning that is filled with male dominance assumptions and presuppositions. Until these presuppositions are made explicit it appears that the male dominance arguments have logical force and exert a strong influence on the thinking of women and their resultant submission. Women are taught these male dominant principles from their childhood onward and they are reinforced every day by the media one is exposed to. Women grow up talking to each other using male dominant concepts without knowing it. Those women know it who analyze the presuppositions of the male dominant arguments used against them by their loved ones and their marriage counselors, male and female. These women then realize that they are being enslaved by the men who say they love them. When they bring it up, the men deny it or don't want to talk about it. Thus the women are left with no recourse, and they feel desperate and lonely amidst the social business of their marriage.

Let us examine some of the principal strategies involved in the political semantics of the male dominance model.

11.3.5.2.1  "Nagging"

The word nagging is pejorative in meaning, and therefore when you apply that word to a woman, you are insulting her as a woman. You are insulting her femininity, thus trying to hurt her in her inner core -- very damaging, very pernicious, very evil. This is especially true because the term "nagging" is applied to something the wife is doing in the management role she was given by society and the husband. The wife was given the job of maintaining order in the domestic household and of keeping things going for the benefit of the family. Husbands want the political reputation of "helping" around the house, of sharing the chores. As long as they maintain this reputation, they have the power to keep enjoying their male prerogatives. The wife is intimidated into silence when she is reminded how lucky she is because she has a man who is willing to help and share the work load at home.

The wife knows this isn't true. The husband want only the reputation that they are sharing the load, but they have not taken on the responsibility for getting it down. They figure that since they are "volunteering" their services they should be appreciated by the wife -- whatever they are willing to offer her. She should be content with just the fact that he is willing to do his share. There is an unstated assumption here: ".... when it's not really his final responsibility." That's why she should be content -- according to this pernicious and false argument.

The wife points out that he is not really doing what he promises to help with, and that she has to repeatedly remind him of doing them, so that ultimately he is not taking final responsibility for them, but leaves that on her. In other words, the husband is not really easing her burden of responsibility yet he is claiming he is, and marriage counselors and social authorities agree with him and take his side against her. They show this one-sidedness by using the word "nagging" when the wife is making desperate attempts to get him to keep his promises, not just his reputation.

In my view, the rational and good thing to do would be to support the wife, to make the husband admit that he is not taking responsibility for doing the chores he agreed to do. He is not considering how the wife is affected when he postpones doing something he agreed to do. "Did you take the garbage out?" The husband should be taught by the marriage authority figures that the purpose of his helping with domestic tasks is to ease her mental burden and distress while having to manage the joint household. This must be the husband's primary focus: How can I ease her mental stress. His perspective is not helpful. He is thinking, "Well, I told her I'll take out the garbage. I will do it when I'm ready. She should just forget about the garbage. She should not nag me with it. I hate that." So his focus is on himself -- how he hates something she is doing. Instead, his focus should be on his wife -- how he needs to ease her distresses.

When he calls what she is doing as "nagging," the husband is attacking the core being of his wife's femininity.

In addition, he is missing the boat of intimacy in marriage. He is putting distance between himself and his wife when he falls into the pit of name calling, using derogatory terms to refer to the woman he says he loves. A few hours later, that same man will approach his wife in bed and want her to give him sex. She remembers that he called her by a derogatory feminine insult. She feels hurt and separated from him. What is she supposed to do now? Allow herself to be physically intimate with him across the mental gulf of separation? Whenever she gives in to his exploitative sexual demands or expectations, she feels like a prostitute or sexual slave. So she says she is tired, has a headache, and turns away, hoping to find some solace and sanity in her corner of the bed.

The man who calls his wife's behavior as "nagging" has an internal mental framework of women that is disrespectful and unjust. It is part of the attitudes we inherit in our socialization. Men are raised to disrespect the human rights of women. They are taught that it's all right to try to enslave women. I saw a disturbing TV documentary the other day that showed conversations between girls in third grade, or around the age of nine, thus pre-puberty. They were talking about boys and sharing notes. They talked about being pressured by the boys whom they were "dating" to give them orgasmic gratification. They used graphic and explicit language about how to do it efficiently. They said that the boys insist on it and if the girls don't service them, they refuse to have anything to do with them, make fun of them, gossip about them, and harass them in various denigrating ways. These young boys and girls are in training, practicing the male dominance model with each other. The women learn the notion that society expects them to service men sexually. When they become a little order, this includes sexual intercourse on dates and in marriage, whenever the man says he wants it or needs it.

The great irony of this tradition-grounded sexual abuse of women by men is that men get the false and pernicious belief that women don't like sex as much as men. In fact, the opposite is the case, as every woman knows, and as every man knows who likes women for their femininity.

The male dominance model creates a mental separation between men and women. The result is that women have no other recourse but to refuse having sex with their husbands, whenever they feel they can get away with it without heavy retaliation. This refusal to have sex does not mean that the women want sex less than the men. The women need and want sex because this gives them the intimacy in the relationship that relieves and takes away their stress of life. It's only when the men drive them to desperation that women are willing to give up the sexual intimacy they need and crave for. The husband can improve his act by showing that he cares about relieving her stress and distress. If he agrees to put out the garbage, he stays focused on it so that he does it when he knows she expects him to do it. He does not postpone it because he is motivated by the right thing -- his wife's distress. If he forgets, and she has to remind him, he never thinks of her as nagging. He thinks of her as helpful. He thanks her. He does it immediately. He apologizes for the fact she had to remind him and therefore experience stress as a result of his not having done it. This is mental intimacy. When the husband does that to his wife, she will be propelled by her own emotions to look for sexual intimacy with him at the first opportunity.

The husband has to maintain this focus on the wife's emotional needs for mental intimacy. He will see his domestic tasks not as "helping" her, but as easing her mind and sharing the focus and involvement. This is what she needs and craves for, and this is what he should compel himself to give her.

11.3.5.2.2  "Give him sex"

As pointed out in the previous section, the hostile political semantics of "nagging" creates a mental distance between the man who uses that word and idea, and the woman who knows that the man thinks of her in derogatory terms that demean her femininity. There are multiple anti-feminine words and ideas that husbands bring into the marriage and contribute to the mental distance with their wives. This mental distance inhibits and suppresses mental intimacy, upon which is based a woman's feeling of wanting to be sexually intimate with that man. Women are biologically and spiritually "wired in" for conjugial love or the celestial marriage. Women crave deeply for the soul-mate to come along and save her from her loneliness. A woman feels loneliness within her being, and she craves deeply and intensely to fulfill herself in a complete and total union with a man. It is in this complete and total union with a husband that a woman's immortality lies. Swedenborg discussed this point with women who had been married to a man for thousands of years in their heavens. These women looked in the "prime of their beauty," forever youthful, happy, fulfilled more and more each day to eternity. This is the mental state for which God created woman, for which she craves constantly without letup, and in which she finds herself completed at last as true and genuine woman.

This is the mental intimacy a wife craves for, and this is the very thing that a man naturally hates and avoids.

At first.

This is how men enter into relationships with women prior to marriage, and bring this outlook with them in marriage. You can see why so many women feel desperate after waiting for a few years within the marriage, waiting for the man she is with to be willing to conjoin himself with her mentally, not just sexually in accordance with his corporeal desires and physical and physiological makeup. The wife longs for the day when her husband will have sex with her after he fulfilled her need to be mentally intimate with him. She needs to see how he humbles himself as a biological man and uses his higher mental powers to compel himself to become mentally intimate with her. She has watched him for years turn away in disgust from her femininity. Whenever she reveals some of her femininity to him, he tries to squash it, turn it around, deflect it, argue with it, insult it. This is how she sees his idea of her "nagging" him to put out the garbage. What does he do when she reveals to him that she needs for him to involve himself with her feelings and emotions of distress every day? He deflects the idea into a concession or promise to "help" her more. Marriage counselors in the male dominance mode are fully satisfied with the husband when he does this.

But the wife is desperate. She begins to doubt herself in the face of such authority of society. Maybe there is something wrong with her individually, she wonders with deep distress and alarm. She is confused by all this political activity within her relationship. She knows clearly and definitively from within what it is she wants. She wants and needs mental intimacy, mental conjunction, mental unition, mental unity, oneness. She can hardly say these words or think these thoughts. They are words and thoughts from the angel wives in their immortal happiness as conjugial wives united to a conjugial husband. Their thoughts echo as vague feelings and longings inside the heart and will of every woman.

The politics of sexual blackmail for the benefit of male dominance prevents a husband and wife from entering into a deeper spiritual union that involves them in mutual and reciprocal mental intimacy. The masculinity of the man now has to come face to face with the femininity of the woman. From the perspective of a man I can report that this is an awesome and terrifying encounter. Men can know their wives for 20 years and never come face to face with their femininity. Men are not aware of this, and may want to deny this, upon reading it. But every man can examine the objective evidence by observing himself. This self-witnessing effort must be constant all day long for many months and years (see Section xx). But even at the beginning you can already observe how you turn away from your wife when she wants to be mentally intimate with you.

For example, at as shopping outing together, she somehow got it wrong, and didn't show up at the place you were to meet her. After much annoyance and stress, you find her. You show your annoyance, sometimes aggressively, embarrassing her, or sarcastically, calling her names or implying something unflattering. You now expect her to pacify you, to act like she is sorry, to eat humble pie so as to soothe your disturbed emotional state. Instead, she argues with you about who got it wrong in the first place. You argue back. You both get to the car and start the ride home. You stay silent as a protest against her behavior.

In this episode, so common among couples, the husband is continuously and repeatedly turning away from his wife's femininity. He hates that femininity. He hates what that femininity thinks and does. "Why doesn't she admit that she is the one who got it wrong and as a result, I had to wait and wait for her." The husband is performing avoidance of femininity. He is turning her down for mental intimacy. Instead, he wants to maintain his masculine idea of what happened. Later, some of us learn that we can abandon the masculine perspective on many of our interactions with the wife. This doesn't mean that we are becoming less manly. And later we discover that facing the femininity in our wife enhances our manliness or manhood. This is the process of becoming mentally intimate with one's wife. The more we as husbands, involve ourselves in the femininity of our wife, the more we feel our manhood. This is because the anatomy and physiology of our mental organs have been created by God with reciprocal functions that are totally masculine or totally feminine. Note one thing in a man's mind can be like any thing in a woman's mind, and vice versa. This total and absolute differentiation at all levels of being, between a man and a woman, makes it functionally possible for the man and the woman to be united into a perfect conjugial union that lasts to eternity and enhances the feelings of each partner, magnifying it into joy, bliss, and happiness.

What's more, the mental intimacy that allows this conjugial unity, is built into the woman's framework by birth, but is absent at birth from the man's framework. The man has the capacity to change his inherited traits regarding male dominance. This change is to be voluntary, acquired through the man's own self-compulsion. No one, the wife the least, can compel the man to love and honor her femininity by suppressing and abandoning his male dominance model which holds women in inferior position to themselves in many areas in life. The wife has no power to compel the man to be mentally intimate with her. He has the power. A man wants to do everything from his own voluntary motivation and understanding.  Otherwise he feels coerced, like a slave, and he rebels in fury and turns away. But man in this brutish state is not happy, despite his macho bravado exterior. He doesn't know what's wrong. The wife knows, but he does not yet listen to her insights about him. Eventually, through the wife's cumulative love and sweet caring efforts, the husband begins to discover that he loves her femininity. It's not scary at all, not ugly, not naggy and spiteful and confused and unpredictable. Femininity is beautiful, and interesting, and wise, and fun, and sexy.

This is what the enlightened husbands get to find out -- that femininity is sexy. Wives who have attained mental intimacy with their husbands have never been accused of not giving them enough sex. To instruct a woman to "give him more sex," as is done by many male dominance marriage counselors,  is not only to hurt the wife's femininity, but also to make it more difficult for the couple to become mentally intimate. It's mental intimacy that the therapists and counselors should be focusing on, in my view. Once that is resolved, the sexual intimacy is resolved. A man loses his manly integrity and beauty when he complains about his wife that she is not giving him enough sex. Instead of addressing the sexual frequency issue directly, and unfairly confronting the wife about it, marriage counselors should, in my view, address the mental intimacy problem. And this problem should be addressed to the husband, not the wife, since it is the man who turns away from it while the woman desires it.

11.3.5.2.3   "Don't try to change him"

What is mental intimacy? Few men consider this topic of sufficient interest to have formulated an adequate idea of what mental intimacy is. Women on the other hand think of nothing more than mental intimacy. It is the biological and spiritual urge in them to always to seek mental intimacy with the man they love.  Women know that mental intimacy with a man is allowing yourself to be changed by the partner so you fit better together. When a woman loves a man she strives hard to please him, which means to get to know his thoughts and his sense of humor, his likes and dislikes, his passions. When a wife in love tries to be mentally be intimate with her husband, she fidgets with his hair, straightens his collar, washes his clothes, shops for his underwear, reads his letters, rearranges his room, gives him instructions, tells him what to do, what not to wear, whom to avoid, etc. etc. In other words, the loving and intimate wife wants to be all over her husband all the time.

But beyond such sensorimotor intimacy, which she experiences as being in his life physically, she also wants to be in his life mentally. This means being able to roam around her husband's thoughts and feelings. This is the essence of mental intimacy as experienced by femininity. A wife will ask questions upon questions in pursuit of his revelations and confessions. She doesn't want any secrets or covered closets between them. When I was still getting my act together as a conjugial husband, I disliked such close attention to the details of something I did or thought. I felt that she should accept the amount of detail I gave, which was considerable, and not probe beyond that. I didn't like it. It felt like over-control to all the control I already agreed to let her have. It's only much later that I was able to experience her involvement in micro-details as her femininity in operation. She was in her very life when she was involved with the micro-details of my life, thoughts, and doings. For me to experience this as anything but feminine love, sweet and inquisitive, would be to betray her to the core of our relationship.

I have learned from my discussion with students that it's common for men to think that their girlfriend or wife should not try to change them. So strong is this male dominant tradition that many of the women students also think this. The women have internalized the arguments of the men and now they act like they too believe it. Deep down they do not accept the argument because they can perceive within themselves that their man should listen to her perceptions and insights about him. The women can perceive the man's habits that are detrimental to his happiness and effectiveness as a man, as well as detrimental to their relationship. But she may also realize that the man is going to refuse taking in her influence on his habits. She also sees that if she insists on discussing the issue, the man turns cold towards her and this hurts her deeply. So she tries to avoid making him cold by being too intimate with him. She keeps her distance, and this makes her interiorly sad and lonely, but forever hopeful in case he might change his mind and his attitudes and allow her to roam around in his mind.

Cognitive intimacy between husband and wife is not merely sharing of ideas and telling each other secrets. It is also gaining the right to roam around in each other's mind.

What happens when a man tells his wife or girlfriend that she should not try to change him and that she should accept him as a human being for what he uniquely is. Or else, the man may say that certain of his "family" traits are innate and cannot be changed. Or else the man might accuse the woman of not liking him for who he is, of not accepting him as a person. When a man takes this position, the woman experiences him as cold. This is an important concept to women, yet men are mostly unaware of it. When a man wants to stop his wife from roaming around his mind, she experiences him as turning cold. Mental cold is the opposite of mental intimacy. A woman experiences mental intimacy as hot and free. So does a man -- but only after he has entered a new enlightened phase of life and marriage.

A conjugial husband who has learned to love the femininity of his wife feels warm and expansive when his wife roams around his mind. He thoroughly enjoys mental intimacy with her and experiences it as romantic love.

He feels her poking around his memory. He is intrigued by what in him interests her. When she sees something she wants to fix, change, or rearrange in his mind, he is delighted by the attention. Pretty soon he is turned on by her interest and he gets animated and enthusiastic. He has a good time as she tells him to stop thinking a certain way about something. He is very agreeable about it. He is delighted by being able to please her in that way. 

In my years of preparation and development as a conjugial husband I would feel this type of mental roaming around as an invasion of privacy or selfhood. Sometimes even as betrayal. For example, I would tell her about something that I said to someone. My wife would then comment that what I said was not a good thing to do. I would then give her further details and she would use these details against me, I thought, to prove that I was wrong. I hated that. I thought she was trespassing upon my territory. I thought that she had no business doing that since she knew little about the totality of the situation. I felt like she was betraying me after I told her these details. This was my conjugial cold as a husband. But in later years I realized that it was all wrong and delusional for me to go off on that angle. This is not what she was doing. She was being her femininity. She was caring and loving and honest and sweet. She takes it upon herself to fix my mind so that it be healed from all the male dominance craziness I inherited from culture and practiced for many years. She was giving me a new chance to be free as a real man.

And now I feel it is normal and good for my wife to act on my physical and mental territory as if it was her own. The thought of "don't try to change me" is far from me. Instead I want her to change me because I feel it as her love and sweetness in me.

11.3.5.2.4   "Keep yourself attractive for him"

When men apply this idea to married women they mean "sexually" attractive. One of the common ways husbands bad mouth their wives is to say that they "have let themselves go," by which they mean that their wives are not acting sexually seductive, when they used to while the two of them were dating. 

The idea of a woman acting seductively to a man is a man's way of thinking. When they get married, men seldom give up their sexual interests in other women. They may boast that they have been faithful to their partner for many years, yet at the same time they hide their unfaithful thoughts and fantasies. Men believe that if they are unfaithful in thought and fantasy, they are still to be considered faithful as long as they don't act out their sexuality physically with another woman. Some men even insist that they can carry out an intimate email exchange with another woman and still feel that he deserves to be called faithful to his wife, as long as he doesn't make an attempt to phone the woman or to see her. Many husbands think it's all right for them to enjoy pornography as long as it doesn't lead to actually seeing another woman. It's not uncommon for husbands away from home at a conference to visit a strip bar and to spend money on the "working girls" there  who pleasure the men in various ways. 

Men have invented a form of male dominance sexuality in which the woman is expected to please the man by acting seductively. During the dating phase of intimacy, women go along with such macho expectations and try to act seductively. Without this, they know that  the man would not commit to a long term relationship. The women feel that they have no choice. In addition, the women may be confused from all the male propaganda in our society that elevates female seductive behavior to a high degree of desirability and reward. Some women even fall into the notion that seductiveness is femininity. But it is not. To a woman sex is something that follows and flows from mental intimacy. Seductive behavior puts the cart before horse. When a man wants a woman to act seductively, he is giving up his true role as a man. Many men are so addicted to seductive sexuality that they become impotent with their wives and lose all interest in having sex with them. Marriage counselors and the media encourage seductive behavior on the part of women. This is a male perspective -- "Promise me sexual favors in advance so that I may be sure that you're going to give out. I don't have to do anything. You have to be my sexual slave." This constitutes a sexual turn on for men who have not learned to be mentally intimate with a woman.

The idea that a wife should "keep herself attractive" for her husband is chauvinistic because it does not apply to the husband at the same time. It would be all right if you said that married partners should keep themselves looking attractive to each other. This means him and her. He should not walk around the house in his dirty shorts, unshaven for the whole weekend, smelling of beer and beans. He should not put on weight and he should maintain his physical conditioning so that he may do things around her with strength and grace. Similarly, she should be clean, avoid being overweight, and wear clothes that fit and are decorative and feminine. These rules are good rules of living for both. They are completely different from the unjust and denigrating rule of the wife having to look "sexy" when the man comes home from work.

When a husband says to the wife, "Be more sexy for me," he is breaking intimacy with her. A wife likes the idea of her husband wanting to have sex with her. She is is always very willing. All he has to do is to put her in the mood so she can be genuinely sexy instead of seductively or artificially faking it. He can succeed with her sexually by being mentally intimate first. I have had to learn over the years that mental intimacy is not something I can turn on and off. For instance, if I speak to my wife sharply or impatiently in the morning, forget to do a couple of things she expected me to do in the afternoon, and come home in a bad mood, then I cannot expect to reverse everything a few minutes before bedtime, act nice and interested in her for awhile, and then expect her to fall in bed and have sex. Mental intimacy cannot be turned on and off. It has to be maintained in order to give the woman the preparedness she needs for giving herself sexually to her man.

11.3.5.2.5   "That's how men are"

The gender politics of the male dominance model strives to maintain a double standard that is strict and harsh on women but easy going on men. Women are expected to adapt themselves to their husbands while men are, well, the way they are. You cannot change men, according to this false ideology. Before men become husbands, they are are trained in the philosophy known as "boys will be boys." That women are discouraged from pre-marital promiscuity is a given, even is men are allowed to "sow their wild oats" before getting married and "settling down." Marriages have been weakened in the sense that men and women are less capable of benefiting and fulfilling each other, many of them ending in divorce. Marriages can be restored to their created greatness by restoring a philosophy of chastity for both men and women. Swedenborg talked to couples in their immortal heaven who had lived on earth thousands of generations ago. They belonged to the early generations of the human race on earth called the celestial civilization (see Section xx). Both men and women had a premarital life of chastity. Adultery did not exist. They had celestial marriages on earth with the husband and wife fully conjoined in mental intimacy through living the unity model.

It has often been said that men are by nature promiscuous while women are monogamous. This is true of the unenlightened natural man, before he is willing to undergo character reformation and become a spiritual man (see Section xx). After he becomes spiritual, a man also becomes monogamous, not just by self-compulsion, but my mental disposition as well. A spiritually enlightened husband understands that marriage is a creation by God, and thus most holy. He knows from revelation that marriage is forever. When he is enlightened, a man thinks back on his marriage vows "till death do us part" and wants to amend it "till death do us part in this world and then to eternity in the afterlife." This is the conjugial commitment -- "I will be for you everything I can be to make you happy. This means changing myself so that I have what it takes to make you happy from myself. This is my love for you so that I can be yours more and more, and you can be mine more and more, to the eternal future."

11.3.5.2.6   "Show that you appreciate him"

I typed the phrase "Show that you appreciate him" into the google.com Web search engine and it listed 57 sites that use this phrase. Several that I looked at had to do with giving advice to women on how to convince their man that they love him and appreciate him. Here are two samples. The first is about interactions generally, while the second is specifically sexual. Both samples are written from the male dominance perspective, and they may have been written by women or men.

65 WAYS TO SAY YOU LOVE HIM
            c. Show That You Appreciate Him
21. Do your best to stay up and greet him with a hug if he's stuck working super-late.
22. Write him thank-you notes whenever he gets you treats or does huge favors.
23. Take him out for ice cream after he's quit a job he hates, nervous, scored a new one,
        been promoted, or earned a raise.
24. If you can Keep track of his big business meetings so you remember to ask him how they went.
26. Show up at his softball, hoops, hockey games or the games he likes the most and cheer the loudest.
27. Read his magazines and discuss some of the articles with him.
28. Master the fundamentals of his favorite sport to watch or play.
30. If you are working then try to arrive first, so you can greet him with a huge hug and smile.
            (Seen on the Web in December 2004 at 
                www.suratcityonline.com/women/relationship/65ways2.asp )

====================

            Get Physical (and More)
14. Get a bikini wax in the middle of winter.
16. Wear your sexiest shoes -- and nothing else -- to bed.
18. Invite him to join you in the bathtub during what's supposed to be your precious alone time.
19. Let him change your mind when you don't think you're in the mood.
20. Get some lingerie in his favorite color.
21. Pat him on the butt in front of his buddies.
22. Get a temporary tattoo and have him strip-search you to find it.
24. Draw the curtains and declare it a naked day.
25. Grab his crotch when you're on a crowded dance floor or watching a movie in a theater.
26. Wipe your lipstick off your mouth before you attack him with a surprise make-out session.
27. Trace "I love you" on his back and have him guess what you're writing.
28. Call him right before he leaves the office and tell him you have a sexy surprise for him when he gets home -- then follow up.
31. Tell him you're not wearing underwear the next time you're at a family event.
        (On the Web December 2004 Redbook Magazine Sex & Marriage  http://magazines.ivillage.com/redbook/sex/closer/articles/0,,284441_289189-2,00.html?arrivalSA=1&cobrandRef=0&arrival_freqCap=2

The first sample is from the male dominance perspective because it advises the woman to adopt the interaction manners of a man. The items listed are masculine behaviors, thought up in the male imagination of a man, and taught to other men and women so that it has become part of the political semantics of male dominance in society. For instance, a woman should "Master the fundamentals of his favorite sport, " "Read his magazines," and "Show up at his softball games and cheer the loudest." This is what a man would think when asked how a woman can show that she appreciates him. Should a woman therefore act this way? Or, should a man learn more feminine ways of receiving the message that she appreciates him?

The feminine way would be to express her fondness of him by telling him that she is fond of him and what she likes about him. She would also express sensorimotor intimacy on a continuum that the man should keep track of. She might touch his arm and lean on it while crossing the street. She would smile at him often and look into his eyes. She could kiss him on the lips. She might write him a note or give him a modest gift. The behavioral items listed in the first sample are indeed practiced by many women, but it is not because of their femininity thinking of acting that way. Their motivation to act this way is from their femininity, namely, how can she gain the man's attention and loyalty. This is an exquisite feminine involvement and activity. But the manner of acting as portrayed in the items is not the style of behavior she would choose. She does it anyway, though she feels this is not how she would like to express herself. In her feminine thinking she would rather that he change his involvement, paying more attention to her in particular, than these political and official "moves" in the relationship game, as seen by men.

The second sample advises wives to act seductively towards their husband as a way of showing him that she loves him. It tells the woman to do things she would not do, like "Getting a bikini wax in the winter," or "Grabbing his crotch on a dance floor or a movie theater." These are items fabricated by the male dominance way of thinking about women sexually as playmates for men. In other words, a husband fantasizes that a wife should act this way, and if she did, he would be more sexually interested in her. Instead, he could become involved in her femininity, and how a woman naturally feels like expressing her sexual love to her husband. She would not "wear her shoes to bed -- and nothing else." She would not naturally want to "Pat him on the butt in front of his buddies" or "not wearing underwear at a family event."

A man's imagination thinks of such things because he is in the socialized habit of sexualizing women's body parts. He thinks of her "not wearing panties at a family gathering" as a provocative expression of her sexuality. On the other hand, she thinks of it as mixing things in a disturbing and uncomfortable way. She considers not wearing parties as something inconvenient and awkward. He wants her to ignore her feelings of inconvenience and strangeness and get involved with his sexualizing image of her not wearing panties.  The male dominance perspective wants woman to act in accordance with what a man fantasizes as sexy. The unity model perspective wants a man to act in accordance with what makes a woman feel sexy.

The advice "Let him change your mind when you don't think you're in the mood" is part of the sexual blackmail discussed above. The male dominance view wants the wife to ignore her feelings of not wanting to have sex when her husband acts like he wants to. The advice is to go ahead anyway -- if you want to show him that yu love him. This is a male dominance perspective. It urges the woman to go against her feelings at the moment. Remember that those feelings of distance she feels have been there for hours and days, or longer. He has not been willing to become mentally intimate with her during those hours, days, or weeks. And even now, as he is feeling the urge of physical sex, he wants her to act like man, to ignore the mental intimacy issues that separate them, and to get involved in the physical sex of the moment. It doesn't bother the male dominance point of view to notice that she is not sexually aroused, prepared, and in the mood. The husband wants to have sex with her anyway, even if she is not prepared for it because he did not do his share.

The advice is therefore a form of sexual blackmail or slavery. According to this male view, a husband has a constitutional right to have sexual access to the wife. In other words, she doesn't have the right to refuse sexual activity even though he has not prepared her for it by being mentally intimate with her first. The advice women commonly receive from experts consists of a set of behaviors she must perform for him if he is to believe her that she loves him. She must "Get some lingerie in his favorite color," "Get a temporary tattoo and have him strip-search her to find it," or "Draw the curtains and declare it a naked day." Women are pressured into acting according to the imagination of a man who hates femininity.

This assertion is difficult for men to accept prior to their enlightenment. According to their view, they love femininity since their fantasies are about women and their bodies. But this is incorrect. All men are born with a natural enjoyment of having sex with many women. This motivation and involvement with having sex is not an indication that they love femininity, The opposite is the case. When men begin to love femininity, they realize that all along they had but a male picture of having sex with a woman. And this male picture involves the dominance and abuse of femininity. You know this when you consider that almost every nation on this planet sanctions abusive and shocking practices against young girls and women, married or not. You can see it on TV where abuse of women by men is a common portrayal. The sexual abuse and exploitation of women is nothing else than hatred of femininity. The sex industry -prostitution, pornography, and bar girls -- involves the majority of men at some point in their life. Why do they love it? Not because they love femininity, but because they despise women, wanting to squash their human rights, wanting to enslave them as objects that serve their satisfaction. Men who seduce women hate their femininity and love to hurt them deeply by destroying their innocence. Men who love their wives but hate their femininity are impotent with them without drugs or pornography. 

Men who do not care for the woman's feminine sexuality demand that she "attack him with a surprise make-out session" or "Call him right before he leaves the office to tell him you have a sexy surprise for him when he gets home -- then follow up." This is something many women would do and do, no doubt, but only as a duty, not as a free choice or love. A wife is normally working hard in the relationship so that the husband would be pleased with her and thus become more attached to her. This is her goal and constant striving in the relationship. So girls and women learn to enact what the men want them to be like if they're going to be able to perform sexually with them, and thus hopefully, to become attached to them. Women have been willing to give up their own sexuality which belongs to their femininity. Deep down women may perceive that they are not living the fulfilling life. Some women may seek this fulfillment in all sorts of wrong ways. Wrong for them because they do not attain fulfillment through these patterns of behaviors with men.

Eventually a woman's biology, psychology, and spirituality require the unity model relationship in order to be fulfilled as a woman. Swedenborg witnessed this feminine fulfillment in the heavens where live the conjugial couples in their eternity. He describes what the wives look like on the exterior -- youthful, beautiful, wise, and dynamic, and what they are in their interior, according to what the women revealed to Swedenborg -- their total unity with their husband, their reciprocal interdependence, their constant co-presence to each other, how the women know what the men are thinking and feeling, how they experience sexuality, etc.


From the perspective of the unity model, let me propose the following list of effective behaviors for husbands who desire sexual intimacy with their wife. These behaviors are mechanisms by which the husband is able to achieve mental intimacy with his wife.

  1. laugh at her humor

  2. make her laugh by knowing her humor

  3. hang around with her while she is doing things, keeping her company and showing interest in the details of her actions and focus of attention

  4. take what she says with respect without doubting it or minimizing it in any way

  5. never take sides against her in relation to children, parents, friends, or strangers

  6. become familiar with her involvement in clothes and make up, acquiring her perspective and taste

  7. show that you prefer to give up time from your hobby or friends and to spend it with her instead

  8.  when she gets mad at you and talks to you like she is mad, always be receptive and gentle, willing to take it on the chin like a real man, never reacting in anger or retaliation or resentment

  9. when it looks like she is criticizing your actions or complaining about you, always take it with honor, being willing to receive her criticisms as nothing but passionate appeals to you to change your behavior or way of thinking from bad to good

  10. when you hurt her feelings by what you say or do, always work hard to undo the hurt by explaining to her on different occasions what it is you did and what was wrong with it

  11. when you initiate sexual intimacy, always give her a series of thresholds at which she can indicate hesitation or discomfort in going further, then respect that line without talking about it or making her justify it

  12. learn her normal sexual response pattern by observing what her preferences are, keeping track of them over time, and staying within the limits of those patterns, thus giving her satisfaction and fulfillment without accompanying mixed feelings like stress, anxiety, or discomfort

  13. keep track of her body needs and procedures, showing involvement with them by being able to discuss them with her -- weight, energy, hormones, drugs, vitamins, ob-gyn, regularity, symptoms, check ups

  14. give her something pleasant to eat, taste, or smell as often as you can in the course of the day

  15. learn various massage techniques -- head, shoulder, neck, feet, hands, face -- and do at least one of them on her every day, being careful not to sexualize it by treating it as foreplay

  16. keep yourself clean and healthy and in good physical condition

  17. never keep secrets from her, and when she doesn't know of something or doesn't ask, let her know of it

  18. no matter what, always censor yourself, never voicing it out loud, when you think something bad about her -- unflattering, derogatory, sarcastic, cynical, upsetting, disagreeable, harsh, gross

  19. if she is the cook in the family, hang around with her in the kitchen and act like a chef's assistant, but if you are the cook, never treat her like a chef's assistant, and convince her that you want her to feel liberated from traditionally expected kitchen involvements

  20. never invoke or practice the equity principle or fifty-fifty rule in any interaction with her, and instead, let her off the hook at all times for all things, so that she can always choose in freedom what she should be doing at any one time without the political obligations imposed by the equity rule


11.3.5.2.7   "Wives, submit to your husbands"

This idea is examined in the next section.

 

11.3.5.3  Does the Male Dominance Model Have a Biblical Grounding?

Driving on my way back from campus today I was listening to the Word of Life radio broadcast in which pastors answer questions from callers regarding what the Bible says about this or that issue. It so happens that a woman called in asking about "Pastor Chuck's" view on Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I immediately turned the volume up. I wanted to hear his answer. He said he didn't know of this specific book but that he has heard her give advice on her broadcasts and he has read articles about her. He said that he thought her advice was Biblical, and even though she is Jewish, not Christian, he thought that her practical answers to people's everyday dilemmas were in agreement with Christian beliefs as well. He asked the caller what specifically she was wondering about, and she said that the advice Dr. Laura gives  seems to say to wives should please their husbands and that they should learn to be happy by listening to them. Pastor Chuck chuckled a little and said that this indeed was the teaching of the Bible. And he quoted from Paul in the New Testament where it instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, and instructs wives to be obedient to their husbands. The caller thanked him and hung up.

This position has been claimed to have a Biblical grounding. It can be said that theistic psychology also has Biblical grounding because it is based on knowledge extracted from Sacred Scripture, by which is meant the threefold collection known as  the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the Writings of Swedenborg. The view that husbands ought to love their wives as Christ loves the Church implies that the husband represents the Lord and the wife represents the Church. Although some verses of Paul's Epistles can be interpreted that way, other interpretations can be made that are more rational and more in keeping with the spirit of the New Testament. Seventeen centuries after the Incarnation Event (see Section xx), the Divine Human has made the long promised Second Coming in the mental world of truth. This Divine Truth of the Divine Human could not be revealed to the followers of historical Jesus of Nazareth who often warned them that they are not yet able to receive this truth.

By this He meant that they are not able to accept it, and if they are not able to accept it, they would reject it. If they reject the Divine Truth that they are given by their Lord, they profane it. Profaning the Divine Truth causes one's spiritual-rational mind to be turned off permanently because the profanation is now present in the lower mind. It can never be dislodged from there, which is why the Jesus warned them that the "sin against the Holy Spirit" cannot be forgiven. If Jesus had told His disciples what the Writings of Swedenborg have now revealed about Him, they would have rejected these things. The disciples, even the angels of heaven, were tempted to disagree with their Lord, when it was told them that He must be crucified. They wanted Him to use His Divine power to prevent the act from being carried out.

The disciples could not accept the rational things about the Divine Human that are revealed in the Writings of Swedenborg. These revelations are called "the Second Coming of Christ" when considered in their literal meaning, but "theistic psychology" when considered in their underlying scientific meaning (see Section xx). As is historically the case, the Writings Sacred Scripture were rejected by the primates of the Catholic and Protestant Churches when Swedenborg sent them a free un-requested copy. Some of these Church prelates passed into the afterlife world while Swedenborg was still busy writing several of the books of the Writings Sacred Scripture. Some of these newly arrived prelates who had seen the principal portion of the Writings Sacred Scripture called Arcana Coelestia (Heavenly Secrets), were informing their colleagues about it in the spiritual world of the afterlife. Swedenborg, being conscious in his spiritual mind, was given to be present during their debate and wrote down their principal arguments (see Section xx). In short, they rejected the new revelations of the Writings Sacred Scripture, and thereby were unable to receive these new truths of the Divine Human, the Spiritual Sun, and the method regeneration by temptations (see Section xx). Without these new truths, they were unable to rise to the heavens of their eternity, which is a rational heaven. (see Section xx).

The disciples and followers of Jesus were even less able to receive the rational truths given later in the Writings Sacred Scripture. They were told that they must give up their sensuous consciousness of Him -- seeing and touching Him in His Physical Presence and Body -- and must learn instead to acquire a rational consciousness of Him -- seeing Him with their inner eye, which is the rational understanding of truth from the spiritual sense of Sacred Scripture (see Section xx). This rational consciousness of Him was to be called "the Holy spirit" and in theistic psychology, the "Divine Psychologist" (see Section xx)  Henceforth the human race would have a new mental pathway towards immortality in heaven. The old mental pathways have been rendered nonfunctional. There was no longer a mechanism for transforming people from evil loves to good loves merely by their acknowledging the physical power of God. This sensuous idea of God worked for the earlier celestial race on this earth called the Most Ancient Church (see Section xx).

But with the "Fall" of the race, direct sensuous communication with the spiritual world ceased as the new generations lost the ability. Their mental organs no longer supported that function. Later generations called the "spiritual race," had a split-brain which reflects the fact that the mental organs of the will and understanding were separated. IN the celestial race these two organs always worked together. They were locked into each other like the heart and the lungs are interdependent for operation. But in the new split-brain race, the affective organ of the will and the cognitive organ of the understanding evolved a new way of functioning -- separated at birth, locked together later by voluntary control. This is the essence of rational consciousness, out of which the new human heavens were created through the completion of the Writings in 1771. And that point a new and final glorious chapter in the history of humanity was ushered in. Henceforth every individual, regardless of religion or intelligence or personality, would be able to follow the mental path of theistic psychology that leads to the new rational heavens present in the mind of every human being.

You can see your new rational heaven when you elevate your consciousness to the spiritual-natural level (see Section xx). You accomplish this by taking studying the concepts of theistic psychology and understanding them rationally. Your rational understanding is elevated when you begin to think and reason every day by means of these concepts. The modern mind is shaped by science and rational revelations. The scientific revelations of the Writings could not be understood prior to our modern civilization. But now they can, as long as one is willing to adopt the positive bias (see Section xx).

From all this you can now see that we need to extract the scientific truths from the literal statements in the New Testament that address the mutual roles of husband and wife before we can actually know what the Divine Human is teaching us regarding this relationship and how a husband is to love his wife, and vice versa. Here is an often cited passage from Paul's Letter to Ephesians found in the New Testament Bible:

22  Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26  to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29  After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30  for we are members of his body. 31  "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32  This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33  However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:22-33).

"Submit" is an exhortation that wives should relate to their husband through the husband's intellectual understanding. This is how we submit to the Divine Psychologist in our mind, through an intellectual understanding of His Divine Truth which is revealed in the correspondential sense of Sacred Scripture. In this sense, when the wife acquires for herself the husband's knowledge and reasoning style, she is "submitting" to him "as to the Lord." The husband being "the head of the wife" means that he must honor and love the wife like "Christ honors and loves the church," that is, God loves and assists husbands and wives who acknowledge God. The Divine Human loves husbands and wives (who both make up "the church"), and this love is based on good and truth, substances flowing into the mind from the Spiritual Sun (see Section xx). That's how the husband must love the wife if he is going to love her "like Christ loves the church." That "the church submits to Christ" means that the men and women who lead their lives based on the truths of Sacred Scripture, remain true to the truths that the Incarnate Divine Human has revealed about Himself (see Section xx). In this same way "wives should submit to their husbands" means that the wife should acquire and appropriate to herself the husband's knowledge and style of reasoning. This is something that wives love to do -- ask a few of them if you're not sure (see Section xx).

That "husbands should love their wives as Christ gave Himself up for her" means that a husband must sacrifice his own interest or male prerogatives, and place the wife's requests and expectations of him as primary, that is, ahead of his own. By loving their wives in this way, husbands place the wife's wishes and affections ahead of their own. Instead of insisting on some issue that it should be done his way, he now insists on doing it her way, whenever they see things differently. In other words, wives are told in Sacred Scripture to think like their husbands think, while husbands are told to act like their wife wants them to. This is the Doctrine of the Wife (see Section xx).

The love a husband ought to have for his wife is to make her appear in his eyes as "radiant, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." When the husband loves his wife with this image in his mind, he loves her "as Christ loves the Church" that is, the Divine Human loves the men and women who lead their marriage through the spiritual truths of Sacred Scripture. Ephesians says that "husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies" which means that the wife should be loved as much as the husband loves himself. The husband does not love his wife as much as himself when he disagrees with her, rejects her perceptions of how he should behave, or what things should be done regarding any issue that concerns their relationship or marriage. This is also what the Doctrine of the Wife advocates (see Section xx). This is why it says that "he who loves his wife loves himself." This means that he loves her as much as himself. He does not attach greater weight to his judgment in comparison to hers.

That the husband ought to "feed and care" for his wife as he does his own body" means that he should be true to her mental needs, for this is how she is mentally fed and cared for in their relationship. This is what allows the wife to conjoin herself to the husband. It is in these conjunctive efforts of the wife that she receives conjugial love from the Divine Human.  And once she does this, the husband is enabled to receive conjugial love from his wife, and by this, conjoin himself to her. It is their mutual and reciprocal conjunction that makes heaven in them -- the mental layer to which the Divine Human conjoins Himself. So it takes for the husband to surrender to his wife's conjugial perceptions in order to create the conjugial couple that is heavenly (see Section xx). This heavenly state is discussed as "a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." The expression "one flesh" in Sacred Scripture refers to being of "one mind" or "soul-mates."

So when we analyze what Paul's sentences actually refer to we see that he was referring to the Doctrine of the Wife and the unity model of marriage. There is not justification to interpret him as supporting the male dominance model.

Consider how the Writings Sacred Scripture analyze some of these statements in a passage from one of its Books titled Conjugial Love: .

CL 125. (vi) The husband does not represent the Lord and his wife the church, because they both together, husband and wife, make up the church.

It is generally said in the church that as the Lord is the head of the church, so the husband is the head of the wife.*[E.g. Ephesians 5:23].  From this it would follow that the husband would represent the Lord and the wife the church. But the Lord is the head of the church, and human beings, male and female, are the church; and even more so in the case of husband and wife. In this case the church is first planted in the man and by means of the man in the wife, because the man receives its truth in his intellect, and the wife receives it from the man. But if it happens the other way round, this is not in good order. However, this does sometimes happen, but only in the case of men who are no lovers of wisdom, and so not part of the church either, or who in servile fashion hang upon their wives' whims. On this subject generally see the remark in the Preliminaries (21).  (CL 125)

Note the obvious fact that "the church" is made up of both men and women, and so it is not rationally correct to say that the wife represents the church. Since the husband and the wife together represent the church, it is obviously not correct to say that the husband represents the Lord. This is an incorrect idea, namely, that the husband represents the Lord and therefore the wife must love and honor Him like the Lord, whom the husband represents. But this is not what is contained in Sacred Scripture in its correspondential sense. Instead, the husband is commanded to love his wife like he loves himself, which means he should not try to impose his will upon her when she disagrees with him on some issue relating to their relationship, but should honor what she requests, wants, or expects of him.

Here is an email contributed by Dawn Potts, based on a speech she gave to a gathering of New Church women, in which she gives a contemporary New Church perspective on the role of women in marriage viewed from the spiritual perspective, and based on the Writings of Swedenborg:

The Roots of False Attitudes

by Dawn Potts (2006)

Domination and Conjugilitous

I will begin this discussion by first paraphrasing from a paper I found called "The Effects of Christianity" which explains how in the centuries after the Lord's first advent women's roles disintegrated. 1 believe the role of women is reformed by the teachings of the New Church.

In this paper "The effects of Christianity" it is brought to our attention and described how the Lord in His actions and teachings rejected all the traditional ideas of status and the social customs of His time by repetitively including women. For example The Lord first declared His Divinity to a Samaritan woman, in a culture in which women were subordinate and Samaritans outcasts. He used women as well as men to illustrate the values of faith, humility, and charity. The poor widow's gift was worth more than that of the rich man... The kingdom of heaven is like leaven, which a woman took and hid... five wise maidens filled their lamps with oil. He saved the life of one of the most despised figures in Jewish society, the adulteress.

When Martha complained that Mary was not helping her serve the meal, The Lord replied that 'Mary has chosen the good portion, which shall not be taken from her." These are only a few of the innumerable examples of the Lord speaking directly to women without discrimination.

Now we know that by the time of the Council of Nicaea when the Divine was divided into three persons, the epistles of Paul had with authority, greatly influenced the attitude towards women. Remember, Paul was a Jew speaking from his Jewish heritage and also a Pharisee. By the third century menstruating women, could not approach the altar. By the seventh century all of the myths about the destructive power of women had been revised. Church Fathers then ranked the completely celibate life higher than even the chaste married life. Priests ritually purified a woman from the contamination of childbearing and the greater contamination of having birthed a daughter.

These are the demeaning views of women when the Christian Church began to formalize their organization and exclude women from any position of responsibility, leadership or respect that they had previously enjoyed. Societies in many areas of the earth used the same falsified biblical sources to justify the subordination of their wives.

Through the nineteenth century in European generations the wife was considered as a piece of property, and we know that this is still the case in the Middle East and other places.

Do you experience today anything which demonstrates these kinds of tendencies?

So in the seventeen hundreds Swedenborg's teachings on marriage were actually revolutionary teachings. Coming into the environment of that day many of the things said in Conjugial Love were not to be easily accepted.

How different and new in contrast to Paul's teaching, these ideas from Conjugial Love must have seemed. There can be no domination in a marriage; domination destroys Conjugial Love whether it is domination of a husband over a wife-- or domination of a wife over a husband.

In some areas in early New Church thinking these applications of the letter of the Writings produced attitudes, which continued to hold women in the previous sub-servant roles especially doctrinally, believing as did most cultures, that women were not smart enough to vote, to be on Boards or included in Church Councils and not rational and there fore should not to be included in the discussion of Doctrine.

This attitude continued to be confirmed, I believe by misapplying statements in the letter of the Writings which say, 'a man corresponds to the understanding and a women to the will and that a wife is dependent on her husband's wisdom to get anywhere in Regeneration'.

When the Writings are viewed as "Plain Teachings" and applied literally such teachings "that a wife is dependent on her husband for wisdom' some women have questioned in what way this is true, when this seems to say she is held again in bondage if her husband is not wise.

There seem to be more people who are now considering that the Writings in these numbers are giving a description in the letter, of what the male and female are in their inmost, and these statements defining the qualities of gender are not to be directly applied to those who are not in" inmost things" which is producing a more comfortable reaction.

In what ways do we hear these kinds of statements about husband and wife with a good feeling? Or with an uncomfortable one?

As the New Church developed different views of the teachings of Swedenborg developed. Some believed the Writings to be literally true but not the Word of God. Some viewed them as the Word of God and only literally true, while some believed them to be the Word of God with an external and an internal sense just as the Old and New Testament have, that a person comes into through regeneration.

And so different branches of the New Church evolved and here we are at Temonos having this New Church gathering to celebrate those different branches of the New Church and share the leaves of those different beliefs and acknowledge the Lord's Providence in the Church's growth. And with delight see the freedom of variety in understanding.

I would like to share the opinions of The Lord's New Church, which is Nova Hierosolyma on this subject. When the Writings are read believing them to be a Divine Revelation in every way, with an spiritual sense that a person comes into through regeneration. It is believed that they should be read as the Lord speaking directly to each person. This is what The Lord's New Church calls 'The One Man Principle', or 'One Person Principle".

I want to read some quotes which I have extracted randomly from the Writings, which point to a different level of meaning a person can come in to about what Conjugial Love is, and how it is understood differently and see how really it is speaking of the conjunction of good and truth in one self.

"That all those belonging to the Lord's Church... whether they are virgins, or young men, wives or husbands, youths or old men, maidens or old women, are understood by virgins where virgins are mentioned". A 'virgin' signifies the Church as a bride who is willing to be conjoined to the Lord and become a wife. By father, mother, brothers, children, and many names of relationship are goods and truths, also evils and falsities” (AC10490)

The affection of truth called forth from the natural man into the rational is as a married woman (AC3160)

The affection of good and the affection of truth in the natural man are situated as brother and sister, but the affection of truth called forth from the natural man into the rational is as a married woman (AC3160)

For the Word of the Lord is such that inmostly it focuses on the Lord Himself and His kingdom. This is the source of all the life of the Word. Here likewise it is the heavenly marriage that is focused inmostly... ..such is its nature that a proprium given life by the Lord is called the Lord's Bride and also Wife'.

One does not know what Conjugial Love is unless he be in good and truth from the Lord (AC10171)

By women is to be understood the Church". (AC252)

Every doctrinal of faith has in itself the heavenly marriage (AC2516)

So by women is signified the affection of truth.

The good of the rational is the brother, truth, the sister (AC 2508e)

In the Word marriage signifies the marriage of good and truth (HH 3132,4434,4835)

Where in the Word, marriages are treated of, the heavenly marriage, which is of good and truth, and in the supreme sense, the Divine marriage which is in the Lord is meant (AC3132)

When betrothal and marriage is spoken about in the Word, the initiation and conjunction of good and truth are treated of."

All these statements in the Writings point to a deeper meaning to every word of the Writings.

What thoughts do you have about these quotes?

In the twelve volumes of the Arcana Coelestia, which contains the instruction of how a person’s spiritual mind is opened; and how by living the truths that we know we can develop and be given a new will from the Lord, there never mentions any difference between a women's path and a man's path of regeneration.

Doesn't it just need to be emphasized how the perception of truth that a women has -----is equal to the understanding of truth that a man has?

The Writings teach that there are Cherubim put to guard that a person does not go into truths they cannot be kept in. There are Cherubim in the letter of the Old and New Testaments guarding the internal sense, things saying 'light being created before the sun', 'smashing babies', 'commandment to leave father and mother', etc. these things which give the Lord a way to keep a person from accepting the Word as truth. The same things are in the letter of the Writings, odd things, conflicting things, especially in the letter of Conjugial Love. Are these also Cherubim in the letter guarding the very precious internal things, especially truths said in the book of Conjugial Love which have meanings we will come to see as our spiritual sight increases?

I would like to quote here from an article, which expresses the direction of the thinking of "The Lord's New Church", "The Male and the Female", by Bishop Philip N. Odhner.

"The word male (Latin: masculus) is said to come from the Sanskrit "man", to think The word female (Latin: foemina) is from the foot fe, fev-, Greek "phuo", to produce; Sanskrit, 'bhuas', to become. The Latin 'flo' is from the same root, meaning to become.

The meanings of these roots, to think, and to produce or become, confirm the teachings of the Writings as to what the male and the female represent, and as to what they are.

....In many places the Word of the Writings appears to give the leading part to the male, and not to the female. This sometimes is very disturbing to women who read the Word or hear it because they suppose that this means that they are thus made entirely subservient to males, and have to look up to them for all things of spiritual life, and wait upon the males to do something before they can do anything.

The reason for this appearance in the Word (Writings) is that the Word (Writings) treat for the most part of the spiritual church and how the Lord raises it to become celestial, and in the spiritual Church the things of the true take the leading part.

In order that the leading part of the true may be signified, the sense of the letter must make the part of the male the leading part. Otherwise it would not be truly significant. And so in hundreds of places in the Word where male and female are mentioned, the male signifies the true and the female the good. But then, when the word treats of celestial things, the meaning is reversed. For example Abram and Abraham and Isaac and Jacob signify the Good, and their wives signify the affection of the true, and sometimes the true.

This turning about of the meaning of the male and female in relation to the spiritual and then relation to the celestial has to do with the fact that the internal of the spiritual is related to the external of the celestial.... We must recognize that this distinction does exist and is often spoken of in the Word.

A deeper understanding of all the Writings of Swedenborg, depends first on a deeper and substantial entering into the things taught in the Arcana Coelestia and especially of the things taught about the glorification of the Human of the Lord, and the regeneration of man as being the image of that glorification." (P.N. Odhner)

Hearing all these conflicting statements isn't it obvious that there has been and is good reason for misunderstanding the book Conjugial Love? And understanding what conjugial love is?

I would guess that whatever branch of the Church you are from, that when you got married; marriage was nothing like what you expected it to be. If you are not married I promise you it is still impossible to tell you what it is like to be in a marriage no matter how many books you read about it.

I also would say that I believe that conjugial Love is hardly what we all imagine now. Especially a young person’s romantic idea of that state of mind.

Don't we all start off with mostly an idealization of infatuation with many natural attractions apart from hardly any inward spiritual sight or development from the Lord?

Conjugialitious is the name I call this idealization or rather the false idealization of conjugial cove, which sends young girls out looking desperately - longingly for the ONE 'Conjugial Partner' yet with the fear "maybe I will marry the wrong person who isn't my conjugial partner"?

Conjugalitious is easy to catch and flourishes in our midst. It is passed down from generation to generation. It is a state of mind infatuated with romantic love as portrayed in the world, which in reality is being in love with our own personal gratification. Conjugialitous mistakenly identifies romantic feelings as conjugial love and does not see that it is an inmost state of mind, which is from the Lord and only gained through each partner's regeneration by which the Lord makes them ONE.

Is conjugalitious a bad thing or a necessary state that most youth passes through? Is it a worry? Would education cure it?

Because every thing in the whole of creation corresponds to the conjunction of Good and Truth, is Good and Truth in Substance and Form this beautiful sphere of Love fills the whole earth, it is present everywhere.

Don't most people get married believing that the wonderful feelings of happiness in a relationship are just free---believing that married life is all about these similitudes of likes and dislikes, and always wake up to find that each has a whole proprial self that must be reborn to create a marriage and a married partner. How can we teach this; that marriage is a Holy journey?

Conjugial love is found on the path of regeneration. When it says that conjugial love is one with the state of the Church with a person, that is something deeply real.

I fully believe that the teachings of the New Church about marriage can bring to the world enlightenment out of Heaven itself. That conjugial love in the future is to be the precious jewel of the New Church in all its branches. I believe it is from these teachings that women will gain a new respect and certainly bring the world to a new sight of the beauty of marriage between one man and one wife where there can be no domination. In their inward spiritual growth they can become one -- she the love of his wisdom and he in wisdom from her love.

The most important point I believe there is to make about Conjugial love-- is that it really is what is of the Lord that is to be loved in the other person---Because all that is good or true or what is of wisdom or love in the man or in the wife is from The Lord." (end)

Let us explore further what the Writings say about the role of men and women in relation to truth and love. Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture:

AC 8994:[4] So it is that those who are spiritually perceptive have a liking for women with an affection for truths, but not for women who concentrate on gaining knowledge. For it is in keeping with Divine order for men to know things and for women purely to have an affection for them, so the women do not love themselves because of their knowledge but love men; and from this springs the desire for marriage. (...)

It should be recognized however that this is the situation among those who belong to the Lord's spiritual kingdom, whereas among those who belong to His celestial kingdom the reverse applies. There husbands are the ones with affection, and wives are the ones with knowledge of good and truth; and this is what the desire for marriage springs from among them. (AC 8994)

These two paragraphs show that husbands and wives go through two phases of development as they grow into a conjugial couple. The first phase is called here "the Lord's spiritual kingdom" while the second phase is referred to as His celestial kingdom." Elsewhere it is clarified that "spiritual kingdom" refers to the mental state in which we love the neighbor, while the "celestial kingdom" refers to the mental state in which we love the Divine Human. The celestial state is higher because it is focused on the Divine Human, and from that, focused on the neighbor. The spiritual state is lower because it is focused on the neighbor, and from that, focused on the Lord. Those who are in the spiritual heaven of their mind (second heaven) love truth first, and thence they love good. Those who are in the celestial heaven of their mind (third heaven) love good first, and thence they love truth. 

When married partners are preparing for a heavenly conjugial  life they evolve through stages of development (see Section xx). In the first phase called "spiritual kingdom," the husband's role is "to know things" and the wife's role is "purely to have an affection for them." In other words, husbands have knowledge of the world while wives have the love for that knowledge in their husbands. Of course the husband must have a love for acquiring knowledge since without this motivation, he cannot acquire anything. Of course women can also acquire knowledge, as much or more than men, but the motivation of women to acquire knowledge is different from the motivation of men.  Men have a love for acquiring knowledge of the world, and their focus is on the knowledge in their mind. They love to have it in their mind, to understand it, and to be able to think it and talk about it. While women can also do this, they are more interested in the men than in the knowledge about the world.

Women are in a celestial state regarding marriage while husbands begin in a spiritual state and must learn to think and behave in the celestial state, after abandoning their spiritual state. When a husband moves into his celestial state, he is joining his wife in the state she already is in. Now they have reached a new phase in their relationship. The passage above (AC 8994) tells us that the new phase is an exact reversal of the older state. In the spiritual state it was the husband's knowledge that is primary but in the celestial state it is the wife's knowledge that is primary, and the husband becomes the love of his wife's knowledge or perception. The wife's superior wisdom at the celestial level allows the husband's superior love to be activated. By thinking from the wife's wisdom, the husband in the celestial state is enabled to receive a higher form of love or good  from the Divine Human. In this way, the couple having been in an external state of conjunction in the spiritual state, now find themselves in an internal state of conjunction in the celestial state.

The Doctrine of the Wife is for husbands in the spiritual state who are aspiring to reach their celestial state. But husbands who are in the spiritual state and not yet aspiring to the celestial state, do not accept the Doctrine of the Wife.

For more on the spiritual psychobiology of marriage see Section xx. 

Another passage, AC 5897, says that "celestial people have no desire at all to know facts .... For everything they know grows out of celestial good present with them and that good would perish if they were to resort to factual knowledge. Indeed since celestial good is present with members of the Lord's celestial kingdom, and celestial truth is charity whereas spiritual truth is faith, they refuse even to speak of faith, for fear that they may come down from good and look back ..." Facts, or factual knowledge about the world, are external to our loves. Factual knowledge comes by observation with the senses. This knowledge is made of an order that belongs to the physical world. When we are in the heaven of our mind all factual knowledge is in the external memory so that we can look down upon it from our heavenly position. But what they know about the spiritual world, that is the mental world of good and truth, does not enter from an external source, but from internal perception. All knowledge about good and truth in heaven come spontaneously to the celestial angels. Whatever they are curious about and focus their mind on it, is illuminated in their perception of it. They do not have to be instructed or told by others. They perceive directly the answer to any questions they wonder about.  But in the spiritual heaven, people have no immediate perception whether something is true or good, so that they must think about and analyze it in terms of what they know from written revelation.  So they benefit from instruction about Sacred Scripture.

In the conjugial state of celestial marriage the wife is given factual perceptions about the husband which the husband himself does not perceive. Hence it is that he must rely on his wife's celestial wisdom regarding all things relating to the marriage relationship.

I have not included the female dominance model in the ennead charts of marriage (see Section xx) because it only occurs infrequently with most married couples. Not much is known about it by experts except that it is a kind of a male dominance joke fantasy in the minds of men. We are all familiar with the female dominant character in drama, literature, and mythology where female "harpies" and "furies" are portrayed in a scary appearance -- snakes in the hair, distorted face, shabby clothes, fiery eyes, dirty long finger nails, etc. Today people say about some women that they are "witches" or "vampires" or "black widow spiders" in their "man-eating" habits and powers. Some dominant women in politics are labeled "the Iron Lady" and some women in business are called "men crushers." In TV drama and soaps, there is the portrayal of women who have relationships with "weak men" who act like they are their "puppy dogs." So the idea of the "female dominant model" is well known to people. But ask yourself how many women you know who fit this characteristic? It's not something women ordinarily do, though it's possible for many more women to do it than actually do. Why?

Because female dominance is the opposite of the mental state in which women ordinarily feel fulfilled and safe -- which is mental intimacy and conjunction with the man they love. The female dominance pattern is therefore special in the sense that it occurs outside the ordinary pattern of women. The motivation women have in the female dominance model is to control the man's sensorimotor and affective behavior without at the same time involving the cognitive behavior. She is not trying to convince him of anything, only making sure he obeys her orders. She is not trying to achieve affective intimacy but only affective control as a means of sensorimotor control, which is what she always wants to do. That's how she sees him in the relationship.

The male dominance model has the potential of being supportive and adaptive to the marriage relationship, especially if the husband moves on the the equity model, and beyond. But the female dominance model does not have any way of supporting or adapting to the marriage relationship. It is contrary to the genuine and organic function of marriage, which is to achieve affective and cognitive intimacy, by which conjunction is achieved, and thus the celestial state of eternal happiness (see Section xx).

Swedenborg had an amazing opportunity to gather data from men and women who are already in the spiritual world and are able to discuss the details of their lives on earth. In the following passage from the Writings, there is a description of some of these "hellish marriages"  after they arrive in the spiritual world. Note the opening sentence that "Hellish marriages are possible in the world" which means that there are marriages in this world that are "hellish marriages" where the couple appears normal in their overt interactions but in their thoughts and feelings they hate and denigrate each other privately. Remember that Swedenborg here is speaking to women and men in the spiritual world.

CL 292. (xxi) Hellish marriages are possible in the world between couples who are inwardly out-and-out enemies, but outwardly the best of friends.

Wives of this description in the spiritual world have forbidden me to speak openly about these marriages. For they are afraid of the skills which enable them to gain power over their husbands being revealed at the same time, when they want nothing more than to keep them concealed. But since I am encouraged by men in that world to disclose the reasons for their peculiar hatred, I might almost say the rage introduced into their hearts against their wives as the result of their secret skills, I should like simply to present the following remarks.

The men said that without being aware of it they had acquired a terrifying fear of their wives. This made them unable to do anything but submissively obey their orders, deferring to their whims more humbly than the meanest servants, so that they became as it were nobodies. They said that it was not only those who hold no important position who took this attitude to their wives, but also men of high rank, even powerful and distinguished leaders. After being reduced to such terror, they dare not talk with their wives in any but friendly fashion, or do anything which did not please them, despite the intense hatred they felt for them in their hearts. They added that their wives still talked and behaved politely to them, and meekly gave in to some of their requests.

[2] Now since the men themselves were very puzzled about the source of such a strong antipathy on the part of the women at the inner levels, while they showed almost sympathy at the outer levels, they went to women expert in that secret skill to investigate it. They told me that they had it from the women's own lips, that females keep very deeply hidden the skill that enables them to subject men, if they wish, to the yoke of their control. Uneducated wives do this by alternately scolding and being nice. In other cases they do it by keeping constantly a stern and severe expression on their faces, in other similar cases by other means. Wives of the educated classes do it by keeping up obstinate demands without a break, and by stubborn resistance to their husbands, if they treat them badly, insisting on the equal rights conferred by law, to which they cling determinedly. In fact, they claim that even if they are thrown out of their homes, they will come back as soon as they please and continue to make similar demands. For they know that men's nature does not allow them to resist their wives' obstinacy, and that once they have given in they submit to their control. Then the wives when in control put on a show of politeness and flattery to their husbands.

The real reason for wives establishing their control by this trickery is that a man's actions are directed by his intellect, a woman's by her will. The will can be obstinate, but not the intellect. I was told that the worst women of this sort, who are totally hooked on the pursuit of domination, can keep up their obstinacy to the point of risking their lives.

[3] I have also heard the defense women put up, to explain why they resorted to using this skill. They claimed that they would never have started, had they not foreseen that if they became subject to their husbands, they would have been utterly despised, rejected and ruined. It was therefore necessity which made them take up arms. They added this warning to men, to leave wives their rights, and when at intervals they are cold to them, not to consider them as more worthless than servant-girls. They also said that many of their sex are by nature too timid to pursue such a course; but I interjected that they were by nature too modest.

These experiences have now made me aware what sort of marriages are meant by hellish marriages in the world, between couples who are inwardly out-and-out enemies and outwardly the best of friends. (CL 292)

Let us summarize the main points given in the above passage regarding how certain wives subdue their husbands into doing what the women want.

  1. Some types of marriage relationships are called "hellish marriages" in which husband and wife "are inwardly out-and-out enemies, but outwardly the best of friends."

  2. These are female dominant marriages in which the wife deliberately uses secret or "concealed" methods to subjugate the husband and to suppress all resistance to her will.

  3. Husbands who feel manipulated in this way and compelled to obey, develop "a terrifying fear of their wives" and an inner hatred for them.

  4. The men in this mental state are completely submissive like servants and feel "like nobodies."

  5. There are husbands in this type of relationship throughout the status spectrum of society.

  6. Once the husbands are "reduced to such terror" the husband wife simulate overt friendship and polite dialog with each other.

  7. Less educated women use female dominance techniques such as "alternately scolding and being nice," and "keeping constantly a stern and severe expression on their faces." More educated women "do it by keeping up obstinate demands without a break," or "by stubborn resistance to their husbands," and by "insisting on the equal rights conferred by law."

  8. Female dominance techniques against husbands may involve threats to harass the husbands even if they are separated or divorced. " For the wives know that men's nature does not allow them to resist their wives' obstinacy, and that once the husbands have given in they submit to wives' control."

  9. Once the wives are in control they "put on a show of politeness and flattery to their husbands."

  10. Wives who use "trickery" in "pursuit of domination" are successful because women have a greater capacity for obstinacy than men in relationship warfare. "A man's actions are directed by his intellect, a woman's by her will. The will can be obstinate, but not the intellect."

  11. Women who manipulate husbands into submission are motivated by self-defense, since "if they became subject to their husbands, they would have been utterly despised, rejected and ruined. It was therefore necessity which made them take up arms."

  12. Female domination of husbands would not occur if the husbands would do the following:
    (a) respect the wife's human rights and provide for her financially in case they are separated or divorced;
    (b) respect the wife's dignity and not treat her with disrespect when the husband feels "cold to her" (e.g., angry or busy or un-sexy or involved with someone else).

Swedenborg ends the passage with: "These experiences have now made me aware what sort of marriages are meant by hellish marriages in the world, between couples who are inwardly out-and-out enemies and outwardly the best of friends." Marriages governed by the female dominance model are called "hellish" because the husband and wife are inwardly enemies despite the show they make on the surface that they are getting along and are even friends. This inward hostility and hatred they have for one another means that they are mentally separated. They are not capable of getting together mentally, which means they cannot agree on anything, but only pretend that they agree. Couples who care for one another are not enemies inwardly, but friends. They can agree on many things and be "one one mind." But in hellish marriages the partners are of a "divided mind."

When both partners are in the spiritual world, they are reunited as a married couple. How long they stay together depends on their mental states. In the case of hellish marriages on earth, the husband and wife reunite in the world of spirits, once both are there. At that point everything is different from what it was on earth where they both had their conscious awareness in the natural mind which was attached to the physical body and senses. But now that they are in the world of spirits, they both have their conscious awareness in the spiritual mind which was unconscious before. Now they continue their relationship, but at a more inward level of mentality. They can no longer interact by orienting to the physical world. For example, the wife is no longer anxious in being financially protected now that she is living in her immortality where everything is free and created on the spot by one's desires and intentions (see Section xx).

Now she has lost all need or motivation to be with a person she hates or dislikes or resents. In fact the laws of the spiritual world dictate that people who have incompatible feelings and thoughts cannot communicate or remain present to each other. Very quickly, possibly within the first hour of interaction, the couple may decide to be separated, never to see each other again. Or it may take longer, depending on the interaction history they have had and their current character and personality.

It's interesting to note that women do not naturally prefer to dominate their husbands, but they are driven to to it by desperation, fearing they will be seduced, abused, and abandoned -- as indeed commonly happens in all countries even today. The female dominance model is therefore practiced in self-defense against husbands who would rob them of their rights and abandon them to a cruel cultural environment that discriminates against women. Note carefully that the male dominance model does not imply such evil exploitation of women. Husbands who think from the traditional male dominance model (level 1) have a strong motivation to provide financially for their wife and to protect her from disrespect and poverty. And yet we can witness from so many "ugly" divorce cases, and "dead beat" fathers, that men are often reluctant to benefit their former wife financially and to treat them with dignity and respect. This indicates that all along, even when they appeared friends and lovers, they were in fact inwardly disloyal and hateful to each other.

Psychology exists in two versions. One is called the negative bias, while the other is called the positive bias. The negative bias leads to materialism and non-theistic psychology. The positive bias leads to theistic psychology (see Section xx). Since theistic psychology is a dualist perspective, it addresses the connection between this life and the afterlife. In fact it elevates the importance of knowing this connection to a matter more important than life or death. In the positive bias, we remain scientific and empirically oriented, but we rely on facts gathered by Swedenborg in his eyewitness exploration of the "the spiritual world" of the afterlife. To me, one of the most amazing and happy of the discoveries Swedenborg made is that we live life in heaven in a conjugial state. He interviewed many "celestial" couples who had lived on earth thousands of years ago. And they were forever together with their childhood sweethearts, living in the fullness of their youth, in company of other conjugial couples, each enjoying their private houses which are magnificent, according to Swedenborg precise descriptions of them.  This is conjugial unity in heaven to eternity. Endless happiness and joy increasing daily.

Swedenborg himself was attracted to this type of life and he wondered why everybody else isn't in the state of heaven in their mind? Given his special Divinely appointed mission, Swedenborg was given the ability to visit the heavens and the hells that every human being contains in their mind. In other words, heaven and hell are not only have an individual mental reality but a communal one called the spiritual world of the afterlife. In other words, when we pass on we awaken in the spiritual world and continue our immortal life there (see Section xx). This life of immortality is either in the heaven of our mind or in the hells of our mind. What determines our ultimate destination in immortality depends on the traits we have accumulated while living in this life. If we are willing to let go of our hellish traits, which are ego-biased and not based on rationality, we can experience what kind of heaven we can live in with the heavenly traits we acquired, which are based on being useful to society and considerate of others (see Section xx).

In other words, if you can be eternally happy with heavenly traits, you're in. But if you cannot be eternally happy just with the heavenly traits, you're out. And that means sinking into the depths and quagmires of our hell. Of course there are gradations of hell, depending on how much people are willing to give in to their savage desires and insane thoughts. Swedenborg observed that the people on the hells of their mind also appear to themselves as living together as couples in dingy, dark, and stench filled habitations. But these couples are not love with each other but in hatred. Swedenborg has disturbing descriptions of how much they hate each other and try to injure one another constantly. But the couples in heaven are kept together by mental unity, which is the maximum possible intimacy a married couple can experience.

 After reading and appreciating Swedenborg's reports, which amount to about 30 volumes in English translation, I looked for ways to apply this new knowledge to my life, and my marriage was the most obvious place for me to focus on. At that point I was already in my early forties and had been basking complacently in the equity model of marriage most of the time, and the male dominance model some of the time. I was content because I could opt out any time I wanted from the equity expectations simply by slipping back into the male dominance model. Then, after having my way, I could slip back into the equity model and take credit for being a reasonable, kind, civilized, and modern husband. This was a fraudulent equity model and my poor wife was suffering, having to live her life in the loneliness of her mental intimacy where I would not venture myself. Nor would I allow her into the mental intimacy of my mind, which she experienced as slippery and without real inner principles. She recognized that I was a slave to my inherited traits and that it was taking me down the path of hell. No heavenly life could exist amidst such feelings of male superiority that I had internalized.

When I came upon the Writings of Swedenborg I quickly realized that they were genuine and scientific. For the first time in human history husbands have available direct evidence of what it will be like for them if they retain the dominance-equity model vs. acquiring a new way of interacting with the wife called the unity model. I appreciated being given that opportunity. And when I saw what it's really going to be like, I backed off with horror from the dominance-equity model and formulated for myself a new approach which I called the unity model.

From the moment of committing myself to the unity model I had a new motive to help me change in all the areas of my relationship with my wife. I had a simple method, but totally effective. Whatever I felt like doing, saying, or thinking about any issue between us, I asked myself: Is this from heaven or from hell? The effectiveness of this method is that there are no in betweens. Equity arguments don't work. Dominance arguments work even less. I had no choice but to pick one or the other. No shades of in between, no conditional exceptions or justifications. It's a categorical and unconditional decision. And incalculable benefits or harm will result in the how I choose as a pattern. I can make mistakes along the way. But it is the cumulative pattern that indicates which direction I'm going in.

Swedenborg's reports allow me to fill in the precise consequences of choosing to go my heavenly way or my hellish way when I interact with my wife. I am motivated to live in a heavenly life in which I am eternally conjoined to my wife so that we no longer are two but one. Once I officially and publicly committed myself to this goal, my wife was able to help me in a decisive way. Before this, I neutralized her methods and resisted them. I remained who I was. I did not let her change me. I did not join her in her mental intimacy. I kept he rout of my mental intimacy. We were two people separated by two different minds. But then, we started becoming one-minded when I censored most of my spontaneous feelings, thoughts, and reactions, and labeled them as coming  from hell. There was a little space left as a result. In that little space I was able to insert a heavenly reaction, thought, or feeling. Suddenly my wife felt like I broke into her long suffering loneliness and neglect. I saved her, as I should have done, right from the beginning we met. Better late than never. And now I'm sharing the unity model with others.

The section on Field Observations below will give you analytic tools that are effective in monitoring your interactions and the interactions of couples you know. Until we learn how to monitor our interactions objectively, we only have an inaccurate and  biased view of ourselves. Try to memorize the tables or charts. Once they are in your conscious awareness, you will be able to use them to identify the interactions you are observing. The more you use the charts for your observations, the more your rational understanding will be enriched.

11.3.6.1  Making Field Observations

You can practice observing couples, yourself in a couple or other couples, to try to identify the level of their conjunction and interaction.

On occasions when you'll observe a couple in the unity phase, you will note that the interaction is very different. There is never any anger, hostility, disagreement, or bickering between them. They are united from the affective level outward to the cognitive and the sensorimotor. You're observing their sensorimotor interaction -- physical actions and talk -- but from these one can infer to some extent the quality of their cognitive and affective levels of interaction.

Note that the traditional dominance and equity models have to do with gender politics in power sharing. In contrast, the unity model is organic and has to do with reciprocity and mutuality. For instance, the human body is organically a whole, a unit functioning as one person. This organic unity is not achieved by the power differentiation between the parts, arguing among each other which organs or body parts are more powerful or important. Rather, what makes synergistic unity is the reciprocal and mutual dependence of differentiated parts, each part functioning at its unique best, and contributing to the whole.

What are relationship areas where the woman should lead in the unity model? These include all the areas in which a man is motivated by feelings he does not clearly recognize. His thinking and his acting are yet determined by these hidden motivations and feelings. The woman can perceive which of the man's feelings are competitive with her or even hostile to her. She can feel it through her reactions to his actions. In the traditional dominance and equity models the man reserves the right to say No! to the woman's perceptions and intuitions, even if she pleads with him to listen to her. But in the unity model he officially recognizes that she has perceptions of their relationship details that promote their unity, while he does not. Recognizing this, he voluntarily submits to her pleadings, urgings, demands, requests, suggestions, and expectations. And in this way he becomes the man she can be united with forever. But if he reserves the right to pick and choose when he will listen to her and when not, then they cannot achieve full unity of the threefold self.

In the marriage relationship the husband at first feels independent of his wife in terms of his cognitive and affective self. He loves the woman, spends time with her, and they do activities together, like going out, eating, running a house, etc. This joint activity unites them in the external sensorimotor self. But he maintains separate thoughts and attitudes and resists her attempts to modify them. They are not united internally at the cognitive level, and even less in the inmost or affective level. But as the relationship grows deeper, the husband allows his thinking to be influenced by his wife so that they may achieve unity at the cognitive level. He tries not to disagree with her and to go along with her requests or demands. Later he can grow enough to be able to give up his independence at the affective level so that he elevates her motivations and perceptions above his own. He allows her feelings to rule his thoughts and actions. Normally a man resists moving in this direction, but unless he does, he remains independent of her in his feelings. Since feelings ultimately determine thinking and doing, the unity of the couple cannot be achieved in the internal plane unless the affective self is unified.

When this occurs, the two partners of the couple have become one. You can see that a unit (or "oneness") formed by a couple is a higher form of human life than an individual by himself or herself. The unit of a single individual is based on selfism, even if the individual is compassionate and charitable, since the individual's self is the unit. But the unit made by a couple is higher in human functioning because it is based on the other, not the self. Mutual love and community elevate the individual into a higher form of life marked by happiness through altruism rather happiness through selfism. In the same way couples can vary in terms of how perfectly the two partners are united--external (sensorimotor), internal (cognitive), and inmost (affective). The most perfect unit is formed when the two partners are united at all three levels. This is then a permanent unit that lasts into the eternal future or "heaven."

It may seem that the model of unity gives unequal status to the man and the woman, and that the man seems to be blamed for everything that doesn't function just right in the couple. Actually, there is no blame involved in this model, but it is correct to say that the three models assign different role behaviors to the couple. The dominance model assigns a dominant role to the man and a submissive role to the woman in all the areas defined by culture. The equity model assigns equal power and responsibility in the relationship, so that the couple has to negotiate power sharing arrangements and decision making areas. The unity model assigns a lead role to the woman, but this primacy is not the same thing as the dominance of a man in the traditional model. The lead role of the woman in the unity model operates by the man's own voluntary submission to the wife's affections and motivations, being committed to follow them instead of his own. At any moment he is free to decide to withdraw his consent to her lead role, and then she no longer has an influence on him. He still does what he wants. This is not dominance.

The wife has no power to retain the lead role when the husband doesn't feel like giving assent to her. In the traditional dominance model this not the case, since the woman cannot withdraw her assent, but is forced by tradition, society, and husband to go along with the male dominant arrangement. This is why the unity model works. It is based on the man's rational understanding that she can see things that he cannot see, and therefore it is a matter of trust and compliance to her vision and motivation, over his own. If he cannot see this by rational understanding, he will maintain the relationship at the traditional dominance or equity level. To be able to see this rationally is called spiritual enlightenment (see 459 Lecture Notes for more on this topic: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/theistic  

In order to achieve internal unity with his wife, a husband has to acknowledge all the ways he keeps himself affectively separate from his wife, or all the ways he resists complete internal unity with her. To help in this self-witnessing task, I made a long list of "confessions" of those behaviors I observed myself doing in the relationship with my wife during the first twenty years. The list of over 100 items can be inspected here:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/doctrine-of-the-wife2.htm#confessions

What is the difference in the way men and women react to this list? If the two discuss it together, do they agree or not? Which items do they disagree on and why?

The entire chapter is part of the required readings (see below). It explores the unity model of "conjugial love." This expression is used by Swedenborg to refer to the marriages he witnessed in heaven. Selected stories about married couples which he witnessed in heaven are also part of the required readings.

As you go through the 100 items of my self-witnessing "confessions," try to see which area of the threefold self they involve (affective, cognitive, or sensorimotor) and what your experience has been with yourself (if you are male) or with the men you have known (if you are female). In other words, to what extent would you (if you're a man) admit to these behaviors? Or, if you're a woman, to what extent would the men you know admit to them? In what way are these behaviors contrary to the principle of unity by reciprocity and differentiation?

11.3.6.2  The Ennead Charts of Marriage

You can use the ennead chart to keep track of the relationship steps between a husband and wife, or between a man and a woman who are in an exclusive and long term relationship. Here is the chart again -- have you memorized it yet?

Table 2: The Basic Ennead Chart in Marriage  (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

UNITY

7

8

9

EQUITY

4

5

6

DOMINANCE

1

2

3

Now let's fill in the cells with more information based on the marginals of the ennead matrix.

Table 3: The Nine Zones of the Basic Ennead Chart  (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

level 3
UNITY

zone 7
sensorimotor
unity (SU)

zone 8

cognitive
unity (CU)

zone 9
affective
unity (AU)

level 2
EQUITY

zone 4
sensorimotor
equity (SE)

zone 5
cognitive
equity (CE)

zone 6
affective
equity (AE)

level 1
DOMINANCE

zone 1
sensorimotor
dominance (SD)

zone 2
cognitive

dominance (CD)

zone 3
affective
dominance (AD)

Note the progression -- path 1,4,7. What is the difference between sensorimotor behavior as it rises from dominance to equity to unity? Similarly for the cognitive behavior of the partners -- path 2,5, 8. How does the thinking of the couple change as they progress from cognitive dominance to cognitive equity to cognitive unity? In the same way, how does affective dominance differ from affective equity then affective unity -- path 3,6,9?

You need to observe the threefold self of partners to know specifically what kind of interaction occurs in each of the nine zones. Observing yourself, or self-witnessing, is a powerful way of learning to understand the psychological dynamics that is operational in each zone. Understanding this allows you to accurately assess the depth of your relationship as a couple. This leads to greater satisfaction as well as influence over the course of your relationship. It also helps you understand the behavior of other couples like parents and friends. It can also guide you in raising children, helping prepare their threefold self with habits that insure receptivity to unity marriage.


It helps to know some dynamic elements of the nine zones. Here is the chart with some further paths illustrated.

Table 4: Dynamic Elements of the Ennead Chart (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

level 3
UNITY

7b
zone 7
SU
7a ------>

<------8b
zone 8

CU
8a------>

<------ 9b
zone
9
AU
9a

level 2
EQUITY

4b
zone 4
SE
4a------>

<------ 5b
zone
5
CE
5a
------>

<------ 6b
zone 6
AE
6a

level 1
DOMINANCE

1b
zone
1
SD
1a
------>

<------ 2b
zone 2
CD
2a ------>

<------ 3b
zone 3
AD
3a

Consider the dominance phase -- zones 1, 2, 3. The two married partners begin their life of conjunction at the bottom of zone 1 marked 1a. Sensorimotor dominance (SD) is shown by the fact that they act physically with each other according to culture and tradition. This normally means that the husband sets the pace for their physical interactions and the wife submits or complies. While this is going, the partners also go through the phase of cognitive dominance (CD) marked as 2a. This shows by the way the husband's ideas and decisions take precedence over the wife's. While this is going on, the partners also undergo the phase of affective dominance (AD) marked as 3a. This shows by the way the husband's will is imposed on the wife's. She is expected to take care of his feelings and well being while she has to put her own feelings in the background.

The pattern 1a ------> 2a ------>  3a  is  followed by the reverse pattern  3b ------> 2b ------>  1a.  The first pattern is not as clear as the second pattern. For instance the cognitive dominance in zone 2a is not yet fully connected to the affective dominance in 3a. It is just building up. The pattern 3b ------> 2b ------>  1a is fully mature and established because the sensorimotor dominance is justified by the cognitive dominance, and this is fully supported by the affective dominance. The man at this point will not budge on any of the issues he defines as his prerogative as a man. At this point the relationship is vastated or consummated at the dominance phase. No further growth is possible unless the husband decides to move into the equity model. He now has to define his interactions with his wife in terms of zone 4a -- sensorimotor equity in the initial phase.

Husbands may make this move for several possible reasons. They are exposed to more modern and less traditional ideas. They agree to go along with some of the wife's demands or requests. They become more spiritual and realize that the wife has human rights he should respect and cater to. They feel moved by inner love for their wife and a desire to please her in many new ways. So he begins the journey to deeper intimacy and conjunction by following path  4a ------> 5a ------>  6a. They now get into the habit routines where they negotiate outcomes. The husband may still be trying to dominate the wife in these negotiations, but he now has the new habit of allowing her to argue with him until they can come to a consensus. For this, he must give up his affective and cognitive dominance. Stability at the equity level is not established until they routinely follow pattern  6b------> 5b ------>  4b. Now the husband is grounded in affective equity so that he no longer allows himself to impose his will over his wife, but must rely on cognitive equity in their discussions. He now must respect her views and opinions as much as his own. At least, he must act that way. Eventually he will be completely honest and the marriage reaches a new plateau of happiness and intimacy.

But for the wife, this is not the end. She desires and inwardly needs to have affective unity with her husband. She doesn't want to have to negotiate all the time (like a man wants to), and she longs for her husband to know how she feels and how she wants to be treated in their interactions. She wants him to take the initiative in going along with her perceptions and instincts. She longs for the day when she will not have to defend her rights to him, and she wants him to want to grant all her unspoken requests and desires in everyday things, like his appearance, his clothes, his manners, his thoughtfulness, his tastes, how he talks to her, how he touches her, how he thinks of her. Their marriage has reached another new state of vastation and consummation. They are no longer growing but merely marking time in this pattern of equity interactions.

If the husband becomes enlightened spiritually and rationally, he will want to make the move to zone 7, following the initial pattern  4a ------> 5a ------>  6a. Now for the first time in his life the husband begins to think of the relationship as going on into the afterlife to eternity. This idea motivates him to become more to his wife than a cooperative and thoughtful partner. He is now for the first time beginning to be receptive to his wife's inmost feelings and wants. He sees rationally that eternity together must mean total union, total unity, total conjunction. During these formative stages the husband experiences many lapses and he continually wants to negotiate with his wife about this or that. But if the wife continues to insist and demand affective unity, he can eventually establish himself on the pattern 9b ------> 8b ------>  7b, which when it becomes mature, is the celestial marriage, the highest consciousness and happiness that human beings are capable of. This is why it's called "heaven."

Here are some possible areas of observation for the threefold self of husband and wife.

Table 5: Areas of Observations for the Nine Zones of the Ennead Chart

Areas of Observation for
Sensorimotor Dominance vs. Sensorimotor Equity vs. Sensorimotor Unity
Zones 1, 4 ,7

  1. Who gets to hold and control the TV remote

  2. Whose choice prevails for what home movies to watch

  3. Who chooses what restaurant to go to

  4. What interaction dynamics goes on in each other's appearance--clothes, body shape, hair, etc.

  5. How much influence is each partner willing to take from the other regarding how to behave with friends or family, or others

  6. How do they talk to each other and what does the talk reveal about their cognitive and affective self

  7. What are the conditions under which they are physically intimate and how do they act and react

  8. How do they coordinate their movements while walking, doing tasks at home, sitting beside each other

  9. What kind of facial expressions do they have when alone together

  10. What are their preferences in tastes, colors, odors, sounds, lighting

  11. Who changes topics in a conversation or introduces new topics

  12. Who is attentive to the other

  13. Who doesn't answer, looks away, avoids, ignores, walks out

  14. Who yells, expresses angry and hurtful words, hits, acts threatening, throws things

  15. Who marks dates, events, anniversaries, celebrations, birthday cards, flowers

  16. etc.

Areas of Observation for
Cognitive Dominance vs. Cognitive Equity vs. Cognitive Unity
Zones 2, 5, 8

  1. What do the two partners think of each other in terms of who controls whom, when, and how

  2. How do they use "equity philosophy" in their relationship (i.e., how they decide about sharing work, duties, money, responsibilities)

  3. What is their attitude about one partner trying to influence the other (e.g., when  trying to change the other's habits, beliefs, loyalties, personality traits)

  4. What does each partner think of the other's opinions and views (e.g., dislikes them, ignores them, isn't interested in them, argues against them, etc. -- or the opposite of these -- likes them, pays attention to them, is interested in them, goes along with them, etc.)

  5. What do the two partners seriously disagree about or argue about without resolution of the problem

  6. How much agreement or disagreement exists between the partners regarding God and their being together in the afterlife

  7. How much do the two partners let themselves be intellectually influenced by each other's ideas

  8. How clear are they to each other when discussing things (e.g., hiding things, keeping secrets, being touchy or oversensitive to some topics, talking guardedly or with reserve, -- or the opposite)

  9. How much does each believe in marriage myths like "Passion decreases with time" or "Absence makes the heart fonder" or "Wives tend to nag" or "Husands need thier own hobbies" etc.

  10. etc.

Areas of Observation for
Affective Dominance vs. Affective Equity vs. Affective Unity
Zones 3, 6, 9

  1. How motivated is each partner to remember relationship things (dates one of them considers important, celebrations, joint memories, intimate events, preferences of the other for various things like food or activities)

  2. How motivated is each to the idea of putting the partner ahead of everything else--children, friends, family, career, attachments.

  3. How committed is each partner to the idea of total unity (e.g., feeling free to raise and  talk about any topic, feeling motivated to eliminate all disagreements between them by wanting to change for the sake of the other, and so on)

  4. What motivates them to consider each other ahead of everything else, or not

  5. How much do the partners abuse or hurt each other (e.g., retaliation, punishment, sulking, staying away, breaking promises, being unfaithful or disloyal, being uncaring or unloving, manipulating, forcing)

  6. How passionate is each partner towards the other (e.g., in being romantic, in making the other feel special and exclusive, etc.)

  7. How much are the partners motivated to stay together as much as they can (e.g., shopping together, leisure activities, lunches, watching TV, hobbies, house tasks, seeing others, vs. doing separate things each on their own  (e.g., seeing friends, sports and games, hobbies, TV programs, shopping separately)

  8. How romantic are they with each other? Is she his Sweetheart? Is he her Ideal Man?

  9. etc.

Consider these questions regarding Table 5 and the ennead matrix of growth steps in marriage:

  • How would these observations help you in assessing the quality of relationship of couples you know -- yourself and others?

  • How do you explain these observations--what do they show or why are things this way?

  • How do you now understand gender relationships in terms of dominance, equity, unity, biology, culture, spirituality?

Here is a way of using the ennead chart of marriage to help us define and identify specific emotions, moods, thoughts, and acts.

Table 7a: The Threefold Self Within the Three Models  (based on Table 3 above) (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

level 3
UNITY
MODEL
focus on partner

zone 7
sensorimotor
unity (SU)
altruistic
 sensations

zone 8

cognitive
unity (CU)
altruistic
thoughts

zone 9
affective
unity (AU)
altruistic
feelings

level 2
EQUITY
MODEL
focus on intellect

zone 4
sensorimotor
equity (SE)
intellectualized
sensations

zone 5
cognitive
equity (CE)
intellectualized
thoughts

zone 6
affective
equity (AE)
intellectualized feelings

level 1
DOMINANCE

 MODEL

focus on self

zone 1
sensorimotor
dominance (SD)
 self-centered
sensations

zone 2
cognitive

dominance (CD)
self-centered
thoughts

zone 3
affective
dominance (AD)
self-centered
 feelings

Now let's use Table 7a to help us identify various concepts in marriage. Let's start with happiness, since this is a critical part of marriage. In Table 7b I have added one specification of being happy in each model. Whenever we operate within that model, what makes us happy is specified in ALL CAPS in each zone.

Table 7b: Using the Ennead Chart to Specify the Features of Happiness in Each Model  (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

level 3
UNITY
MODEL
focus on partner

zone 7
sensorimotor
unity (SU)
altruistic
 sensations
-----
PLEASURING THE PARTNER

zone 8

cognitive
unity (CU)
altruistic
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEY ARE EACH OTHER'S MORE AND MORE

zone 9
affective
unity (AU)
altruistic
feelings
-----
STRIVING TO ALIGN SELF WITH PARTNER'S PREFERENCES AND SUCCEEDING

level 2
EQUITY
MODEL
focus on intellect

zone 4
sensorimotor
equity (SE)
intellectualized
sensations
-----
GIVING PLEASURE AND RECEIVING PLEASURE IN EQUAL AMOUNT

zone 5
cognitive
equity (CE)
intellectualized
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEY EACH MUST RESPECT THE OTHER'S POINT OF VIEW

zone 6
affective
equity (AE)
intellectualized feelings
-----
STRIVING TO JUSTIFY ONESELF TO THE PARTNER AND SUCCEEDING

level 1
DOMINANCE

 MODEL

focus on self

zone 1
sensorimotor
dominance (SD)
 self-centered
sensations
-----
BEING PLEASURED BY THE PARTNER

zone 2
cognitive

dominance (CD)
self-centered
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THE PARTNER IS COMPLIANT IN ALL WAYS

zone 3
affective
dominance (AD)
self-centered
 feelings
-----
STRIVING TO MAINTAIN PRIMACY OVER PARTNER AND SUCCEEDING

After you processed the meaning of each zone and its example (in ALL CAPS), focus on each portion of the threefold self by looking at the table up and down within each column.

For instance, in the sensorimotor areas (zones 1, 4, 7) I give examples relating to physical intimacy. When husbands try to behave according to the dominance model, their sensorimotor happiness depends on the expression of self-centered sensations like "being pleasured by the partner." This is another expression of the underlying model: sensorimotor dominance (zone 1).

When husbands try to behave according to the equity model, their sensorimotor happiness is different. It now depends on more intellectualized sensations motivated by their equity model (zone 4). Their focus is intellectualized upon equity in everything in the relationship. It is an "economic" focus and involvement, and comes out as a concern for equal pleasure. They want it to be balanced so that neither gives more than they receive (sensorimotor equity, zone 4).

When husbands try to behave according to the unity model, their sensorimotor happiness is still different. It now depends on more altruistic sensations motivated by their unity model (zone 7). Their focus is upon unity in everything in the relationship. It is an "altruistic" focus and involvement, and comes out as a concern for the partner's pleasure. The focus on one's own pleasure (zone 1) and the focus on the equal amount of pleasure (zone 4) now changes to a focus on the partner's pleasure. One's own pleasure may be there but only as an indirect result of succeeding in giving pleasure to the partner (sensorimotor unity, zone 7).

After you processes the sensorimotor column, move to the cognitive column.

For husbands choosing to behave according to the dominance model, "thinking that the partner is compliant in all ways" (zone 2), is necessary for their happiness. If they notice any hesitation or refusal in the compliance of the wife,  they immediately begin to exert their pressure and power to make the wife comply. Husbands have different styles and methods for doing this, some using violence, some persuasive strategies, some relationship blackmail (e.g., holding back, pouting, and staying away), etc.

But when they move deeper in the relationship to the equity model, husbands "think that they each must respect the other's point of view" (zone 6). This intellectualized economy governs their relationship in all its details. To be happy, husbands operating with the equity model must think that they each respect the other's point of view. Often this interpretation is delusional. When the wife wants to influence the husband in a decision, he reacts by saying that she is not respecting his point of view. Clearly this is not adaptive to a close relationship. The wife has to be able to express her true feelings without her husband accusing her of not respecting his point of view.

When husbands are willing to finally move into a closer relationship, their cognitive unity is their happiness, that is, "thinking that they are each other's more and more" (zone 8). The husband is alert and looks for any sign that his wife thinks differently than he does on some issue. He then explores it with her, being motivated to eliminate ideas in his mind that are not compatible with cognitive unity between them (zone 8).

Finally look up and down the third column.

Husbands choosing to operate according to the dominance model will strive to "maintain primacy over the partner" and must see himself succeeding if he is going to be happy (zone 3). This is an expression of his self-centered feelings that are motivated by his affective dominance and the satisfaction it gives him to achieve it and maintain it, even increase it as he gets older.

Husbands choosing the operate according to the equity model will constantly be involved in justifying themselves to the partner" (zone 6). This is an expression of their intellectualized feelings that come from a focus on affective equity. This is non-adaptive to achieving a deeper relationship because the husband's economic focus on equity keeps the wife out of his heart. His focus on equity in feelings is a strategy to maintain his affective independence. The wife doesn't want him to see himself as independent in his feelings, hence independent of her. This threatens her influence on him, by which she strives to conjoin him to herself. By insisting on affective independence through equity considerations, the husband remains cold in his heart towards the wife. He has removed any power she may have over him. Without this affective influence by the wife on the husband's feelings and motivations, the husband cannot achieve a deeper relationship with her.

On the other hand, husbands who choose to move forward and behave according to the unity model, are happiest when they succeed in aligning every single feeling and affection they have with the wife's feelings and affections (zone 9). To "align" means to "make it agree with" by eliminating anything that does not agree. This is the maximum closeness that they can achieve together. Once this affective unity defines the marriage relationship, the partners can grow spiritually into a celestial couple that can live in conjugial love to eternity, as discussed in our Readings.

What would Table 7b look like for "unhappiness"?

Table 7c: Using the Ennead Chart to Specify the Features of Unhappiness in Each Model   (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

level 3
UNITY
MODEL
focus on partner

zone 7
sensorimotor
unity (SU)
altruistic
 sensations
-----
NOT BEING INVOLVED IN PLEASURING THE PARTNER

zone 8

cognitive
unity (CU)
altruistic
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEY ARE NOT PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER 

zone 9
affective
unity (AU)
altruistic
feelings
-----
SEEING THE PARTNER AS  INDIFFERENT OR INDEPENDENT 

level 2
EQUITY
MODEL
focus on intellect

zone 4
sensorimotor
equity (SE)
intellectualized
sensations
-----
NOT RECEIVING BACK AS MUCH AS ONE GAVE TO THE OTHER

zone 5
cognitive
equity (CE)
intellectualized
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THE PARTNER IS GETTING AWAY WITH NOT DOING THEIR SHARE

zone 6
affective
equity (AE)
intellectualized feelings
-----
FEELING COMPETITIVE AND ARGUING WITHOUT RESOLUTION 

level 1
DOMINANCE

 MODEL

focus on self

zone 1
sensorimotor
dominance (SD)
 self-centered
sensations
-----
HAVING TO PLEASURE THE PARTNER

zone 2
cognitive

dominance (CD)
self-centered
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THE PARTNER IS REBELLING AND REFUSING TO BE SUBMISSIVE

zone 3
affective
dominance (AD)
self-centered
 feelings
-----
BEING ABUSED OR PHYSICALLY INTIMIDATED BY THE PARTNER

Now practice applying tables 7a and 7b to other important traits in being married: unhappiness, feeling separated, feeling close, being satisfied, being respected, being disrespected, getting along, going through a difficult period, etc.

Table 7d: The Husband's Three Choices When the Wife is Disturbed With Him   (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

level 3
UNITY MODEL
focus on partner
CELESTIAL
 MENTALITY

zone 7
sensorimotor
unity (SU)
altruistic
 sensations

zone 8

cognitive
unity (CU)
altruistic
thoughts

zone 9
affective
unity (AU)
altruistic
feelings

level 2
EQUITY
MODEL
focus on intellect
SPIRITUAL
MENTALITY

zone 4
sensorimotor
equity (SE)
intellectualized
sensations

zone 5
cognitive
equity (CE)
intellectualized
thoughts

zone 6
affective
equity (AE)
intellectualized
feelings

level 1
DOMINANCE
MODEL
focus on self
NATURAL
MENTALITY

zone 1
sensorimotor
dominance (SD)
 self-centered
sensations

zone 2
cognitive

dominance (CD)
self-centered
thoughts

zone 3
affective
dominance (AD)
self-centered
 feelings

In Table 7d you can see how the three models each have their own mentality. This refers to the husband's threefold self, whether it is self-centered (level 1), or intellectualized (level 2), or altruistic (level 3). Zones 1, 5, and 9 are bolded to show the couple's actual path of development when moving across models. Let us illustrate with a specific situation. Suppose that the couple is having an interaction in which the wife screams at the husband, criticizes him, throws his clothes on the floor, and walks out of the room crying and sobbing. The husband has available three types of reactions or responses. One is from the natural mentality, one from the spiritual mentality, and the third from the celestial mentality. It's totally up to the husband which of these three he chooses.

He may choose to react from the natural mentality, which is a focus on self (level 1, dominance model). This mentality centers in sensorimotor dominance (SD, zone 1). The husband is preoccupied with self-centered feelings -- What he feels like after the wife exits the room. He may feel bad in some way -- annoyed, angry, wanting to retaliate, wanting to go after her and shake her a little, wanting to throw something after her, wanting to threaten her and insult her with denigrating names, planning to take his revenge. These are all bad things, evil things intended to hurt the wife. Along with these evil feelings (zone 3), the natural mentality fabricates self-centered thoughts (zone 2)  whose goal is to dominate her, to punish her for her outbreak, to make her suffer, to make her beg for forgiveness.

He may choose to react from the spiritual mentality, which is a focus on intellect (level 2, equity model). This mentality centers in sensorimotor equity (CE, zone 5). The husband is preoccupied with intellectualized feelings -- he is responding to how the wife was wrong in what she was accusing him of. He may feel bad in some way -- defensive, confused, making a case against her, wanting to prove her wrong. These are all bad things, evil things intended to justify himself as having greater merit than his wife. Along with these evil thoughts (zone 5), the spiritual mentality fabricates intellectualized thoughts (zone 5)  whose goal is to get her to admit that she is wrong and he is right.

Or he may choose to react from the celestial mentality, which is a focus on conjunction with the partner (level 3, unity model). This mentality centers in affective unity (AU, zone 9). The husband is preoccupied with altruistic feelings -- he is responding to how the wife was disturbed rather than to what she was accusing him of. He may feel bad in some way -- regretful, displeased with himself, feeling weak, looking for the merit in what she says rather than his disagreement with it. These are all good things intended to validate her point of view which she felt compelled to express in such vehement or desperate manner. Along with these self-amending thoughts (zone 8), the celestial mentality fabricates altruistic thoughts (zone 8) whose goal is to protect her from further disturbed feelings caused by his failure or unwillingness to keep them away from her.

11.3.6.3  Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model

Here is a table that shows some contrastive elements that differentiates the three phases of growth in marriage.

Table 6: Behavioral Contrasts Between the Three Models

Behavioral Indicators of
One's Relationship Model

1
Dominance Model

2
Equity Model

3
Unity Model

Partners tolerate role differences, either culturally defined or by personal preference

Yes

Yes

Yes

Partners tolerate some disagreements as something normal and inevitable

Yes

Yes

No

Partners tolerate status differences between a man and a woman

Yes

No

 No

Partners insist on exclusivity so that neither may carry on close friendships with others

No

No

Yes

Partners allow each other privacy or separate activities that the other is not involved in

Yes

Yes

No

Partners believe themselves to be married in this life and in the afterlife in heaven to eternity

No

No

Yes

Each partner is tolerant of some of the other's faults and tries to live with them

Yes

Yes

No

The man always cooperates with the woman's attempts to change him

No

No

Yes

When partners disagree they negotiate to reach a consensus 

No

Yes

No

When partners disagree the man gives in to the woman's way of thinking 

No

No

Yes

Partners can't stand being separated even for a few hours, and get very anxious

No

No

Yes

Partners are mutually interdependent and complementary in all areas

No

No

Yes

Partners have total confidence in each other, feeling free of any criticism ever

No

No

Yes

Partners never try to punish each other or retaliate for anything

No

No

Yes

While making seating choices for guests at a wedding, splitting up the married couples

Yes

Yes

No

Partners assume responsibility for each other's feelings and emotions

No

No

Yes

Partners try to make each other happy

Yes

Yes

Yes

Partners allow each other to have incompatible opinions about various topics

Yes

Yes

No

Partners never diminish in enthusiasm and admiration for each other

No

No

Yes

The original passion of love decreases as the years go by

Yes

Yes

No

etc. (add your own here)

 

 

 

This type of contrastive analysis shows that the dominance model has an 84% overlap in answers with the equity model but only 16% overlap with the unity model. Similarly the equity model has only a 16% overlap with the unity model. This shows that the unity model is most different from the other two. It is also the most difficult to achieve unless the husband is spiritually enlightened and has the afterlife in mind regarding their eternal conjunction.


11.3.6.3.1  Gender Discourse Within the Three Models

Part 1: Sexy vs. Unsexy Conversational Style of Husbands

This is Table 7aa Characteristics of Husband's Discourse (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

 

MODEL THAT GOVERNS HIS INTERACTIONS

THREEFOLD SELF OF HUSBAND

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

UNITY
MODEL
focus on wife

     

EQUITY
MODEL
focus on topic

     

DOMINANCE
 MODEL

focus on self

     

Consider why a wife needs girl friends to talk to, to go out shopping, to go to lunch, call each other on the phone, send birthday cards and give gifts, keep each other in the loop about happenings, etc. Husbands and boyfriends are capable of acquiring similar conversational skills if they want to be their wife's friend, and even best friend.

Women affiliate with each other more when their husband or boyfriend isn't acting like a friend. She tries to talk to him, to be a friend, but he resists and acts like he doesn't want to learn how to talk to her and become friends, besides just lovers and roommates. Why does the man resist this process of mental intimacy with the woman with whom he is being physically intimate?

As a result of this resistance, men generally don't get to find out that women intuitively evaluate the man's conversation as either unsexy or sexy. They respond with warming inner feelings to their husband or boyfriend when he uses a sexy conversational style with her, but they feel an inner turn off or aversion to their man when he uses the unsexy style of interacting with her at the verbal level. The level he is interacting with her at the verbal level is a direct indication of the level he is interacting with at the mental level. Hence it is that she feels the warming feelings throughout her chest and hands, since his sexy talk streams out from his sexy thoughts.

Men think that having sexy thoughts refers to talking about sex or making sexual references in his conversation with her. This is not at all what's being described here as a sexual conversational style of the man. Rather, a sexy conversational style for the husband or boyfriend refers to whether his thoughts are focused on self, the topic, or the wife. Table 7aa shows that these three levels of functioning by the husband correspond to the three models of marriage we are discussing throughout.

What are the contrastive characteristics of sexy vs. unsexy conversational interactions by the husband or boyfriend? Focus on self is the least sexy style. When the husband is activated by the dominance model in his mind he doesn't care if the wife finds him sexy or not. It's more important to him that he control his wife so that he can have sex with her when he wants, in the way he wants, and the wife is a secondary consideration to him, or none at all. He is full of himself. His focus is on himself. She is expected to cooperate or be obedient. So he gives himself permission to constantly interrupt the wife when she is talking. He expects her to allow him to interrupt and not try to finish what she wants to say. He acts like he is not interested in having her say what she wants to say. He acts like he is annoyed when she says what she wants to say, rather than carefully editing herself, and saying only what he would approve. Through these kinds of daily interactions, the wife's sexual feelings for him are injured, and even eliminated.

One of the symptoms of this killing of the sexual feeling of the wife for the husband is that husbands in the dominance model mentality frequently make jokes or complain about the fact that their wife is not giving them enough sex, or that the wife is not as hot and passionate towards him as she was when they started going out together. The letters from men that Dr. Laura selected in her book (see Section xx) often do this kind of complaining, or bad-mouthing, of their wife, and Dr. Laura supports them in this attitude, giving advice to women that they should give their men all the sex the men want, as long as the men have a regular job and aren't having extra marital affairs. However, this kind of advice is unsexy to women. It feels to them like sexual blackmail to which they have to submit, or else they are considered bad wives by their husband and by mental health professionals like Dr. Laura who works within the male dominance model of marriage counseling.

Besides constantly interrupting, which shows the absence of the man's focus on the wife of girlfriend, the man will persist in changing the wife's conversational focus in various ways. To the wife, this change of topic focus is felt as unsexy, irritating, frustrating, lonely. She feels alone. There is no intimacy, and yet this is what she craves. The man who calls himself her devoted husband,  and to whom she is talking, is not acting like a friend but like a stranger. She needs for him to be familiar with the topic focus she wants to maintain in the conversational interaction with her man. This is something personal about her that he needs to learn and respect. For instance, suppose the woman, as she gets home, is expressing her conflicting and disturbing feelings and thoughts about her boss and events at work. Or else, he is coming home and she is expressing her thoughts and feelings about what happened with the kids. The man can handle this conversation in an intimate sexy style or in a hurtful unsexy style.

He must stop interrupting her or giving advice to solve her problems. Both of these speech acts are disjunctive, unsexy, unfriendly. He needs to understand how the woman he is interacting with actually responds. He needs to consider her actual feelings. He can notice this if he watches her face when he interrupts her or starts solving "her problems." Even if he operates from the equity model, rather than the dominance model, he still is going to interrupt her and change her topic focus from where she wants to go, to where he thinks the topic should go. He retains a focus on the topic from his own perspective, but he does not focus on her. When she talks to her girlfriend she experiences the intimacy, but it is not a sexy intimacy, like it could be with the husband. So conversational intimacy with a husband or boyfriend can be a more satisfying feeling to a woman than even talking to her girlfriend or her mother and sister.

The husband needs to learn how to give his wife the feeling that he is interested in maintaining her topic focus. He has to show her by his speech acts that he wants to hear what she wants to say to him. He has to want this more than he wants to say something himself "for the sake of the topic or the task" or "for her own sake."  He has to sacrifice and give up his focus on himself (what he thinks should be said). He has to give up his focus on the topic or task (how her problems can be solved). He needs to make himself want to give her the feeling that he wants to hear what she wants to say. He needs to give up the idea that he has the right to make comments on what she brings up (this is his focus on the topic or task -- equity model).

In the sexy conversational interaction style, the husband needs to learn how to give his wife the feeling, over and over again, that he wants to hear what she wants to say. Without hurrying her and acting like he wants the process to be over already, or to go at a faster pace than it is going. But he also needs to do this by being very reactive, rather than subdued and silent or passive.

The husband needs to act like he is hot rather than cold to what his wife is saying and implying, directly and indirectly. To act hot is to show emotional reactions or affectivity. Men may sit quietly while their wife is talking to them. She might be doing two or three minutes of talking while her husband looks on blandly, sometimes frozen like a statue, or fidgeting like a puppy. This style of conversation is unsexy. The man needs to allow himself to be activated by his wife's spirit. He must keep his eyes on her face while she is talking. There he will find clues as to how to synchronize his breathing and vocalization to match hers. If she smiles, he smiles. If she frowns, he frowns. If she tells something she finds surprising, the husband is act surprised -- but he must not interrupt the stream of her verbalization. If she was amazed at something, he now is to be amazed also, and this visibly to her eyes. If she makes a hint of a joke, he is to pick it up and either laugh or show that he got it. This gives her the feeling that he is paying attention to her, hence values her views. This in turn gives her the feeling of self-confidence that her marriage relationship is in a good and healthy place. This allows her to experience inner peace, which she craves for and needs in order to survive as a woman.

17a Part 2:  Spiritual Dynamics Between Husband and Wife

It is important for a husband to learn to recognize his wife's humor to make sure he can laugh at those moments. His wife will be noticing whether he laughs at her jokes and can pick up on her humor and wit. It's easy for a husband to make his wife laugh because she has had to learn his brand of humor, which is often related to his family and ethnicity. But a husband is less inclined to learn his wife's sense of humor. As a result, the wife feels that she is kept away at some distance by him, in certain areas of his thinking and intelligence. Therefore the husband must try to love his wife's humor like he loves her beauty and style. For wife and husband to laugh together, especially in a simultaneous explosion, is an intimate transaction that she finds sexy and agreeable. It is a spiritual togetherness.

A husband must want to show that he is having a good time being with his wife, whenever and wherever -- that's his job as husband-friend and soul mate. He is to be her sweetheart forever. If a man knows this and loves it, he is a real man, an enlightened man, a wise man, a conjugial husband. He is able to ascend into conjugial love in the third heaven of his mind, where he becomes one with his soul-mate, the wife he married and loved on earth. Swedenborg interviewed many such couples who have known each other for "ages and ages" living in their endless eternity at the top portion of the human potential called the third heaven of rationality in the afterlife.

I assume that just about every man, if not every man, on this planet, has resisted the idea that his job in life is to give his wife the feeling that nothing else matters more to him than to be with her, to enjoy her, to have her enjoy herself by feeling free, taken care of, protected, cherished by him above all else in the universe. Every husband that Swedenborg talked to in the third heaven was in this kind of love to his wife, called conjugial love (see Section xx).

The most unsexy thing a husband can do is to disagree with his wife and to let her become disturbed and angry with him.

It's easy for a husband to drive his wife to paroxysms of frustration by his relentless refusal to go along with her on something she wants him to do or to stop doing. He just digs his heels into the carpet and refuses to budge no matter how upset she gets. This is what kills the sex factor of mental intimacy between them. His refusal no matter how upset she gets, is proof to her mind that he does not love her more than he loves himself. She feels that if he truly loved her, he would come to her rescue and not let her sink deeper and deeper into her hell feelings. How can he be so cruel and cold as to stand by and not do anything to help her get out of it? He is keeping her in excruciating hell feelings by continuing to refuse to give up his position and refusing to agree to do what she wants him to do. He just refuses, and she feels that their sex life is dying right there on the floor where he has abandoned her. Seduced and abandoned. She feels denigrated by the man who swears he loves her. She feels cheapened as a woman.

A man must understand this spiritual dynamic between him and the woman who is conjoining herself to him. If he sees this, it is his enlightenment. He is lucky. The worse is now over. What remains is to practice the new sexy way of interacting with his wife. He instantly discovers that he likes it, loves it. His enlightenment grows as he for the first time begins to understand what is woman.

Swedenborg explains that God created the universe for the purpose of conjugial couples living in the heaven of eternity. Conjugial love is the attainment of unity between husband and wife in the eternity of their heaven. This endless and constantly increasing happiness and bliss between wife and husband, is the supreme love and the highest good from which all other loves in the human race are derived from. In other words, all human potential is derived from the unity relationship between wife and husband.

The unity couple make a single conjoint self. What the husband thinks is always agreeable to the wife. His agreeableness comes from his affective organ operating in order, that is, in the order of his heaven, or highest potential. He had made his heaven in the order of his wife's heaven. His heart is connected, not to his own lungs, but to hers. His heart can no longer function without her respiration. His blood, or what he loves more than anything, is purified by her lungs, or what she thinks he should be doing about this or about that all day long every day. He loves what she thinks, so he does what he loves. He is content and in peace. He loves what she thinks more than what he thinks -- that's it what it means that he wants to be in her heaven rather than his own. In reality, his heaven is an imaginary heaven, a virtual heaven that is distorted by his masculine ego. 

The only way a husband can be saved from spending his eternity in this imaginary heaven, is to conjoin himself to his wife's heaven. God has given the wife a conjugial heaven. This is something every woman has from birth. Now the husband can become an integral part of this real heaven by conjoining himself to his wife in a unity relationship. He can do this, if he wants to, by learning to love to do what his wife tells him to do, more than he loves to do what he chooses by himself or from himself.

Learning a sexy conjugial conversational style with the wife is therefore the husband's first big task. It is more important than all his hobbies and guy friends put together. More important even than advancement in his career and financial growth. How a husband talks to his wife is the single most important determiner of how satisfying and content he is in the couple's sex life. This is because an unsexy conversational style inhibits and freezes over a wife's feelings of warmth in the chest and hands. When her sexuality is frozen above the waist, the wife also senses a coldness below the waist. In contrast, the husband can sense a cold in his chest above the waist, like feeling annoyance or anger against her, and he still wants to use her by having sex with her, and enjoy it and be content with it.  But not the wife. She does not want to have sex with him after he turned her into an icicle inside by the unsexy and offensive way he talks to her on a daily or regular basis. She has to spend immense mental and emotional energy fighting to resist sexual blackmail imposed on her by the husband, the marriage counselors, and social expectations of a male dominated society (see Section xx).

The husband must at all cost avoid sexual blackmail in his conversations with the wife.

Since every husband expects his wife to have sex with him on a regular basis, he is living the life of a sexual blackmailer if he uses an unsexy conversational style that she finds abusive and denigrating.

We men all start our marriage relationship that way, and it is to the credit of our wife that she is able to forgive our abusive verbal treatments, laying their feelings aside, tucking them away in a fold somewhere in their mental world,

so that they can continue to love their man sexually in all other ways. But this hurts them deeply, and they cannot do it endlessly. Hence, the man is putting their future unity into jeopardy. Many men blow their chance at life in eternity with his wife. Swedenborg reports that after resuscitation, every woman meets her soul-mate, recognizes him from within herself, then conjoins herself to him from within, and the two as one, now enter together their joint heaven in eternity. This soul mate is her husband from earth, if he has learned to talk to her like a conjugial husband. But it is another man, if her husband has failed to learn to treat her with dignity.

The first and most basic dignity, from which all other dignities follow, is the dignity of being talked to in a friendly and loving style.

And yet, there are few men who know how not to abuse their woman by the way they talk, stand, or gesture. For instance, suppose the wife talks to her husband, trying to get his attention and focus. The husband's response frequently is to resist her efforts or defeat her efforts in various ways that he acts. He may be looking at the TV screen while she is talking. Or holding the director in his hand, to give her the message he wants her to stop talking already. Or continuing to work at his computer, or on his bike, or whatever. Or not turning the volume of the music down. Or continuing to eat as if he was alone, instead of being in a conversation with her. Or giving her mean looks. Or giving her cold looks. Or being non-reactive, silent, cold, when she needs for him to be reactive, passionate, agreeable, supportive, pulling with where she is pulling. He is being unsexy when he could be sexy.

If he commits himself to the unity model by weakening in his mind the equity and dominance models, he then puts himself in a position of being able to find out what woman is, and thereby be enlightened to attain his highest potential, love, and true humanity.

17a Part 3:  Conversational Rules for Husbands in Conjugial Interactions

The first rule of conjugial conversation he can follow is to be reactive and friendly whenever his wife is talking to him, as discussed above. This he is able to do, and probably has done it during the time he was dating her and trying to convince her that he is a good man for her. But then he stopped. So now he has to start again. Pretend you are on a permanent date with a woman you are after, and this woman is your wife. The man can do this. All he needs is to want to do it. And this means to make himself want to do it, because at first, he doesn't like it. He doesn't like the idea that he has to be nice to her, or else. But he can convince himself of it, if he reflects and understands the unity model of marriage.

The second rule of conjugial conversation he can follow is to deny himself the right to express disagreement with her. He has to deny himself the right to say No to something she wants him to do. He already knows how to do that with his supervisor at work, but he refuses to do that with his wife. She is asking him to change something, but he insists on keeping it the way it is even though he can see that she wants it changed. This refusal is unfriendly, hostile, and abusive. Definitely unsexy. At first men might think that this a terrible way of living in your own home. And yet he expects his wife not to say No when he tells her that he wants something changed. This shows that he is following the dominance model in his own mind.

The third rule of conjugial conversation he can follow is create a conversational atmosphere in which his wife feels unoppressed, free, and safe because he shows that he cherishes everything about her. She is not afraid to talk intensely about what she wants him to do, and instantly jump to another topic that's on her mind, then go back to the first topic and continue telling him some more about what she wants him to do. Meanwhile he is getting hot under his tee shirt, perspiration forming on his forehead and in his armpit, as he is experiencing the heat of the passion to shut her up, to reassert himself as a man, to respond to her constant invasive instructions by snarling, snapping, and growling at her. This is the moment of freedom and liberation for him. This is when he can conquer in battle with his demon self, defeat himself, put himself under her will power, and become obedient, a supporter and friend of her wishes and wants. If he wills himself to conquer, he instantly becomes enlightened and wise. The anticipated torture of being a slave to her does not materialize in his mind. Instead he feels liberated, wise, content, in true control of himself.

The fourth rule of conjugial conversation he can follow is to use the conversation as a method of enhancing her mood, of making her feel young in heart and stimulated in mind. A wife conjoins herself to her husband's wisdom and truth and rationality, but not to his idiocy, irrationality, and falsities he may believe. To conjoin herself to his wisdom and rationality and intelligence means that she loves how he thinks when he thinks that way. Conversation is an expression of how we think. Hence the husband's wisdom and rationality must be behind what he says to her at any time. When he focuses on his wife, he appears to her wise and sexy. When he focuses on himself, the task, or the topic (dominance and equity models), he appears to her foolish and unsexy her. The first of wisdom for the husband is to value what his wife says to him. To value it means to give it priority over what he says to himself.

Of course she wants him to tell her what he thinks about something, or how to proceed in some situation. She values what he thinks when he is in an intelligent and rational mood. She depends on him. She wants to depend on him. She likes that. It's part of conjugial unity. But she doesn't want him to oppose her when telling her what he thinks. He must find a friendly and respectful way of doing this. He can learn how to do this. She is giving him plenty of chances and opportunities to become better at it, by how patient and forgiving she is of all his mistakes and abuses. But he must give her the feeling that he is trying hard, that it is more important to him than other things in his life. Then she can continue to be patient and forgive him over and over again, being full of the hope that he will change, that he is changing, that he really wants to change. She now stakes her entire life and happiness on this hope.

Conversational Style of Exchanges Between Husband and Wife in a Unity Couples

(1) The husband has to let the woman take control of the exchange without falling into passivity. This means providing animated reactions that match hers in quality and intensity.

(2) The husband has to pick up on indirect clues the wife is enacting for him. He has to remember that she watches whether he picks up on her clues. If he does, she feels an inner warmth that reassures her need for continually bonding with him. If he does not, she feels a downer in her mood that can turn into concern or worry about their closeness.

She is experiencing a barrier to the building of full confidence between them. She cannot give herself completely to him because he is not seeing and reacting to her pieces. She is inwardly devastated. The only road she biologically knows exists, is cut off by his lack of desire for her pieces. These are the only ones she has. Undaunted, woman as woman, from creation to eternity, she covers up the inward devastation, and goes on to the next external attempt, the next indirect clue she gives her husband about herself and her pieces. A woman’s tenacity is greater than any other process in the universe, according to the Writings of Swedenborg.

The husband has to make up his mind whether he likes his wife or not. As long as he thinks “I love her very much even if she carries around a bunch of things that I don’t like about her.” This thinking by him is utterly devastating to her. He must get over this and change this thinking, or else his exchanges

(3) Before the exchange begins the husband has to prepare the ground. His masculine job is to create a pleasant mood around himself. When a wife approaches her husband’s sphere she can instantly experience what mood he is enacting. She can see his face, his posture, his mouth, and above all his eyes and his voice. She carefully takes note of each of these external appearances of his enactment towards her. Husbands have to practice consciously setting these features until it becomes a spontaneous habit.

When the wife disappears from his view because she walked to another room or location, he needs to enact regret in his mind. The light of beauty and warmth of sweetness in his life is gone. She has taken all her pieces with her and he must enact grieving. Then, when she walks back to the room, the husband can sincerely experience a tremendous jolt of happiness that the source of his beauty and sweetness has returned into his life. She can see this and takes note of it. It melts her fears away. It makes her feel young and desirable.

At first you might think of this idea as ridiculous, as I have at one time. To enact this little “sweetheart ritual” a dozen times in an evening at home with your wife may strike you as abnormal. Well then, strike back with the logic of truth. How else are you as husband, going to forge the unity with your wife? This is an eternal unity. There is no possibility of going back. All the bridges are burned on the roads that led you there. Do you want it or not? Do you want it more than anything else? We are talking about conjugial unity in the eternity of heaven, which is the highest human potential created.

What is the husband’s alternative? Is it hell in eternity? Is there nothing in between?

Heaven in eternity as a conjugial unity couple, is a mental organ called the conjoint self. Hell in eternity as an infernal couple, is not a mental organ because they are not internally conjoined. They are each in their own organs and they hate each other, but feel psychologically compelled to remain together. The conjoint self is a new mental organ that grows with the unity couple, from the moment husband and wife mentally declare themselves sincerely to conjugial unity, and then afterwards progressively to eternity.

The reason that it is progressive is that the husband keeps breaking the promises of his sincerity in his exchanges with his wife. He keeps scaring her to death with his frowns and harsh tones and even yelling at her or banging the door as he leaves in fury. He keeps breaking her heart with his criticisms of her pieces, all the things she cares about and feels sensitive about. He spoils her life, making it a harsh misery to endure. He is disloyal to her, taking the children’s side against her, or even worse, saying he doesn’t want to get involved in their issues. She is being clobbered while he is saying he doesn’t want to take sides.

She makes a move for conjunction, and says to him, “Honey, will you come and help me.” The first portion of his enactment is to feel irritated. This he reinforces in himself with thoughts of justification for the proposition that his wife is annoying him and that she is being rude and insensitive. Now he has a moment of pure freedom: Shall he switch to another enactment or shall he deepen this one. If he is willing to make himself switch, however unpleasant he may feel about doing it, then he is instantly enlightened and empowered by God. He is given the freedom to enact a conjunctive response to his wife’s conjunctive invitation. Happy is that husband, for he will then discover his wife’s sweetness and beauty. The wife sweetness lies in her passion for conjunction with her husband and his pieces. The wife’s beauty lies in her intelligence and wisdom as she forges the unity bond of eternity between them.

But if he is not willing to make himself switch, then he is instantly darkened and precipitated into his inherited family hells. He answers her: “Can’t it wait?” and enacts annoyance in the voice. The husband’s disjunctive act travels like an airborne sound grenade to the wife’s inner ear and explodes there. I have witnessed my wife’s face when I did this to her, routinely, unthinkingly in my darkened states of rebellion. Sometimes I even enjoyed my power to resist her, never mind it hurt her. I was a monster to myself and to her and to the world. But then I got tired of living in hell, on the edge of happiness but never in it. I said to myself, Why do I deny myself the sweetness she has to offer? Why do I deny myself real happiness? The only real happiness is that which is from God through marriage unity.

As long as the husband holds on to this idea, that is, the idea that he is now forging the future of his eternity, he can find and receive the power to change his enactment during this moment of freedom that God is giving him. And so, he can fix his face and his voice, give up all control of the situation, and let her take over of him and his life. So out loud he answers, “Sure honey, I’d love to. I’m coming right now.” And when he is near her, near enough to touch her, he touches her, gently approaching, to give her plenty of time to enter into her enactment pose for receiving her husband’s touch.

(to be continued) zzz

17a Part 4:  Characteristics of Husband's Threefold Self During Discourse -- Table 7aa

Now, having studied what was discussed above, consider this Table on the characteristics of the husband's discourse. Keep in mind that when we talk, the threefold self of the person is always involved. The words we speak, the tone of voice, the gestures -- are the external sensorimotor effects of what we are thinking and feeling on the inside. The cognitive self is doing all the thinking. But it is the affective self that motivates what we are thinking, and hence, what we are saying. So when you read the chart, think about how the husband's affective self controls the cognitive self, and the two together, control the sensorimotor talking and gesturing.

This is Table 7aa
Characteristics of Husband's Discourse
(READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL HE USES
TO GOVERN INTERACTIONS
WITH HIS WIFE

THREEFOLD SELF OF HUSBAND

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

3

UNITY
MODEL
focus on his wife

** tries to never talk in an unfriendly tone
** doesn't interrupt her
** always appears interested, involved, animated and supportive of her

** thinks that his views don't matter as much as his wife's views, since he is trying to adopt her views for the sake of unity in eternity

** loves to learn how to make his wife more important in his mind than himself
** loves mental intimacy with her as woman

2

EQUITY
MODEL

focus on topic
or task

** talks like he is always out to defend his views,  rights, or conveniences
** exaggerates and lies to control her
** calls her bad names and criticizes her when he is mad

** thinks that her views are not as relevant to the specific situation
** considers his views fair and rational
** hides his feelings to control her

** loves to retain for himself some areas of independence
** insists on it and fiercely resists no matter what, thereby making his wife suffer tortures

1

DOMINANCE
 MODEL

focus on himself

** interrupts her
** calls her denigrating names
** uses harsh tones
** uses gestures and his body to intimidate her or to punish her

** thinks that women are less intelligent than men
** dismisses her views when it suits him

** loves to dominate her more than to be intimate with her
** prefers the company of men to women

 

What the wife is hearing and experiencing from her husband are the things listed in the sensorimotor column. This is what reverberates in her threefold self, her sensations, thoughts, and feelings. From her sensations, the wife can recognize what the husband is thinking and feeling. If she regularly feels interrupted by him before she can fully express herself, and / or she feels physically intimidated or scared of him (dominance model), then she knows that he thinks of her as less intelligent, or that he thinks her views on the matter are to be dismissed. And then she also knows that he loves to dominate her more than he loves to actually be intimate with her in a mental and personal way.

If the wife observes that her husband talks like the main thing for him is to defend his views or rights, then she knows that he thinks his views should rule her mind because his views are fair and rational while hers are biased and feminine. And from this she then knows that he loves to put her views aside, or below his, which means to her that he is not committed to her fully and absolutely, and that he wants and intends to retain for himself areas or zones of independence in his mind and personality.

If the wife experiences her husband's talking as pleasant, agreeable, considerate of her feminine status and position, her consciousness enters a conjugial sphere of heavenly peace, which she can almost smell in the fragrance of the air around her, in which she sees her husband talking to her with such attention, care, and gladness of spirit and heart. She also feels this in her chest and hands, by which she senses the exciting warmth of sexual feelings, spreading from there throughout her body, if conditions allow. And from all this heavenly zone around her, she knows that her husband thinks that her views matter to him more than his own, and from this she knows that he wants to form a conjoint self with her. This is the ultimate happiness and peace she wants, and can feel, under earthly circumstances.

17a Part 5:  Field Exercise:  Monitoring Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Discourse

After studying and understanding Table 7aa above, you can use it to make a list of your own observations of gender discourse. If you are a man, you need to observe your discourse during interactions with your wife or girlfriend. If you are a woman, you need to to observe your boyfriend's or husband's discourse with you. If you prefer instead, you can observe the discourse interactions of a couple you are familiar with. An additional variation is to observe the discourse interactions between couples in novels, movies, TV, song lyrics, and the other media.

You can write down short snippets of an exchange after it happened that you can clearly remember. Some of these snippets or replies may occur frequently so that you can almost predict what they will be. Each snippet can be analyzed to show that it is either a disjunctive exchange or a conjunctive exchange. Longer snippets or conversational interactions should be recorded and transcribed since you cannot rely on memory.

Each verbal snippet or longer conversational exchange, needs to be analyzed using the threefold self as defined throughout the Tables in these Lecture Notes. In other words, you can use the ennead matrix of the threefold self within the three models, as a template to analyze or locate the characteristics of the verbal exchange.

Here are examples of disjunctive replies of husbands and boyfriends

1) Negation, Denial, Refusal

These are disjunctive replies. They happen very frequently in the dominance and equity models, but only sometimes with the unity model, at the beginning before the husband is able to control himself fully.

If you are a woman and are analyzing the exchanges with your partner, you can add how his disjunctive replies make you feel, what your reactions and thoughts are. Wives and girlfriends have an immense capacity to take abuse from their partner. They are willing to put up with this negativity in their partner because they have hope that he will eventually change his model of interacting with her. She is looking forward to his awakening and enlightenment when he will want to treat her nice and with decency.

Here are the equivalent examples of conjunctive replies of husbands and boyfriends:

These are conjunctive replies. They happen once in a while with the dominance and unity models, but not enough to make the woman's life much easier on the whole. But when the husband is governing his interactions from his understanding of the unity model, he compels himself to inhibit disjunctive replies to his wife, and to give her conjunctive replies. Disjunctive replies are unsexy, while conjunctive replies maintain a romantic tension between husband and wife that is delightful to both of them. God is maintaining the wife's mind to fit conjunctively with the husband's mind, and the husband's mind to fit conjunctively with the wife's mind. In this conjunctive mind, the couple become one merged individual. Swedenborg presents much evidence from his observations of couples in eternity, that shows how the conjunctive self of a couple in conjugial unity, is incredibly superior and empowered. Wife feels competed and endlessly loved; husband feels expanded and endlessly enthusiastic. This is to attain the truly human stage in our immortality. It is expressed by popular knowledge as the state of being "soul-mates forever."

2) Disloyalty, Secrecy, Lies

These are disjunctive conversational acts performed by the husband to his wife. They happen very frequently in the dominance and equity models, but only sometimes with the unity model, at the beginning before the husband is able to control himself fully.

The equivalent conjunctive acts would be these:

These are conjunctive moves the husband makes towards his wife. It is his will and desire to become mentally intimate with her, to share minds with this woman. He can easily see from this elevated perspective that if he deceives her, or keeps what he thinks from her, he cannot be fully united to her in eternity because that kind of uniting must be total mental unity.

It works differently for the wife. She carries secrets in her heart that she may not want to share with her husband. These secrets are not lies and deceptions, like it is for husbands when they keep secrets. The wife's secrets are spiritual secrets, not physical and social secrets, like the secrets of the husband. His secrets are disjunctive because the purpose of keeping things from his wife is to be able to get away doing disjunctive things that oppose unity. But the secrets of the wife that are spiritual are for conjunctive reasons. She is afraid that if she told him what she knows about their unity or lack of it, he wouldn't be able to handle in a right way, and his reaction would be deeply disjunctive. So in her zeal to protect their potential conjugial unity, the wife keeps spiritual secrets from her husband.

Swedenborg was once interviewing a group of wives in one of the heavens of their eternity, They told him they did not want Swedenborg to write down and reveal to the public on earth, certain of these spiritual secrets that wives knew about their husbands, and which they had just discussed with him in the interviews. They told him that if husbands knew of these spiritual secrets of their wives, they would turn cold towards them, first mentally, then sexually, and this would be the end of their happiness in the marriage. But Swedenborg answered that he had no choice but to report accurately all that he was able to observe in the spiritual world of mental eternity.

What are these spiritual secrets?

Swedenborg describes them as a special womanly perception in the interior mind that God gives the wife about her husband's unconscious or subconscious affections, desires, proclivities, inner make up. In my own experience as a husband who is striving to govern my actions through the principles of the unity model, I found that my wife's extrasensory perception of my unconscious or subconscious affections, have always been correct in the long run. A wife can share more and more of these secrets as her husband progresses and practices with the unity model in his mind. It requires that I give more credence to what she says to me about me, than what I say to myself about me. This was a huge battle in my mind for many years.

At first I flatly rejected such an idea, while I lived the dominance and equity models in my mind. My philosophy of justification was that we are all individual human beings and we each have the right to be who we are, etc. She was to be responsible for her self and emotions and coping, and I was to be responsible for mine. We can help each other of course, since we love one another, but we cannot invade or occupy each other's respective mental zones or territory. But eventually I started adopting the unity model as I started studying the Writings of Swedenborg in 1981, at the age of 43, as I was starting my second marriage with my new wife. This required me to trust my wife's thinking and judgment as much as I trusted my own, and eventually, more than I trusted my own.

This is the right thing to do because the wife has intuitions and perceptions from God about the husband that he himself does not have. Through creating and managing this difference in the mind of the couple, God is trying to bring the husband and wife together into a unity that will continue into their endless conjugial eternity (see Section xx). The husband must give up relying on himself independently of his wife, for any single decision he makes or idea he has about himself and his wife. By accepting and loving this reliance and dependence on his wife, the husband makes it possible for the couple to become a conjoint mind or self. This is what the wife has been patiently and hopefully waiting for. Now she can be fulfilled as a woman, and he can be fulfilled as a true man.

3) Abusiveness, Swearing, Yelling

These are disjunctive conversational acts performed by the husband against his wife. They happen very frequently in the relationship of the married partners, until the husband is enlightened and becomes willing to start being governed by the principles of the unity model.

4) After Disturbing His Wife, Not Making Up Adequately Enough

These are disjunctive acts that hurt the future unity of the couple, now and in eternity. In my own experience, I have had to learn in middle age that the thread or mesh that holds my wife and me together, is an actual thread made of spiritual or mental substances (see Section xx). When this thread or mesh work is injured by the husband's disjunctive act, the wife feels it on the surface of her life, making her miserable and anxious. But the husband is able to push it away on the backburner of his feelings, thus hardly becoming aware of it, and not paying any attention to what he is aware of. In my case I had to compel myself to pay attention to her emotional distress caused by my disjunctive act. I had to repent and repair the damage. She can feel when I repent and when I go through the motions. I had to compel myself to perform the conjunctive acts that repaired the injured thread in my wife's heart.

This required that I humble myself, which took a long time for me to accept and be willing to do it.

These are conjunctive acts of repair. The husband or boyfriend lover has to teach himself that when a woman gives herself physically and sexually, she does it either in freedom or under pressure. If she has sexual activity with him under pressure, then there is no internal conjunction between her and the man. It is merely an outward act that may hurt her physically and socially, but not mentally and spiritually. But when she gives herself freely, without pressure and without being motivated by some ulterior motive or plan, then she forms thereby an inner relationship and tie, an inner conjunction that is localized in the mental threads that unites their minds and hearts. When she is in this type of relationship, he can hurt and injure these conjunctive ties that unite them mentally and spiritually. And a frequent way that a man hurts these conjugial threads, is by not making up for his disjunctive acts.


Now let's use Table 7a to help us identify various concepts in marriage. Let's start with happiness, since this is a critical part of marriage. In Table 7b I have added one specification of being happy in each model. Whenever we operate within that model, what makes us happy is specified in ALL CAPS in each zone.

This is Table 7b (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

UNITY
MODEL
focus on partner

zone 7
sensorimotor
unity (SU)
altruistic
 sensations
-----
PLEASURING THE PARTNER

zone 8

cognitive
unity (CU)
altruistic
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEY ARE EACH OTHER'S MORE AND MORE

zone 9
affective
unity (AU)
altruistic
feelings
-----
STRIVING TO ALIGN SELF WITH PARTNER'S PREFERENCES AND SUCCEEDING

EQUITY
MODEL
focus on intellect

zone 4
sensorimotor
equity (SE)
intellectualized
sensations
-----
GIVING PLEASURE AND RECEIVING PLEASURE IN EQUAL AMOUNT

zone 5
cognitive
equity (CE)
intellectualized
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEY EACH MUST RESPECT THE OTHER'S POINT OF VIEW

zone 6
affective
equity (AE)
intellectualized feelings
-----
STRIVING TO JUSTIFY ONESELF TO THE PARTNER AND SUCCEEDING

DOMINANCE
 MODEL

focus on self

zone 1
sensorimotor
dominance (SD)
 self-centered
sensations
BEING PLEASURED BY THE PARTNER

zone 2
cognitive

dominance (CD)
self-centered
thoughts
THINKING THAT THE PARTNER IS COMPLIANT IN ALL WAYS

zone 3
affective
dominance (AD)
self-centered
 feelings
STRIVING TO MAINTAIN PRIMACY OVER PARTNER AND SUCCEEDING

After you processed the meaning of each zone and its example (in ALL CAPS), focus on each portion of the threefold self by looking at the table up and down within each column.

For instance, in the sensorimotor areas (zones 1, 4, 7) I give examples relating to physical intimacy. When husbands try to behave according to the dominance model, their sensorimotor happiness depends on the expression of self-centered sensations like "being pleasured by the partner." This is another expression of the underlying model: sensorimotor dominance (zone 1).

When husbands try to behave according to the equity model, their sensorimotor happiness is different. It now depends on more intellectualized sensations motivated by their equity model (zone 4). Their focus is intellectualized upon equity in everything in the relationship. It is an "economic" focus and involvement, and comes out as a concern for equal pleasure. They want it to be balanced so that neither gives more than they receive (sensorimotor equity, zone 4).

When husbands try to behave according to the unity model, their sensorimotor happiness is still different. It now depends on more altruistic sensations motivated by their unity model (zone 7). Their focus is upon unity in everything in the relationship. It is an "altruistic" focus and involvement, and comes out as a concern for the partner's pleasure. The focus on one's own pleasure (zone 1) and the focus on the equal amount of pleasure (zone 4) now changes to a focus on the partner's pleasure. One's own pleasure may be there but only as an indirect result of succeeding in giving pleasure to the partner (sensorimotor unity, zone 7).

After you processes the sensorimotor column, move to the cognitive column.

For husbands choosing to behave according to the dominance model, "thinking that the partner is compliant in all ways" (zone 2), is necessary for their happiness. If they notice any hesitation or refusal in the compliance of the wife,  they immediately begin to exert their pressure and power to make the wife comply. Husbands have different styles and methods for doing this, some using violence, some persuasive strategies, some relationship blackmail (e.g., holding back, pouting, and staying away), etc.

But when they move deeper in the relationship to the equity model, husbands "think that they each must respect the other's point of view" (zone 6). This intellectualized economy governs their relationship in all its details. To be happy, husbands operating with the equity model must think that they each respect the other's point of view. Often this interpretation is delusional. When the wife wants to influence the husband in a decision, he reacts by saying that she is not respecting his point of view. Clearly this is not adaptive to a close relationship. The wife has to be able to express her true feelings without her husband accusing her of not respecting his point of view.

When husbands are willing to finally move into a closer relationship, their cognitive unity is their happiness, that is, "thinking that they are each other's more and more" (zone 8). The husband is alert and looks for any sign that his wife thinks differently than he does on some issue. He then explores it with her, being motivated to eliminate ideas in his mind that are not compatible with cognitive unity between them (zone 8).

Finally look up and down the third column.

Husbands choosing to operate according to the dominance model will strive to "maintain primacy over the partner" and must see himself succeeding if he is going to be happy (zone 3). This is an expression of his self-centered feelings that are motivated by his affective dominance and the satisfaction it gives him to achieve it and maintain it, even increase it as he gets older.

Husbands choosing the operate according to the equity model will constantly be involved in justifying themselves to the partner" (zone 6). This is an expression of their intellectualized feelings that come from a focus on affective equity. This is non-adaptive to achieving a deeper relationship because the husband's economic focus on equity keeps the wife out of his heart. His focus on equity in feelings is a strategy to maintain his affective independence. The wife doesn't want him to see himself as independent in his feelings, hence independent of her. This threatens her influence on him, by which she strives to conjoin him to herself. By insisting on affective independence through equity considerations, the husband remains cold in his heart towards the wife. He has removed any power she may have over him. Without this affective influence by the wife on the husband's feelings and motivations, the husband cannot achieve a deeper relationship with her.

On the other hand, husbands who choose to move forward and behave according to the unity model, are happiest when they succeed in aligning every single feeling and affection they have with the wife's feelings and affections (zone 9). To "align" means to "make it agree with" by eliminating anything that does not agree. This is the maximum closeness that they can achieve together. Once this affective unity defines the marriage relationship, the partners can grow spiritually into a celestial couple that can live in conjugial love to eternity, as discussed in our Readings.

What would the previous Table above (7b) look like for "unhappiness"?

This is Table 7c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

UNITY
MODEL
focus on partner

zone 7
sensorimotor
unity (SU)
altruistic
 sensations
-----
NOT BEING INVOLVED IN PLEASURING THE PARTNER

zone 8

cognitive
unity (CU)
altruistic
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEY ARE NOT PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER 

zone 9
affective
unity (AU)
altruistic
feelings
-----
SEEING THE PARTNER AS  INDIFFERENT OR INDEPENDENT 

EQUITY
MODEL
focus on intellect

zone 4
sensorimotor
equity (SE)
intellectualized
sensations
-----
NOT RECEIVING BACK AS MUCH AS ONE GAVE TO THE OTHER

zone 5
cognitive
equity (CE)
intellectualized
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THE PARTNER IS GETTING AWAY WITH NOT DOING THEIR SHARE

zone 6
affective
equity (AE)
intellectualized feelings
-----
FEELING COMPETITIVE AND ARGUING WITHOUT RESOLUTION 

DOMINANCE
 MODEL

focus on self

zone 1
sensorimotor
dominance (SD)
 self-centered
sensations
HAVING TO PLEASURE THE PARTNER

zone 2
cognitive

dominance (CD)
self-centered
thoughts
THINKING THAT THE PARTNER IS REBELLING AND REFUSING TO BE SUBMISSIVE

zone 3
affective
dominance (AD)
self-centered
 feelings
BEING ABUSED OR PHYSICALLY INTIMIDATED BY THE PARTNER

 

Now practice applying tables 7a and 7b to other important traits in being married: unhappiness, feeling separated, feeling close, being satisfied, being respected, being disrespected, getting along, going through a difficult period, etc.


The unity model does not tolerate any differences or disagreements between husband and wife. That's the meaning of all the "No" entries in Table 8 below.

Table 8: Differences and Disagreements Contrasts For the Three Models

Yes = tolerates at times a difference or disagreement about that issue
No = never tolerates a difference or disagreement about that issue

1
Dominance Model

2
Equity Model

3
Unity
Model

What restaurant to go to

Yes

Yes

No

What to order on the menu

Yes

Yes

No

What movie to go to or rent

Yes

Yes

 No

What either should wear somewhere

Yes

Yes

No

What friends to socialize with

Yes

Yes

No

How to deal with money or investments

Yes

Yes

 No

How to deal with the children

No

Yes

No

Where to live

No

Yes

No

How to deal with family

Yes

Yes

No

What political party to support

Yes

Yes

 No

Physical abuse or violence

No

No

No

What they laugh at

Yes

Yes

Yes

What they feel sentimental about

Yes

Yes

Yes

etc. (write your own)

 

 

 

Note that Table 8 shows different categories of items as defined by the pattern of answers. There are four patterns illustrated by items:

You will note that the unity model shows "No" in most categories illustrated. Within this model of operation, husband and wife each feel disturbed for the other whenever any difference or disagreement is detected between them. They see a disagreement, no matter how small, no matter about what, as a threat to their unity. They are each strongly motivated to realign their own affections to fit with the other's affections, so that the disagreement is immediately removed and not left festering and creating a rift or division in their mental unity. Further, the unity model, as expressed in the Doctrine of the Wife (see Readings) assumes that it is the husband who always realigns his feelings to agree with the wife whenever a difference between them comes out into the open. The rationale for this apparent one-sidedness is explained in the Doctrine of the Wife.

But when the married partners  are still operating from the other two models, they tolerate many differences and disagreements as part of their normal marriage relationship and partnership. Their goal is not unity, but peace and comfort. In the equity model they want to live and let live within agreed upon boundaries. In the dominance model the separateness is defined by tradition and the constant striving for dominion, usually male over female. That is why the majority of items for these two models is "Yes" for tolerating differences and disagreements.

Remember that the four "patterns" reflect habitual behaviors motivated by the marriage model they subscribe to, which governs the way each interacts with the other. But people do not follow their own model in a perfectly consistent manner. The "model" behavior or pattern may disintegrate at times when one or both partners revert to an earlier model of interaction or pattern. For example, a husband who is operating from the unity model may become quarrelsome and non-cooperative all of a sudden with some touchy issue which he has not yet resolved in his personality. His wife can perceive this and has no choice for the moment but to put up with her husband's lapse to a lower form of mental conjunction with her. Soon the husband will recover and feel guilty because he can see from his doctrine of the unity model, that keeping himself separated is contrary to his highest goals. He will express his guilt appropriately to repair the injury to his sweetheart wife so that she can bring herself to accept him again into her inner self and thus make a unity with him.


Here is a useful exercise for identifying how couples are portrayed on TV and the media. Watch the shows or movies you want to analyze and take notes while watching. You can do this alone or with your partner or friend.

Write down the events, words, or attitudes you observed. Note the name of the show, the characters involved, and the date or week you made your observations. List each event or episode separately.

Examples of anti-unity values (AUVs) that are often promoted in the media include:

Table 9: Anti-unity values (AUVs) Promoted in the Media

  1. Living together unmarried

  2. Having children out of wedlock

  3. Making each other jealous on purpose

  4. Adultery for various reasons

  5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality

  6. Sexy dressing for men other than one's partner

  7. Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

  8. Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

  9. Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners

  10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)

  11. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners

  12. Manipulating partner through deception

  13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things

  14. Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.

  15. Girls only or boys only entertainment

  16. Acceptance of the idea that men are more important

  17. Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women

  18. Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender

  19. Making it look normal for a man to exploit women

  20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse women

  21. Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)

  22. Making it look like what women say and think as less important

  23. Accepting the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)

For each of the AUVs you observe, try to explain why that scene is promoting an AUV -- in what way is that type of event or attitude contrary to the formation of unity between partners?

For example, item 13:  "Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things" promotes the acceptance of permanent separate attitudes about some issues, whether politics, sports, or family. When partners are motivated to achieve external and internal unity they need to discuss their opinions and beliefs in a helpful way until they are able to resolve what they disagree on. Disagreements of opinion or attitude, if accepted as permanent, prevents complete unity since each disagreement has assumptions and attitudes behind it or within it, and these must somehow come out in their relationship, leading to avoidance and separation in that area.

Or take for another example, item 14: "Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc." This is an anti-unity value (AUV) because one cannot achieve unity if the partners are not free to influence one another in personality traits. Besides that, partners who are moving towards unity are motivated to become for the other what the other wants and needs. The wife strives to please her husband and to get to know his tastes, sense of humor, preferences, etc., so that she can make him happy and feel attached to her. The husband strives to make the wife comfortable and content by cutting out his behaviors and traits that upset her and by learning new behaviors that she likes. In this way both the husband and the wife strive to change for the other so that they may become as one. But if the husband insists on being the way he is, or the way he was prior to the marriage, he puts a limit to how close and intimate the two can grow together.

Once you have your own list of observations, the next step is to test it out. You can do so in various ways, depending on how you decide to proceed. One possibility would be to make up a Form with scales and definitions, then use the Form while you are watching similar shows. Fill out the Form while you are watching.

Note:  It might be helpful to consult examples in the Generational Curriculum where students worked to develop DBB Ratings for TV shows ("Drivers Behaving Badly") -- see this directory:  www.drdriving.org/articles/dbb.htm

Quoting from the book Conjugial Love (1763)  by Emanuel Swedenborg:

CL 321. (4) People who before had lived with their partners in a state of truly conjugial love do not wish to marry again, except for reasons dissociated from conjugial love. People who before had lived in a state of truly conjugial love do not wish to marry again after the death of their partner for the following reasons:

1. Because they have been united in respect to their souls and so in respect to their minds; and this union, being a spiritual one, is an actual coupling of the soul and mind of one to the soul and mind of the other, which cannot in any way be dissolved. (That this is the nature of spiritual union we have already shown here and there previously.)

[2] 2. Because they have been united also in respect to their bodies, by the wife's reception of the propagations of the husband's soul, and thus by an implantation of his life in hers, by which a maiden becomes a wife; and conversely by the husband's reception of the wife's conjugial love, which disposes the inner faculties of his mind and at the same time the inner and outer faculties of his body into a state capable of receiving love and perceiving wisdom, a state which turns him from a youth into a husband (on which subject, see nos. 198, 199 above).

[3] 3. Because an atmosphere of her love continues to emanate from the wife, and an atmosphere of his intellect from the husband; and this perfects the bonds between them, and with its pleasant ambience surrounds them and unites them (again, see above, no. 223).

[4] 4. Because married partners so united think of and yearn for eternity in their marriage, and eternal happiness for them is founded on that idea (see no. 216).

[5] 5. Because in consequence of the foregoing they are no longer two but one person, that is, one flesh.

[6] 6. Because such a oneness cannot be sundered by the death of the other partner - a fact manifestly evident to visual sight in the spirit.

[7] To these reasons we will add this new one:

7. Because the two are not actually separated by the death of one; for the spirit of the deceased continues to dwell with the spirit of the one not yet deceased, and this until the death of the other, at which time they come together again and are reunited, loving each other even more tenderly than before, because they are in the spiritual world.

From these circumstances comes the following inevitable result, that people who before had lived in a state of truly conjugial love do not wish to marry again.

If they nevertheless do afterwards enter into something like a marriage, it is for reasons dissociated from conjugial love; and these reasons are all external ones. As for example: If there are little children in the house and there is need to provide for their care. If the house is a large one, equipped with servants of both sexes. If responsibilities outside the house divert the mind from domestic concerns at home. If there is need for joint assistance and shared duties. And other like reasons. (Conjugial Love Number 321)

CL 229. (20) For people who desire truly conjugial love, the Lord provides similar partners, and if they are not found on earth, He provides them in heaven. This results from the fact that all marriages of truly conjugial love are provided by the Lord. They come from Him, as may be seen above in nos. 130, 131. But how they are provided in heaven, I once heard described by angels as follows:

The Lord's Divine providence is most specific and most universal in connection with marriages and in its operation in marriages, because all delights of heaven flow from the delights of conjugial love, like sweet waters from a gushing spring. It is therefore provided that conjugial pairs be born, and they are raised and continually prepared for their marriages under the Lord's guidance, neither the boy nor the girl being aware of it. Then, after a period of time, the girl - now a marriageable young woman - and the boy - now a young man ready to marry - meet somewhere, as though by fate, and notice each other. And they immediately recognize, as if by a kind of instinct, that they are a match, thinking to themselves as from a kind of inner dictate, the young man, 'she is mine,' and the young woman, 'he is mine.' Later, after this thought has for some time become settled in the minds of each, they deliberately talk about it together and pledge themselves to each other in marriage.

We say as though by fate, by instinct and as from a kind of dictate, when we mean by Divine providence, because when one is unaware that it is Divine providence, that is how it appears. For the Lord unveils their inner similarities so that they notice each other. (Conjugial Love Number 229)

Examples of Unity Values

Read the advice below and create a Table of UV (Unity Values) based on it.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, Pastoral Marriage and Family Therapist pathwayspc@aol.com

Note: full article in Parts is available at: http://gdgrifflaw.typepad.com/kansas_family_law_/2006/02/secrets_to_a_ha.html (...)

Secret number 1: Full Disclosure of Moneys - No Hidden Accounts

Money may appear to be the root of all evil but it is really the love of money that reveals the root of all evil. That being said, money seems to cause so much trouble in households and puts undue pressure on marriages when it need not. But all too often husbands and wives keep hidden things from one another in the form of hidden monetary accounts and various means of not fully disclosing their moneys.

Spouses need to be fully and completely open with one another about any and ALL money that each has: pension accounts, insurance, savings, 401(k), retirement, checking, rainy-day money (mad money), anything and everything. Doing so helps to prevent loss of moneys in the event of an illness or early death. But the most important reason of this first secret is so that both spouses can be equally empowered in the relationship. Money is power, so to speak but it is the spousal relationship that is to be empowered not the money. (...)

Husbands: if you have any moneys hidden away in private accounts, even with regard to the business you are in, please come clean with your spouse. Fully disclose this information with your wife and do it ASAP!

Wives: if you have any hidden accounts to keep your husbands out of the loop, even with regard to the business you are in, please come clean with your spouse. Fully disclose this information with your wife and do it ASAP!

Bringing out the hidden things empowers each other and creates an environment in the family of equality and the sharing of power. This is vital to keeping the love and intimacy healthy in the marriage relationship. (...)

Secret number two: Each spouse must become a skilled cryptographer or develop competent communication skills.

Those who served in the military know what a cryptographer does: a person trained in breaking codes, the secret communication patterns intended to hide what is really being said. Husbands and wives really do speak different languages. It can be difficult to interpret what the other intends to say at times. Either the husband has to magically interpret the hidden codes in his wife’s conversations or he has to develop competent communication skills. Those spouses that have healthy marriages have worked hard to develop competent communication skills to understand the other. Prime example: husband comes home from a hard stressful day of work and wants to watch TV and unwind. Wife enters the room and wants to connect with her husband about his day. What ends up happening is a confrontation that never should have happened. The two spouses collide together in misunderstanding and end up experiencing rejection from the other. All because each doesn’t know the other’s language. (...)

How do spouses develop competent communication skills? Husbands and wives need to take time to ask each other what they mean and clarify, clarify, clarify! Husbands: clarify what you mean when you say you just want to sit and watch TV after work. Tell you wife that it DOESN’T mean you are avoiding her all evening long. Tell her that you will do it for a certain amount of time and then will be available to talk with her afterwards. Tell her how important that time is for you.

Husbands: Do not think that all your wishes and wants will somehow be transferred to your wife by osmosis. She doesn’t know but what you tell her. She can’t be expected to read between all the lines and figure out the secret man language you are using. And when you are desiring intimacy with your wife, sometimes she can miss it. If left to her own devices, she will misunderstand something you did not adequately communicate! So what do you do? Clarify, explain, communicate.

Wives, as well, speak a totally different language than husbands. They speak with emotion, with connection, with a desire that their husbands will take an interest in them and in their day. Wives speak with depth, even when they seem shallow to their husbands. But wives, you too will have to clarify what you mean when you come home and want to spend time with your husband. He doesn’t understand the emotional connections, the need to be needed, the need for spoken words of affirmation, the need to be told ‘I love you’ and to be cuddled at night before bed. Many times you speak in a foreign language. And when you are desiring romance, he can totally miss it.

Wives: Do not think that your wishes and wants will be magically transferred to your husband by osmosis. He needs for you to clarify, explain, communicate. To put it another way, if we don’t communicate, then we will be distant, confused, and lost. Eventually, the relationship grows apart and dissolves; without communication, without connection, we die. Newborn infants have to be held after birth to develop normally. Child friendships develop because two persons find common areas of connection and interest. We are not made to be alone for our life. Husbands and wives are brought together to be complementary and connectional.

Marriage demands excellence of the husband and the wife. The old adage of ‘we’ve been married for 40 years and we haven’t had a communication problem since I told her who was the boss’ doesn’t hold water anymore. Our parents and grandparents may have been able to scuff off not having had good communication skills and made us believe as if it was just fine and dandy to operate in misunderstanding and disconnection. 2005 is different. Husbands and wives operate in equality in the 21st century. Gone are the days of male domination and ‘women are to keep silent.’ (...)

Good communication empowers both spouses in love and harmony. Good communication keeps you connected to the other in understanding and clarity. And when problems arise and misunderstandings creep through the relationship, having established a pattern of understanding helps to ward off unnecessary arguments and family problems. (...)

Secret number three: Words empower -- praise your spouse often in public and private.

It is rather easy at the start of a marriage, or even after years of marriage, for many couples to begin to gnaw on the other. Those little things that each does that totally irritates the other - small comments of complaint or disgust to the other spouse for the way they look, what they do, how they are, what is said, etc. Over time these small forms of rejection build up to form an emotional wall that forms between you and your spouse. Even if such small comments are unintentional or even part of your relationship, those comments do emotional damage when it need not.

Words can do allot of damage and equally words can bring inner healing and health. We all long for our parents to praise us for succeeding in life, for choosing a good partner, for having beautiful children, or for carrying on the family values. Equally, spouses long to hear those powerful words of affirmation from the other. Spousal comments can have the weight of parental comments.

More than just words of affirmation, praising the other spouse when you are out in public draws attention to the spouse’s strengths and abilities. It is a way of recognizing the VALUE you place in your spouse. It is more than just bragging on them, it is attaching the high value to them by recognizing their importance to you.

I know many of you reading this know well enough the complaints both husbands and wives have shared about the other in public places. I don’t need to share here the kinds of things you all have said about your spouse. We have all done it. But the bad part is how damaging it is to the other spouse, much like being slandered in public. Every time you share with another person a deficiency or problem in your spouse, you are slandering an aspect of your marriage, your covenant with them. You are actually lowering their value to you and after a while the sum of all they are can get quite low. If your marriage was a value stock on the emotional stock market, would it gain in value over time or lose in value over time?

Husbands: note the patterns in your life with your guy buddies as to how you speak of your wife to them. Do you praise your wife in front of them, noting the things she does well and the appreciation you have for her. If you begin to do this, your friends will begin to be envious of you and your relationship. They will wish to be like you. What a strong witness that can be for both your marriage and your faith.

Wives: note the patterns in your life with your girl friends as to how you speak of your husband to them. Do you praise your husband in front of your girlfriends, do you tell them about the things he does well and your appreciation for him? If you start doing this, they will wish they had as great a husband. What a powerful witness it is for a wife to praise her husband in public.

I certainly do not think that you have to lie and make up something about the other spouse. This isn’t about ego or trying to psych them into doing something right. It is about acknowledging the strengths and abilities of the other. It is about attaching a high value that is rightfully present.

It is important to praise your spouse in public, where others can attest and lay witness to your statements, but it is equally important to speak praise to your spouse within their listening range. Spouses, take moments to tell the other what you appreciate in them. Speaking words of praise to your spouse in private gives feedback directly to them, helping to strengthen their emotional foundations in the relationship. Tell your spouse what they are doing well and how that makes you feel. Share with them that you feel stronger in your faith because of their support for you. Tell them that the words of beauty and the words of love are meaningful and helpful.

Words are powerful elements within our culture and life. As you find yourself praising your spouse for their strengths and abilities, you will find yourself thinking more about them in your day. And the small things that irritate, even the mistakes that are made, seem more manageable. Such communication with your spouse creates a healthier environment by which to address the things that may be getting in the way of the relationship. (...)

        11.3.7  Six Phases of Temptations For Regenerating Husbands

The following chart is based on self-witnessing observations of one husband. It is part of a research project that attempts to create an empirical taxonomy of temptations using the "hexagram methodology" I developed years ago for applied psycholinguistic systems. The hexagram classification scheme consists of six developmental steps that are considered universal for all human development. Here the scheme is applied to the self-witnessing data of one husband, and future research is to determine whether it applies to all husbands. zzz

The Temptations That Regenerating Husbands Must Overcome

ORDERLY SEQUENCE

MAIN CONFLICT

SYMPTOMS OF THE TEMPTATIONS
HUSBANDS MUST OVERCOME TO REGENERATE

I

INFANCY
WHITE
CELESTIAL
SENSUOUS

ROMANCE
vs.
REJECTION

  • being unfaithful to his wife
  • rejecting his wife in any way
  • being disloyal to his wife
  • being unfriendly to his wife
  • fails to support her
  • not coming to her rescue
  • allowing her to feel abandoned
  • etc. etc.

II

CHILDHOOD
YELLOW
SPIRITUAL
SENSUOUS

DOMINANCE
vs.
HURTFULNESS

  • complaining about his wife
  • dominating or controlling his wife
  • neglecting his wife physically or mentally
  • annoying his wife and not stopping
  • driving her crazy
  • criticizing his wife
  • pouting to his wife and acting cold
  • ignoring her
  • lying or keeping information from her
  • being secretive and acting on his own
  • deliberately confusing her, misleading her
  • manipulating her, controlling her
  • etc. etc.

III

ADOLESCENCE
GREEN
NATURAL
SENSUOUS

EQUITY
vs.
ABUSIVENESS

  •  denigrating his wife
  •  insulting her
  •  attacking her honor
  •  causing her to doubt herself
  •  belittling her
  •  taking advantage of her, using her
  •  abusing his wife physically or mentally
  •  making her feel ashamed, worthless
  •  bullying his wife through threat or intimidation
  •  endangering his wife and not caring
  •  etc. etc.

INVERSION

IV

YOUNG ADULTHOOD
BLUE
NATURAL
RATIONAL

SURRENDER
vs.
PREROGATIVES

  •  treating his wife severely
  •  making her feel guilty, sinful
  •  insisting on male prerogatives
  •  quotes the Bible to her to justify himself
  •  likes the philosophy of male chauvinism
  •  indulges himself and puts himself ahead of his wife
  •  demanding things from his wife and insisting
  •  etc. etc.

V

ADULTHOOD
BROWN
SPIRITUAL
RATIONAL

SPECIALIZATION
vs.
INSECURITIES

  •  feeling disapproval for his wife
  •  being intolerant of something about his wife
  •  fears the feminization of religion, wanting gender roles and rules
  •  puts the Church ahead of the wife
  •  rejects affirmative action for husbands (like the Doctrine of the Wife or, feeling responsible as a male for the abuse of women in society)
  •  does not mind using gender biased language like "man" and "he"
  •  secretly believes in the intellectual inferiority of women
  •  doesn't mind if the wife feels "closed out" from a portion of his life
  •  is willing to remain in conjugial cold in his internal mind as long as he feels heat towards her in the external mind
  •  does not feel responsible for his wife's insecurities stemming from the doctrine of specialization
  •  does not feel sympathy for the insecurities she has about gender role divisions and how these interfere with conjugial love
  •  etc. etc.

VI

OLD AGE
BLACK
CELESTIAL
RATIONAL

UNITY
vs.
DISCONNECTION

  •  expresses impatience to his wife
  •  discounts in his mind what wife wants or thinks
  •  does not value something his wife values
  •  automatically believes himself before he believes his wife
  •  likes the idea of treating women special, yet is inwardly proud of his maleness
  •  is inclined to love his own wisdom before his wife's
     says that he puts the wife ahead of the Church, but doesn't
  •  says he accepts the Doctrine of the Wife, but makes exceptions when he feels like it
  •  practices the principle of affirmative action for husbands (=feeling responsible as a male for the abuse of women in society), but only on a part time basis
  •  dedicated to unity and eternity, yet tolerates separation when convenient
  •  disconnects himself from his wife as soon as she stands up to him, immunizing his emotions so she can't bother him or "get to him"
  •  feels self-sufficient in his internal mind, untouchable, independent
  •  enjoys his wife's frustration at not being able to get to him on the inside (influence him or make him back off)
  •  practices being a countercurrent to his wife, enjoying the sense of power
  •  etc. etc.

The color code helps you keep track of the characteristics of each period or segment and what it takes to overcome the temptations given in that period.

  1. WHITE are CELESTIAL temptations in the EXTERNAL (sensuous) mind (INFANCY period of marriage)

  2. YELLOW are SPIRITUAL temptations in the EXTERNAL (sensuous) mind (CHILDHOOD period of marriage)

  3. GREEN are NATURAL temptations in the EXTERNAL (sensuous) mind (ADOLESCENCE period of marriage)

  4. BLUE are NATURAL temptations in the INTERNAL (rational) mind (YOUNG ADULTHOOD period of marriage)

  5. BROWN are SPIRITUAL temptations in the INTERNAL (rational) mind (ADULTHOOD period of marriage)

  6. BLACK are CELESTIAL temptations in the INTERNAL (rational) mind (OLD AGE period of marriage)

We can also group them as follows:

  1. WHITE and BLACK temptations are CELESTIAL (romance and unity VS. rejection and disconnection)

  2. YELLOW and BROWN temptations are SPIRITUAL (dominance and specialization VS. hurtfulness and insecurities)

  3. GREEN and BLUE temptations are NATURAL (equity and surrender VS. abusiveness and prerogatives)

You should be able to reconstruct from memory the main elements of the chart. Only in this way can you use the chart as a basis for keeping track objectively of your married life and your relationship to your wife. This relationship is the most important relationship we are ever going to have. It is this relationship that will determine our lot and fate in the afterlife, hence our happiness or misery to eternity. Surely it is worth the mental effort of acquiring the language of these charts as an aid, a map for navigating the successive states we must undergo.

Now let's focus on the three main conflict themes:

  1. romance and unity VS. rejection and disconnection

  2. dominance and specialization VS. hurtfulness and insecurities

  3. equity and surrender VS. abusiveness and prerogatives

The elements before the VS. represent the normal intended steps in each period, while the elements following the VS. represent the vastated or corrupted steps in each period.

We will now examine the character of the temptations in each of the six periods of our development as regenerating husbands.

11.3.7.1  OVERCOMING THE WHITE TEMPTATIONS

From Swedenborg's Conjugial Love

180. (21) The states produced by this love are innocence, peace, tranquillity, inmost friendship, complete trust, a mutual desire of the mind and heart to do the other every good; also, as a result of all these, bliss, felicity, delight, pleasure, and, owing to an eternal enjoyment of states like this, the happiness of heaven.

All of these states are inherent in conjugial love and consequently spring from it, and the reason is that conjugial love originates from the marriage between goodness and truth, and this marriage comes from the Divine-Human.

Romance (WHITE) and unity (BLACK) is our end game; more specifically, unity within romance. This is the state that the celestial angels are in. In their internal mind: unity; in their external mind: romance. Romance is part of sensuous consciousness, while unity is part of rational consciousness. We can achieve this state now to the extent we are willing endure changing ourselves by overcoming the six types of temptations. To achieve unity we must overcome our great love for male conveniences (see BLACK temptations below). This is a kind of laziness of our rational consciousness. We want our conveniences (which is sensuous, not rational), but we also want unity (which is a rational consciousness, not sensuous). Unity is not convenient much of the time, and so we want to turn it on and off--at our convenience. That's how we males think and feel before we are regenerated. Obviously we cannot achieve unity and live in heaven as long as we put our personal conveniences ahead of our unity with our wife. What will prevent us from achieving the end game?

Table 11.3.7.1  Overcoming the White Temptations

ORDERLY SEQUENCE

MAIN CONFLICT

SYMPTOMS OF THE TEMPTATIONS THAT
HUSBANDS MUST OVERCOME TO REGENERATE

I

INFANCY

WHITE

CELESTIAL

SENSUOUS

ROMANCE

vs.

REJECTION

  •  being unfaithful to his wife

  •  rejecting his wife in any way

  •  being disloyal to his wife

  •  being unfriendly to his wife

  •  fails to support her

  •  not coming to her rescue

  •  allowing her to feel abandoned

  •  ceasing to talk to her in a tender voice (contrast the voice you're using with a pet or baby)

  •  ceasing to be solicitous (e.g., when she hurts herself, or sneezes, or sighs)

  •  ceasing to remember personal celebrations (e.g., where you had your first kiss, or when you got engaged)

  •  ceasing to provide surprises for her (states of excitement she needs and enjoys)

  •  etc. etc.

The chart gives the answer. The end of romance in the wife's sensuous consciousness is her husband's acts of rejection, and the end of unity in the wife's rational consciousness is her husband's preference of his convenience over unity with the wife (see BLACK temptations below). To keep romance alive in our wife's heart we must avoid any deeds of rejection. And to keep unity alive in her goals we must avoid choosing our convenience over unity with her. Look at the WHITE list of temptations--they detail the various ways we husbands reject our wife and destroy the romance in her heart.

Discuss the WHITE chart with your wife. Make up a hypothetical scale like this one, and rate every item.

How often do I behave this way in relation to my wife?

never do it

only do it as an exception

do it from time to time

regularly do it

am always ready to do it

0

1

2

3

4

Let both of you fill it out independently and then compare. But remember this: your wife will UNDERESTIMATE how often you do these things to her, to spare your feelings, because she loves you, and also so that her honesty doesn't blow you away and then she'll some repairing to do to fix your ego. And you will also UNDERESTIMATE how much you do these bad things to her because we are biased in favor of ourselves and quite blind to ourselves as a result. This is why we need the wife to lead us out of this hellish morass we call our ego and character.

And don't forget to solicit from her to specify more items where the  etc. etc. line is. Give her plenty of paper!! And of course, you must do that yourself independently of her, and then again after you see what she added. But the responsibility rests on you to ferret out all your WHITE temptations.

From Swedenborg's Conjugial Love

189. We say that a woman feels the delights of her warmth in the light of a man; but what we mean is that a woman feels the delights of her warmth in the wisdom of a man, because wisdom is what receives it, and love has its pleasures and delights when it finds this reception in something corresponding to itself. This does not mean, however, that warmth has pleasure with its light apart from forms, but in them. And all the more does spiritual warmth have pleasure with spiritual light in them, because it is from wisdom and love that these forms are alive and thus responsive.

11.3.7.2  OVERCOMING THE YELLOW TEMPTATIONS

Dominance is a status differential. Husband and wife must have a dominance arrangement that is mutually favorable and beneficial. Dominion and control is an abuse of dominance. Dominance simply means to achieve a mutually agreeable and comfortable status relationship. Specialization (see BROWN consciousness below) means to understand rationally why men and women are created for each other as organic portions that fit into a unity. This specialization entails organic differences from the inmost soul to the outmost body parts. At every level of detail or unit of comparison, the woman's portion will be reciprocal to the man's portion, and no portion between them can be the same but only reciprocal. Hence they require different treatment suitable to its structure. When the husband can recognize this and practices it in daily interactions with his wife, then he has achieved stability in sensuous dominance through rational specialization within it. This will not be fully achieved until the BROWN temptations are overcome (see below).

Table 11.3.7.2  Overcoming the Yellow Tempttions

ORDERLY SEQUENCE

MAIN CONFLICT

SYMPTOMS OF THE TEMPTATIONS THAT
HUSBANDS MUST OVERCOME TO REGENERATE

II

CHILDHOOD
YELLOW
SPIRITUAL
SENSUOUS

DOMINANCE
vs.
HURTFULNESS

  • complaining about his wife
  • dominating or controlling his wife
  • neglecting his wife physically or mentally
  • annoying his wife and not stopping
  • driving her crazy
  • criticizing his wife
  • pouting to his wife and acting cold
  • ignoring her
  • lying or keeping information from her
  • being secretive and acting on his own
  • deliberately confusing her, misleading her
  • manipulating her, controlling her
  • etc. etc.

The chart indicates that hurtfulness is the result of not achieving a mutually comfortable dominance pattern in marriage. For the most part this means that the husband is hurtful to his wife. Look at the YELLOW list of temptations. They spell out the various ways you can be hurtful to your wife by failing to work out a mutually comfortable dominance pattern. Each of these acts you do on a daily basis, hurts her. These are evil deeds of hurtfulness, each one of them, and the cumulation of them is devastating to your wife--to her mental nad physical health. And of course it is devastating to you, to your spiritual growth and survival.

Discuss the YELLOW chart with your wife. Make up a hypothetical scale like this one, and rate every item.

How often do I behave this way in relation to my wife?

never do it

only do it as an exception

do it from time to time

regularly do it

am always ready to do it

0

1

2

3

4

Let both of you fill it out independently and then compare. But remember this: your wife will UNDERESTIMATE how often you do these things to her, to spare your feelings, because she loves you, and also so that her honesty doesn't blow you away and then she'll some repairing to do to fix your ego. And you will also UNDERESTIMATE how much you do these bad things to her because we are biased in favor of ourselves and quite blind to ourselves as a result. This is why we need the wife to lead us out of this hellish morass we call our ego and character.

And don't forget to solicit from her to specify more items where the  etc. etc. line is. Give her plenty of paper!! And of course, you must do that yourself independently of her, and then again after you see what she added. But the responsibility rests on you to ferret out all your YELLOW temptations.

11.3.7.3  OVERCOMING THE GREEN TEMPTATIONS

Equity vs. Abusiveness is the theme of the GREEN temptations.

The Temptations Husbands Must Overcome (Matrix 2)

ORDERLY SEQUENCE

MAIN CONFLICT

SYMPTOMS OF THE TEMPTATIONS THAT
HUSBANDS MUST OVERCOME TO REGENERATE

III

ADOLESCENCE
GREEN
NATURAL
SENSUOUS

EQUITY
vs.
ABUSIVENESS

  •  denigrating his wife
  •  insulting her
  •  attacking her honor
  •  causing her to doubt herself
  •  belittling her
  •  taking advantage of her, using her
  •  abusing his wife physically or mentally
  •  making her feel ashamed, worthless
  •  bullying his wife through threat or intimidation
  •  endangering his wife and not caring
  •  etc. etc.

INVERSION

Equity refers to the just allocation of rights and privileges in marriage. From the point of view of civil law and moral justice women should have equal rights with men in all things. They should have equal opportunities and equal access to goods and services, including honors and recognition. But this in itself is not sufficient to establish real equity between husband and wife. The norms of society favor men in many different ways and its important to break those habits that hurt the progression to unity. Look at the list of GREEN temptations. They detail the many ways we are abusive to our wife on a daily basis. These acts of abuse are opposite to true equity. The kind of true equity that leads to eventual unity eliminates these.

Discuss the GREEN chart with your wife. Make up a hypothetical scale like this one, and rate every item.

How often do I behave this way in relation to my wife?

never do it

only do it as an exception

do it from time to time

regularly do it

am always ready to do it

0

1

2

3

4

Let both of you fill it out independently and then compare. But remember this: your wife will UNDERESTIMATE how often you do these things to her, to spare your feelings, because she loves you, and also so that her honesty doesn't blow you away and then she'll some repairing to do to fix your ego. And you will also UNDERESTIMATE how much you do these bad things to her because we are biased in favor of ourselves and quite blind to ourselves as a result. This is why we need the wife to lead us out of this hellish morass we call our ego and character.

And don't forget to solicit from her to specify more items where the  etc. etc. line is. Give her plenty of paper!! And of course, you must do that yourself independently of her, and then again after you see what she added. But the responsibility rests on you to ferret out all your GREEN temptations.

11.3.7.4  OVERCOMING THE BLUE TEMPTATIONS

The Temptations Husbands Must Overcome (Matrix 2)

ORDERLY SEQUENCE

MAIN CONFLICT

SYMPTOMS OF THE TEMPTATIONS THAT
HUSBANDS MUST OVERCOME TO REGENERATE

INVERSION

IV

YOUNG ADULTHOOD
BLUE
NATURAL
RATIONAL

SURRENDER
vs.
PREROGATIVES

  •  treating his wife severely
  •  making her feel guilty, sinful
  •  insisting on male prerogatives
  •  quotes the Bible to her to justify himself
  •  likes the philosophy of male chauvinism
  •  indulges himself and puts himself ahead of his wife
  •  demanding things from his wife and insisting
  •  etc. etc.

BLUE temptations carry the theme of Surrender vs. Prerogatives. "Surrender" here refers to the crossing of the inversion line with respect to our philosophy of life, the basis for our daily operations as an individual. Prior to the inversion all the steps in the development of our mind were "descending" steps. "Descending" in a scientific meaning refers to the order of the angelic heavens.  Our consciousness starts out with the highest celestial angels (Third Heaven) during our Infancy period (celestial, WHITE). They are then removed by the Divine-Human and replaced by the angels of the Second Heaven called Spiritual Angels. This occurs as we take the second descending steps (spiritual, YELLOW). Finally in the third descending step (GREEN, natural) we are with the lowest angels in the First Heaven called Natural Angels). During these three descending steps our sensuous consciousness has reached its full development.

Our rational consciousness has not yet been born (BLUE, BROWN, BLACK). As we complete the third descending step, we hit the inversion line. We can do either of two things. We can avoid crossing to the other side and refuse to undergo the inversion of our mind. In that case we continue to make two more descending steps. These steps are below the inversion line. One is called the sensuous degree of consciousness, and the other which is the lowest,  is called the corporeal degree of consciousness. When the mind is immersed in these degrees and are disconnected from the upper degrees, we exist in hell. We are in company with all those individuals since the beginning of the race who already inhabit these sub-human regions. Swedenborg has described the conditions of life of these people and also what their thinking and emotions are. If you read these descriptions you'll be filled with fear and the desire to avoid joining that monstrous crowd of degraded humans.

And yet when we are born today we are with them in the vertical community. Our thoughts and motives and intentions and preferences--are all their thoughts and motives and intentions and preferences. This is because every single process in our thinking and in our feelings is connected to every single like process they are going through. This connection to them is effected by the Divine-Human in the spiritual world where our mind is. This world is above the hells where they are, and is below the heavens where the angels are. Angels are those of humanity since the beginning who lived a life of regeneration while in the physical body. This means a life of religion in accordance with the commandments of that religion. This life, when lived sincerely rather hypocritically, allows the Divine-Human to regenerate the person's character so that when they leave the physical body they can continue life as angels, that is, as a husband and wife conjugial couple.

God connects us to BOTH the inhabitants of the hells and the inhabitants of the heavens. This is called our vertical community. This two-fold connection creates spiritual freedom within our temptations. Through an experience or an event, the Divine-Human precipitates a temptation for which we are ready and which is suited to our degree of consciousness. We feel our sensuous consciousness being "pulled" this way in terms of a choice, or that way. With each pull there is also an aversion or avoidance. We are thus poised at the cusp of eternity, as it were, for this is a battle for our soul that will gain us eternal heaven or hell forever. The Divine-Human insures that our mind is always in this equal balance between the forces of evil and good whenever we make a conscious spiritual choice. Through these conscious spiritual choices, our character is regenerated.

With every evil choice we are brought into tighter relationship with some particular hellish society to which we had been connected by heredity. With every good choice we are cut off forever from some particular hellish society to which we had been connected by heredity and are reconnected to some angelic society. Progress is a matter of simple numbers in a huge and long battle. Gradually we get disconnected from more and more hellish societies by each choice against them. The choice against them must happen first, then the disconnection by the Divine-Human and the reconnection to a new angelic society. The connection to the angelic society cannot take place until we have rejected and have been cut off from a corresponding hellish society.

You can see that the process of regeneration or character reformation, is like the growth process of a tree or your brain cells and their synaptic nerve extensions throughout the body. The fibrils or spiritual synapses are formed by means of our conscious decisions, and they cumulate in a hierarchy that has consistency and regularity as seen in an individual's habits, philosophy, and appearance.

If you don't cross the inversion line and continue descending, you are forever removing yourself from heavenly life, heavenly thoughts, heavenly appearances. Because heavenly life requires heavenly thoughts, and these must be rational. Without a rational mind that is functioning and operative, heavenly life cannot be supported within us. The Divine-Human can transport us through the intermediary of angels to heavenly cities. When this happens, as witnessed by Swedenborg many times, the individuals immediately sink down to lower levels of consciousness or existence. They complain of terror and swooning and refuse to go near that atmosphere ever again. Thus we cannot live in heaven unless we developed our rational consciousness. And this cannot be done unless we cross the inversion line.

This first ascending step is called crossing the inversion line.

The crossing is achieved through the help of the natural angels who are in our sensuous consciousness at that period (GREEN, Adolescence). We had to go down before we could go up, and the angels who were with us when we were low down (natural) are going to help us make the inversion. They accomplish this through influx into our interior-natural degree which pertains to rational consciousness.

This is our very first experience of as-of-self rational consciousness. Until this period our intelligence was sensuous, not rational. It appeared that we were able to think and speak rationally, but this was an appearance. The reality was that our intelligence which was sensuous, had to be animated or vivified by giving it a "borrowed" rational from the angels. It is because their true rational flowed into our unconscious internal mind that our external sensuous mind could act as if it had its own internal rational intelligence. Without some underlying rational intelligence in the internal mind, the external conscious mind cannot think with intelligence or and apparent rationality. Perhaps an analogy might help you understand this more clearly.

Think of the computer application you are using when word processing or browsing the Web or sending e-mail. Whatever you do on the keyboard or with the mouse is monitored by the computer program and executes an operation in accordance with its program as written by the programmer. What you see on the screen portrays visually what is happening to a file on the computer's memory, as directed by the program lines. What you see and what is marked on the file is the external mind and corresponds to our conscious thinking process moment by moment. The program lines working together in an organized sequence, correspond to our rational internal mind. You can see that the program is inside the operations visible on the screen just like grammar or syntax is inside the operations that create a sentence. Your rational mind is the program that creates your conscious intelligence. You are aware of your conscious intelligence but you are not aware of the rational syntax that create your conscious intelligence.

During our descending steps we develop our sensuous consciousness, thus, our conscious intelligence. We use it to operate, to think, to solve problems, to come to conclusions, to analyze, to memorize and organize and retrieve our memories and knowledges. All this intelligence activity is external, and it is created by something internal. The internal is the rational within the sensuous. But since our rational is not born until after the inversion, the intelligence we develop and use before the inversion must have the support of the angels. Their rational is what is inside our external intelligence. But when we cross the inversion we begin to develop our own rational and gradually we fill our internal mind with our own rational. Then we are fully human beings. SO WE MUST CROSS THE INVERSION LINE.

During our Adolescence period (GREEN consciousness--third descending step) our natural sensuous and abstract intelligences are at their maximum. This is the period of scientific discoveries, engineering inventions, aesthetic crafts, exploration of the earth, athletic excellence and records. But in all this external sensuous achievement there is the borrowed rationality of the natural angels active in our internal mind which is the seat of rationality. This active and underlying rationality supports our outward intelligences, but they are not our own UNTIL WE CROSS THE INVERSION LINE.

We cross the inversion line when we think to ourselves:

Wait, just a minute. Am I accomplishing all this through my own powers? Isn't it true that all this is created and run by God? Well, in that case I have to shift my daily orientation. What can I find out about God and how God runs things, including me and all the details of my life? What do I owe God?

Thinking this way is called "crossing the inversion line."

It is the natural angels active in our interior-natural mind who provide us with the rational ability to ask these questions, but especially, to confirm the answers as-of-self. We MUST confirm the answers as-of-self. This is the life that gives birth to rationality--as-of-self figuring it out. It's the sensuous consciousness of mental effort. It's rational consciousness being vivified within sensuous consciousness already operative. We begin "to see" inward. We begin to perceive rational truths. We begin to have true representations of reality. Before this our representations of reality were distorted, falsified. Before the inversion our mid walks upside down; after inversion our mind walks right side up. Before the inversion we believe and have the delusion that we are acting on our own within ourselves. This is spiritual insanity. After the inversion we believe the truth and perceive the reality that our rational consciousness now reveals: God.

God runs things. God arranges things in our mind and in our body and in our environment. And He is a Human Person, the Divine-Human. He creates us immortal being who can never die. And He does all this from His Love for each of us. And He is taking us to eternal life in heaven and saving us from living in hell forever. All we need to do is to cooperate and go along. And now after the inversion this cooperation becomes the center of our daily life. And this more and more, day by day. 

Remember from the chart that as a child (YELLOW consciousness) we were with the spiritual angels during which we learned about God and how we owe Him respect and obedience in life. But this learning from the spiritual angels was in our sensuous consciousness. Our idea of God was never rational--until we cross the inversion and confirm it as-of-self. We could not confirm our beliefs, nor deny them, while we were in childhood and adolescence. Confirmation is a rational activity of the rational mind and is done as-of-self when we approach God as our Divine-Human. We can go though outer confirmations before the rational because these outer confirmations have the angelic rationality within them. But not until we cross the inversion as a young adult do we begin to confirm God from our own rationality. The earlier confirmation of God we made was from tradition, persuasion, imagination, ritual, memory, idealism, etc. But not from rationality, that is, from rational consciousness that perceives rational truths directly.

It is possible, as pointed out, to simulate as-of-self rational intelligence in the descending steps, especially the last descending step (GREEN, adolescence).  But this is a simulation possible due to the furtherance of the angels in our rational that is not yet our own. But once we cross the inversion line, we BEGIN to acquire our own rational. At the end of this first ascending step (BLUE) the natural angels that helped us grow our first rational mind will withdraw and be replaced by the spiritual angels who are higher. This is why it's called an ascending step.

The BLUE consciousness theme is Surrender vs. Prerogatives. This is a conflict inside the husband's mind. It is a life and death struggle in which the natural angels are working to further our positive outcome. When we cross the inversion line we then for the first time acknowledge that we are not master in our own house, in our marriage. We have a master who is in heaven but whose Divine power and presence is with each individual. And so our task as individual is to return this attention and love to God by loving Him and obeying His commandments. This is the theme of Surrender. We surrender our lives to our master who is God.

As long as we are persistent and sincere (but not otherwise!) God will allow us to discover what we need to know to love Him and obey Him. Insincere love of God is actually a love of self, a love of hell and from hell. Swedenborg has interviewed many of those who inhabit the hells and consider themselves pious worshippers of God. They are a Church of Satan. You can claim you believe in God, you can claim you worship and love God, but in actuality you are hating God and loving yourself and your hell IF YOUR LOVE OF GOD IS NOT SINCERE.

God lets you know if your love for Him is sincere or bogus. He does this by showing you what you do in temptations. When God brings you to a temptation He connects you with evil and good spirits in the spiritual world where your mind lives. You are conscious and aware of the choice before you. You see yourself choose and act and think and feel as the temptation takes its course with you. You also see yourself react to your choices, thoughts, emotions, and acts. And in these reactions you can see sincerity or insincerity very clearly. If you chose evil and falsity and if you allow yourself to continue to choose it, your love of God is insincere. If you choose good, or if you choose evil then feel guilty about it, then your love for God is sincere. If sincere, He can save you; if insincere, He cannot. And these temptations or choices are given to us daily by the hundreds if not more.

Crossing the inversion by a sincere return to God is the beginning of your salvation. This new attitude is rational because it now reflects reality, whereas before when we thought we acted from our own power, we were not rational, not correct in our analysis of life and actuality. Now we are rational because our knowledge of reality is real. The idea of Omniscience, Omnipresence, and Omnipotence is one idea made of three parts. The parts are meaningless by themselves, but together they make a rational idea--the infinity of God, or, that in God infinite things are one. To the extent that we apply this rational idea to our thinking in daily life, to that extent we are learning to become more and more rational.

Rational is therefore closeness to God.

The reason is that God=Truth. The more complex idea is that God=Truth (Love), which in words means that God is Divine Truth within which is Divine Love. Divine Truth is a spiritual substance of infinite variety that is streaming out of the Spiritual Sun (in the spiritual world). As this spiritual light or substance appears to distance itself from the source, it appears to "descend" and as it descends it "externalizes" itself more and more in an ordered series, until it reaches its most external form called "physical matter, energy, time, and space." How do I know all this? Because these rational details were revealed in the Writings of Swedenborg.

You can see then that as our consciousness reaches its ultimate state of externalization in the form of the external sensuous natural mind (GREEN consciousness), we have gone the furthest out from God or Divine Truth and reality. Our consciousness and understanding of Divine reality is the least in this period when we rely exclusively on physical sensory data and their abstractions. We would not be intelligent at all in such a state, were it not for the borrowed rational of the natural angels working within our sensuous intelligence and constricting it in specific ways so as to keep it on the path of rationality. Without this guidance or directionality we would quickly plunge into irrationality, illogic, superstition, magic, cult, and savagery, all of which are irrational and subhuman.

Now notice the list of BLUE temptations for husbands given in this period. Here they are again:

The Temptations Husbands Must Overcome (Matrix 2)

ORDERLY SEQUENCE

MAIN CONFLICT

SYMPTOMS OF THE TEMPTATIONS THAT
HUSBANDS MUST OVERCOME TO REGENERATE

INVERSION

IV

YOUNG ADULTHOOD
BLUE
NATURAL
RATIONAL

SURRENDER
vs.
PREROGATIVES

  •  treating his wife severely
  •  making her feel guilty, sinful
  •  insisting on male prerogatives
  •  quotes the Bible to her to justify himself
  •  likes the philosophy of male chauvinism
  •  indulges himself and puts himself ahead of his wife
  •  demanding things from his wife and insisting
  •  etc. etc.

This is the mind of the husband when imbued with religious fundamentalism (BLUE consciousness). It is assailed with temptations that arouse his love of his masculinity, and especially, the prerogatives or perks that come with being a male. By evolution and tradition the societies on earth have developed a man's world, as it is called, because men have higher status than women just because of their gender.  As a result of this higher status given to men, culture has sprung numerous rules, norms, expectations, and practices that have a double standard--one for men, the other for women. Almost always and without fail, the double standard favors men and castigates or discriminates against women. This has been a tremendous tragedy for the human race. Women on this earth are treated with amazing cruelty and ferocious hatred by their fathers, brothers, husbands, and government officials.

The basis of BLUE temptations is the use of religion by the husband to keep his wife subjugated to himself.

This is why the conflict theme is called Surrender vs. Prerogatives. The rational course of action, which will develop the rational mind of the husband, is to look at the male prerogatives he has been enjoying, and acknowledging them as cruel and unloving to his wife, and of course, to all women. This is the rational thing to do, to confirm, and to live. This is the meaning of loving God sincerely. Denigrating women and treating them with hatred and cruelty is the meaning of loving God insincerely. One leads the men of religion to heaven, the other to hell.

But the women they mistreat and kill may easily go to heaven, depending on their sincerity to God even as they were inhumanly treated. The mistreated and abused women still have an inner choice, which is their relationship to God from within. This "from within" is not reachable by the evil men who torture her and make her life miserable. God is with her from within, so that she may talk to God, and honor God, despite what's happening to her, and beg God to liberate her. And God does, and she awakens in a heaven where her soul mate husband is joyously welcoming her, and she enters as a Bride and Queen, no longer mindful of her past on earth.

Look at the list again. They are the things we do to our wife when we want to keep male prerogatives despite our claim of surrender to a higher power. We treat her severely, pointing the finger of God at her, making her feel guilty and sinful because she is rebellious in his judgment and because she doesn't want to toe the line of gender submission. He wants his perks, and she refuses to give them to him, therefore he will demand them, and justify them with his religion. In this way he puts himself ahead of his wife and believes in himself that he is justified, doing the right and holy thing. But this is irrational because he is not doing the right and holy thing. He is actually doing the wrong and evil thing. Thus he is delusional.

But when he gives up gender based prerogatives that are biased against his wife, his eyes are opened, and he can see their injustice and irrationality. He can see that they stand in the way of his regeneration. Now he conquers all his BLUE temptations, or enough of them that his spiritual rational is ready to be developed. The natural angels then leave and the spiritual angels arrive. We are ready for the second ascending step (BROWN consciousness).

Discuss the BLUE chart with your wife. Make up a hypothetical scale like this one, and rate every item.

The Temptations Husbands Must Overcome (Matrix 2)

ORDERLY SEQUENCE

MAIN CONFLICT

SYMPTOMS OF THE TEMPTATIONS THAT
HUSBANDS MUST OVERCOME TO REGENERATE

INVERSION

IV

YOUNG ADULTHOOD
BLUE
NATURAL
RATIONAL

SURRENDER
vs.
PREROGATIVES

  •  treating his wife severely
  •  making her feel guilty, sinful
  •  insisting on male prerogatives
  •  quotes the Bible to her to justify himself
  •  likes the philosophy of male chauvinism
  •  indulges himself and puts himself ahead of his wife
  •  demanding things from his wife and insisting
  •  etc. etc.

How often do I behave this way in relation to my wife?

never do it

only do it as an exception

do it from time to time

regularly do it

am always ready to do it

0

1

2

3

4

Let both of you fill it out independently and then compare. But remember this: your wife will UNDERESTIMATE how often you do these things to her, to spare your feelings, because she loves you, and also so that her honesty doesn't blow you away and then she'll some repairing to do to fix your ego. And you will also UNDERESTIMATE how much you do these bad things to her because we are biased in favor of ourselves and quite blind to ourselves as a result. This is why we need the wife to lead us out of this hellish morass we call our ego and character.

And don't forget to solicit from her to specify more items where the  etc. etc. line is. Give her plenty of paper!! And of course, you must do that yourself independently of her, and then again after you see what she added. But the responsibility rests on you to ferret out all your BLUE temptations.

11.3.7.5  OVERCOMING THE BROWN TEMPTATIONS

Look at the list of BROWN temptations:

V

ADULTHOOD
BROWN
SPIRITUAL
RATIONAL

SPECIALIZATION
vs.
INSECURITIES

  •  feeling disapproval for his wife
  •  being intolerant of something about his wife
  •  fears the feminization of religion, wanting gender roles and rules
  •  puts the Church ahead of the wife
  •  rejects affirmative action for husbands (like the Doctrine of the Wife or, feeling responsible as a male for the abuse of women in society)
  •  does not mind using gender biased language like "man" and "he"
  •  secretly believes in the intellectual inferiority of women
  •  doesn't mind if the wife feels "closed out" from a portion of his life
  •  is willing to remain in conjugial cold in his internal mind as long as he feels heat towards her in the external mind
  •  does not feel responsible for his wife's insecurities stemming from the doctrine of specialization
  •  does not feel sympathy for the insecurities she has about gender role divisions and how these interfere with conjugial love
  •  etc. etc.

The conflict theme in this period is called Specialization vs. Insecurities. This refers to the insecurities of the wife for which we husbands are responsible because of our unwillingness to give up an irrational belief in our gender superiority. In the previous step of BLUE consciousness, we left behind the irrational idea that male prerogatives are protected and enjoined by religion. This was called the Doctrine of Fundamentalism in an earlier chart above (matrix 1). But now another similar but more virulent anti-rational idea holds our attention and belief system. It is called the Doctrine of the Church, not the true Doctrine of the true Church, but the husband's doctrine of the falsified Church he erects in his imagination and delusion. The true Doctrine of the Church is holy and from the Word, but a right understanding of the Doctrine relating to gender roles only develops later. At first, the doctrine of the Church we create from our self-intelligence is an unholy heresy and serves only to maintain our superiority over our wife.

In the earlier state we gave up the idea that male prerogatives are enjoined by religion and by God's creation (as we had believed in BLUE consciousness). We can give up enjoyment of these prerogatives as unworthy of us. And yet we are still prisoners of a deeper view we hold that was not apparent to us until now because it was deeply hidden and covered over. But now as we are into the development of BROWN consciousness the Divine Psychologist brings these hidden inclinations to our new awareness. With this new awareness we can witness our strivings and our justifications whenever the subject of women or the feminine is brought to the fore.

Look at the list again.

These are the ways we create insecurities in our wife's mind and heart.

We do this because her insecurities as wife insure the maintenance of our superiority as husband.

To be healed from these plagues we must identify with her insecurities and see that it is us who create them by not managing them appropriately, with compassion and friendship. And we must confirm by self-examination and self-witnessing how we keep her insecure and when it is that we pull out our masculine guns and threaten her with one of these insecurities. The basis of our attack is to make her feel excluded by Divine Law from some of the husband's Divinely given roles, tasks, and abilities. This excludes her by constitutional authority, and she is rendered powerless to save the husband from himself. Yet this is her God-given task, and this is his only salvation.

I have recommended a technique called "affirmative action for husbands" with respect to the three ascending steps of rational consciousness. This is the idea in the Doctrine of the Wife that we should act as if we take on the responsibility for all of society in terms of its discrimination against women. We must "bend over backwards" and declare ourselves guilty of society's discrimination against women because al along we have been enjoying our special male advantages. We have not rejected these male prerogatives given to us by society. Even if we are not the ones who established them, even though we were born into such a society, nevertheless we are guilty for not rebelling against the discrimination. We went along with it and are still going along with it. We are not breaking down doors, voting politicians out of office, bending over backwards to give women employees an advantage in the workplace. We just quietly go along with it, and even if we protest verbally and philosophically, we still go along with the de facto situation. Therefore we should label ourselves as guilty participants, for then we can change our view of our wife.

By "affirmative action" I mean going overboard in favor of women and without debate finding men automatically at fault, thus in need of amendment and repentance. We must repudiate the superior status with which we are born as males and which our culture gives us permission to enact and enjoy. Instead we must do the opposite of what male superiority enjoins. We must choose to voluntarily act as if we are submissive to our wife, to her inclinations, her wisdom. You can see this article for more details.

When we can support this approach, we can cross into the next period of development, the last ascending step (BLACK consciousness).

V

ADULTHOOD
BROWN
SPIRITUAL
RATIONAL

SPECIALIZATION
vs.
INSECURITIES

  •  feeling disapproval for his wife
  •  being intolerant of something about his wife
  •  fears the feminization of religion, wanting gender roles and rules
  •  puts the Church ahead of the wife
  •  rejects affirmative action for husbands (like the Doctrine of the Wife or, feeling responsible as a male for the abuse of women in society)
  •  does not mind using gender biased language like "man" and "he"
  •  secretly believes in the intellectual inferiority of women
  •  doesn't mind if the wife feels "closed out" from a portion of his life
  •  is willing to remain in conjugial cold in his internal mind as long as he feels heat towards her in the external mind
  •  does not feel responsible for his wife's insecurities stemming from the doctrine of specialization
  •  does not feel sympathy for the insecurities she has about gender role divisions and how these interfere with conjugial love
  •  etc. etc.

Discuss the BROWN chart with your wife. Make up a hypothetical scale like this one, and rate every item.

How often do I behave this way in relation to my wife?

never do it

only do it as an exception

do it from time to time

regularly do it

am always ready to do it

0

1

2

3

4

Let both of you fill it out independently and then compare. But remember this: your wife will UNDERESTIMATE how often you do these things to her, to spare your feelings, because she loves you, and also so that her honesty doesn't blow you away and then she'll some repairing to do to fix your ego. And you will also UNDERESTIMATE how much you do these bad things to her because we are biased in favor of ourselves and quite blind to ourselves as a result. This is why we need the wife to lead us out of this hellish morass we call our ego and character.

And don't forget to solicit from her to specify more items where the  etc. etc. line is. Give her plenty of paper!! And of course, you must do that yourself independently of her, and then again after you see what she added. But the responsibility rests on you to ferret out all your BROWN temptations.

11.3.7.6  OVERCOMING THE BLACK TEMPTATIONS

VI

OLD AGE
BLACK
CELESTIAL
RATIONAL

UNITY
vs.
DISCONNECTION

  •  expresses impatience to his wife
  •  discounts in his mind what wife wants or thinks
  •  does not value something his wife values
  •  automatically believes himself before he believes his wife
  •  likes the idea of treating women special, yet is inwardly proud of his maleness
  •  is inclined to love his own wisdom before his wife's
     says that he puts the wife ahead of the Church, but doesn't
  •  says he accepts the Doctrine of the Wife, but makes exceptions when he feels like it
  •  practices the principle of affirmative action for husbands (=feeling responsible as a male for the abuse of women in society), but only on a part time basis
  •  dedicated to unity and eternity, yet tolerates separation when convenient
  •  disconnects himself from his wife as soon as she stands up to him, immunizing his emotions so she can't bother him or "get to him"
  •  feels self-sufficient in his internal mind, untouchable, independent
  •  enjoys his wife's frustration at not being able to get to him on the inside (influence him or make him back off)
  •  practices being a countercurrent to his wife, enjoying the sense of power
  •  etc. etc.

BLACK consciousness is the state of our third and last ascending step. This is home coming. This is the fully human state that we will enjoy in one of the three heavens after we exit from the physical body. This is the state we will be growing in to eternity, regenerating more and more, that is, becoming more and more rational. And this means getting closer and closer to the Divine. The closer we can get to the Divine, the more we can understand and love His inner rational truths that are endless. These also reflect the quality of our life and the inner capacities we are able to receive from the Divine. It is the last ascending step because we leave the spiritual angels and are now back with the celestial or highest angels who are guiding the growth of our interior celestial rational mind. We were with the celestial angels in our Infancy period (WHITE consciousness), but their presence in our awareness was in the external mind of sensuous consciousness. But now (BLACK consciousness) we are consciously growing in our rational perceptions, which are in the internal mind.

The chart labels this period by the theme conflict of Unity vs. Disconnection. This refers to the husband's disconnection from his wife's affections. When it comes down to the most basic level, the highest state we can be in as humans, what do we find that keeps us from enjoying it and being in it? They appear on the surface to be little things that disconnect us from the wife in comparison to the big things in earlier periods. In the state immediately before the inversion the theme was Equity vs. Abusiveness (GREEN consciousness). This is big and visible and ugly. Then as we cross the inversion line the conflict theme becomes Sincere Surrender to God's Authority vs. Using God to Retain Male Prerogatives (BLUE consciousness). Insisting on our male prerogatives sounds less serious a crime against women than Abusiveness, Violence, and the Enjoyment of Cruelty. This is true. And yet, seen from the inside, the conflicts and crimes against women in the ascending steps are even more injurious to the development of unity because they are more subtle, more hidden, more virulent in the long run and we need to dig deeper to see them and get rid of them.

On the surface, BLACK temptations appear less serious than the temptations before. Look at the list again.

Note how a lot of these temptations have to do with protecting our conveniences. This is even more subtle than protecting our prerogatives (BLUE consciousness) or protecting our God given superiority (BROWN consciousness). Why do we not value something our wife values when we are committed to unity with her? The answer is because it's inconvenient. We have our own values and plans, and we take these to be rational and good because they are based on our love for religion and revelation.  So we think within ourselves, and so we try to convince our wife. But to her it's plain and simple, and perfectly rational. If the husband really wanted unity he would not discount her ideas and her values and her approach to any single thing or all things taken together. She plainly sees that her husband is reluctant to listen to her wisdom because it's sooooo inconvenient to him.

She sees that the husband is theoretically committed to the Doctrine of the Wife and she sees that he is officially supportive of the affirmative action philosophy. Yet she sees how we fail to live by these ideals on account of our unwillingness to give up the conveniences of our superior position. We have now achieved our regeneration efforts, enough to be at the doorsteps of heaven and ready to enter with our wife at our arms. And yet we won't step over into the actual courtyard. We linger on the outside edges of the celestial property. We loiter there and are in great great  danger of slipping back, slipping away, sliding down, and out into the outer darkness of male chauvinism and hell.

But the celestial angels working within our inmost mind give aid and guidance and we only need to obey from within. At last we can enter the courts of conjugial love and enjoy that state even while we are here on earth, knowing with full guarantee, that we will continue together as a couple, this conjugial life that will be immeasurably aggrandized as soon as we cross the bar and enter the heavens.

In a subsequent section below we will discuss the Scriptural justifications for the Doctrine of the Wife. This is important because to our generation, and from us onward into the future, the Writings of Swedenborg will be the primary and perhaps only source of rational truths that are Divine Truths because they are revelations from God given for our regeneration. So we will adduce various passages and arguments from the Writings to show how the Doctrine of the Wife is a philosophy of doing for regenerating husbands that is clearly indicated by revelation. It is our guide post to conjugial love, and thus to heaven.

I think it is most important for husbands to keep very close track of their temptations in marriage. Most women and a few men will be able to give their assent to the idea of the Doctrine of the Wife when they hear it explained, as in this article. But the majority of men will want "Scriptural" proof, and this I give below in a small way. I believe this is something for husbands to do as they strive to confirm the principle of the Doctrine of the Wife. They would want to use their knowledge of the scientifics of the Writings to confirm the Doctrine of the Wife, and as this literature and research accumulates, more and more proof will be available  to confirm the many details of the Doctrine of the Wife.

The Doctrine of the Wife is the Crown of the rational truths a husband can have with respect to marriage and regeneration. Conjugial love is the love of all loves, which means that all loves are under this one. "All loves" include the love of science, wisdom, and abilities. Conjugial love is ahead of all of them; all loves depend on conjugial love. And conjugial love has the wife at its center and crown. This is repeated many times in the Writings where women represent truths, higher truths, rational truths, inmost truths, and Divine Truths. These truths are called virgins, wives, women, daughters, sisters, and mothers. Women are at the center and crown of conjugial love, which is at the center and crown of all loves in the universe. Hence women are at the center of the universe and deserve our regard and attention and focus. This is the truth for husbands. This is what is contained in the Doctrine of the Wife for Husbands.

You will experience all sorts of resistances and rebellions and explosions as you read more and more things about the Doctrine of the Wife. Keep track of them. They reveal to you your spiritual geography map--who you're with in the vertical community. It is the "they"--the vast hoards carrying torches in the darkness and endeavoring to catch you--it is they who are howling and rebelling against the Doctrine of the Wife that your mind is contemplating. They see and experience this contemplation, they form in their mind what you form in yours, and they howl and protest, because they hate the idea of a wife. This has been revealed in the Writings. And you experience their howling and their insane pain. Now if you attribute these howlings to you--you're a goner. You're finished. They've got you. You will be one of them when you depart from here.

But if you attribute these howlings, not to you, but to them, you will instantly be propelled TO GET AWAY FROM THEM!

They are scary! You would want to get away from them if you saw them coming at you fast. You would be instantly mobilized to get away, to separate, to put distance between you and them. And how do we do this?

By means of rational truths.

There is no other way to get away from them.

The Doctrine of the Wife is a rational truth, or packet of truths, that protect you from those hoards that hate the wife. You come attached to those hoards, mostly unbeknownst to you and to your honey whom you court, sweep off the feet, and marry. But she quickly finds out about the hoards as soon as the honeymoon segment of the marriage is over. She finds out that she has married not one man, but a hoard of men who hate her. And she realizes to her horror that her husband doesn't want to get away from them. And this continues for a long time with most husbands, and with many it goes to their grave from where they rise in their spirit-body and immediately join those hoards in hell. This is the vision she faces. This is the man she married. How utterly tragic.

And now she begins her work of suffering, her passion on the way to crucifixion by her own husband who has sworn to protect her "till death do us part, for good or for worse." It is her work to try to save her husband from those hoards that hate her, hate the conjugial, hate happiness itself. And she puts up with all his phases of childishness, of adolescence, of the inversion to religion and then the continued persecution with the aid of his religion. At last, in a few cases, though it should be in every case, the wife begins to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Her husband has accepted the Doctrine of the Wife, explicitly, or implicitly, depending on circumstances and genius.

This is the way conjugial love will come back to marriages on this earth as has been promised by God in the Writings of Swedenborg.

VI

OLD AGE
BLACK
CELESTIAL
RATIONAL

UNITY
vs.
DISCONNECTION

  •  expresses impatience to his wife
  •  discounts in his mind what wife wants or thinks
  •  does not value something his wife values
  •  automatically believes himself before he believes his wife
  •  likes the idea of treating women special, yet is inwardly proud of his maleness
  •  is inclined to love his own wisdom before his wife's
     says that he puts the wife ahead of the Church, but doesn't
  •  says he accepts the Doctrine of the Wife, but makes exceptions when he feels like it
  •  practices the principle of affirmative action for husbands (=feeling responsible as a male for the abuse of women in society), but only on a part time basis
  •  dedicated to unity and eternity, yet tolerates separation when convenient
  •  disconnects himself from his wife as soon as she stands up to him, immunizing his emotions so she can't bother him or "get to him"
  •  feels self-sufficient in his internal mind, untouchable, independent
  •  enjoys his wife's frustration at not being able to get to him on the inside (influence him or make him back off)
  •  practices being a countercurrent to his wife, enjoying the sense of power
  •  etc. etc.

Discuss the BLACK chart with your wife. Make up a hypothetical scale like this one, and rate every item.

How often do I behave this way in relation to my wife?

never do it

only do it as an exception

do it from time to time

regularly do it

am always ready to do it

0

1

2

3

4

Let both of you fill it out independently and then compare. But remember this: your wife will UNDERESTIMATE how often you do these things to her, to spare your feelings, because she loves you, and also so that her honesty doesn't blow you away and then she'll some repairing to do to fix your ego. And you will also UNDERESTIMATE how much you do these bad things to her because we are biased in favor of ourselves and quite blind to ourselves as a result. This is why we need the wife to lead us out of this hellish morass we call our ego and character.

And don't forget to solicit from her to specify more items where the  etc. etc. line is. Give her plenty of paper!! And of course, you must do that yourself independently of her, and then again after you see what she added. But the responsibility rests on you to ferret out all your BLUE temptations.

From Swedenborg's Conjugial Love

213. (3) In the case of people who are in a state of truly conjugial love, their happiness in living together increases, but with those who are not in a state of conjugial love, it decreases. Their happiness in living together increases in the case of those who are in a state of truly conjugial love, because they love each other with their every power of sensation. The wife sees nothing more lovable than her husband, and the husband nothing more lovable than her. Indeed, neither do they hear, smell or touch anything more lovable than each other. From this comes their happiness in living together and sharing house, bedroom, and bed. You who are married men can confirm for yourselves that this is so from the first delights of marriage, which are then felt in their fullness; because at that time, of all the opposite sex, a husband loves his wife alone. Everyone knows that the reverse is the case with those who do not possess any conjugial love.

11.4  The Doctrine of the Wife For Husbands (DOW)

See also: Doctrine of the Wife Notes, on the Web at:
    www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/v3ch2-nonduality.html#_Toc22705816 
    www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/instructor/gloss/dow1.html
    www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/wife.html
    www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/instructor/gloss/wife.html
    www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/doctrine-of-the-wife2.htm

Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture:

CL 159. The conjugial union is a union of the wife's will with the husband's understanding, and a reciprocal union of the husband's understanding with the wife's will. (CL 159)

The Doctrine of the Wife for Husbands (DOW) is a collection of facts, principles, and commandments from the Writings Sacred Scripture that deal with how husbands must attain to the spiritual state of conjugial love. The central or pivotal commandment of this Doctrine is the idea quoted just above from CL 159, namely, the "union of the husband's understanding with the wife's will." This means that the husband must learn to act from his wife's will rather than from his own in so far as they are different in any situation. He must compel himself to always act from her will rather than from his own will. This means that whenever he disagrees with his wife, the husband is breaking this central commandment. He can attain conjugial union in heaven with his wife only if he learns to love to act from his wife's will more than he loves to act from his own. Every husband in heaven so acts.

A husband must prepare his mind to do this by daily combats with his temptations (see Section xx). A husband cannot regenerate on his own independently of his wife. Men who are unmarried in this life can nevertheless prepare their mind for conjugial union in heaven with a wife provided by God when he is resuscitated. To be in this prepared state, the man must live his life as though he is a husband to his true soul mate who is absent, but with whom he hopes to be united after resuscitation (see Section xx). Even if he has relations with unattached women he will make certain that his conjugial is separated and protected from these other relations.

Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture:

CL 193. (8) A woman is actually transformed into a wife according to the description in the book of creation. We are told in this book that woman was created from the rib of a man, and that when she was brought to him, the man said,

She...is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'Ishshah (Woman) because she was taken from 'Ish (Man). (Genesis 2:22-24)

In the Word, a rib from the breast symbolically means, in its spiritual sense, not a rib but natural truth. This is the symbolism of the ribs which the bear carried between its teeth in Daniel 7:5; for bears symbolize people who read the Word in its natural sense and see truths there without understanding. The breast of a man symbolizes that essential and distinctive quality which makes it different in character from the breast of a woman. This quality is wisdom, as may be seen above in no. 187; for truth supports wisdom, as a rib supports the breast. These distinctive qualities are symbolized, because the breast is where all the qualities of a person are, so to speak, at their center.

[2] It follows from this that woman was created from man by a transmission and replication of his distinctive wisdom, which is formed from natural truth, and that man's love for this wisdom was transferred to woman so as to become conjugial love; moreover, that the purpose of this was to replace love of self in man with love for his wife, who, from a nature innate in her, cannot help but turn the love of self in man to his love for her. I have been told, too, that this comes about as a result of the wife's love, without either the man or the wife being conscious of it. It is because of this that no one is ever able to love his partner with a truly conjugial love so long as he is possessed of a conceit in his own intelligence from a love of self.

[3] Once this secret of the creation of woman from man has been understood, it can be seen that in marriage a woman is similarly created or formed, so to speak, from her husband, and that this transformation is brought about by the wife - or rather, through the wife by the Lord, who infuses into women the inclination to achieve it. For a wife receives into her an image of her husband by assimilating his affections into her (see above, no. 173); by uniting the internal will of her husband with hers (concerning which below); and also by incorporating into her the propagations of his soul (of which also below).

It is apparent from this that a woman is transformed into a wife according to the description in the book of creation understood in respect to its inner meaning, and that she is transformed through the qualities she takes from her husband and his "breast" and implants in herself. (CL 193)

CL 194. (9) This transformation is accomplished by the wife in secret ways, which is what is meant by woman's having been created while the man slept. We read in the book of creation that Jehovah God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam so that he slept, and that He then took one of the man's ribs and fashioned it into a woman (Genesis 2:21,22). This sleep and the man's sleeping symbolize a man's complete ignorance that his wife is transformed and, so to speak, created from him. This is apparent from observations made in the preceding chapter, and also in this one, respecting wives' innate discretion and prudence not to divulge anything of their love, not even of their adopting their husband's life's affections and of their thus transfusing his wisdom into them.

It is clear from what we presented before in nos. 166-168ff that a wife does this without her husband's knowing and while he is, so to speak, asleep, thus that she does it in secret ways. We also showed in the same numbers that the prudence needed to accomplish it is instinctive in women from creation, thus from birth, for reasons that are necessary in building conjugial love, friendship and trust, so that the two may have bliss in living together and happiness of life.

In order that this may come about as it should, therefore, it was enjoined on man that he leave father and mother and cling to his wife (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:4,5). [Old and New Testament Sacred Scripture]

[2] The father and mother a man is to leave mean, in a spiritual sense, the inherent nature of his will and the inherent nature of his intellect (the inherent nature of a person's will being to love itself, and the inherent nature of a person's intellect being to love its own wisdom). And to cling means to commit himself to love of his wife. These two inherent natures are evil and deadly to a man if they remain in him, but the love arising from the two is turned into conjugial love as a man clings to his wife, that is, as he acquires a love for her, as may be seen just above in no. 193, and elsewhere.

(It can be amply demonstrated from passages elsewhere in the Word that to be asleep symbolically means to be unaware or oblivious; that father and mother symbolically mean the two inherent natures of a person, one of the will and one of the intellect; and that to cling symbolically means to commit oneself to love for something. But it would be out of place to do it here.)

CL 195. (10) This transformation is accomplished by the wife by a union of her will with the inner will of her husband. It may be seen above in nos. 163-165 that a man has an intellectual wisdom and a moral wisdom, and that a wife unites herself with those qualities in her husband that have to do with his moral wisdom. Qualities that are matters of intellectual wisdom form a man's understanding, and qualities that are matters of moral wisdom form his will. A wife unites herself with those qualities which form her husband's will. (Whether one says that a wife unites herself, or that she unites her will, with the will of her husband, it amounts to the same thing, because a wife is born will-oriented, and therefore she does what she does in accord with her will.)

We say that it is a union with her husband's inner will, because a man's will has its seat in his intellect, and the intellectual quality of man is the inmost quality in woman, in accordance with observations we have made before, in no. 32 and several times since, regarding the formation of woman from man. Men also have an outward will, but this very frequently comes of pretense or concealment. A wife sees it, but she does not unite herself with it, except perhaps in a feigned or playful way. (CL 195)

CL 196. (11) This to the end that the will of the one and the will of the other may become one will, and the two partners thus one person. This is the goal, for anyone who joins the will of another to himself also joins to himself the other's intellect. Indeed, regarded in itself, the intellect is only a servant and agent of the will. The fact of this is clearly apparent from the way an affection arising from love impels the intellect to think as it bids. Every affection arising from love is a property of the will, for what a person loves, this he also wills.

It follows from this that anyone who joins the will of another person to himself, joins to himself the whole person. That is why it is instinctive in a wife's love to unite her husband's will to her own, for in this way the wife becomes one who belongs to her husband, and the husband one who belongs to his wife. Thus the two become one person. (CL 196)

CL 197. (12) This transformation is accomplished by an adoption of the husband's affections. This point goes along with the two preceding discussions, since affections are matters of the will. For affections are simply the offspring of love, and they form the will, molding it and composing it. In men, however, these affections reside in the intellect, whereas in women they reside in the will. (CL 197)

CL 198. (13) This transformation is accomplished by the wife by her reception of the propagations of her husband's soul with delight - a delight arising from her willing to be an embodiment of love for her husband's wisdom. Since this accords with points already explained before in nos. 172, 173, further explanation is omitted here.

In wives, conjugial delights take their rise from no other source than their willing to be united with their husbands, as good is united with truth in a marriage of these on the plane of the spirit. We separately showed in its own chapter that conjugial love descends from this marriage.* It can be seen in consequence, as though in a mirror, that a wife joins her husband to her as good joins truth to it; also that a husband joins himself to his wife in return according to his reception of her love in him, as truth joins itself to good in return, according to its reception of good in it. Thus it can be seen that a wife's love takes form through the wisdom of her husband, as good takes form through truth; for truth is what gives form to good.

It is apparent from this as well, then, that conjugial delights in a wife come principally from her willing to be united with her husband, consequently from her willing to be an embodiment of love for her husband's wisdom. For she then feels the delights of her warmth in the light of her husband, as explained under heading (4), nos. 188, 189. (CL 198)

CL 199 (14) A maiden is thus transformed into a wife, and a youth into a husband. This follows as a consequence from what we have already said in this and the previous chapter respecting the union of married partners into one flesh.

A maiden turns or is turned into a wife because a wife has elements in her taken from her husband, thus elements acquired which did not exist in her before as an unmarried woman. A youth turns or is turned into a husband because a husband has elements in him taken from his wife, which heighten the capacity in him for receiving love and wisdom, elements which did not exist in him before as an unmarried man. However, this is the case with people who are in a state of truly conjugial love. Among them are some who feel as though they are a united person and virtually one flesh (as may be seen in the preceding chapter, no. 178).

It is apparent from this that a maidenly state is transformed into a wifely one in women, and a youthful state into a husbandly one in men.

[2] I was convinced of the fact of this from the following experience in the spiritual world:

Some men said that the relationship a man has with a woman before marriage and the relationship he has with his wife after marriage are similar. When they heard this, their wives became very offended and said, "They are not at all alike! The difference is as the difference between fantasy and reality."

To this the men retorted, "Are you not women as before?" To which their wives responded with rising voice, "We are not 'women' but wives! The love you feel is a fantasy love and not a real one; therefore you speak in fantasy terms."

The men then said, "If you are not 'women,' still you are married women." But they replied, "In the early days of marriage we were married women; now, however, we are wives." (CL 199)

CL 200. (15) In a marriage of one man with one wife, in which there is a truly conjugial love between them, the wife becomes more and more a wife, and the husband more and more a husband. It may be seen above in nos. 177, 178, that truly conjugial love joins two partners more and more into one person. So, because a wife becomes a wife by union with her husband and according to that union, likewise a husband a husband by union with his wife and according to it, and because truly conjugial love lasts to eternity, it follows that a wife becomes more and more a wife, and a husband more and more a husband.

The fundamental reason for this is that in a marriage of truly conjugial love, each partner becomes more and more deeply human, for that love opens the deeper aspects of their minds, and as these are opened, a person becomes more and more human. To become more human is, on the part of a wife, to become more a wife; and on the part of a husband, to become more a husband.

I have heard from angels that a wife becomes more and more a wife as her husband becomes more and more a husband; however, not so much the reverse. The reason, they said, is that a chaste wife rarely if ever fails to love her husband, but what fails is her being loved by her husband in return. They also said that this failure is attributable to a lack of elevation in his wisdom, which alone receives the love of a wife. (Respecting this wisdom, see nos. 130, 163-165.) But this they said in reference to marriages on earth. (CL 200)

CL 201. (16) Their forms are also thus progressively perfected and ennobled from within. The human form is most perfect and most noble when by marriage two forms become one form, thus when the flesh of two becomes one flesh, in accordance with the story of their creation. The husband's mind is then elevated into a higher light, and the wife's mind into a higher warmth, and they then burgeon, blossom and bear fruit, like trees in springtime (as may be seen above in nos. 188, 189).

We will see in the discussion that follows next that the ennobling of this form results in the birth of noble fruits (CL 201)

11.4.0  Conjugial Love: The Jewel of Human Life

Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture:

CL 457. These two points have been proved as general principles and in detail in the whole of the first part on conjugial love and the delights of its wisdom. It is the jewel of human life, because a person's life is such as is the conjugial love he has, for this makes up the inmost level of his life. This is the life of wisdom living together with its love, or of love living together with its wisdom, so that it is the life of the delights of both. In short, it is that love which makes a person a living soul; and hence the principle of one man marrying one wife is called the jewel of human life.

[2] This is proved by the following points which were made above. With one wife truly conjugial friendship, trust and potency is possible, because it is a union of minds (333, 334). It is the place and origin of the celestial blessedness, the spiritual happiness and so the natural pleasures which have been provided from the beginning for those who enjoy truly conjugial love (335). It is the foundation of all celestial, spiritual and so natural loves, and on it are conferred all joys and delights from first to last (65-69). As regards its source, it is the sport of wisdom and love, as was fully proved in the Delights of Wisdom concerning Conjugial Love, which is the title of the first part of this book. (CL 457)

Conjugial love, the special love between husband and wife, is called in Divine Speech "the jewel of human life." It explains why. Conjugial love "makes up the inmost level of life." Human beings have an outward level of life called natural, and an inward level called spiritual. Our natural mind is somewhat similar to the natural mind of some mammalian species, even though its capacity for abstracting and computing far exceeds that of any animal. But a human being's inward level of life is in the spiritual mind, and this organ is not constructed of empirical experience in the natural world. For instance our conscience of right and wrong is not based on natural experience, and our knowledge of Sacred Scripture gives us access to ideas not based in physical time and place. For instance heaven and hell in eternity are not ideas that can come from experience in the physical world.

The natural mind and the spiritual mind are connected by correspondences (see Section xx). When something happens in the spiritual mind, there is an immediate reaction that takes place in the natural mind. So the event in our spiritual mind is called the cause, and the event in our natural mind is called the effect. For instance, when you are thinking up a plan to do something, the train of your thoughts can't just be random. Something keeps the thoughts running in a certain direction and using a certain logic with facts known to you. You do this spontaneously, not thinking about how you do it or what keeps the thoughts together to come up with a final plan. The cognitive and affective program that is in the background giving your thought sequences its rationality and power, are actually the spiritual event that causes the event in the natural mind to proceed, in this case, your thought sequences.

This is similar to how children learn to talk without knowing any grammar. How then do they figure out what things mean when they are abstract and you can't point to an object for it, like "God", "love" , "responsibility" , "being careful" , "next birthday" etc.? Again the cognitive and affective program running in the background to give us a comprehension of spiritual concepts, is the spiritual mind. This mind is constructed to be able to receive spiritual light and heat from the Spiritual Sun, which is in eternity, in the mind of every human being (see Section xx). In other words spiritual signals or substances emanate from the Spiritual Sun and are received by every spiritual mind simultaneously, that is, the human race.  This spiritual substance operates on the affective and cognitive organs in our spiritual mind. These unconscious spiritual operations then activate by correspondence the conscious operations in the natural mind, and this is how the sentences you are thinking in your plan are arranged in a rational order.

Now the passage above on conjugial love says that the highest form of operation in the spiritual mind is conjugial love. This operation is by direct influx of spiritual heat and light from the Spiritual Sun. The essence of spiritual light and heat is therefore the conjugial love between a husband and wife in their heaven. This is God's most characteristic Divine Human trait. Conjugial love originates in the mind of the Divine Human in the form of Divine Love or Good and Divine Truth or Wisdom. In the mind of the Divine Human love and wisdom, that is, good and truth, are united as one. This unity of good and truth in God is the origin of conjugial love streaming into the spiritual mind of every human being, and from there by correspondence, into the every natural mind, human and animal, and even plant. This love is the source of why humans, animals, plants, and organisms are activated by an inner endeavour or propensity to reproduce one's own kind.

In humans, conjugial love is the source of both love of the sex and love of one of the sex (see Section xx). Love of the sex is the desire and delight of having sex with many, or with whomever one wants to. But love of one of the sex is the desire and delight of having sex exclusively with the spouse. This is conjugial love in the spiritual level, while love of the sex is a natural form of conjugial love, at the natural level only. The union of good and truth in God is the correspondential force that creates the conjugial union between husband and wife.

From all this you can see that conjugial love is the indeed the precious jewel of human life. It says in the passage above that "a person's life is such as is the conjugial love he or she has, for this makes up the inmost level of their life." All other personality and character traits will depend on this chief love or force. How the husband treats his wife is therefore a reflection of the level of conjugial love in his mind. It is said above that conjugial love "is the life of wisdom living together with its love." The "life of wisdom" signifies the husband's understanding of spiritual truths from Sacred Scripture. "Its love" is the wife's reception of these same spiritual truths or wisdom. The inmost or highest form of wisdom or spiritual truths is called "its love" in the wife. In other words, a woman starts by being a virgin or unattached female. When she enters into the conjugial relationship with a man, she makes herself acquire all her husband's wisdom and spiritual truths (called his "intellectual wisdom" see below). Now these truths are elevated to a higher form in her mind. The wife's higher form of wisdom is able to receive conjugial love from God, while the husband's lower form of wisdom is not capable.

But he is capable of receiving it from the wife by learning to think like her, and especially to will like her, so that he never disagrees with her or acts solely from himself instead of from her (see later Sections below). Now this conjugial love in the husband inspired through the wife, elevates the husband's mind to a higher masculine intellectual wisdom, which the wife now transplants into her mind, where it is elevated still further. And in this way, the cycle of conjugial love between husband and wife elevates their life to unity and heavenly bliss in eternity.

Recapitulating what the passage says about the consequences of conjugial love:

With one wife truly conjugial friendship, trust and potency is possible, because it is a union of minds (333, 334). It is the place and origin of the celestial blessedness, the spiritual happiness and so the natural pleasures which have been provided from the beginning for those who enjoy truly conjugial love (335). It is the foundation of all celestial, spiritual and so natural loves, and on it are conferred all joys and delights from first to last (65-69). As regards its source, it is the sport of wisdom and love, as was fully proved in the Delights of Wisdom concerning Conjugial Love, which is the title of the first part of this book. (CL 457)

Conjugial love is the "union of minds" between a husband and a wife. This unity model of marriage (see Section xx) is the source of true and inmost friendship between husband and wife who stay to be sweethearts to one another forever. Marriage for them is not "until death do us part" but "until endless eternity." Mental intimacy between husband and wife is the union of their mind and it can never die or be separated from the two who exist as one. From this eternal mental intimacy and inmost friendship springs "spiritual happiness" which is the cause of the sensuous pleasures and delights married couples have with each other when united as one. All possible human joys and delights, "from first to last," are from this source. In other words, when mental intimacy is not present as inmost friendship between a man and a woman, the sensuous pleasures they have with each other is temporary and of a lower grade than those they have in conjugial love. That is the declaration of Sacred Scripture.

Sacred Scripture calls conjugial love "the sport of wisdom and love." As will be shown by anatomical diagrams later (see Section xx), the husband's mind is love on the inside covered over with wisdom on the outside,  while the woman's mind is the reciprocal of this, namely, wisdom on the inside covered over with love on the outside. This spiritual anatomy ensures maximum differentiation so that nothing in a man can be like anything in a woman from birth to eternity. This maximum differentiation insures the potential of total unity.

The forging of one mind out of two, one masculine and the other feminine, is attained by both partners being willing to reach for each other in total unity. This involves learning to love to be a conjoint self. A conjoint self has the affective of the husband (his inmost level) conjoined with the cognitive of the wife (her inmost level). This is the inward conjunction, and comes after their outward conjunction.

The outward conjunction is attained by the wife conjoining her outward will and understanding with the husband's outward will and understanding (called "moral wisdom"). The inward conjunction that follows next, is attained by the husband conjoining his inmost will and understanding with her inmost will and understanding. This two-phase process repeats itself cyclically, attaining higher and higher levels with each cycle.

For the husband to conjoin his inmost will and understanding with the wife, he has to acknowledge the Doctrine of the Wife as a Divine interaction mechanism that will allow him to be cooperative and successful in the conjoining process. The Doctrine of the Wife is a thinking register for husbands revealed by God in Sacred Scripture. Husbands who are willing to compel their cognitive and affective life to be in total harmony with their wife, are following the Doctrine of the Wife. They are thereby enlightened by God who supervises and directs this process in every detail, striving to influence the husband's affections and reasonings in the direction of surrender to his wife's superior wisdom of life. Men who reject this idea with aversion cannot form total unity with their wife here on earth. Swedenborg showed by much empirical observation that no one changes their basic character after resuscitation (see Section xx). Hence it is that the Doctrine of the Wife for husbands is a Divine ticket to the wife's heaven. This is not because God favors women over men! It's because it is the physiological method God created for total unity of a man and a woman. This total unity is called heaven in eternity (see Section xx).

11.4.1  The Surrendered Wife vs. the Surrendered Husband

The Doctrine of the Wife is a spiritual discipline for husbands. The wife has no actual power to control her husband. The main principle in the doctrine of the Wife is Rule 1:

RULE 1:
The first and only rule is that husbands are to learn to love acting from the wife, more than from self.

The initiative here is in the husband. It is his voluntary decision to learn a new thing: to learn to love acting from his wife more than from himself.

What happens when he does not take this initiative and actually opposes it ferociously? After all, this is the most common scenario with husbands: they oppose their own conjugial reformation, and by this, they oppose their wife’s desires and requests regarding his conduct and personality. If the wife then continues to take the initiative by wanting to influence him, the husband knocks her down, and the marriage eventually turns into a hell. Therefore, she should not take the initiative but should "surrender" with dignity to her situation as wife. This is the theme of a new movement among wives started by Laura Doyle through her book known as “The Surrendered Wife.” It's worth examining this marriage mentality as a contrast to that of the Doctrine of the Wife.

Here are excerpts from the Introduction of the book:

Why Would a Woman Surrender?

When I was newly married at 22, I had no idea I would ever call myself a surrendered wife. At that time, I would have been repulsed by the whole idea.    (…)

At first I treated him with respect and kindness because I was so impressed with him. Then, as his imperfections grew more familiar and glaring, I began correcting him as a way of trying to help him improve. From my point of view, if he would just be more ambitious at work, more romantic at home and clean up after himself, everything would be fine. I told him as much.

 Needless to say, he didn't respond well to this. In fact, the more I tried to control him, the more strained things got. While my intentions were good, I was clearly on the road to marital hell.  (…)

None of us feels good about ourselves when we're nagging, critical or controlling. I certainly didn't. The tone of my voice alone would make me cringe with self-recrimination. Through surrendering, you will find the courage to gradually stop indulging in these unpleasant behaviors and replace them with dignified ones.  (…)

There was no single moment when the surrendered light bulb went off in my head. Instead, I changed little by little. I experimented, first by keeping my mouth shut and sometimes even my eyes when John drove. When we arrived in one piece, I decided that I would always trust him behind the wheel, no matter how strong my urge to control.  (…)

We were intimate again. Instead of keeping a running list of complaints about how childish and irresponsible he was, I felt genuine gratitude and affection for John. We were sharing our responsibilities without blame or resentment. Instead of bickering all the time, we were laughing together, holding hands, dancing in the kitchen and enjoying an electrifying closeness that we hadn't had for years.  (…)

The basic principles of a surrendered wife are that she:

  • Relinquishes inappropriate control of her husband

  • Respects her husband's thinking

  • Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for him

  • Expresses what she wants without trying to control him

(…)  If you're a wife who feels overwhelmed, lonely and responsible for everything, this book is perfect for you. If you can admit that you frequently or sometimes control, nag, or criticize your husband, then it is up to you and you alone to take the actions described here to restore intimacy to your marriage and dignity and peace to yourself. … The point of my journey was to give up controlling behavior, and to look inward instead of outward.   (…)

  1. Do not surrender to a man who is physically abusive to you.

  2. Do not surrender to a man who is physically abusive to your children

  3. Do not surrender to a man who has an active addiction.

  4. Do not surrender to a man who is chronically unfaithful.

(…)  If your husband doesn't fall into one of the categories above, then you are married to one of the good guys. Not a perfect husband, but one who is capable of loving you and cherishing you one who has the potential to help you feel great about yourself and your marriage.  (…)

I know what I'm suggesting is difficult. I know it doesn't seem fair. It didn't seem fair to me that I had to work so hard to change while my husband continued to sit around watching television, but your husband will have to make big changes too. … He will have to listen to his own inner voice of conviction instead of relying on yours to tell him when he's not doing something right. He will need to use his own mind to figure out what's best for his family rather than reluctantly carrying out your subtle or not-so-subtle orders.

(Laura Doyle. “The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with a Man” 2001 on the Web at   www.surrenderedwife.com/chapterone.html  Accessed June 2002)

This new philosophy is being acclaimed by many wives whose marriage became more satisfactory when they stopped trying to “control” their husbands and learned to act like a “surrendered wife.” The lesson I see in this is that a man has more power to make his wife miserable than the other way round. The “surrendered” wife gives up two things. One is her participation in negative interactions that are used by the husband to create a hell for her. This is a good thing for her and for their relationship. The other thing she gives up is her participation in initiating his reformation. This is not a good thing.

The wife has an essential role to play in her husband reformation. He is dependent on his wife for undergoing his reformation successfully and only in special circumstances are some men able to do it on their own. The examples Laura Doyle gives about her “control” attempts include all the things that he should be listening to her, but refuses. It is his cold hearted refusal, his self-centered attitude, and his punishing reaction that turn her interventions into “nagging” and “controlling.” She is only courageously insisting that he change his bad behaviors that are irresponsible, abusive, rejecting, and non-cooperative. The wife’s motive is not “control.” This is a basic misunderstanding of the surrendered wife mentality. This notion wrongly assumes that what the wife is trying to do is to control her husband. This is a misconception that men have foisted on women so that the men won’t have to change.

Anytime a man thinks that his wife is “nagging” him or trying to “control” him, it is most likely not so. This may happen, but it is so rare with the vast majority of marriages that it would be a distraction to want to talk about that instead of the most common case, which is that husbands mentally abuse their wife by saying she is trying to control them like a mother controls a child. This is a male political justification philosophy designed to protect the men from having to change in accordance with their wife's requests and desires  The men's rigidified and self-protective attitude robs them from the one source of help they need for their character reformation. Without this they cannot be in a heaven in eternity (see section xx).

Wives are more honest and more skilled in relationships. They are given perception about what conduct in their husbands is injurious to their intimacy and love (see more below). In the quote above from The Surrendered Wife book, Laura Doyle says:

At first I treated him with respect and kindness because I was so impressed with him. Then, as his imperfections grew more familiar and glaring, I began correcting him as a way of trying to help him improve. From my point of view, if he would just be more ambitious at work, more romantic at home and clean up after himself, everything would be fine. I told him as much.

 Needless to say, he didn't respond well to this. In fact, the more I tried to control him, the more strained things got. While my intentions were good, I was clearly on the road to marital hell.  (…)

It is clear that she was being a good wife, not a bad one, as her husband and male defensive society were trying to make it out to be. She was being good and honest by trying to influence him so he may strengthen his character and become a better man, a true man who could be an angel. She wanted him to be more ambitious at work. This is a good thing, and a blessing for him if he would only allow it. She wanted him to be more romantic at home and clean up after himself. In other words, she wanted him to be sexy to her. If he would listen, he would be more sexy to her, and he would be a happier man on account of her sweetness. She told him all this, many times, and each time he slapped her down, abused her, turned their marriage into a hell.

A male dominated mentality would try to make it out like she was at fault, not him. He was just being him while she was being rejecting of him. This interpretation is actually a mean spirited manipulation and is injurious to the wife and to conjugial love, thus to all humanity. It is an idea due to ignorance and lack of understanding of the Divine process of conjunction called marriage.

The wife's motivation to help reform the husband's character ought to be honored by the husband. And when it is, he does not feel “nagged” or “controlled” but grateful for being helped along the way of spiritual reformation and regeneration. If the “surrendered wife” surrenders her role in his reformation, the external marriage may improve, as Doyle testifies, and others who have followed her. But the inner union is made impossible.

For that union to develop, the husband must willingly accept his wife’s role in changing him.

Therefore she cannot "surrender" to his self-condemnation but must continue, for his sake, her efforts to change his character and personality in the direction of mental conjunction, and consequently, heaven in eternity. The future is far more important to fight for than the present. The wife must not surrender, but the husband must if they are going to attain mental conjunction in eternity, along with its wonderful blessings and powers (see Section xx).

11.4.2  The Surrendered Husband is The Ideal Elevated Man

Men are unwilling to give up the male prerogatives or perks that society bestows upon them as a right and privilege for being a male man. I received the idea of male superiority from my childhood culture, when my parents expressed the philosophy that it was better to have boys than girls as offspring. Boys carry the name and the 'blood line'. Boys grow up to be men with power, fame, and riches. Girls were nice, but they were 'weak' and you had to spend more effort at keeping them 'unspoiled' so a man would 'want' them. This male blood line philosophy also held that having girls as children cost you "a lot of money" when you give them in marriage so you get financially ruined by too many of them.

By contrast, boys can protect you and take care of you. They admit also that Yes, boys are trouble sometimes, but you have to give them a lot of slack and they'll be fine -- says this attitude that grants more favors to men and status over women. As a result, I was instructed by my parents before marrying that I be sure to “train” my bride right from the start to be subservient to me. She has to learn to follow your word, and you must train her -- I was warned by my mother. A man must "wear the pants" in the family and make the decisions. I was told that my wife has to serve me, cook for me, wash my clothes, look after me properly, like I deserve -- said my mother. And, she would add, you have to let her know you’re expecting her to look fresh and nice for your, when you come home, anytime. She shouldn’t "let herself go." You have to demand respect from her. Keep her on a short leash. Then she’ll respect you as a man, love you, and she’ll be happy, and she’ll take care of your children too. These were my marital instructions from my parents. They reflected my parents' attitudes which they held in common with the others in their generation.

How shocking this attitude seems to me now, yet it still constitutes the factual reality of cultural gender arrogance in every nation on this earth.

But the truth has now been revealed in the Writings Sacred Scripture: The opposite of male superiority is actually the case! It is the feminine perception and the feminine intelligence and the feminine beauty that is superior relative to men, as is proven in what follows. Does this mean that it is the man who has to surrender to the wife—THE SURRENDERED HUSBAND? This would not be far from the truth, as long as you make sure to include the idea that the "surrendered husband" is another way of saying Rule 1 of the Doctrine of the Wife:

RULE 1:
The first and only rule is that husbands are to learn to love acting from the wife, more than from self.

This is what makes the difference between subjugation, servitude, and dominion. Only love can fend away these inherited enemies. Rule 1 does not say “Husbands must obey their wives.” Nor does it say “Husbands should listen to their wives.” It says: “Husbands are to love acting from the wife more than from self.”

If a husband behaves in a way that is pleasing to his wife, he is pleasing her, even if internally he feels emotional conflict and stress, even opposition to it. This is the first step of learning to live by Rule 1. It is the mental state of loving your wife more than loving yourself. This type of love is called celestial, and is the highest human love (see Section xx). If this love is elevated by the husband to the highest position in his hierarchy of loves, he will behave to please her because he wants to avoid displeasing her. This must be his motivation if he is going to succeed. Eventually he will no longer feel the inner conflict of rebellion when he is pleasing her. He will then act to please her, and love it. From then on he lives by Rule 1, the celestial life on earth. He is conjoined as one from within with his wife. Of the two, they make a one—the conjoint self (see Section xx). This includes the idea that when he expresses disagreement or ignores one of her requests and expectations, he will not allow himself to go along with his own disagreement. He will fight against himself so that he can give up what he wants for the sake of what she wants. Then he is regenerating, undergoing character reformation, and consequently, his mind is being prepared for heaven in eternity with his wife in unity.

The husband who acts this way is the “surrendered husband”—the elevated true man of creation, who loves the feminine sphere of his wife’s affections more than the masculine sphere of his own affections.

The “surrendered wife” is the man’s exploitation of the woman, as a result of which he fails to attain his true self, the self into whose perfection he was created. A man can reach his perfection when he puts himself in the state of an elevated husband, which is defined as a husband who is striving to love thinking and willing from his wife’s affections (or affective will), more than from his own. The man is then a celestial mind, conjoined to the wife from within (or interiorly). Her life is his life because affections are nothing else than life itself in human beings. He then acts from his wife within him. Note how different this is from acting from the wife from without, which is called female dominance, and is not a conjugial state either for the husband or the wife.

If a man acts from his wife from without, he is not a man but a zombie under the woman’s control and domination. She thereby becomes infernal (or hellish), and he as well, because subjugation to another is always voluntary. To agree to be dominated by another creates the zombie relationship. God guarantees freedom of choice moment by moment for every individual in the universe from birth to eternity. If a husband becomes a zombie to a hellish woman, he maintains himself in that state voluntarily, by his own falsifications of truth or reality. This is acting from the wife from without—she is standing there, with her hands on the hips, staring him down, putting the fear into him, and giving him orders to train him to be dominated by her. This is an infernal couple. It is a hell. But it’s altogether different when the husband acts from the wife from within.

The expression “to act from the wife from within” means that the husband is committed to loving her affections and appropriating them to himself as standards for how he should think and act. Now the wife’s affections are within him. Her life and will is now in his life and will. Now he acts from the wife’s affections from within. This kind of action is possible only from the husband's commitment and determination to love his wife's affections. And what is loved, one chooses freely and voluntarily, in freedom (see Section xx).

11.4.3  The Self-Entrapment of Male Intelligence

I agree on this with Laura Doyle and the many enthusiasts she seems to have among married women: It’s far better to be treated in a civilized way by one’s husband than in an abusive way.

What a relief these women feel when their man suddenly stops the heavy handed punishing treatments and abuses, verbal and physical, social and psychological. But he still holds a threat on top of his wife’s head, like the mythical sword of Damocles suspended by a hair, ready to fall on her head if she should step over a line that he defines.

This is an important external improvement in her life, like what the citizens experience when a dictator of a country passes away and is replaced by a democracy. Yes, being treated by the husband with due process of human rights is a start. In Laura Doyle's Surrendered Wife book, look what it takes for the husband to stop making a hell for his wife: Her surrender! He is now back with his independent male privileges and prerogatives! She is now treated a little better, but at what ultimate cost to the relationship?

The wife’s surrender in order to achieve a sort of peace, the semblance of romance, and his apparent respect of her, is similar to the psychology and politics of blackmail, family style (cf. "the intimate enemy" idea). The man says to his wife: “I will stop abusing you and neglecting you if you turn yourself into a surrendered wife.” And she has no choice but to accept, or else sees no end to the abuse he heaps on her. She has no recourse because the man she is tied to by external marriage bonds, has closed off the interior intimacy and relationship between them. Yet the interior marriage relationship is the wife’s life roots, the wellspring of her happiness and fullness of being. This is why she is married: To unite herself from within—feelings, thoughts, futures, eternity. She is the genuine married partner while he is the bogus husband, who does not treat her lovingly with friendship and sympathy, but torments her instead. She feels like a lamb chained to a wolf who at any moment he wishes, can pounce on her and annihilate her softness, her happiness, her peace, her lifeline.

The husband sees himself adjoined to her in the exterior physical and social domains. But the wife sees herself conjoined to his interior psychological and emotional self, his hopes and aspirations, his dreams and perfectionism, his intelligence and power of reasoning. In Sacred Scripture these are called his "intellectual wisdom." She loves all of these because they are his, and unites herself to them, which means that she takes his cognitive-affective operations within herself as she takes his semen into her birth canal. But the husband in contrast spews out his wife’s affections with repulsive force and walls himself off to be sure they don’t get to him. He will not appropriate them. His wife’s affections are his pet peeves, the bane of his marriage. It is on account of her affections that he denigrates her, calling his wife a nag, the moment her affections touch him. He acts like he wants to shake them off, like so many worms clinging to his body. He hates conjugial love because he is born with hell within him. Instead of conjugial love, he is in conjugial cold (see Section xx).

And the people in eternity who are in the hells of their mind hate nothing more fiercely and insanely than the idea of conjugial love, which includes the idea of children, of innocence, and the love of God from whom are these things.

Swedenborg reports that when infernal persons in the hells of their mind, are allowed to see a conjugial couple in the heavens of their mind, the infernals receive a whiff of the conjugial sphere, whereupon they fly into a maniacal frenzy in an attempt to tear apart and squash the couple. But as they approach nearer to the heavenly couple, the infernals are seized with such anxiety and terror, that they cast themselves back down into their hell.

Such is the husband’s inherited opposition to internal unity with his wife. Such an internal unity with the wife REQUIRES that he love her affections!

But he hates her affections and finds them obnoxious and unpleasant, grating and nagging on his nerves. This hatred of her affections is what his lower outward self expresses as abusive behavior, emotional coldness, uncaring, and independent. She desires to tie him to her, for this is the internal unity. He is revolted by the idea and makes him suffocate. He feels all the joy of his life squeezed out of him when her affections touch him. He then feels like he’s been burned and denigrated. He lashes out against this hated foe called his wife’s affections. And she wonders “Why? And how can he be such a beast, such a hypocrite, so self-destructive of his own elevated happiness, who he was created to be, whom I fell in love with? O, O Where is my true husband who has been hijacked by this rude and gross man pretending to be my husband. How long Divine-Human?”

So now that she is a surrendered wife she sees her inner striving for conjunction with him closed off. The door has shut!

How could it be otherwise? He still wants her to obey him! This is the death of the conjoint couple, the celestial ideal creation that makes up one celestial angel. As long as the husband wants his wife to obey him, the interior door is shut tight. She is excluded in an absolute way. It feels to her like death. Now it’s her husband and God, forming an alliance against her. She is the third person. First comes himself. Then comes his God. Then comes her. This is the hierarchy in his mind, the idol he worships, or claims to, for convenience and perks. By the wife “obeying him,” he means that he wants her to act against her own wishes, her own best sense of what their relationship needs! She is the expert who can see the relationship in a rational way since conjugial love imparts the perception to the wife (xx). Her inner desire for conjugial love is the source of her perception form the Divine-Human. The Divine-Human gives her conjugial love, and then he can have it to the extent that he loves her affections (xx). When he doesn’t love her affections, she is powerless like a fish before a steamboat, or like a tomato on the road before a truck.

She feels disjointed, rejected, abandoned for the sake of an external politically motivated physical and social intimacy, but not a spiritual intimacy. What she craves for is a spiritual unity, which means that he loves her affections, appropriates them as his own, then acts from her, now within him. It’s a process that continues and repeats itself endlessly so that she is in the fullness of perfection of her being as a woman. A woman and a man are created reciprocals, in general and in every particular so that they may be united into one conjoint self.

Consider the wife who got into an accident on her way over to visiting her husband in the hospital, where he was waiting for a suitable donor to replace his worn out heart. The take her to emergency and before she dies she wills her heart to her husband. They perform the heart transplant and now he sits at home thinking about her. He lives because her heart is in him.

This story is parallel to the conjugial union which is established when a man adopts the Doctrine of the Wife and Rule 1 as a regeneration discipline. The wife dying represents his hatred for her affections. The wife’s heart that is now transplanted in him, represents her affections within him, because he now loves them. That she is no longer around physically because she has died, represents that she has resurrected in his mind as the conjugial wife. Since this is a spiritual unity, it doesn’t appear in the outside natural appearances.

Perhaps it is necessary for a woman to become a “surrendered wife” for awhile, as a phase in the marriage relationship. This may be imposed on her by the husband’s relationship blackmail mentioned above. But if there is going to be a heavenly marriage with these two, the man must become a “surrendered husband” as discussed above, since this is the state of perfection into which a man is created. This is his “elevated state.” This is the second phase, when the marriage turns into an inner unity between the willing and thinking of the man and the willing and thinking of the woman.

It has been revealed that a woman’s intelligence, wisdom, compassion, and grace is more abundant and inspired than a man’s (xx). A woman’s intelligence is celestial or the highest and inmost of human possibility (xx). A man’s intelligence is spiritual, which is a discrete degree below that of the celestial. A woman’s intelligence can therefore be compared to the noonday sun in the summer, while a man’s intelligence is like the light of the moon on a bright night (xx).

Since this is the created reality, it is rational and spiritual for man to love to act from his wife more than he loves to act from himself.

This means that the highest wisdom and intelligence of a man is that which he acquires for himself from his wife’s affections which he has taken up within himself.

Affections always determine the quality of wisdom and intelligence:

Such as the love is, such is the wisdom, consequently such is the man. (DLW 362)

The affections in the will are called “love.” The unregenerate husband acquires all his wisdom and intelligence from his own affections. This intelligence opposes itself to the intelligence of his wife, which she acquired from her affections. In other words he loves himself and is sealed and isolated in himself. There is no entry point. His wife receives from the Divine-Human conjugial love in her affections (xx). Her affections regarding him and the marriage are therefore heavenly. She now has to wait. At some unpredictable point he will decide to stop opposing and hating her heavenly affections. He undergoes reformation by means of the Letter of the Writings which he applies to his mind, bringing order out of disorder. Now he officially acknowledges to her that he is struggling to learn to love her affections so that he could act from her, rather than from himself. His Doctrine now confirms this process and he is officially ready to participate, to submit, to die, for the sake of being reborn an angel man.

He begins regeneration. He fights against his nature. He has to simulate friendship and enthusiasm as he painfully makes himself swallow her affections, like bitter medicine. As he persists in this struggle, the Divine-Human enlightens him. He builds Spiritual Doctrine for himself whose power is so great that he sees himself a new creation. He loves to love his wife’s affections! He has been healed. He is now the elevated husband in training. He is happy. She is ecstatic. Soon they are both ecstatic. Ecstasy becomes the bliss of their life here on earth. They are forerunners of the new human race. The Alpha Couple. The angels are in bliss for they actively participate in this awesome makeover. Angels love nothing more than to assist in the birthing of conjugial love in a couple on earth (xx).

Now the new husband would not be able to support displeasing his wife, an idea that devastates him as if all his happiness were suddenly gone. He would always act from her affections, which means from her perceptions and perspectives, not his own. In this way he can be conjoined to her form within and be happy and wise to eternity.

But if the wife surrenders to him, he is once again entrapped in his own male intelligence and externality. It’s as if God had not created Eve as an help mate to Adam.

The husband cannot save himself and he cannot be saved by his wife, as intended by the Divine-Human.

The future of this man is sorry and miserable. This fate is not something she contributed to. He is the one who forced her into the subservient status of a “surrendered wife.” He forced her by systematically wearing her down over years of strenuous effort. He made her feel scared, made her doubt herself, threatened her, ignored her, did not value her judgment or opinion. So she had no choice but to give up her most central role and task in life: To unite herself to her husband and thus to make him happy and alive from herself, from what she has in herself from the Divine-Human. This is how the Divine-Human intended it from the beginning and this is what the Divine-Human once again will re-create, as conjugial love is to return to this earth through the Heavenly Doctrines (CL 130).

When the man acts from his wife’s affections which he has internalized (Rule 1), her life is in him like the organ transplant the husband received of his wife’s heart. Her life is within him because her life is nothing else than her affections (xx). His intelligence is now reformed by the new affections in his will. Her higher affections, which are from love and good, shape his new intelligence which are from truth and faith. He receives truth from the Divine-Human as before, but the truth he now receives is far more interior and higher than before because he now has his wife’s affections in the will, and these celestial affections conjoin themselves with a more interior truth form the Divine-Human.

The more the man loves his wife’s affections, the more he has got the celestial love within him, and the more interiorly he can receive Divine Truth from the Divine-Human. When he has only his own affections in his will, the man also receives Divine Truth, but in a more external way. The Divine-Human longs to be conjoined with the man more and more interiorly, as He is already conjoined to the woman through conjugial love.

Recall again that “surrendered husband” doesn’t mean that she must now do the finances, the military service, and the paycheck! Equity is not what it refers to (see Chapter 9 Section 5). Rather, to be a surrendered husband means that he prefers to act from her more than from himself. If she says, “Honey, would you explain to me our finances?” he then strives to satisfy her. He explains as much as she wants to know and tries to respond to her inner emotions and intentions so she can feel that he is with her and for her. That’s what she wants, that’s what the surrendered husband gives. Or, if she says, “Honey, I think we should do x, not y” he then strives to value this request, to honor it, so that she feels that he cares and he likes her. If she says to him,

  • Do this. Don’t do that.

  • Do it this way. Don’t do it that way.

  • Start now. Stop now.

  • Keep up with me.

  • Lower your voice. Stop frowning.

  • And other things like these,

and he doesn’t do any of these things, what will happen?

What will happen to her conjugial? She will be feeling a process of breaking off, a growing incapacity to feel conjoined to him from within. This is because he refuses to meet with her in the interior mind. That’s where they are united, each giving something and living by what the other has. He—the cognitive reception from heaven by means of her celestial affections which he has internalized as-if his own. These are the interior truths that her conjugial love craves from within to unite with. Her inmost being or consciousness wants to unite to this Divine truth he receives from the Divine-Human by means of her affections in him.

This is the achieving of the conjoint self (see Section xx)

11.4.4  The Spiritual Physiology of Marriage

Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture concerning the general principles of conjugial love in marriage:

CL 156. (...) The subject matter before us here, which is the conjunction of two married partners into one flesh by a union of their souls and minds. This union, however, will be made clear according to the following outline:

(1) Each sex has implanted in it from creation a capacity and inclination that gives them the ability and the will to be joined together as though into one.

(2) Conjugial love joins two souls and thus two minds into one.

(3) A wife's will unites itself with her husband's understanding, and the husband's understanding in consequence unites itself with his wife's will.

(4) A desire to unite her husband to her is constant and continual in a wife, but inconstant and intermittent in a husband.

(5) A wife inspires the union in her husband according to her love, and a husband receives it according to his wisdom.

(6) This union takes place gradually from the first days of marriage, and in people who are in a state of truly conjugial love, it becomes deeper and deeper to eternity.

(7) A wife's union with her husband's intellectual wisdom takes place inwardly, but with his moral wisdom outwardly.

(8) In order that this union may be achieved, a wife is given a perception of her husband's affections, and also the highest prudence in knowing how to moderate them.

(9) Wives keep this perception in them hidden and conceal it from their husbands for reasons that are necessary in building conjugial love, friendship and trust, so that they may have bliss in living together and happiness of life.

(10) This perception is a wisdom that the wife has. A man is not capable of it, neither is a wife capable of her husband's intellectual wisdom.

(11) A wife from her love continually thinks about her husband's disposition towards her, with a view to joining him to her. This is not true of a husband.

(12) A wife joins herself to her husband by appeals to his will's desires.

(13) A wife is joined to her husband by the atmosphere of her life emanating from her love.

(14) A wife is joined to her husband by her assimilation of the powers of his manhood, though this depends on the spiritual love they have for each other.

(15) A wife thus receives into herself an image of her husband, and from it perceives, sees and feels his affections.

(16) A husband has duties appropriate to him, and a wife duties appropriate to her, and a wife cannot enter into duties appropriate to her husband or a husband into duties appropriate to his wife and perform them properly.

(17) These duties also join the two into one, and at the same time make a single household, depending on the assistance they render each other.

(18) According as the aforementioned conjunctions are formed, married partners become more and more one person.

(19) Partners who are in a state of truly conjugial love feel themselves to be a united person and as though one flesh.

(20) Truly conjugial love regarded in itself is a union of souls, a conjunction of minds, an effort to conjunction in breasts, and a consequent effort to conjunction in body.

(21) The states produced by this love are innocence, peace, tranquility, inmost friendship, complete trust, and a mutual desire in mind and heart to do the other every good; also, as a result of all these, bliss, felicity, delight, pleasure, and, owing to an eternal enjoyment of states like this, the happiness of heaven.

(22) These blessings are not at all possible except in a marriage of one man with one wife.

Explanation of these statements now follows. (CL 156)

These 22 principles constitute a summary of the spiritual physiology of marriage. The impulse or "inclination" to get married is "implanted in each sex from creation" (1). When a man and a woman are married in conjugial love, their "two minds are joined into one" (2). In the first stage of the marriage, the wife unites herself with her husband outwardly, by loving his ideas, his humor, and his way of thinking; then, in the second stage of marriage, the husband unites himself with his wife inwardly, by uniting his understanding with her will (3). This means that she loves his understanding and he loves her will. She thinks what he thinks (external stage), and he wills what she wills (internal stage). The wife's desire to unite to the husband is "constant" while the husband's desire for unity of minds is "inconstant and intermittent" (4).

For instance, when a wife argues with her husband it is in order to influence him to give up his independence and be united to her will. But when a husband argues with his wife it is in order to refuse to act according to her will, insisting he wants to follow his own will. In these states of disagreement, she strives to conjoin him to her, and he strives to prevent her from succeeding. Thus they are in opposition. He is in conjugial cold, while the wife is in conjugial heat. Her conjugial love is always turned on and hot for conjunction, while his conjugial love is sometimes hot, sometimes cold. When it is hot, he faces her with a pleasing face and countenance; when it is cold, he turns his back on her.

The wife's conjugial heat "inspires the union in her husband" and the husband receives this conjugial heat in proportion to "his wisdom" (5). The husband's wisdom is proportional to his "love of being wise" and this love comes into his mind by direct influx from God (see Section xx). A husband becomes wise from God through his study of doctrine in Sacred Scripture (see Section xx). This doctrine of truth from Sacred Scripture is his wisdom. This doctrine commands him to conjoin himself to his wife's will. This he does therefore to the extent of his love of being wise from doctrine. The unity of conjugial love in marriage grows deeper from the first day of marriage to endless eternity in heaven (6).

The husband's mind contains an outward wisdom called "moral wisdom," and an inward wisdom called "intellectual wisdom."  The wife unites herself to her husband both outwardly and inwardly (7). The husband's moral wisdom is expressed in his outward personality and life style, also called "the descending line" in "the circle of life" -- see Section xx). His intellectual wisdom is expressed in his inward principles, beliefs, interests, and knowledges.

The wife "is given a perception of her husband's affections" and the "highest prudence in knowing how to moderate them" (8). In other words, God empowers the wife to perceive her husband's feelings and emotions, and gives her the skill to manage them for the sake of achieving unity. Since her inclination to unity is constant, she is given special powers of perception about the relationship which the husband is not given. For unity to occur, he must therefore reciprocate (stage 2) by acting from her will instead of his own will. This must be a voluntary choice on his part since, though she can argue with him, she cannot make him to anything he doesn't want to. He must therefore learn to compel himself to neutralize his own will, and conjoin his understanding to her will. Then he acts from her will through his understanding. This causes them to be conjoined into one mind.

They are conjoined into one mind to the extent that the husband wills himself to act from the wife's will. This makes sense because he does not have the same powers of perception regarding his own affections as she does, as explained above. But she hides her superior insights into his character because he would turn cold towards her if he knew this (9). But later, when the husband unites himself to her will, she can reveal to him her special insights about the inner dynamics of his character and loves. Her wisdom about the relationship and about him is superior to his wisdom about himself and about the dynamics of the marriage union. He "is not capable of it" (10). Neither is she capable of attaining to his intellectual wisdom. The wife has her special feminine wisdom and the husband has his special masculine wisdom. His masculine wisdom is not capable of perceiving her feminine wisdom, and vice versa. Therefore each spouse must rely on the other's wisdom, but a different aspect of their wisdom.

The wife relies on the husband's masculine intellectual wisdom which he has from his love of being wise, and the husband relies on the wife's feminine conjugial wisdom (or perception) which she has from her conjugial love. The husband conjoins himself to his wife's conjugial wisdom or perception by never disagreeing with her (see Section xx). When the husband disagrees with his wife he is turning his back on her and is unwilling to conjoin himself to her will. He refuses and turns her down. He gets angry and walks out. He argues and intimidates her into giving in. Thus he follows his own will, not hers, and consequently he stays outside the wife's conjugial sphere. The marriage remains an external one (see Section xx). The wife constantly thinks about "her husband's disposition towards her," striving to influence him to receive her conjugial heat, so that they may thereby be conjoined mentally and intimately (11). But the husband resists this process, refusing to make her will and her perception more important in his mind than his will and his perception.

The wife tries to make herself attractive to "his will's desires" by doing what he likes (12). Her conjugial heat emanates from her as a spiritual sphere or cloud, immersing the husband's mind in her conjugial love (13). She conjoins herself to him by "assimilating the powers of his manhood" (14), being the consummation of his satisfactions, delights, and pleasures. By these dynamical procedures carried out by the wife on a daily basis, she "receives into herself an image of her husband, and from it perceives, sees and feels his affections" (15). The role of the husband and the wife are completely different therefore, and each is incapable of carrying out the other's role in the same way (16).

The wife can carry out masculine duties involved in jobs and careers, and the husband can carry out feminine duties domestically, but the manner of carrying them out differs fundamentally when these are done by a woman or by a man. A woman scientist, physician, soldier, or prime minister carries out her job activities differently than a man occupying those roles. They may achieve similar competency and success, but this is only an outward index. When the inward mental activities are examined, they will be found to be radically different for men and women in these job situations. The wife and the husband are dependent on each other to carry out their roles, but the dependence of each on the other is radically different. This mutual dependence on reciprocally contrastive procedures, unites them into one (17). The more they each rely on the other's wisdom, the more they "become one person" (18) and "feel themselves to be united as though one flesh" (19).

The conjugial union has its source in the mind, and from there a desire for conjunction is felt in the body (20). Nowadays this sequence tends to be reversed, so that couples meet and are physically intimate, and then sometime later, may or may not experience the desire for mental conjunction and intimacy (see Section xx). The proper or built-in order is for a man and a woman to meet, to feel mentally attracted to each other (which is , to declare themselves to each other in an exclusive relationship, and to consummate the mental intimacy by physical intimacy. The resulting mental states they enjoy are described as "innocence, peace, tranquility, inmost friendship, complete trust, and a mutual desire in mind and heart to do the other every good" (21). This is called the "happiness of heaven" and includes "bliss, felicity, delight, pleasure, and, eternal enjoyment." These blessings are possible only "in a marriage of one man with one wife" (22).

11.4.5  Conjunction Dynamics in Marriage

One expression of men’s distaste of the feminine sphere is the grouping of the people at family gatherings. The men group together and bask in the masculine sphere of each other. Their wives are forced therefore to group with each other. They rather be together with their husbands, but when they try, the husbands abuse them. So the only peace the women can find is in each other’s sphere. This changes completely when a husband is surrendered to his elevated creation, which is that he act from his wife’s affections within him. When he does this, his intelligence tells him that his wife wants to be together with him. He is entertained by her feminine sphere far more than he cares for the masculine sphere. The feminine sphere of his wife is now his life. This is because her life is in her affections, and when he appropriate her affections to himself, her life is now within him. Now he is a complete man, a true human, a celestial mind, a conjugial husband.

The reason husbands hate the affectional sphere of women is that it breathes out conjugial unity, spiritual conjoining in willing and thinking. The man feels this as a process of being shackled or restricted. He feels that the woman wants to encroach on his territory of independence and freedom. He experiences the mother, the sister, the girlfriend, or the wife as constant nagging to do this or to do that, to be this way or that way, never to be who you really feel like being. So men prefer the permissive company of other men who respect the brotherhood rule of not trying to pressure or coerce one another.

The woman’s sphere of affections is animated and domestic, because it is celestial. Domestic uses are celestial while forensic uses such as business, science, and politics, are spiritual and natural uses. The reason domestic uses are higher is because they have to do with the home, with conjugial love, and with raising children. These are celestial uses because the purpose of the earths in the universe is to be a seminary for a heaven out of the human race (xx). Domestic uses are therefore higher. Women are in charge of domestic uses because the affections of women is celestial by birth, while the affections of men is spiritual by birth. Celestial uses are far more elevated and human than spiritual uses.

A man can transcend his lower creation by conjoining with a wife who is created into a higher creation. This is the meaning of the surrendered husband. He is surrendering the masculine idea that his essence is masculine.

For in fact the Divine-Human has revealed the physiology of the masculine and feminine. The man as a whole, and in his every part and particle, is love in his inmost, and this love is covered over with truth, which forms his exterior. The reciprocal is the case for what women are made of. Woman as a whole, and in her every part and particle, is truth in her inmost, and this truth is covered over with love, which forms her exterior.

You can picture this to yourself as a diagram:

What an amazing scientific revelation! How beneficial it would be for society if this revelation were understood rationally. Since man and woman are reciprocals of each other in general they must also be in particular, which means not a single thing in a woman can be like a thing in a man, and vice versa. (xx)

This can be understood rationally if you think of marriage in a physiological sense, which it is. Marriage is something sanctified and Divine since it is the vehicle of the seminary for heaven, and this is the highest purpose or use for creation. Unity is the conjoint operation of two things together so that the result is a new conjoint object that is superior to the composing parts. Man as an individual and woman as an individual are not human units, but only potential human units. A human unit is the conjugial pair that from a distance is seen as one angel (xx). The closest maximum unity is achieved between two distinct individuals. Since not one thing in a man overlaps with one thing in a woman, they remain most distinct. Therefore, when they unite, their unity will be more perfect (xx).

Conjugial unity is so perfect that it demands that not a single thing in a man can be like a single thing in a woman. An exception would reduce the perfection.

This applies to the body and the mind. Not a single fiber in a man can be like a fiber in a woman. Not a single thought a man has can be like any thought a woman has. Not a single affection a man has can be like an affection a woman has.

You can see the perfection of conjugial love when you consider from the Writings, what happens when a man meets a woman and they fall in love and get married. The woman takes within herself the man’s thinking style and reasoning process. This is the same way as she takes his seed through her birth canal and gives it life in her womb. That child born of her represents the husband’s intelligence in the wife. She is now no longer an individual woman but a married woman, which means that she has within her, his seed, his intelligence, his ideas, his manner of thinking. She has a replica of her husband’s mind within herself so that she always know what he is thinking!

Now it’s the man’s turn. His job is to take his wife’s affections within himself just as she took his cognitions within herself. As a conjoint self, the couple has become just one. She acts from his thinking within her and he acts from her affections within him.

Thus they form a superior human being called the celestial mind or conjugial couple. This is the plan of creation, now revealed!

Consider the second diagram of the spiritual physiology of marriage:

The marriage on earth of a regenerating couple is called Phase 1, while their marriage once they get to heaven, is called Phase 2. Conjunction in Phase 1 is external, also called spiritual. Internal conjunction in Phase 2 is celestial. In the external conjunction while regenerating on earth, the husband’s intelligence (“truth, wisdom) is conjoined to the wife’s affections (“love, good”). The wife’s affections are within him as a result of loving them more than his own affections. This gives the surrendered husband a new will from the wife. And it gives the conjugial wife a new understanding from the husband. In this mode they grow more and more into a spiritual unity while on earth. After they are reunited in heaven, they begin the conjunction of Phase 2. Now they are both interior people having cast off whatever was not part of their love and affections. The external truth and wisdom of the husband, are gone. The external love and good of the wife, are gone. What remains in the spirit-body of the angel couple is the interior—his celestial love and her celestial truth. As these unite, they become one angel more and more to eternity (xx).

Unity is only possible between truth and good, which is the same thing as saying, between wisdom and love (xx). This unity is called “the marriage of good and truth” (xx). For the celestial couple, the husband is the good and the wife is the truth (xx). Their conjugial unity is the result of the universal unity between good and truth in the Divine-Human. Marriage is holy because it is an image of the marriage of good and truth in the Divine-Human (xx). Marriage on earth is holy only when the husband’s truth unites with the wife’s love, which is nothing else than her affections. In other words, when the husband loves to act from her affections more than from his own.

The surrendered husband loves to meet his wife’s requests because that’s how he reciprocates in conjoining himself with her, as she is conjoining herself with him. The man who rebels and hates the feminine sphere perceives her wishes and instructions as demands, as nagging, as taking away his freedom, as going too far, as power hungry, as misguided, etc. I have felt all these feelings and they are general to men, because biological and cultural.

A Christian, because he knows the Divine-Human, has the Word, and since the Divine-Human places the church in him through its means, it is obvious that he is more able than the non-Christian to be reborn, so becoming spiritual, and to achieve truly conjugial love, since these go together. (CL 339) 

A husband is a form of truth, and his wife a form of good, and that good cannot love any other truth than its own truth, nor can truth love any other good in return than its own good.  If it were to love another, the inner marriage that forms the church would die, and the marriage would become merely external - the kind of marriage that idolatry corresponds to, not the church. (CL 76)

Here it is revealed how the “inner marriage” or internal unity, can be achieved. The husband loves his wife as his own good attached to his truth. Not his own good attached to his own truth—for this is the life of an unregenerate single man, or an unregenerate married man who avoids internal unity with his wife. To take his wife’s good as his own means to love to act from what is in her will more than what is in his own will. This is Rule 1 as discussed throughout this chapter.

[3] Take as another example conjugial love. The good which comes first and is introductory is good looks, or good manners, or outward compatibility, or similarity of social class, or aspiration. These forms of good are the first intermediate ones of conjugial love.

After this comes the joining together of minds (animus) in which one wills as the other does and finds delight in doing that which is pleasing to the other. This is the second state, and although those initial forms of good are still present they are no longer kept in view.

Finally there follows a uniting involving celestial good and spiritual truth. That is to say, one believes as the other believes, and one is moved by an affection for good as the other is moved. When this state is reached both together experience the heavenly marriage, which is a marriage of good and truth, and so experience conjugial love since conjugial love is nothing else.

At the same time the Divine-Human is flowing into the affections of them both as into a single affection. This is a good which flows in down a direct line, whereas the previous kind of good which had flowed in down an indirect line had served as the means of introduction to this good. (AC 4145)

Note the statement: “At the same time the Divine-Human is flowing into the affections of them both as into a single affection.” The expression “into the affections of them both as into a single affection” refers to what might be called the conjoint self.

Why must the husband surrender to his wife before he can achieve the conjoint self? Because:

  • He hates giving up his prerogatives and superiority status

  • He loves to have dominion over her

  • He has justified his superiority by philosophy or religion

  • He doesn’t trust women’s abilities

  • He hates the sphere of conjugial love she has within her

  • He ridicules or gets enraged at the idea he should act from her will

  • He justifies the falsity in his mind that it should be a kind of equity arrangement—he has his roles and his places assigned by society and religion, and she has hers.

What about the idea that the wife often doesn’t know as much as he does about many things, and so it wouldn’t be prudent or rational to let her make the decisions instead of him.

You will see that this is not a real danger, only an imagined one. It’s a doubt about women being able to be reasonable and practical. It’s the generalized gender bias that men have about women from inheritance and from culture. This biased reasoning says, How can you trust women to make the right decisions about so many things where men are used to making the decisions—etc. These are the doubts that come from not valuing women. The external philosophy of equity that men try to impose on women is nothing but a ploy. And unless men awake from this subconscious acquiescence, they will be men no longer, for the unregenerate man turns into a sub-human worse than any beast (TCR 564). Man’s salvation is regeneration of character, for which the wife is a Divinely appointed and essential instrument. This has been justified by many quotations from the Writings in Section 1 above.

Many intelligent men will admit to this: that the wife is essential in their life. And yet they do not ordinarily mean essential for their inner life, but essential for their outer life. By their outer life they mean their intellectual and economic power and their achievements and awards, including successful children. Many men admit that without their woman they would not have achieved what they did. And also, that they could not be content in life without being in love with this woman. These are noble legends. He may have convinced himself easily enough that he believes them sincerely. If indeed it had been the truth, his woman would have been in the fullness of her being, conjoint to him from within. But instead, she has been offered a fake marriage life, one that has the trappings of external propriety, success, and happiness, but not the real life and animation that is supposed to be within these outward achievements and enactments.

The outward married life remains an enactment until it grows a spiritual reality within. This is the spiritual union held together by each being the other’s all in all in their willing and thinking. Can she achieve this without his reciprocation? No, not in the least, for spiritual love requires reciprocation to become alive and real.

He is satisfied with the outer success, but she languishes from within. He is content to wait and let time pass, endless years and decades to her, waiting for her real man to enter her.

And so what is to be done?

The surrendered husband is a practical proposal. It is just another way of saying the Doctrine of the Wife, which is discussed at length in the preceding section. Women are intelligent and wise from within from heaven from the Divine-Human. They will not do anything that is contrary to conjugial love. This is their highest love and all other loves are placed below and subdued under its command and absolute rule. This is woman’s wisdom: the certitude they feel from within as to whether something is this way or that way in relation to her husband. This is a Divine perception women receive from the Divine-Human regarding their husband (CL 166). It is a perception of seeing the husband’s spiritual mind and content, his inner affections, loves, and reasoning through them. She knows this thoroughly, fully. More than he ever will—until he knows it from her, when he is united to her.

The wife will know when to make a decision, and when to let him make it. She would never override him except for one reason: she can see the danger he cannot see. So it makes total sense that he should listen to her and really believe from within that she has this perception from the Divine-Human. This is the religion of the New Church mind for it is conjugial love, and this union between husband and wife is the purpose and basis of the universe and of heaven (HH 382).

But, but what if she makes mistakes? What if she is uneducated? What if she’s got weaknesses, blindnesses, even neuroses and addictions? The answer is: And what if he has these things? Husbands make many many mistakes, do they not? Is there somebody there to remove him from the office of decision maker and over rider of her opinions when events prove her to have been right and he to have been wrong? No of course not. He makes mistakes as he goes along and the family lives with it. The point is that if he’s willing to live with the consequences of her mistakes she will gradually improve and be at least as good as he used to be—with his help. This is the point. Perhaps he needs to educate her views when ignorant, just as she does that for him. After all, he is free to do as he wants at any time whatsoever. His acting from her will is purely voluntary. He has the exercise that power at any time. Again the point is this: is he after dominion over her or after internal union? This he must answer for himself moment by moment.

It makes sense to think that the Divine-Human is managing this process as closely as any other in the universe. The Divine-Human longs for the husband to want to be united to the wife. The Divine-Human calls the two together, “One flesh,” and “His Church.” (CL 178) The husband-wife conjoint self makes the one angel that is the Church to which the Divine-Human is married. (CL 62). Not the husband by himself, ever, even if he comes to the gates of heaven in Aaron’s robes. The only admittance to heaven for a male man is as a conjugial husband (CL 50). The only.

And so is this not the most important work a man has—to prepare his mind to be a conjugial husband? Which is why a religious discipline is needed, as discussed throughout this chapter.

11.4.5.1  Conjugial Simulations -- Not Fake but Necessity  

Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture:


CL 271. THE CAUSES OF APPARENT LOVE FRIENDSHIP, AND FAVOR IN MARRIAGES

Since the causes of cold and separation have been treated of, it follows in order, that the causes of apparent love, friendship, and favor in marriages should also be treated of; for it is well known that, although at this day cold separates the minds of married partners, they yet dwell together and procreate; and this would not be the case were there not apparent loves which, at alternate times, are similar to the heat of genuine love or emulate it. That these appearances are necessities and utilities, and that without them homes and hence societies could not hold together, will be seen in what follows.

Besides this, some conscientious persons labor under the idea that disagreements of minds between them and their partner, and the consequent internal alienations, are their own fault and will be imputed to them; and because of this they grieve at heart. But since it is not in their power to relieve internal dissidences, it is enough for them to still the troubles which arise from conscience by apparent loves and favors. Moreover, in this way there can be a return of a friendship, within which, on the one side if not on the other, lies conjugial love.

But because of the great variety of material, this chapter, like the preceding, shall be divided into articles. The articles are the following:

I. That in the natural world almost all can be conjoined as to external affections, but not as to internal if these are dissident and come to view.

II. That in the spiritual world all are conjoined according to internal affections, but not according to external unless these act as one with the internal.

III. That it is external affections according to which matrimonies are commonly contracted in the world.

IV. But that if internal affections which conjoin minds are not within them, matrimonies are dissolved in the home.

V. That nevertheless, in the world, matrimonies are to continue to the end of life.

VI. That in matrimonies wherein internal affections do not conjoin, there are external affections which simulate the internal and consociate.

VII. That thence is apparent love between married partners, or apparent friendship and favor.

VIII. That these appearances are conjugial simulations which are praiseworthy because useful and necessary.

IX. That with a spiritual man conjoined to a natural, these conjugial simulations savor of justice and judgment.

X. That with natural men these conjugial simulations savor of prudence for the sake of various causes.

XI. That they are for the sake of amendments and for the sake of accommodations.

XII. That they are for the sake of preserving order in domestic affairs, and for the sake of mutual aid.

XIII. That they are for the sake of the care of the infants, and of concordance in relation to the children.

XIV. That they are for the sake of peace in the home.

XV. That they are for the sake of reputation outside the home.

XVI. That they are for the sake of various favors expected from the partner or from the partner's kindred; thus because of the fear of losing them.

XVII. That they are for the sake of the excusing of blemishes and the avoiding of ill-repute therefrom.

XVIII. That they are for the sake of reconciliations.

XIX. That when the partners grow old, if favor does not cease with the wife when ability ceases with the man, there may arise a friendship emulous of conjugial friendship.

XX. That there are various kinds of apparent love and friendship between married partners, of whom the one is subjugated and hence is subject to the other.

XXI. That in the world there are infernal marriages between partners who inwardly are bitter enemies and outwardly like close friends.

Now follows the explanation of the above. (CL 271)

See also: The Commandment Of Conjugial Simulation
        http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/v3ch2-nonduality.html#_Toc22705832

11.4.6  Her Heaven, Not His

The natural world tends to be male dominated, but not because of men’s superior intelligence to women. It is a “man’s world” because the unregenerate natural mind operates by the corporeal principle of “might makes right.” The feeling from which this idea issues is at the level of animals and men’s affections are at the animal level of operation in the unregenerate state. But when they begin to be regenerated their internal mind is opened and receives feminine intelligence through his wife from the Divine-Human. This softening and humanizing of the man shows that man on his own is only a half-man. Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture:

CL 37. And when they become one, then taken together they are man in his fullest sense. But without that conjunction they are two, and each is like a person divided or half a person. (CL 37)

(For more on the spiritual psychobiology of gender see Reading List Part 1

Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture:

CL 171. (13) A wife is joined to her husband by the atmosphere of her life emanating from her love. From every person there emanates, indeed pours, a spiritual atmosphere from the affections of his love, and this atmosphere surrounds him. It also enters into the natural atmosphere arising from the body, and the two atmospheres combine together.

Everyone knows that a natural atmosphere continually emanates from the body, not only from human beings but also from animals - in fact, from trees, fruits, flowers, and also metals. So, too, in the spiritual world, except that the atmospheres emanating from things there are spiritual, and the atmospheres which emanate from spirits and angels are interiorly spiritual, because the affections of their love and their consequent perceptions and thoughts are interior.

Every feeling of affinity or aversion has its origin from these atmospheres, and also all association or dissociation. Thus a person's presence or absence depends in that world on these atmospheres. For similarity or harmony in character causes association and presence, while dissimilarity or disharmony causes dissociation and absence. Consequently, it is these atmospheres which cause distances in that world.

Some people also know what effect these spiritual atmospheres have in the natural world. The dispositions of married partners toward each other come from this very origin. Harmonious and concordant atmospheres unite them, and contrary and discordant ones drive them apart; for concordant atmospheres are delightful and pleasant, while discordant ones are undelightful and unpleasant.

[2] Angels have a clear perception of these atmospheres, and I have heard from them that every single element in a person, both inside and out, renews itself, which it does through processes of dissolution and restoration; and this is what produces the atmosphere which is continually given off.

Moreover, the angels said, this atmosphere is concentrated about a person's back and breast, but more lightly around the back, more densely around the breast, and the atmosphere which is about the breast combines itself with the breathing. That also is why two married partners who differ in their dispositions and are out of harmony in their affections, in bed lie turned away with their backs to each other, while conversely, two who are in harmony in their dispositions and affections lie turned toward each other.

[3] The angels said further that because atmospheres emanate from every part of a person and extend widely about him, these atmospheres not only join or drive apart two married partners outwardly, but also inwardly. And this, they said, is the reason for all the differences and diversities in conjugial love.

Lastly the angels said that the atmosphere of love emanating from a wife who is tenderly loved, in heaven is perceived as sweetly fragrant, considerably more delightful than the one which is perceived in the world by a newly married husband in the first days of marriage.

This makes plain the truth asserted, that a wife is joined to her husband by the atmosphere of her life emanating from her love. (CL 171)

What is the "atmosphere emanating from the wife"?

For years now I’ve made it a habit to keep notepads all around the house and write down many of my wife’s observations. I can accurately state that her perceptions and insights form the starting point of the many rational and spiritual ideas I elaborate in this and related articles. I’m especially stimulated by the way her observations contain non-obvious connections to other things, revealing to my sight relationships that raise the level of my understanding and explanations. This cross-gender intellectual borrowing and sharing process creates a more interior spiritual dimension in our relationship. The wife’s interior wisdom from the Divine-Human descends into the natural-rational intelligence of the husband where he builds it into an outward shape that has many new uses.

In this way it has become true that I think from my wife, which is Rule 1 in conjugial development (see Chapter 9, Sections 3 and 4 for more discussion on Rule 1). If you ask her she would tell you that this is the ideal to which I am officially committed, but that my actual adherence to it is variable. Therefore I continue to struggle, turning to the Divine-Human for strength to persist. And He always gives it, if only I would take it from Him.

The New Church mind today is only the sixth generation of the new civilization of the Second Coming (1771 onward). We are part of the early generations that are building the great transition of the human race from the temporary external bonds of marriages to eternal interior union. The future of this transition depends on how we today are dealing with the struggles in our mind against the opposing forces of the natural mind. The power of the entire hells is in this resistance and there is no way of winning except through the pathway the Divine-Human laid down in His Second Coming. This pathway is the rule of life for husbands that they must act from their wife and not from self. This is explained in Sections xx and xx). The retain full independence of thinking and willing. They must learn to compel themselves voluntarily in all freedom to love acting from the wife more than from self. In this way their independent understanding—how they think and reason—is gradually realigned into the rational alignment of conjugial love as defined in the Writings. They are unable to do anything without this grounding and intentionality in their daily study of the Writings.

Husbands would do well to explain this to their wife. They need to show them how their conjugial efforts are grounded in the Writings and that this is the cornerstone of their salvation. Only through religion can the New Church husband obtain sufficient power to overcome himself, that is, the forces of hell in him through his hereditary and acquired evil loves. He needs to have an ally in his wife who can remind him when he is down and rebellious:

Now my husband, remember what struggle you are in. This is your life, our eternity. Come now, gather your spiritual strength and your religious motives and go forth in victory over your ego and arrogance. Compel yourself to act from me, my standards, my guidance, my will. For only this is from the Divine-Human in our marriage and what is from you is hell itself. I will help you if only you will help yourself. Give up your rebellion and act like I say to you. Etc.

I’m sure you can understand the intended meaning in this representation and apply it to the particulars of your unique life situation. The wife is to fight for you with all that the Divine-Human gives her, and you are to fight yourself by compelling yourself voluntarily to act from her. This is the spiritual discipline for conjugial husbands.

For many years I’ve been keeping track of my interactions with my wife and my behavior as a husband. This has helped me greatly to become actually aware of attitudes, opinions, and behaviors that I have developed from socialization and culture that are opposed to the development of conjugial love (see Note 16 at end). I noted the many unexamined ways that I insisted on my male prerogatives which a “man’s world” bestows upon men. Husbands interrupt when wives talk and instead of listening they give premature advice. Husbands determine the majority of topics being transacted by refusing to address issues raised by the wives. Husbands raise their voices and make scary faces when they disagree or are angry about this or that. These are maladaptive methods men use to intimidate women whose sensitivities are threatened and injured by this manly harshness. A crucial mental discipline for New Church husbands is to systematically and regularly keep track of how we fail to honor our wife. It requires that we enlist our wife’s help in providing us with information about our behaviors, habits, and traits that are contrary to conjugial love. Wives receive from the Divine-Human special perception into the unconscious traits of their husbands (CL 156). Relying on our own perceptions is insufficient and misleading.

Making lists is very helpful. Keeping cumulative records is what makes into a discipline. What makes it into a spiritual discipline is being motivated to use the records for self-change efforts in conjugial cooperation. Whatever the husband does consciously for the sake of preparing himself for conjugial love is a spiritual discipline.

Those who enjoy truly conjugial love have eternity in view in their marriage; but the reverse is true of those who do not.

The reason why those who enjoy truly conjugial love have eternity in view is that eternity is contained within this love. This is because this love increases for ever in the case of the wife, and wisdom increases for ever in the case of the husband; and as these increase and develop, the couple plunges deeper and deeper into the blessings of heaven, which lie hidden in their wisdom and also the love for it. So if the notion of eternity were torn away, or by any accident slipped from their minds, it would be as if they were cast down from heaven.   (…)

It is much the same with marriages on earth. When couples there love each other dearly, they think of their partnership as eternal, and pay no attention to its being ended by death. But if they do think of this, it upsets them; though they are revived by hope, when they think of it continuing after death. (CL 216)

Keeping self-witnessing records conscientiously is a discipline. Consulting the wife’s perceptions about the records for the sake of conjoining their perspective, makes it into a spiritual discipline. It is painful due to our inborn pride and runs against the grain of our culturally received male chauvinism and male prerogatives. Resistance to the process is strong and motivation falters. Overcoming these constantly opposing forces is the discipline. The results are very beneficial and promote conjugial friendship and unity. This makes it into a spiritual discipline.

11.4.7  Divine Truth Within Which Is Divine Love

Married and pre-married men can practice many conjugial disciplines that relate to their relationship to a wife. Pre-married men can practice by viewing every girl or woman as someone’s wife. In addition, Christian women have conjugial love implanted and imprinted by nativity (CL 216, 457). The reason only Christian women have this is that conjugial love is only from the Divine-Human and so He alone must be acknowledged in order to receive it (CL 71). Nevertheless the women who are not Christian can also be in conjugial love in the afterlife, when they are instructed regarding the Divine-Human and are willing to receive it (HH 512[3]). The New Church mind exists as a duality: male and female, as determined by birth. No part of the male New Church Mind can be similar or overlap with the female New Church Mind inasmuch as in marriage they are united into a perfect one, and this is only possible with absolute distinctiveness of each unique element.

The Divine-Human’s perfection lies in this: that in Him infinite things that are distinct make a one (DLW 223). The New Church couple is a celestial unit made of two elements that are distinctly different. If things are distinctly different in general they are also distinctly different in every particular (AC 1040[2]). Hence it is that nothing in a husband can be similar to anything in a wife.

This unity cannot be understood outside the intellectual sphere of the Writings. To understand it rationally one needs to apply several things to it: the law of discrete degrees (DLW 186), the Divine-Human’s Proprium that angels use for themselves (AC 8409), the organic composition of the will and understanding (DLW 373), the perfection of unity from discrete elements (DLW 201), the character of temptations (natural, spiritual, celestial) (NJHD 196), the gradual character of regeneration (CL 146), conjugial simulation (CL 282), what chastity is and is not (CL 138), the wife’s interior perception of their husbands which husbands do not have on themselves (CL 166), and other things besides. In the context of these ideas from the Writings physical and mental disciplines can serve to strengthen a man’s suitability for conjugial union.

The focus is on the husband because conjugial love is not inscribed on men from birth as it is on women. It is revealed that men are promiscuous from birth like animals (CL 48) and if they are going to enter heaven they must regenerate into a celestial human being. Only this interior human can unite in perfection with a wife who has conjugial love implanted in her soul.

Conjugial love is lodged with chaste wives, but their love still depends upon their husbands.

The reason is that wives are by birth forms of love, so that it is innate in them to wish to be one with their husbands, and by keeping this thought in their will they constantly nurture their love. So abandoning the effort to unite themselves with their husbands would be abandoning their own nature. But it is different with husbands; since they are not by birth forms of love, but designed to receive that love from their wives, the more readily they receive it, the more readily do their wives come in with their love. But if they fail to receive it, their wives equally stay outside with their love and wait.

This happens in the case of chaste wives, but it is different with the unchaste. These considerations will establish that conjugial love is lodged with wives, but their love depends upon their husbands. (216bis) (see also CL 457)

Physical and mental disciplines by men performed for the purpose of conjugial motives, as defined in the Writings, are spiritual disciplines. But not otherwise.

From what is implanted in them, wives wish to be wives and to be called wives. To them, this is a name of beauty and honor and for that reason they love the bonds of marriage. Moreover, chaste wives wish to be wives not in name only but actually, and because this is effected by an ever closer tie with their husbands, therefore they love the bonds of marriage by reason of the stability of its covenant; and this the more, as they in turn are loved by their husbands or, what is the same thing, as the men love those bonds. (CL 217.) (See also CL 457)

Self-witnessing is at the basis of these disciplines. (See Note 20 for more on self-witnessing techniques).

The New Church mind contains the idea that the evolution of the universe towards its perfection is gradual change back from exteriorization (=creation from Firsts to lasts) to interiorization (=return to the Creator from lasts to Firsts). Creation is a process of distancing from the spiritual Sun which is uncreate, infinite and closest to the Divine-Human. This is the inmost of existence and being. The substance from the spiritual Sun proceeds to a greater and greater “distance” from Itself, going through discrete degrees of transformation, each more externalized than the preceding, until at last it reaches the inert stage of the physical universe, starting with energy and space or ether, and more and more externalized until the various minerals and compounds of planets is reached.

The distance or externalization is a process of becoming more and more inert, that is, less and less life which is the inmost substance of every object. This inmost of every object and particle is the life of existence in a created reality. The word “distance” in this context must be taken as a correspondence for the exteriorization process of creation by substance and intermediaries (xx). The originating substance in sequential order becomes the inmost substance in simultaneous order (xx). The originating substance of created objects is the substance that emanates from the spiritual Sun. This substance is called “Divine Truth within which is Divine Love” (xx).Therefore the inmost of every object or particle in the universe is “Divine Truth within which is Divine Love.”

This inmost substance called “Divine Truth within which is Divine Love,” is living in itself, or life in itself. It is an uncreate substance that belongs to the Divine-Human, and is infinite, since infinite distinct things are contained in it as one. You can see that this substance is be source of infinite distinct or unique things in the created universe. This momentous scientific revelation gives the human race a far higher consciousness of reality than was possible before.

The level of thinking, reasoning, and understanding the workings of the universe is immeasurably increased by this revelation. One important implication is that the universe is rational. The universe is rational since it is created from truth, within which is good. Truth is the inmost substance out of which a thing exists! What an amazing revelation of reality! For instance, a rock, the brain, and a feeling are all created out of truth as a substance of love. Truth creates not from itself but from love or good. Still, it is not love that creates but truth from love. This is what makes the universe rational, and what is rational is both human and alive. Rational defines the human (xx) because the human mind is created an organ for the reception of rational truths from the Divine. When these rational truths are appropriated, loved, and lived, they become our heaven in eternity. But without rational truths appropriated to ourselves by loving them, there can be no heavenly life in us, but only infernal, for all life in human beings is either heavenly or infernal (xx). This is the result of the fact that all things of truth are heavenly, while all things of hell are falsifications or distortions of truth.

This is the same as saying that the living function or quality is hidden more and more within, and doesn’t show in its effects. Animals are less externalized and the life within is visible and obvious. Human minds are the least externalized of the created things, especially the consciousness or rationality of human beings. The minds of women are more interiorized than the minds of men. The male human is more externalized than the female human.

Every man is created that he may live for ever. In the treatise THE DIVINE LOVE AND WISDOM, Parts Third and Fifth, it is shown that in man there are three degrees of life, called the natural, the spiritual and the celestial, and that these degrees are actually in every man; while in beasts there is only one degree of life, which is similar to the lowest degree in man called the natural. From this it follows that man by the elevation of his life to the Divine-Human is in such a state above the beasts that he is able to understand what pertains to the Divine Wisdom and to will what pertains to the Divine Love, and in this way to receive the Divine; and he who can receive the Divine so as to see and perceive it in himself cannot be otherwise than conjoined to the Divine-Human, and through this conjunction cannot but live for ever.   (…)

In order that every man may live for ever, what is mortal with him is taken away. His mortal part is the material body which is taken away by his death. His immortal part, which is his mind, is thus unveiled and he then becomes a spirit in human form, his mind being that spirit.   (…)

As it has been granted me to speak with angels I will also say something from my own experience. I have talked with some who lived many ages ago, with some who lived before the Flood and with some who lived after it, with some who lived in the time of the Divine-Human, with one of His Apostles, and with many who lived in later times. They all appeared like men of middle age, and they said they did not know what death is, but only that there is condemnation. Moreover, all who have lived well, when they enter heaven, come into the state of early manhood they reached in the world and continue in it to eternity, even those who had been old and decrepit men in the world. Women, too, although they had been shrunken and aged, return to the flowering period of their age and beauty.   (…)

Thus every man is created that he may enter heaven. This is the end of creation; but all do not enter heaven because they become imbued with the delights of hell which are opposite to the happiness of heaven; and those who are not in the happiness of heaven cannot enter heaven, for they cannot endure it. To no one who enters the spiritual world is it denied to ascend to heaven; but when one who is in the delight of hell enters heaven his heart palpitates, his breathing is labored, his life begins to fail, he is in anguish, distress and torment, and he writhes like a serpent placed close to a fire. This is so because opposites act against each other.   (…)

Nevertheless, they cannot die, as they were born men and thereby with the faculty of thinking and willing, and consequently of speaking and acting. However, as they can live only with those who are in a similar delight of life they are sent to them; thus those who are in the delights of evil and those who are in the delights of good are sent to their own appropriate companions. It is indeed granted everyone to experience the delight of his own evil provided he does not molest any who are in the delight of good; but as evil cannot do otherwise than molest good, for there is inherent in evil hatred against good, therefore lest the wicked should inflict injury they are removed and cast down to their own place in hell, where their delight is turned to what is the reverse of delightful.  (DP 324)

11.4.8  Is The Surrendered Husband Feminized?

In earlier drafts and articles I used the term “feminization,” as in “the feminization of marriage” or “the feminization of the husband” and, “the feminization of the universe” and also, “the feminization of the Church.” I have a note to myself to go back to my earlier articles and edit out the word “feminization” from the sub-titles as this might be a kind of red flag to some people. While discussing the matter with my wife I suddenly got the sense that it might be an unnecessary stumbling block. Some men might not be able initially to shake the negative implications of this word when applied to a man.

Yet the underlying idea in the feminization of marriage, husband, universe, or Church, is that conjugial love is returning to earth (See Section xx). Conjugial love is feminine. When the husband is feminized it means nothing else than that he has acquired conjugial love, which is now part of him. It cannot mean that his traits have become feminine since it is a Divine Law by creation that not a single thing in a man can be like a single think in a woman (See Section xx). The man before being feminized by conjugial love is the same man as afterwards, except that he now has conjugial love as part of him whereas he did not before that.

In the earlier phases of their regeneration (see Level 2 Thinking Section xx), men are tempted to use the literal sense of Sacred Scripture within the context of a religion, and through this they practice dominance over women in areas that they claim is given to them by Sacred Scripture (see Section xx). The following passage from Conjugial Love 32 has been used by men to argue that they have a Divine warrant to choose when they can prevail over women.

CL 32 (2). The difference essentially consists in this, that the inmost quality in masculinity is love, and its veil wisdom, or in other words, it is love veiled over with wisdom, while the inmost quality in femininity is that same wisdom, the wisdom of masculinity, and its veil the love resulting from it. This second love, however, is a feminine love, and it is given by the Lord to a wife through the wisdom of her husband, whereas that first love is a masculine love, which is a love of becoming wise, and it is given by the Lord to a husband according to his reception of wisdom. Consequently, the male is a form of the wisdom of love, and the female is a form of the love of that wisdom. Therefore from creation there was implanted in both male and female a love of uniting into one. (CL 32)

We discussed the mental anatomy of men and women in Section 11.3.1.1 above. An additional relevant diagram is to be found in Section 11.4.11.2  below. The reciprocal anatomy of men and women assigns both love and wisdom to both men and women, but in inverse order relative to which is inner and which outer. This is repeated in the above passage. But now consider this: " the inmost quality in femininity is that same wisdom, the wisdom of masculinity, and its veil the love resulting from it." This literally says that a woman's femininity comes from the man's wisdom of masculinity. Men who are not yet regenerated are interpreting Sacred Scripture literally when applying to themselves. In this passage men see themselves as primary and women as secondary. They interpret this passage as meaning that they have wisdom from God because they are born men. Even if they deny that they are wise, they still think it because of masculine self-intelligence confirmed in this passage and others like it. Hence when a husband has a disagreement with his wife he insists that she should give in to his decision and his understanding because he has wisdom from God and she is to take this wisdom into herself from him. They interpret this as meaning that the woman's wisdom is lower than the man's since she has it from him. These interpretations are completely false.

According to the Doctrine of the Wife a husband should always strive to make interpretations of Sacred Scripture that favor his wife over himself (see Section xx). In this passage: "the inmost quality in femininity is that same wisdom, the wisdom of masculinity, and its veil the love resulting from it" --- it is clear that the masculine wisdom of the husband is absorbed or implanted into the wife. Now instead of concluding from this that therefore the wife's wisdom is lower, one should conclude that the wife's wisdom is higher, not lower. This can be confirmed in several ways. One is that the implanted wisdom in the wife is inner wisdom (see anatomical chart), while the man's wisdom is outer. What is inner is always superior to what is outer (see Section xx). Evidently, when the wisdom of femininity is superior to the wisdom of masculinity. This can be also be confirmed by observation of married couples. Husbands who allow their wife to sway their opinion and judgment regarding their marriage and relationship, achieve the unity phase, which is the inner marriage, the heavenly marriage that will endure to eternity (see Section xx).

Another way one can confirm this is that a man's wisdom is no greater than his application of it to life. Since men regenerate gradually over the years of marriage, their wisdom later is far superior to their wisdom earlier. In the meantime what is the wife supposed to do about a husband is not yet wise? Clearly she is not to absorb her husband's way of thinking and reasoning when it is not wise. Hence if he opposes his wife's decision or conclusion or opinion, and rejects this for the sake of his own, then his foolish, not wise. His wife is not going to love his foolishness, and not she is not going to love him for his foolishness. But instead, he can become wise if he willingly complies to her wisdom, which is always superior to his, being his wisdom elevated in her inner mind.

11.4.8.1    Husbands Confess Here: Leon James

Please see this article:  Husbands Confess Here: Leon James
            www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy/instructor/gloss/leon1-shorter.html

11.4.9  The Conjoint Mind Is Both Masculine And Feminine

The Divine-Human has now revealed the scientific fact that a man by himself is an incomplete creation and is still to develop to maturity. The mature man is created into perfection when he is no longer an individual man, but a structural or organic part of his wife, so that the two together are one angel (xx). Only as an angel-husband is a man in his created perfection. It is just like the surgical reintegration and attachment of a man and a woman in which her lungs are removed and her heart is attached to his lungs. And his heart is removed and his lungs are attached to her heart. This integrated new body corresponds to the conjoint mind of an angel-couple, which therefore has both masculine and feminine characteristics.

The Doctrine of the Wife, through Rule 1, creates the conjoint mind. Through Rule 1 the husband’s will, which corresponds to his heart, is removed, and it is replaced by the wife’s heart to which he keeps himself cleaving by conjugial love and the motive to acquire it. From the perspective of the husband, thinking and acting from his wife’s will, which corresponds to her heart, is to lay aside his individual independent will, which was entirely masculine. Henceforth his masculine understanding is to operate from a feminine will, just as his masculine lungs would be purified of impurities and poisons by the feminine heart to which he is now joined. To be a conjoint mind means that the husband thinks from his wife’s will or affections, and the wife thinks from her husband’s understanding or thoughts. He is feminized while she is masculinized, even though they each retain their full gender, gaining everything, losing nothing.

What does it mean specifically to say that the husband loves to think and act from the wife’s willing more than from his own willing?

Consider how you might describe your daily behavior. You act in accordance with your thinking, which is from your willing. In other words, the motives and affections in your will select and direct those thoughts that serve its affections and motives. The thinking is therefore from the willing, and the acting is from both of them together. This is the way we operate prior to being a conjugial husband.

As we are reformed by the Doctrine of the Wife, and struggle daily and hourly to follow Rule 1, we begin gradually to change from the operation just described. Now we inhibit and weaken and suppress our own affections and motives in interacting with our wife. Instead, we begin to compel our thinking to fit the wife’s requests and needs. This is gradual because we do not hear her requests except in a weak sense at first, gradually gaining strength until we can actually hear the request she had been making for years. Then we sometimes compel ourselves to think in accordance with the request, but sometimes we choose not to, and then we slide back, to the chagrin and suffering of the poor wife. But eventually we get better at it, more honest in our attempts, and at last our wife begins to say new things about us, things that a conjugial wife says to her conjugial husband who has become her bosom friend.

The more we think from the wife’s willing, the more our mind is conjoined to her mind. When our thinking is done from her willing, our doing will be called the works of conjugial love. This is what the Divine-Human has Commanded by saying that the man shall leave father and mother and cleave unto his wife (xx). “Father and mother” refers to the man’s own willing and thinking, since willing relates to good, and “father” represents good, while thinking relates to truth, and “mother” represents truth or the Church in us. We leave our own “father and  mother” by laying aside our own willing, and the independent masculine thinking that goes with that willing. And in its stead, we hook ourselves into our wife’s willing by knowing her affections and hearing her requests. This is the meaning of the promise to “honor” her which we solemnly make at our sacred wedding. “To cleave to the wife” signifies to honor her by reforming our thinking to fit her willing, and then acting by the new thinking from her willing. In this way we act agreeably to her and she can conjoin herself to our new mind even more than before. this is a continuous process over the years. Happy is the couple on this earth that is immersed in this process.

Conjugial love is the highest of all loves and uses in the universe (xx), for which all other loves exist, for which all created objects exist. Conjugial love is called a celestial love (xx). This highest of all loves is received from the Divine-Human in the inmost of the wife, and conjugial love in the wife becomes the source of conjugial love for the husband (xx). It is in the husband only to the extent that her heart is in his, that is, to the extent that he has appropriated to himself her affections and now thinks and acts from them. Thus, he is in the state described by Rule 1 of the Doctrine of the Wife. This is meant by the elevated husband.

Conjugial love in the man is therefore the exchanging of his old masculine will and affections for her feminine affections, which are her will, her love. Her love is now in him and he thinks and acts from her love.

All thinking and acting is from love (xx), and he either acts from his own love or from her love in him.

To be able to act and think form her love requires that he appropriate her love, that is, make her affections to be in his will. This appropriation, or interiorization, is achieved solely by loving them, for only loving something can be appropriated to a human being. Once appropriated, it remains forever. Now he is a new man, for the man is his intelligence, and this is such as his love is (DLW xx). Now he acts from a higher love than before because woman’s love is higher than man’s, her love being celestial, while his love being spiritual, and the two are as far apart as the noonday sun light is from the midnight moon light (xx).

Man was created into a perfect order. He arrives in this perfect order when he becomes the elevated husband. He achieves this higher existence by exchanging the hereditary and acquired masculine affections in his will with the feminine affections of his conjugial life. Her affections are higher because she is the only one that receives conjugial love directly from the Divine-Human (xx). The Divine-Human provides that the husband also has conjugial love, but not directly from Him, but directly from his wife. This appropriation to himself of the Divine-Human’s conjugial love in her, effects his elevation. And this appropriation of her love as his own makes him hers, for he now is what his love is, purely hers. His new thoughts are now created by this new will, which is his wife’s in him. These new thoughts are higher than his thoughts before the makeover of his will. Now the wife takes these new thoughts into herself as she does his seed through the thighs (xx). This is her delight of unity that is indescribable according to the celestial wives who talked to Swedenborg about it in a rose garden (xx).

           11.4.10  The Wife's Role in Heavenly Marriages

First read the following delightful story from Swedenborg's book Conjugial Love (1743). I will then comment on what information we can extract from it.

CL 56. The second account:

One time, while speaking with angels in the spiritual world, I was filled with a pleasant wish to see the Temple of Wisdom, which I had seen once before.* So I asked the angels about the way to it.

They said, "Follow the light, and you will find it."

And I said, "What do you mean, follow the light?"

They said, "Our light grows brighter the closer we get to that temple. Follow the light, therefore, in the direction it grows brighter. For our light emanates from the Lord as the sun of this world, and so, regarded in itself, that light is wisdom."

In the company of two angels I then went in the direction that the light grew brighter, and I ascended by a steep path to the top of a certain hill which was in the southern zone, where I found a magnificent gate. When the guard saw the angels with me, he opened it, and behold, I saw an avenue of palm trees and laurels, which we followed. The avenue curved around and ended up at a garden, in the middle of which stood the Temple of Wisdom.

As I looked around in the garden, I saw some smaller buildings, replicas of the temple, with wise men in them. We went over to one of the buildings, and we spoke at the entrance with the receptionist there, telling him the reason for our coming and the way we had arrived. And the receptionist said, "Welcome! Come in, have a seat, and let us spend some time together in conversations of wisdom."

[2] I saw inside that the building was divided into two sections, and yet the two were still one. It was divided into two sections by a transparent partition, but it looked like one room because of the partition's transparency, which was like the transparency of the purest crystal. I asked why it was arranged like that.

The receptionist said, "I am not alone. My wife is with me, and though we are two, yet we are not two but one flesh."

To which I replied, "I know you are wise, but what does a wise man or wisdom have to do with a woman?"

At this, with some feeling of annoyance, the receptionist's expression changed, and he stretched out his hand, and suddenly, then, other wise men were present from the neighboring buildings. To them he said with amusement, "Our visitor here says he wants to know what a wise man or wisdom has to do with a woman!"

They all laughed at this and said, "What is a wise man or wisdom apart from a woman or apart from love? A wife is the love of a wise man's wisdom."

[3] But the receptionist said, "Let us join together now in some conversation of wisdom. Let the conversation be about causes, today the reason for the beauty in the female sex."

So they then spoke in turn. And the first speaker gave this reason, that women were created by the Lord to be forms of affection for the wisdom in men, and affection for wisdom is beauty itself.

The second speaker gave this reason, that woman was created by the Lord through the wisdom in man, because she was created from man, and that she is therefore a form of wisdom inspired by the affection of love. And because the affection of love is life itself, a woman is a form of the life in wisdom, while the male is a form of wisdom, and the life in wisdom is beauty itself.

The third speaker presented this reason, that women have been given a perception of the delights in conjugial love. And because their whole body is an instrument of that perception, the abode where the delights of conjugial love dwell with their perception cannot help but be a form of beauty.

[4] The fourth speaker gave this reason, that the Lord took beauty and grace of life from man and transferred them into woman, and that is why a man not reunited with his beauty and grace in woman is stern, severe, dry and unattractive, and also not wise except for his own sake alone, in which case he is a dunce. On the other hand, when a man is united with his beauty and grace of life in a wife, he becomes agreeable, pleasant, full of life and lovable, and therefore wise.

The fifth speaker gave this reason, that women were created to be beauties, not for their own sake, but for the sake of men, so that men's natural hardness might become softer, the natural solemnness of their dispositions more amiable, and the natural coldness of their hearts warmer. And this is what happens to them when they become one flesh with their wives.

[5] The sixth speaker offered this reason, that the universe created by the Lord is a most perfect work, but nothing is created in it more perfect than a woman attractive in appearance and becoming in behavior, in order that a man may thank the Lord for such a gift and repay it by receiving wisdom from Him.

After these and several other similar views were expressed, one of the wives appeared through the crystal-like partition, and she said to her husband, "Speak, if you wish."

And when he spoke, the life in his wisdom from his wife was perceived in his speech, for her love was in the tone of his voice. Thus did experience bear witness to the truth expressed.

After this we looked at the Temple of Wisdom, and also at the things in the paradise surrounding it. And being filled with feelings of joy on account of them, we departed and went along the avenue to the gate, and so descended by the way we had come. (CL 56)

Let us now analyze this passage. The following facts can be extracted.

(1) Wisdom is the state of becoming enlightened when men and women receive spiritual light into the natural mind. Their mind is then like a paradise of lovely gardens, such as appear around the dwelling places of couples in conjugial love. The spiritual light enlightens the natural mind when we read the Writings, acknowledging it as the Divine Truth spoken by the Divine Human and expressed in a natural language. This is the meaning of the "Temple of Wisdom" which then shines in our mental world. Both men and women have the same Temple of Wisdom in their mind, but every individual in their own unique way.

(2) The mind of the conjugial husband is not independent or single. It is always filled with the wife's affections and wishes. There is never a moment when the wife is not present in the conjugial husband's mind because he continuously cleaves to her affections and wishes that he memorizes, internalizes, and appropriates as-if they were his own. Her mental presence in his mind creates a conjoint mind in which there is a "transparent partition" so that the two minds form a conjoint self, just like two rooms separated by a glass partition look like just one room. But when the husband acts from his own affections and wishes, his mind and her mind are divided by a brick wall, not a transparent partition. He cannot become a conjugial husband as long as he is unwilling to align his thinking in accordance with her affections and wishes, thereby removing the brick wall and installing the transparent partition.

(3) "A wife is the love of a wise man's wisdom." In a conjugial couple, it is the wife who supplies the will for the couple's interactions with each other. The husband who is practicing being conjugial does not wish to act from his own will, but from his wife's will only. This means that he desires to consult his wife's affections and wishes before he can rightly act through his own wisdom and understanding. He does not wish to act or decide anything on his own, from his own understanding and inclinations, until he has aligned them to be acceptable and harmonious to his wife's affections and wishes. It says that a wife is the love of a "wise man's" wisdom  because if the husband is not a "wise man," the conjugial wife cannot be the love of his unwisdom. When a husband goes after his own affections and understanding, which are contrary to the wife's wishes, he is in unwisdom. The wife cannot be the love of that unwisdom.

11.4.10.1  The Wife is a Form of the Highest Human Wisdom

(4) Continuing with the analysis of CL 56.

The wife "is a form of wisdom inspired by the affection of love." The wife's affections and wishes are expressions of her conjugial love which she has in herself inborn from nativity.

Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture:

CL 224. (xv) Where truly conjugial love exists, this sphere is received by the wife and is only received by the husband through the wife.

The fact that in the case of those who enjoy truly conjugial love this sphere is received by the husband solely through his wife is today a secret. (CL 224)

CL 224. Since everyone, man and woman alike, is enveloped in a sphere of life, densely in front and thinly at the back, it is plain why husbands who are deeply in love with their wives turn towards them and during the day smile kindly on them. Conversely those who do not love their wives turn away from them, and during the day withdraw their gaze when they see them. The way the conjugial sphere is received by the husband solely through his wife allows truly conjugial love to be recognised and distinguished from spurious, false or cold conjugial love. (CL 224)

CL 223. (xiv) This sphere is received by the female sex, and by them it is transferred to the male sex[; but the reverse of this is not the case].

My experiences have allowed me to see evidence that there is no conjugial love present in the male sex, but it is only in the female sex, being transferred from this to the male (see 161 above). Reason can add a further proof: the male form is an intellectual one, woman is a voluntary form. An intellectual form cannot be warmed by conjugial heat by itself, but only from the linking heat of someone who has it implanted from creation. Consequently it cannot receive that love, except through having attached to it the voluntary form of a woman; this is also the form of love. (CL 223)

CL 393. VI. THAT THIS SPHERE AFFECTS THE FEMALE SEX, THUS MOTHERS, PRINCIPALLY, AND THE MALE SEX, OR FATHERS, FROM THEM. This is a consequence due to the same origin that was previously spoken of [no. 222], namely, that the sphere of conjugial love is received by women, and through women is transferred to men (CL 393)

CL 409. Conjugial love is implanted in every woman from creation (CL 409)

CL 88. [2] A man therefore possesses two loves. One, which comes first, is the love of being wise, and the other, which comes later, is the love of wisdom. But if this second love remains with a man, it is a wicked love, called pride in or love of one's own intelligence. It will be proved in the following pages that it has been provided from creation that, to prevent this love being his ruin, it was taken from the man and copied into the woman, so becoming conjugial love which makes him whole again. (CL 88).

CL 331. [2] Their second conclusion was, 'We women are designed by birth to be the love of our husbands' intelligence. If therefore men love their own intelligence, this cannot be united with its true love, which resides with the wife. And if the husband's intelligence is not united with its true love residing with the wife, pride turns intelligence into folly, and conjugial love becomes coldness. Can any woman unite her love with coldness? And can any man unite the folly of his pride with the love of intelligence?' (CL 331)

CL 216r. [repeated] (7) Conjugial love has its seat in chaste wives, but their love depends on their husbands. The reason is that wives are born forms of love, and it is therefore innate in them to wish to be one with their husbands. They also continue to feed their love with this thought of their will. Consequently to turn away from their effort to unite themselves with their husbands would be to turn away from their very natures. It is different with husbands. Because they are not born forms of love, but are receivers of that love from their wives, therefore to the degree that they receive it, to that degree their wives enter into them with their love. But to the degree they do not receive it, their wives stand outside with their love and wait. This is what happens, however, in the case of chaste wives. It is otherwise in the case of unchaste ones. It follows from this that conjugial love has its seat in chaste wives, but that their love depends on their husbands. (CL 216r)

CL 457. (12) For the conjugial union of one man with one wife is the precious jewel of human life and the repository of Christian religion. These two points are ones we have already demonstrated universally and singly in the entire preceding part on conjugial love and the delights of its wisdom. Conjugial love is the precious jewel of human life because the character of a person's life is such as the character of that love in him, that love forming the inmost element of his life. For it is the life of wisdom dwelling together with its love, and of love dwelling together with its wisdom, and thus it is the life of the delights of both. In a word, a person is a living soul as a result of that love. That is why we call the conjugial union of one man with one wife the precious jewel of human life.

[2] This conclusion is supported by observations made above: that truly conjugial friendship, trust and potency are possible with only one wife, because only then is there a union of minds (nos. 333, 334); that in and from that union spring the celestial blessings, spiritual felicities and natural delights which from the beginning have been provided for people who are in a state of truly conjugial love (no. 335); that this love is the fundamental love of all celestial, spiritual, and consequently natural loves (nos. 65-67); and that into this love have been gathered all joys and all delights, from the first to the last of them (nos. 68, 69). Moreover, in Delights of Wisdom Relating to Conjugial Love, which forms Part One of this work, it was fully shown that regarded in its origin, this love is the interplay of wisdom and love. (CL 457)

Reviewing some of the points we learn from the above passages:

CL 224. The fact that in the case of those who enjoy truly conjugial love this sphere is received by the husband solely through his wife is today a secret. (CL 224)

The expression "today" in Sacred Scripture always signifies a developmental state in our regeneration process. In this case, what is being described is the mental state of husbands before they are enlightened and afterward. That it is a "secret" signifies that it is not understood by them in their pre-enlightenment phase, but it is revealed to them afterward. The doctrinal secret is that CL cannot be given to the husband by the Lord except through the wife. This is a psychobiological secret, that is, a scientific fact or spiritual doctrine that is revealed in Sacred Scripture.

That CL is a "sphere" signifies that it is a spiritual substance that emanates from the wife's spiritual mind and encompasses the husband's spiritual mind. The husband's spiritual mind is capable of approaching his wife's sphere of CL more and more, or closer and closer, as he  progresses in his "circle of life", applying to combats of willing and thinking in his interactions with her. But not so much if he does not apply it to his interactions with her. This sphere of emanation from the wife is further described as follows:

CL 224. Since everyone, man and woman alike, is enveloped in a sphere of life, densely in front and thinly at the back, it is plain why husbands who are deeply in love with their wives turn towards them and during the day smile kindly on them. Conversely those who do not love their wives turn away from them, and during the day withdraw their gaze when they see them. The way the conjugial sphere is received by the husband solely through his wife allows truly conjugial love to be recognised and distinguished from spurious, false or cold conjugial love. (CL 224)

The expression "husbands who are deeply in love with their wives" signifies that they are enlightened (see above) and that they have learned to be willing to be influenced by the wife in the natural mind. This is because a husband who loves his wife does not disagree with her. He has learned to compel himself to elevate her influence on him as higher and stronger than his influence on himself. Such a husband can be said to be "deeply in love with his wife." And if he does not do this, if he disagrees with her natural mind, and he lets it stand, then he may know that he is not deeply in love with her. But if he can make himself to agree with her natural mind, he is aligning his natural to correspond to a conjugial heaven. This prepares his mind for conjugial heaven in the spiritual mind, that is in eternity.

The expression "during the day" is like the prior expression "today" and refers to a developmental phase that is being discussed. In this case, that of husbands who have been enlightened (see above). In that enlightened state, husbands are said to "turn towards their wives", which signifies that they immerse themselves "densely" in the sphere of the wife, which is "in front" rather than in the back. Husbands enter the mental state of enlightenment when they are able to stand this CL sphere emanating from the wife's mind "densely", which means they have learned to compel themselves to be influenced by the wife's mind more than by his own mind.

That an enlightened husband "during the day smiles kindly on his wife" signifies that he does not disagree with her. He never disagrees with her when he is in an enlightened state. To "smile kindly" means that his inner disposition towards her is favorable. It means that he is her best friend and looks after her feelings and desires, striving to satisfy them like a sweetheart would.

It is said that "Conversely those who do not love their wives turn away from them" which signifies that before the state of enlightenment, a husband readily disagrees with his wife, thereby acting like he does not love her, does not look after her feelings as her best friend would. He is her husband, but he is not her true lover, her conjugial partner who desires to be immersed in her mental sphere. He finds this aversive, which is what "conversely" signifies. Hence it is said that husbands "withdraw their gaze when they see their wife", which signifies that they spiritually withdraw themselves from the wife's front, where the emanating substance of CL is "densely" packed. They take up position behind the wife, where the emanation is thin, which means that they are less willing to be influenced by the natural mind of the wife, and favor their own natural mind. In this way their natural mind remains in correspondence with hell. This husband's love for his wife is called "spurious, false or cold conjugial love."

The wife's conjugial love is continuously renewed and received from the Lord on a moment by moment basis from birth to eternity. It says that a wife is a "form of wisdom" because conjugial love creates in her the highest form of human wisdom called "Sarah" in the Word (Abraham's wife). The husband is born a form of wisdom which is spiritual wisdom, and therefore is a lower form of wisdom than the wife's wisdom, which is celestial. This is why in conjugial couples, it is the husband who aligns his understanding to the wife's understanding in all things pertaining to their relationship and interactions. Higher loves receive higher wisdom and conjugial love is the highest of all loves. Hence it is that wives have the highest wisdom. Therefore husbands who practice becoming conjugial acknowledge and follow their wife's wisdom, honoring it above their own. Husbands who honor their own understanding above that of their wife are not becoming conjugial.

Continuing with the analysis of CL 56.

(5) The wife "is a form of the life in wisdom." Whatever wisdom the husband has is useless and is not genuine wisdom, unless "the wife is the life of his wisdom." The conjugial husband always has his wife's life in his mind by internalizing her affections and wishes so that these now rule his mind, not his own affections and wishes that are separate from his wife or contrary to his wife. It says that a wife is the "life" in wisdom because the conjugial husband stores his wife's affections and wishes in his wisdom. If he fails to do this then the husband's own affections and wishes are in his own wisdom. And in that case he is neither a conjugial husband nor a wise one. The wife cannot be the life or love of this husband's lack of wisdom.

(6) The wife is empowered by the Lord to receive "a perception of the delights in conjugial love." Her entire body is a receptor organ ("instrument") that receives conjugial love from the Lord. Her intelligence, wisdom, and perception are the expressions of this love. This is also why the wife is a form of beauty, because beauty is the outward form of her celestial wisdom. The husband is in conjugial cold when he relies on his own wisdom in which are his own affections. But when he internalizes his wife's affections and wishes (that is, her love), then he thinks and acts from her love, and he is called "a wise man." The wife can then conjoin her conjugial love to his genuine wisdom and as a result, his mind becomes like a paradise garden in which conjugial love flows into him from his wife's affections, which he has internalized, honored, and appropriated to be as-if his very own.

(7) A husband who thinks from himself independently of or contrary to his wife's affections and wishes, is not wise and not attractive. He is then "not wise except for his own sake alone," which is a "dunce." But when he makes his understanding and wisdom to agree with his wife's affections and wishes, "he becomes agreeable, pleasant, full of life and lovable, and therefore wise." A husband is said to act "for his own sake alone" when he is acting from his own affections and wishes, despite their being contrary to his wife's affections and wishes. He is then not a wise man but a foolish man (or "dunce"). The wife cannot be conjoined to a foolish husband because her conjugial love can only be conjoined to genuine wisdom.

(8) A husband who is not aligned with his wife's affections and wishes is "naturally cold" but when he compels himself to be in agreement with her wishes, he becomes "softer" and his "heart becomes warmer." When husbands align their wisdom to agree with their wife's wishes, "they become one flesh with their wives." The essence of conjugial love, its peace and happiness, lies in the husband becoming "one flesh" with his wife. This means that he voluntarily realigns his thinking to always agree with her affections and wishes. 

(9) When a husband thinks and speaks in agreement with his wife's wishes, "her love is in the tone of his voice."  It is said that "her love" is in "his voice" because the tone of voice expresses the speaker's love. For a conjugial husband, the wife's love is in his will and understanding when he aligns them to be in agreement with his wife's feelings and wishes. But when the husband does not align his thoughts to agree with his wife's wishes, he is not a conjugial husband, and when he speaks, the absence of the wife in his affections is marked by a harsh and severe tone, or else, an insincere or hypocritical one.

There is a remarkable role switch that takes place when couples move from the equity model to the unity model of marriage. The equity model is called "the Lord's spiritual kingdom" in the following passage from the Writings, while the unity model is referred to as "the Lord's celestial kingdom." This is because the equity model proceeds from the husband's spiritual mentality (level 2) while the unity model springs from conjugial love, which is a celestial mentality (see Section xx).

AC 8994. [4] So it is that those who are spiritually perceptive have a liking for women with an affection for truths, but not for women who concentrate on gaining knowledge. For it is in keeping with Divine order for men to know things and for women purely to have an affection for them, so the women do not love themselves because of their knowledge but love men; and from this springs the desire for marriage. This also is why those of old said that women must keep silent in the Church. All this being so, factual and religious knowledge are represented by men, but affections by women (...)

It should be recognized however that this is the situation among those who belong to the Lord's spiritual kingdom, whereas among those who belong to His celestial kingdom the reverse applies. There husbands are the ones with affection, and wives are the ones with knowledge of good and truth; and this is what the desire for marriage springs from among them. (AC 8994)

The first paragraph refers to husbands with the equity model as "those who are spiritually perceptive." Husbands with the male dominance model think about their wife only from natural ideas and thus are not spiritually perceptive. The equity model (level 2) is more rational than the male dominance model (level 1) but not as rational as the unity model (level 3). This passage says that with couples at the equity level ("spiritual kingdom"), the husband is motivated by the desire of "gaining knowledge," while the wife is motivated to "have an affection for it." But when couples move into the unity model ("celestial kingdom") there is a "reversal" and now it is the wife who is oriented towards "knowledge of good and truth" while the husbands "are the ones with affection."

Knowing about this reversal of roles is extremely important. In the Writings Sacred Scripture this contrast is not given explicitly when the focus is either on the spiritual or the celestial mentality. It is always necessary therefore to accumulate various passages on the subject and to keep them as a context for each other. Unless the reversal of gender roles is kept as a context, it is possible to consider only the spiritual mentality, and to find passages stating that men are "forms of understanding" while women are the "love of man's understanding." Taken without the reversal, this assertion can be used by unenlightened men to justify the male dominance model. For instance, when it comes to daily decision making within the marriage, husbands use this assertion to claim "Scriptural authority" over their wives since they are to be "understanding and knowledge" while the wives are to be the "love of the husband's understanding." Wives are told to submit and obey to their husbands since Sacred Scripture gives them this definition and role.

But when the reversal is kept as a context, this entire male dominance model argument collapses as irrational.

In the equity model, husbands retain intellectual authority over their wives. Husbands will give their wives permission to discuss and negotiate, seemingly on the basis of the equity model. In fact however, they are operating with the male dominance model in the background, and with the equity model in the foreground. Husbands want the reputation that they are in the equity model since this appears more civilized and fair. But they reserve the right for themselves to reject the negotiation process, since in the final analysis, God appointed them to be the "understanding" in the relationship, and women are to be the "love of the man's understanding." This is interpreted by these husbands to mean that their understanding is superior to that of their wife by innate God-given spiritual ability. But note that the Writings are not saying that men have a superior understanding to women. It only says that men are "forms of understanding" or that men "represent knowledge and intellectual things." And at any rate, the representation and form are reversed in the celestial couples in whom the wife represents and is a form of "inmost wisdom and perception of truth" while the husband represents and is a form of "inmost love of the wife's truth and wisdom."

A husband moves into the unity model (level 3, celestial mentality) when he becomes enlightened and realizes that the wife's truth and wisdom is superior to his own because it is more inward, and what is more inward is also higher and superior (see Section xx). It's interesting to reflect upon the idea that a husband's love in the unity model is higher or superior to the wife's. In what way? IN the unity model the husband is activated by his love for the Doctrine of the Wife (see Section xx). This is a superior love to the wife's love because it is willing to subordinate its own understanding and wisdom to that of the wife. Self-subordination for the sake of the wife is an essential celestial love. By this act of self-denial the husband is making his wife happy from himself. He is creating her conjugial happiness by loving her wisdom more than his own.

In the equity model ("spiritual kingdom"), it is the husband's understanding and wisdom that defines the couple's life and destiny. In the unity model ("celestial kingdom"), it is the wife's understanding and wisdom that defines the couple's life and destiny.

When the husband is unwilling to always align his thinking with his wife's, he is imposing upon the marriage a male dominance model under the guise of the equity model (see Section xx). Inner conjunction between the couple is impossible as long as he insists on doing this. The wife has no recourse but to wait and suffer. She continues to challenge him out of desperation and loneliness, but she has no power over him. Eventually the husband must make enough spiritual progress to realize that he is to compel himself to act according to the Doctrine of the Wife if he wants to be with her in heaven.

Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture:

Verse 22 And Jehovah God built the rib which He took from the man into a woman, and brought her to the man.

'Building means reconstructing that which has fallen down, 'rib' the proprium that has not been given life, 'woman the proprium that has been given life by the Lord, 'bringing her to the man' that a proprium was granted to him. Since the descendants of this Church, unlike their ancestors, did not wish to be the celestial man, but to be their own guides and so set their heart on the proprium, they were allowed to have one. It was however a proprium given life by the Lord, which is why it is called 'a woman', and after that 'a wife'. (AC 151)

Anyone paying the matter only scant attention may see that woman was not formed out of the rib of a man, and that the arcana embodied here are deeper than anybody has ever been aware of up to now. And that the proprium is meant by 'the woman may be seen from the consideration that the woman was the one who was deceived, for nothing but the proprium - or what amounts to the same, self-love and love of the world - ever deceives a person. (AC 152)

The well known Genesis story in the Old Testament of Eve being built out of Adam's rib, refers in its scientific sense to the proprium, specifically, that the proprium which is a dead delusion in itself, was enlivened by God. "Woman" and "wife" refer to the enlivened proprium in all human beings.

Why does Divine Speech refer to our enlivened proprium as "wife"?

It was however a proprium given life by the Lord, which is why it is called 'a woman', and after that 'a wife' (AC 151)

It is said here that God calls our proprium "wife" because it is "given life by God." In the correspondential sense what is being described by this expression is the actual psycho-physiological unity of the conjugial couple in eternity. The proprium or self is enlivened by God through influx of spiritual heat and light from the Spiritual Sun into our affective and cognitive organs (see Section xx). The proprium we have outside our heaven is called "dead" or devoid of life because it was destroyed in the Fall of the human race (see Section xx). Subsequently every generation has inherited the dead proprium, that is, a self that is inclined to self-love and the love of sensuous things, as opposed to the new proprium, or regenerated will, which is inclined to love of God and neighbor (see Section xx). This new proprium is called alive, enlivened by God, not by self.

Sacred Scripture refers to Adam's wife as Eve, a Hebrew word meaning "alive from God." Eve is identified as Adam's wife.  In the conjugial couple, the wife is called the husband's life from God. This is a central theme revealed in Sacred Scripture, and is known as the Doctrine of the Wife (see Section xx).

    11.4.11 Part A   Spiritual Psychobiology of Marriage 

A man's mind is the converse of a woman's mind. The human mind contains affective and cognitive organs at various levels and relative functions (see Section xx). In a man the affective organ is located inwardly relative to the cognitive organ, but the converse is the case with a woman. Her affective organ is located outwardly relative to her cognitive organ. This is portrayed in the diagram below.

Anatomy of the Mind or Spiritual Body: Male and Female

 
 

AFFECTIVE ORGAN

 

COGNITIVE ORGAN

  MAN'S MIND OR SPIRIT

 
 

COGNITIVE ORGAN

 

AFFECTIVE ORGAN

WOMAN'S MIND OR SPIRIT

Quoting from the Writings Sacred Scripture:

CL 160. (4) A desire to unite her husband to her is constant and continual in a wife, but inconstant and intermittent in a husband. The reason is that love cannot help but love and unite itself in order to be loved in return, this being the very essence and life of love. And women are born forms of love, while men - with whom they unite themselves in order to be loved in return - are receivers. Moreover, love is continually operative. It is like heat, flames and fire, which die if they are prevented from operating. That is why a desire to unite her husband to her is constant and continual in a wife.


On the other hand, a husband does not have the same desire with respect to his wife, and that is because a man is not a form of love but only a form receptive of love. And a state of reception comes and goes, depending on other concerns which interrupt, depending on changing feelings of warmth or lack of warmth in the mind for various reasons, and depending on increases and decreases of the powers in the body. Because these things do not return in a constant fashion or at set times, it follows that a desire for this union is, in husbands, inconstant and intermittent. (CL 160)

This is the fundamental difference between men and women that accounts for why husbands need a Doctrine of the Wife for their regeneration process, and why wives do not need a like doctrine for themselves (see Section xx). By overcoming this difference through daily combat in temptations, the husband can learn to receive conjugial love from hi